Hot in Cleveland S06 Ep23 & Ep24 – Vegas Baby & I Hate Goodbyes

Season: 6
Episodes: 23 & 24
Title: Vegas Baby & I Hate Goodbyes
Original Air Date: June 3, 2015

Guest Stars:
Bob Newhart: Bob Sr.
Georgia Engel: Mamie
Huey Lewis: Johnny Revere
Thomas Gibson: Tom
Tyler Ritter: Bart
Darlene Hunt: Phyllis
Dave Foley: Bob
Amanda Booth: Nicole
Ed Ackerman: Lyle
Joanna Leeds: Chelsea
Steve Kehela: Elvis Impersonator

Synopsis: Melanie rushes onto the plane and drinks the champagne of the man she’ll be sitting next to. He doesn’t get upset though. He happily listens to Melanie tell the story. Back at the house They are having the bachelorette party for Joy. But no one is happy and everyone is crying. Bob is getting a tattoo of Joy on his chest. However, the tattoo artist messed up and tattooed Melanie’s face instead. As the crying party winds down Joy gets a call. There is a baby for her and Bob to adopt, but she’s in Las Vegas. While they prepare for Vegas Mamie Sue joins them. Bob Sr, appears at the door as well. He and Bob’s mom have divorced. He also joins them on the trip. In Vegas they get stuck on the plane. Joy and Bob freak out because they don’t want to lose their child. They pop open the emergency door and Melanie takes the hit. She is in jail. Victoria heads off to meet with a network exec. But she is disappointed that it will be a Mrs. Ladypants movie. However, Johnny is in the room next to her and they reconnect…by falling ten stories and landing in a fountain. Meanwhile, Joy and Bob are trying to get to the adoption agency but the cab is taking forever. They get into an accident. As Joy tries to rouse Bob she discovers the tattoo of Melanie on his chest and flips out. The cab driver runs when the cops show up and Bob pretends to be the driver. Elka and Bob Sr are at the casino. They both wind up getting arrested. At the jail, Melanie is working on her speech for Joy’s wedding and it’s going badly. Elka gets bailed out along with Bob but Mamie Sue and Melanie are still stuck. Bob and Joy are still in the cab trying to get to their baby when a pregnant woman in labor jumps in the car. Bob and Joy wind up delivering the baby. They finally make it to the agency but get informed that until they are married they are not getting the baby. They race off to a wedding chapel to find that everyone is already there as Elka and Bob Sr are getting married. It turns into a double wedding. Johnny asks Victoria to marry him and she accepts. What’s more Elka is now Joy’s mother-in-law. Elka tells Joy “you can call me Mom.” After the shock wears off and an awkward hug takes place Joy and Bob go and get their little girl. When the adoption lady calls them Mr. and Mrs. Moore Joy is thrilled to be Scroggs free. They get their baby. Back on the plan to Paris the girls all gather around Joy and the baby. Joy names her Elizabeth, “Betty” for short. Melanie gives a beautiful heart wrenching speech. She goes back to her seat to write it down. The plane shudders. Is it their last flight to Paris all over again? She tells Tom she is scared and he takes her hand.

Five years later…..Everyone is at the bar celebrating Betty’s 5th birthday. Joy and Bob are still happy. Elka and Bob Sr are still together. Victoria and Johnny are married. Melanie and Tom are now married as well. And they all lived happily ever after in Cleveland.

Favorite Quotes:

* Elka: Nope, nope. The best orgasm I ever had was when Joy said she was leaving.

* Joy: I’m not worried. Bob won’t do anything stupid.

* Joy: I can’t get married. I’m having a baby!

* Tom: Wait. She’s pregnant?
Melanie: You think the fetus texted her that it’s coming out the next day?
Tom: That would be the polite thing to do.

* Mamie Sue: It’s Vegas, isn’t it? I’m going too.
Elka: But Mamie Sue, you have a gambling problem.
Mamie Sue: It’s only a problem if you lose. I’ll see you at the airport.

* Elka: I’ll go with you. If people see you with a hot woman, they’ll think you’re rich.
Bob Sr: I-I am rich.
Elka: And now you’re handsome.

* Bob: I am a desperate, tattooed immigrant who just pissed off a woman. I think I can pass as a cabbie.

* Mamie Sure: Melanie, you’re making jail sad.

* Joy: Bob, we’ve got to go.
Elka: Yes, you do. Go pick up my granddaughter.
Joy: Granddaughter?
Melanie: Oh, my God! Elka’s your mother-in-law!
Elka: Call me Mom!

* Joy: Mrs. Moore. That’s me! I’m not Scroggs anymore. I’m Scroggs-free!

* Melanie: Do you have a name yet?
Joy: Yes. Elizabeth. But I think we’re gonna call her Betty. Never met a Betty I didn’t like.

Transcript:

(man) Please take your seats. We’ve closed the doors and begun preparations for our flight to Paris.
Melanie: Thank God. I made it. Ohh
Tom: Actually, that was mine. But you look like you needed it more than I did.
Melanie: I’m so, so sorry. I promise I won’t touch any of your cashews. Except this one, ’cause I haven’t eaten all day.
Tom: Help yourself. I’m Tom.
Melanie: Oh, Melanie. Boy, have I had a crazy day.
Tom: What happened?
Melanie: It’s a long story.
Tom: Well, it’s a long flight, nine hours. Not that you’d talk for that long.
Melanie: You don’t know me very well.
Tom: Go for it.
Melanie: Okay, well, first I have to set things up. Six years ago, my friends and I were on a plane just like this flying to Paris. But that plane crash-landed. Oh, but, you know, get that out of your mind. It would ruin the flight if the whole time you’re thinking, “What if this girl’s a jinx and this plane crashes?”
Tom: I wasn’t thinking that. Until now.
Melanie: Anyway, we landed safely in Cleveland, and then we ended up living there. And tomorrow, my dear, sweet friend Joy is gonna have her dream wedding in Paris. We knew everything was gonna change, so yesterday we decided to just put that out of our minds and just have the most fun bachelorette party.

[all sobbing]
Joy: No, no, no! The rule of the evening is no tears. Whenever we feel sad, let’s just remember my fabulous wedding in Paris that people are flying to from all over the world and Canada.
(all) To Paris!
Victoria: Ah I’m gonna pull another card from the bachelorette party question deck. Okay, everyone. “What was the best sex you ever had?”
Joy: It’s Bob. Honestly, he’s made me forget every other man I’ve ever slept with.
Elka: That must have emptied out the old brain pan.
Victoria: What about you, Elka? Sinatra, right?
Elka: Nope, nope. The best orgasm I ever had was when Joy said she was leaving.
Victoria: Melanie.
Melanie: I-I don’t wanna say.
Joy: Oh, come on, tell us.
Melanie: Honestly? Bob. I mean, I know we only slept together once, but he was amazing. I’m sorry.
Joy: Oh, no You don’t have to be. I know neither one of you has feelings for the other. Just like you know that if either one of you did, I would have to cripple you in some disfiguring way. Ah, this game is fun!
Victoria: For me, the best was the one who got away. Johnny Revere. You know, I read in the tabloids that he’s sleeping with a different 20-year-old groupie every night. I bet he is miserable.
Elka: Oh, I’ll take that bet.
Joy: Oh, I’m gonna miss this. Who can believe we moved here six years ago just because men in a bar thought we were hot?
Victoria: The whole city thought we were hot. And we had a lot more dates here than we would have had in L.A.
Melanie: Although they haven’t all been great. Remember Pooh Bear? He walked around in only a T-shirt and nothing else? Oh, and what about the guy with the foot fetish who made little outfits for my toes? Ugh
Joy: I’ve been with an 18-year-old, a man who dressed up like My Little Pony, and I almost married a homeless lunatic just to get a green card.
Victoria: Excuse me. Man boobs, webbed hands, human tail, forehead nose, conjoined twins I win.
Joy: All right, it’s time for me to pull out the name of the person who will give the toast at my wedding, the one who will say lovely, wonderful things about me on the happiest day of my life. Melanie! Yes, it’s Melanie!

Melanie: I mean, it was an honor, but public speaking oh, it makes me crazy nervous. The last time I did it, I got these sweat stains that went from my armpits all the way down to my waist. Oh, not to mention the under-boob sweat crescents? Why am I telling you this?
Tom: [laughs] Don’t worry about it. I’ll put it in the same place as your suggestion of dying in a hideous plane crash.
Melanie: Good, good. Anyway, so the night went on, and we played some more games and then Victoria..boy. She dropped a really big bombshell on us.

Melanie: All right, Victoria. Your turn. “What is one thing you’ve never told anyone?”
Victoria: Okay. I have a major announcement to make. Uh after Joy’s wedding, I’m moving back to L.A.
Joy: What do you mean, you’re moving?
Victoria: Well, my agent, my manager, my whole team all said that if I’m serious about reinvigorating my career, I need to be in L.A.
Melanie: But why?
Victoria: Well, think about it. If I’m in L. A. and a Scarlett Johansson or a Natalie Portman drop out of a project, then who do you think they’re gonna call?
Joy: You?
Victoria: Exactly.
Melanie: Wow. Our house really is splitting up.
Victoria: We’re not even gonna be in the same city.
Joy: This wonderful time of us living together is coming to an end.
Elka: [tearfully] Do you think Bob is having this much fun at his bachelor party?
Joy: He’s with a couple of friends. I’m not exactly sure what he’s doing.

Bob: [groaning] Arrr
Tattoo artist: Almost done. You doing okay?
Bob: Yeah. Although it might help if you told me again that I’m a brave little soldier.
Tattoo artist: You are a brave little soldier.
Bob: I like to think so.
Tattoo artist: So you’re getting married tomorrow.
Bob: Yeah, yeah, to the woman of my dreams. I’m a lucky man.
Tattoo artist: You are. She’s beautiful.
Bob: Oh, I know.
Tattoo artist: And, if you don’t mind me saying, pretty stacked.
Bob: Oh, I kn what? You’re giving me a tattoo of the woman on my right, right?
Tattoo artist: I thought you said the woman on my right.
Bob: Wait I need to see this tattoo right now. Aah!

Joy: I’m not worried. Bob won’t do anything stupid.
Melanie: You know, he really is an amazing man. You are very lucky, Joy.
Elka: Take a shower, Melanie.
Joy: Well, this has been fun, but we should really get some sleep. We’re leaving for Paris early tomorrow morning.
[phone chimes]
Joy: Oh, my God!
Victoria: What?
Joy: I can’t get married. I’m having a baby!

[upbeat music] Ba-ba, ba-ba Ba-ba, ba-ba – Hey!

Tom: Wait. She’s pregnant?
Melanie: You think the fetus texted her that it’s coming out the next day?
Tom: That would be the polite thing to do.
Melanie: [laughs] They wanted to adopt, and Joy found out there was a baby available in Las Vegas. So naturally, she was pretty frantic as we were getting ready to go to the airport.

Joy: Come on, everyone! Move, move, let’s go.
Victoria: Here. Just relax. It’s gonna be okay.
Joy: Seriously, Victoria? It’s 8:00 in the morning. We have to get to Las Vegas, pick up my baby, then turn around, fly to Paris for my wedding all in one day!
Victoria: What, are you saying you don’t want the drink?
Joy: I’m saying I need a bigger drink!
(Mamie Sue) What do you mean you’re not flying with me to Paris? Why not?
Elka: We have to go somewhere with Joy first.
Mamie Sue: Where are you going?
Elka: I’d rather not say.
Mamie Sue: It’s Vegas, isn’t it? I’m going too.
Elka: But Mamie Sue, you have a gambling problem.
Mamie Sue: It’s only a problem if you lose. I’ll see you at the airport.
Bob: Joy. [closes door] You ready to go get our baby?
Joy: Yes, I am!
Bob: Ah ha ha!
Joy: What’s the matter?
Bob: Uh nothing!
Joy: Did you do something last night you need to get off your chest?
Bob: Yes but now’s not the time. We need to leave.
Joy: You’re right. We can’t miss that plane. Let’s go, everyone!
Bob: Dad!
Bob Sr.: Bob Bob.
Bob: What are you doing here?
Bob Sr. Well, I thought you should know before you get married that, uh your mother and I have gotten divorced.
(Bob) Divorced? Why would you wait till now to tell me?
Bob Sr: Well, I was afraid that you’d lose your Canadian reserve and act like a wild animal. And I can see I was right.
Melanie: Wait a minute I thought Bob’s dad was deaf.
Joy: Oh, he and Bob’s mom had that implant surgery to restore their hearing.
Bob: Dad, why would you get divorced after 50 years together?
Bob Sr. Well, uh, once we could hear, your mother and I couldn’t stand the sound of each other’s voices. And now your mother says that, uh, that that I that I have a an an an annoying st-st uh, stammer. Can you believe that?
Bob: Well, it’s good to see you, Dad, but can we wrap this up? We’re in kind of a hurry.
Bob Sr: Well, I’m ready to start dating again, and I thought you could give me some tips.
Bob: Oh That’s actually quite flattering.
Bob Sr: Well, uh, you know, you’re kind of a a doughy man. And you have Joy who who is clearly out of your league.
Bob: Somewhat less flattering.
Bob Sr: What I’m looking for is loose women and and no consequences.
Joy: I’m sorry, Mr. Moore, but we have to leave right now for Las Vegas.
Bob Sr: That could work.

(man) Folks, we apologize for the long delay, but we’re still waiting for a gate to open up.
Joy: Our baby is out there, and we can’t get to her! I can’t take this anymore!
Bob: They have to give us a gate soon it’s so hot.
Joy: Why don’t you unbutton your shirt?
Bob: ‘Cause it’s bad luck for the bride to see the groom’s chest before the wedding.
Joy: What?
Bob: It’s a Canadian thing.
Mamie Sue: Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding!
Elka: What are you doing?
Mamie Sue: That’s the sound of a slot machine hitting it big. I’m visualizing winning. Ding, ding, ding–
Elka: Could you visualize quieter?
Mamie Sue: Nope. Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding.
Victoria: Ah, this is a disaster. My phone is out of juice and and now I have to resort to reading. Oh, my God! Look at this. Johnny Revere is doing a show of all his hits in Vegas.
Melanie: You gonna go try and see him?
Victoria: Oh, I can’t. Some big network executive’s in Vegas right now. My agent says I have to meet him. And plus, I’m doing my own thing and Johnny’s doing his.
Bob Sr: Uh Johnny’s your your boyfriend?
Victoria: No, no. The last time we saw each other, we decided it couldn’t be.
Bob Sr: Oh. So you’re you’re not you’re not seeing anybody?
Victoria: Are you coming on to me?
Bob Sr: Oh, no. [laughs] Should, uh, should should I?
Melanie: Hey, hey, hey, hey, where are you going?
Joy: To get our baby. We’re busting out of here. We’re popping the exit door.
Melanie: No, but that’s for emergencies only!
(Joy) What do you think this is?
[air whooshing] [loud beeping]
Melanie: I’m sorry about opening the door. It’s just, you know, I was feeling a little hot, so, uh no harm, right?

[cell door clangs shut]
Victoria: You are a brave and wonderful person for taking the rap for Joy. And I am 100% there for you. Well, gotta go.
Melanie: Wait wait! Why?
Victoria: Well, I have my meeting with the network guy.
Melanie: But you said you’d be there for me.
Victoria: No, exactly. I’ll be there for you. Just not here for you.
Melanie: You know what? You guys can go too. I’ll use this time to work on my toast for Joy. Because a lot of people have written great things in jail. Like Dr.
King. He wrote Letter from a Birmingham City Jail. And and oh! Martha Stewart! She wrote a recipe for zesty lemon bars!
Mamie Sue: Enough chitchat. I need to hit the slots.
Bob Sr: And I wanna hit the strip and, you know, meet some dolls. But, uh, first I wanna get in my, uh, party mode.
Elka: I’ll go with you. If people see you with a hot woman, they’ll think you’re rich.
Bob Sr: I-I am rich.
Elka: And now you’re handsome.
Melanie: Elka, you’ve been in jail before, Any advice?
Elka: Find the scariest bull bitch in the cell, and call her sweetheart.
Mamie Sue: Look at that! A Tony King slot 4,000. If you jimmy it like so and then give it a good whack [coins clattering] And that’s how you beat the house with nobody the wiser! There’s a guard behind me, isn’t there?
[cell door clangs shut]
Mamie Sue: Hi, sweetheart.

Bob: Ah, this traffic is terrible.
Joy: I know. But in a few hours, we’ll be on a plane to Paris with our sweet little baby girl. We’ll be singing her lullabies and cooing her softly to sleep. Learn to drive, ass[bleep]! We’re in a hurry! I’m so happy.

[jazzy big band music]
Elka: So how are you liking Vegas?
Bob Sr: Oh, it it’s wild. Up until today, I thought I thought Winnipeg was was Sin City.
Elka: Wild? The only place we’ve been is the wax museum.
Bob Sr: You know that statue of Don Rickles it it was almost lifelike.
Elka: That was Don Rickles.
Bob Sr: Oh.
Elka: If you’re here to pick up women, how come you’ve spent the whole day with me?
Bob Sr: So far I haven’t met any women who meet my standards.
Elka: You have standards?
Bob Sr: In the deaf community, I was known as a smooth-signing ladies’ man.
Elka: Then prove it. Pick somebody up.
Bob Sr: O-okay, who?
Elka: How about our dealer? She’s cute.
Bob Sr: H-hi. Could could I ask you something?

[cell door clangs shut]
Melanie: You got arrested for sexual harassment?
Bob Sr: Well, I-I was nervous speaking, so I-I asked her if she minded, you know, if I if I signed.
Elka: No. You said, “Do you mind if I let my fingers do the talking?”
Bob Sr: And she she did.
Mamie Sue: How come you’re here?
Elka: I was defending him. And words were exchanged.
Melanie: They can’t arrest you for that.
Elka: Let me finish. Words were exchanged for punches.
Bob Sr: That that bald lesbian at the craps table she she was really impressed.
Elka: That was also Don Rickles.

Exec: Victoria, the network is excited to be in business with you.
Victoria: Oh, I’m so glad. And my agent tells me you’re a big fan.
Exec: Huge fan. An Oscar, an Emmy. And I love that Lifetime Original Movie about the hairdresser turned preacher.
Victoria: Mm. Lather, Rinse, Repent. So what kind of project are we talking about?
Exec: It’s very exciting. We’re partnering with a Japanese company, Ozawa Industrial Brothers. They want you to star in a show featuring a product they make called Mrs. Ladypants.
Victoria: I’ve never heard of it.
Exec: It’s an adult diaper.
Victoria: It’s an absorbent pant.
[phone chimes]
Exec: Oh, excuse me. I have to get tickets for my mom to see Johnny Revere, whoever that is. I’ll be back in a few.
Blonde: Oh, Johnny. Babe, come out and see the fountain. Look, there’s dolphins in it. Amazing, right? I’m gonna go down and take a selfie!
Johnny: It’s a freakin’ fountain!
Victoria: Johnny?
Johnny: Victoria?

Bob: Wow! Look at that. Johnny Revere is playing in concert! You know, if we could go see that, that would make this day perfect. Not that going to pick up our baby and getting married isn’t perfect enough.
Joy: [groans] Ugh! This is taking too long. Here’s 50 bucks. There are no red lights.
[engine revs]
Bob: Except for that one!
[horns honk]
[screaming]
[crash]
Joy: Oh, my God. Bob? Are you okay? Ah Let me loosen your shirt and tie.
Bob: [groans] No.
Joy: You’re going to be okay. You’re going to be okay. You are not gonna be okay.

Tom: How upset was Joy? Was Bob okay? Did they get the baby? And what about Victoria and Johnny what about them? And how’d you and Elka and the others get out of jail?
Melanie: And I bet you’re worried about how my toast was coming along too, right?
Tom: So worried I didn’t want to bring it up.
Melanie: You’re sweet. Anyway, the good news is that, yes, Bob was okay.

Joy: What were you thinking? Melanie’s face is tattooed on your chest.
Bob: I told you it was a mistake. You know, we’re all entitled to a youthful indiscretion or two.
Joy: You only got it last night.
Bob: I was younger then!
Joy: So every time we make love, I’m gonna be looking at Melanie.
Bob: There are other positions, Joy. You know, in Canada, we have one called Reverse Lady Mountie. It involves–
Joy: There will be no positions till that thing’s gone.
Bob: Fine. I’ll get it lasered off.
Or I could add a couple of other dudes and pass it off as Three Dog Night.
Joy: How’s the car? Can we go?
Cab driver: [Irish accent] It’s just a little banged up. Looks like it’ll run fine.
[siren whoops]
Cab driver: Oh, crap!
Bob: Relax. Just tell him it’s a minor fender bender.
Cab driver: You don’t get it I’m undocumented. Good luck with the baby.
Joy: Damn it! We’re never gonna get there! No baby, no plane, no wedding. Everything’s going wrong, just like it always does when I’m about to be happy. Bob, where are you going?
Bob: Don’t worry, Joy. I’ll explain everything to the police.
Joy: You can’t drive. This isn’t your cab!
Bob: I am a desperate, tattooed immigrant who just pissed off a woman. I think I can pass as a cabbie.

Melanie: Hey, you know what? Since you guys are here, maybe you can give me some feedback on my wedding toast for Joy. You know, ’cause everyone tells me to write from the heart, so that’s what I did. “Joy, don’t leave me. “I know this might be the happiest day of your life, but it’s the saddest day of mine. But you obviously don’t care about that, or me, so let’s just raise a glass to Joy and Bob.”
Mamie Sure: Melanie, you’re making jail sad.
Melanie: Please, you have got to let me out so I can get on that plane and give this toast tomorrow at my friend’s wedding!
Guard: I think I’m doing her a favor.
Mamie Sue: I’m going crazy. Just behind these bars is a wonderful world of sin, and I can’t even get a glimpse of it.
Bob Sr: I feel the same way.
Mamie Sue: Are you a gambler too, Bob?
Bob Sr: Uh, no, no, uh ladies’ man.
Melanie: Why are you in the women’s jail?
Bob Sr: They said I wasn’t a threat.
Guard: Mayor Elka Ostrovsky, Bob Moore? You’re free to go. Casino dropped the charges against the two of you.
Melanie: Wait, wait, wait so they can just go? How did that happen?
Elka: I have no idea!
Guard: You agreed to testify against her.
Elka: Maybe that’s why.

Joy: Come on, Bob, drive faster!
Bob: You know, contrary to popular belief, going faster will not lower your fare.
Joy: You’ve got the meter running?
Bob: That’s what a real cabbie would do.
Joy: Go through that red light!
Bob: [sighs] Have you learned nothing, Joy?
(woman) I’m sorry. This is an emergency. Take me to the hospital. I’m in labor.
Joy: Oh, I’m sorry, we’d love to, but we can’t. We’re going to adopt a baby.
Woman: I’m going to have a baby. Uh-oh! I don’t think I’m gonna make it to the hospital!
Joy: You will.
Woman: I won’t!
Joy: You will!
Woman: I won’t!
Joy: You will!

Melanie: She didn’t. Bob delivered the baby in the cab.
Tom: So did Bob and Joy make it to the adoption agency?
Melanie: Slow down! I need to catch up on Victoria and Johnny.
Johnny: Wow! Victoria, you look amazing.
Victoria: Yeah, you too.
Johnny: So What are you doing here in Vegas?
Victoria: Oh, the usual career song and dance. I talked myself into being excited about it, but now I don’t know.
Johnny: Yeah. I know what you mean.
Victoria: Oh, please! Your life seems great. You got a Vegas show and that pretty young thing. I do hope she’s getting college credit for this relationship.
Johnny: Well, it’s, uh, not really a relationship. I mean, more like just marking time.
Victoria: Oh, but I bet she thinks it’s special. After all, I was that girl once. With you. I mean, that’s how we met, remember?
Johnny: Mm-hmm.
Victoria: It’s really funny, but when I see you, I feel like that same girl who climbed onto Johnny Revere’s balcony and spent the night with him.
Johnny: And when I look at you, I’m still the same guy that’s glad you did. What the hell are you doing?
Victoria: Climbing onto your balcony.
Johnny: Are you crazy? We’re ten floors up! There’s a connecting door.
Victoria: That’s for old people. Reach over and help me.
Johnny: Now what do we do?
Victoria: Oh, I can’t hang on! Aah!
Johnny: Whoa!

[distant splash]
Victoria: Those dolphins really scattered when we hit the water.
Johnny: At least we got through it without being recognized.
Lady: Mrs. Ladypants!
Victoria: Uh I’m the commercial spokesperson for a certain product in Japan.
Man: Happy Penis Pow Pow!
Johnny: So am I.

Bob Sr: I’m worried no woman will ever want me, you know, now that I’ve been in prison.
Elka: Oh, don’t worry! Women love bad boys.
Bob Sr: Look, Elka, I know you think of me as a suave, sophisticated chick magnet,
Elka: Sure.
Bob Sr: But it’s it’s a pose. I-I have no game.
Elka: I’ll bet you do. Give me your best line.
Bob Sr: Damn, girl if you were a vegetable, you’d be a legplant.

Bob: [panting] We made it! We’re here. We’re ready to adopt our baby.
Joy: Joy Scroggs and Bob Moore. We’re gonna be amazing parents.
Adoption woman: Are you okay?
Joy: Yeah, I’m sorry we’re late. We stopped to help a pregnant woman in labor. We delivered the baby and didn’t steal it like we wanted to. Can’t hurt to put that in our file extra credit.
Adoption lady: You know, actually, I did notice there is one document missing from your file. There’s no marriage certificate.
Bob: Oh, don’t worry about that. We’re getting married tomorrow.
Adoption lady: Oh. I do need to have that certificate before we can bring you your baby.
Joy: What kind of adoption agency demands a marriage certificate?
Adoption lady: A very old-fashioned Catholic one.
Joy: I can’t believe this! We had to break out of an airplane and steal a cab and deliver a baby, and now none of that even matters because we’re not married!
Bob: It’s fine. We’ll get married.
Joy: Oh, come on, Bob! Where are we gonna get married on a moment’s notice in Vegas? Oh, yeah!
Bob: We’ll be back.
Joy: Don’t give away our baby.

Victoria: Wow, this is nice.
Johnny: Mmm.
Victoria: You know, when I was a little girl, I used to stare up at the stars and dream.
Johnny: What’d you dream about?
Victoria: Being a famous actress and being happy. And I just keep thinking how am I ever gonna get the second one if I keep on chasing the first? [laughs] Even now, I’m trying to charm my way into a role on some show in L.A. It’s just always the same old, same old.
Johnny: It is, isn’t it? I mean, every night I go onstage with the same red blazer, the same Ray-Bans I’ve worn for 30 years. And the hotel wants three more years. Why are we still on this hamster wheel? What are we looking for?
Victoria: Maybe what we’re looking for is right in front of us. Do you remember when we almost ran away together, but we didn’t because we both decided to put our careers first?
Johnny: I think about it all the time.
Victoria: Well, I don’t want to make that mistake again. So how about we just get off that damn hamster wheel?
Johnny: And get onto each other?
Johnny: Oh, Johnny. You always did save your romantic lines for your songs.

Guard: Okay, girls, your pimp just posted bail. You’re free to leave.
Mamie Sue: Excuse me we are also ladies of the evening.
Guard: I don’t think so.
Melanie: You know what, Mamie Sue, it’s okay. This’ll just give me more time to work on my toast.
Guard: No, not the toast again. Get out, you two whores!

Victoria: Oh, I could lie here with you forever.
Johnny: Me too.
[phone chimes]
Victoria: But we can’t! We have to get to a wedding!

Mamie Sue: Okay, old friend, I believe we have some unfinished business.
[phone chimes]
Melanie: Not now, Mamie Sue! We have to get to a wedding!

Joy: We have to get married right away!
Elvis: Sounds like you two have a hunka hunka burnin’ love.
Joy: Oh, bloody hell.
Bob: Listen, Elvis, we need to get married so we can get a baby.
Elvis: Old-fashioned values. I like it. But we got a promise ring convention in town. [All Shook Up cadence] They’re in love[ahem] We’re all booked up.
Joy: I’m going in. Those two young virgins will have to wait!
Bob: Dad?
Joy: Elka? You’re getting married?
Elka: Well, there’s my something old.
Joy: I can’t believe you’re getting married.
Bob: Wow! Johnny Revere! Huge fan! You know, I lost my virginity to I Love Makin’ Love.
Johnny: That song came out ten years ago.
Bob: So good year for both of us.
Joy: Focus, Bob!
Bob: Yes.
Joy: How did this happen?

Bob Sr: Well, it’s quite a story. Um we were, um we we were at the at the baccarat table, at the the casino, you know, where where the theme is
Joy: Oh, someone’s got to speed this up!
Melanie: Elka volunteered to help him find the perfect woman.
Elka: Turns out it was me.
Bob Sr: Yeah, I realized what I was looking for was was right in front of me.
Victoria: Oh, we know the feeling.
Joy: Great. Everyone’s in love except for Melanie.
Melanie: Was that really necessary?
Joy: Look, we need to get married first, because we need a baby.
Bob Sr: And we need to get married fast because we’re in our 80s.
Melanie: 80s?
Elka: He doesn’t know.
Victoria: So who’s getting married first?
Mamie Sue: You could make it a double wedding. That’ll give us more time for gambling.
Joy: Okay, fine!
Mamie Sue: This is so exciting! I wonder what fake celebrity they’ll get to marry you.
Fake Johnny: Who here loves makin’ love?
Victoria: Oh! It’s you!
Fake Johnny: Which one of you is Bob Moore?
Bob Sr: I am.
Bob: I am.
Bob Sr: I-I’m Bob and he’s he’s Bob Bob.
Bob: You know, I don’t wanna be Bob Bob anymore. Sounds like somebody you can boss around.
Joy: Would you quit wasting time?
Bob: Yes, dear.
Johnny: Hey, why don’t you and I get married too?
Victoria: Oh! Oh, Johnny! Yes! But not now. We’re stars. I mean, we can’t have a wedding where the biggest celebrity guest is a 93-year-old mayor.
Bob Sr: 9 93?
Elka: Damn it, Victoria!

Fake Johnny: I now pronounce you man and wife and man and wife.
(all) Yay! [applauding] – Congratulations! – Congratulations! [overlapping comments]
Joy: Bob, we’ve got to go.
Elka: Yes, you do. Go pick up my granddaughter.
Joy: Granddaughter?
Melanie: Oh, my God! Elka’s your mother-in-law!
Elka: Call me Mom!

Joy: I can’t believe we’re married.
Bob: You can’t believe it? What about me? First time I saw you, I imagined this moment and I thought, “No way.” Now that it’s actually happening, you know what I’m thinking? “No way.”
Joy: Oh, Bob.
(woman) Mr. and Mrs. Moore?
Joy: Mrs. Moore. That’s me! I’m not Scroggs anymore. I’m Scroggs-free!
Adoption Lady: Would you like to meet your daughter?
Joy: Oh, God! Oh, God!
Bob: Oh, my gosh.
Adoption lady: Congratulations, you two.
Bob: Oh, thank you. Would you look at her? All the babies in the world, and we got the best one.
Joy: I think so too. Our little girl!
Bob: I know. [chuckles] I am gonna take care of you and love you and protect you forever.
Joy: And I’m gonna teach you to wait for the right man even if it takes a really long time.
Bob: Happy?
Joy: So happy. All the stupid mistakes I’ve made in my life, all the regrets I wouldn’t change any of them. ‘Cause they got me to this moment.
Bob: You’re right. Little things like getting a tattoo of another woman on your chest just seem so unimportant right now.
Joy: Nice try.
Bob: Well, maybe on our honeymoon I’ll get a tan and we can tell people it’s Bob Marley.
Joy: Oh, my God! Our honeymoon, Paris!
Bob: Ah!
Joy: We’ve got a plane to catch.

[baby cooing]
Melanie: Do you have a name yet?
Joy: Yes. Elizabeth. But I think we’re gonna call her Betty. Never met a Betty I didn’t like.
Elka: And they’re always so pretty.
Joy: Seems so unreal to me flying to Paris again with all of you. Only this time with a baby and a wonderful man. The last time we were on this plane, we were all so unhappy.
Victoria: Oh, we felt invisible and unwanted. We thought our best years were behind us.
Melanie: And then we crash-landed in Cleveland, of all places! And met Elka and had all kinds of adventures and romances and career changes and we became the people we are today. And now our lives are gonna change again. I just want you all to know that I have never learned more or laughed harder or had as much damn fun as I’ve had in the last six years! I mean, we doubled each other’s joys, and we halved each other’s sorrows. So, yeah, things are gonna change, but I know one thing that will never change. You’re my friends. You’re my family. You really are the loves of my life. [tearfully] I love you.
Joy: Oh, Melanie. To us.
(all) To us!
Melanie: Oh, and now I gotta get busy working on my stupid toast.
Elka: I think that was your stupid toast.
Melanie: You’re right, you’re right! Okay, just forget you ever heard it, ’cause I’m gonna go write it down.

[plane shuddering]
(captain) This is Captain Reid speaking. All passengers and flight attendants please take your seats and fasten your seatbelts.
Melanie: Hey, I think I got my toast.
Tom: I had no doubt. So how does your story end?
Melanie: Um I don’t know. I have a feeling something big is about to happen.
[shuddering]
[passengers exclaim]
Melanie: Okay, don’t worry. The plane’s not gonna crash. I mean, lightning does not strike twice.
[lightning rumbles]
[passengers exclaim]
Melanie: Oh! [laughs] I’m scared.
Tom: It’s gonna be okay. Take my hand.

Five Years Later…
(video montage, with no actual words…see synopsis)

[Queen’s You’re My Best Friend plays] Ooh, you make me live Whatever this world can give to me It’s you, you’re all I see Ooh, you make me live, now, honey Ooh, you make me live Oh, you’re the best friend That I ever had I’ve been with you such a long time You’re my sunshine And I want you to know That my feelings are true I really love you – Ooh – Oh You’re my best friend Ooh, you make me live Ooh, I’ve been wandering round But I still come back to you

Wendie: God, that was fun.
Valerie: It truly was.
Jane: I loved it.
Betty: Same time next week?
Jane: You bet.
Betty: Why not? Let’s do it.
Victoria: Wednesdays are our nights.
Valerie: Yeah. I like Wednesdays.

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Hot in Cleveland S06, Ep22 – Hot in Cleveland: Hot Damn!

Season: 6
Episode: 22
Title: Hot in Cleveland: Hot Damn!
Original Air Date: May 27, 2015


This is a clip show. Additionally, the wonderful actresses also reminisce about their favorite moments, episodes, guest stars and their characters. There are no guest stars, favorite quotes, or transcripts.


Click on either link to grab the sixth season of the show, it’s a great way to support the ladies and have some serious laughs.

Amazon Hot in Cleveland: Season 6 (digital episodes not dvd, yet)

iTunes Hot in Cleveland, Season 6 – Hot in Cleveland

Hot in Cleveland S06, Ep21 – Say Yes to the Mess

Season: 6
Episode: 21
Title: Say Yes to the Mess
Original Air Date: May 20, 2015


Guest Stars:
Stacy Keach: Alex Chase
Juliet Mills: Philipa
Dave Foley: Bob


Synopsis: Joy can’t stop talking about her upcoming wedding. Melanie and Victoria are upset because of how much they will miss her. Joy decides to get her sixth toe removed so her wedding photos will be perfect. Bob picks up Philipa at the airport and turns on the charm. Back at the house, while Philipa freshens up, Alex (Victoria’s dad) pops out of the kitchen. Apparently, he and Elka are having a torrid affair. However, Elka wants to end it. After her procedure Joy is resting in her room. Melanie and Victoria are trying to pretend that they aren’t upset. Meanwhile, Bob comes back with Philipa and she’s in a very good mood. Later that day Bob takes her to lunch. When she returns to the house she confides in Victoria that she has fallen in love with Bob. Victoria freaks. Joy is up and around and Philipa gives her compliments. Joy is thrilled and tells Bob to keep up the good work. Later at Joy’s dress fitting the three are finally no longer able to “tamp” down their feelings and they wind up crying and hugging. The moment doesn’t last though as Philipa texts Joy that she has some news for her. Victoria and Melanie inform her that her mother has fallen in love with bob. Joy is furious. When Philipa arrives at the bridal shop and sees Joy in her wedding dress she is flabbergasted. She doesn’t ruin the wedding at all. Bob shows up to try and stop Philipa. Once all is settled Bob peeks at the dress and everyone yells at him. The ladies all gather in Joy’s room later to evening to talk. They decide to leave her room just as it is so she can come back and visit as often as she likes.


Click on either link to grab the sixth season of the show, it’s a great way to support the ladies and have some serious laughs.

Amazon Hot in Cleveland: Season 6 (digital episodes not dvd, yet)

iTunes Hot in Cleveland, Season 6 – Hot in Cleveland


Favorite Quotes:

* Victoria: I’m gonna miss Joy’s stumpy little claw. It helped me lose weight for the Oscars. Oh, just thinking about it killed my appetite.

* Melanie: So you sent Bob to the airport to deal with her? (Philipa)
Joy: Well, it was either him or me, and I didn’t want to do it.

* Philipa: Oh, you. Well, Rejoyla, your future husband is not what I was expecting. He’s not drunk or in prison.

* Joy: Yes, but my mother’s never been easy.
Elka: So you must get it from your dad.

* Bob: I enjoy her. My Canadian politeness is the perfect foil for her British imperiousness.
Joy: We British aren’t imperious.
Bob: And I’m too Canadian to disagree.

* Philipa: I think I’m in love with Bob.

* Philipa: “Be extra nice to Joy.” It’s odd on the tongue. Yes, I do owe her that much.

* Victoria: I know. It’s like she cut off her sixth toe, and now she can’t stop walking away.
Melanie: Maybe that toe was where her heart was.

* Joy: Oh, it’s my mother. “On my way over. Have something awkward to discuss.” Oh, my God. That’s British for “I’m about to ruin your life.”

* Victoria: She’s in love with Bob.
Joy: I’ll kill the bitch.

* Joy: This room does have a lot of memories.
Elka: Especially that bed. That’s why I’m not sitting on it.


Transcript:

Joy: One month from today, I’m getting married in Paris.
Victoria: Why are you telling us things we already know?
Joy: Because I love saying it so much. And it distracts me from my little procedure today.
Melanie: Joy’s getting her sixth toe removed.
Joy: It’s not a toe. It’s a small nub of cartilage with a half-nail.
Victoria: I’m gonna miss Joy’s stumpy little claw. It helped me lose weight for the Oscars. Oh, just thinking about it killed my appetite.
Joy: Well, say good-bye. I need my feet to look perfect for my dress fitting this Friday. Now, hand me that nail polish. Just because it’s being chopped off doesn’t mean it can’t be pretty.
Melanie: Oh, I’m so happy for Joy and Bob. I just can’t stand the idea of her moving out.
Elka: It’s funny. I spent five years wishing Joy would be gone.
Melanie: And now you’re sad?
Elka: No, I’m just telling what I’ve been doing.
Victoria: Well, I’m sad she’s going. I am gonna miss her like crazy.
Melanie: Me too. This house is gonna seem so empty without her.
Victoria: I know.
Melanie: Victoria, we can’t do this. I mean, come on. I mean, when my daughter went off to college, I was so sad, I made everybody ten times more miserable. We have got to show Joy that we’re gonna be okay without her. Brave faces from everybody.
Victoria: Yeah, you’re right. We just need to tamp down our feelings, and it’ll be good for us too. No, I don’t like dwelling on sad things. That’s why I got divorced so many times.
Melanie: Hey, you. You ready to go to the doctor’s office?
Joy: No, I want to wait until my mother gets here. And fair warning; she’s gonna be even meaner than usual. Her boyfriend Daniel just broke up with her.
Melanie: So you sent Bob to the airport to deal with her?
Joy: Well, it was either him or me, and I didn’t want to do it.
Philip: Hello, everyone.
Joy: Hi, Mom.
Melanie: Hello.
Bob: Joy, I was telling Philipa I’m not just gaining a wife, but a beautiful mother-in-law as well.
Philipa: Oh, you. Well, Rejoyla, your future husband is not what I was expecting. He’s not drunk or in prison.
Bob: Philipa, why don’t I take your bags to your room so you can freshen up?
Philipa: Oh, what a gentleman. Oh, Joy doesn’t deserve you.
Melanie: Wouldn’t it have been easier for your mom to just join us in Paris for the wedding?
Joy: Yes, but my mother’s never been easy.
Elka: So you must get it from your dad.
Victoria: I am sorry, Joy. There is nothing worse than a parent showing up unannounced.
Alex: Hello, ladies.
Victoria: Daddy. What are you doing here?
Elka: Don’t you mean, who is he doing here?
Victoria: Wait wait a minute. You mean to say that you and Elka have been and you didn’t think to mention this?
Elka: We were doing some unmentionable things.
(Victoria) Oh, God.
Alex: I’ve also been seducing Elka with my culinary skills. Anyone else for Eggs a la Alex?
Victoria: No, thanks. Just the thought of you and Elka has replaced Joy’s extra toe as my appetite suppressant.
Alex: Then, my darling, we shall just feast alone. Mwah.
Elka: Oh, I can’t wait. I’ve gotta dump your dad.

[upbeat music] Ba-ba, ba-ba Ba-ba, ba-ba Hey!

Melanie: Doctor said she’d be up and on her feet by the end of the day.
Victoria: Oh, so she won’t need all these painkillers, right? I may need some to deal with my father. Has Elka gotten around to breaking up with him yet?
Melanie: Well, she was going to. But then she tasted his sweet-and-sour meatballs. Oh, can you believe our sweet little Joy is moving on?
Victoria: Oh, we have had some good times together. [sighs] It is gonna be so sad walking past this empty room.
Melanie: No, Victoria. We swore that we would tamp down our sadness for Joy’s sake.
Victoria: No, you’re right. We just have to act as if we’re happy that she’s leaving us.
Melanie: Oh, hey, you. Are you awake?
Joy: What are you talking about?
Melanie: Oh, nothing. We were just talking about how excited we are that you’re getting married.
Victoria: Yes, and how exciting it’s gonna be to have an extra room in the house.
Melanie: Good point, Victoria. Ooh! What shall we do with this room?
Victoria: Well, we have talked about starting an extra shoe room.
Melanie: That’s a great idea. Yes. See, Joy, great news for everybody.
Bob: Ah. There’s our little patient. So how are you feeling?
Joy: Good. Where have you two been?
Bob: I took your mom to the import store so she could buy you some Marmite.
Melanie: Marmite?
Philipa: It’s a healthful yeast by-product. Rejoyla loves it.
Joy: No, I don’t really like it.
Philipa: You don’t know what you like. Why are you still in bed?
Melanie: Well, the procedure was just a few hours ago. The doctor said she should rest.
Philipa: Oh, rubbish. When I got rid of my sixth toe, I simply wrapped a rubber band around it until it fell off like a lamb’s tail.
Victoria: I may never eat.
Melanie: Why don’t we give Joy and Bob a few minutes alone?
Joy: Thank you for taking care of my mother.
Bob: I enjoy her. My Canadian politeness is the perfect foil for her British imperiousness.
Joy: We British aren’t imperious.
Bob: And I’m too Canadian to disagree.
Joy: Well, my advice to you is to compliment her and feed her gin, and everything should go well. Oh, I’m so happy I have you to deal with her.
Bob: Well, then why do you look so sad?
Joy: Melanie and Victoria don’t seem too upset that I’m moving out. In fact, they seem excited to be taking over my room.
Bob: Well, that’s good, Joy. The last thing you want is for people to be sad.
Joy: I suppose you’re right. In fact, move in with me right now. Rip the Band-Aid off fast. You know, when I moved out of my parents’ place, I did it swiftly so there would be no hard feelings.
Joy: You were 34.
Bob: 33 1/2 don’t make me sound like a loser.

Elka: Alex, we need to talk.
Alex: One moment. I’m gonna check on my baby backs.
Elka: Are those hickory-smoked?
Alex: You know your ribs. Of course, it takes a great rack to know one. Now, what did you want to tell me?
Elka: Oh, it can wait.

Philipa: Is it such a burden for Joy to wear the Scroggs family veil? Yes, it smells of camphor and lacerates the skin. But marriage isn’t meant to smell nice or feel good.
Bob: Important words to hear on the verge of my wedding.
Philipa: Thank you. It’s so nice to feel appreciated. I think perhaps what I’m really upset about is that Joy hasn’t apologized to me yet.
Bob: For what?
Philipa: That she’s getting married in France.
Bob: And?
Philipa: She knows perfectly well that Daniel, my ex, broke up with me in a French restaurant.
Bob: Well, let me apologize for both of us and for Daniel.
Bob: I’m ashamed of my sex, knowing there’s a man out there who gave up such a gorgeous woman.
Philipa: Oh, Bob. Something so charming about a man apologizing.
Bob: They say when you’re with a woman, you should look at her mother if you want to know what lies ahead. And when I look at you, I see my future in your eyes. And I like what I see.
Philipa: You are a flatterer.
Bob: Oh, it’s not flattery if it’s true. Hey, why don’t I get us another round of these gin martinis? Oh, you’ve got an eyelash there. Let me get that.

Victoria: So, Daddy, about you and Elka.
Alex: Oh, she’s a real tomato. And speaking of tomatoes, I was thinking of preparing my special three-day chili for her.
Victoria: Three days? That’s sounds like a pretty big commitment. How long does a sandwich take?
Philipa: Victoria, I was hoping to speak with oh, hello.
Alex: Hello. Alex Chase: Victoria’s father, Elka’s lover.
Philipa: Philipa Scroggs, Joy’s mother and recipient of too much information.
Alex: Nothing sweeter than the musical lilt of an English accent. Would you like to join us for dinner? I’ve got some ribs warming in the oven.
Philipa: No, thank you. I prefer my meat the English way, with the color boiled out of it.
Alex: Ah. Ladies, excuse me.
Philipa: Oh, I feel terrible.
Victoria: Oh, don’t worry about Daddy. He takes everything as a compliment. It’s a Chase family trait.
Philipa: No, not him. There’s something weighing on my heart, and I need to tell someone.
Victoria: Oh, of course, Philipa. What is it?
Philipa: I think I’m in love with Bob.
Victoria: You’re in love with Bob, your daughter’s fiancé?
Philipa: Oh, it’s so wrong. I just can’t help myself.
Victoria: All right. I won’t tell anyone about this and neither should you. You just have to tamp down your feelings. And you can hide them by being extra nice to Joy.
Philipa: “Be extra nice to Joy.” It’s odd on the tongue. Yes, I do owe her that much. Oh, why is so hard to be a mother?
Victoria: I used to ask my children’s nannies the same thing.

Melanie: What’s this? What’s going on?
Joy: Bob packed up my stuff. I decided to move in with him early.
Victoria: What? I mean, that’s great news. We just thought that you weren’t gonna do that until after the wedding.
Joy: I wasn’t, but why drag it out, right? So I’ll leave, and you can get started on turning my room into your shoe room.
Melanie: That’s true. We can get started right away on the shoe room.
Victoria: Yes, let’s get started on the shoe room. And what a lovely shoe room this will be.
Melanie: She’s gone. You can stop saying “shoe room.” Although, congratulations to us. That was some pretty good tamping down of our feelings.
Victoria: Speaking of tamping down, I’m tamping down the urge to tell you something I promised I wouldn’t tell anyone.
Melanie: Victoria, we’ve been friends for over 30 years. We both know how this ends.
Victoria: All right, I’ll tell you. Philipa has fallen in love with Bob.
Melanie: What? Oh, my God. How long have you been tamping that down?
Victoria: 15 whole minutes. Look, now, she’s not gonna act on this. And the most important thing is that Joy never finds out. We have to make this the happiest time of her life.
Melanie: Even though she doesn’t seem to care about our feelings very much.
Victoria: I know. It’s like she cut off her sixth toe, and now she can’t stop walking away.
Melanie: Maybe that toe was where her heart was.

Philipa: Oh, Rejoyla, a day’s bed rest has done you the world of good. You look two to three years younger.
Joy: Thank you, Mother.
Philipa: Here, let me take that box for you, darling, put it in the car. You rest. Oh, and by the way, if you don’t want to wear the family veil, that’s quite all right.
Joy: Bob, you’re amazing.
bob: Well, I guess somebody heard I did eight push-ups at the gym today.
Joy: No. I’m talking about my mother. She’s never been so sweet. Whatever you’re doing, keep it up. In fact, double down and do more.
Bob: Don’t you worry, Joy. Tell your mother to tighten her suspenders. I’m about to charm her pants off.

[crickets chirping]
Elka: You complete me.
Ales: Really?
Elka: Sorry. I was talking to the ribs.
Alex: Fair enough.
Elka: Look, Alex, this isn’t gonna work.
Alex: I knew it. It was inevitable, I suppose. But it was a wild ride, you and me. Me hanging onto to bronc, waiting for that bell to ring. And my lasso, she could only keep you tied up so long. Elka? Elka?
Elka: Oh, sorry. Meat coma.
Alex: Well, an actor knows when it’s time to make a solitary exit. I’ll never find another woman like you, Elka.
Elka: That’s true.
Alex: On the other hand, what do you think of Philipa?

Joy: Oh, my God, Bob. I haven’t moved out my stuff, and they’ve already turned it into their shoe room. They’re not sad I’m leaving at all.
Bob: Maybe they’re just jealous that you’re marrying me.
Joy: [chuckling] Oh, Bob. That’s what I love about you. You always make me laugh.
Bob: Right.
Joy: So how’s it going with my mum?
Bob: She’s not here yet.
Joy: Well, find out how long she’s staying. If it’s gonna be more than a week, see if you can entice her into going to a hotel.
Bob: I’ll do my best. Oh, here she is. Wish me luck. Philipa, a vision as always.
Thank you for joining me for lunch.
Philipa: I won’t be staying long.
Bob: Well, then I will cherish the moments that we do have together. In fact, I was wondering, how much more time will we have you here in Cleveland?
Philipa: Till the wedding, of course.
Bob: No. Only four more brief weeks? Well, then I’m gonna suggest something old and unconventional. How would you feel about checking into a hotel?
Philipa: Really? A hotel?
Bob: I think it might make everything easier. What do you think?
Philipa: Are you saying what I think you’re saying?
Bob: I’m saying I want to see you in the best hotel room in town. Room service, champagne, whatever your heart desires.
Philipa: What about Joy?
Bob: Oh, she’ll be a little sad at first. But I’m sure she’ll come around to accepting it. More than anything, she wants you to be happy, as do I.
Philipa: Oh. This is all so overwhelming. I felt foolish having feelings for you.
Bob: Feelings?
Philipa: Now I know that you share those feelings, I’m over the moon.
Bob: But–
Philipa: It will be difficult dealing with Rejoyla. But let’s not worry about that now. Oh, Bob, you make me feel so alive. I’m going to pick up something disgraceful at Victoria’s Secret.

Melanie: Joy, do you need any help in there?
Joy: No, no. I can do it myself.
Victoria: By herself. Well, I guess she doesn’t need us at all anymore.
Melanie: No, no. Tamp, tamp. We can feel those feelings but we can’t say them.
(Joy) I’m ready.
Victoria: Aww.
Melanie: [gasps] Oh. Oh.
Victoria: You look beautiful.
Melanie: I hate you.
Joy: What?
Melanie: I couldn’t hold it in anymore.
Victoria: You didn’t hold it in at all! And I hate you too.
Joy: Why?
Melanie: Because you’re leaving us, and you don’t care.
Joy: I don’t care? You’re the ones who don’t care. You couldn’t wait for me to go to make more room for your shoes. I hate both of you.
Melanie: But we only acted like that because you were acting like you couldn’t care less.
Joy: I was tamping down my feelings for your sake.
Victoria: We were tamping down our feelings for your sake.
Melanie: We don’t hate you. We love you. And you look so beautiful in your dress.
Joy: I love you too.
[all crying]
[cell phone pings]
Victoria: Oh, there’s your phone.
Melanie: It’s your phone. Get it.
Joy: Oh, it’s my mother. “On my way over. Have something awkward to discuss.” Oh, my God. That’s British for “I’m about to ruin your life.” Wait, what if she’s sick? I can’t stand her, but I don’t want something bad to happen to her.
Victoria: She’s in love with Bob.
Joy: I’ll kill the bitch.
(Philipa) Rejoyla, prepare yourself. I’m going to make a scene. Oh, my goodness. Oh, you look stunning. You’re the most beautiful bride I’ve ever seen.
Joy: Thank you. That’s a very sweet thing to say. But I believe you came here to tell me something.
Philipa: Yes, I did. But looking at you now, I realize what I wanted to say is “I’m a silly old fool.”
Joy: What are you talking about?
Philipa: Oh, I’ve been in a bad place ever since Daniel broke up with me. I’ve been lonely and vulnerable, and it’s led me to some very peculiar behavior.
(Bob) Joy, are you in there?
Joy: Bob, you can’t come in here. You can’t see the dress.
(Bob) I’ll cover my eyes. Joy, I need to talk to you before your mother gets here.
Philipa: Hello, Bob.
Bob: Ah! Joy, what did she say to you?
Philipa: I didn’t say anything to her. But I want to say something to you, Bob. You shouldn’t love any woman but Joy. She’s strong and brave, and you’re lucky to marry her. And if you say or do anything to hurt her, I’ll rip off your head and spit down the hole.
Bob: I love Joy. I’ll never do anything to hurt her.
Philipa: See that you don’t. Good-bye, Bob.
Bob: So, Joy, how much do you know?
Joy: I know that my mother fell in love with you because I made you be extra nice to her. And nobody can resist your charms when you’re turning them on.
Bob: Well, that was easy. I didn’t think I’d get out of here without a bunch of yelling.
[all yelling at once]
Bob: Ah, there it is.

Melanie: I am so glad you decided not to move out until after the wedding.
Victoria: Me too. Now, we can do this the right way: in slow, painful stages.
[chuckles]
Melanie: Yeah, I’m really gonna miss coming in here and just sitting with you.
Joy: This room does have a lot of memories.
Elka: Especially that bed. That’s why I’m not sitting on it.
Melanie: And we have decided to keep your room just as it is. You can come back and visit anytime.
Philipa: Thank you for a lovely visit, Rejoyla. I’m returning to London now, but I shall see you in Paris on the big day.
Joy: You’re leaving so soon? Can I at least give you a lift to the airport?
Alex: She has one.
Victoria: Daddy, that is so sweet.
Alex: Philipa has promised to give me a culinary tour to Britain. That should only take an hour. That means there’s plenty of time for How should I put this? Sex.
Philipa: Let’s go before I change my mind. Bye, love.
Joy: Bye-bye.
Philipa: He’s boorish, and uncouth, and I just might do him on the plane.
Victoria: Well, I guess that worked out.
Joy: So my mum is gonna sleep with your dad.
Melanie: Well, come to think of it, he also slept with my mom.
Elka: And me.
Melanie: Yeah. And Joy and I both slept with Bob.
Victoria: And you and I both slept with Captain Lebeau from the ship.
Joy: And Melanie and I both slept with Kyle, the guy who left me at the altar.
Melanie: And we both slept with Mitch.
Elka: And we all slept with Sinatra. Oh, wait, it was just me.

Hot in Cleveland S06, Ep20 – All About Elka

Season: 6
Episode: 20
Title: All About Elka
Original Air Date: May 6, 2015


Guest Stars:
Carol Burnett: Penny
Todd Grinnell: Nicky
Chris Colfer: Tony Chase
Marco Antonio Martinez: Police Officer (as Marco Martinez)


Synopsis: Melanie and Joy have a handsy waiter at the bar. He keeps groping their butts. Meanwhile, Victoria has been name the director of a local theater. Tony is in town and just made a fortune on an app. Victoria gets him to invest in her play. But he has one condition, he wants to be in it. Victory and Tony are holding auditions for the grandmother role. Elka does a great audition and they are about to give it to her, however, Penny (Victoria’s Mom) shows up and steals the part. Elka becomes the understudy. Joy and Melanie are freaking out about their butts getting groped. They don’t like how they look on the security cameras and alter them to “improve” the image. The play has it’s first day of rehearsal and Tony’s acting skills are beyond dismal. Both Victoria and Penny are freaking out at the house trying to figure out what to do when they hear Tony singing beautifully. The play will now be a musical. As Penny, Tony and Victoria head to the play house for the final rehearsal Melanie gets a call. She freaks out, the bar has been robbed. Once they meet with the officer they are not any happier. Because they put vasoline on the lenses of the cameras the footage is useless. They take this time to fire Nicky. He feeds them a line of crap which they eat up and then tells him how sorry he is that they lost $7,000. After he leaves they realize he was the robber because they told no one how much was stolen. Later that night at the playhouse Elka is trying to knock Penny out of the show. Penny thwarts her attempts up until the end. She winds up on the roof. When Victoria can’t find her she has Elka step in. While the musical is in full swing Penny drops in from the roof. Now there are two singing grandma’s and Victoria and Tony are freaking out. They duo take over the play but wind up making up.


Click on either link to grab the sixth season of the show, it’s a great way to support the ladies and have some serious laughs.

Amazon Hot in Cleveland: Season 6 (digital episodes not dvd, yet)

iTunes Hot in Cleveland, Season 6 – Hot in Cleveland


Favorite Quotes:

* Joy: He’s groping us and making it look like an accident.
Elka: Well, Joy, he probably thought he was reaching for a mop.

* Elka: I can express how I feel about you with one finger.

* Joy: It’s all about that bass. Unlike my pancake ass. I’m all treble.

* Penny: Beat it, short stuff. Amateur hour is over.

* Victoria: Well, you never had a problem pointing out my faults when I was a kid.
Penny: That’s different. He’s likeable.

* Joy: Now they’re security cameras. Before, they were insecurity cameras.

* Penny: I am sleeping with the director.
Elka: What did you think “dating” meant? I was being classy.

* Victoria: Oh, it does, doesn’t it? You know, that’s like me and Susan Lucci.
Penny: That’s it. Susan Lucci. That’s your half-sister’s name.


Transcript:

Melanie: Hey, Nicky, can you get two coffees for table nine?
Nicky: Yeah, sure.
Melanie: Oh, my God. The new waiter just touched my butt.
Joy: Did he walk by and sort of causally brush it with his hand?
Melanie: Yeah!
Joy: He did that to me by the bar, twice. He’s groping us and making it look like an accident.
Elka: Well, Joy, he probably thought he was reaching for a mop.
Joy: Where’s Tony?
Victoria: Oh, my beautiful son is outside on a business call. Ladies, I have a major announcement to make. I have just been named artistic director of the Cleveland Studio Theater.
Melanie: Oh!
Joy: That’s fantastic.
Melanie: But you’ve never directed before.
Victoria: Oh, I know, but how hard can it be? Directing is just telling people what to do and sleeping with actors. The only downside is, I need investors for my first production. In the theater, we call them “angels.”
Elka: In real life, they call them “suckers.”
Tony: Ladies, I have a major announcement to make. The app that I developed just sold for millions.
Melanie: Oh, wow.
Victoria: Millions? Oh, my clever boy, my angel. My angel. Well, you’ll be looking for something to invest that money in.
Tony: Yeah, I was thinking maybe a charity.
Victoria: Charity? Well, you can’t make any money on that. Now, theater, that’s a sound investment. And as luck would have it, I am the new artistic director for the Cleveland Studio Theater.
Tony: Oh, I would love to invest.
Victoria: Oh, that’s fantastic.
Tony: I just have one tiny condition. I would like a part in the play.
Melanie: Oh, have you ever acted before?
Tony: No, but how hard can it be? Acting is just pretending to listen to your director and sleeping with the other actors, right?
Victoria: Well, our next play is Summer of the Locust based on a Willa Cather story about a young farm boy who is visited by the ghost of his grandmother.
Elka: Oh, there’s an old lady part?
Victoria: Yeah.
Elka: Did you hear that, Joy?
Melanie: Well, we should celebrate. Hey, Nicky, can you get us a bottle of champagne?
Nicky: Oh, yeah, of course. Coming right up.
Melanie: Thanks. He did it again. Okay, that’s it. He’s got to go.
Joy: Wait, you can’t just accuse someone of groping without proof. We need to go through the security cameras and see if we have footage of him doing it.
Elka: Just don’t look at last Tuesday night.
Melanie: But last Tuesday night you were here with a date. You said you’d lock up.
Joy: Wasn’t that the night we ran out of whipped cream?
Elka: And sprinkles.

[upbeat music] Ba-Ba, Ba-Ba Ba-Ba, Ba-Ba Hey!

Elka: And into this beautiful land I promise to return.
Tony: That was a great audition.
Victoria: Elka, you nailed it. I don’t think we need to look any further for the grandmother.
Penny: Oh, I think you do.
Tony: Grandma?
Victoria: Mom, what are you doing here?
Penny: Well, I heard about the open auditions, and I thought I should come down and try out because otherwise you might be stuck with some local nobody. Hello, Elka.
Elka: Hello, Penny.
Penny: Thank you so much for warming them up. Now it’s time for a professional actress.
Elka: You did a TV show with puppets.
Penny: I’ll have you know I can express more with one hand than most people can with their entire bodies.
Elka: I can express how I feel about you with one finger.
Tony: Elka was great. Maybe she could be Grandma’s understudy.
Elka: So if something terrible happened to Penny, I’d step in?
Penny: Back off, Blondie. I’ve never missed a performance.
Elka: I bet your audiences wished you had.

Joy: The security camera doesn’t lie. Nicky groped me by that table and you by the cash register.
Melanie: No, don’t zoom in. Don’t zoom in. I hate my butt. It’s everywhere. He couldn’t not grope it.
Joy: Oh, shut up. You have an amazing butt. It’s so in fashion right now. It’s all about that bass. Unlike my pancake ass. I’m all treble. Victoria, what do you think of our butts?
Victoria: Oh, I’m sorry. I have to get to rehearsal. I don’t have time to make up an honest answer.

Victoria: Where the hell is my mother? Elka, would you read in for her?
Elka: I’d be happy to. It’ll be nice to hear how it should be read.
Penny: Beat it, short stuff. Amateur hour is over. I’m terribly sorry I’m late, but the city is tearing up my street suddenly.
Elka: Oh, I’m the mayor. I’ll find out who ordered that.
Penny: I called. They said it was you.
Elka: Well, that saves us some time.
Victoria: Okay, everybody, we are going to start with the scene where Phillip, alone and desperate, sees a vision of his beloved grandmother who died five years earlier. Now, it’s a very pivotal and poignant moment in the play.
Penny: Phillip, my darling, darling Phillip.
Tony: Grandma, is that really you? I can’t believe it’s you. I’ve missed you so much.
Victoria: Oh, my God. He’s terrible.
Elka: He’s the worst actor in the Chase family. And that’s saying something.

Melanie: Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Stupid exercise. Everything hurts.
Joy: It makes me long for the days when women kept their rear ends tucked away. We should go back to hoop skirts. No one knew what the hell was going on under there.
Melanie: Sure, half of them died in childbirth, but at least they didn’t have to do squats. Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah.
Joy: You know, maybe we’re approaching this the wrong way. Maybe we need to think outside the butt. It’s not that our bottoms look bad; it’s the way the cameras make them look.
Melanie: You’re right. We just need to adjust the camera angles to make our butts look better.
Joy: Yes, and softer focus. A little Vaseline on the lens wouldn’t kill anyone. Hello, ladies.
Melanie: Hey, how’s Summer of the Locust going? How’s Tony?
Victoria: Well, um, he’s a-a little raw, a little green, a little untrained.
Penny: He stinks on ice.

Penny: Did you tell him?
Victoria: Oh, I couldn’t. He’d hate me. So I thought of a better plan. You do it.
Penny: I can’t do it. It would break his untalented little heart.
Victoria: Well, you never had a problem pointing out my faults when I was a kid.
Penny: That’s different. He’s likeable.
Victoria: What, and I’m not?
Penny: See? We agree.
Victoria: You know, parents are supposed to support and protect their children.
Penny: Victoria, I have protected you hundreds of times.
Victoria: Yeah. Name one.
Penny: All right. I never told you this, but your father got a woman pregnant, and you have a secret sister.
Victoria: What? W-who is she? What’s her name?
Penny: I don’t know. Susan someth Something Italian. I don’t know, but we’ll talk about that tomorrow. The important thing is, what are we gonna do about Tony? You know, maybe we could tell him he’s terrible by putting a message in a fortune cookie.
Victoria: You know, actually, that’s not a bad idea. You know, I got one once saying that dancing was not my forte.
Penny: Did you?
Victoria: That was you?
Penny: Well, it worked. [sighs] So what’s it gonna be?
Tony (singing): Oh, Danny boy The pipes, the pipes are calling
Victoria: Or we could turn this play into a musical.
Tony(singing): From glen to glen, and down the mountainside.
Victoria: Tony, I didn’t know you could sing.
Tony: Mom, I was in the glee club for six long years.
Penny: It makes perfect sense. All musical talent skips a generation.
Victoria: Hey, I got that fortune cookie too.
Penny: Sing with me.
(both Penny and Tony singing) The summer’s gone And all the roses falling
Victoria: Let me know when I can join in.
Penny: We will.
(both) It’s you, it’s you

Melanie: I am so glad we changed the cameras. Look how good we look.
Joy; The lighting, the softer angles, the Vaseline. Now they’re security cameras. Before, they were insecurity cameras.
Melanie: You know, someone once told me that red wine is good for sore muscles.
Joy: That was me.
Melanie: Is it true?
Joy: Does it matter?
Victoria: Well, we’re off.
Melanie: Oh, we can’t wait to see you guys in your new play tonight. “Summer of the Locust presented by Olay Regenerist Micro-Sculpting Cream”? Your play has a sponsor?
Tony: Yes, the cast has unusually good skin for poor farmers living in the dust bowl.
Joy: Break a leg.
Melanie: Have fun.
Victoria: See you tonight.
[phone ringing]
Melanie: Hello? What? Oh, my God. Y-yes, we’ll be there as soon as we can. Somebody robbed the bar.

Melanie: So there’s no way to identify the thief? I mean, we’re out thousands of dollars.
Officer: Sorry, ladies, the footage is useless. He put Vaseline on the lens to disguise his identity. Pretty clever.
Joy: We thought so. I mean, damn him!
Melanie: Thank you, Officer. What were we thinking? First rule of running a business: security cameras are for security, not for making your ass look great.
Joy: One day, science will invent a camera that does both. But for now, we should do what we should have done in the first place Fire Nicky.
Melanie: All right. Uh, Nicky? Can we talk to you, please?
Nicky: Hey, I’m so sorry about the robbery. Do you have any idea who did it?
Joy: No. But it’s not about that. We have to let you go because of all the inappropriate touching.
Nicky: I-I touched you?
Melanie: Oh, my God. Joy, he doesn’t even remember.
Joy: You touched our butts, and we have proof.
Nicky: Okay, I am so sorry, but I can explain. I didn’t know I was touching you. I was in a really bad car accident with my sister when I was a teenager. I severed all the nerves in my hand.
Joy: Really? So when you put your hand on me like this, you can’t feel anything at all?
Nicky: It’s the other hand.
Melanie: Oh, so you were just accidentally brushing us. Oh, my God, you have no idea what fools we’ve been.
Joy: We got so obsessed about the way our butts looked in the security footage that we adjusted the camera angles and put Vaseline on the lens.
Melanie: Which is why we can’t identify the thief who robbed us. We’re so stupid.
(Melanie spills coffee on Nicky’s left hand)
Nicky: Ah!
Melanie: Oh, I’m so sorry. I’m so Hey! Your hand’s not dead.
Joy: You liar. You can feel. You were groping us.
Nicky: Okay, I admit it. I’m sorry. I just couldn’t help myself. I mean, look at the two of you. You’re gorgeous. And from behind, irresistible.
Melanie: I wouldn’t say irresistible.
Joy: Not too flat?
Melanie: Or too not flat?
Nicky: Are you kidding me? They’re both perfect.
(both) Perfect.
Nicky: Anyway, now that it’s all out in the open, obviously, I can’t work here anymore. So
Joy: Well, I guess it’s for the best.
Melanie: Yeah, we wouldn’t want you to be tempted.
Nicky: Thank you for that. And I’m so sorry for the robbery. Ouch. $7,000?
Melanie: Yeah, thank you. Aw, poor guy. That must have been so rough on him, looking at us every day and wanting us so much.
Joy: And he felt really bad about us losing the $7,000.
Melanie: Wait a minute. We didn’t tell anybody that it was $7,000.
Joy: Oh, my God. He’s the thief.
Melanie: He’s the thief and the groper.
Joy: And we can’t prove it because we greased out the bloody cameras.
Melanie: [groans] Well, one good thing happened. He made us feel better about our butts.
Joy: That’s true. And you can’t put a price on that. Though it appears to be about $7,000.

Penny: Poor Elka. Ten minutes to show time, and I’m ready to shine.
Elka: Oh, ten minutes? Well, then you deserve a preshow chocolate.
Penny: [chuckles] Nice try, honey, but you forget, I know every acting sabotage trick in the book. Oh, look at these tiny, little pin holes. Oh, what’d you inject them with, sweetheart, some kind of sleeping drug?
Elka: Either you fall asleep or the audience does.
Penny: Face it, Elka, you’ve lost. I’m the star, and you’re just a poor, little understudy watching from the wings.
Elka: Ah, you win. I guess I’ll go to my dressing room and have a cocktail.
Penny: You have a dressing room?
Elka: With a full bar. Oh, that’s ridiculous. They wouldn’t give an understudy a better dressing room than I have.
Elka: Oh, then I must have imagined the hot tub.

Penny: I don’t believe this.
Elka: Go in and have a look for yourself.
Penny: Oh, I certainly will.
(Penny) Where’s the light? Where’s the This isn’t a dressing room! [banging] Elka, open the door! [banging]
Elka: Sorry, Penny. The show must go on.
[banging]

Victoria: Have you seen my mother? I can’t find her anywhere.
Elka: No. Oh, gosh, I hope she’s okay.
Victoria: Curtain is in five minutes. You’re gonna have to go on.
Elka: I suppose someone has to be the star.
[sighs] [chuckles]

[light piano melody]
Tony: A thousand stars will soon appear And yet, not one to guide me If only dear Grandma was here To calm the fear inside me
Elka: [off-key] I’m here, Phillip
Tony: I see you, Grandma
Penny: Hold it! [music stops] I’m here, Phillip.
Tony: I see two grandmas.
Penny: That’s right. Now, what’s ailing You-hoo-ooh-ooh-ooh Hoo-ooh-ooh, wha?
Elka: Oh, brother.
Tony: Two grandmas here before my eyes I don’t know what to say
Penny: I’m not going anywhere
Elka: And I am here to stay
Tony: So much advice to guide me now I’ve got a lot to mull I am such a lucky guy This is wonderful This is terrible. What do I do?
Victoria: Just keep singing and shut their windows.
Tony: I realize that ghosts aren’t real
Elka: Hey!
Tony: These visions now have flown
Penny: Hey!
Tony: Whatever troubles lie ahead
Elka: You will not face alone Hey!
Tony: I think I’m okay by myself
Penny: I’ll never leave you, dear
Tony: You’ll be with me inside my heart not talking in my ear
[door rumbling]
Tony: I’ve got a feeling things will get better Something good is coming for me Finally, this nightmare is over A life of my own and grandmother-free
Penny: I’m back!
Elka: I’m back.
Penny: He’ll never get rid of me
(both) I’m We’re Still Here
[upbeat piano flourish]

Victoria: Good news. We got a big offer.
Penny: Ooh, for the musical?
Victoria: Oh, God, no. For the building. The real estate developer wants to turn the theater into a PetSmart.
Elka: Oh, great. Pets do more for people than plays. Right, George Clooney?
Tony: Well, even though the play was a fiasco, I’ve decided to keep singing.
Victoria: Oh.
Tony: I’ve actually decided to audition for The Voice.
Joy: Oh, good for you.
Tony: Although, Mom, I’m gonna need a sympathetic backstory to win over the audience. So I was thinking of telling them that you kept me in a cage until I was three years old.
Victoria: I like it. Yeah. But make it ten and hunch a little. We never got you a bigger cage.
Melanie: What about you two? Are you gonna continue acting?
Penny: Oh, absolutely. In fact, the two of us are auditioning for a play at the community center.
Elka: [laughs] I’m trying out for the lead.
Penny: As am I. And I’ll probably get it because I’m dating the director.
Elka: I am also dating the director.
Penny: I am sleeping with the director.
Elka: What did you think “dating” meant? I was being classy.
Penny: Well, I don’t care. It’s good to have a rival. Keeps you on your toes.
Victoria: Oh, it does, doesn’t it? You know, that’s like me and Susan Lucci.
Penny: That’s it. Susan Lucci. That’s your half-sister’s name.
Victoria: Lucci?

Hot in Cleveland S06, Ep19 – Kitchen Nightmare

Season: 6
Episode: 19
Title: Kitchen Nightmare
Original Air Date: April 29, 2015


Guest Stars:
Jim O’Heir: Ross
Marla Sokoloff: Chloe
Tate Ellington: Kameron
Federico Dordei: Fabrice
John Kassir: The Pope
John Colella: Gil
Reamy Hall: Heidi


Click on either link to grab the sixth season of the show, it’s a great way to support the ladies and have some serious laughs.

Amazon Hot in Cleveland: Season 6 (digital episodes not dvd, yet)

iTunes Hot in Cleveland, Season 6 – Hot in Cleveland


Favorite Quotes:

* Elka: Remind me not to get crotchety like you when I get old.

* Joy: You knocked out our chef?

* Joy: Five-minute rule, right?
Victoria: I thought it was the five-second rule.
Joy: Not tonight.

* Pope: Are you breaking up with me?
Elka: I want to see other papal.


Transcript:

Elka: They canceled your show?
Melanie: Yes. The radio station wants a younger, hipper audience. All I keep hearing is younger younger younger. Youth was fine when I was young but enough is enough.
Elka: Remind me not to get crotchety like you when I get old.
Melanie: Well, obviously I’m just gonna have to reinvent myself, but I don’t want to rush it. I just need to take my time and do some real soul-searching.
Joy: The sign outside said this place is for sale.
Melanie: I’ll buy it.
Joy: What?
Melanie: I’ve always thought running a restaurant would be fun. It’ll be a new challenge for me.
Elka: I already gave you a new challenge. Where’s my date?
Melanie: Elka is upset that we’re not getting each other dates for our birthdays this year, because she’s found the perfect guy.
Elka: The Pope.
Joy: The Pope?
Elka: I’m adorable. He’s infallible. We could be a power couple.
Victoria: Look at this. No, don’t look at it. It’s Vanity Fair’s “Where are they now?” issue.
Melanie: Oh, that’s your favorite issue. That’s where you make fun of all the celebrities who are no longer relevant oh.
Victoria: Well, it is so unfair. You make a series of terrible career choices, and you go from Oscar winner to nobody just like that. Oh, I guess I’m just gonna have to think long and hard about how to reinvent myself.
Melanie: I’m reinventing myself by buying this restaurant.
Victoria: I’m in. All A-listers have restaurants, you know, and restaurants aren’t like acting. They’re stable and profitable.
Melanie: Well, great, we’re gonna be partners. How about you, Joy?
Joy: Oh, I can’t right now. My focus is on Bob and me adopting the perfect baby, and we think we’ve found one. [phone beeps] Oh, it’s from Chloe, the mother. She read my application and loved it. “Just one concern. Detective work is so dangerous.” “Not a problem. Just bought a restaurant.” I’m in too.
Melanie: Yay, we’re gonna own this restaurant together!
Victoria: Oh, let them say, “Where is Victoria Chase now?” Because the answer is, “She’s in her fabulous restaurant.” So how are we gonna make this place fabulous?
Elka: Two words: bacon bowls.
Melanie: What’s that?
Elka: Four words: bowls made of bacon.
Melanie: Yeah, no, I think we’re gonna aim a little higher than that. I’m gonna start looking for a hot new chef.
Victoria: Okay, and I know a fantastic sommelier back in L. A., and he adores me. Fabrice, it’s your favorite actress.
Fabrice: Victoria Chase? Is that really you?
Victoria: Oh, I was just telling everyone how much I adore you and miss you.
Fabrice: Oh, ma cherie, I totally miss you too.
Victoria: I’m opening a restaurant in Cleveland, and I can’t imagine doing it without you by my side.
Fabrice: What are you saying, Victoria?
Victoria: I’m saying I want you. I want you here. I want you now.
Fabrice: I will do it for you. She loves me.

Melanie: Oh, it’s so exciting!
Joy: I know. I invited Chloe, my baby mama. Turns out she’s a foodie, so it’s perfect.
Fabrice: Victoria, I’ve chosen this for the first course, an elegant Californian with great legs, just like you, cherie.
Fabrice: Oh vous. Oh, isn’t it great the way you can flirt with Frenchmen and it means absolutely nothing?
Fabrice: I’m going to marry that woman.
Melanie: Look at him. I still can’t believe I got Martha Stewart’s personal chef. Everything smells great, Kameron.
Kameron: Thank you.
Joy: Wow. So you cooked for all those big parties Martha threw.
Kameron: God, no. I only cooked for her.
Joy: But you’ve cooked in a restaurant before.
Kameron: Nope. This is pretty cool. I like this big fridge.
Joy: Melanie, you hired a chef who’s never cooked for more than one person?
Melanie: I don’t know; all I heard was “Martha Stewart,” and I thought, “It’s a good thing.”
Victoria: Well, thank God someone competent hired the wait staff. They’re all actors, and I didn’t think I could get them, with open auditions for Book of Mormon right around the corner.
Melanie: Wait! No! Wait!
Joy: Oh, no! We lost our wait staff.
Melanie: This is a disaster.
Kameron: Ladies, please, stop yelling. I can’t handle it when a middle-aged woman is yelling. That’s why Martha fired me.
both: She fired you?
Victoria: Middle-aged?
Kameron: Stop yelling. I can’t cook if you’re yelling.
Melanie: Kameron, Kameron, everything’s fine. We’re all calmed down. We don’t have any waiters.
Joy: And our chef is unstable.
Victoria: And we open in 15 minutes.
Melanie: It’ll be fine.
Victoria: It’ll be fine.
Joy: It’ll be fine.
Joy: Kameron, excuse us.
[all three go into the freezer and scream]

[all cheer] [applause]
Victoria: Not bad. We got everyone seated. Now all we have to do is serve the food. This just might work.
Melanie: Oh, God, Elka is here with the dog?
Joy: You handle that. My baby mama, Chloe, just walked in. Wish me luck.
Melanie: Elka, why did you bring George Clooney? It’s a health code violation.
Elka: I want to get him blessed by the Pope.
Melanie: I told you, the Pope is not coming.
Elka: Did you send that picture I gave you?
Melanie: Yes, and as a Catholic, I have to tell you that I was very uncomfortable sending that to the Vatican.
Elka: If you sent it, he’ll be here.
Pope: Hola, Elka.
Melanie: Holy fuugger.
Elka: Good evening, your holiness.
Pope: Please, call me Francis. Tonight I am just a man.
Elka: And I am just a woman. Beat it, Melanie.
Melanie: Oh, my God, the restaurant critic. Hide him! Hello. Hi, Ross Michaels.
Ross: Yes. Yes, yes, listen. I am so excited about your new restaurant, especially your chef, who is using some [talking inaudibly]
Melanie: Forgive me. I think I missed that last part.
Ross: Oh, I’m sorry, it’s just that when I heard that Victoria Chase was one of the owners, I thought, “Well, this is gonna be one of the biggest” [talking inaudibly]

Chloe: It’s so great that you’re opening a restaurant. I was thinking about being a chef myself when I was younger.
Joy: Well, it was time for a change. The detective business was so dangerous.
Chloe: I’m so relieved to hear you say that. It’s really important to me that the baby be raised in a safe environment.
Joy: No place safer than a restaurant.
Chloe: So will your fiancé be here soon?
Joy: Oh, unfortunately, no. He’s out of the country on business.
Chloe: Oh, he’s not coming? I’m sorry, Joy. I’m gonna need to meet him too. And full disclosure, there’s another couple interested in the baby, and I like them very much.
Joy: Wait, no! Brring! Oh, a text. Bob’s back in the country and in the kitchen. I’ll go get him. You’re gonna love him.

Joy: I need a fiancé.
Victoria: What?
Joy: Chloe is gonna leave unless I produce Bob.
Victoria: Got it. Uh, Fabrice, my love. Would you pretend to be Joy’s fiancé for the evening?
Fabrice: Would that make you love me even more?
Victoria: How could I love you even more?
Fabrice: Then I don’t have to do it?
Victoria: Yes, you have to do it.
Melanie: The restaurant critic is here.
Victoria: Oh, great, I’ll go out there and charm him so we get a good review.
Melanie: Okay, but just so you know, he’s a trailer-offer.
Victoria: A trailer-offer?
Melanie: Yeah, he starts strong, but his voice trails off, and then he peters out.
Victoria: So he’s a trailer-offer peter-outer. Got it.
Melanie: Kameron, where’s the kitchen staff?
Kameron: I fired them.
Melanie: What?
Kameron: They kept saying things like, “Where’s the food? People are hungry.” Is that what happens in a normal restaurant? ‘Cause it is really stressful.
Melanie: So you’re gonna do everything yourself?
Kameron: Yeah, it’ll just take a little longer. Taste.
Melanie: Oh, my God. That is the most amazing thing I’ve ever tasted.
Kameron: Nope. It’s over seasoned.
Melanie: Oh, no! That was the first course! Are you out of your mind?
Kameron: I’m sorry. Just stop yelling at me.
Melanie: Okay, okay, Kameron. Kameron, everything’s fine. Everything’s fine. You can do this, okay? I’m gonna be here with you every step of the way, so let’s just make something new, shall we? You just tell me what you need.
Kameron: Okay. Grab that frying pan for me down there.
Melanie: Okay, frying pan. Which pan? This one?

Pope: Oh, Elka, you’re such a charming woman, but you know this can never be.
Elka: Back in the day, Popes got married.
Pope: What you say makes a lot of sense. I don’t know if it’s the champagne or your smile talking.
Elka: Let’s get you more of both.
Victoria: Ross Michaels. I know I’m just one star, but I hope you’ll give me four.
Ross: Oh! Well, I have to tell you that my first impression of your restaurant is that it is a very nice environment, and I’m [talking inaudibly]
Victoria: Well, you don’t hear that every day.
Fabrice: What’s going on there? Why are they flirting?
Joy: Get your head in the game. We need to convince Chloe that we deserve that baby.
Fabrice: But I have no interest in children.
Joy: Well, then think of something you are interested in, and pretend you’re talking about that.
Fabrice: Oh. Ooh, got it.
Joy: Chloe, this is my fiancé, Bob. I was just telling Chloe how much you love children.
Fabrice: Yes, yes, yes. I’m particularly passionate about the babies currently being produced in the Napa Valley.
Chloe: That’s so specific.
Joy: Bob loves kids from all regions.
Fabrice: Yes, but they must have a good, strong nose, and of course you want them to breathe.
Chloe: Is that even a question?
Fabrice: And I know it’s not the popular thing to say, but I prefer the white ones.

Melanie: Kameron? Kameron, buddy, wake up. Maybe a little wine. Yeah, that’s better.

Joy: Don’t you have a call to make, darling? [phone beeps] Oh, would you excuse me? I’m needed in the kitchen.
Victoria: [phone beeps] Oh, excuse me. Hold that thought. Or just keep talking. I can’t tell the difference.
Joy: You knocked out our chef?
Victoria: What will we serve people?
Melanie: Well, most of the crab ended up in a big clump in the trash. Maybe we could still use it?
Joy: Five-minute rule, right?
Victoria: I thought it was the five-second rule.
Joy: Not tonight.
Victoria: Slap.
Melanie: Dump.
Joy: Squirt.
Victoria: Slap.
Melanie: Dump.
Joy: Squirt.
Melanie: Wait, wait, wait. Shouldn’t we be wearing gloves?
Joy: Really? Now, Melanie?
Victoria: Slap.
Melanie: Dump. Oh, shoot, I dropped the crab. George Clooney got it.
Joy: It’s okay. We’re done. Let’s go.

Melanie: Well, we did it. We served the appetizers.
Victoria: This just might work.
Melanie: Oh, poor George Clooney. Honey, what did you eat that made you so sick? Oh, no. The crab.
Victoria: All right, we’ve got to un-serve those appetizers.

Joy: Let me get this out of your way.
Victoria: Hope you enjoyed it.
Melanie: Oh, save room for your entree.
Victoria: Oh, look, it’s Gordon Ramsay.

Melanie: This is a nightmare.
Victoria: We need to turn this around fast. I’ve already gotten press for being a failure. I need this to be successful.
Melanie: Oh, Kameron’s coming to. I’ll help him with the entrees. You go back to be with Chloe, and you go back to charming that critic.
Joy: Good plan.
Victoria: This just might work.
Both: Stop saying that!
Joy: Fabrice, how could you leave Chloe alone?
Fabrice: She’s not alone.
Joy: What?
Fabrice: She’s with the other couple who wants the baby.
Joy: What? Let’s go, Bob.
Melanie: Hey, buddy, good nap?
Kameron: Why does my face hurt?
Melanie: I don’t know. I’m not a doctor. Come on, now. Let’s get started on those entrees. We got 30 customers waiting out there.
Kameron: 30? That’s a lot of people.
Melanie: Well, just think of it as cooking for one person 30 times.
Kameron: You know, I always intended to cook for more than one person. A long time ago, I cooked for two. There was this girl –
Melanie: A girl. I bet she was pretty and and tender, with an inch of fat like these pork chops.

Joy: So, Chloe, I didn’t realize you were expecting anyone else.
Chloe: Well, I wasn’t, but Gil and Heidi just happened to show up.
Gil: Well, the other day, Chloe mentioned that the older, unmarried woman who also wants the baby I guess that’s you owned a restaurant, so we just had to try it.
Joy: Oh, how nice. Although I can’t help noticing you already have a baby.
Heidi: Oh, no, this is my nephew.
Gil: He’s usually fussy, but Heidi’s a baby whisperer. She’s amazing with kids.
Joy: I am too. Right, Bob?
Fabrice: Yes, I am Bob.
Joy: In fact, just now I whispered a baby to sleep in the kitchen for our cook.
Gil: Really? I’d love to see that baby.
Chloe: Yeah, I would too.
Heidi: I think we all would.
Joy: And so you shall.

Joy: I need a baby.
Melanie: What do you mean, you need a baby?
Joy: I told Chloe I’m amazing with babies and that I had one in the kitchen. Oh, God, where am I gonna find something in here that looks like a baby? Oh, hello.
Victoria: Where the hell is the food?
Melanie: It’s coming. Just go flirt with the critic.
Victoria: You think I haven’t been doing that? I haven’t laughed so hard at things I don’t understand since my screen test with Jackie Chan.
Elka: Where’s the grub? My boyfriend’s hungry.
Melanie: The Pope is not your boyfriend.
Elka: He just tweeted he’s thinking about relaxing some rules. Hash-tag, blessed.
Melanie: Okay, the sooner you’re out of here, the sooner the food will come. Come on, everybody, out.
Joy: Here’s my baby. What do you think?
Melanie: The legs are hanging out. You’re gonna make a great mom.
Joy: I need a head.

Victoria: You are as delightful as you are handsome.
Ross: Oh, thank you, but if the food doesn’t come soon, I am sorry, but I might have to leave, and in my review, I am going to have to say that the service [talking inaudibly]
Victoria: Ross, if you could eat your own charm, you’d never go hungry.

Joy: She’s asleep now, but she wasn’t five minutes ago, right, Bob? Bob?
Fabrice: Why is she holding his hand? She’s driving me mad with jealousy.
Chloe: Do we know when the food’s coming? I’m starving.
Gil: You know, a woman that forgets to feed her customers might forget to feed a baby as well.
Joy: Don’t be ridiculous. It’s nearly here. Oh, here it is.
Melanie: We finally got one done. He is so slow.
Victoria: Okay, I need this for the critic.
Joy: No, I need that for my baby.
Pope: Please, God, a little food.
Elka: You’re good.
Fabrice: Now you’re giving him the lap dance? I thought you only loved me.
Victoria: What? Oh, Fabrice, look, I know that we flirted, but I’m not in love with you.
Fabrice: I left my job at the best restaurant in L. A. for you. Even worse, I pretend to be the fiancé of this desperate woman. I’ve had enough.
Joy: See you at home, Bob. Look, Chloe, I can explain.

Kameron: I forgot the garnish.
Chloe: Kameron.
Kameron: Chloe? Is that really you?
Joy: You two know each other?
Chloe: Yeah, we went to culinary school together in Paris, and we fell in love, but then we lost touch.
Melanie: Wait, she’s the girl?
Kameron: She is. But you’re married.
Chloe: No, no, I’m not, and I was gonna give this baby up for adoption.
Heidi: That’s right, to us.
Joy: No, to me. Look, that wasn’t my fiancé. I told one little lie.
Ross: [sniffs] Do I smell roast chicken?
Joy: Oh, my God, my baby’s on fire. Okay, two little lies.

Pope: Wow, what a night.
Elka: How about we go somewhere where it’s dark and quiet?
Pope: So I can hear your confession?
Elka: Sure. After we’ve done something worth confessing about. So I come to Rome. Tell me about our perfect date.
Pope: Well, we kick off the night with theology study, then, if you’re up for it, wash the feet of some lepers. How does that sound?
Elka: Oh, I just remembered I’ve got a thing.
Pope: Are you breaking up with me?
Elka: I want to see other papal.

Joy: I’m actually happy Chloe and Kameron got together and decided to keep the baby. And whatever baby Bob and I end up with will be the perfect one.
Melanie: It will.
Elka: Well, I dumped the Pope.
Melanie: What happened?
Elka: Oh, it would never have worked out. I’m a dog person. He’s a leper person.
Melanie: Well, some things just aren’t meant to be. I mean, I did to this restaurant what the radio station did to me: change something that was working. So let’s just keep it the way it was.
Victoria: Agreed. And why did I go so crazy about that Vanity Fair “Where is she now?” thing? I mean, I know where I am. I’m right here with my friends. Plus, I had two men fighting over me.
Elka: Was one of them the Pope?
Victoria: No.
Elka: I win.
[laughter]
All: Cheers. Cheers.

Hot in Cleveland S06, Ep18 – Cleveland Calendar Girls

Season: 6
Episode: 18
Title: Cleveland Calendar Girls
Original Air Date: April 22, 2015


Guest Stars:
Georgia Engel: Mamie
Yvette Nicole Brown: Lily
Jenny O’Hara: Helen
Marla Gibbs: Marcia
Dennis Haskins: Reverend Bower
Laurel Coppock: Emily
Dave Foley: Bob
Brian Jordan Alvarez: Ian
Blake Silver: Waiter


Synopsis: Melanie is getting her photo taken for her radio show. Elka and Mamie Sue announce they are doing a nude calendar to raise money for the Cleveland Animal Shelter. Victoria is upset because she thinks she looks like an old woman on her drivers license. At the photographers Joy and Bob are getting engagement photos taken but he keeps making comedy faces. He cries on her dress and when she comes back from removing the tears overhears him talking about having kids, but knowing that that ship has sailed. Joy is very upset she doesn’t want Bob not to have something he wants in life. Meanwhile, Victoria drags Melanie to the DMV to get her picture redone. She’s upset that they won’t let her use her own photo. She comes back the next day with a whole crew to make her photo fabulous, but Lily doesn’t take the shot until after and it’s not flattering. Joy and Bob are back at the photographers again. She brings up the subject. She doesn’t want to disappoint him because she’s not young enough to have kids. He brings up adopting. They’ll adopt a child together. And then they joyously cry over their soon to be child. Back at the house Elka comes in with the calendar. It’s a success. At Stormi’s Elka, Marcia, Helen and Mamie Sue are autographing calendars. Reverend Bower comes in and asks Mamie Sue out on a date. She’s thrilled.


Click on either link to grab the sixth season of the show, it’s a great way to support the ladies and have some serious laughs.

Amazon Hot in Cleveland: Season 6 (digital episodes not dvd, yet)

iTunes Hot in Cleveland, Season 6 – Hot in Cleveland


Favorite Quotes:

* Marcia: Ooh, Reverend Bower?
Elka: Somebody’s hot for preacher.

* Joy: [groans] Is this absolutely necessary?
Elka: My photo shoot’s tomorrow, and I need to practice being comfortable. Naked.
Joy: It’s disturbing.

* Elka: Mamie Sue thinks her body isn’t good enough to be in the calendar.
Victoria: Well, maybe she’s just shy, and maybe you should be shy too.
Elka: Hey, we’re not gonna look this hot forever.

* Elka: But why should we think we’re only beautiful up to a certain age?
Marcia: Girl, my varicose veins look like a fault map.
Helen: And my muffin tops have muffin tops.
Marcia: And my ass looks like a bag of socks.

* Bob: But what difference does age make? We can adopt.
Joy: But I thought you wanted your own child.
Bob: If we adopt a child, it will be my own– our own.
Joy: Oh, Bob. I would love to adopt a child with you.

* Melanie: Oh, honey, that’s a terrible picture.
Victoria: Yeah, I know, but look at the birth date.
Joy: 1980? So they made a mistake.
Victoria: Uh-uh, according to the great state of Ohio, I’m 35, and we’re all gonna go with that.

* Mamie: So apparently, men don’t seem to mind when you take your clothes off.
Elka: Who knew?


Transcript:

Melanie: Why am I getting my picture taken? Well, it seems I’ve become a bit of a local celebrity.
Joy: We’re getting an engagement portrait.
Victoria: My driver’s license expired.
Elka: I’m doing a nude calendar for charity.

Joy: What do you mean, you’re doing a nude calendar for charity?
Mamie First, we thought of a bake sale.
Joy: Good idea. Do that.
Mamie: And then, we started doing Jell-O shots.
Elka: When I saw the jiggle in my glass, I came up with the idea.
Joy: But can’t you just cancel? You’re the only ones who know about it.
Elka: Turn to page three.
Bob: The mayor has agreed to do a nude calendar to raise money for the Cleveland Animal Shelter.
Mamie: It’s in the papers? I drunk-dialed that in.
Melanie: Guess who just got asked for their celebrity photo, and it’s not Victoria.
Mamie: Is it you, Melanie?
Melanie: Yes! Because of my radio show, the dry cleaners asked for my photo.
Victoria: Ah, the first time the dry cleaner asks for your head shot. I remember it well. I was between David Hasselhoff and Henry Winkler, and ironically, a year later, I was between them again. Oh, my God.
Joy: What’s wrong?
Victoria: Oh, that stupid Ohio DMV! I went in to renew my license, and they sent it back to me with someone else’s picture. Look at that ugly, old woman.
Melanie: Victoria, honey, that’s you.
Victoria: (Breathlessly) What? I told them I required the celebrity Photoshop package, you know, like they have at the Beverly Hills DMV. When I gave that greeter outside $100, he said he’d take care of it.
Melanie: They don’t have a greeter at the DMV.
Victoria: That’s what the sign said on his shopping cart.
Joy: Bob and I found a fantastic photographer for our engagement photo. He could take your picture.
Victoria: Oh, that’d be great. Now, and then I could take my own professionally done head shot to the DMV.
Elka: And he could take shots for our thing.
Victoria: What thing?
Mamie: We’re posing nude for the animals.
Victoria: Well, as long as people don’t have to see it.

Joy: Stop making comedy faces. This is our engagement photo. Can’t you just smile and think about how happy you are?
Bob: I’m sorry, Joy. It’s just, when I think about how I really feel, you know about a guy like me getting to marry a girl like you, well, I just I can’t believe how how lucky I am. I need a minute.
Melanie: Aw, that’s so sweet.
Joy: It is. I know it’s surprising his sensitive side, seeing how tough and macho he is on the outside.
Melanie: We’re talking about Bob, right?
Joy: Of course. I’ll go check on him.
Photographer: While we’re waiting, do you want to start on yours, Melanie?
Melanie: Oh, yeah, sure. It’s a little chilly in here. I’m just gonna put this shawl around me while you set up.
Photographer: Okay.
Melanie: You know, it’s weird. I haven’t had a studio portrait taken without my husband or my kids. But I’m single now, and that’s okay. It just feels like there should be something here next to me. Well, hi, you. What a sweet little kitty you are. What is your name? Barney, well, that’s a handsome name for such a handsome fellow.
Bob: Oh, God, Joy, without you, that could be me sad, alone, talking to cats.
Melanie: I am not sad and alone.
Photographer: Can we get a smile, Melanie?
Melanie: No, I don’t think we can.

Elka: To Cleveland’s calendar girls.
Marcia: You know, I’m gonna pose with nothing but a python like Britney Spears.
Elka: All I need are a couple puppies to cover my puppies.
Helen: I’m gonna balance a champagne glass on my butt like Kim Kardashian. I tried it at home. There’s even room for the ice bucket.
Mamie: I’m thinking of posing behind clothes.
Helen: But then you won’t be naked.
Mamie: I guess I’m a little nervous about being in the buff. Pardon my language.
Elka: But you have a gorgeous body.
Mamie: How do you know? I’ve never even seen myself naked. I take out my contacts before I undress.
Elka: I saw you when you went through airport security. It was a nice outline.
Mamie: What if Reverend Bower sees it?
Marcia: Ooh, Reverend Bower?
Elka: Somebody’s hot for preacher.
Mamie: We’re just friends. I wouldn’t want him to think less of me by seeing more of me.
Helen: It’s gonna be fine. Have another beer.
Elka: What we need is to order some pizzas.
Marcia: Elka, we’ve got to watch our figures, honey. We’ve got a photo shoot coming.
Elka: Relax. I’ll just wear bigger puppies.

Victoria: You’re a good friend, volunteering to keep me company at the DMV.
Melanie: I didn’t volunteer. You said we were going for frozen yogurt.
Lily: Next. Oh, my goodness, Victoria Chase! I’m such a fan!
Victoria: Oh, thank you. You are not gonna believe this, but my nitwit assistant here lost my driver’s license.
Melanie: What?
Lily: Oh, no problem. We have your photo on file. It would be my honor to reissue one immediately.
Victoria: Yeah, I need to replace that photo with this one.
Lily: Oh, that’s a beautiful photo. So pretty.
Victoria: I know. So can you use it?
Lily: Sorry, no can do.
Victoria: Why not?
Lily: The best we can do is take your photo again, but we have to use our camera. It’s the law.
Victoria: Seriously? I have to have my photo taken with that piece of–
Melanie: Okay, I-I think what my boss is trying to say is that it would be difficult to take a nice photo of her with your equipment.
Lily: Mm-hmm, perhaps if you hadn’t lost her license, she wouldn’t be in this predicament.
Melanie: Okay.
Victoria: She’s my mother’s friend. I had to hire her.
Lily: I’m sorry, Miss Chase. I want to help you out, but it’s important that everyone look like themselves.
Victoria: This isn’t what I look like. This is what I look like.
Lily: I’m sorry, no can do.
Victoria: All right, I will be back.
Lily: Hey, do you think you could get Miss Chase to autograph this for me?
Melanie: I’m sorry, no can do.
Lily: It’s assistants like you that give stars like Victoria Chase a bad name.

Joy: Okay, no more crying.
Bob: Don’t worry. I’ve got this. Ah, my grandmother’s ring on my beautiful fiancée’s hand. [crying] Here I go again. Sorry.
Joy: Oh, what’s this on my dress?
Bob: Oh. Nose tears?
Joy: I’ve got to go clean this off. Pull yourself together.
Bob: Okay. Ahh. [exhales] I cannot wait to marry that woman.
Photographer: Yeah, I can see that. You two planning on having kids?
Bob: No, no. I mean, I’ve always dreamed of having kids of my own, but when you get married this late in life, it’s not really in the cards, though I’d never say anything to Joy about it. I wouldn’t want her to think she was disappointing me in any way.

Victoria: So Bob wants kids?
Joy: He says he wants his own kids.
Melanie: Have you discussed having children?
Joy: I didn’t think we had to discuss it. Now I’m worried I’m being unfair. Bob’s a man. He could still have kids with someone younger.
Elka: And less dried out.
Joy: [groans] Is this absolutely necessary?
Elka: My photo shoot’s tomorrow, and I need to practice being comfortable. Naked.
Joy: It’s disturbing.
Melanie: It is a little awkward.
Victoria: Not for me. Now, I’m an actress. I’ve been trained to convey that the human body is beautiful no matter what I’m actually feeling.
Melanie: So what are you gonna do?
Joy: The mature, responsible thing, pretend I never heard him.
Melanie: Having kids is a big issue. Ultimately, it’s what broke up me and Alec.
Joy: I know, and I don’t want to go back to being sad, single, and alone. No offense, Melanie.
Melanie: I may be single, but I’m not sad. It’s so easy for us to get dates, we’ve become reliant on guys for our happiness, which is why I am having a date with myself tomorrow night at that new restaurant I’ve been dying to try.
Victoria: And now I’m using my acting training to pretend that Melanie’s plan isn’t sad.
Elka: You know what is sad besides Melanie?
Melanie: I am not sad.
Elka: Mamie Sue thinks her body isn’t good enough to be in the calendar.
Victoria: Well, maybe she’s just shy, and maybe you should be shy too.
Elka: Hey, we’re not gonna look this hot forever.

Lily: Mm-hmm. Next. Oh, Victoria Chase, are you back to take your picture?
Victoria: Yes, I am, and I’m going to use your equipment as required by law.
Lily: Wonderful, just step over there. Okay, are you ready?
Victoria: Ready.
Lily: Oh, wow, that was amazing.
Victoria: So did you get the shot?
Lily: Oh, whoopsie.
Victoria: Whoopsie?
Lily: I got it. Next.

Helen: What kind of music should we listen to for the photo session?
Elka: Well, it’s hard to keep your clothes on when you’re listening to Sinatra. True story.
Mamie: I’m still feeling nervous about this.
Elka: Why? What’s the worst that can happen?
Reverend Bower: Well, hello, Mamie Sue, ladies.
Mamie: Hello, Reverend Bower. It might look like we were talking about something, but we weren’t.
Reverend Bower: Okay, I hope to see you in the front pew in church again this Sunday.
Mamie: Oh, you will. What’s your sermon going to be about?
Reverend Bower: Society’s declining values. Ladies, Mamie Sue.
Mamie: Good-bye. I hardly know these women.
Elka: She’s hot for preacher.
Mamie: You said that already.
Elka: I’m a nude model. I don’t have to be smart.
Mamie: Well, I’m not going to be a nude model.
Marcia: Because of Reverend Bower?
Mamie: It’s not just him. Who wants to see me like that anyway? Maybe 40 years ago.
Elka: But why should we think we’re only beautiful up to a certain age?
Marcia: Girl, my varicose veins look like a fault map.
Helen: And my muffin tops have muffin tops.
Marcia: And my ass looks like a bag of socks.
Elka: But are we gonna let all that get in the way of our getting naked in front of the world?
Marcia: Oh, hell, yeah.
Helen: I’m with them. I’m out too.
Elka: Oh, come on, girls, what can I do to change your mind?
Marcia: Turn the calendar back to 1965.

Melanie: Wow, these tables are so close. [laughs] But don’t worry. I won’t be eavesdropping. Why would I? I have a book. [laughs]
Waiter: Can I get you a drink, or should we wait for your date?
Melanie: Uh, yes, you can get me a glass of Merlot, and my date is already here.
Waiter: And what can I get for you?
Melanie: I know that there’s nobody sitting there. I’m not crazy. I am just a lady on a date with herself, celebrating being alone. Oh, God, is that cat hair? Okay, don’t look at me like that. I’m sure there are plenty of people that come here and dine by themselves.
Waiter: Not really. Uh, we were voted Cleveland’s most romantic restaurant.
Melanie: Oh, well, then it’s the perfect atmosphere for me to read my World War II love story. Just bring me the chateaubriand.
Waiter: It’s for two.
Melanie: We’ll see about that.
Woman: Oh, my God, Melanie Moretti from the radio show.
Melanie: Yes, yes, that’s me.
Woman: I saw your picture at the dry cleaner. Oh. I’m so sorry to bother you.
Melanie: No, no, no, it’s no bother at all. What would you like to talk about? Is there anything you’d like to talk about? Please sit down.
Woman: I just wanted to say thank you, because you said on your radio show, “Fear of being alone is no reason to stay in a bad relationship,” so I dumped my terrible boyfriend, and now I just go out by myself if I want to.
Melanie: And it’s fun, right?
Woman: So fun. I mean, the first time I did it, I was so self-conscious, I ate a whole bread basket.
Melanie: Oh, I just ordered 3 pounds of meat.
Woman: Oh. [laughs] Okay.
Melanie: But this is nice too.
Woman: Ah, so nice.
Melanie: Yeah.
Woman: Want to go someplace and pick up guys?
Melanie: Oh, God, yes.
Woman: Okay.

Bob: Joy, I was up all night practicing. How’s this?
Joy: Oh, Bob, that’s a beautiful smile. You look so handsome.
Bob: Thanks. I was looking in the mirror, thinking about what I love most about you, and I saw this smile, and I thought, “That looks good. That looks damn good.” You know, you’re a lucky woman, Joy.
Joy: I am.
Bob: Mmm.
Joy: Mmm. So what do you love most about me?
Bob: I love that we’re a team. We may disagree about the little things, but we agree on the big things, and that’s what matters most.
Joy: Yes, it’s important to agree on the big things and be open and honest with each other about the big things.
Photographer: All right, you two lovebirds, smile.
Joy: Bob, what if there were one big thing that, if revealed, could potentially destroy us? Would you still love me?
Bob: I guess, although I feel my smile starting to fade a little.
Joy: Oh, it’s nothing we should talk about now or ever, really.
Bob: Ah. How big, Joy? How big is the big thing?
Joy: It’s big.
Bob: Joy, I think I need to know what the big thing is.
Joy: All right. Wait. I heard you talking about how you’d always dreamed of having kids, and I felt terrible. You should be marrying someone you can have children with.
Bob: Joy, you’re the woman I want to marry. If you don’t want to have kids, that’s fine.
Joy: But I do. I would love to. I’m just too not young enough.
Bob: But what difference does age make? We can adopt.
Joy: But I thought you wanted your own child.
Bob: If we adopt a child, it will be my own– our own.
Joy: Oh, Bob. I would love to adopt a child with you.
Bob: And I with you.
Bob and Joy [both crying]
Photographer: Do you guys want to, like, reschedule or–
Joy: No, no, no, no, no, take the photo. I want to capture exactly how we’re feeling right now, in this moment.
[both crying]
Photographer: How’s this?
Joy: Same time tomorrow?

Photographer: Do you want me to turn up the heat?
Elka: No, keep it down for perkiness.
Photographer: So, uh, you’re the only model for this calendar?
Marcia: Nope, Miss December is in the house, child.
Elka: Marcia.
Marcia: I thought about what you said about women our age being invisible, and I don’t want to be invisible.
Helen: Neither do I. I got a full-body wax. I’m hairless from my eyebrows to my ankles.
Elka: Helen, what changed your mind?
Helen: Your inspiring words and two vodkas.
Elka: Poor Mamie Sue. She’ll never know how freeing this is.
Mamie: Yes, she will.
Elka: Mamie Sue!
Mamie: You were right, Elka. We ought to be doing this. A girl should feel she’s beautiful her whole life, not just the years she’s actually beautiful.
Elka: Get over here. Let’s make a calendar.
Mamie: I’m ready.
Bob: I forgot my wallet. But I don’t need it.

Melanie: [gasps] How’d it go at the adoption agency?
Joy: Looks good, but it’s gonna be a process.
Victoria: Oh, I’m all for you two adopting, and FYI, with your light skin, a darker baby would really pop. We should open some champagne.
Joy: To celebrate the baby?
Victoria: That and the blessed arrival of my new driver’s license. Take a look, ladies.
Melanie: Oh, honey, that’s a terrible picture.
Victoria: Yeah, I know, but look at the birth date.
Joy: 1980? So they made a mistake.
Victoria: Uh-uh, according to the great state of Ohio, I’m 35, and we’re all gonna go with that.
Elka: The calendars are out, girls.
Melanie: Oh, look at Miss September. She’s 98? Oh, and look at that cute, wrinkly Shar-Pei she’s holding in her lap.
Elka: She didn’t pose with a dog.

Mamie: Is this unbelievable or what?
Marcia: Well, this has been great for my marriage. My husband is looking at me differently. He’s looking at me.
Helen: I heard the senior center alone bought 50 copies. We’ve caused two heart attacks already!
Reverend Bower: Mamie Sue.
Mamie: Reverend Bower, I can’t believe you’re here.
Reverend Bower: I am so proud that you have taken what God gave you and put it toward a good cause.
Mamie: Really? Thank you.
Reverend Bower: And even though it’s April, my calendar still shows January.
Mamie: That’s my month.
Reverend Bower: You know, Mamie, there’s a raffle night coming up at the church–
Mamie: And you’d like me to pose nude for the poster? Sure!
Reverend Bower: Actually, I was just hoping you’d be my date.
Mamie: I would love that.
Reverend Bower: Wonderful.
Mamie: So apparently, men don’t seem to mind when you take your clothes off.
Elka: Who knew?

Hot in Cleveland S06, Ep17 – Duct Soup

Season: 6
Episode: 17
Title: Duct Soup
Original Air Date: April 15, 2015


Guest Stars:
George Takei: Reverend Matsuda
Craig Ferguson: Simon
Michael McMillian: Owen
Kurt Fuller: Gerald
Kelen Coleman: Andie
Dave Foley: Bob
Rebecca Klingler: Maureen
Giovanni Bejarano: Cop


Synopsis: Owen is in the kitchen with Elka. He’s marrying Andi but is afraid this his mother and her friends will cause a scene. Joy and Bob walk in odd attire, they are doing a sting at a sex club. Owen tells Joy he’s getting married, she’s thrilled. Victoria enters with Barry. She bird sitting while Clark is out of the country. Melanie comes running into the kitchen wearing a garbage bag requesting $20 bucks for the cab. She comes back and explains that she met a cute guy and stayed over, but got locked out when she went out to get the paper, so she made a dress out of a garbage bag. Owen makes one request about the rehearsal dinner: no scenes. At the hotel Victoria is supposed to get the ring. But Barry eats it. Victoria gets an identical substitute from a pawn shop. There is one difference. The inscription reads “united in Satan.” Melanie is in charge of the cake. Andi wants as fairy tale cake. However, the turrets on the cake look more like penises than turrets. Owen, Andi and her parents arrive. The cake is hidden and Victoria hides too. Andi’s mom is wearing real fur and Elka is furious. Later that night Elka tries to wreck the fur but wrecks the wedding dress instead. Joy freaks out when Melanie tells her and tries to fix it. Meanwhile, Simon has come back to town for the wedding. He surprises Joy by being in her bed. She freaks out. Bob walks in and he gets upset and gets in bed with them. It’s at this moment that Owen walks in with the Reverend. It gets smoothed over. Later that day Simon walks in again and Joy gets mad. Bob tricks Simon into going into the closet and locks him in. At the dinner, everything goes sideways. As Bob is giving the toast Andi calls off the wedding. She says that Elka, Melanie and Victoria convinced her it was a bad idea. Plus since her dad is having an affair with Victoria it doesn’t seem right. Victoria and Gerald aren’t having an affair, they went to high school together and she didn’t want her real age to be known. Simon who is missing is now talking to them through the ventilation system, still trying to get Joy back. But she ends that by saying she wants to marry Bob. He proposes, she accepts, but he doesn’t have a ring. However, Barry coughs up the real ring and so he gives her the substitute ring. Andi decides the wedding is back on.


Click on either link to grab the sixth season of the show, it’s a great way to support the ladies and have some serious laughs.

Amazon Hot in Cleveland: Season 6 (digital episodes not dvd, yet)

iTunes Hot in Cleveland, Season 6 – Hot in Cleveland


Favorite Quotes:

* Victoria: He repeats everything he hears.
Barry: Joy’s too old for leather shorts.

* Elka: I was excited to see the cake, but it looks like the cake is excited to see me.

* Joy: Stop it right now! I can only handle one of you at a time.

* Joy: “United in Satan.” Victoria!
Victoria: Oh, I thought it said Santa.

* Victoria: Andi, I know a little about pre-wedding nerves. I’ve been married six times. Seven, if you count my marriage to your future mother-in-law.
Andi: You were married to Joy?
Victoria: Never consummated.

* Gerald: But your friends must know your true age.
Victoria: They know a true age, not the true age.

* Bob: Well, seems the bride’s real ring has been released. So I can give you this one. Joy, will you marry me?
Joy: Oh, Bob, yes.

* Elka: I’ve got plenty of room here.
Simon: Elka What are you implying?
Elka: I think I’m being rather clear.
Simon: What the hell. Let’s give ’em something to talk about.


Transcript:

Elka: Owen, calm down.
Owen: I’m just a little tense because I’ve got something big to tell my mom. I’m getting married.
Elka: Congratulations! Who’s the lucky guy?
Owen: Guy? Elka, I’m not gay.
Elka: Huh.
Owen: I have a son with a woman.
Elka: Whatever.
Owen: The thing is, you know how my mom and her friends do crazy stuff? I just want to make sure they don’t embarrass me at the wedding.
Joy: Hi, Owen. Bob and I are going undercover at a swingers’ sex club.
Bob: Yeah, today we’re not Mom and Bob. We’re Julie and Stash.
Joy: Owen, are you okay? Is something wrong?
Owen: I got engaged to Andrea.
Joy: That’s fantastic!
Owen: Ow!
Joy: What can I do to help? Name it; It’s done.
Owen: Well, Andi’s parents are a little conservative, so could you and your friends not make a scene at the wedding?
Joy: Okay, got it, no scenes.
[Bird squawks]
Victoria: Oh, hi, Owen. This is Barry. My ex-husband, Clark, is on expedition in Africa, so I have custody of our parrot for a while.
Joy Victoria, wonderful news. Owen’s getting married.
Victoria: Oh, congratulations.
Barry: Oh, congratulations.
Victoria: He repeats everything he hears.
Barry: Joy’s too old for leather shorts.
Melanie: Oh, good, somebody lend me I’ll explain in a minute. Thanks.
[Knock at door]
Officer: I have a summons for Elka Ostrovsky. You were seen speeding down Euclid Avenue shooting paintballs at women in fur coats.
Elka: That was not me.
Officer: We have your driver, Mamie Sue Johnson’s signed confession.
Elka: My wheel man squealed.
Melanie: Okay, so I meet this great guy last night, and I stay at his place. And then he has to leave early, so I go outside to get the newspaper, and then the door locks behind me. Lucky me, it’s trash day, so I just made a dress out of this trash bag. But don’t look in the back; There’s a weird hole.
Barry: Weird hole?
Bob: Well, Owen, I see now why you might be a little worried that Joy and her friends will embarrass you at the wedding.
Melanie: Wedding? You’re getting married? Oh, yay! Yay, oh.
Joy: Is your father coming?
Owen: Uh, no, I tried to reach him, but he’s embedded in Afghanistan. Bob, I was wondering if you wanted to give the toast at the rehearsal dinner.
Bob: Give the toast? [Tearfully] Well, I’d love to. Oh, no. I’m ruining my sex makeup.

Joy: Won’t this be a beautiful rehearsal dinner? Victoria’s picking up the ring. Melanie’s getting the cake. Bob’s flight arrives in a few hours. Everything is perfect.
Melanie: I got the cake.
Joy: Ooh, how did it turn out?
Melanie: You know how Owen’s fiancée wanted a fairy tale-themed cake with a castle and turrets? I’m sure it’s fine. I’m probably seeing something that’s not even there.
Joy: Oh, my God.
Elka: I was excited to see the cake, but it looks like the cake is excited to see me.
Victoria: Hello, everyone. Oh, wow.
Barry: Hung like a horse.
Victoria: Barry! Okay, fine. Last night, I watched a movie called Hung Like a Horse. I thought it was gonna be a Western, but it turned out to be porn.
Melanie: How long did you watch it before you figured it out?
Victoria: Two hours.
Owen: Mom, are you in there?
Joy: Oh, my God, Owen’s here. Hide the cake.
Owen: What’s wrong with the cake? Holy crap! Cover that thing up. Andi and her parents are right behind me.
Victoria: Uh-oh.
Joy: Hello. You must be Andi. I’m Joy.
Andi: Oh! Great to meet you, Joy. Oh, your hands are so soft. What’s your secret?
Joy: Vaseline intensive care. Yours are so soft too. What’s your secret?
Andi: I’m 28?
Owen: Mom, these are Andi’s parents, Gerald and Maureen.
Gerald: It’s a pleasure.
Joy: Nice to meet you.
Maureen: Nice to meet you.
Owen: And these are my mom’s friends. There’s Melanie and Elka.
Elka: Excuse me. Is that real fur?
Maureen: Of course. I’d never wear faux. So tacky, right?
Elka: Super tacky.
Gerald: See you tonight at the big party.
Joy: Tonight at the big party.
Elka: Did you see that fur coat? Why didn’t I bring my paintball gun?
Joy: Victoria? Why did you dive under the table?
Victoria: I don’t remember. No reason.
Melanie: Okay, we have a bigger problem. I was on the elevator with Andi a little while ago. I didn’t know it was her, and I overheard her telling her mom that she’s got cold feet. What if she’s calling off the wedding? What are we gonna do?
Joy: Absolutely nothing, that’s what. Plenty of brides get cold feet. It’s perfectly normal. We are not going to get involved and risk embarrassing Owen.
Elka: Agreed. Do you know where the nearest paint store is?

Maureen: So, honey, you still want to go shoe shopping before the ceremony?
Andi: No, I’ll wear the sandals. They go with my dress, and I’m not really worried about having cold feet anymore.

Joy: Sweetheart, your flight got in early.
Simon: [Upbeat] Mm-hmm.
Joy: How about I come join you?
Simon: [Suggestively] Mm-hmm. [Chuckles]
Joy: Simon!
Simon: Hello, Joy.
Joy: What are you doing here?
Simon: Our son’s getting married.
Joy: But you’re supposed to be in Afghanistan.
Simon: I know. I thought about the whole surprising-you-in-bed thing on the flight over, and it worked. You seem surprised.
Joy: No, Simon. I’m with someone else now.
Simon: It’s Mitch, isn’t it, that handsome devil?
Joy: No, it’s not Mitch. It’s Bob.
Simon: [Laughs] Seriously?
Joy: I’m in love with Bob, and he’s more man than you’ll ever be.
Simon: You sure?
Bob: Joy, surprise. I brought fudge from the airport.
Joy: It’s not what it looks like.
Simon: Bob, it’s exactly what it looks like.
Bob: Simon, I don’t know what you’re thinking, but Joy is my woman now, and if anyone’s gonna be in bed with her, it’s gonna be me. Now, I suggest you leave.
Simon: I’m not going anywhere.
Bob: Oh, yes, you are.
Simon: Oh, no, I’m not.
Bob: Yes, you are.
Joy: Stop it right now! I can only handle one of you at a time.
Owen: Mom?
Joy: Owen. Look, your dad’s here. And Bob.
Owen: I can see that. I just came by to introduce you to Reverend Matsuta, who will be officiating our wedding.
Reverend: Oh, my.

Joy: So typical of Simon to appear without any warning.
Victoria: Well, the good news is, Simon showing up makes anything else that might go wrong seem so small.
Joy: Why do you say that?
Victoria: Okay, you know my job was to pick up the wedding ring, and, well, you know how parrots are attracted to shiny things?
Joy: Barry ate the ring? We’re never gonna get it back.
Victoria: Oh, don’t worry. Found the exact same ring, same size at a pawn shop downtown. Andi will never know. Look, there’s even a nice inscription.
Joy: “United in Satan.” Victoria!
Victoria: Oh, I thought it said Santa. Melanie, Elka, guess what. Simon’s back.
Melanie: Really? Well, that makes whatever else could go wrong now seem so small.
Joy: Why does everybody keep saying that? Melanie, what did you do?
Melanie: I didn’t do anything. Elka, on the other hand, snuck into Andi’s mom’s closet to ruin her fur coat with spray paint. But because it was so dark in there, she accidentally spray-painted the only other white thing in the closet.
Joy: “Murder”? Oh, my God.
Gerald: Excuse me. Ladies, have any of you seen Andi? My wife says she’s a bundle of nerves. Is that my daughter’s wedding dress? Can I take a little peek?
Joy: What? No, no, this is a wedding dress, but it’s actually my dress for the wedding.
Gerald: You’re wearing a wedding dress to the wedding?
Joy: Now that I hear it, it’s a terrible idea. I’ll wear something else. Disaster averted. Thank you. Victoria, why do you keep hiding every time you see Andi’s father?
Victoria: Hiding? I’m not hiding. Women went under the table all the time in Hung Like a Horse, and no one said anything. Whatever head game you’re playing, stop it now. Elka, keep your fur politics to yourself. And, Melanie, fix the cake. I’ll take this to the hotel cleaners and see if they can repair it.
Melanie: Oh, poor Joy. I wish there was something we could do to make up for our mistakes.
Barry: Cold feet, cold feet.
Melanie: Barry’s right! Andi’s cold feet. Her dad even said that she’s got the jitters. She’s definitely thinking of calling off this wedding. We could really help Joy by talking to Andi and calming her down and easing her through it.
Victoria: But Joy told us not to get involved.
Melanie: Yes, she did.

Melanie: I had a lot of wedding jitters, but I went through with it, and it worked out just fine. Of course, I did get divorced, you know, but our marriage had the stress of children.
Andi: Owen already has a child.
Melanie: Right.
Victoria: Andi, I know a little about pre-wedding nerves. I’ve been married six times. Seven, if you count my marriage to your future mother-in-law.
Andi: You were married to Joy?
Victoria: Never consummated.
Elka: I just want you to know, I do believe Owen is straight.
Andi: You thought Owen was gay?
Elka: Totally. But that shouldn’t even enter your mind.
Andi: It didn’t.
Elka: Don’t let it.

Victoria: Jerry, no one can know about us, especially at your daughter’s wedding.
Gerald: But I don’t know how long I can keep this secret from my wife.
Victoria: Well, but if she finds out, then the press will find out, and then it’ll be everywhere.
Gerald: Okay.
Victoria: Thank you. You are a dear, sweet man. I could kiss you right now. [Chuckles] And surely you understand why this has to be a secret. I mean, if people find out we went to high school together, they’ll figure out my true age.
Gerald: But your friends must know your true age.
Victoria: They know a true age, not the true age.

Simon: Oh, damn it, you’re dressed.
Joy: Simon, you can’t keep barging into my room. And why are you wearing a kilt?
Simon: It’s for the rehearsal dinner. That’s another thing you and I have in common: We both have the legs to pull off a skirt.
Joy: Stop flirting with me. You can’t charm your way back into my life. I’m with someone else now.
Simon: I plan to change that. Tonight I’m gonna make a toast to first love, like Owen and Andi, like you and me.
Joy: Simon.
Simon: Joy, we’re a family. What more could a boy want than his parents to get back together? Let’s make this a perfect wedding for our son.
[Phone chirps]
Joy: Oh, damn it! The dry cleaner can’t get “Murder” out of the wedding dress.
Simon: What?
Joy: Never mind. I’ve got to go down there.
Bob: Simon.
Simon: Bob. Are you coloring your hair?
Bob: That’s not important. What is important is, I heard everything you said to Joy, and I think you’re absolutely right.
Simon: You do?
Bob: Yes, you’re her first love. She’s never gonna get over that. It’s time for me to accept that fact and move on. I’m gonna get dressed and get out of Joy’s life. Oh, one more thing. Owen’s wedding ring is in the pocket of my suit in that closet. Why don’t you get it? You should be the one to present it at the wedding.
Simon: Sure. And thank you.
[Pounding on door]
Simon: Hey, what’s going on?

Owen: And I’d like to thank my mom for a wonderful, uneventful evening.
Melanie: Hear, hear.
Bob: Hear, hear.
Owen: I guess all that’s left is the cake.
Joy: The cake is fine, right?
Melanie: Don’t worry. I was very explicit with the baker. I told him absolutely no penis on this cake.
Reverend: Oh, my. There’s “Absolutely no penis” on this cake.
Elka: I miss them too.
Reverend: No, that’s what it says on the cake: “Absolutely no penis.”
Owen: Mom?
Melanie: No, no, no, no, honey, I can explain. See, the first cake was a fairy tale cake with a castle and turrets that looked like, well, penises. But I told the baker on this cake, absolutely no penis, and he, you know, took me literally.
Gerald: Well, Reverend, I suppose there’s nothing sinful about eating a cake like that.
Reverend: Just the calories.
[Laughter]
[Glass dinging]
Bob: Everyone, I know Simon was planning to make the toast tonight, but he doesn’t seem to be here at the moment. I guess he had something better to do, not to besmirch the name of the man who knocked Joy up as a teenager, left her, and returned several times just to break her heart again. But I digress. To love.
(Simon) First love. Here’s to first love!
Joy: Simon? Where are you?
(Simon) I’m up above in the air duct! Bob locked me in the closet, but I burst through the ceiling and crawled my way over here.
Bob: What a ridiculous story from a ridiculous man. You know, on this happy occasion, it’s hard not to think of the great Canadian comedian Howard “Howie” Mandel.
(Simon) Or the great Scottish poet Shirley MacLaine, who said: [Speaking Scottish Gaelic]
Reverend: Scottish? Sounds like Klingon.
Bob: Joy is mine now, Simon. She’s never coming back to you.
Simon: She’ll be mine again, Bob. You wait and see.
Joy: Stop it. You’re ruining the rehearsal dinner.
Andi: It doesn’t matter. There’s not gonna be a wedding.
Owen: Andi, what are you saying?
Andi: Melanie and Victoria and Elka came to my room this afternoon and changed my mind about getting married.
Joy: You what?
Melanie: Oh, no, Andi. We were reassuring you that marriage is good, because in the elevator, you said you had cold feet.
Andi: What? I was talking about whether I should wear sandals with my wedding dress, ’cause my feet might be cold.
[Together] Oh.
Andi: Owen, the other reason I can’t go through with the wedding is, how can I believe in marriage when my own father is having an affair with Victoria?
[Together] What?
Andi: Don’t deny it. I overheard you two whispering in the hall.
Gerald: Oh, no, sweetheart. We’re not–we are not having an affair. Victoria and I were whispering because we went to high school together, and she was begging me not to tell everyone that we graduated in 19–
Owen: well, nice scene, Mom. You promised you wouldn’t embarrass me.
Joy: I’m sorry, Owen. But this time, I’m gonna fix it. Everyone, sit down and be quiet. Andi, you’re getting married tomorrow, because you love my son. But no wedding is perfect, because love isn’t perfect. Tomorrow your dress is going to say “Murder” on it. And your wedding band will read, “United in Satan.” But none of that matters, because you’re in love, and people who are in love should get married. Which is why I’m not marrying you, Simon. I’m marrying Bob.
Simon: You are?
Bob: You are?
Barry: You are?
Joy: Yes, I am.
Bob: Is this a proposal?
Simon: No!
Joy: Yes.
Bob: Well, then let’s do this right. Joy You’re the most amazing woman I’ve ever met. I love you, and I always will, and I wish I had a ring to put on your beautiful finger right now.
[Bird squawks]
[Ring clatters]
Bob: Well, seems the bride’s real ring has been released. So I can give you this one. Joy, will you marry me?
Joy: Oh, Bob, yes.
[Applause]
Andi: Congratulations. Speaking of weddings, can we get back to mine?
Owen: Does this mean that there might be one?
Andi: Yes. Oh, thank God, because even though my mom and her friends will always be around and no one will be more insane than they are, no one will ever love you more than I do.
Andi: I love you too, Owen.
[Simon crashes through the ceiling and is hanging, stuck]
Barry: Hung like a horse.
Reverend: Oh, my.

Elka: Are you okay?
Simon: I will be. Joy’ll be happy with Bob. He’s a good guy.
Elka: He is. And so are you.
Simon: Thank you. Well, I guess I better get in touch with the front desk and see about getting a room.
Elka: I’ve got plenty of room here.
Simon: Elka What are you implying?
Elka: I think I’m being rather clear.
Simon: What the hell. Let’s give ’em something to talk about.