Hot in Cleveland S05, Ep24 – The Bachelors

Season: 5
Episode: 24
Title: The Bachelors
Original Air Date: September 10, 2014


Guest Stars:
Carl Reiner: Max
Tim Daly: Mitch
Craig Ferguson: Simon
Marion Ross: Olga
Romy Rosemont: Marcie
Chris Harrison: Chris Harrison
Luke Perry: Trevor
Stephen Root: Brian
Dave Foley: Bob
Annie Heller: Barbara
Kim Yarbrough: Nurse


Synopsis: Joy appears to be in an episode of The Bachelor. Chris Harrison is interviewing her about the ladies birthdate celebration. Elka wants to be reunited with her first love Stan. However, now Stan is Olga. Melanie goes on a date with a man named Brain who called in to her radio show. But he has a sex surrogate. It turns out he’s in love her. Victoria wanted to go out with a hot model named Trevor. However, her kidney donation made him change his life and become a donor. He grows replacement noses, ears, etc. on his forehead. Mitch reserves the whole patio for he and Joy. As he pulls out a ring to propose Simon jumps in and proposes. Mitch is ticked and Joy is shocked. Mitch gets his proposal out as well. She conferences with the ladies in the bathroom and tells them about both proposals. They are shocked and congratulate her. Bob then bursts into the bathroom and proposes too. Joy can’t decide. She tries talking with all and they get competitive. Bob is eliminated. So then it becomes one on one. She is dancing with Simon as Bob and Mitch come back. They all start fighting over her, throwing punches. One from Simon goes astray and knocks Joy out. At the hospital she comes to. Everyone is outside her room. Max appears and he and Elka reconnect. Due to Joy’s state, the nurse tells everyone she needs rest and is in no state to make a decision that important…to be continued.


Click on either link to grab the fifth season of the show, it’s a great way to support the ladies and have some serious laughs.

Amazon Hot in Cleveland: Season Five

iTunes Hot in Cleveland, Season 5 – Hot in Cleveland


Favorite Quotes:

* Melanie: He brought his sex surrogate. This is the worst date ever.
Victoria: Is it, Melanie? How many noses does your date have? Because mine has two.

* Victoria: Is it, Melanie? Stranger than a man with two noses, and an extra ear? I am on a date with Mr. Potato Head.


Transcript:

Chris: The moment we’ve all been waiting for, is finally here. Tonight, on the most dramatic episode, in the history of this series–
Joy: You don’t have to shout, I’m right here.
Chris: I’m sorry Joy. Look, you are about to embark on an incredible journey. Tell us about it.
Joy: Well, every year for our fake birthdays my friends and I fix each other up.
Chris: Four women, four dates. There’s a chance no one’s heart is gonna be broken here. Where’s the fun in that?
Joy: Oh, there’s always plenty of heartbreak. But this year’s going to be different.
Chris: Do you say that every year?
Joy: Yes. But this year really is going to be different.
Chris: Do you also say that every year?
Joy: Yes.
Chris: Just tell me about the dates.
Joy: Well, Elka wanted us to track down Stan, her first love, who she left behind in Poland 70 years ago.
Elka: He was Mr. Sour Cream when I was Miss Teen Potato. When the villagers laid him on top of me and wrapped us in tinfoil. Well, one thing led to another.
Melanie: So, what kind of ritual is that?
Elka: Well, it was supposed to keep the Germans away. In hindsight, we should’ve invested in tanks.
Joy: Victoria wanted us to set her up with a male model she saw in Cleveland Magazine.
Victoria: Well, I don’t care about romance. All I want is beauty.
Melanie: You say that every year.
Victoria: Yeah, well, I have yet to get it. I have put up with man boobs, conjoined twins, webbing, and tails.
Chris: What’s so weird about a guy with a tail? You know, many prominent, sexy entertainment personalities have tails.
Joy: Oh, my God, do you mean you–
Chris: Hey, you know, uh, why don’t you just tell me about the date with Melanie.
Joy: Well, she wanted a guy who called into her radio show, looking for advice for his shyness with women.
Melanie: So, I told him to see a counselor. And then, a week later, he calls back off the air and he was just so grateful and sweet, and incredibly perceptive.
Joy: What exactly did he say?
Melanie: He said I was beautiful and smart.
[Murmurs of agreement]
Joy: Well, I wish you luck with your desperate little dating capers. I, of course, will be with Mitch, the man I love, and who, in an unusual twist, loves me back. So, don’t even bother wishing me luck, because, for once in my life, I don’t need it.
Chris: So you rubbed it in your friends’ faces by saying you had the perfect date. And then you tempted fate by saying nothing could possibly go wrong for you. In retrospect, you wish you hadn’t done that?
Joy: I do. I really do.

Melanie: So you’re an actual rocket scientist? Why didn’t you tell me?
Brian: Well, when you tell people you’re a rocket scientist, they assume you’re brilliant. It’s a lot to live up to.
Melanie: So are you brilliant?
Brian: I kind of am, yeah.
Melanie: Oh.
[Both laugh]
Melanie: Brian, I’m having such a good time.
Brian: Oh, me too. The world disappears when I look at you.
Melanie: Oh, Brian. Someone’s gotten over their shyness, huh?
Marcy: [Laughs] Oh, sorry I’m late. How are things going?
Brian: Uh, great, I think. Uh, things are going great, right?
Melanie: I yeah. Um, Brian, who is this?
Brian: I’m sorry, Melanie, this is Marcy.
Marcy: Oh, so nice to meet you. Have you touched her yet?
Brian: I’ve held her hand. Mm-hm.
Marcy: Good, good, that’s very good. Any compliments?
Brian: Well, I did the one about the world disappearing.
Marcy: Oh, excellent.
Melanie: Yeah. Uh, sorry, I still don’t know who Marcy is.
Brian: Oh, oh. When you advised me to get professional help, Marcy is the person I called.
Melanie: Oh, she’s your therapist.
Marcy: Mm, in a way. I’m his sex surrogate.
Melanie: What?
Brian: Yeah, yeah. We’ve had sex enough times that, uh, I’m I’m ready to do it with a woman I’m dating.
Marcy: And if tonight goes well, Melanie, that could be you. And let me tell you, you’re in for a treat.
Olga: Elka?
Elka: Yes?
Olga: It’s me, Stan! Your first love?
Elka: Stan?
Olga: Well, Olga, now. But you haven’t changed a bit.
Elka: You, on the other hand…

Victoria: I just happened upon a picture of you on the internet, in a bathing suit, and I have to ask was there any photoshopping done, or are you actually perfect from head to toe?
Trevor: I actually am. But that’s so superficial. The thing that made me want to go out with you was when I read that you donated a kidney.
Victoria: That makes me glad I did it.
Trevor: It inspired me. Gave me the courage to take a break from modeling, help someone out.
Victoria: Are you donating a kidney to someone?
Trevor: No, uh, my brother was in a car accident and his nose was irreparably damaged. Well, forehead skin is the best match for nose skin.
Victoria: So you’re donating some of your perfect forehead skin to your brother?
Trevor: Even better. This is really gonna make you happy. Impressive, huh?
Victoria: Well, it’s nothing to sneeze at.

Joy: It was so romantic of you to reserve the whole patio just for us. Mitch, are you okay?
Mitch: Joy, I’ve been thinking a lot about the two of us and about how much we love each other and about our future.
Joy: Future? Are you saying what I think you’re saying?
Mitch: Please, I want to get this just right.
Joy: Sorry, go ahead.
Mitch: Okay, uh, where was I? Thinking about the two of us, love each other, future Oh, uh, yeah. Deep breath. Take a knee. Joy, I love you so much. Will you Will you–
Simon: Joy, will you marry me?
Mitch: What the hell?
Joy: Simon, did you just propose to me?
Simon: Yes, I did.
Mitch: Well, so did I. I w I mean, I was going to. Joy, will you marry me? And not him?
Simon: Mine’s bigger.

Melanie: He brought his sex surrogate. This is the worst date ever.
Victoria: Is it, Melanie? How many noses does your date have? Because mine has two.
Elka: That’s nuts. And speaking of nuts, my date doesn’t have any anymore.
Joy: Two men just proposed to me. First Mitch, and then Simon!
Melanie: Oh, my God, Joy!
Joy: I know! Two wonderful, handsome men who want to spend the rest of their lives with me. Oh, this is all so complicated.
Bob: There’s only one thing more complicated. A third such man who wanted to propose but missed his bus.
Joy: Bob?
Bob: Joy Will you marry me?
[All gasp]
Bob: It was my grandmother’s ring. She loved it so much, she was buried with it. Please Don’t ask the next logical question.

Chris: Joy. Three bachelors, one final rose. Two of these men will leave tonight, utterly devastated. This is more like it.
Joy: I needed some time to think, so my friends went back to their dates.

Melanie: [Clears throat]
Brian: Sorry. [Laughs] Last minute cram session. So, how were my hands?
Marcy: Oh, terrific.
Brian: Mm-hmm?
Marcy: You really painted the entire canvas of my back beautifully.
Brian: [Exhales]
Marcy: Well, when we started, Brian was a little same-spot-Sally.
Melanie: You know what? I think the two of us can take it from here.
Marcy: Oh! Okay.
Brian: Uh–
Marcy: Don’t be nervous. I’ll be at the bar.
Brian: Um Oh, this is gonna be weird, doing it without Marcy.
Melanie: It was a little weird doing it with Marcy. So, are you originally from Cleveland?
Brian: I love her, Melanie!
Melanie: What?
Brian: I love Marcy! I started having sex with her because I wanted to be with you, but, then the strangest thing happened. I started having feelings for the person I was having sex with. Yeah, but, beggars can’t be choosers. I’m on a date with you, so do you have any hobbies?
Melanie: Yeah, don’t even.
Brian: All right.

Victoria: So, in a few weeks, the nose will be harvested, and, you’ll be your hot self again.
Trevor: Actually, I’ve decided I, uh, I have a responsibility to let my fertile forehead serve humanity.
Victoria: I I’m sorry, what?
Trevor: Yeah, see this little guy right here? In 18 months, that’s gonna be a full-grown ear.

Elka: The more I drink, the less crazy it seems that you became a woman!
Both: [Laugh]
Olga: Well, you remember our town’s motto “Drink until it makes sense.”
Elka: Mmm
Olga: Ah.
Elka: I can’t believe you’re my Stanislaus.
Olga: Oh, I am. The same person that sat in the ox cart with you in the moonlight.
Both: [Laugh]
Elka: That’s where we shared our first kiss!
Olga: You were the only woman I ever loved.
Elka: I guess you were the only “woman” I ever loved, too.

Joy: Look, you’re three amazing men, and, hopefully we can get through this without too many hurt feelings.
Bob: Obviously this situation is a potential minefield, so let’s agree from the start, separate checks?
Mitch: Look, Joy, this is insane. I’m your boyfriend. I invited you here to propose to you. From the moment we met, you said I was the man you wanted to marry.
Bob: Yes, and then you immediately started cavorting with her friend, Melanie.
Joy: That’s true.
Mitch: But, I proposed first.
Simon: Actually, I proposed first. We have a child, and a grandchild, together. And– and you always said that I’m the love of your life. If anyone’s destined to be with you forever, it’s me.
Mitch: Yeah, you’d better move fast. Knowing Simon, you’ll say “yes,” and he’ll be on the first plane to can’t-commit-istan.
Bob: Mitch makes an excellent point about how awful Simon is.
Simon: Can we just get rid of Bob, and narrow the field to the real contenders?
Mitch: Agreed.
Bob: Hey, I thought we had an alliance.
Mitch: Why would we have an alliance?
Bob: All right, fine. If the gloves are off, I suggest you kick Scotty and fatso, here, to the curb.
Mitch: Hey, I’m not fat anymore.
Simon: Oh, I don’t know, those pounds are coming back.
Mitch: Shut up.
Simon: You shut up!
Bob: Both of you shut up. Right, Joy?
Joy: Okay. Obviously this group date was a terrible idea. Why don’t I talk to each one of you separately?
Mitch: May the best man win.
Bob: Or the funniest.
Simon: Or the tallest and smartest and handsomest. Or, just the tallest and smartest.

Victoria: So, you’re still considering all three of them, even Bob?
Joy: Yes, even Bob. I like him.
Melanie: And he likes you. Which puts him ahead of my date, who’s in love with his sexual surrogate. It’s so strange!
Victoria: Is it, Melanie? Stranger than a man with two noses, and an extra ear? I am on a date with Mr. Potato Head.
Joy: Well, I’d better get back out there, and make the biggest decision of my life.
Elka: Joy? Choose a good one. You deserve it.
Joy: Okay, I’m waiting. Where’s the insult? I’ve got no boobs, I’m old, I’m skanky.
Elka: I’m saving those for your wedding toast.
[Joy Blows Elka a kiss]

Joy: Bob, you’re a terrific guy. But, we’ve never even been on a date. Marriage seems quite the leap.
Bob: Fine, forget me. Focus on your other two suitors. Let’s face it, both Mitch and Simon are gonna lose their looks. Where as I? Will look like this forever. Well, as long as shoppers drug mart continues to make “apricot kiss foam-in hair color, for men.”
Joy: Stop making me laugh.
Bob: Why, Joy? You love to laugh. I could guarantee you a lifetime of laughter. Joy, I’ve been in love with you from the first moment I met you.
Joy: But, what about your girlfriend in Canada? Are you sure that’s over?
Bob: Her last words to me were, “get out of here, you big dick.”
Joy: I’m sorry.
Bob: Focus on the last two words, Joy.

Mitch: [Laughs] I love Joy so much. She should be with me. It’s as plain the nose on my Holy crap!
Trevor: You obviously recognize me from Cleveland Magazine.
Victoria: Yeah, that’s it.

Simon: What do I do if Joy doesn’t pick me? I’ll be lost, I’ll be devastated, I I won’t be able to go on.
Olga: Let me ask you something. Were you always a man?
Elka: You could always make me smile.
Olga: Oh, Elka. If only you were a man.
Elka: I was just about to say the same thing.
Simon: What the hell is going on, here?

Mitch: Joy, you mean the world to me. We’re soul mates. Even after I lost 300 pounds, I would look at myself in the mirror, and I would see a fat guy. But your love has given me the confidence to see myself for who I truly am. A very handsome man.
Joy: Mitch.
Mitch: I’m very handsome, Joy. Borderline pretty.
Joy: You really are.
Mitch: And you are a little shallow, right?
Joy: More than a little.
Mitch: Then picture waking up for the next 50 years next to Simon, or Bob, or, waking up next to this.
Joy: You make a lot of sense, Mitch. A lot of sense.

Melanie: So, Marcy. Brian and I have been, um, talking, and he has something that he would like to say to you. Brian?
Brian: Yes. Marcy, uh, I, you see–
Bob: Sorry to interrupt. Melanie?
Melanie: What?
Bob: I need your help to win Joy. Anything that will make her want me over all other men.
Marcy: Maybe I can help. By having sex with me, you’ll become a better lover.
Bob: You have my attention.
Brian: No, I I I don’t want you having sex with anybody but me.
Bob: I’m flattered, but–
Melanie: Not you, her. He’s in love with her.
Marcy: Is this true?
Brain: Yes, Marcy.
Marcy: So, when I taught you to call out Melanie’s name, you–you actually wanted to call out mine?
Brian: [Laughing] Yes. No, I only thought of Melanie when I needed to distract myself to make it last longer.
Marcy: Oh!
Brian: Sometimes I’d think of her radio show, and I could last all night.
Bob: I’m gonna need tape of your show.

Mitch: So, Trevor, you’re a model. How do good-looking guys, like us, win a woman?
Trevor: It’s not about the looks. If you really wanna capture Joy’s heart, do something humanitarian. Women love that.
Victoria: Do they?
Trevor: Well, yeah. And you only know about the ear and the nose. You won’t believe what I got growing on my back. You’ll see.
Victoria: Will it see me? Tell me now.

Bob: You did a good thing, Melanie.
Melanie: Yeah, I did, didn’t I?
Bob: Why are we still sitting here? And where’s Mitch going? It’s not his turn.
Waitress: Can I get you another drink?
Melanie: What do you think?

Simon: Joy. When I look at you, I see the teenage girl I fell in love with. And that’s who I’m always gonna see.
Joy: Really?
Bob: Dancing? I didn’t know there’d be a dancing portion.
Mitch: Let go of her.
Bob: No, you let go of her.
Mitch: She’s mine.
Bob: She’s mine!
Joy: Stop it! All of you!
[Joy gets knocked out cold by Simon during the fight over her]
Simon: Oh my God.

Chris: This has been quite a journey for you, Joy. Have you made your decision?
Joy: I think I have. I choose I choose– Wait a minute, you’re not Chris Harrison.
Nurse: You’ve had a bad bump, sweetie. You need to lie quiet for a while.
Simon: I feel terrible. I’ve never hit a woman before.
Bob: Me either. Except the time an elbow got away from me in zumba class.
Elka: Cheer up, Simon. If Joy doesn’t pick you I’m right here.
Melanie: You know Bob, I’ve always thought you were kinda cute. I’d go out with you.
Bob: Keep it in your pants, Melanie. I’m in love with Joy.
Melanie: What a nice night it’s been.
Elka: It was great to see Stan again, but I really had a feeling I was gonna meet a special man tonight.
Max: Elka?
Elka: Max! What are you doing here?
Max: I thought I was having heart trouble. But it was nothing. Although, now, it’s starting to race again.
Elka: [Laughs] Is it?
Max: You know, I’m just visiting from Florida, I’m not staying very long, but, uh, would you, uh–
Elka: yes!
Max: And maybe tomorrow?
Elka: Yes.
Max: And there was something else I wanted to ask you–
Elka: Uh When you remember it, yes.
Nurse: Okay, she’s doing fine. She just needs to rest.
Bob: Did she say anything about which man she was going to marry?
Nurse: She’s in no condition to be making life decisions.
Elka: Then, I guess everyone is just gonna have to wait.

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Hot in Cleveland S05, Ep23 – Don Elka

Season: 5
Episode: 23
Title: Don Elka
Original Air Date: September 3, 2014


Guest Stars:
Georgia Engel: Mamie
Craig Ferguson: Simon
Casey Washington: Shane
Annie Heller: Barbara
Brian Takahashi: Hiro
Emi Hatanaka: Akiko


Synopsis: The ladies are at the bar. Elka is acting like the Godfather. Simon contacts Joy out of the blue. He wants to talk. At the house a video conference call make up session is going on. Melanie comes in and says she got a ticket. She tried using Elka’s name to get out of it and it failed. Simon and Joy video call, but as she is telling him she is with someone else, it fails. Joy is freaked out as she does not know if he heard her or not. After she goes upstairs Simon walks out of the closet. He tells the ladies he wants Joy back and will do whatever it takes to make that happen. So he pretends to be a priest and a massage therapist. She’s very confused. Wilbur’s nanny quits and now Joy is trying to find a new one. Simon pulls a Mrs. Doubtfire, and one of the ladies hides her glasses and contacts so she won’t know its him. Late on, Joy gets a text from Mitch. He misses her so much he’s cutting his trip short to come back to her. The doorbell rings and Victoria is excited. It should be her Oscar, but instead its a Buddha.


Click on either link to grab the fifth season of the show, it’s a great way to support the ladies and have some serious laughs.

Amazon Hot in Cleveland: Season Five

iTunes Hot in Cleveland, Season 5 – Hot in Cleveland


Favorite Quotes:

* Melanie: Something terrible just happened. A cop just gave me a ticket.
Victoria: What? We can’t flirt our way out of tickets in Cleveland? Why even live here?

* Joy: Look close. Tell me what you think? Is this the face of a man who just heard me say, “I’m in love with someone else”?
Elka: I don’t know. But this is the face of somebody who’s tired of hearing about it.

* Melanie: It’s an Oscar, not a real man.
Victoria: But he’s made of gold, and he has no opinions. So in some ways he’s better.

* Mamie: I have an idea. If you need a disguise, maybe you should be a Scottish nanny, like Mrs. Doubtfire.
Elka: What a great movie that was.
Mamie: My favorite part was when the pots boiled over.
Elka: There’s nothing funnier than boobs on fire.

* Elka: I don’t think I could name a best partner. To me orgasms are like doughnuts. I never had a bad one.
Mamie: Even day-olds are just fine.


Transcript:

Waitress: Councilwoman, you honor us with your presence.
Joy: This is crazy. You won a city council post. Why is everyone treating you like you’re the Godfather?
Mamie: The councilwoman says it would be a shame if something were to happen to those legs you so shamelessly display.
Manager: Councilwoman. I bring you special cannolis prepared by my wife.
Elka: [As Brando] This is a nice thing you do for me.
Manager: Councilwoman, a request. Food inspectors, they come here, they give me a “B.” I say to my staff, for justice we must go to Councilwoman Ostrovsky.
Elka: I see an “A” in your future.
Manager: Thank you, Councilwoman.
Joy: How are you going to get them to change the grade?
Elka: Don’t ask me about my business, Joy.
Joy: Look, it’s Victoria.
Melanie: Is that academy award-winner, Victoria Chase?
Joy: It is, it is!
Victoria: Oh, stop. This is so embarrassing. [giggles] Not bad, but you forgot, “she’s even more beautiful in person.” Oh, look what I got. It’s a fake Oscar I found at a novelty store. I’m gonna use it to figure out the best place to display my real one when it arrives.
Melanie: You know, I read that when you won, 80% of American’s thought that John Travolta read the wrong name.
Victoria: Did I mention it’s also a water pistol?
[text alert plays]
Joy: Oh, it’s from Mitch. He’s going out of town for a few days. It says, “I miss you already.”
Melanie: Aw. You look very happy, Joy.
Joy: I am. But I’m scared to trust it. It’s ridiculous, but I feel like something awful will happen the moment I just come out and say I’m happy, and I’m in love with Mitch. [text alert plays] Oh, my God! Something awful has happened! It’s Simon. I haven’t heard from him in months, and now out of the blue he wants to video chat? Oh, I should get this over with right now and tell him about Mitch. But I can’t.
Mamie: Why not?
Joy: I can’t video chat like this. You have to look your sexiest when you’re telling a man you’re never going to have sex with him again.
[overlapping agreement]
Manager: Shall I clear the table?
Melanie: Oh, thank you.
Manager: Oh, I’ve seen these. It’s a water gun, right?
Elka: Leave the gun. Take the cannolis.

Victoria: There, this will take care of the shadows. Oh! You’re all set for your video chat. Just remember, your right side is your best, never show the left side of your face.
Joy: What’s wrong with my left side?
Victoria: Nothing, it’s gorgeous.
Joy: But you just said–
Victoria: Melanie, hello!
Melanie: Something terrible just happened. A cop just gave me a ticket.
Victoria: What? We can’t flirt our way out of tickets in Cleveland? Why even live here?
Melanie: No, it was a female cop. And I got caught up in the whole Elka Godfather thing. And I said, if the ticket would somehow go away, that Elka would give her a promotion. Now she’s going to investigate Elka.
Victoria: Why would you do that?
Melanie: I’m weak. I’m Fredo.
Victoria: Ugh!
[text alert plays]
Joy: Oh, my God. It’s Simon.
Melanie: Okay, just remember, your left side’s your best side.
Victoria: No, no, no, her right side is her best side. Her left side is crap.
Melanie: No, her right side is crap.
Joy: Go! [text alert plays] Hello, Simon. How are you?
Simon: [Scottish accent] Joy, you look fantastic.
Joy: Do I? This is how I look all the time now. Since you left.
Simon: Why are your breasts glowing?
Joy: That happens all the time now too. Look, Simon–
Simon: Joy, I’m sorry I haven’t been in touch lately, but I think about you all the time. And Owen and Wilbur. How is everyone?
Joy: Everyone is doing great. But there’s something I need to tell you. I’ve met someone, and, well I’m in love. Simon? You seem to have frozen. I don’t know what you heard. Simon. Simon!

Joy: Look close. Tell me what you think? Is this the face of a man who just heard me say, “I’m in love with someone else”?
Elka: I don’t know. But this is the face of somebody who’s tired of hearing about it.
Melanie: Joy, honey, we’ve been analyzing this for two days now, and, until you reach him, you’re not going to know what he heard.
Victoria: I think you should just delete it and move on.
Joy: I want to, but for some reason I can’t seem to delete his stupid face.
Melanie: Do you think you still might have feelings for him?
Joy: I don’t know. I hope not. I’m so unsettled about the whole thing. I just wish Mitch would get back.
Victoria: Oh, I know how you feel, honey. I’m waiting and hoping for my man too.
Melanie: It’s an Oscar, not a real man.
Victoria: But he’s made of gold, and he has no opinions. So in some ways he’s better.
Melanie: That’s true.
Mamie: You know, Joy, when I’m troubled and I want to talk things out, I go to confession.
Joy: The last time I went was when Simon got me pregnant. I suppose God might enjoy the irony.
Victoria: Oh, poor Joy. If only there was some way she could get in touch with Simon.
Simon: I might be able to help with that.

Melanie: Oh, my God, Simon?
Victoria: What are you doing here?
Simon: Before the computer crashed, I heard enough to know that Joy was dumping me. I was on the next flight out of the Sudan.
Elka: He got in last night. He stayed at my place.
Simon: Nothing happened, obviously.
Elka: That’s our story.
Melanie: Simon, you can’t just leave Joy again And then just waltz back into her life whenever you’re ready.
Victoria: Yeah, you left. She found someone else. She’s happy. Buzz off.
Simon: I made a mistake. I should’ve come back sooner. I love her. I can’t live without her. I need to see for myself if this Mitch makes her feel the way I used to make her feel.
Victoria: And how are you going to do that? Just up and confront her?
Simon: No, if I did that, she’d send me packing. I need to find a way to get close to her without her knowing it’s me So I can soften her up a little bit first. You know, remind her of what I used to mean to her.
Victoria: Mm, you mean trick her into liking you again.
Simon: Look, if Joy really loves Mitch, then there’s nothing I can say that’s gonna change that. And if that’s the case, I’ll admit defeat and head off back to Khartoum.
Melanie: Oh, my God, this is like something out of those great rom-coms. He flew halfway around the world just to win her back. What if Simon is her true love, and Mitch is just a rebound? I think I’m on team Simon.
Victoria: I’m still on team Mitch. I’m sorry, Simon, but you had your chance.
Simon: Let me take one more shot. Please.
Victoria: All right. I need something to fill the time until my Oscar gets here. So is it big news in Sudan that I won?
Simon: People are fighting and dying there.
Victoria: Is that a yes or a no?
Mamie: I have an idea. If you need a disguise, maybe you should be a Scottish nanny, like Mrs. Doubtfire.
Elka: What a great movie that was.
Mamie: My favorite part was when the pots boiled over.
Elka: There’s nothing funnier than boobs on fire.
Mamie: So it’s settled.
Simon: No, it’s not settled! I’m not being Mrs. Doubtfire. I’ll come up with something better.
[text alert plays]
Mamie: [gasps] Councilwoman. Somebody tried to bribe a police officer using your name. We have a rat in our midst.
Elka: This does not please me.
Melanie: Did they mention a name?
Mamie: No, but we’ll find out who it is. And when we do, we go to the mattresses.
Melanie: What?
Mamie: We always think better after a nice nap.

Joy: Hello, Father. It’s been 30 years or so since my last confession. So, if I confess my sins, it would take way too long. I’d actually just like to talk about a guy, if that’s okay.
Simon: [resonant voice] Tell me everything, my child.
Joy: His name is Simon.
Simon: Simon. There’s a good strong name. I’m pretty sure he was one of the apostles.
Joy: Pretty sure?
Simon: [clears throat] Tell me about him.
Joy: He was my first love. We had a child together that I gave up for adoption, and just recently he’s come back into my life again.
Simon: Sounds like you’re still in love with him.
Joy: No. I mean, I was. I don’t know. I found someone else, and I’m happy. His name is Mitch and–
Simon: I’ve never cared for that name. There’s the story in the Bible of a Mitch who broke women’s hearts and, um, fornicated with goats.
Joy: Really?
Simon: Mm.
Joy: Well, my Mitch is not like that. When I first saw him, I had the feeling that he was the man I was going to marry. I think he’s my soul mate.
Simon: Did you ever think Simon was your soul mate?
Joy: I did. And I felt happy and fulfilled when he came back. Then he left. He always leaves. That’s what he does.
Simon: Did he leave for some vile reason?
Joy: No. He stopped being a paparazzi for me and left to do something noble with his life so his grandson would be proud of him.
Simon: So your original soul mate is a hero.
Joy: Maybe.
Simon: Sounds like you miss him. I bet he misses you too.
Joy: I feel confused.
Simon: Well, as the Church says, it’s good to doubt.
Joy: You’re a very unusual priest.
Simon: Well, you know, new Pope, new rules.

Melanie: Elka’s going to find out I’m the rat.
Victoria: Well, so what? She’s not really the Godfather. She’s not going to do anything to you.
Melanie: But she’s going to be so disappointed in me. I mean, I’m the good one. I’m the sweet one. You have no idea what that’s like.
Victoria: No, I don’t, but it sounds dull. Oh, look, there’s Joy. So how did things go with the priest?
Joy: Terrible. I went there hoping to get Simon off my mind. Now he’s all I can think about. I almost thought I smelled his cologne. I’m sorry, guys. I’m not good company right now. I’m just gonna take my wine to go.
Victoria: Wow, Joy really seems torn about Simon.
Simon: I know. Isn’t it great? The seed of doubt has been planted. She’s weak and vulnerable and drinking heavily. She’s the woman I fell in love with.
Melanie: I’m not so sure this is in Joy’s best interest. I’m sorry, Simon, but I’m on team Mitch now.
Victoria: Well, I’m switching to team Simon. He shows an impressive range and a real commitment to his character. She should be with him.
Simon: Well put. So I reminded her how she used to think I was her soul mate. Now I need to remind her of how she used to thrill to my touch.

Simon: [with German accent] Just close your eyes, liebchen, and let Hans hands set you free.
Joy: [Sighs sensually] I’m so grateful Victoria insisted on this massage. I’ve been a bit tense lately. There’s something very familiar about your touch.
Simon: Uh-uh, no looking. The hands become shy. Hans’ hands are uber “Ge-shy-zingen.” Your tenseness suggests a lack of sexual fulfillment. Joy, tell me about the sex that you make. Don’t worry, I’m 100% gay. The sight of your naked body actually repulses me.
Joy: Oh, well.. Sex with Mitch is actually amazing. And since you’re gay, I can tell you he has the most ow!
Simon: So what I am hearing is, he’s not the best sex you’ve ever had.
Joy: I didn’t say that! Well, there is another man from my past who is Mitch’s equal, sexually.
Simon: I’ve put the thought of this wonderful man in your mind. I created doubt and confusion in your head. Oh, I feel terrible.

Simon: Well, I’ve awakened all of the old feelings, and I reminded her that I’m the best sex she ever had.
Elka: I don’t think I could name a best partner. To me orgasms are like doughnuts. I never had a bad one.
Mamie: Even day-olds are just fine.
Simon: What I need to do is tug at Joy’s heart strings. We share a son and a grandson. I’ve got to make her realize how much this chance to be one happy family really means.
Melanie: Oh, that’s Joy! Get down.
Joy: I can’t believe it. On top of everything else, Wilbur’s nanny just quit. Apparently, she wants a family of her own. Well, this time I’m hiring an older nanny. Someone who’s looking at her uterus in the rear-view mirror.
Elka: So Joy needs a nanny.
Mamie: Perhaps a Scottish nanny.
Simon: No. There has to be a better idea.

Joy: I’m sorry, I’m having a bit of trouble reading your resume. I’m a bit blind right now. Somehow my contacts and my glasses disappeared.
Simon: [Silly falsetto voice] That’s all right, dearie. You have a very pretty squint.
Joy: Really? Thank you, Mrs. Mccracken.
Simon: Oh, please. Call me Elspeth.
Joy: Well, you seem delightful, and whatever you’re baking in the kitchen smells wonderful. Do you have any questions for me?
Simon: Well, just the one, dearie. I was wondering about the whereabouts of Wilbur’s grandfather.
Joy: He’s no longer around. We were together, but I’m in a new relationship now and very happy. Onwards and upwards, no regrets.
Simon: Oh, there’s always regrets. I had a man, my first love, in fact. He was handsome and craggy, quite a catch. But then I was considered a great beauty in my home town.
Joy: Was it a small town?
Simon: It was, but I didn’t treat him well, and I lost him to another woman. You say you’re happy with your new man, but there must be part of you that dreamed of keeping your clan together.
Joy: I suppose so.
Simon: Mm. Just think of the Christmases. The bairn and his parents and grandparents all hanging stockings by the fire. Wilbur, Owen, Joy and what was the grandfather’s name?
Joy: Simon.
Simon: Simon. Oh, goes so well on a sock. [Bell chimes] That would be my cookies.

Simon: I’ve done it. [Normal voice] I’ve done it. Her mind, her body and her heart are all a mess, thanks to me. I’m going to stay in Cleveland. I’m going to do whatever it takes to win her back.
Mamie: Oh, how romantic. Uh-oh. Those pots look like they’re boiling over.
Elka: Oh, you’re right, Mamie Sue, they are.
Simon: What? I thought I was just making cookies. Oh, no. I know what you’re doing. You want me to set my boobs on fire like Mrs. Doubtfire. Well, it’s not gonna happen, ’cause these babies are not made of foam. They’re a realistic mix of popcorn kernels and birdseed.
Elka: Now, we know why he likes Joy. He has no idea how a real breast feels.
Joy: Anything I can do to help?
Simon: [Falsetto voice] No, everything’s under control. Oh! Hot!
Joy: Is everything all right?
Simon: Ah, just a spot of bother with my rack.
[crisp popping]
Joy: Do I smell popcorn?
Simon: [sniffs] No, I-I don’t think so.
Joy: There’s some on your blouse.
Simon: Oh, yes, my blouse corn. The kiddie-winks love it. Well, I just remembered, there’s another interview that I have to go to. So I’ll leave you with my cookies, and I’ll, uh, pop off.
Joy: Bye.
[birds cawing]
Simon: Oh, my God, birds!

Victoria: So you just got a slap on the wrist from the mayor? Well, that’s not so bad.
Melanie: You probably don’t even care who the rat is anymore, right? Moving on. [chuckles]
Elka: [smooches] I know it was you, Melanie. [as Brando] You broke my heart.
Melanie: Elka, I’m so sorry. Can you ever forgive me?
Elka: As a sign of forgiveness, the councilwoman has asked me to take you on a boat ride tomorrow.
Joy: I just got a text from Mitch. He’s coming back early because he misses me so much.
Victoria: Oh, that’s so sweet.
Joy: It is. I have a man who comes back. Why am I making myself crazy over a man who always leaves? I mean Mitch is rushing back to me, and Simon is halfway around the world, probably not even thinking about me. Although, before his face froze, he did say he was thinking about me all the time. Oh, why can’t I get him out of my head?
Melanie: Well, we just want you to be happy. So whoever you do choose, we are on Team Joy.
Victoria: Team Joy all the way.
Joy: Thanks, guys.
[doorbell chimes]
Victoria: [gasps] Oh, my God, that must be my Oscar. Coming, darling! Oh, thank you, thank you! No, no autographs. This is it! The thing that will finally give me peace and contentment. What the hell is this fat man?
Melanie: It’s a Buddha.
Victoria: Well, what does a Buddha have to do with peace and contentment?
Joy: Wait, if you’ve got someone’s Buddha, who has your Oscar?
[both speaking Japanese] [speaking Japanese]
Woman: That’s not our Buddha.
Man: It’s an Academy Award…Victoria Chase.
Woman: Oh! Mrs. Ladypants won an Oscar? This is a shocker.

Hot in Cleveland S05, Ep22 – Win, Win

Season: 5
Episode: 22
Title: Win Win
Original Air Date: August 27, 2014


Guest Stars:
Georgia Engel: Mamie
Debra Monk: Loretta
Mac Brandt: Mac


Synopsis: Elka is no longer going with Victoria to the Oscars. Her election is on the same night. Joy won the coin toss so she gets to go with Victoria to the Oscars. Melanie’s mom Loretta comes to visit. The radio station is doing a campaign for Melanie. And instead of using a genuine photo they did some crazy photoshopping that is getting Melanie a lot of criticism. Victoria shows Loretta her dress. Loretta ruins it all by saying another star is wearing the same dress. Melanie and Loretta joke about a stunt Joan Crawford pulled and Victoria decides to copy it. Sadly, Joy will not be going to the Oscars. Melanie and Loretta have a fight and she leaves for the airport. As Victoria and Joy prepare for the Oscars a bee stings Victoria. Joy tries to make it look like a beauty mark. But when Victoria moves all the candles she lights her hair on fire. Meanwhile, downstairs Melanie and Elka are watching the election results. Elka wins!! Melanie is a few drinks past drunk and ranting. Elka looks a tad afraid and takes her wine away. Back upstairs, they announce that Helen Mirren wins. Victoria curses in disgust and then the announcer says she won as well. It’s a tie. She gives the strangest speech ever. While Joy rips off her nurses outfit to show her dress. However, she has a wardrobe malfunction and exposes her breast. Melanie comes upstairs and goes on a drunken rant on the Oscars. Elka takes over and apologizes to Mamie Sue. And Victoria begs them to cut her off. Melanie’s mom comes back and they make up. Everyone celebrates Elka’s and Victoria’s wins.


Click on either link to grab the fifth season of the show, it’s a great way to support the ladies and have some serious laughs.

Amazon Hot in Cleveland: Season Five

iTunes Hot in Cleveland, Season 5 – Hot in Cleveland


Favorite Quotes:

* Victoria: Oh, I know. Why am I incapable of faking happiness for other people? Melanie, how do you do it?
Melanie: I’m not faking it. I am genuinely happy when others do well.
Victoria: But Why?

* Elka: Campaign promises– They’re like Joy’s dates. They do the deed, and then they disappear.

* Victoria: I’ll do it. Oh, thank you, Joan Crawford, for your inspiring example.
Melanie: You don’t hear that very often.

* Mamie: Mamie Sue Johnson. That’s me. You Chris Christie’d me!
Elka: It’s just politics.
Mamie: You know, if I am fired, I should go. No need to drive me home. I’ll take the bus you threw me under.

* Joy: What an amazing night. To Victoria and Elka. The only downside was that a billion people saw my boob.
Elka: Oh, stop complaining, Joy. You’re making a mountain out of a molehill.


Transcript:

Victoria: Look, I can do it this time. I can look happy. Try another one.
Joy: Okay, the winner of the Academy Award for best supporting actress is Helen Mirren.
Victoria: [Bleep].
Melanie: Honey, you can’t say that on TV.
Victoria: Oh, I know. Why am I incapable of faking happiness for other people? Melanie, how do you do it?
Melanie: I’m not faking it. I am genuinely happy when others do well.
Victoria: But Why? Well, at least with Elka sitting next to me, someone will smile convincingly if I lose.
Joy: Again, Elka is staying in Cleveland. Her city council election’s the same night as the Oscars. I’m your date now. Melanie lost the coin toss.
Melanie: And I am genuinely happy for you, Joy.
Joy: Wow. That was so gracious.
Victoria: You know, I can do that. No, no, no. Joy, announce the winner again.
Joy: Okay. And the Academy Award goes to Helen Mirren.
Victoria: [Bleep]. Was that better?
Melanie: Oh, look! George Clooney looks so cute.
Joy: How did it go at the Latino Festival?
Elka: Oh, great. They’re all gonna vote for me.
Mamie: Because you lied to them, like you lie to everyone. She promised them she’d make Spanish the official language of Cleveland.
Elka: Campaign promises– They’re like Joy’s dates. They do the deed, and then they disappear.
Melanie: Ooh, hey, while you were out, did you see the billboards for my radio show?
Mamie: Yes, it’s a beautiful picture of you.
Melanie: Thank you. It’s all part of this new marketing campaign. And the station manager well, he let me bring this home.
Joy: Oh, wow. Gorgeous.
Melanie: They may have photoshopped it just a itty-bitty-bitty bit.
Joy: No it’s just like you.
Mamie: It’s wonderful you don’t care what people are saying about it on photoshopflop.com.
Melanie: What? What’s photoshopflop.com?
Victoria: It’s a website with pictures of famous people before and after they’ve “allegedly” been altered.
Melanie: Oh, my God. They took this totally unflattering “before” picture of me and posted it right next to what I really look like. Okay, maybe I have gained a few pounds since I broke my foot and I haven’t been able to exercise, but this is just mean.
Elka: I promise, if I’m elected, I will see that anyone who makes fun of you is killed.
Melanie: I appreciate that, Elka, but you know what? Maybe this is just my wake-up call. I am not gonna leave this house until I look like her. [Doorbell rings] All I have to do is not eat and avoid any emotional triggers that are gonna make me want to eat. [Chuckles]
Loretta: Hi, baby.
Melanie: Oh, my God. It’s my mom. And I’m pretty sure I just gained 5 pounds.

Loretta: Look, Melly, when I saw those awful comments online of people calling you fat–
Melanie: Well, they didn’t actually say “fat.”
Loretta: Did you read all of them? Because I did.
Melanie: Stupid photoshopflop.com. Horrible website.
Loretta: I agree. Every day I look at it, I’m appalled. I’m here to support you any way I can. If you’re going on a big diet, I’m going on a big diet.
Melanie: Okay, for dinner, I was thinking kale and quinoa–
Loretta: Whoa! Nobody can start a diet this late in the day. It’s not safe. Macaroons, girls?
Joy: Oh, I couldn’t.
Victoria: Oh, neither could I. We have to fit into our gowns for the Academy Awards next week.
Loretta: That’s right. Oh, if I was going to the Academy Awards, I’d be stress-eating like crazy. And yet look at the two of you. What’s your secret to dealing with stress?
Victoria: I drink.
Joy: I sleep around.
Loretta: I admire your discipline.
Victoria: Would you like to see my gown?
Loretta: Oh, a sneaek peek! How exciting!
Joy: I’ll show you mine too.
Victoria: Oh! What do you think? I decided to go simple yet stunning.
Loretta: Wait. Where have I seen that dress before? Oh, that’s right. Tmz. Someone leaked the gown Charlize Theron is wearing.
Victoria: What? I’m wearing the same dress as Charlize Theron?
Loretta: Oh, don’t worry. It’ll look a lot different on her.
Victoria: Oh, this is a disaster. I’m going to be the lowest score ever on “who wore it better?” I wish I could just know if I won. Otherwise, I I’d rather stay in bed.
Loretta: Oh, like Joan Crawford. She skipped the awards one year because she thought she would lose.
Melanie: Right. I saw that in Mommie Dearest. The networks put cameras by her fake sickbed, you know, to film her in case she won. But actresses were crazy back then.
Victoria: I’ll do it. Oh, thank you, Joan Crawford, for your inspiring example.
Melanie: You don’t hear that very often.
Victoria: Then it’s settled. The academy will have to come to me. We are all going to stay in Cleveland. No one is going to the Oscars.
Joy: Here it is. It cost a fortune. But I’ve always dreamed of going to the Academy Awards ever since I was a little girl, and now that dream is coming true.
Loretta: Here, Joy, have a cookie.

Elka: Excuse me, sir. Did you drop this $20 bill?
Man: “Vote Ostrovsky”?
Elka: Sounds like good advice.
Mamie: Elka, bad news. People are saying Councilman Powell is buying votes for $10 a piece.
Elka: I’m appalled. I’ve been paying $20.
Mamie: It gets worse. He’s holding a big “get out the vote” rally tonight in Port Lee.
Elka: There’s only one bridge between here and Port Lee, right?
Mamie: Yes.
Elka: Sounds like it’s time for some traffic problems on the bridge to Port Lee.

Joy: This was a great idea, Victoria.
Victoria: With elections today and the Oscars tonight, I thought we should all free our minds and meditate on what’s really important.
Elka: Winning.
Victoria: Winning gloriously.
Elka: I’m not worried about tonight.
Mamie: Elka did a terrible thing. She caused a traffic jam on the bridge to Port Lee.
Victoria: How did she do that?
Mamie: She sent a mass email to thousands of seniors saying that’s where they could meet their favorite stars from the weather channel.
Elka: I also told them the bridge toll would be half price if they paid in pennies.
Melanie: You know, this mask smells delicious. Hmm, avocado and honey.
Loretta: And there’s no calories if it’s on your face.
Melanie: Why is it whenever I’m on a diet, all I can think about is food? It’s almost lustful.
Joy: I saw a study that said that 52% of women would choose chocolate over sex.
Mamie: I sure never told a bar of chocolate I was too sleepy.
[Laughter]
Melanie: You know, men say they love curves, but what they’re really saying is, they love boobs. If Sofia Vergara’s breast fat was in her belly, they wouldn’t love her curves so much.
Loretta: Those things are gonna sag.
Joy: Big-time.
Victoria: Any day now.
Melanie: And why do we do that? Judge each other so harshly, grab magazines with pictures of celebrity cellulite. You know what? We women we need to create a judgment-free zone.
Joy: I’m so glad to hear you say that, Melanie, because I’ve been wanting to share my story. Growing up, I was so skinny. I’d eat and eat anything I wanted and never put on an ounce. To this day, I have trouble keeping on weight. Cheese, French fries, chocolate, wine they all fall right off. Oh, it’s so nice to say these things and not be judged.
[everyone flips her off]
Loretta: You know, Melanie, we’ve been good so far, and we got the ankle weights on, so even breathing’s an exercise. We deserve a treat. How about some frozen yogurt, sprinkles, and maybe some gummy bears?
Melanie: No, mom. We’re on a diet.
Loretta: Come on. Gummy bears they’re practically fruit.
Melanie: I am not gonna reward myself with food. You know, you’ve been doing that since I was a kid.
Loretta: Oh, so it’s all my fault. It’s always the mother’s fault.
Melanie: No, it’s not all your fault. I’m just saying you’re not helping me.
Loretta: Well, if I’m not helping you, maybe I should get out of here.
Melanie: Mom, don’t run away from me.
Loretta: Too late. I’m out of here.
Melanie: Yeah, well, not if I catch you.
Joy: Can you believe she ate her face mask?
Melanie: Still in the room.

Victoria: I can’t believe it’s Oscar night. Joy, I’m sorry you couldn’t wear your gown. But the good news is, the white of your uniform is bouncing light into my hair.
Joy: That is good news.
Victoria: Oh, it’s all set. I have my lovely nurse by my side. And George Clooney will be sitting right here in his adorable doggy suit staying put because I put a little bacon grease on my leg. Could you open that window just a skosh so the candles flicker, making my eyes dance? [Buzzing-a bee flies in] Now, if I win and we all know I should, a red light will appear on that camera, which will be a direct feed to the network broadcast. I gaze at my adoring fans and despising peers, make a quick gasp of surprise, like this [Gasps] Bee!

Mamie: How’d it go with your mom?
Melanie: Oh, terrible. She’s on her way to the airport now. You know, I tried to have a reasonable conversation where I calmly explained to her that she was the cause of all my problems, and somehow she took offense. [Sighs] Any election news?
Mamie: It’s neck and neck.
Elka: They’re talking about Port Lee. Turn it up.
Announcer: No one can explain why, but traffic is moving very, very slowly on the bridge to Port Lee.
Elka: They can’t pin it on me.
[Phone rings]
Mamie: Mamie Sue Johnson. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. It’s the Plain Dealer. They’re pinning it on you. They have a copy of the Port Lee email.
Elka: Tell them I have no prior knowledge of this.
Mamie: Elka Ostrovsky had no prior knowledge of this.
Elka: She’s gonna fire the person responsible.
Mamie: She’s going to fire the person responsible.
Elka: Mamie Sue Johnson.
Mamie: Mamie Sue Johnson. That’s me. You Chris Christie’d me!
Elka: It’s just politics.
Mamie: You know, if I am fired, I should go. No need to drive me home. I’ll take the bus you threw me under.

Joy: Most of the swelling is on the inside of your mouth. The rest I made look like a Cindy Crawford beauty mole.
Victoria: Well, with lighting, you can hide anything. Rumor has it, Eva Mendes has a hunchback.
Joy: You started that rumor.
Victoria: And it never caught on the way I’d hoped. Well, we just need to move all the candles to the good side of my face.
Joy: Careful. There’s a lot of chemicals in the air from your hair spray, and it could catch on [gasps]

Melanie: I know. I know. I shouldn’t drink on an empty stomach. But my mom’s not here, so I can do what I want.
Elka: If you’re done talking to your wine glass, I’m trying to hear the TV.
Melanie: Oh, look, I think they’re going to say who won.
Announcer: With 80% of the votes counted, we are calling the hotly contested tenth council district race for Elka Ostrovsky.
Melanie: You won!
Elka: I won?
[Cheering]
Joy: What’s all the screaming about down here?
Melanie: Elka won.
Joy: Oh, congratulations.
Melanie: Hey, what’s all the screaming about up there?
Joy: Oh, Victoria got stung by a bee, and her hair caught on fire, but it’s all going to be fine.
Announcer: We’re told that ex-councilman Powell will be calling Ostrovsky soon to graciously concede.
[Phone rings]
Elka: Hey, Powell. No, you go to hell. No, you go to hell. No, you go to hell!

Joy: The turban totally works. It sells your illness with classic old Hollywood glamour.
Victoria: So I might start a trend?
Joy: Sure. Why not?
Victoria: Well, we have an hour to relax. Check out the live feed. Let’s see what’s going on at the Oscars.
Announcer: The academy awards will be right back with the awards for best sound editing.
Victoria: Total snooze fest. We got time.
Announcer: And best actress in a supporting role.
Victoria: What? Already?
Joy: Oh, my God. You told us your category wasn’t up for another hour.
Victoria: No, well, that’s what they told me. They said it would be on at 5:30. And since there’s a four-hour time difference between actual time and Ohio time-
Joy: It’s a three-hour difference, you cotton-headed actress.
Victoria: Oh, God! I could be on camera any second. I’m nervous. I need wine.
Joy: No. I could be on camera too. I need wine.

Victoria: [Gasps] What the hell am I gonna do? They’re about to announce my category.
Joy: Don’t panic. We’ll just turn your jacket around. Remember when Celine Dion wore that backwards tux to the Oscars?
Victoria: She looked like a mentally challenged caterer.
Joy: Yes, but a gorgeous, sexy, young mentally challenged caterer.
Victoria: I’m listening.

Announcer: I share this award with my assistant sound editor and best friend, Chelsea Myers. I couldn’t have won without you.
Elka: I couldn’t have won without Mamie Sue.
Announcer: And winning wouldn’t be fun without you.
Elka: You’re right, boring sound guy.
Announcer: Most of all, I want to thank my mother. Mom, I’d give anything to have you here with me tonight. This is for you. Hug your moms, everyone.
[Applause]
Melanie: Now boring sound guy is right about me. But I can’t hug my mom because I chased her away. And you know who I blame?
Elka: Yourself?
Melanie: No. Her. And this– this unrealistic idea of what women are supposed to be. I blame her and– and Hollywood and– and society! Everyone but me!
Elka: You should eat something.

Announcer: Ivy Johnson for Night of the Hereafter.
Victoria: Hurry up. Can you still see the wine stains on my sleeves?
Joy: No. It’s okay. I’ll just tie them behind you.
Announcer: And Victoria chase for Cleveland Rhapsody.
Victoria: Oh, God. That’s me. Hurry.
Joy: It’s done. You’re good.
Victoria: I can’t move my arms. Do I look like I’m wearing a straitjacket?
Joy: No. You’re stunning.
Announcer: And the Oscar goes to Helen Mirren.
Victoria: [Bleep]!
Announcer: And Victoria Chase.
Victoria: What?
Announcer: It’s a tie!
[Both scream]
Joy: You won! The red light’s on! We’ve been on TV the whole time.

Melanie: Oh, my God.
Elka: Did Joy get stung by a bee too?
Melanie: That’s her breast. And look at that audience judging them. Well, I’m judging all of you skinny bitches! And I find you guilty!
Victoria: Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Thank you, Academy. Stop it. Stop it, George Clooney. I’m sorry. George Clooney is humping my leg. ‘Cause you see, he’s attracted to my bacon smell. Because he’s a dog. George Clooney is a dog. I’m not crazy! Nurse, show America George Clooney. Uh, yes, I wish I could be there with all of you, but I donated my liver.
Joy: Kidney.
Victoria: Kidney, right. And while I know I look horrible–
Melanie: No, you do not look horrible. Y-you people in Hollywood, you’re the horrible ones.
Victoria: Melanie, what the hell are you doing?
Melanie: I’m taking a stand. Shame on you, Hollywood and all you size zero dresses. This is what normal looks like. And, mom, I’m sorry. I I love you.
Elka: I’m sorry, Mamie Sue. I’m so sorry. I shouldn’t have thrown you under the bus.
Victoria: Music! For the love of God, please, play me off!
[Orchestral fanfare]

Victoria: Oh, thank you, Susan Lucci. It was so nice of you to call me and congratulate me on winning an Oscar. Oh, that’s right. I called you. I can’t believe I won an Oscar.
Joy: What an amazing night. To Victoria and Elka. The only downside was that a billion people saw my boob.
Elka: Oh, stop complaining, Joy. You’re making a mountain out of a molehill.
Mamie: I thought the whole thing was wonderful, especially when you came on and talked about me. But you didn’t have to apologize, Elka.
Elka: Oh, yes, I did, Mamie Sue. You’re my best friend.
Mamie: It was actually kind of exciting to be at the center of a scandal. A few of the bad boys from the senior center friended me.

Melanie: Thanks for coming back, mom.
Loretta: Well, I had to after I heard that acceptance speech at the airport.
Melanie: I’m so embarrassed.
Loretta: [Chuckles] All I heard was, “I love you, mom.” Or at least that’s what I think you said. Everyone around me was laughing so hard.
Melanie: I really am sorry, ’cause I really do appreciate that you flew all the way to Ohio to support me.
Loretta: Well, reading those cruel comments online reminded me of when you had your scoliosis brace in high school and the boys weren’t asking you out and the mean girls were teasing you. Oh, I miss those days.
Melanie: What?
Loretta: I mean, those nights in the kitchen, talking it out while we made brownies. We were so close, and I loved making you feel better.
Melanie: Oh, brownie nights did make me feel better. And deep-fried twinkie nights oh, I felt like I was being hugged by a thousand cream-filled angels.
Loretta: Okay, in hindsight, maybe I did reinforce some bad patterns.
Melanie: Yeah, but maybe I’ve gotten to an age where I have to stop blaming my mom for the things that I do.
Loretta: Oh, sweetie, you’re never too old to blame your mother. I still blame mine. Your grandmother was a piece of work.
Melanie: Yeah, maybe it’s all her fault.
Loretta: I can live with that.

Joy: Oh, hey, you two, I know you’re dieting, but would you like some cake and champagne?
Melanie: Absolutely.
Loretta: It’s a well-known rule there are no calories in celebration food.
Victoria: Whose rule is that?
Both: It’s a rule.

Hot in Cleveland S05, Ep21 – Mystery Date: Oscar Edition

Season: 5
Episode: 21
Title: Mystery Date: Oscar Edition
Original Air Date: August 20, 2014


Guest Stars:
Perez Hilton: Teddy
Andrew Friedman: Dr. Rayner
Justin O’Connor: Janitor


Synopsis: Victoria is excited about the upcoming Oscar Awards. She asks Elka to write her speech for her. The doorbell rings and Victoria is delivered an original Ladypants dress for the Oscars. She is horrified. The letter states that if the dress is seen in public prior to the Oscars she won’t be able to wear it. She gets Melanie to wear it to her radio awards show. While there a water main breaks and she volunteers to assist with the dress. However, it’s blown off her and she’s naked underneath. The Oscar’s guest situation becomes problematic as Victoria is only allowed to bring one guest and both Joy and Melanie want to go. They start competing against each other with extravagant gifts. Then they volunteer to take her community service. Joy winds up cleaning port a potties for 50 hours and Melanie working in the morgue for 50 hours. They both volunteer to be guinea pigs for this new facial filler Victoria wants to get. It gives Joy an Adam’s apple. The fighting gets worse and finally Elka winds up getting the invitation.


Click on either link to grab the fifth season of the show, it’s a great way to support the ladies and have some serious laughs.

Amazon Hot in Cleveland: Season Five

iTunes Hot in Cleveland, Season 5 – Hot in Cleveland


Favorite Quotes:

* Melanie: Oh, I wouldn’t call myself a writer.
Victoria: Neither would I. That’s why I want Elka to do it. She has more sizzle now that that play she wrote is going to Broadway.
Melanie: The Broadway theater in Cleveland, not New York.
Elka: And where is your play being performed? Oh, that’s right you don’t have a play.

* Victoria: What do you mean “no”? You’re funny. You can write a joke.
Elka: I’m funny. Yes.
Victoria: Wait, are you saying that I’m not funny?
Elka: It’s been said.

* Joy: That bloody cheek injection migrated. It gave me an Adam’s apple. I look like a man!
Elka: On the bright side, it goes with the hands and the chest.

* Joy: I disfigured myself for you, Victoria. This had better count for something.
Victoria: Oh, absolutely. No, you definitely are way ahead of Melanie right now.
Melanie: Wait, wait, why? I got the same treatment.
Joy: I have an Adam’s apple!

* Elka: You look like an angel. Wearing a diaper.

* Melanie: You’re the liar! If you take her to that party, she’s gonna embarrass you by asking Elton if she looks like Kate Beckinsale.
Joy: I do look like Kate Beckinsale!
Melanie: Right now you look like Nate Beckinsale.


Transcript:

Victoria: All right, people. The Academy Awards are three weeks away, and we need to mobilize. Now first, I need a killer speech. One that will make my fellow nominees hate me even more, because I come off so gracious. Now, luckily, we have a writer in our midst.
Melanie: Oh, I wouldn’t call myself a writer.
Victoria: Neither would I. That’s why I want Elka to do it. She has more sizzle now that that play she wrote is going to Broadway.
Melanie: The Broadway theater in Cleveland, not New York.
Elka: And where is your play being performed? Oh, that’s right you don’t have a play.
Victoria: Next, Joy and Melanie, I need to decide who will be my plus-one for the Academy Awards.
Melanie: Oh, I hadn’t even thought about who you would take.
Joy: Neither had I.
Melanie: But of course you are gonna need someone to sit in the limo and drink champagne with you on the way to the show.
Joy: And afterwards the Governor’s Ball, the Vanity Fair party, et cetera, et cetera.
Melanie: And if you do choose a woman as your plus-one, she’s gonna need a gown.
Joy: Yes, a gown! She’ll need a gown.
Victoria: Well, I would like to take both of you–
[both] Oh, my God, we’re going to the Oscars! I know, I’m so excited!
Victoria: But I can’t. I can only take one of you.
Melanie: Oh, well, you know, whomever you choose, I’ll be happy.
Joy: I feel the same way.
Melanie: And of course, if there’s anything that I can do for you in the meantime, you just ask me.
Joy: And of course, I will do anything you need as well too.
Melanie: And if you do happen to choose Joy, you know, I’m gonna just be so happy for her.
Joy: And I’ll be so happy for Melanie if you choose her.
Victoria: Why are you smiling?
Elka: This is gonna be fun.

Victoria: So I’ve had some thoughts about my speech. I’d like to open with a joke.
Elka: No.
Victoria: What do you mean “no”? You’re funny. You can write a joke.
Elka: I’m funny. Yes.
Victoria: Wait, are you saying that I’m not funny?
Elka: It’s been said.
Melanie: Hi. For you.
Victoria: A gift?
Melanie: Mm-hmm.
Victoria: Oh, thank you. Van Cleef wait, wait. You drove all the way to Chicago for this?
Melanie: Oh, it’s not that far for a best friend.
Victoria: [gasps] Oh, my god. Joy, look at this gorgeous necklace Melanie just gave me.
Melanie: Oh, it’s nothing, really. I mean, yes, I had drive all the way to Chicago for it, but it’s no big deal.
Joy: Chicago, gosh. I bought Victoria this, but I only drove to New York.
Melanie: New York is further away.
Joy: Is it? Time flies when you’re buying breakfast caviar for your best friend.
Victoria: [gasps] Caviar is my favorite.
Joy: Your favorite from your favorite.
Melanie: You did a very nice thing.
Joy: Now, we both did nice things. It’s not a competition.
Melanie: No, no, it’s not. It’s just two equally good best friends doing nice things for Victoria.
Victoria: Oh, no.
Melanie: What? What is it?
Victoria: You know that Victoria Chase stretch of highway I sponsored? Well, apparently you’re supposed to pay to clean it, not just adopt it and leave it to its own devices, as you would a child.
Melanie: You know, you would make a great adoptive mother, Victoria.
Joy: Yes, your heart is as big as your dress size is small.
Melanie: Damn it! That was a good one.
Victoria: Oh, I’ve got 50 hours community service.
Joy: I’ll do it for you, Victoria.
Victoria: Are you sure? Oh, Joy, you’re amazing. What? What? And I got 50 more hours for not responding to the first violation.
Melanie: I’ll do it for you.
Victoria: I can’t believe you would both do this for me. I have the best friends.
Joy: Mm. We’re happy to help. I mean, how many times is someone nominated for an Oscar?
Melanie: Many times, probably, if that someone is Victoria Chase.
Victoria: [laughs]
Joy: Wait, I can top that. Um Um.
Elka: Hit the showers, Joy. That round went to Melanie.

Melanie: [groans] I just got off the phone with the community service people. I have to spend 50 hours cleaning port-a-potties in the park. And this week is Cleveland’s Chili Fest.
Elka: You should trade jobs with Joy.
Melanie: She won’t wanna clean toilets.
Elka: Sell her on the park.
Joy: I got the worst community service ever. They’ve got me working in the hospital morgue.
Elka: Why not trade jobs with Melanie?
Joy: I could never convince her to work in the morgue.
Elka: Sell her on the hospital.
Melanie: Hi, Joy. So did you get your community service?
Joy: I did. I’m working in a hospital.
Melanie: Really? Working with patients?
Joy: Mostly former patients. How about you?
Melanie: Oh, I’m working in the park. You know, just tidying up.
Joy: Oh, lucky you. I’ll be stuck with all these doctors flirting with me all day, and they’ll all be so young.
Melanie: Oh, yeah. You know, knowing my luck, I’ll probably be invited to play frisbee with a bunch of college boys and totally embarrass myself.
Joy: You know, I wouldn’t mind being outdoors. Rather like getting my hands dirty.
Melanie: And I don’t mind a hospital. Maybe we should switch.
Elka: I could see that working.

Joy: Hello, Melanie. I hate you!
Melanie: I hate you more.
Joy: You’re going down, Moretti.
Melanie: Ha! Over my dead body. [whispering] No offense.

Victoria: I hope Joy and Melanie are having as good a time as we are.
Elka: [laughs] One’s in a toilet, and one’s in a morgue. More caviar?
Victoria: Oh, please. So how is my speech coming along?
Elka: I’m working on it right now.
Victoria: You’re just drinking wine.
Elka: Oh, it just looks that way. I’m actually writing. Time for a rewrite.

Victoria: Dr. Rayner, thanks again for coming to my home for this procedure. Since this facial filler is so new, I’m just a little nervous about injecting myself this close to the Oscars.
Doctor: I understand. So what parts of your face are we targeting?
Victoria: Oh, let me show you on my guinea pig. Now, she doesn’t have my naturally high cheekbones, and I don’t have the drooping here or the sagging here.
Doctor: Well, I could plump here, add some filler above the cheekbones here and maybe here, and then pull–
Victoria: You know what? Surprise me. Just go nuts.
Joy: Go nuts?
Victoria: And do something about those lines when she’s scared.

Joy: How long do I have to keep this on?
Victoria: You heard what he said, until it sets. You look great already.
Joy: I’ll tell you what I look like. I look like the one friend who would have done this for you. I don’t know who else would.
Melanie: Victoria, guess what I did for you.
Joy: How could you?
Melanie: How could you?!
Victoria: Now, now, no fighting. You both just did something wonderful and important. Give each other a hug.

Victoria: This is a great draft, but I have a couple of questions. Who is this Tony you have me thanking?
Elka: Your third child.
Victoria: Oh. Good catch. You know, those injections that doctor gave to Joy and Melanie really turned out nicely. I’m gonna have it done myself. Hello, this is Victoria Chase.
Joy: [screams] Oh, my god! I look like a freak!
Victoria: I I’ll call you back.
Joy: That bloody cheek injection migrated. It gave me an Adam’s apple. I look like a man!
Elka: On the bright side, it goes with the hands and the chest.
Victoria: Well, Joy, the doctor warned us that something like this could happen.
Joy: He never said this would happen!
Victoria: Oh. Maybe he said that only to me.
Joy: I disfigured myself for you, Victoria. This had better count for something.
Victoria: Oh, absolutely. No, you definitely are way ahead of Melanie right now.
Melanie: Wait, wait, why? I got the same treatment.
Joy: I have an Adam’s apple!
Melanie: And how is that a plus? What will people think when on the red carpet your date looks like John Stamos in drag?
Elka: That was a compliment, Joy.
Victoria: Melanie, I’m sorry, but Joy made a real sacrifice for me.
Melanie: Well, I can do that too. Just give me a task. [doorbell rings] I’ll get that for you. Hi. It’s for you. [door closes]
Joy: What is it?
Victoria: Oh, no. It’s from the Ladypants people. “Dear international face of incontinence say ‘hi’ to enclosed absorbent gown that you are legally obligated to wear to the Oscar Academies.” This can’t be happening.
Joy: I thought your lawyers were gonna make that go away, so you could wear the Dior gown.
Victoria: So did I. “Despite best good efforts from your legal team, our contract, like our garment, is watertight. Here is your Mrs. Ladypants gown, now with litter crystal technology.” Oh, god.
[loud crinkling]
Joy: It’s not so bad. With your figure, you can make anything look beautiful.
Melanie: And you look amazing in white.
Elka: You look like an angel. Wearing a diaper.
Victoria: Oh, I’m ruined. Wait, there’s a P.S. “Do not spoil surprise of gown. If it is seen in press before Oscar Academies, we will not allow you to wear it.” This is fantastic. I mean, all I have to do is get someone photographed in public wearing this monstrosity.
Melanie: Well, you’re smart, Victoria. You’ll think of someone.

Melanie: Hi. Melanie Moretti. Ask Melanie at WJVB. I’m so happy to be here at the Cleveland Radio Awards. Who am I wearing? Mrs. Ladypants. Yes, that’s what I said. Mrs. Ladypants.
Man: Oh, my God, the water main just blew! We need something to suck up this water.
Melanie: I have something.

Victoria: Hey, here’s the hero.
Melanie: Yes, I used the Ladypants dress to plug the giant leak. The force of the water tore the dress right off my body. Remember when you said, because it had a built-in pant, that I didn’t need to wear underwear? I really wish I had.
Victoria: Well, at least millions of people saw it on youtube.
Melanie: Somebody posted it on youtube?!
Victoria: Well, I had to, and it worked.
Melanie: Oh.
Victoria: And the Ladypants lawyers said that I no longer get to wear that gown.
Melanie: So what I hear you saying is that I made the biggest sacrifice for you.
Joy: You? I have an Adam’s apple.
Melanie: I touched dead bodies.
Joy: I cleaned port-a-potties.
Melanie: Chicago.
Joy: New York!
Melanie: Van Cleef!
Joy: Petrossian!
Victoria: Oh! Stop it, both of you. I have less than two hours to choose my plus-one for the Academy Awards, and all you’re doing is stressing me out. I’m going to the spa. I’m gonna sit in the sauna and gonna clear my head.
Melanie: That’s a great idea, Victoria, just you and your thoughts. Your amazing thoughts!
Joy: Yes, take all the time you need, my dear, dear friend!
Melanie: I think I may just go for a walk.
Joy: And I may go check the mail. Victoria, wait for me!
Melanie: Wait for me!

Victoria: It was nice of Joy to volunteer to park my car.
Melanie: It really was. You bring out the best in even the worst people. Why don’t you just go relax in the sauna, and I’ll sign in for all three of us?
Victoria: Oh, that’s sweet of you. Thank you.
Melanie: Mm-hmm.
Attendant: Oh, my god. Was that Victoria Chase?
Melanie: Yes, it was. And she desperately needs your help. See, there’s this crazy transvestite stalker following her. And if he shows up here, it is imperative that you call security. You can’t miss him. Crazy short shorts and a huge Adam’s apple.

Victoria: I wonder what’s keeping Joy.
Melanie: Oh, she probably got a text from Mitch. You know, whenever he calls or texts, she just drops everything.
Victoria: Hm.
Melanie: Imagine if he texted her at the Oscars. You’d be all alone on the red carpet. No one to yell, “Oh, my God! Victoria Chase and Jennifer Lawrence look just like sisters!”
Victoria: Well, somebody else will probably say it.

Joy: I am not a transvestite! Or a stalker! I am a woman!
Attendant: With that Adam’s apple? Look, buddy, security’s on its way. So if you don’t wanna get arrested, I suggest you leave. Now. Also here’s my number.
Joy: [grunts]

Victoria: All right, I’m gonna call the Oscar people right now and tell them you’re my plus-one.
Joy: Not so fast.
Melanie: How did you get in?
Joy: I had to prove to the receptionist that I’m a woman.
Melanie: You took off your top?
Joy: That didn’t work. I hate to burden you with this, but as your best friend, I need to tell you that your friend Melanie is mean and deceitful.
Melanie: First of all, I’m Victoria’s best friend. And if anyone’s being deceitful, it’s Joy.
Victoria: Ladies, ladies, I can’t fault you for fighting over me, but you have to remember that you’re both my best friends.
Melanie: No, but you have to have a best best friend. And isn’t that the person that’s always been there for you?
Joy: Oh, you mean like how I poisoned Susan Lucci for her?
Melanie: I seduced a cannibal for her.
Joy: Oh, please! I seduced countless men for Victoria. In fact, I’m so devoted, I married Victoria.
Melanie: You also divorced her. As I recall, it was a mean and contentious divorce.
Joy: It was not! How dare you insult our beautiful union?
Melanie: Oh, please. I mean, I can’t even count how many times I have humiliated myself, broken the law and my own standards of decency just to do things for Victoria.
Joy: Well, take your number and double it. And remember, my standards are lower than yours. Wait a minute. You and I have risked our personal relationships, lives, and self-worth for Victoria. And now we’re fighting against each other for Victoria?
Melanie: We should be banding together against her.
Victoria: Ooh, I do not like the way this is going.
Melanie: Neither do we. Come on, Joy. Let’s go.
Joy: Good-bye, Victoria.
[text alert beeps]
Victoria: Oh, my God. I just got invited to the Elton John Oscar party. Plus one.
Melanie: Oh, please take me! I’m his biggest fan!
Joy: No, take me. I’m your biggest fan.
Melanie: [gasps]
Victoria: No, but you just said–
Joy: I was just trying to draw Melanie out, so she’d reveal her true feelings about you.
Melanie: That’s what I was doing!
Joy: Liar!
Melanie: You’re the liar! If you take her to that party, she’s gonna embarrass you by asking Elton if she looks like Kate Beckinsale.
Joy: I do look like Kate Beckinsale!
Melanie: Right now you look like Nate Beckinsale.
Joy: You take that back.
Melanie: Make me, dude.
[overlapping shouting]

Victoria: I owe you both an apology. I should never have had you compete for that Oscar ticket. And so I decided that the fairest thing to do is to put both your names in a hat and just choose my plus-one blindly. But first I want to read to you my Oscar acceptance speech that Elka wrote.
Elka: As written, please. Let the words do the work.
Victoria: Writers. [chuckles]
Elka: Actors.
Victoria: “Thank you for this incredible honor. Thank you to the Academy, to our brilliant producers Todd Milliner, Josh and Joel Mandel” No, no. This is not what I want to say. I need to speak from the heart. Here’s the speech that I’d really rather give. I want to thank my two best friends. Yes, two. For 30 years, we have had each other’s backs. We have shared each other’s triumphs and heartbreaks, made the hard times good times and the good times great times. Melanie Moretti and Joy Scroggs, I share this award with you as I share my life with you.
Melanie: Oh, Victoria. That is so–
Joy: Lovely and kind. And we feel the exact same way about you.
Victoria: Oh, guys, I’m so sorry. [sobbing]
Melanie: Why did we ever fight about this?
Joy: I know. What were we thinking?
Melanie: We would never ask you to choose between the two of us. [sighs] So why don’t you take Elka to the Oscars?
Elka: Me? Go to the Oscars? It’s always been a dream.
Victoria: Well, then it’s settled. Elka, you are my plus-one.
Joy: Come on, Melanie. Help me open a celebratory bottle of wine. We’ll toast to Elka.
Melanie: Hey, do we still have that great bottle of Bordeaux I bought?
Elka: Oh, sorry, I finished it up for breakfast.
Melanie: That was a $1,000 bottle of wine.
Elka: It really brought out the subtle flavors of my eggo.
Victoria: Wow. Your plan worked perfectly. They totally fell for the fake speech.
Elka: I told you they would.
Victoria: Oh. And I didn’t have the heart to choose between them. And I meant every word I said.
Elka: But you’re not gonna give that speech, are you?
Victoria: Well, why not?
Elka: No one wants to hear about your non-celebrity friends. I know them, and I don’t care.
Melanie: Elka, can you believe you’re going to the Academy Awards?
[doorbell rings]
Joy: What are you gonna wear?
Elka: Oh. It’s all so sudden. I hadn’t given it a thought.
Joy: Wow, Victoria. Is that your Oscar gown?
Melanie: Looks a little short for Victoria.
Elka: Maybe I’ll wear that.

Hot in Cleveland S05, Ep20 – The Italian Job

Season: 5
Episode: 20
Title: The Italian Job
Original Air Date: August 13, 2014


Guest Stars:
Will Sasso: Frankie
Dan Lauria: J.J.
Anita Barone: Lisa
Andrew Leeds: Tom
Nicole Parker: Jessica
Gabriel Tigerman: James
Robert Merrill: Ken
Jet Jurgensmeyer: Anthony


Synopsis: At the house they are screen testing actors to play J.J. in the movie. J.J. becomes jealous. He invites Victoria to meet his kids. Meanwhile, Melanie is meeting her station manager at the bar. His news is not so good. She is now a duo in the afternoons with Frankie, and she doesn’t like him. Joy and Elka are waiting to get the grades for their final exam. They are extremely nervous as if they don’t pass they don’t graduate. Victoria goes to J.J.’s house to meet his kids and its a disaster. She accidentally sits in the mothers chair. Frankie and Melanie do their first show. She goes off on him and gets him in trouble with his girlfriend. He then shows up at the house and takes over the guest room. Joy and Elka find out they did not pass their test and are upset. Frankie gives them some advice and they are able to do a retest. He also solves Victoria’s problem. Melanie is not happy. J.J. and his kids are all at the house (as per Frankie its neutral) but Victoria comes in the front door still in her screen test getup looking exactly like their mother. All freak out. After dinner Victoria and J.J. end their relationship and he puts the movie on hold. Elka and Joy get their new test scores. They passed, they are now college graduates.


Click on either link to grab the fifth season of the show, it’s a great way to support the ladies and have some serious laughs.

Amazon Hot in Cleveland: Season Five

iTunes Hot in Cleveland, Season 5 – Hot in Cleveland


Favorite Quotes:

* Victoria: Why are you smiling, Elka?
Joy: She’s finding it very amusing that I think I failed my orals.
Elka: I would have said she choked on her orals.

* Melanie: Well, if Joy does fail her orals, that would be hard to swallow.
Victoria: You know, you’re the last person I would expect to blow her orals.
Joy: I shouldn’t have waited until the last minute to study.
Elka: I guess you bit off more than you could chew.

* Melanie: Go to your room, Frankie. My friends have problems, and they need my advice.
Elka: Actually, we’re good.
Joy: Frankie solved our problems.

* Joy: Oh, my god, we both passed! I’m going to get a college degree! Owen and Wilbur will be so proud of me.


Transcript:

Victoria: We’re finally alone. I have been wanting this for so long.
Ken: You’re amazing.
J.J.: Cut! So, Ken, what’s with all the kissing?
Ken: It’s in your script.
J.J.: Yeah? Well, now it’s out. There is absolutely no reason why they should be kissing.
Victoria: It’s the honeymoon scene.
J.J.: Yeah, well, loverboy here is all wrong for the part.
Victoria: J.J., that’s not how you audition people. You say how wonderful they are and wait until they leave before you talk about how bad they were. This is all new to him.
Ken: I’m going to go.
Victoria: Thanks. You were wonderful. What a lox.
J.J.: Sorry. I just get so jealous.
Victoria: Well, you shouldn’t be. I’m crazy about you. But you’re going to have to get used to it. I’m an actress. I’ve done love scenes with everyone From Greg Kinnear to Jean-Claude Van Damme.
J.J.: Well, I’m going to ask you to do something you didn’t do With Jean-Claude Van Damme.
Victoria: Well, that’s not going to be easy.
J.J.: I know I said I wanted us to take it slow, but I think I’m ready to go to the next level. I want you to meet my children.
Victoria: Oh, I would love that! You’ve talked about them so much, I feel I know them already. Two kids, right?
J.J.: Three. Just like you, so it’s easy to remember.
Victoria: You’d think.

Victoria: I have a major announcement to make. J.J. wants me to meet his children.
Melanie: Oh, that’s wonderful.
Victoria: This is a big step. I’m the first women he’s dated since their mother died.
Melanie: Oh, well, my advice is to acknowledge the elephant in the room.
Victoria: His daughter is a little chubby.
Melanie: No, I was talking about his wife. She just died a year ago. I’m sure it’s still pretty raw for them.
Victoria: You’re right. What should I do?
Melanie: Um, let ’em know how much you admire her and what an honor it is to portray her in J.J.’s film.
Victoria: That is good advice, Melanie.
Melanie: Well, I am a professional advice giver. As a matter of fact, my station manager wants to meet with me later to go over some new ideas for the radio show. I think I’ll order french fries to let him know I’m fun.
Victoria: You just want to order french fries, don’t you?
Melanie: To let him know I’m fun.
Elka: Hi.
Melanie: Hey, how did the exams go?
Joy: We’re not sure. But if we don’t pass, we don’t graduate.
Victoria: Why are you smiling, Elka?
Joy: She’s finding it very amusing that I think I failed my orals.
Elka: I would have said she choked on her orals.
Joy: It’s been like this for the past hour.
Melanie: Well, if Joy does fail her orals, that would be hard to swallow.
Victoria: You know, you’re the last person I would expect to blow her orals.
Joy: I shouldn’t have waited until the last minute to study.
Elka: I guess you bit off more than you could chew.

Frankie: I’ll have a beer, please. Hey. How are the fries here?
Melanie: I don’t know. I don’t eat fries. I just ordered them, so my boss would think I’m fun.
Frankie: Yeah, you sound fun. Oh, you got to be kidding me! Oh, my grandma could’ve hit that! Idiot just cost me $1,000 bucks!
Melanie: I don’t know why guys get so worked up at these games. I mean they’re going to play each other again at some point.
Frankie: Ah. You see, this is why I watch sports in strip clubs. I mean, obviously none of the women there are as much fun as you, but at least they talk less.
Melanie: Strip clubs are just depressing.
Frankie: Really? Have you ever been in one?
Melanie: Well, you know, not technic no.
Frankie: I go five nights a week. The only thing that depresses me is that they don’t serve breakfast.
Melanie: Oh, could you sit someplace else? My station manager is here. I’m on the radio.
Tom: Hi, Melanie.
Melanie: Hi, Tom. How are you?
Tom: Oh, I’m great. I see you two have met.
Melanie: What? You you know him?
Tom: Melanie, this is Frankie. I just lured him away from Chicago’s CWSR.
Frankie: I’m on the radio.
Tom: Frankie hosted a popular morning show called man town.
Melanie: Oh, god. Is that the show where the women go on and paint their breasts? That’s degrading.
Frankie: Whoa, okay, whoa. Hold on a second. Now, they don’t paint their breasts. They paint with their breasts. And it wasn’t degrading. It was art.
Melanie: Unbelievable.
Frankie: Excuse me. It was more interesting than your show. I mean, jeez, if I wanted to listen to a yappy Italian woman give boring advice all day, I’d call any of my sisters.
Melanie: Are you listening to this?
Tom: Oh, I think all of Cleveland is going to want to listen to this. I was hoping this would happen. It’s the classic battle of the sexes in one explosive afternoon show.
Melanie: Wait, wait. Are you saying you want want me to co-host a show with him?

Joy: I’m so nervous. They said they’d post the grades at 3:00 P.M. Finishing college was my dream.
Elka: If it makes you feel any better, I know I passed.
Joy: How is that supposed to make me feel better?
Elka: I said “if.”
Joy: How could you be so confident?
Elka: I know my subject. I even corrected the textbook answer.
Joy: Oh, my God, it’s the results. We both failed.
Elka: What? Oh, no. I’m going to lose my lacrosse scholarship. Oh, coach is going to kill me.
Joy: What? You’re 92.
Elka: I’m goalie. I hardly move.

J.J.: This is Jessica, James, and Lisa.
Lisa: It’s so nice to meet you. My dad talks about you all the time, And it’s so good to finally see a smile on his face again.
Jessica: And it’s exciting to have a celebrity in our house.
James: Yeah, we’re all big fans of yours. And your late husband, Emmet Lawson.
Victoria: Oh, thank you. You know, this portrait of your mother is beautiful. It’s such an honor to play her. You know, I think my favorite line in your dad’s movie is, “my children they are my light, my breath, my everything.”
James: She used to say that all the time. I’m so sorry.
Victoria: I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to upset him.
Lisa: No, it’s okay. He’s a little emotional.
J.J.: He’ll be back. Let’s have a seat.
[gasps]
Lisa: I’m sorry. Will you excuse me?
Victoria: Um, is everything all right?
J.J.: I should have said something. That was Connie’s chair. We still set a plate for her. No one’s sat in it since
Jessica: Since mom died. I’m so sorry.
J.J.: They like you.

Melanie: Hi, I’m Melanie Moretti.
Frankie: And I’m Frankie Ferullo.
Melanie: Welcome to our new segment, “he said, she said.”
Frankie: Yeah, more like “he said, she bitched and moaned.”
Melanie: Wow. That is incredibly rude.
Frankie: Yeah, there’s the bitching and moaning.
Melanie: Okay, we have Penny on line one. She and her fella have been together three years, and she has a question.
Frankie: Yeah, she wants to know if he’s going to propose. The answer is “no.” next caller.
Melanie: Let’s hear from Penny what her question is. Penny?
Penny: That was it.
Frankie: Next caller.
Melanie: Wait a minute. Okay, Penny, I have an idea. Instead of waiting another three years for him to propose, why don’t you propose yourself?
Frankie: No. No, no, no. Look, there’s only one reason that a man wants a woman to get down on her knees, and it ain’t so she can propose. All right, look, sweet pea, what kind of sled are you pulling? What are your stats? Well, I’m 28, 5’5, 130 pounds.
Frankie: Okay, so you’re 38, 5’3, 170 pounds.
Melanie: It’s radio. Why would she lie?
Penny: He’s right.
Frankie: All right. Pumpkin, here’s your only hope. You gotta start doing some weird stuff in the sack, you see? You take his lust. You mix it with his shame to form a cement that’ll bond the two of you together in a–
Melanie: Stop! Penny, who would you rather listen to? A woman who’s actually had relationships or someone who goes to strip clubs five times a week?
Frankie: Oh, whoa. Look at that. It’s already time for our first break. We’ll be right back after we pay some bills. You’re talking about me going to strip clubs? Come on, my girlfriend is listening!
Melanie: You have a You have a girlfriend?
Frankie: Yes. I mean, I did.
Melanie: I’m sorry. Maybe this is a good opportunity for you. You could tell her that the strip clubs are your way of avoiding the intimacy that you would actually like.
Frankie: Wow. You know, that is exactly the sort of crap that women always buy. It might just be stupid enough to work.
Melanie: Thank you.

Frankie: Your advice wasn’t stupid enough to work. It was just stupid. Which way to your guest room?
Melanie: Wait, what? No.
Frankie: FYI, I sleep in the nude.
Elka: FYI, I live in the back.

Frankie: I I would’ve got a hotel, but I kind of maxed out my credit cards. So staying here really means a lot to me. Hey, Melanie, I don’t like down pillows!
Melanie: Shut up! You get what you get!
Frankie: So she the reason you guys look so sour?
Elka: Oh, Joy always looks that way.
Joy: We’re students at Cleveland state, And we flunked our finals. And our professor won’t give us a retest.
Frankie: Oh. Did you try seducing him?
Joy: Eh, I implied certain things, but it didn’t work.
Elka: Same.
Frankie: All right, plan B. Tell him that his classroom promoted unbalanced gender issues. He’ll beg you not to report that to the screeching feminists on the faculty board.
Joy: Well, that’s just chauvinistic. But it might work.
Frankie: It’s the least I can do for letting me stay with you. [yelling] I don’t like tiny soaps either!
Melanie: Shut up! Just shut up!
Frankie: You know, she’s just like my sisters. I come from a big Italian family.
Victoria: My boyfriend is Italian. He’s a widower, and I just met his children for the first time today. They all cried.
Frankie: Ah, it could have been worse. You could’ve sat in her chair. You sat in her chair.
Victoria: But I didn’t know it was her chair.
Frankie: Look, to them, she’s still in that chair. When Italian women die, they they don’t leave. They stick around and haunt their husbands forever. To keep ’em from being happy. Just like they did when they were alive.
Victoria: So what do I do?
Frankie: Invite them over here, where there’s no memory of his late wife. I’ll cook.
Victoria: Oh, that is so nice of you.
Joy: It worked! We’re getting the retest.
Elka: Well, how’s that going to help me?
Joy: Elka disagrees with something in the professor’s textbook, and Melanie’s advice was that teachers like to be challenged.
Frankie: Oh, no. No, no, no. Guys don’t want to be challenged. Just tell the professor whatever he wants to hear. Men just want to eat, drink, have sex, and not have their balls busted. Oh, speaking of, hey, Melanie.
Melanie: Go to your room, Frankie. My friends have problems, and they need my advice.
Elka: Actually, we’re good.
Joy: Frankie solved our problems.
Victoria: Yeah, it’s kind of nice getting the male perspective on things.
Melanie: Really? But you always come to me for advice. I’m the problem solver.
Frankie: Oh. You know what? Let’s forget that I just solved everybody’s problems in under three minutes, and let’s hear what Melanie has to say.
Melanie: How long are you going to be here?
Frankie: A while. My girlfriend gave me a look like she was gonna stab me with an ice pick. Oh, there’s the look.

Joy: So nice to meet all of you.
Small child: Thank you.
Joy: I wonder what’s keeping Victoria.
J.J.: She’s doing a hair and makeup test for my movie. You know, Anthony, Joy and Elka are students at Cleveland state, just like grandpa. You two get your final exam grades back yet?
Joy: No. They’ll be posted online tonight. We’re actually quite nervous.
Lisa: I think it’s so inspiring, Going back to school at your age.
Elka: Say thank you, Joy.
Frankie: Everybody, I made antipasti.
Melanie: We made antipasti, and it’s delicious. We have mozzarella.
Frankie: Mozzarell.
Melanie: Prosciutto.
Frankie: Prozhute.
Melanie: Cappicola.
Frankie: Gaba-gool.
Melanie: Would you stop? I’m sorry. Hi, I’m Melanie.
Frankie: And I’m Frankie. You must be J.J. Victoria let me read your script. I thought it was beautiful.
J.J.: Thank you.
Frankie: You know, from what your father wrote, Your mother must have been one hell of a broad.
Jessica: Oh, she was. Hey, you want to see a picture of her?
Frankie: Oh, sure. Oh, no offense, J.J., But your wife had a great rack.
Melanie: Frankie!
J.J.: No, he’s right. She was pretty, wasn’t she?
Lisa: Yeah. She was the most perfect mom anyone could ever. Hey, hey, none of that.
Joy: Maybe I should open another bottle of wine.
J.J.: No, let me do that for you, Joy.
Lisa: You know what? Dad’s right. We all agreed to keep our emotions in check tonight. I mean, yes, we love mom, but she is no longer with us.
[Victoria walks in the door in custome as the dead mother/wife]
Small child: Mommy, Nana woke up!
Victoria: I am so sorry. I’m just dressed like this for the movie. I meant to get home with plenty of time to change, but I’ll just go do that now.
Lisa: No, no, wait, wait. It’s just this might sound a little strange, but you look so much like my mother, and it just feels like she’s here. And there’s so much I want to say to you her Mom. Would it be too weird if I told you?
Victoria: It might be.
Lisa: I got that promotion, mom.
Victoria: Oh, congratulations Lisa?
Lisa: Yeah.
Frankie: Is it just me, or is this heading into a weird area?
Elka: Heading into?
Joy: You know, Victoria is so excited to play your mother in the movie, but how about she goes and changes so that we can all have dinner together?
Melanie: Yes, I made a delicious puttanesca puttanesc.
Frankie: That’s not a thing.
Melanie: You’re not a thing.

[J.J. walks in sees Victoria dressed as Connie and drops the wine bottle]
J.J.: Connie?
Victoria: J.J., it’s me, Victoria.
J.J.: Right. of course. Sorry, everybody. I’ll get something to clean that up.

Victoria: J.J., are you all right?
J.J.: Sorry, Victoria. For a moment, I thought it was her.
Victoria: And I saw the look in your eyes When you thought I was her. You’re still in love with her, aren’t you?
J.J.: I am.
Victoria: Well I’ll just go up and change, and and then we’ll talk.
J.J.: Yeah.

[phone rings]
Joy: Oh, my god, we both passed! I’m going to get a college degree! Owen and Wilbur will be so proud of me.
Elka: Oh, I’ve gotta text coach.

J.J.: Thought I was ready, Victoria.
Victoria: Yeah, I know.
J.J.: This grief thing doesn’t come with a playbook.
Victoria: I understand. I don’t think I’m completely over Emmet either. So is this good-bye?
J.J.: I don’t want it to be. You, the movie I think I just need to put everything on hold for a beat. How about not yet?
Victoria: Okay, not yet. They say it takes half the time you were married to get over it.
J.J.: Wow. 16 years.
Victoria: Three hours. And, believe it or not, that wasn’t my shortest marriage. We’ve lived very different lives.
J.J.: Well, I like our differences. I’m going to miss you. Eat a slice of pizza every now and then. And no knife and fork you just fold it and in.
Victoria: Okay, I will. And the next time you go to the drugstore and see a six-pack of tube socks on sale, just keep walking.
J.J.: Deal. Well, I better get going.
Victoria: No. I don’t want to be the one sitting here watching you walk away.
J.J.: Well, I don’t wanna watch you walk away either because it’ll remind me of how much I like watching you walk away.
Victoria: Okay, so we’ll do it together. Oh, J.J. On three. One, two, three.
J.J.: Don’t get too Hollywood.
Victoria: Don’t stay too Cleveland.

Victoria: Well, J. J. And I broke up.
Joy: I’m sorry.
Melanie: Me too.
Frankie: Don’t worry. I saw the way he looked at you. He’ll be back.
Melanie: Oh, that’s sweet, Frankie.
Frankie: Well, um, It’s been really good for me being around you guys. Actually, you’ve inspired me to go home and make things right with the girlfriend.
Melanie: So you’re going to tell her that you’re not going to go to strip clubs anymore?
Frankie: Damn straight.
Melanie: And you’re actually not going to go to strip clubs anymore?
Frankie: Ooh, yeah, that’s going to be a problem. But all kidding aside, Melanie, You’re a fantastic Italian girl. You’re too good to be alone.
Melanie: Thank you.
Frankie: I mean, you’re going to need a swiffer to clean out the cobwebs down there, but it’ll happen someday.
Melanie: Love you too, Frankie.
Frankie: All right, well, enough of this. Who wants some pizza?
Victoria: I would love a slice of pizza.
Joy: I’ll go and get you a knife and fork.
Victoria: No, no, no. That’s not how you eat pizza. This is how you eat pizza.
Elka: This has been fun, but I’ve got a game to go to.

Hot in Cleveland S05, Ep19 – Strange Bedfellows

Season: 5
Episode: 19
Title: Strange Bedfellows
Original Air Date: August 6, 2014


Guest Stars:
Queen Latifah: Aunt Esther Jean Johnson
Dan Lauria: J.J.
Bill Bellamy: Councilman Powell
Craig Bierko: Donald
Casey Washington: Shane


Synopsis: Elka is preparing for her debate with Jim Powell. Melanie and Donald run into each other at the bar and the sparks fly again. Joy is selected to be the moderator of the debate. During the debate Victoria and J.J. sneak out to finally consummate their relationship. Jim falls into Elka’s trap during the debate and challenges her to a drinking contest. Elka suggests vodka shots instead of beer. Jim starts to feel it. Donald is feeding Jim answers in his ear. So Melanie finds him and starts making out with him. Jim’s answer go downhill quickly. After 10 shots of vodka he passes out and Elka is unfazed. Jim’s aunt, Aunt Ester, fills in for him to finish the debate. When she asks Elka why Elka is running against her nephew she explains that he wants to close the dog parks. Aunt Esther is furious because she takes her dogs every day. She switches sides to Elka. Back at the house the ladies chat on the porch. They, of course, discuss men. And the fact that Melanie has Donald upstairs.


Click on either link to grab the fifth season of the show, it’s a great way to support the ladies and have some serious laughs.

Amazon Hot in Cleveland: Season Five

iTunes Hot in Cleveland, Season 5 – Hot in Cleveland


Favorite Quotes:

* Joy: So in the debate, if Councilman Powell suggests you’re too old for city council, what would you say?
Elka: I’d say I feel like an energetic 40-year-old. In fact, I could go for one right now.

* Elka: I could concentrate a lot better if I had a cocktail.

* J.J.: Well, I know you’ve had more than one. You’ve probably had more like seven or eight.
Victoria: Well, seven or eight are in the number.

* Victoria: And that’s how you get rid of a man and make him think it’s his idea.

* Melanie: Now I remember. Still haven’t gotten over your terminal pompousness, huh?
Donald: You mean pomposity, and one doesn’t get over terminal things.
Melanie: Well, you’re a terminal pain in the ass, and I got over you.
Donald: Did you?

* Joy: You talk about Elka while you’re having sex?
Melanie: You know I’m not good at dirty talk.

* Elka: So if he’s a one-gin, what does that make you, a 10,000-gin?
Joy: I wouldn’t talk about how much gin one of us has had.
Elka: Every now and then, I like to give her a victory.

* Joy: Stop being so damn stubborn!
Elka: I’m not taking clothing advice from a limey bone bag who shops at sluts fifth Avenue.
Joy: Said the geriatric booze bag who shops at forever 91.

* Elka: If you want her number, check the men’s room wall.
Joy: And if you want Elka’s number, check the wall of King Tut’s tomb.

* Jim: Well, since the voters have suggested it, why not have a beer right now?
Elka: Or vodka shots.
Jim: Seriously?
Elka: If that’s what the people want.


Transcript:

Joy: So in the debate, if Councilman Powell suggests you’re too old for city council, what would you say?
Elka: I’d say I feel like an energetic 40-year-old. In fact, I could go for one right now. Politics is a dirty business.
Melanie: Okay, you have got to stop binge-watching House of Cards. You’re not Kevin Spacey. Stop talking to an imaginary camera.
Elka: Okay, I’ll stop. Fine. Or will I?
Melanie: Elka, you can’t just wing this. The winner of this debate has won the last five elections.
Elka: I could concentrate a lot better if I had a cocktail.
Joy: Just because the debate is at the bar doesn’t mean you can drink. The only thing on the table will be a pitcher of water.
Elka: You know what looks a lot like a pitcher of water? A pitcher of vodka. Just saying.
Victoria: Well, I’m off to meet J.J.
Joy: So is it finally just you and him tonight?
Victoria: Oh, God, I hope so. Every time we go out, he invites people from the nearby tables to come join us.
Joy: Well, I suppose tonight you could reserve all the tables around you with fake names so that no one else shows up, but that would be selfish and unethical.
Victoria: Yes, that would be.
Joy: You already did it, didn’t you?
Victoria: Yes, I did. I just wish I understood why he doesn’t want to be alone with me.
Elka: A mystery for the ages.

J.J.: You always look so elegant. Every time we go out together, I feel like lady and the tramp sharing a bowl of spaghetti.
Victoria: Oh, don’t be silly, J. J. I don’t eat carbs. So this is nice, isn’t it? Just the two of us.
Manager: Hi, folks. Welcome to Stormi’s. And truly, thanks for coming. All these empty tables. No-shows. Who does that? Anyway, I’m heading out, but I’ll take your drink orders and send your Manager.
J.J.: Two vodka Martinis.
Manager: Okay.
J.J.: And, hey, if your shift is over, why don’t you join us?
Manager: No, I wouldn’t want to interrupt your romantic dinner. Be right back.
Victoria: J.J., have I done something wrong? Why are you afraid to be alone with me? Are you not attracted to me?
J.J.: I’m nuts about you.
Victoria: Well, then what is it?
J.J.: There’s something I need to tell you. See, I started dating my wife when she was nine years old.
Victoria: Oh, my God, that’s disgusting.
J.J.: No, no, I was nine years old too. We were childhood sweethearts. We even waited. We were virgins on our wedding night.
Victoria: Oh, that is so sweet and dear and old-fashioned and so you. So just the one?
J.J.: Yeah, just the one woman, but we did it a lot of times. And she had a subscription to Cosmo, so we tried stuff.
Victoria: You’re answering questions I’m not asking.
J.J.: Well, I know you’ve had more than one. You’ve probably had more like seven or eight.
Victoria: Well, seven or eight are in the number.
J.J.: And I’m not the kind of guy who likes to admit he’s scared.
Victoria: Well, you don’t need to be. But how about from now on we keep our dates to just the two of us?
J.J.: Done. Nobody else.
Manager: You know, I was thinking about your kind offer, and I’ve been managing this restaurant for 15 years, and no one’s ever asked me to join them before. Thank you. And the answer is yes. So what are we talking about?
Victoria: We were just talking about feelings and our relationship and the ins and outs of the emotional landscape of our future.
Manager: Mm-hmm. You know what? I forgot. I do need to get home tonight.
Victoria: And that’s how you get rid of a man and make him think it’s his idea.

Melanie: Yeah, Elka, I’m at the bar now. Powell’s people want to set the debate up in the main room. Donald?
Donald: Melanie.
Melanie: Oh, yeah, that English professor I used to date is here. Yeah, he does kind of look like Buzz Lightyear. Wow, Donald, hi. So great to see you. How long’s it been?
Donald: Like, two years, maybe.
Melanie: Wow.
Donald: You still look as ravishing as ever.
Melanie: Well, when you talk like that, it makes me wonder what we ever broke up about.
Donald: Well, it’s pedantic to insist, but one shouldn’t end one’s sentences with prepositions.
Melanie: Now I remember. Still haven’t gotten over your terminal pompousness, huh?
Donald: You mean pomposity, and one doesn’t get over terminal things.
Melanie: Well, you’re a terminal pain in the ass, and I got over you.
Donald: Did you?

Melanie: Okay, just to be clear, it’s been a long drought, so this is purely physical for me.
Donald: Well, for me as well. It’s not like I’m getting anything intellectual.
Melanie: Oh, my God. Okay, you know what? You have to go. It may surprise you, given your low opinion of me, but I am helping Elka out with her campaign for city council.
Donald: Oh, doesn’t surprise me one bit. In fact, I knew the entire time. I’m coaching her opponent, councilman Powell, for the debate.
Melanie: What? Why didn’t you tell me? I wouldn’t have slept with you if I’d known that.
Donald: I think you answered your own question. I’m like any other guy when it comes to getting some fleeting, barbarian pleasure.
[Melanie slaps him]
Melanie: How’s that for some barbarian pleasure?

Melanie: Donald is councilman Powell’s debate coach. I just slept with the enemy.
Elka: Did you get any secrets out of him?
Melanie: No, but I may have let one of ours slip. I may have mentioned that you seem a little crazy now that you’re talking to an imaginary camera.
Joy: You talk about Elka while you’re having sex?
Melanie: You know I’m not good at dirty talk.
Victoria: Well, I found out why J.J.’s been nervous about being alone with me. He’s never been with another woman besides his wife.
Joy: Really. Only her?
Victoria: He’s a one-gin.
Elka: A one-gin?
Joy: It’s our term for someone who’s one step away from being a virgin.
Victoria: We really like each other, so it’s really just a matter of time before I take his one-ginity.
Joy: I’m not sure I could take that kind of pressure, following somebody who was the love of his life.
Victoria: Oh, I hadn’t thought about that.
Melanie: And she died, so everything about her becomes more heightened and perfect in his mind.
Elka: That’s how I feel about my night with Sinatra. Wait, I want people to know about that. That’s how I feel about my night with Sinatra.
Victoria: I don’t want to compete with his wife’s memory. I just need to put that out of my mind.
Elka: So if he’s a one-gin, what does that make you, a 10,000-gin?
Joy: I wouldn’t talk about how much gin one of us has had.
Elka: Every now and then, I like to give her a victory.

J.J.: Wow. I mean wow. Great night.
Victoria: Lovely night.
J.J.: Should we go upstairs?
Victoria: We could.
J.J.: Victoria, I know this is strange, but I keep thinking my late wife is gonna walk in and catch me cheating on her.
Victoria: And I keep thinking about how much you loved her. And you wrote that beautiful movie about her, and I just don’t know if I could ever be as good as her.
J.J.: And I don’t know if I could ever be as good as those seven or eight guys you’ve been with. I’m more scared now than when they dropped me in a rice paddy in ‘Nam.
Victoria: I hope that’s not an example of your pillow talk.
J.J.: [Laughs] I should be ready for this. I went to church. I lit a candle.
Victoria: Sexy.
J.J.: You know what? We’re both putting too much pressure on ourselves.
Victoria: You’re right. I mean, we’re adults. We can wait. We’ll know when the time is right.
J.J.: Mm, and when that time comes, I know my wife will be looking down on us and smiling.
Victoria: Again, sexy.

Melanie: How does this keep happening? I don’t even like you. We were just supposed to discuss the debate ground rules.
Donald: Well, we get angry at each other, and the passion flows. It’s like act three of Tosca where Puccini so exquisitely captures–
Melanie: Oh, my God. I don’t care. Can we just get back to the debate, okay? What is so wrong with using Joy as the moderator?
Donald: Melanie, come on. That is such an obvious ploy it’s almost beneath you. We need somebody impartial who won’t steer the conversation to benefit your candidate.

Joy: Stop being so damn stubborn!
Elka: I’m not taking clothing advice from a limey bone bag who shops at sluts fifth Avenue.
Joy: Said the geriatric booze bag who shops at forever 91.
Donald: You know what? We’re fine with Joy as the moderator.

Joy: Good evening, Cleveland. I’m Rejoyla Scroggs, your moderator. Welcome to the City Council debate between councilman Jim Powell and challenger Elka Ostrovsky.
[Applause]
Melanie: With you helping him, he’s gonna sound like a pompous windbag.
Donald: With you helping her, she’s gonna sound like an uninformed bubblehead.
Joy: I have collected questions from the audience, and to the gentleman who asked for my number, I’m flattered but in a relationship and very happy.
Elka: If you want her number, check the men’s room wall.
Joy: And if you want Elka’s number, check the wall of king tut’s tomb. Now, let’s start the debate with councilman Powell’s opening statement.
Jim: I’m a disabled African-American Ohio state football hero, and no offense, my opponent is not.
Elka: You can’t run on just that.
Jim: The people seem to like it. Kept me office for ten years.
Elka: Well, that’s about to change. You’re going down, Powell.
Victoria: Well, this is nice. Such a relief not to be thinking about sex.
J.J.: Huge relief.
Victoria: I mean, there’s nothing erotic about a city council debate.
J.J.: I couldn’t be less turned on.
Joy: Now, Elka, would you like to make your opening statement?
Elka: More dog parks. Vote Elka.
[Applause]
Joy: Shades of Winston Churchill. On to the next question. Councilman Powell, studies show that 20% of local sewer lines fail to meet municipal standards.
J.J.: Now, that’s something we wouldn’t know if we were off having sex.
Victoria: So true. There’s no reason to rush things. Now?
J.J.: Now.
Victoria: But we’ll miss the debate.
J.J.: I have a radio in my car.
Joy: Next question. People like a candidate they can relate to. What makes you the candidate the people would like to have a drink with?
Elka: I wonder who put that one in.
Jim: Well, I’m just an Ohio state football hero, and for you listeners out there, my opponent is 92 years old, not exactly the type of person you want to knock back some cold ones with. Am I right?
Elka: I might try a drink. I’ve been known to sip a little Sherry at Christmas.
Melanie: Oh, no. Elka can’t hold her liquor. She’ll get drunk and embarrass herself.
Jim: Well, since the voters have suggested it, why not have a beer right now?
Elka: Or vodka shots.
Jim: Seriously?
Elka: If that’s what the people want.
[Cheers and applause]
Jim: Set ’em up. We’re doing shots.
Elka: It’s almost too easy.
Elka: Which is why I promise to find more money for public schools. [Chuckles] [Applause]
Joy: Councilman Powell, your rebuttal?
Jim: She said “butt.” Actually Miss Ostrovsky’s ludicrous assertion that school vouchers could ever be tenable for this community is nothing more than a flight of fancy down a carrollian rabbit hole.
Jim: Something, something, rabbit hole.
Melanie: What the hell?
Joy: Thank you councilman Powell for that illuminating response. And for those of you keeping track at home, that’s seven shots of vodka for both candidates. I’d be very surprised if the presidential debaters adopted this format.
J.J.: That was amazing.
Victoria: Yeah, it was, wasn’t it?
J.J.: I kind of liked having a stick shift poking in my ribs again.
Victoria: You know, we spent so much time trying to be adult about everything when it turns out we just had to be a couple of teenagers.
J.J.: Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
Victoria: Yes, let’s go back to my place and enjoy some silk sheets and champagne. Now we can be a couple of teenagers with money.
Donald: Actually my response to your thought-provoking query might just surprise you.
Melanie: There you are, Donald.
Donald: Melanie.
Melanie: You look so sexy I don’t think I can keep my hands off you.
Donald: Oh. That feels good.
Jim: Oh, that feels good. Don’t stop. Wait until I get you home, you dirty little girl.
Joy: Councilman Powell? Councilman Powell?
Elka: I told you he was going down.
Donald: Unfortunately councilman Powell has fallen ill. I’m sure he would want to remind you that he is a disabled African-American Ohio state football hero.
Joy: Well, seeing as we only have one candidate who is still conscious, it looks like the debate is over, so by default–
Aunt Esther: Not so fast, Downton Abbey.
Joy: Who are you?
Aunt Ester: I am councilman Powell’s aunt Esther Jean Johnson. I will take his place.
Elka: She can’t do that.
Joy: Actually, sub clause 8.3 allows for substitutions. I’ve read the bylaws.
Elka: “I’ve read the bylaws.”
Joy: All right. Councilman Powell, when you were elected, you promised to put lights up in the park baseball fields. Why hasn’t that happened?
Aunt Esther: What? I told him to do that. I also told him to go to church every Sunday, but he didn’t do that either. Oh, that boy gets me riled.
Joy: Right, next question.
Aunt Esther: You know what the problem is with young people? Is they don’t understand hard work. They ask, “how much do I get to mow the lawn?” And then I ask, “well, what do I get for not whupping you?”
Elka: Preaching to the choir.
Aunt Esther: And don’t get me started on young men in coffee shops ordering them nonfat decaf soy lattes. Cowboy up and order some milk.
Joy: Is that really a pressing problem?
Aunt Esther: Well, who asked you, skinny-ass Mary Poppins?
Elka: That’s a good one.
Aunt Esther: And what about men who say they’ll call you but they don’t?
Elka: They will if I’m elected.
Aunt Ester: I like your style, honey child. But why do you have to run against my nephew? Can’t you run against someone else?
Elka: Your nephew wants to close all the dog parks.
Aunt Esther: What? Oh, hell no. I take my dogs to the park every day. Now, where are Bling and Teddy Pendergrass supposed to do their business?
Elka: That’s what I’m saying.
Aunt Esther: Everybody, I am changing my vote. Councilman Powell’s Beyonce look-alike aunt –
Joy: What?
Aunt Esther: It’ll be on the radio. They can’t see. Anyway, I’m supporting Elka, and you should too. [Cheers and applause] Now, stand up and give me a hug.
Elka: I am standing up.
Aunt Ester: Oh, well, then just give me some sugar. Out of my way, London bridge.
[Applause]
Elk: And that’s how you do politics.

Joy: Congratulations, Elka. You fired up the cranky old lady vote. There’s gonna be a lot of cars driving very slowly to the polls.
Elka: I’m no hero. I’m just a 92-year-old woman who had 10 shots of vodka.
Melanei: And congratulations to you, Victoria. You and J.J. finally got together.
Elka: I’m no hero. I’m just a 10-year-old woman who had 92 shots of vodka.
Victoria: You know, you try to be so careful and mature, but sometimes you just have to do what comes naturally and repeatedly.
Joy: You really like him, don’t you?
Victoria: I do. Yeah, I think we were both just afraid because we see a future in this, and we don’t want to make a mistake.
Melanie: Well, maybe I’m so afraid of making a mistake that I’m choosing men I have no future with. I just want to wake up with someone I can stand.
Joy: I have that with Mitch. I’m gonna call him.
Victoria: Yeah, I’m gonna call J.J. I’m gonna call Donald. [yelling] Donald!
Donald: Yes, milady.
Joy: He’s here?
Melanie: Yeah, he’s upstairs. I’ll choose a man I have a future with tomorrow.
Donald: With apologies to the bard, pray borrow cupid’s wings, soar with them above to this our common bed.
Melanie: [Sighs] He’s such a schmuck. [yelling] Coming!
Joy: So, should we call it a night?
Elka: I’m no hero. I’m just a 92-year-old vodka who had 10 shots of women.

Hot in Cleveland S05, Ep18 – The Animated Episode

Season: 5
Episode: 18
Title: The Animated Episode
Original Air Date: July 30, 2014


Guest Stars:
Georgia Engel: Mamie (voice)
Steven Tyler: Steven Tyler (voice)
David Kaye: Narrator (voice)
Dee Bradley Baker: George Clooney the Dog and; Man (voice)
Jim Meskimen: Robert Redford and; Quasimodo (voice)
Cedric Yarbrough: LeBron (voice)
Chris Edgerly: Abe Lincoln (voice)
Brian T. Delaney: David Beckham (voice)
Barry Wiggins: Bouncer (voice)
Vanessa Marshall: Boy Scout (voice)


Synopsis: The ladies realize it’s the fourth anniversary of them crash landing in Cleveland and decide to celebrate. They go to Elka’s place to invite her as well. But when she finally opens the door and lets them in they all turn into a cartoon. They drive over to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. It’s locked but Melanie flashes the door and it opens. Joy rescues Steven Tyler from a trunk. He gives them the choice of being their butler for life or three wishes. They take the wishes. The first wish takes them to a Willy Wonka styled beauty world. Joy falls victim to the inflatorator. She makes her butt and breasts so big she turns into a balloon. Melanie finds the modelizer. While it makes her gorgeous she becomes completely stupid. And Victoria finds some new chill pills. But each time she takes one she is ten years younger and turns herself into a baby. They all scream to go back. Wish number two doesn’t go much better. They want men to be hungry for them. They wind up in a zombie apocalypse where the men are trying to literally eat them. After they kill the zombies they re-animate them to make the perfect men. For a while they are happy, but then they let Mamie (who’s become a zombie) eat them. Wish number three is that LeBron James never left. But it changes the city. The ladies can’t even get into their bar anymore. They are no longer hot in Cleveland. They scream for Steven Tyler. Elka takes them back home.


Click on either link to grab the fifth season of the show, it’s a great way to support the ladies and have some serious laughs.

Amazon Hot in Cleveland: Season Five

iTunes Hot in Cleveland, Season 5 – Hot in Cleveland


Favorite Quotes:

* Joy: Mr. Tyler, I’m a huge fan.
Steven Tyler: Aah! Look at those hands. Lady looks like a dude.

* Quasimodo: Beauty is in the soul.
Joy: That better not be the lesson we’re learning.

* Elka: The process destroys brain cells.
Melanie: Oh, they say the same thing about wine.

* Victoria: Did you get that, Steven Tyler? We want men to be crazy about us.
Joy: Hordes of men hungry for us.
Elka: Drooling over us.

* Melanie: What? You know what they say about men with big hats?
Joy: That’s shoes.

* Melanie: Do you like this dress on me?
Abe: Eh, it’s not exactly giving me a Lincoln log.

* Bouncer: I don’t think so, ladies. You’re not quite right for this establishment.
Joy: Oh, my God. He just said we’re not hot in Cleveland.


Transcript:

Victoria: I can’t believe it’s been four years to the day we crash landed in Cleveland.
Melanie: We should celebrate. Oh, wait. We can’t do this without Elka.
Joy: You know what’s really strange? In four years, we’ve never been inside Elka’s house.
Victoria: Yeah, she always has some excuse. “Oh, don’t come in. The place is a mess.”
Melanie: “Don’t come in. I have a man in here.”
Joy: “Don’t come in. I don’t like you.”
Melanie: You know what? This is silly. We should just go over there.
Joy: Yeah.
[Knock on door]
Elka: Don’t come in. I don’t like you.
Melanie: Elka, come on. We want to celebrate with you. Today is the anniversary of when we moved to Cleveland.
Elka: I know. You arrived, LeBron left. Worst trade ever.
Victoria: Will you just let us in?
Elka: All right. But don’t freak out.
[All gasp]
Joy: What the
Victoria: [Laughs] Wow.
Melanie: Oh, my God.
Elka: All right. Come on in.
Melanie: How is this possible?
Elka: The short explanation is the house is built over a portal to another universe.
Joy: But how does–
Elka: I could go into the exact whys and hows, but you’d need to read this book on string theory first.
Melanie: It’s fine.
Joy: We’re good.
Victoria: We don’t really know how botox works either.
George Clooney: Oh, mein Gott. We have visitors.
Elka: Oh, yeah, and the dog talks.
Victoria: Why is George Clooney wearing socks and sandals?
Elka: He’s German.
George Clooney: Technically, ich bin Pomeranian.
Melanie: I don’t know about anyone else, but I could go for a driving montage.
Joy: Melanie, where are your manners? Opening credits first.

Melanie: Look over there. It’s the beautiful Cuyahoga River.
Elka: And there’s the Cleveland Indians’ stadium.
Victoria: And that must be Severance Hall, where the world-renowned Cleveland orchestra plays.
[Tires screech]
Victoria:[Grunts] Oh, no. The Rock and Roll Hall of Fame is closed.
Joy: I think I have something that can open that.
Melanie: So do I. And that, ladies, is how you get inside The Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.
Steven Tyler: [Grunting] Hey, get me out of here. [Wailing] Wow!
Victoria: Steven Tyler?
Joy: Mr. Tyler, I’m a huge fan.
Steven Tyler: Aah! Look at those hands. Lady looks like a dude.
Melanie: What were you doing in the trunk of Janis Joplin’s Porsche?
Steven Tyler: I got in an argument with Stevie Nicks about who wears scarves better. Before I knew it, she cast a spell on me and locked me in a trunk. And damn it, now I either have to grant you three wishes or be your Butler for life.
All: Wishes. We want wishes.
Steven Tyler: Okay, okay. I know everybody’s first wish is world peace, so–
All: Eternal youth and beauty.
Steven Tyler: You all want in?
All: Yes.
Elka: I’ll opt out. The secret to my happiness is doing the opposite of these three loons.
Steven Tyler: No problem. You and I will pass the time together, right, cutie?
Elka: Dream on.
Steven Tyler: Wow! So that’s what rejection from a woman feels like. Eternal youth and beauty for three coming right up. [Scats]
Melanie: Oh, my God. We’re in Paris.
Victoria: But why are we here? This isn’t what we wished for.
Joy: Maybe we’re finally going to Paris like we intended four years ago, when we crash-landed in Cleveland.
[Men murmuring, chuckling]
Melanie: Hey, we thought Cleveland was the ticket to eternal youth and beauty, but we seem to be hot in Paris too.
[Bell rings]
Male narrator: The models came out in two straight lines. The smallest one was 5’9″.
[Giggles]
[Moans] All: Aw.
Victoria: We need eternal youth and beauty.
[Shimmering tone]
Melanie: What are these tickets?
Quasimodo: Ladies, follow me to the Institute of Eternal Youth and Beauty.
Victoria: You’re not an example of the work that they do, are you?
Quasimodo: Beauty is in the soul.
Joy: That better not be the lesson we’re learning.
Quasimodo: Walk this way. What didn’t you understand about “walk this way”? Bonne chance.
Elka: [Grunting] Nailed it.
Melanie: Elka?
Elka: Wilhelmina Wonka. I’m your ticket to youth and beauty. [Upbeat music] Who can take your wrinkles whisk them all away? Make your skin as smooth as if you’ve bathed in retin-a? The beauty man can
George Clooney: you’re really not a man
Elka: But “woman” wouldn’t scan.
[All gasp]
Elka: Welcome to my world, a world of pure rejuvenation. Fauna and flora designed by Sephora. Hair extensions growing in the trees. And should you find occasion for microdermabrasion there’s sodium chloride crystals on the breeze–
Melanie: Is this real? A skin peel just by dunking my head in this fountain
Victoria: not just that, lose your fat at the top of lipo mountain
Joy: the birdies in the skies have lasers in their eyes to zap unwanted facial hairs away
All: yes, nothing can go wrong here in beauty land so in beauty land we’ll stay
Elka: A word of caution, though. Don’t let your vanity get the better of you. For example, this river of pure botox
Victoria: river of botox, you say?
Elka: Stop! Do you want the same fate as the real housewives of Beverly Hills?
Joy: What’s going to happen to them?
Elka: Oh, we recycle. [Saw blade whirring] Nothing goes to waste here. We use their implants for toss-a-cross.
Melanie: Hey, who are they?
Elka: Those are the Mamie Sues, the little people who work for me.
All: Work with you.
Elka: Ongoing labor dispute. Shall we continue the tour?
Joy: An inflatorator? What does that do?
All: It pumps and plumps your boobs and ass enough to put on any glass.
Elka: But it’s still very much in the experimental stage. Now, come on.
[Mechanical whirring]
Joy: Ooh. Someone’s a bit handsy. They’re right here. Oh. Oh, I say.
George Clooney: Joy, this is unsanctioned behavior.
Joy: Look, I’ve always wanted this. I just don’t know how big I should go. Oh! This is wonderful. Oh, my back hurts already. More! [Cackles] More! Whoa! Help!
All: boob jobs, butt jobs silly silicone you’re better off being flat and alone
Elka: Melanie, tie Joy to your wrist, and we’ll carry on.
[Thud]
Joy: Ow.
Melanie: Sorry.
Elka: This room contains the most cutting-edge revitalization technology in the world.
Melanie: It’s amazing.
Both: Oh.
Victoria: Pills. What do these do?
All: Much stronger by far than any ablution. For aging, this is the perfect solution.
Elka: I call it “the ever-younger stopgobber.”
Victoria: I have a major announcement to make. I want an ever-younger stopgobber.
Elka: They’re not ready yet.

Melanie: Ooh, a modelizer? What does this turn you into?
All: A teenage model, a human coat hanger, the kind that makes fellows say, “I’d love to bang her.”
Melanie: I’m there.
Elka: There are drawbacks.
Melanie: I’m there.
Elka: The process destroys brain cells.
Melanie: Oh, they say the same thing about wine.
[Rattling]
Melanie: [Grunts] I’m stuck in here.
Elka: You need to push.
Melanie: Which way is that again?
[Hissing]
Victoria: Oh, my God. You’re so young.
Joy: And thin. You can eat anything.
Melanie: Yeah, but I can’t remember what. Do I eat meat or am I a “vetenernarinan”?
Elka: Oh, brother.
All: models are a vapid, boring breed you’re better off just going to seed
Victoria: Oh, my God. Joy’s a balloon, and Melanie’s an idiot. Where are my chill pills? Oh, I feel better and younger. I feel 40. I don’t want to be 40.
Elka: Stop. Don’t.
Melanie: Look at her now. Look, all my hand toes can point.
Victoria: Oh, my God. Look at me. I’m bald and fat.
All: three failed stabs at turning back your clocks proves you dumb as a trio of rocks.
Victoria: Steven Tyler, take us back. This wish didn’t work! [Wailing] Wow! [Playing guitar] What happened? You look as old as when you left.
Joy: Let’s just say we had some problems, and leave it at that.
Melanie: You know, we don’t have to improve ourselves to be attractive to men. We should wish they’re attracted to us just the way we are.
Victoria: Did you get that, Steven Tyler? We want men to be crazy about us.
Joy: Hordes of men hungry for us.
Elka: Drooling over us.
Steven Tyler: So you all agree that’s the second wish? You want men to be hungry for you. Coming right up. [Inhales deeply, plays pitch pipe] [Wailing] Wow!
Melanie: What are we doing here?
Joy: And where are all the men, hungry and drooling for us?
[Glass shatters]
[All scream]
[Zombies groaning]
[Door closes]
Mamie: I’m returning your corkscrew. And by the way, there’s a zombie apocalypse going on.
Melanie: Well, they are hungry for us.
Elka: If there’s one thing I hate, it’s zombies and what Joy’s wearing.
Joy: Really? Now?
Mamie: I think we should reason with them. They may be undead, but they’re still people. Do any of you zombies want to talk about healthier eating options than human flesh? Ooh. Ooh, my. [Zombies groaning] Those zombies made some excellent points. Also, I’m a zombie now.
[All scream]
[The Walking Dead theme]
Victoria: Who would have thought you could kill zombies with Tae Bo?
Elka: I did.
Victoria: Do you know what the sad part is?
Joy: No, Victoria, please tell us what the sad part about being attacked by zombies is.
Mamie: Yeah, I’d like to know too. [Growls]
Melanie: Mamie Sue!
Mamie: Sorry.
[Clears throat] The sad part is we have all these men that wanted us really badly, and they’re all gone.
Melanie: That’s true. If only there was some way to take these body parts and create the perfect man.
Joy: There are enough body parts here to make four perfect men.
Victoria: But how would we do that?
Mamie: You could always go to Elka’s secret lab.
Elka: Did I never mention the secret lab I have under the house?
Melanie: How long have you had this underground lab?
Elka: Oh, forever. My license with the city says it’s a build-a-bear workshop. In fact, before we re-animate our men, you have to choose one of these outfits.
Joy: $300 for a denim cap?
Melanie: That’s where they get you.
Elka: Is everyone ready?
Victoria: Mine will be the most beautiful creature you’ve ever seen.
Melanie: I didn’t go for looks. I went for personality. My perfect man is nice, smart, and, above all, honest.
Elka: Robert Redford.
Joy: David Beckham.
Victoria: George Clooney.
George Clooney: Ja?
Victoria: Not you.
George Clooney: Okay, but admit it’s confusing.
Melanie: Abraham Lincoln. What? You know what they say about men with big hats?
Joy: That’s shoes.
Melanie: Really? Oh.
Elka: You ladies ready?
[Electricity hums]
Robert Redford: Hello.
George Clooney: Well, hello.
David Beckham: Hello, gorgeous.
Abe Lincoln: I propose we form a perfect union naked.
Victoria: Our men are falling in love with each other. We found the perfect gay men? [Scoffs] We could have done that in L.A.
Elka: Whoops, we programmed the men to fall in love with the first person they see.
Joy: De-animate them! De-animate them!
[Electricity buzzes] [Electricity hums]
Robert Redford: My God. You are the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen.
Elka: You got that right, Sundance.
Melanie: This is fantastic.
Joy: It certainly is.
Victoria: What could possibly go wrong?

Melanie: Nothing has gone wrong.
Mamie: Well, kind of a mixed bag.
Joy: [Giggling] Ooh. Nothing could ruin our happiness.

Joy: Nothing has ruined our happiness.

Elka: [Hissing] I need coffee. Robert Redford snores louder than I did during The Great Waldo Pepper.
Joy: Sure, you can bend it like Beckham, but would it kill you to bend over and pick up a wet towel once in a while?
Victoria: You think you have it bad. George Clooney’s so hot to save the planet he put fluorescent bulbs over my bathroom mirror.
Melanie: Well, now that we’re getting everything out, honest Abe could cut back on the honesty a little.
Melanie: Do you like this dress on me?
Abe: Eh, it’s not exactly giving me a Lincoln log.
Elka: So we didn’t create perfect men after all.
Joy: It turns out even sexy, athletic, talented, political icons are still just men.
Melanie: Maybe we’re not being fair. We couldn’t make ourselves into perfect women either.
Victoria: So maybe we should cut them some slack.
[Upbeat music playing]
Elka: It’s coming from the garage.

All: and I’m happy just to be alive
Joy: Oh, dear God. They’ve started a middle-aged man garage band.
Melanie: Oh, yeah. They gotta go.
Victoria: Now.
Elka: But how do we get rid of them?
Mamie: I could eat.
[Men scream] [Chewing, gnawing]

Steven Tyler: You ladies are probably starting to figure out that these wishes have catches to them, so I’m sure you’ll be careful when you make your next wishes.
Elka: I wish LeBron never left Cleveland.
Steven Tyler: All right. [Wailing] Wow!

Announcer: Welcome to Cleveland, city of champions.
Elka: That means they won the title. Mamie Sue, you look fantastic. And so does Cleveland.
Mamie: A little confidence changes everything. They say that in women’s magazines all the time, but for once it’s really true.
Joy: We should go to our bar and toast our amazing new city.
Melanie: Excuse me, we’re regulars here, so
Bouncer: I don’t think so, ladies. You’re not quite right for this establishment.
Joy: Oh, my God. He just said we’re not hot in Cleveland.
Mamie: Cleveland is overflowing with powerful, attractive people now. Even the Browns and Indians have won championships.
Elka: But the best part of being a Cleveland fan is the complaining about the teams.
Melanie: Your wish ruined Cleveland.
Elka: We gotta go talk to LeBron.

[All gasp]
LeBron: Who dares approach the great and powerful LeBron? Hey, what’s up, dog?
Elka: King James, you need to fix Cleveland.
LeBron: What are you talking about? I fixed it. We’re cool. We win championships. We even have our own Batman. Don’t tell them it’s you. Way ahead of you. Anyway, Cleveland has pretentious food trucks and spin classes and hipsters and vegans.
Joy: You know what that sounds like.
LeBron: Success?
Victoria: No, Los Angeles.
Melanie: We came here from Los Angeles and discovered a special place, totally different from what we left behind. And now it’s all gone.
Joy: I miss the Fanny Packs, the chili fries, the jean shorts, and Marshall Tucker Band tank tops.
Victoria: I loved complaining that you couldn’t find anything in a size 0 here.
Melanie: I loved being objectified, whistled at, and yes, once, in a dunkin’ donuts, goosed.
Victoria: And after all, isn’t feeling good about yourself really just feeling better than others? Oh, do something, LeBron.
LeBron: Forgive me. Your words have moved me. People say a lot of things about me, but I never want them to say Batman I mean, LeBron robbed a lady of her hotness. I don’t know why I just said “Batman,” because I’m obviously not him. Batman.
Elka: But what will you do?
LeBron: I’ll move on. I’ve recently had an offer from the Okinawa Lady Pantsers.
[Japanese pop song]
LeBron: Hey, aren’t you –
Victoria: No, I don’t think so.
LeBron: I know this city. Cleveland won’t mind if I leave. Maybe they won’t even notice.
Joy: This is perfect. I already feel like the city is ours again, and things will be back to normal.
LeBron: Good-bye, Cleveland.
[Car horns honking]
[Overlapping shouting]
[Car alarms blaring, explosions]
Melanie: It’s okay. Nobody knows we’re responsible.
[Indistinct shouting]
Woman: There they are! Get ’em!
[All scream]
All: Steven Tyler, take us back. We want everything back the way it was. We’ve learned our lesson.
Melanie: Instead of chasing after what we don’t have, we should appreciate what we’ve got. Isn’t that right, Steven Tyler?
Steven Tyler: No. That’s not the lesson.
Victoria: Well, then what is the lesson?
Steven Tyler: Listen close and write this down. [Scatting, clicking tongue]
Elka: I was with you until “diggy-diggy-dah.
Steven Tyler: As hot as you all are, you’d be the least hot women I ever slept with, except you, Elka.
Elka: That’s the lesson?
Steven Tyler: That’s what I got out of it. See you. [Wailing] Wow!
Melanie: How do we get back?
Elka: Well, according to String theory
Joy: Just do it.
Elka: [Snaps fingers]

Melanie: [Exhales] Oh, my God. I can’t believe that just happened.
Victoria: Now that it has, how can anything ever be the same?
Joy: We can’t un-know what we know.
Elka: My advice is to forget it ever happened or it’ll make you crazy. That’s my advice to you too.
George Clooney: Hey, Elka. Der schnitzel’s getting cold. I mean, “woof.”
Elka: Must’ve left the door open.

[Singing]
Betty: Welcome to my world, a world of pure rejuvenation, and should you find occasion for microdermabrasion There’s sodium chloride crystals on the breeze
Valerie: is this real? A skin peel just by dunking my head in this fountain
Wendie: not just that, lose your fat at the top of lipo Mountain
Jane: the birdies in the skies have lasers in their eyes to zap unwanted facial hairs away
All: so in beauty land we’ll stay