Hot in Cleveland S04, Ep24 – The Man Who Got Away

Season: 4
Episode: 24
Title: The Man That Got Away
Original Air Date: September 4, 2013


Guest Stars:
Alan Dale: Emmet
Craig Ferguson: Simon
Nick Searcy: Warden Buckhalter


Synopsis: Melanie’s mole is not cancer. Victoria’s wedding is happening at the jail. However, there is one problem. The new warden is not as nice as the old. She has to get married in a holding cell and can only have 4 guests, counting the officiant. The officiant turns out to be Simon, the man who got Joy pregnant when she was a teenager. Joy tries to keep it together during the ceremony. After the ceremony Victoria and Emmet go to the conjugal trailer for their prison style honeymoon. She gets a text from his lawyer that there are more charges coming and a longer stay in prison. Victoria is devastated, but refuses to take a quick annulment. Back at the house Simon comes to see Joy. Elka plays the go between until Simon’s wrong answers anger Joy enough to come out on the porch and talk to him. Then he tells her how they actually met. He apologizes and she curses him out. She tells him about how she was pregnant and had a son. He is shocked that he has a son. She then tells him his name is Owen and he’s 32. And he has a grandson. And they live in Cleveland. He has to leave to photograph the royal baby’s christening. But before he leaves he tells her he’ll be back. He leaves but then comes back and gives her a kiss he’s been holding for over 30 years. The next morning Victoria awakes to find Emmet gone from the trailer. She goes back to the house in her honeymoon outfit and tells them that Emmet has escaped dressed like her. Melanie gets a call from her doctor (not the mole doctor) and she’s pregnant.


Click on either link to grab the fourth season of the show, it’s a great way to support the ladies and have some serious laughs.

Amazon Hot in Cleveland: Season 4

iTunes Hot in Cleveland, Season 4 – Hot in Cleveland


Favorite Quotes:

* Melanie: Oh, honey, you’re about to marry the love of your life. It doesn’t matter how you look.
Victoria: What is wrong with her?

* Melanie: Now, on the plus side, everyone has one thing go wrong at their wedding, right? Now you’ve had yours.
Elka: Her wedding is in prison. I think that box has been checked.

* Elka: I remember my wedding.
Joy: You mean the groom clubbing you over the head and dragging you to his cave?

* Joy: Bloody hell.
Melanie: What?
Joy: That priest. That’s Simon, my baby daddy.
Elka: A priest? Joy, is there no one you won’t sleep with?

* Joy: You’re about to feel even older. You have a grandson too.
Simon: Oh, my God!
Joy: Little Wilbur. He has your jowls.
Simon: Ah, they’ll go away. And then they’ll reappear in about 40 years.

* Joy: Can you believe it? After all this time, my romance with Simon has been rekindled.
Elka: I guess two old, dry sticks can still make a spark.
Joy: You would know. You were there when fire was invented.


Transcript:

Melanie: Great news! I got the results back from my doctor. That weird mole is not skin cancer.
Elka: Oh, thank heavens!
Joy: Oh, I am so happy! All those times I said, “don’t worry, that mole is nothing,” I was actually thinking, “oh, my God, that repulsive mole has ‘killer’ written all over it.”
Melanie: I know! I ate an entire can of frosting last night thinking, “oh, what does it matter ” Oh, my God, I ate an entire can of frosting last night. You know what? I don’t care. In fact, I have a whole new lease on life. I am going to see the good in everything every person, every experience.
Joy: Must you?
Melanie: I must. I am living in the moment! Do you know why they call it the present? Because it’s a gift.
Elka: Yeah, this won’t get annoying.
Joy: Hey, Victoria! How was L.A.?
Victoria: Well, I have a major sad announcement to make. I didn’t get the part, and my wedding is ruined.
Joy: What happened?
Victoria: Oh, they insisted that I screen test in character, and I agreed because the academy just loves it when a beautiful actress makes herself look hideous for a role. Only I didn’t get the role, and so now I’m just a beautiful actress who looks hideous.
Melanie: Oh, honey, you’re about to marry the love of your life. It doesn’t matter how you look.
Victoria: What is wrong with her?
Joy: Melanie just found out she’s cancer-free, and she’s turning into one of those “life is beautiful” people that you have to block on Facebook.
Victoria: Oh, I’m so glad you’re okay.
Melanie: Thank you. Now, on the plus side, everyone has one thing go wrong at their wedding, right? Now you’ve had yours.
Elka: Her wedding is in prison. I think that box has been checked.
Joy: Just wear your emergency wig. Emmet will never know the difference.
Elka: I remember my wedding.
Joy: You mean the groom clubbing you over the head and dragging you to his cave?
Elka: It’s true. I’m old. Let’s talk about your weddings. Oh, that’s right.
Joy: Yes, two men did leave me at the altar. But Simon would’ve married me when I was pregnant with Owen if my mother hadn’t sent him off. I know he’s a rat for never trying to get in touch, but there’s just something about your first love.
Elka: He knocked you up and skipped town.
Victoria: But I see the point Joy is trying to make. I mean, even my prison wedding won’t be as sad as her life.
Victoria: Oh, it’s my wedding planner. Huh. Apparently, there’s a new warden at the prison and he wants to see me.

Victoria: It’s a pleasure to meet you, warden, but I’m still a tad confused as to why we’re in this dank holding cell which is slightly reminiscent of a subway restroom.
Warden: Because this dank holding cell is where you’re getting married.
Victoria: What? I was promised an outdoor wedding. I have 150 celebrity guests coming. And the Death Row A Cappella quartet is singing Killing Me Softly.
Warden: Well, none of that is going to happen. And it’s a trio now.
Melanie: Well, on the plus side Um Um –
Victoria: This is outrageous. My wedding planner Jeffrey won’t stand for it.
Warden: I had one inmate bite another inmate’s nose off this morning. I think I can handle wedding planner Jeffrey.
Victoria: All right, you just check with the old warden, and he’ll tell you that we had an entirely different arrangement.
Warden: He’s been fired for taking bribes.
Victoria: What! That’s shocking. But just out of curiosity, will the people who paid those bribes be getting reimbursed?
Emmet: Darling.
Victoria: Oh, Emmet! Darling, love the do-rag.
Emmet: My dear friend Anquan in block seven wears one just like it. Where’s our wedding planner?
Warden: I’m your wedding planner now. You’re going to be married in this room, with absolutely no press whatsoever.
Victoria: But we sold the exclusive rights to UK People.
Warden: No press. And instead of 150 guests, I’m limiting you to 4.
Victoria: 14?
Warden: 4
Victoria: 44?
Warden: 4. Stop pretending you’re not hearing me. And one of them has to be your officiant.
Victoria: But we’ve invited so many of our famous friends. I mean, which three would we choose?
Melanie, Joy and Elka (clearing throats)
Victoria: Oh, right. Uh, Emmet?
Emmet: Darling, at least we’ll be spending our wedding night together. That won’t be changing, will it?
Warden: Yes, you will have your honeymoon in the prisoner conjugal trailer, third shift.
Elka: You might wanna bring your own sheets.
Warden: Sheets? Well, la-dee-da.

Victoria: Oh, I can’t believe how nervous I am.
Melanie: On the plus side, it means you’re feeling alive.
Victoria: I’d rather be nervous than irritated, Melanie.
Joy: You look so beautiful. I’m sorry they won’t let you have a photographer.
Victoria: Oh, there’s a photographer. No, I arranged for the guy from UK People to be ordained. He’s performing our ceremony.
Melanie: How’s he taking the pictures?
Simon: So the lens is in the center, and then I control the zoom on either side.
Emmet: That’s ingenious!
Simon: Yeah! Madonna threw it at me in the ’80s, and I turned it into a camera.
Victoria: Tip of the tongue, the teeth, the lips. Nationwide is on your side. Nationwide is on your side.
Melanie: Why are you saying that?
Victoria: It’s my good luck vocal exercise. I’ve done it before all six of my weddings.
Melanie: I just know it’s gonna be magical.
Warden: All right, ladies. Arms up and spread ’em.
Elka: Titanium hip. Underwire bra. Garter flask. Ketel one.
Joy: I have to admit, Melanie’s right. No matter what the circumstances, it’s always wonderful to celebrate love. Bloody hell.
Melanie: What?
Joy: That priest. That’s Simon, my baby daddy.
Elka: A priest? Joy, is there no one you won’t sleep with?
Simon: Holy crap! Joy Scroggs? Is that you?
Emmet: Do you two know each other?
Joy: We certainly do. This is the man who got me pregnant when I was a teenager and then disappeared without a trace.
Simon: Joy! I was–
Joy: We are not going to ruin Victoria’s wedding.
Simon: I have to tell you–
Joy: How did you even get here?
Simon: You gonna let me answer?
Victoria: Hello, darling.
Emmet: Victoria. You look ravishing.
Simon: Well, if I could ask the wedding party to line up over here then, please, and smile. And remember, if you can’t see the cross, the cross can’t see you.

Joy: “Love is patient, love is kind.” Yeah, right. “Love doesn’t take offense and is never resentful.” Who wrote this crap?
Elka: Joy, maybe somebody less bitter should read it.
Melanie: “And now these three remain faith, hope, and love.” Oh, I love love. I love faith. And Hope. That’s my middle name. It really is. Melanie Hope Moretti.
Simon: Is she special needs? How about we just go to the vows?
Emmet: Victoria, I love you. I love your sparkling wit, your generous spirit, and the adorable way you snort when you laugh. But most of all, I love your eyes. When I look in your eyes, I am home.
Victoria: My darling Emmet you first amazed me by proving that soul mates really do exist. And now I’m amazed that, even in this prison cell, this is the most spectacular day of my life. I love you, Emmet Lawson.
Simon: Okay, by the power vested in me by the omniversallifechurch.org, I pronounce you man and wife. You may kiss the bride.
Warden: Just allergies.

Simon: Elka, I need to talk to Joy. Is she here?
Elka: Not sure she wants to talk to you.
Simon: Yes, well, given our history, I can understand that, but I have to see her one more time.
Elka: Are you sure about this? You got away clean once before.

Joy: I don’t know if I’m ready to see him yet. I mean, I want to, but I have to be mentally prepared. Is he happily married? Is he gonna whip out pictures of his beautiful children? Or has he been living like a hermit, forsaking all women because I was his one true love?
Elka: Yeah, I don’t think you’ll have to prepare for that one.
Melanie: Joy, I don’t want you to miss this opportunity. I’ll go talk to him and find out what you wanna know.
Joy: No, you’ll just “on the plus side” everything he says. I need someone who’s gonna tell me the hard truth, even if it hurts and tears me apart.
Elka: I’ll do it.

Simon: No, I never married.
Elka: Really? A handsome guy like yourself?
Simon: Are you flirting with me?
Elka: I’ve looked up a kilt or two.
Simon: I’ll bet you have, you saucy minx.
Elka: So how come you never called Joy?
Simon: I never forgot about her. Look, I know a lot of time has gone by, but can you tell her that I’m still the same guy in that club on Dorchester Street that asked a beautiful girl in a yellow dress to dance to Blondie’s Heart of Glass?
Elka: To dance to Blondie’s Heart of Glass.
Melanie: Oh, that’s so sweet. He remembered everything.
Joy: He remembered nothing! I’ve never been in that club, I look terrible in yellow, and that was definitely not the song.
Joy: Well, what are you waiting for? Go tell him.
Simon: Maybe it was Whip It by Devo. Tainted Love by Soft Cell. Hungry Like the Wolf by Duran Duran.
Elka: Sure, I’m 91. I can do this all night.

Emmet: Darling, I know this conjugal trailer is not what we envisioned, but I promise you an embarrassingly outlandish honeymoon the moment I’m released. In the meantime, Lady Lawson.
Victoria: Ooh!
Emmet: Let’s make every minute count.
Victoria: Oh, yes. Let’s. But don’t forget.
Emmet: I know. I’ve been married before. Don’t touch the hair.

Joy: It was not Hungry Like the Wolf, you idiot.
Simon: I know. I also knew that if I could get your anger up enough, you’d come out and see me. The song was Karma Chameleon. And I thought, “oh, God, I hate that song.” I looked up and I saw you. Tight black jeans, white T-shirt, hair down to your waist. Then you turned around. And I thought, “well, I’m a goner, aren’t I?” So I got up, I walked over to you, and I said “You are the most beautiful girl I have ever seen in my life.” And you looked at me with those big, soft, brown eyes and you said–
Joy: “Bugger off, you drunken git.”
Simon: And I thought, “Simon, you’ve found yourself a real lady.”
Joy: Well, I’m no longer that angry, foul-mouthed little girl. Now, I’m an angry, foul-mouthed grown woman. Why the [bleep] haven’t I heard from you in 30 years?

Emmet: That was wonderful.
Victoria: Yeah.
Emmet: I can’t believe we broke the bed.
Victoria: Well, I think the couple before us might’ve loosened it up a bit. Oh, I love you.
Emmet: I love you too. In a few months, when I’m released, we’ll fly off to Paris.
Victoria: You’ll be my Jean Valjean.
Emmet: And you will be my Cosette.
Victoria: I think Cosette was kind of his daughter.
Emmet: Oh, never saw it.
Victoria: Oh, neither did I. It was, like, three hours and neither of us was in it. (phone chirps) Oh, it’s from your lawyer.”Tell Emmet ‘more charges, max time.'” Emmet what’s going on?
Emmet: Oh, God, Victoria. I didn’t tell you because my lawyer promised to make it all go away.
Victoria: Make what go away?
Emmet: More indictments. It seems my accountant got me involved in more shady deals than I realized. It’s almost certain that I’ll be in this place for another ten years.
Victoria: Ten years! Oh, my God, Emmet.
Emmet: Oh, this changes everything. I’ll arrange for a quick annulment so that you can live your life unchecked.
Victoria: No. No, no, Emmet. You are my husband, and I will wait for you.
Emmet: Darling, it’s getting late. Let’s talk this through in the morning, hmm? We’re still on our honeymoon remember.
Victoria: Mm.
Emmet: A suite in the hotel George V on the Champs-Elysees in Paris during the German occupation.

Simon: Your mother told me to go away and never come back.
Joy: You didn’t have to listen to her.
Simon: She’s scary!
Joy: She weighs 90 pounds.
Simon: It’s all muscle!
Joy: You never said good-bye. You you let me give birth on my own. And and you’ve never tried to get in touch with me. Why?
Simon: ‘Cause I’m a coward.
Joy: Well, it’s no fun if you’re just gonna admit to things before I can accuse you of them. So why are you here now, you bloody coward?
Simon: Because I want to apologize. Look, Joy, your mother pushed me away, but to be honest, I was kind of glad she gave me a way out. I was 17! I wasn’t ready to be a husband and a father.
Joy: And the last 30 years?
Simon: Did I mention I was a coward? Look, Joy, I’m sorry I ran out on you. I’m sorry I have a child out there who I’ll never know.
Joy: His name is Owen. He lives right here in Cleveland, and he’s lovely.
Simon: You know him? A him?
Joy: Yes, congratulations, Simon, it’s a boy. A healthy, 32-year-old boy.
Simon: 32 years? It makes me feel old.
Joy: You’re about to feel even older. You have a grandson too.
Simon: Oh, my God!
Joy: Little Wilbur. He has your jowls.
Simon: Ah, they’ll go away. And then they’ll reappear in about 40 years. Could I meet them? Do you think Owen would see me?
Joy: They’re out of town right now.
Simon: Well, why don’t I stay and meet them and maybe spend some time with you?
Joy: I suppose.
Simon: Joy, you know, when I saw you today you know, it sounds silly, but that first love thing is pretty powerful stuff, isn’t it?
Joy: It is.
Simon: How is it possible that you got even prettier? (phone chimes) Sorry. Oh! Ugh. Um, I have to go to London right away.
Joy: Of course. I mean, what made me think–
Simon: Oh, shut up. It’s work. Look, I got the exclusive rights to the royal christening.
Joy: The christening the actual christening? You’re gonna see William and Kate and the baby?
Simon: Yeah, and I was about to make a comment about the idiots that are interested in that kinda thing, but I’m gonna keep it to myself now! Look, uh, when are they back?
Joy: Next Thursday.
Simon: Then I’ll come back then. It’s a date?
Joy: It’s a date.
Simon: Right. Oh, hey, um I forgot something. (Simon kisses her) That oughta hold you.

Victoria: Emmet? Emmet!

Joy: Can you believe it? After all this time, my romance with Simon has been rekindled.
Elka: I guess two old, dry sticks can still make a spark.
Joy: You would know. You were there when fire was invented.

Victoria: He’s gone! Emmet escaped from prison disguised as me in my wig and my coat and my shoes.
Melanie: But those are my Jimmy Choos! Which is so not important right now. Oh, honey, what happened?
Victoria: Well, last night, we found out that there were more charges, and Emmet could be in jail for another ten years. I told him that I would wait for him, but he said that he didn’t –
Joy: Oh, Victoria! –
Melanie: Oh, sweetie. Oh, I’ll turn it off. No, it’s my doctor. Hello? Yes. Are you sure? Okay, yeah, I’ll come in tomorrow.
Joy: What is it? I thought the mole was okay.
Melanie: Different doctor. I’m pregnant.
Elka: On the plus side–
Melanie: Don’t you dare!

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Hot in Cleveland S04, Ep23 – Love is All Around

Season: 4
Episode: 23
Title: Love is All Around
Original Air Date: September 4, 2013


Guest Stars:
Mary Tyler Moore: Diane
Georgia Engel: Mamie
Valerie Harper: Angie
Cloris Leachman: Peg
George Hamilton: Robin
Jesse Tyler Ferguson: Wes
Edward ker: Rex
Echo Kellum: Johnny


Synopsis: It’s birth dates time of year. Joy wants to go out with her poetry professor, Robin. Elka wants to be reunited with her bowling team. Melanie wants to go out with Rex from Petsmart. Victoria is off the market so she instead asks for a meeting with a director to try and land a part in his next movie. At the bar Robin is over the moon for Elka and not Joy. One of Elka’s bowling team, Angie arrives. They hear a laugh and it’s Peg, but she’s with the wrong group of people. Melanie’s date turns out to be a plastic surgeon. She’s ecstatic. But when he marks her face up for tons of improvement she’s not so excited. The bowling team go to their table to find Diane waiting. The argue and go to different corners. Peg joins Victoria. Mamie joins Melanie. In the bathroom they discuss how bad their dates are going. Joy is upset that her date prefers Elka. Victoria announces the director has webbed hands. And they can see all the marks on Melanie’s face. Joy goes back to Robin with her dress considerably shorter. She winds up throwing in the towel. Melanie ends her date because she’s just super uncomfortable now. Victoria ends her meeting with Wes when she brings up the webbed hands. The three go out to check on the bowlers who have now made up and are getting along.


Click on either link to grab the fourth season of the show, it’s a great way to support the ladies and have some serious laughs.

Amazon Hot in Cleveland: Season 4

iTunes Hot in Cleveland, Season 4 – Hot in Cleveland


Favorite Quotes:

* Joy: Hey, everybody. Our group birthday is coming up, and I know exactly who I want to be fixed up with. I met a man this year who touched me deeply.
Elka: That could be half of Cleveland.

* Joy: Oh, come on. That last guy was perfect, except for the tail.
Victoria: Did you hear what you just said?

* Robin: It’s just well, Elka’s poetry is so profound. You can see the light shining from her soul.
Joy: That’s the Coor’s sign flashing off her hair.

* Victoria: We should introduce him to my date who has webbed hands.
Melanie: What? You mean like a frog?
Victoria: Oh, sure, like a frog or a duck, a platypus, none of which would draw comment if we were dining in a pond.

* Joy: I have got to show Robin that I’m just as desirable as a woman pushing 100.

* Melanie: I’m a monster! He marked things I never even noticed!
Elka: Don’t let that doctor see Joy. He’ll run out of ink.

* Robin: Wow, that dress is as short as a haiku now. I see what you’re doing.
Joy: Oh, do you?
Robin: You’re a beautiful woman, but I don’t value outward beauty much. Perhaps that’s because I’m so beautiful myself.
Joy: I give up.
Robin: Well, it doesn’t mean I wouldn’t toss you a bone and sleep with you.

* Melanie: Aw. That’s gonna be us one day. We should buy a bottle of wine and open it in 50 years.
Joy: I’ve got a better idea. Let’s buy a bottle of wine and open it tonight.


Transcript:

Joy: Hey, everybody. Our group birthday is coming up, and I know exactly who I want to be fixed up with. I met a man this year who touched me deeply.
Elka: That could be half of Cleveland.
Joy: It’s our poetry professor Robin York. He’s so spiritual and sensitive.
Melanie: Well, I want that guy that we met at the petsmart charities adoption thing. His name is Rex. Or maybe his dog’s name is Rex.
Victoria: Well, now that I’m engaged, of course, I don’t need an actual date. Which is a good thing, considering the freaks you guys have set me up with man boobs, conjoined twins, human tail.
Joy: Oh, come on. That last guy was perfect, except for the tail.
Victoria: Did you hear what you just said? No, no, this time, I just want a business date. I really want a part in the next Wes O’Rourke movie.
Joy: The indie film director?
Victoria: Yeah.
Joy: He went to school with my film Professor. I can make that happen.
Victoria: Excellent.
Mamie: [Knock on door] Knock, knock. Look what I brought.
Joy: Ooh, breakfast wine.
Mamie: It’s Glob wine, which stands for “Gorgeous ladies of bowling” wine.
Melanie: Gorgeous ladies of bowling?
Mamie: That was our team. 1962 and 1963 city champions.
Elka: They preempted the Cuban missile crisis speech for our championship game.
Mamie: You couldn’t walk around this city without hearing the sound of falling pins. And people crying because they thought the world was going to end.
Elka: We bought this wine and said we’d drink it together in 50 years.
Mamie: Only, we lost track of the others.
Elka: That’s what I want for my birth date reunite the old gang.
Melanie: Well, I can do that. Who are they?
Mamie: There’s Elka and me. All we need to find is Diane, Angie, and Peg.

Mamie: I’m a little nervous. We haven’t seen the other Glob girls in 50 years. What if we don’t recognize them?
Elka: I know. I mean, we look exactly the same, but they may have changed.
Melanie: Oh, there’s my date. Here, Rex!
Waiter: Excuse me, Ms. Chase? The gentleman over there would like for you to join him.
Victoria: Oh, my God. He’s here already.
Wes: Interior, bar. A woman approaches a table. A smile plays across her lips. No, it doesn’t. Yes, it does. She takes a seat, awkwardly. Blindly. Work in progress. I’m Wes O’Rourke.
Victoria: Oh, it is such an honor to meet you.
Wes: [Groans happily] I know.
Elka: Oh, there’s your professor, Joy.
Joy: So deep and sophisticated. It’s like the Leonard Cohen song he wants to touch my perfect body with his mind.
Mamie: I’d like to touch his perfect body with my hand. This may not be my first drink.
Robin: Elka, I was hoping when you said a friend of yours wanted dinner with me, it was just your clever way of asking me out.
Elka: [Laughs] Oh, your date isn’t with me. It’s with Joy.
Robin: Who?
Joy: Hello, Professor York.
Robin: Oh, Joy, of course. My mistake. Are you sure it’s not you?
Elka: Sorry.
Robin: [Chuckles] Joy, should we, uh, take a table?
Joy: I know it sounds crazy, but you almost seem disappointed to be with me and not Elka.
Robin: What? No, not at all. I’m looking forward to our evening. It’s just well, Elka’s poetry is so profound. You can see the light shining from her soul.
Joy: That’s the Coor’s sign flashing off her hair.
Melanie: Oh, you’re a doctor. Wow, that’s so great. You know, healing people, making a difference in their lives. So what’s your specialty?
Rex: I’m a plastic surgeon.
Melanie: [Squeaks] Oh! Oh, that’s you know, that’s interesting.
Angie: Excuse me. I’m looking for a couple of broads, about your size, but a lot older looking.
Mamie: Angie!
Elka: Angie!
[All laughing]
Angie: You two look great. Where’s everybody else?
Mamie: Diane probably won’t make it. We’re waiting for Peg.
Angie: Okay.
[Loud laughter]
Peg: You girls haven’t changed a bit.
Elka: Peg.
Peg: Elka! Mamie! Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute. Who the hell are you? Oh, I don’t care. Mamie. Oh! Oh, Elka! [Laughs] Oh! Angie! Oh! Wait a minute. Did I like you?
Angie: You always said you did.
Peg: Well, I’m a pathological liar.
Angie: Well, in that same spirit, I always liked you. [Laughs] Too bad Diane couldn’t make it.
Elka: Yeah.

Mamie: Someone’s at our table.
Diane: Hello, Globs!
Elka: Looks like she made it after all.
[All laughing]
Waiter: Okay, ladies, this wine’s gonna take about 20 minutes to breathe.
Angie: Look at us back together. [All laughing] Oh. Let’s see, Elka was the bombshell, I was the legs, Diane was the brains
Diane: No.
Angie: And Mamie Sue was the ditz.
Peg: No, you were the bombshell, Diane was the legs, and Mamie Sue was the ditz.
Elka: I was the legs. [Chuckles] Angie was the brains, and Mamie Sue was the ditz.
Mamie: Well, the joke’s on all of you. You’re not any of those things anymore, but I’m still ditzy.
Peg: Looking around this table I have to ask one question: How did you all get so old?
Angie: Well, it’s great to see you guys.
Peg: How did we let so many years go by?
Mamie: I know. Because after we won the championship, the fame went to our heads, and you all became divas, which led to a very ugly breakup.
Angie: Thanks, Mamie Sue. I think that was more of a rhetorical question.
Peg: Fame did not go to my head.
Angie: Oh, yeah? Who got the sponsor to cut the rest of us out of that Ovaltine commercial?
Peg: He only wanted me.
Elka: Yeah, and after he had you, you were in, and we were out.
Diane: That’s right. You were the tramp.
Peg: No, Elka was the tramp. Always backing up into a hand dryer, so it would blow her bowling skirt up.
Elka: That was an accident. Every time. At least I didn’t leave for another team.
Mamie: I just couldn’t stand Diane and Angie always fighting.
Peg: Yeah, your fight ruined our chance at the Life magazine cover.
Elka: Yeah, that’s what really broke up the team.
Angie: Yeah. How come she got to be in the center of every picture?
Diane: Because I had the smile.
Angie; Yeah, yeah, your smile was so big, it pushed the rest of us out of frame.
Diane: Better my smile than your hips.
Angie: Watch it, sunshine. Watch that mouth.
Elka: She was just kidding.
Angie: You have always said catty things–
Mamie: Stop it, you guys! It’s 1963 all over again. The wine needs 20 minutes to breathe, and I think we do too. Why don’t we take a break and get some fresh air?
Elka: Mamie Sue, we’re already outside.
Mamie: Fine. I’m going inside for some stale air.
Peg: Me too.
Elka: Me too.
Angie: Aren’t you going?
Diane: Why should I go? You go.
Angie: I’m not going anywhere.
Diane: Well, fine. Neither am I.
Angie: Fine.
Diane: Fine.
Angie: We’ll just sit here and say nothing to each other. Nothing at all. Not a thing. Not a word. Not one word.
Diane: Could that start now?

Wes: Question. Who are your top five Japanese directors?
Victoria: Only five? I will answer that excellent question as soon as we’ve ordered dinner. And I am certainly not the type of person who would say, “Siri, who are the top five Japanese directors?”
Wes: Let’s see, what’s good here? Huh. I’m thinking about the duck.
Victoria: So am I.

Melanie: My date is a plastic surgeon. Take a look at me right now. This is the worst I’m ever gonna look.
Victoria: We should introduce him to my date who has webbed hands.
Melanie: What? You mean like a frog?
Victoria: Oh, sure, like a frog or a duck, a platypus, none of which would draw comment if we were dining in a pond.
Melanie: Joy, how’s your date?
Joy: Hard to say.
Melanie: You’re not sure?
Joy: No. The words are literally hard to say. He prefers Elka to me. A 91-year-old woman to me.
Victoria: Webbed hands.
Melanie: Plastic surgeon. Sorry. It’s really fun to win.
Victoria: Okay, I just have to go out there and show him that I am a deep actress, who is unconcerned with superficial things, and just ignore the slight thwapping sound whenever he gestures.
Joy: I have got to show Robin that I’m just as desirable as a woman pushing 100.
Melanie: Well, I just need to play it cool. I can’t let him know how much I want him to knock me out and cut me up. ‘Cause that’s third-date talk.

Wes: And there are so many exciting new ways to tease the film on social media. There’s Twitter, uh, podcasts, webisodes.
Victoria: [Shakily] Please tell me more about your film. The part of Nora really speaks to me.
Wes: Oh, I don’t know. She’s a tortured, gritty character. You’re primarily known as a soap actress.
Victoria: Oh, please, after the Woody Allen movie, people don’t even think of me that way.
Peg: Hey! You’re Honor St. Raven. You were on that soap.
Victoria: Excuse me. What are you doing?
Peg: Oh, I’m with the old broads, but they’re fighting, so I’d rather sit with you and raggedy Andy here.
Wes: That’s nice.
Peg: Wow, you don’t see that every day.

Elka: Maybe it was a mistake to get the old gang together. You can’t escape the ghosts from the past.
Robin: That’s from your poem. Uh, “Midnight Lane.” It touched my soul.
Joy: You know what poem touched my soul? Your poem, “Shadow Lights,” in the New Yorker. I saw the sun as a metaphor for all the radiant beauty that’s just beyond our reach.
Robin: To be perfectly honest with you, the inspiration is right in front of me. You can see the radiance. Don’t you, Joy?
Joy: Yes. But like the sun, it’s it’s best not to look directly at it.

Mamie: Melanie, you’re the peacemaker in your group. What can I do to make the others get along?
Melanie: Mamie Sue, I’m I’m kind of in the middle of a date right now.
Mamie: Oh, I’m sorry. I’m being rude. I’m Mamie Sue Johnson.
Rex: Dr. Rex Swanson.
Mamie: Doctor? What’s your specialty?
Rex: I’m a plastic surgeon.
Mamie: Oh, Melanie, you must be so excited! A plastic surgeon is her number one dream date.
Melanie: No. What? [Laughs] Don’t be silly, Mamie Sue. Dr. Swanson is just my date. I have no interest in any new procedures or fillers or cutting-edge sculpting and lifting techniques that could make me look five to seven years younger with minimum recovery time.
Rex: Melanie, you’re a beautiful woman. I wouldn’t change a thing.
Melanie: Oh, you’re very sweet. [Chuckles] Yeah, but just for fun, if I was to come in for a consultation, is there anything you might make just a little teensy bit better?

Melanie: I’m a monster! He marked things I never even noticed!
Elka: Don’t let that doctor see Joy. He’ll run out of ink.
Joy: Oh, there’s that beautiful soul I’ve heard so much about.
Victoria: Joy, he’s still a guy. Hike up your skirt and show him how profound you are.
Mamie: What are you all doing here?
Elka: This is where we hang out when our birthdates are tanking.
Mamie: Well, I came to the right place. I don’t want us to fight.
Elka: I don’t want us to fight either. I’m sorry I said all those awful things about you.
Mamie: But you didn’t.
Elka: Check your Facebook page.
Peg: Come on, chickens, it’s wine time!
Mamie: Elka and I made up.
Peg: Oh, please, who even remembers what we fought about?
Mamie: That’s a good attitude.
Peg: No, I honestly don’t remember.
Mamie: So we’re all friends, but do you think Diane and Angie ever will be?
Elka: How about we go drink that wine and find out? [Chuckles]
Peg: Plastic surgeon?
Melanie: Yep.
Peg: I had my boobs done last year. No, I didn’t.

Angie: So.
Diane: So.
Angie: [Scoffs] This is ridiculous. We both know the real reason the team broke up.
Diane: Yes, we do.
Angie: I showed up tonight hoping that we could let bygones be bygones, also hoping that you had gotten fat.
Diane: Well I didn’t get fat. And I didn’t do a lot of things that you blame me for.
Angie: You stole my boyfriend, Diane.
Diane: He chased me.
Angie: You didn’t have to let him catch you. You two still married?
Diane: No. He was a putz.
Angie: Hey, I taught you that word.
Diane: Yes, you did.
Angie: You know, now that I think about it, he was a putz.
Diane: Mm-hmm.
Angie: Oh. You may have done me a favor.
Diane: You’re welcome. And I’m sorry.
Angie: Oh, no.
Diane: Oh.
Mamie: Maybe that’s what all the tension was about.

Robin: Wow, that dress is as short as a haiku now. I see what you’re doing.
Joy: Oh, do you?
Robin: You’re a beautiful woman, but I don’t value outward beauty much. Perhaps that’s because I’m so beautiful myself.
Joy: I give up.
Robin: Well, it doesn’t mean I wouldn’t toss you a bone and sleep with you.
Joy: I ought to slap you.
Robin: If only Elka were saying those words.

Melanie: Oh, Rex, you know what? You’ve been very sweet but, all I keep thinking about is all the flaws that you’re seeing. You know what, I just don’t think this is going to work.
Rex: Oh maybe you are right. Now that you have turned on the doctor switch all I can see are the 12 obvious ways you can be improved.
Melanie: You only marked 10.
Rex: That’s when I thought we were still on a date.
Melanie: How dare you? You know, but do leave your card.

Wes: And did you recognize which scene was my homage to Eisenstein’s Potemkin?
Victoria: Look, I I can’t do this anymore. I haven’t understood one word you’ve said all night. I don’t know Japanese directors. I’m not introspective or esoteric. But I can do this part. I swear I can.
Wes: Finally, that’s the honesty I have been searching for. This is exactly what the character needs. Show me more of that honesty. Deeper, darker. Hurt me with it.
Victoria: I’m selfish.
Wes: Yes.
Victoria: And I’m vain.
Wes: Yes.
Victoria: And I’m really freaked out by your webbed hands.
Wes: Well, that’s just mean.
[Deep pop]
Victoria: Look I am really, really sorry. But you said to hurt you. Tell me how I can make it up to you.
Wes: Get me a job directing a tv show.
Victoria: What?
Wes: There’s no money in independent films. Last night’s dinner was a Slim Jim and a cigarette. You got this right?

Peg: Did I say stop?
Mamie: No more fighting?
Angie: Yes, the past is the past. Right, kid?
Diane: You betcha.
Mamie: We’re all gonna talk nice to each other.
[Light laughter]
Angie: So um, do you have grandkids?
Mamie: Eight. Almost all grown.
Diane: Oh, isn’t that nice?
Mamie: It really is. It really is.
Peg: No, it isn’t. It’s boring. This isn’t us.
Elka: She’s right. We didn’t come here for old lady chitchat. We came here because we’re champions.
[Laughter]
Mamie: We were pretty good.
Angie: What are you talking about? We were the best there ever was.
Peg: That’s right.
Elka: A classic.
Diane: Every Saturday night, all eyes were on us.
Angie: That’s true. They even liked this one.
Peg: Well, I had sex appeal. In fact, uh, I still do.
Angie: Really? Where do you keep it? The basement?
Diane: Now, this is us.
Angie: Yeah, we had our differences, but we went out on top.
Peg: Yeah, just like my husband.
Elka: At least he died doing something he loved.
Peg: That’s right cheating on me.
[Overlapping chatter]
Melanie: Aw. That’s gonna be us one day. We should buy a bottle of wine and open it in 50 years.
Joy: I’ve got a better idea. Let’s buy a bottle of wine and open it tonight.
Wes: Victoria, I’m leaving. I look forward to seeing your audition in Los Angeles.
Victoria: Thank you. Yeah. I look forward to it as well.
Wes: You’re so sweet.
Victoria: [Whimpers]
Peg: Hey, director. Why don’t you do a show about us?
Elka: Oh, that’s a good idea!
[Overlapping chatter]
Angie: That would be great.
Wes: I’m sorry, I don’t see it.
Angie: I’d like to make a toast to us. To friendship. To our championship seasons.
All: To us! [Laughter] Champions! Bowlers from heaven.
[Chuckles] [Overlapping chatter] [Kitten meows] [Upbeat music] [Whistles]

Hot in Cleveland S04, Ep22 – All My Exes

Season: 4
Episode: 22
Title: All My Exes
Original Air Date: August 28, 2013


Guest Stars:
Georgia Engel: Mamie
Encrio Colantoni: Julian
Kelly Schumann: Sally
Brody Hutzler: Andy
Jeffery De Serrano: Guard


Synopsis: Victoria’s shoes arrive for her wedding. The ladies are getting ready to go to Vegas for her bachelorette party. However, Victoria falls down the stairs and then gets smacked in the head by a door, knocking her out. She winds up in the hospital with a slight concussion and has to stay overnight. Mamie and Elka check themselves in. Victoria decides to contact all her ex-husbands to find out what went wrong. It doesn’t go well. They all tell her that she never made them feel like she needed them. Meanwhile, Melanie and Joy find a cute guy who’s been in a coma for 25 years. They fight over him and fantasize. Joy accidentally unplugs his machines. But then he wakes up and kicks them out. They go back to Victoria’s room to find Mamie and Elka but no Victoria. She left a note saying she went to the prison. The guard won’t let her see Emmet, but he does give him her message.


Click on either link to grab the fourth season of the show, it’s a great way to support the ladies and have some serious laughs.

Amazon Hot in Cleveland: Season 4

iTunes Hot in Cleveland, Season 4 – Hot in Cleveland


Favorite Quotes:

* Elka: Aren’t you guys a little long in the tooth for silly superstition?
Joy: Long in the tooth? This from the woman who walked into Caesar’s Palace and said, “wasn’t really like this.”
Elka: Said the loosest slot in Vegas.

* Victoria: I don’t know. You know, they say the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. Well, I have had five failed marriages.
Joy: Six. You always forget me.

* Elka: Oh, relax. What happens in orthopedics stays in orthopedics.
Mamie: Just like Vegas.

* Melanie: Look at his beautiful coma skin. You’d never guess he was in his 40s.
Joy: No sun, no stress. It’s like botox without the needles.

* Julian: My work was nominated for a Nobel prize.
Victoria: And my work won an Emmy.
Julian: A daytime Emmy.
Victoria: They all feel the same in the dark.

* Joy: Okay. That didn’t happen. Nobody saw. No harm, no foul.
Melanie: He’s waking up.
Joy: Oh, my god. I’ve rebooted coma guy.

* Andy: Oh, my god. What happened to my face? Look at these wrinkles. Oh, my god, gray hair?
Joy: Who’s the middle-aged mom now, coma douche?

* Melanie: Now, we don’t know what Julian said, but you know he’s toxic. So whatever he said, do the opposite.
Victoria: He said I’m a remarkable woman and I should never change.
Joy: Well, then, I’m glad I keyed his car. Wait, what?


Transcript:

Elka: Vegas, baby!
Melanie: You know, you can’t spend the whole time gambling. This trip is a bachelorette party for Victoria.
Elka: Where is she anyway?
Melanie: Oh, her shoes were just delivered, and it’s bad luck for the bride not to try her wedding shoes on as soon as they arrive.
Elka: Aren’t you guys a little long in the tooth for silly superstition?
Joy: Long in the tooth? This from the woman who walked into Caesar’s Palace and said, “wasn’t really like this.”
Elka: Said the loosest slot in Vegas.
Victoria: Everyone, I have a major announcement.
Melanie: Oh, Victoria.
Victoria: I’ve never felt more beautiful and graceful. I feel like I’m walking on air.
[Victoria falls down the stairs]
Joy: Are you okay?
Victoria: I’m fine. Okay.
Mamie: Vegas, baby.

Mamie: Victoria, I feel terrible.
Victoria: Oh, it was an accident. And on the plus side, I scored the hospital celebrity suite. The Shah of Somewhere-istan was admitted the same time as me, and they put him in a double.
Melanie: Don’t you feel bad about that? I mean, he seemed really sick.
Victoria: Oh, please, he doesn’t even know where he is. He was babbling incoherently.
Joy: He was speaking his language.
Sally: Victoria, great news. It was just a mild concussion.
Victoria: Oh.
Sally: We’re keeping you overnight for observation, but we’re listing you as stable.
Elka: That’s a first.
Melanie: Sally, once again, congratulations on your nursing degree.
Joy: Yeah, your family must be very proud.
Victoria: Yes. Very. Sally was it?
Sally: I’m your next door neighbor. You gave me a makeover. I work in your vet’s office. You told my five-year-old daughter to get her upper lip waxed.
Victoria: Oh, yes. Yes. The little girl I saved from terrible teasing. Oh, like Tom Selleck in a sun dress.
Sally: I hear congratulations are in order for you and Emmet Lawson, too.
Victoria: Oh, thank you. Yes, sir Emmet and I have been on a lot of magazine covers.
Sally: Oh, and the punch line on all the late night shows. You’ve gotta have a pretty thick skin to be in your business.
Victoria: Well, if you can’t take a joke what are you referring to exactly?
Sally: Well, Leno had this great joke last night about how you and Emmet have Plus he’s in prison. Leno was like, “even Lindsay Lohan said, ‘are they sure they know what they’re doing?’ ”
Elka: We were supposed to see Leno in Vegas tonight.
Mamie: And gamble and get room service and massages.
Elka: Yeah. Not to mention that Vegas is a great place to meet guys our age.
Sally: Lot of guys your age in this place too. Hip replacement unit, third floor. Just saying.
Mamie: Should we check it out?
Elka: Why not? They can’t run away.
Victoria (sighs)
Melanie: Oh, honey, you okay?
Victoria: I don’t know. You know, they say the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. Well, I have had five failed marriages.
Joy: Six. You always forget me.
Victoria: What makes me think this one will be different? You know, I always blame my ex-husbands on the failure of my marriages, but could it be that I had something to do with it?
Melanie: Oh, no.
Joy: No, never you.
Victoria: Please. You both have always been blind to my faults, but it’s possible. You know what? I am going to get in touch with all of my exes and ask them what I could have done to be a better wife.
Melanie: Even he who must never be mentioned?
Victoria: Yes, even he.
Joy: Honey, I’m not saying this is a bad idea, but you are not the best at handling criticism.
Victoria: How dare you say that I mean, thank you, dear friend, for your well-intentioned, but wildly inaccurate feedback.

Mamie: I can’t believe you were so brazen.
Elka: Oh, relax. What happens in orthopedics stays in orthopedics.
Mamie: Just like Vegas. Only if we were in Vegas, we’d be kicking back in our comfy beds and ordering room service and talking about what we’ll bet on.
Elka: Well, I see two comfy beds right in here.
Mamie: We can’t do that. We’ll get into trouble.
Elka: We’re too old broads in a hospital. Who’s gonna ask questions? Cleveland clinic, baby.

Victoria: “So in answer to your question, Victoria, you were a terrible wife. You made me feel diminished as a man. It took years of therapy to undo the damage you did.” Wow.
Joy: Oh, honey, it’s just one angry email.
Victoria: Email? He posted this as his Facebook status.
Melanie: Victoria, why are you doing this? There’s a reason you told us to never show you bad reviews.
Victoria: Yes, because if you never see something terrible it’s as if it doesn’t exist. You know, like back fat or NBC.
(phone chimes)
Melanie: Oh, who’s that?
Joy: Is it he who must never be mentioned?
Victoria: No, it’s Jesse.
Joy: Oh, well, we know why that marriage didn’t work.
Victoria: Hi, Jesse.
Jesse: Well, if it isn’t the woman who turned me gay.
Victoria: All right, you know what, this might get a little heated. Maybe you should just–
Melanie: Oh, we’ll give you some privacy.

Melanie: So this is good, right? Victoria contacting her exes? I mean, she rushed into all her other marriages without even thinking.
Joy: I don’t know. The last time she took a long, hard look at herself she sued Neiman Marcus over the harsh lighting in the dressing rooms.
Melanie: Ooh. There’s a cute guy. A handsome, sleeping mystery man.
Joy: His name is Andy Gordon. 6′ 1″, single.
Melanie: So far, so good.
Joy: And he’s been in a coma for 25 years.
Melanie: He’s still single. I bet he’d like a visitor.
Joy: What a tragedy.
Melanie: Look at his beautiful coma skin. You’d never guess he was in his 40s.
Joy: No sun, no stress. It’s like botox without the needles. You know, just looking at him, I can tell he’s my type. Deep, complicated, emotionally distant. Trying to escape the influence of an overbearing mother and an absent father.
Melanie: Oh, please, that’s not him. That’s you. No, clearly he’s much more of a boy next door. Aren’t ya, Andy? The kind of guy that can light up any room just by being rolled into it.
Joy: Don’t listen to her, Andy. She doesn’t know you like I do.
Melanie: You know, he looks a little chilly. Why don’t you go ask the nurse for another blanket?
Joy: And leave you two alone? I don’t think so.

Melanie: Hey, we got your text. What did Jesse say?
Victoria: Oh, he said I made him feel invisible. That our marriage was like the Victoria Chase show and he was just a supporting actor. Of course, when I pointed out that I’m still supporting him financially, suddenly Glee was on and he had to scoot.
Joy: Have you heard from any of your other exes?
Victoria: Mm. Not from Ernie or from he who must never be mentioned.
Mamie: Why must he never be mentioned?
Victoria: Because he broke my heart. Badly. Anyway, now I am going to video chat with Clark. He’s in Nairobi.
Joy: Why are you two in hospital robes?
Mamie: We checked in. Turns out a hospital and Vegas aren’t that different. We have cable TV, room service –
Elka: Well, there may not be male strippers, there are a lot guys with gowns open in the back.
Barry: Hello, mother.
Victoria: Oh, no. It’s not Clark. It’s his parrot. We’re sworn enemies.
Barry: Victoria’s a bitch.
Elka: I love that bird.
Joy: You realize he’s a parrot. He only repeats what others have said.
Victoria: Oh, not this parrot. He’s vicious.
Barry: Victoria’s bad in bed.
Victoria: This little beady-eyed pervert used to watch us.
Barry: Lays there like a lox. Lays there like a lox.
Victoria: You know, there’s a lot of movement you can’t see, Barry.
Barry: Good-bye, mother.
Victoria: Oh Maybe this was a stupid idea getting in touch with my exes.
Julian: Hello, Victoria.
Elka: Who’s that?
Melanie: He who must never be mentioned.
Victoria: Oh Oh, my god, Julian, what are you doing here?
Julian: Well, I got your email. You said you were in the hospital.
Victoria: And you flew all the way here from Los Angeles just to see me?
Julian: You sent the email an hour ago. I see your grasp of time and geography haven’t changed. No, I was here at the Cleveland clinic already. I have a transplant this afternoon.
Victoria: Mm. Dr. Julian Cortese is a highly respected brain surgeon.
Julian: Heart surgeon.
Victoria: Well, the heart is the brain of the chest so I’m not entirely wrong, am I?
Julian: Yes, you’re entirely wrong.
Victoria: You remember Melanie and Joy, of course. And and this is Elka and Mamie Sue.
Elka: So who’s getting the new ticker?
Julian: The Shah of Kafiristan. It’s odd he’s sharing a tiny room with a kid with measles.
Mamie: Elka, we should get going. We have wink, wink physical therapy.
Elka: Mamie Sue, you don’t say “wink, wink”. You just wink.
Mamie: Dr. Cortese? I enjoyed your paper on cytomegalovirus serology in transplant recipients.
Julian: Thank you.
Mamie: What? I like to read when I’m getting my nails done.
Julian: So how long’s it been?
Victoria: 20 years.
Julian: Wow. I guess this is the place where we tell each other we haven’t changed a bit.
Victoria: Yeah, well, you better.
Julian: You look beautiful, Victoria.
Melanie: Aww.
Joy: Aww.
Melanie: Yeah, right. We’ll go.
Joy: Yeah.
Julian: So, let’s talk.

Mamie: A little lower, dear.
Sally: The results came in from the Johnson birth and congratulations, 7 pounds, 5 ounces.
Elka: We got the under.
Mamie: I knew most of that was placenta.
Sally: Mamie Sue, I see you signed up for the sponge bath with Johan.
Mamie: I didn’t sign up for a sponge bath.
Elka: I comped you, dear. Enjoy.

Julian: I know it was a long time ago, but I really am sorry for how I ended things with you.
Victoria: Thank you. I-I appreciate that. But right now I need to figure out what I did wrong. I mean, it certainly couldn’t have been easy that my work was so much more important than yours was.
Julian: What are you talking about? That doesn’t even make any sense.
Victoria: Well, you don’t have to be a brain surgeon, which you aren’t to know that I had a more profound effect on the world.
Julian: You’re an actress. I’ve saved lives. I’ve transplanted thousands of hearts.
Victoria: And I have touched millions of hearts with my moving portrayals of strong women overcoming impossible odds.
Julian: My work was nominated for a Nobel prize.
Victoria: And my work won an Emmy.
Julian: A daytime Emmy.
Victoria: They all feel the same in the dark.
Julian: This is how it always went. You drive me nuts.
Victoria: Yeah, well, then why did you come here?
Julian: Because your email, it sounded like maybe for the first time since we’ve known each other that you might actually need me.
Victoria: What do you mean?
Julian: If you really wanna know the truth about what ended our marriage, it was that. I never felt needed. A man needs to feel needed.
Victoria: But men hate needy women.
Julian: No, there’s a difference between being helpless and making someone feel unnecessary. You know that, um, that image women have of a knight on a white horse? It’s not just women that want that. A man wants to be that. And you put this wall around you. I know you need your friends and you need your work, but have you ever really needed a man? Uh I’m sorry if that just hurt you.
Victoria: Actually, you’re not the first ex-husband who said that to me today. But I really want my next marriage to be different, and and maybe I can change.
Julian: You can’t change. You shouldn’t change. You’re an amazing, exciting, remarkable woman. It makes you easy to fall in love with. But hard to be married to.

Melanie: Why can’t you accept that he’s a morning person who prefers white wine and loves to turn a stranger into a friend.
Joy: Because, clearly he’s a night person who loves red wine, has a sensible distaste for humanity, and would totally get my poetry.
Melanie: Nobody gets your poetry. Especially someone who likes to watch Sleepless in Seattle and Love Actually over and over and isn’t afraid to cry just a little every time.
Joy: You know what would make him cry? “Punctured Heart”, by Joy Scroggs. The frozen bird–
Melanie: Please, God. Not Punctured Heart.
Joy: Fine. His lips look dry. I’ll get the ice chips.
Melanie: No, I’ll get the ice chips. What did you do? Plug him back in!
Joy: Okay. That didn’t happen. Nobody saw. No harm, no foul.
Melanie: He’s waking up.
Joy: Oh, my god. I’ve rebooted coma guy.
Andy: Hello?
Melanie: He’s coming to. This is a miracle! How’s my hair?
Andy: Nurse.
Joy: Don’t worry, Andy. We’ll get the nurse, but we won’t leave your side.
Andy: Go away.
Melanie: Sorry, Joy, he just wants me.
Andy: No. I don’t want either one of you. Your poetry sucks, and I am not a morning person.
Joy: You heard everything we said?
Andy: Yeah, it was torture. Look, I’m just a guy who likes to skateboard behind buses. Instead I got two middle-aged moms talking my ear off.
Joy: “Middle-aged”? How old do you think you are?
Andy: I’m 19, dude.
Joy: Really?
Andy: Oh, my god. What happened to my face? Look at these wrinkles. Oh, my god, gray hair?
Joy: Who’s the middle-aged mom now, coma douche?
Melanie: Oh, it’s a text from Elka. You don’t even know what that is.

Melanie: What’s going on?
Elka: We got kicked out of our room.
Mamie: And I’m only half-sponged.
Joy: Where’s Victoria?
Mamie: She was gone when we got here.
Melanie: Oh, no. “I’ve gone to the prison to end my engagement to Emmet. I didn’t tell you because I knew you’d stop me and try to talk me out of it.”
Joy: Oh, my god. We’ve got to stop her and try to talk her out of it.

Guard: I’m sorry, ma’am. Visiting hours are over.
Victoria: Oh, please? I need to tell him something before I lose my nerve.
Guard: There’s nothing I can do.
Victoria: Oh, there must be something you can do. I-I mean, I’m sure that a hard-working, but poorly paid man like you probably wouldn’t take a bribe.
Guard: I wouldn’t.
Victoria: And you wouldn’t know anyone else who would take a bribe?
Guard: I would not.
Victoria: Oh, please?
Guard: All right. I’ll ask my supervisor if there’s something we can do.’
Victoria: Thank you. I specifically told you not to come here.
Joy: What kind of friends would we be if we did the things you asked?
Melanie: Now, we don’t know what Julian said, but you know he’s toxic. So whatever he said, do the opposite.
Victoria: He said I’m a remarkable woman and I should never change.
Joy: Well, then, I’m glad I keyed his car. Wait, what?
Victoria: It’s not just him. Julian just made clear what all my exes were telling me. I put up a wall around me and I don’t make them feel needed and and I-I can’t do that to Emmet. And you both know that I can’t change.
Melanie: But you have changed. We’ve seen you with all your husbands. And you’re different with Emmet. You’re open and vulnerable with him.
Joy: You’re almost like a normal woman. I wrote a poem about it called Heart Shadows. The bleak, dark, ooze –
Melanie: Not now, Joy. Listen, we spent all day fantasizing that a guy in a coma was everything we wanted in a man. Honey, you have that for real. Do not throw it away. You love him.
Victoria: I’m doing this because I love him.
Guard: I’m sorry, ma’am. There’s nothing I can do. Come back tomorrow.
Victoria: No, I can’t leave now knowing that he’s 20 feet away and I can’t talk to him.
Guard: You’re wasting your time.
Victoria: No, no, no, wait. You don’t understand. Look, I need to see him, I need to talk to him. I need him.
Guard: Okay. Maybe I can get a message to him. What do you want me to say?
Victoria: Just tell him I need him.
Guard: That’s it?
Victoria: That’s huge. Just please go tell him. I need him.

Hot in Cleveland S04, Ep21 – Corpse Bride

Season: 4
Episode: 21
Title: Corpse Bride
Original Air Date: August 21, 2013


Guest Stars:
Georgia Engel: Mamie
Chris Williams: Dr. Greenly
Yeardley Smith: Margaret
Michael Croner: Jason


Synopsis: Melanie goes to her boyfriend Harry’s apartment to break it off with him, but finds him dead. The ladies come over to wait with her until his cousin arrives. Victoria finds an engagement ring. She convinces Melanie to try it on. While wearing it Margaret, Harry’s cousin, arrives. Upon seeing it she believes they were engaged. Joy keeps avoiding her mother’s phone calls. Victoria is sent an electric ab belt from the Mrs. Ladypants company to try out. The next day she is wearing it but can’t get it off. Melanie comes in the kitchen and announces that she is hosting the wake for Harry. Later that evening the wake is going on. Victoria is trapped in the belt and it’s malfunctioning. Joy’s previous therapist, Dr. Greenly, is at the wake. Harry was his patient. Dr. Greenly asks Joy why she stopped seeing him. She admits she was attracted to him. He admits he’s attracted to her and asks her out to dinner. Meanwhile, Melanie is informed she is giving the eulogy and freaks because she has no clue what to say. Harry’s son gives his speech first. As it closes Victoria accidentally spills vodka on her electric belt, and sets herself on fire. Melanie assists in putting out the fire and cutting off the belt. Joy comes in from the back yard with a notepad. She tells them that she has been avoiding her moms calls because her dad died and left her something, but she’s been avoiding it. She wrote out what she would like to say to him. Melanie steals it for her eulogy, but manages to also include Joy’s dad and help give her closure. Weeks later, Joy receives what her father left her. It’s a portrait of her as a child that he painted.


Click on either link to grab the fourth season of the show, it’s a great way to support the ladies and have some serious laughs.

Amazon Hot in Cleveland: Season 4

iTunes Hot in Cleveland, Season 4 – Hot in Cleveland


Favorite Quotes:

* Joy: You two are suspiciously quiet. What are you up to?
Mamie: We’re thinking of jokes. Craig Olson at the senior center is turning 100. Elka and I are doing a roast.
Victoria: A roast? At that age, are you sure it isn’t a cremation?

* Joy: Yeah, for instance, if I was going to roast Elka, I might say, “I’m not saying Elka’s old, but she babysat Jesus.”
Elka: I’m not saying Joy’s flat-chested. But I saw a picture of her breasts on a milk carton.
Joy: Very funny.
Elka: Because they’re missing.
Joy: Got it.

* Mamie: Right. Here’s your drink.
Elka: Perfect.
Joy: Was that straight vodka?
Elka: (slurring) I like to be loose before I do a set.

* Melanie: Why do I smell popcorn?
Victoria: I tried to get this thing off by buttering myself, and now I’m cooking.

* Dr. Greenly: So you’re saying being at a funeral right now isn’t triggering anything for you?
Joy: Look, if Dr. Greenly keeps asking questions, John is not gonna get lucky tonight.
Dr. Greenly: Tonight? Look, I just brought Dr. Greenly ’cause he’s a friend of my sister’s.

* Melanie: Oh, thank God you caught on fire. You saved me.
Victoria: Yeah, that’s why I did it.

* Melanie: Seriously, now I have to follow that speech? I’m in agony.
Victoria: Oh, really, Melanie? Agony? What is that smell? Fresh-cooked hamburger? Steak on the grill? No, it’s my flesh!


Transcript:

Joy: You two are suspiciously quiet. What are you up to?
Mamie: We’re thinking of jokes. Craig Olson at the senior center is turning 100. Elka and I are doing a roast.
Victoria: A roast? At that age, are you sure it isn’t a cremation? So what do you have so far?
Elka: “I’m not saying Craig has an enlarged prostate, but if he put a hat on it, he could drive in the carpool lane.” Boom.
Mamie: My turn. “I’m not saying Craig loves going on cruises, but last month he went to the Bahamas.” See, it’s funny because it’s true.
Victoria: Mamie, in a roast you’re supposed to take an element of the person you’re roasting and exaggerate it for comic effect.
Joy: Yeah, for instance, if I was going to roast Elka, I might say, “I’m not saying Elka’s old, but she babysat Jesus.”
Elka: I’m not saying Joy’s flat-chested. But I saw a picture of her breasts on a milk carton.
Joy: Very funny.
Elka: Because they’re missing.
Joy: Got it.
(cell rings)
Victoria: Joy, is that from your mother again? Maybe you should take it.
Joy: No. I mean, I’m sure it’s just about her latest boyfriend. If I wanted to hear an old woman bitch about men–
Mamie: You’d just stay home and listen to yourself?
Melanie: Okay, we better get going if I’m gonna break up with Harry before we go to the movies.
Mamie: Who’s Harry?
Melanie: Oh, he’s just this guy I’ve been trying to break up with for the last few weeks.
Mamie: So what’s wrong with him?
Melanie: Oh, he’s nice. He’s just, you know, way too into me. And he over-pronounces Spanish words. Last night, he made me tah-cos. And he talks too much. He just goes on and on and on. I have never gotten through a conversation without zoning out. And I don’t mean to sound superficial, but he’s really hairy. And his name is Harry, so there’s no getting around it.

Melanie: Harry? Harry, the door was open. Harry, don’t be scared. It’s just me. Harry. Oh, my God! Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
Joy: Are you absolutely sure he’s dead?
Melanie: He’s lying in bed ice cold.
Mamie: My husband did that for years, and he wasn’t dead. Did you whisper in his ear how much you want to have sex?
Melanie: Of course not.
Elka: Sometimes it’s the only way you can know for sure.
Joy: Did Harry ever mention being ill?
Melanie: I do kind of remember during one of his long, rambling speeches he said something about a hole in his heart. I thought he just meant he was lonely. Ugh, I just wish his cousin would get here soon.
Mamie: I’m not saying Melanie’s a heart-breaker, but there’s a dead guy in there. Too soon?
Victoria: Hey, what’s this? “To my darling Melanie. Love, Harry.” It’s a ring.
Melanie: Oh, I told you he was moving too fast.
Elka: Well, he’s not moving too fast anymore.
Victoria: I’d say 3 karats.
Melanie: Oh, just put that back.
Joy: You should open it.
Melanie: I can’t open a gift from a dead man.
Mamie: He probably bought it when he was still alive.
Melanie: No. I would feel like a bad person.
Joy: Not me.
Melanie: Oh! Oh, clear, square-cut, platinum setting. That’s my dream ring.
Joy: Try it on.
Melanie: No. Again. Bad person.
Victoria: How else will you know for the future if it’s a flattering style for your finger?
Melanie: Okay, I’ll try it on, but just for the record, I do not feel good about this. Oh, it’s so pretty.
Victoria: It is stunning.
Melanie: Oh, that’s his cousin. Okay, everybody, look sad. Oh, Margaret, I’m so sorry.
Margaret: Oh, Melanie, you poor thing. Even though we all knew with Harry’s heart condition he could go at any time, you must be devastated. Oh, my God. Grandma’s ring. Harry proposed and you accepted? Darling, welcome to the family.

Joy: Mom, I don’t want it, and I don’t want to talk about him anymore. No, I haven’t told my friends about it. Melanie just walked in. Got to go.
Melanie: Guess who’s hosting Harry’s wake.
Joy: What?
Melanie: I was out casket shopping with his family Oh, my God, they’re all long talkers. I zoned out, and I thought someone asked me if I was awake. Turns out they asked me if I would host the wake. What are you doing Tuesday night?
Joy: Ooh, busy.
Melanie: Yeah, good, ’cause it’s Wednesday.
Victoria: I have a major announcement to make. This box is from the Ozawa Industrial Brothers.
Melanie: The ladypants people?
Joy: You’re gonna wear diapers again?
Victoria: They weren’t diapers. They were absorbent pants for women on the go who need to go, and I was proud to endorse them. Please don’t be diapers. Please don’t be diapers.
Melanie: Please be diapers. Please be diapers.
Victoria: Please don’t be diap Oh, thank God. It’s an exercise belt.
Joy: That you pee in?
Victoria: Oh, God, I hope not. “Dear Chase Victoria, international face of incontinence. Let us safely and effortlessly electrocute your abdomen into shape with newest Ozawa Brothers product, Mrs. Lady Abs. Also enclosed is your check money.” Oh, my God. Look at all those zeroes. Oh, I could really use those ladypants right now.

Melanie: Hello. Oh, hi, Ms. Scroggs, how are you?
Joy: I’m not here.
Melanie: Oh no. Rejoyla’s not here. She’s at the circus. Because she’s friends with the trapeze lady. I’ll just tell her you called. How am I gonna get through this evening? I am a terrible liar.
Joy: You did okay with that Tuesday-Wednesday thing.
Victoria: Guess who’s wearing something wonderful that no one can see?
Elka: It’s called a bra. Get over it.
Victoria: I was referring to my Mrs. Lady Abs toning belt, which is sending thousands of tiny electrical pulses, tightening my abs as we speak. And the belt is so smooth that n n n nobody knows you’re wearing it.
Joy: Victoria, what number did you set that thing on?
Victoria: Well, last night I could hardly feel it, so I turned it up to the highest setting, “super max-fry muscle scramble,” and I guess it got stuck on the n n n number.
Elka: Come on, Mamie Sue, we’ve got a roast to go to.
Mamie: Right. Here’s your drink.
Elka: Perfect.
Joy: Was that straight vodka?
Elka: I like to be loose before I do a set.

Margaret: So that was Harry’s seventh birthday. Oh, I didn’t tell you about the cake. It was chocolate. No, it was white with chocolate frosting. No, what am I thinking? That was a pie birthday.
Joy: Could I steal Melanie for a second?
Melanie: Yes, please.
Joy: I have a big problem. Dr. Greenly is here.
Melanie: Who?
Joy: The shrink I had to stop seeing ’cause I was having all those sexy dreams about him.
Melanie: Oh, where?
Joy: Over by the fireplace. Don’t turn around. Ah, he saw me. He’s coming over.
Dr. Greenly: Hi, Joy. This is a surprise.
Joy: Yes. This is my friend Melanie.
Dr. Greenly: My heart goes out to you.
Melanie: Why? Oh Thank you.
Dr. Greenly: Harry was a patient of mine. He spoke at great length about you.
Melanie: I bet he did.
Margaret: Melanie, come meet cousin Beth. She’s just flown in from Mejico.
Dr Greenly: So, Joy
Joy: So, Dr.Greenly.
Dr. Greenly: I don’t mean to put you on the spot, but I always wondered why you suddenly stopped seeing me. We were making such great progress. You know, really getting into some of the issues that you had with your father.
Joy: Can I be perfectly honest?
Dr. Greenly: Of course.
Joy: I know it’s the biggest cliché, but I can tell you now since you’re no longer my doctor. I was attracted to you.
Dr. Greenly: Oh. Well, I guess I can tell you, since you’re no longer my patient, that I was attracted to you.
Joy: Wow.
Dr. Greenly: You know, speaking not as Dr. Greenly, but just as a guy named John, would you like to have dinner sometime?
Joy: I would, John. But could I speak to Dr. Greenly for just one second?
Dr. Greenly: Sure. How can I help you, Joy?
Joy: Dr. Greenly, given my history with men, do you think I should date my former therapist?
Dr. Greenly: I do. Wow, that guy seemed really smart.
Victoria: Joy, could I see you in the kitchen?
Joy: Right now?
Victoria: Yes, right n n n now.
Melanie: I never hosted a wake before. Do you know how long these things generally go?
Margaret: Oh, not long. People should start to drift out soon after you give the eulogy.

Victoria: The shocks are getting worse.
Joy: I can’t get it off. The latch is broken.
Melanie: Guess who’s giving the eulogy?
Joy: Seriously?
Victoria: You said you’d give the eulogy?
Melanie: I don’t remember doing it, but his family is so boring. You zone out, and when their mouths stop moving, you just nod your head.
Victoria: So now say no.
Melanie: I can’t. Jason is depending on me.
Joy: Who’s Jason?
Melanie: I don’t know. What am I gonna say?
Victoria: Well, I don’t know. But if I don’t get this thing off soon, you’re gonna be giving my eulogy.
Melanie: See, your eulogy would be fun to write. I have genuine feelings for you. Harry’s family is expecting a grieving fiancée eulogy, and the truth is I barely knew the man. Why do I smell popcorn?
Victoria: I tried to get this thing off by buttering myself, and now I’m cooking.

Joy: So as a professional you wouldn’t date me if I was really screwed up, would you?
Dr. Greenly: Stop fishing.
(cell chirps)
Joy: Sorry. Oof. It’s nothing. It’s my mother.
Dr. Greenly: At the risk of sounding like Dr. Greenly, when you say it’s nothing, it’s often because you’re avoiding something.
Joy: Isn’t it sometimes healthy to avoid something you know is gonna make you feel bad?
Dr. Greenly: Not if it keeps you in denial.
Joy: Look, I know where you’re going with this, but I’ve dealt with it. I’m fine.
Dr. Greenly: So you’re saying being at a funeral right now isn’t triggering anything for you?
Joy: Look, if Dr. Greenly keeps asking questions, John is not gonna get lucky tonight.
Dr. Greenly: Tonight? Look, I just brought Dr. Greenly ’cause he’s a friend of my sister’s.

Victoria: Tech support put me on hold again.
Melanie: Okay, listen, here’s what I have so far. Webster’s defines eulogy as a speech in praise or honor of a deceased person.
Victoria: Webster’s defines dull as any speech which starts with “Webster’s defines.” Yes, yes, tech support. I’m still here. No, I already tried buttering myself. Yes, this is Mrs. Ladypants. No, I am not going right n n n now.
Melanie: Hey, I thought you guys were roasting your 100-year-old friend.
Mamie: They said our material was too raunchy.
Elka: One zinger about Craig’s low-hanging fruit, and they freak.
Mamie: Now we have all this killer material and nowhere to showcase it.
Elka: What’s the crowd like out there?
Melanie: Don’t you dare! It’s a wake.
Margaret: Melanie, Jason is here. It’s time to give the eulogy, sweetie.
Melanie: Oh, good, Jason’s here. I’ll be right out. Well, I’m about to go out there and disappoint them all. Even Jason. Whoever the [bleep] that is!

Jason: For those of you I haven’t met, I’m Jason. I want to thank Melanie for hosting this special night and for graciously allowing me to speak before her.
Melanie: Or, if you like, instead of me.
Jason: What a character. No wonder dad loved you.
Melanie: Dad.
Jason: You know, relationships with fathers can be complicated.
Dr. Greenly: Are you okay?
Joy: I’m fine.
Jason: He was my compass, my true north. I always knew that, if I could find him, I could find my way. And last week when he asked me to be the best man at his wedding, I was so happy because because he was the best man that I had ever known. Can’t believe I’m never gonna see you again. I love you, dad.
Joy: John, I need you to be Dr. Greenly again.
Dr. Greenly: Let’s talk.
Jason: And now Melanie will give the eulogy, and get your handkerchiefs ready. Dad told me she has the soul of a poet.
Melanie: Webster’s defines eulogy–
Victoria (screams): Just letting out the grief. You’ll just excuse me.

Melanie: Oh, thank God you caught on fire. You saved me.
Victoria: Yeah, that’s why I did it.
Melanie: Seriously, now I have to follow that speech? I’m in agony.
Victoria: Oh, really, Melanie? Agony? What is that smell? Fresh-cooked hamburger? Steak on the grill? No, it’s my flesh!
Melanie: Calm down. I’ve almost got it. There.
Victoria: Oh, thank God. Hey, do I look more toned? Never mind.
Melanie: I can’t believe people buy these things. I mean, everyone knows you can’t get fit without exercise.
Victoria: It is the number one exercise belt in Japan. And, whether or not it works, people are buying the dream. And they’re happy with that.
Melanie: So you’re still gonna endorse it?
Victoria: Well, of course. I mean, there is nothing wrong with telling people what they want to hear if it makes them happy.
Melanie: Yeah, you’re probably right. Actually, you are right.
Victoria: I agree. But why?
Melanie: Those people out there want to believe that Harry died happy because of me. And I have to tell them what they want to hear. You did a lot of eulogies on Edge of Tomorrow. Are there any that might fit?
Victoria: Hmm. Let me see. Saying good-bye to a sister is never easy, even if she was my evil twin. No. Alphonse will always be a part of all of us because we had to eat him to survive. Oh, I think that’s closer.
Victoria: Hey, Joy. Honey, what’s wrong?
Joy: I was out back with Dr. Greenly. There’s something I have to tell you. My father passed away a few months ago.
Melanie: Oh, Joy.
Victoria: Honey, why didn’t you tell us?
Joy: He took off when I was a teenager, and not a word since. I didn’t want to get sympathy for feelings I wasn’t feeling or didn’t want to feel. That’s why my mother’s been calling. He left me something. Only, I’m not sure I want it. But listening to Jason talk about his father with such love I’ve always had this fantasy that some day my dad and I would somehow magically reconnect and have the relationship I always wanted. Then it just hit me. That can never happen now. That fantasy died with him.
Victoria: Ah, honey, that’s hard.
Joy: So Dr. Greenly told me to write down what I wanted to say to him.
Melanie: Yeah, what’d you write?
Joy: “Dear dad, I’m angry. I’m angry that you’re not here. I’m angry that you left me before we had a chance to be everything we could be to each other”
Melanie: “But mostly I’m angry that the dreams I had for our relationship will never come true. I can only console myself with the few memories I do have. Your rich, booming laugh, after dinner sitting on your lap, the hint of whiskey on your bre”
Margaret: He did love his whiskey.
Melanie: “There is so much I’ll never get to say to you. But I want you to know I miss you more than you’ll ever know. I love you, daddy.” I called him daddy. But not in the creepy way. In the sexy way. You know, like, “who’s your daddy?” You know, somewhere, somehow, I do believe that the man this speech was written for has heard these words and he is smiling down at his girl.

Joy: “Dearest Rejoyla, I hope this portrait will serve as a reminder that even though he may not have always shown it, your father loved you very much. I do hope this gives you some happiness and peace. Love, mum.”
Victoria: Aw, that’s sweet.
Joy: “P.S. Now that your psychic wounds have healed, perhaps you can find a man.”
Elka: He even made your hands proportionate to your body. Clearly he cared.
Joy: He really did.

Hot in Cleveland S04, Ep20 – Cleveland Indians

Season: 4
Episode: 20
Title: Cleveland Indians
Original Air Date: August 14, 2013


Guest Stars:
Michael Urie: Jeffery
Alice Amter: Dr. Kapoor
Pej Vahdat: Ravi
Parvesh Cheena: Manu


Synopsis: Joy is upset that the pediatrician called Wilber average. So she seeks out the best in Cleveland, Dr. Kapoor. She pretends to be Indian. Dr. Kapoor invites herself to Joy’s for dinner. Victoria hires a wedding planner. However, when he finds out it will be at a correctional facility he backs out. Joy comes home and tells everyone about Dr. Kapoor coming over for dinner. Jeffrey, the wedding planner, says he will do her wedding if he can come to the dinner. Joy hires Manu to cater the dinner. But when she wants to take credit for making it all he charges triple. Jeffrey arrives and Joy freaks out. Dr. Kapoor arrives with her son Ravi. All the lies are going great until Elka comes back and winds up pretending to be Joy’s mom. She is happily embarrassing Joy. Outside Joy discovers that Ravi is gay and Jeffrey is his boyfriend. They all go back inside to play their parts. However, Dr. Kapoor tells them all she is playing the part of Lady Bracknell. When Elka discovers Dr. Kapoor is who she lost the part to, out of anger she spills the beans on Ravi and Jeffrey. Joy’s accent disappears and Dr. Kapoor becomes outraged. Ravi tells the truth. Joy begs Dr. Kapoor to see Wilbur and tells the story of putting Owen up for adoption. Dr. Kapoor admits she did the same thing. It turns out the caterer is her son. She gives Ravi her blessing and is so happy that she has found her lost son that she agrees to see Wilbur.


Click on either link to grab the fourth season of the show, it’s a great way to support the ladies and have some serious laughs.

Amazon Hot in Cleveland: Season 4

iTunes Hot in Cleveland, Season 4 – Hot in Cleveland


Favorite Quotes:

* Victoria: What are you doing?
Elka: Waiting for my ride.
Melanie: To take you where? Downton Abbey?

* Joy: Anyone can see that Wilbur is very advanced for his age.
Victoria: Hmm. I’ll say. I never had my first pimple till I was 12.

* Jeffrey: Now, about the guests, I’ll need a number.
Elka: They all have numbers.

* Victoria: I mean, Emmet is hardly your ordinary jailbird. He is the proud recipient of an Oscar and a Tony.
Jeffrey: Are those awards or cellmates?

* Melanie: Why? If you can’t cook Indian food, she won’t treat your grandson?
Joy: That’s another thing. I’m Wilbur’s mum, not his granny.
Melanie: So you’re dating this guy because his mom thinks you’re a gourmet Indian chef with a functioning womb?
Victoria: When the truth is, you hate curry.
Elka: And your womb’s in the Smithsonian.

* Joy: Eventually. But tonight, you must say I cooked this food.
Manu: What? This was not discussed. I cannot lie. I have honor. I have dignity. I would need at least triple my fee.
Joy: Fine.

* Dr. Kapoor: What an elegant sari. It shows her lovely and still childbearing-if-you-hurry hips.

* Dr. Kapoor: Mmm. These pakoras are delicious. What’s that spice I taste?
Joy: Oh, I could not tell you my secret.
Manu: Believe me, she could not.

* Ravi: Joy, your wit is as sparkling as your lovely, mischievous eyes.
Joy: And my eyes are far from my most mischievous organ.


Transcript:

Victoria: What are you doing?
Elka: Waiting for my ride.
Melanie: To take you where? Downton Abbey?
Elka: My community theater’s doing The Importance of Being Earnest. And I’m auditioning as Lady Bracknell. I gotta make up for when I bombed last year as Sandy in Grease.

Melanie: Oh, hello, Wilbur. He had his checkup today, didn’t he? Was he a brave boy?
Joy: He was fine. But the doctor was an idiot. He said Wilbur was, and I quote, “average.” Can you believe it? Anyone can see that Wilbur is very advanced for his age.
Victoria: Hmm. I’ll say. I never had my first pimple till I was 12.
Joy: Baby acne is a very common affliction.
Victoria: Ah.
Joy: I’ve been trying to find Wilbur a new doctor all morning.
Melanie: You fired his doctor just because he said he was average?
Joy: Well, obviously he’s not average. I mean, look at his sweet little handsome– Wilbur don’t scratch your pimples. My grandson deserves the best pediatrician in town, which every website agrees is Dr. Mallika Kapoor.
Melanie: So go to her.
Joy: She’s so exclusive, she’s completely booked. And according to the comments on this site, she’ll take you right away if you’re from India.
Melanie: So you need to be a Cleveland Indian. See what I did there?
Joy: Maybe I’ll just show up with a bribe. I’ve heard about this Indian cafe that makes the most amazing samosas.
Melanie: Oh, Joy. Come on, honey, don’t you think you’re getting carried away?
Victoria: I agree with Melanie. I mean, all pediatricians are pretty much the same. It’s not like you’re shopping for eye cream.
Melanie: If you don’t get Dr. Kapoor, it’s not because you’re a bad grandma. It’s because you’re not from Mumbai.
Joy: You’re right. I just need to take a breath and put things in perspective. Thank you both for your help.

Joy: Hello.
Dr. Kapoor: Hello, I am Dr. Kapoor. Where is Ms. Gupta Jhabvala-Scroggs?
Joy: I am she. And this is Wilbur. Say, “Hello, Dr. Kapoor.”
Dr. Kapoor: You are from India?
Joy: My father was Indian. My mother English. Very, very fair.
Dr. Kapoor: Some English blood, huh? That explains the acne and the crooked baby teeth. This baby does not look Indian at all.
Joy: I brought samosas.
Dr. Kapoor: Hmm. Homemade?
Joy: Of course.
Dr. Kapoor: Mmm. You’re an excellent cook. Your husband is a lucky man.
Joy: Oh, I’m not married. Oh, I see you thought because–
Dr. Kapoor: I should not make assumptions. I know many spinsters who turn 40 and look in the mirror and say, “no man will love me, but maybe a baby will.”
Joy: Actually, Wilbur’s not my– 40 you say?
Dr. Kapoor: You are younger?
Joy: No. 40’s bang on the nose.
Dr. Kapoor: Hmm. My son Ravi is also 40 and not yet married. In spite of being a world-class competitive eater.
Joy: A competitive eater. So an athlete.
Dr. Kapoor: I tell him to go out and meet a girl, but he just stays home and eats and eats and eats. He’d love your samosas.
Joy: I’d be glad to make some for him.
Dr. Kapoor: We accept your invitation. Shall we say Friday night?
Joy: What?
Dr. Kapoor: If all goes well, we’ll set an appointment for Wilbur next week.
Joy: I’ll start cooking right away.
Dr. Kapoor: We’ll be there at 8:00. And wear something prettier. Maybe padded.

Victoria: These weddings are gorgeous. I think I found the wedding planner of my dreams.
Elka: When are you gonna tell him the wedding’s in the slammer?
Victoria: At the last possible moment, so shh.
Jeffery: Victoria, darling, are those guest towels Pratesi?
Victoria: Oh, you have an excellent eye. So let’s talk some more about my perfect wedding.
Jeffery: Well, I was thinking after the vows we’ll release two dozen white doves.
Victoria: Oh, no, no. Doves won’t work, sorry. We’re planning an indoor ceremony.
Jeffrey: You haven’t told me where it will be. Does the venue have a yard?
Elka: Oh, there’s definitely a yard.
Jeffrey: Now, about the guests, I’ll need a number.
Elka: They all have numbers.
Victoria: Elka, do you need to be here?
Elk: I’m just studying my lines.
Victoria: She has a callback for The Importance of Being Earnest.
Elka: How’s this? A handbag?
Jeffrey: I’m guessing this is community theater?
Victoria: Mm-hm. I’ll get back to you with all those minor details.
Jeffrey: Fine. I’ll just need the location.
Victoria: What, right this minute?
Jeffrey: Well, I’ll have to take measurements.
Victoria: Oh, okay. Well, we are getting married at the lovely Allen Oakwood Men’s Correctional Facility. Now about the centerpieces, I was thinking white roses–
Jeffrey: Back up. You’re getting married in prison? To an inmate?
Victoria: I mean, Emmet is hardly your ordinary jailbird. He is the proud recipient of an Oscar and a Tony.
Jeffrey: Are those awards or cellmates? Sorry. “Celebrations by Jeffrey” does not do weddings in correctional facilities.
Victoria: Listen, I’m desperate. I’ll do whatever you say. I’ll get married in the yard, I’ll release the doves.
Jeffrey: Release the groom, then we’ll talk.
Joy: Guess who just met the great and powerful Dr. Kapoor?
Melanie: Really? Did she agree to take Wilbur?
Joy: Almost. I just have one tiny hurdle left. She’s invited herself to dinner Friday night. She wants to set me up with her loser son, Ravi.
Jeffrey: Is this Dr. Kapoor, the pediatrician?
Joy: Yes. Do you have kids?
Jeffrey: No. They’d clash with my drapes.
Joy: See how famous she is? Even childless gay people know her name.
Jeffrey: You want me to plan your wedding? Invite me to that dinner.
Victoria: That’s it? Why?
Jeffrey: It’s every wedding planner’s dream to do Indian weddings. They last seven days and spend a fortune. Kapoor could be just the connection I need to break into the Indian wedding circuit.
Victoria: Okay, so if I make this happen, then I’ll get my dream prison wedding?
Jeffrey: Tell Emmet to sharpen his shiv he’s got a cake to cut. See you Friday.
Joy: Uh, about this dinner. For the sake of Wilbur’s health, I really need you all to back me up on some white lies I told Dr. Kapoor.
Melanie: What kind of lies?
Joy: Well, I said I’d be cooking when really I’m having it catered by an Indian chef.
Melanie: Why? If you can’t cook Indian food, she won’t treat your grandson?
Joy: That’s another thing. I’m Wilbur’s mum, not his granny.
Melanie: So you’re dating this guy because his mom thinks you’re a gourmet Indian chef with a functioning womb?
Victoria: When the truth is, you hate curry.
Elka: And your womb’s in the Smithsonian.
Melanie: This has got to be the craziest lie you’ve ever told.
Joy: Actually it gets a little bit crazier.

Joy: Too much?
Victoria: You look beautiful, but is it necessary?
Joy: I’m just trying to play up my Indian side.
Elka: You don’t have an Indian side!
Melanie: Speaking of that, if Dr. Kapoor asks, where do we say you’re from in India?
Joy: Oh, no. I hadn’t thought about that. What if she asks me what caste I am?
Elka: I’d just say, “miscast.”
Joy: Speaking of casting, don’t you have a callback to get to? If you leave now there will be one less person to screw things up for me.
Elka: Oh, relax. You’re gonna be great. I believe in you.
Joy: Oh, thank you.
Elka: See what a good actor I am?

Joy: Manu, the food smells wonderful.
Manu: Mm, I hope Dr. Kapoor will like it. And she will tell all her patients and my restaurant will be a great success.
Joy: I am sure all of these things will happen.
Manu: Mm.
Joy: Eventually. But tonight, you must say I cooked this food.
Manu: What? This was not discussed. I cannot lie. I have honor. I have dignity. I would need at least triple my fee.
Joy: Fine. But I cooked, you serve.

(doorbell rings)
Joy: Wait. Don’t open it yet. I have a thing. Namaste.
Jeffrey: Look at you. I wore a sari just like that last Halloween. I was, “Ann Curry.”
Victoria: Ah!
Joy: What are you doing here?
Victoria: Jeffrey’s joining us for dinner.
Joy: You invited him?
Melanie: I told her she should have asked.
Joy: You knew?
Jeffrey: Yes, she invited me. She knew, and this is tedious. Who’s making me a drink?
Melanie: I can drink.
Joy: What were you thinking? I am having my first and hopefully last date with some tubby loser whose mum is desperate to have him married, and you invite a wedding planner?
Victoria: Well, I had no choice. It’s the only way he’d agree to do my prison wedding. And he’s just here to drum up some Indian wedding business.
Joy: I don’t care. He has to leave right– Oh, bloody hell.
Victoria: We’ll be fine. You just do that hindu that you do so well.
Joy: Namaste.
Dr. Kapoor: Namaste.
Joy: Oh, does this mean your son is not coming? Maybe?
Dr. Kapoor: No, he’s just dragging his heels as usual. Ravi.
Ravi: Hello.
Joy: You’re Ravi? The competitive eater?
Ravi: Well, you know Indian mothers. You win one pie-eating contest.
Dr. Kapoor: What an elegant sari. It shows her lovely and still childbearing-if-you-hurry hips.
Ravi: She’s even prettier than you described.
Joy: Right back at you. You didn’t mention your son was so handsome.
Dr. Kapoor: If he’s so handsome, why is he so single? It’s like his software company. Why did he sell it for millions when he could have made billions, like Apple?
Joy: What? What?
Jeffrey: Hello.
Ravi: Hello.
Joy: These are my housemates, Victoria and Melanie.
Victoria: And this is Jeffrey, my super talented wedding planner.
Jeffrey: It’s an honor to meet you, Dr. Kapoor. And Ravi, was it?
Dr. Kapoor: A wedding planner? You reek of desperation. I approve.
Joy: Look, my delicious food. Please, enjoy.
Ravi: You have a lovely home. Would you mind giving me a tour?
Joy: My pleasure.
Dr. Kapoor: Mmm. These pakoras are delicious. What’s that spice I taste?
Joy: Oh, I could not tell you my secret.
Manu: Believe me, she could not.

Ravi: I am so sorry.
Joy: For what?
Ravi: I know my mother. I’m sure she made it clear she wouldn’t treat your son unless you would date me. But can I ask you for a huge favor?
Joy: What?
Ravi: Could we flirt a little? It’ll get my mother off my back, and you’d get the best doctor in Cleveland.
Joy: Yes, we can flirt. We can touch, we can date. Perhaps sometime a weekend away.
Ravi: Good flirting. But save it for mom.

Ravi: Joy, your wit is as sparkling as your lovely, mischievous eyes.
Joy: And my eyes are far from my most mischievous organ.
Victoria: Whoa, that was quick.
Dr. Kapoor: Why go slowly? Your friend knows that ripeness is all. Today’s firm mango is tomorrow’s smoothie. But look who I’m telling.

Melanie: Have you lost your mind? You’re flirting with Ravi like you mean it.
Joy: I do. He’s sweet and handsome. Not to mention, rich. I can really see a future for us. I know it sounds crazy.
Melanie: No, you know what sounds crazy? You talking like this for the rest of your life.

Ravi: You were insane to come here tonight.
Jeffrey: I don’t care. I love you, Ravi.
Ravi: And I love you.
Joy: Ravi, you’re gay?
Ravi: Gay for your samosas.
Victoria: Jeffrey, when did you come out?
Jeffrey: Sweetie, I was never in. It’s Ravi who needs to come out.
Victoria: What?
Joy: Ravi and Jeffrey are lovers.
Ravi: Will you please be quiet? My mother will hear.
Jeffrey: She needs to hear. We’ve been together for two years, and he still hasn’t told her about us. I thought it would be easier for him to tell the truth if I met her and she liked me.
Ravi: If I tell her the truth, trust me, she won’t like you.
Joy: Or me. She’ll blame me for bringing you together and refuse to treat Wilbur.
Ravi: Wait, your accent’s gone. You’re not Indian?
Jeffrey: Am I the only one here who’s not living a lie?
Victoria: Oh, please. You said the only reason you wanted to come was to plan an Indian wedding.
Jeffrey: Yes. Mine. Ravi, my love–
Joy: No, stop!
Dr. Kapoor: What’s going on out here?
Joy: I lost a contact lens. We are all looking for it.
All: Found it!
Joy: Oh, thank you, Ravi. I can now see your handsome face.
Dr. Kapoor: I think these lovebirds were trying to steal a moment. Let’s give them some privacy.
Ravi: You must think I’m a coward to hide from my mother this way.
Joy: Well, it would be nice if you could tell her someday. Just not tonight.
Ravi: Every Indian mother dreams of the day her son gets married ’cause then she’ll have a daughter-in-law to push around for the rest of her life.
Joy: Can’t she push Jeffrey around?
Ravi: If you push Jeffrey, he pushes right back. Oh, why did I fall for a man so gay and sassy?
Joy: You’ll work it out, Ravi, and we’ll get through this night. We just have to play our parts and not let things get any more complicated.
Elka: I want a double vodka, and I want it now!
Joy: Elka! I thought you had a callback?
Elka: The part was already cast.
Joy: Well, I’m sorry, but you can’t stay. Things are messy enough. Ravi’s boyfriend showed up, and his mother doesn’t know he’s gay. The last thing we need is you barging in here pounding down vodkas and whining about some part you didn’t get.
Elka: Why didn’t they pick me?
Joy: Well, your accent was a bit inconsistent.
Ravi: You should talk.
Elka: Oh, rubbish! I was spot-on.
Dr. Kapoor: Oh, you’re British. You must be Joy’s mother.
Elka: Oh. Quite so. This should be jolly good fun.

Joy: I can’t believe we got through dinner. I thought for sure Elka would ruin everything with her stupid stories about my supposed childhood in India.
Melanie: That last one was just the plot from Bend it Like Beckham.
Victoria: That was a fascinating story about driving on the left side of the road, Elka. But perhaps Dr. Kapoor would prefer to hear some anecdotes from a famous actress.
Dr. Kapoor: Actually, Ms. Chase, I’m a bit of an actress myself.
Victoria: Oh.
Dr. Kapoor: Just today I got cast as Lady Bracknell in The Importance of Being Earnest.
Elka: What?
Dr. Kapoor: The director assured me that I was the best choice. One ridiculous woman even came in costume. How could someone be so clueless?
Elka: I’m clueless? You don’t even know your son is gay.
Jeffrey: Thank you!
Dr. Kapoor: What?
Joy: Elka! What are you doing?
Melanie: Joy, your accent.
Dr. Kapoor: What’s going on here?
Joy: Okay. I lied. But for a good cause.
Melanie: She just wanted to help her grandchild.
All: Grandchild?
Joy: They didn’t need to know that part.
Dr. Kapoor: Let’s go, Ravi. This woman is a liar, and this girl is not for you.
Ravi: No girl is for me. The truth is I love Jeffrey.
Jeffrey: And we’re going to be married.
Dr. Kapoor: Married?
Jeffrey: We’ve been hiding our love for years.
Dr. Kapoor: So you mean I’ll never have a daughter-in-law?
Joy: Look, I understand this is a bit of a shock, but everything’s out in the open now. No more secrets, no more lies.
Manu: Who wants some of Joy’s famous raskadambas?
Dr. Kapoor: Ravi, we’re leaving.
Joy: Please, wait. I know you’re upset, but you have to be Wilbur’s doctor. He means the world to me. I gave up his dad for adoption when I was a teenager. You don’t know how guilty that makes a woman feel.
Dr. Kapoor: Actually, Ms. Scroggs, I do. I too had a child when I was very young. I also gave him up for adoption.
Ravi: Mom, is that true?
Dr. Kapoor: It was before I met your father. Years later after I finished med school, I tried to find this child. I was told he was taken to a small village called Chimurawati.
Manu: Chimurawati? Well, that is the name of my village.
Dr. Kapoor: Then perhaps you might know what happened to a small child with a strange birthmark on his wrist, a birthmark shaped like a handbag.
Elka: A handbag?
Manu: A birthmark like this?
Dr. Kapoor: My baby.
Manu: Oh, my mother.
Ravi: My brother?
Dr. Kapoor: My head is still spinning from all these wild goings-on, but I am so glad to finally get to know my long lost boy.
Elka: What a shame you’ll be so busy rehearsing.
Dr. Kapoor: You have a point. The part of Lady Bracknell is yours. I’ll be too busy bonding with my Manu.
Manu: And Nishka.
Melanie: Oh, who’s Nishka?
Manu: My wife.
Dr. Kapoor: You mean I have a daughter-in-law?
Manu: Yes. But you must be gentle with her. She’s timid and easily bullied.
Dr. Kapoor: Oh. Manu, you fill my heart with joy. Okay, Ravi, if this man makes you happy, marry him.
Ravi: Thank you, mom. I only hope our wedding is as nice as the one he plans for you.
Jeffrey: Both will have many guests wearing orange.

Hot in Cleveland S04, Ep18 – The Fixer

Season: 4
Episode: 18
Title: The Fixer
Original Air Date: July 31, 2013


Guest Stars:
Tom Arnold: Danny
Jack Wagner: Dr. Aaron Everett
Jim Meskimen: Professor Zucker
Gita Reddy: Nurse


Synopsis: Melanie still hasn’t cried about breaking up with Alec so the ladies are being extra mean to try and help her cry. When they leave the restaurant she sits at the bar. A guy strikes up a conversation with her. The next thing she wakes up in bed next to him, covered in candy bar wrappers. They did not do anything. He turns out to be the lawyer that Victoria hired to help Emmet. But he’s fallen in love with Melanie and now won’t help unless Victoria gets him a date with Melanie. Meanwhile, Melanie goes to the gynecologist. It turns out to be Aaron. She doesn’t let him examine her, but they do set up a date. Back at the house Victoria drops the bomb about Danny and that he won’t help Emmet unless Melanie will go on a date with him. Melanie tells her how they actually met. She tells Victoria no, she has a date with the hot doctor. Victoria begs and Melanie gives in. However, Aaron shows up returning her wallet. Danny comes over. Poor Joy suddenly has some mysterious gynecological issue and she, Melanie and Aaron go in the kitchen. The explanation doesn’t help and he leaves. Danny figures out that it’s just a fake date to keep him helping Emmet. Victoria kicks him out. Emmet takes a plea bargain. Melanie goes back to the doctor again to explain, and the date is back on.


Click on either link to grab the fourth season of the show, it’s a great way to support the ladies and have some serious laughs.

Amazon Hot in Cleveland: Season 4

iTunes Hot in Cleveland, Season 4 – Hot in Cleveland


Favorite Quotes:

* Melanie: [Chuckles nervously] Listen, I’m really embarrassed, but I don’t remember anything about last night, so I need you to answer one very important question. Did I eat all these candy bars?
Danny: No, no, no. That was me.
Melanie: Oh, thank God.

* Danny: As a matter of fact, when I saw you at the bar I assumed that–
Melanie: You thought I was a prostitute?

* Melanie: I passed out drunk and woke up with a total stranger.
Danny: That’s how my mom met my dad. By the way, they can’t wait to meet you.

* Elka: Oh, don’t put yourself down, Joy. That’s my job.

* Melanie: Hey, guys, guess what. I have a date with my gynecologist.
Elka: They’re called appointments, dear.

* Melanie: You know what? Maybe this is just what I need to get over Alec.
Elka: You know the old saying.
Melanie: When God closes a door, he opens a window?
Elka: No. The best way to get over a man is to get under another one.

* Victoria: Okay, Danny will be here any minute. Go put something sexier on.
Melanie: No, I’m doing this to get Emmet off, not Danny.

* Melanie: Oh, no, it’s okay. Maybe it is too soon for me to start dating.
Joy: That’s ridiculous. You like him and he likes you. You’re already ahead of most of my relationships.


Transcript:

Joy: Sorry I’m late. What did I miss?
Victoria: Oh, we were just telling sad, bloated Melanie that Alec was right to break up with her.
Joy: What? That’s a horrible thing to say! You’re gonna make her cry.
Elka: That’s the plan.
Melanie: I haven’t been able to cry since Alec and I broke up, and I feel like it’s all bottled up inside me. If I could just get one good cry, maybe I could get over him.
Joy: Got it. Has anyone mentioned that he’s probably banging some hot 20-something already?
Elka: I said twins.
Joy: Well, the movie’s in ten minutes. Everyone says you can’t watch The Diary without bursting into tears.
Victoria: Oh, yes. The Diary is the movie The Notebook goes to see when it wants to feel sad.
Joy: After all the artsy-fartsy cinema Elka and I have had to sit through in our theory of film class, we could use a little mindless entertainment. No subtitles, no moral ambiguity, no chess games with death.
Elka: And only good-looking people get naked.
Melanie: You know what, you guys? I’m really not up for a movie. You go, I’m gonna stay here and finish my wine. I’ll pay the check.
Joy: Oh, honey, are you sure?
Melanie: No, don’t try to be nice. It only makes it harder.
Victoria: Well, bye, Mel. Sorry you’re so hideous.
Joy: And unlovable.
Elka: Have fun dying alone.
Melanie: [Gasps] Nothing.
Danny: Bourbon and branch.
Melanie: Empty just like my life.
Danny: You okay?
Melanie: I’m sorry. It’s just that [Crying] there’s no nut in my peanut.
Danny: That’s a bummer, but easily remedied.
Melanie: Oh, why bother? I didn’t even want the damn peanut! [Crying] I just want Alec.
Danny: Hey, don’t cry.
Melanie: No, no, this is really good. This is the first time I’ve been able to cry since I broke up with my boyfriend.
Danny: Alec?
Melanie: Oh, my God, you know him?
Danny: No, you you just never mind. Look, I’m here, so you want to talk about it?
Melanie: So much. But just talk. ‘Cause I never want to be with another man. Never, ever, ever again!

Melanie: Oh, no. Oh, no! Oh, no! [Groans]
Danny: Oh, hey, peanut.
Melanie: [Chuckles nervously] Listen, I’m really embarrassed, but I don’t remember anything about last night, so I need you to answer one very important question. Did I eat all these candy bars?
Danny: No, no, no. That was me.
Melanie: Oh, thank God. We have sex?
Danny: No. I mean nothing actionable.
Melanie: What does that mean?
Danny: Look, you were sad and a little drunk, so I drove you home to make sure you were safe. And then I laid you down on these sheets, and they are so soft. What is the thread count on these babies?
Melanie: Forget about the sheets. What did we do on the sheets?
Danny: Don’t worry, we didn’t exchange any fluids. Well, I spilled a little Sprite on you, but mostly we just cuddled. Which was nice. It was so nice. [Whispering] You’re nice.
Melanie: Yeah, anyway, thank you for taking me home last night, but I do have a doctor’s appointment at oh, my God! It’s almost 10:00. So can you-
Danny: Oh, I got a meeting at 10:00! Oh, boy! Oh. Hey, do you have any idea where 68 Cedarcliff Road is?
Melanie: 68 Cedarcliff Road? That’s here.

Danny: You didn’t see this.
Elka: You didn’t see this.

Joy: Expecting someone?
Victoria: Yes, my secret weapon to get Emmet out of jail. Danny Doyle. They call him “The Fixer.” He’s gonna bribe the judge in Emmet’s case.
Joy: Victoria!
Victoria: No, I know! But Emmet’s arraignment is tomorrow, and I’m desperate. Wouldn’t you do anything you could to keep your fiancée out of jail?
Joy: Of course. Does Emmet know about this?
Victoria: No. He wants to do things above board. But did Honor St. Raven get off death row by going above board? No! No, her lawyers went to a voodoo high priestess. A woefully miscast Mary Lou Retton.
Joy: Didn’t she win the Emmy?
[Knock at door]
Victoria: Oh.
Danny: Victoria Chase? Danny Doyle.
Victoria: Hi. This is Joy Scroggs.
Danny: Let me get one thing straight right off the bat. I operate completely within the bounds of the law.
Victoria: I’m not wearing a wire.
Danny: Good, let’s bribe some judges.
Victoria: Wait, are you really as good as they say you are?
Danny: Did John Glenn go to jail for murder?
Joy: What murder?
Danny: I rest my case!
Melanie: Oh, I didn’t realize we had a total stranger in the house.
Victoria: Melanie, this is Danny Doyle. He came here to help me with Emmet’s case.
Danny: I am very pleased to meet you.
Melanie: Why, yes, we should shake hands, since we’re meeting for the very first time.
Victoria: Don’t mind her. She’s going through a breakup.
Joy: Yes, poor, old, wrinkled Melanie.
Melanie: Okay, guys, you can stop. I cried last night and a little bit a few minutes ago.
Victoria: Well, I’ll just go get those non-sequential hundreds that I so awkwardly got from the bank yesterday.
Joy: Oh! And I’m late for class. I’m a student. College. Sort of reinventing myself. Nobody cares. Good-bye.
Danny: I have to see you again, Melanie.
Melanie: No. Last night was last night.
Danny: Women never say no to me.
Melanie: Really?
Danny: I date prostitutes. So if they did, they really wouldn’t be doing their job.
Melanie: You date prostitutes?
Danny: As a matter of fact, when I saw you at the bar I assumed that–
Melanie: You thought I was a prostitute?
Danny: Well, you were making a meal of those peanuts and drinking other people’s wine. I knew you weren’t upper management. But now I think you’re something else entirely. You’re a real lady.
Melanie: I passed out drunk and woke up with a total stranger.
Danny: That’s how my mom met my dad. By the way, they can’t wait to meet you.
Melanie: Yeah not gonna happen. Good luck with whatever it is you two are doing.
Victoria: Okay, here’s your money. Go and do your magic.
Danny: Change of plans. I don’t want the money. I want Melanie.
Victoria: What?
Danny: You have to get her to go out with me.
Victoria: Oh, well, she’s not really dating anyone right now. She’s sort of going through a bad breakup.
Danny: Make it happen, or our whole deal’s off.
Victoria: Okay. I’ll go ask her. You know, I can pretty much guarantee that I could get Joy to go out with you.
Danny: Melanie.
Victoria: Where’s Melanie?
Elka: [Slurred] She went to the doctor’s.
Victoria: Shoot. Melanie, I need to speak to you, about Danny. Yes, he is cute. Good news! It’s a date. Tonight, here, she’s gonna cook for you.
Danny: What is she making?
Victoria: Why?
Danny: ‘Cause some foods make me gassy.
Victoria: I’ll let her know.
Danny: Okay.

Professor: I only give out one “A” per semester, and that goes to the student film that nauseates me the least.
Elka: I have an idea.
Professor: So, nothing cute, and for God’s sakes, nothing with animals.
Elka: I have no ideas.
Professor: No flowers opening slowly, all right? I know what a vagina looks like. It looks like years of alimony.
Joy: I’m out too.

[Knock at door]
Nurse: Dr. Dubin is still in delivery. Do you want to reschedule or see one of the other doctors?
Melanie: Oh, another doctor is fine.
Nurse: So just in for your annual checkup?
Melanie: Yes. Although I did sleep with someone last night, but he said we didn’t do anything. On the other hand, he’s kind of sleazy, and he usually sleeps with prostitutes but I really don’t think we did anything. So it might be something to be noted. Or not. Actually, don’t put any of that down. Why are you writing?
Nurse: Just notes for the doctor. Now, let’s get your weight.
Melanie: Ugh. Do we have to? Because I drank, like, a gallon of wine last night. Can’t you just put down what I was last year? Why are you still writing? Oh, let’s see. Just put that down!
Nurse: The doctor will be right in.
Melanie: Shoot.
Dr. Aaron: Melanie?

Joy: So in 1939, German SS officers commandeered your family’s home in Krakow. You must have been terrified.
Elka: Yes. But I was one of the lucky ones. I said good-bye to the animals on the farm, and fled Poland that very night.
Joy: And, cut! That was beautiful, Elka. My film’s got everything those Oscar-winners have craggy-looking old people talking about Nazis. I’m a shoo-in to get that “A.”
Elka: Not so fast. I want to interview you for my film.
Joy: Really? But my story can’t possibly be as interesting as yours.
Elka: Oh, don’t put yourself down, Joy. That’s my job.
[Door closes]
Melanie: Hey, guys, guess what. I have a date with my gynecologist.
Elka: They’re called appointments, dear.
Joy: We’ve all been there, Melanie. So desperate for a man’s touch you make an appointment you don’t even need.
Melanie: No, I’ve never done that.
Joy: Nor have I.
Melanie: No, this is a real date. Remember that cute doctor I met when the bar got held up, and he needed me to take off my spanx so he could use it as a tourniquet, and I thought, at the time, that’s the most embarrassing way possible to meet a guy? Well, same guy, more embarrassing way.
Joy: You didn’t let him examine you.
Melanie: No, no, no, no. And I know I said I wasn’t gonna start dating yet, but You know what? Maybe this is just what I need to get over Alec.
Elka: You know the old saying.
Melanie: When God closes a door, he opens a window?
Elka: No. The best way to get over a man is to get under another one.
Joy: Wait, wait. Wasn’t this the guy who said he’d call you and never did?
Melanie: Yes, but that’s because he got back together with his girlfriend. And then he didn’t want to call just to say he wasn’t gonna call, but now they’ve broken up, so we can be two miserable peas in a pod together. I’m excited!
Victoria: Oh, there you are, Melanie.
Melanie: Guess what. I have a date tomorrow night.
Victoria: Perfect! So what you need is a practice date tonight. What? Yes, I can get you a date with Danny Doyle. Tonight at 8:00? Done and done.
Joy: I’m not following.
Melanie: Yeah, I met him last night at the bar, we spent the night together, we didn’t do anything, and now he thinks he’s in love with me.
Joy: Up to speed.
Melanie: I can’t date him. He dates prostitutes. And he spilled Sprite on me. He’s not my type.
Victoria: Look, I know this is a huge thing, but it’s just dinner. And I’ll monitor your drinking so that you don’t end up in bed with him again. Oh, please? He’s refusing to help Emmet if you don’t give him another chance.
Melanie: Fine, I’ll let him take me to dinner.
Victoria: Actually, you’re cooking. And I would avoid dairy and legumes.
Melanie: Why?
Victoria: Nothing.

Victoria: Okay, Danny will be here any minute. Go put something sexier on.
Melanie: No, I’m doing this to get Emmet off, not Danny. And I’m breaking up with him tomorrow after the arraignment, and I’m going out with Aaron tomorrow night.
Victoria: Absolutely, but at least go put some lipstick on.
Melanie: Okay.
[Doorbell rings]
Elka: I’m 90. I’ll get it.
Melanie: Just tell Danny I’ll be down in a sec.
Dr. Aaron: Hi, I’m Dr. Everett. Is Melanie home?
Elka: Oh, boy. Um, no I mean, no, she’s not.
Melanie: Tell him to come on in and open the wine.
Elka: Oh, I guess I was wrong. Come in, Dr. Everett.
Melanie: Aaron?
Aaron: Hi!
Melanie: Aaron I uh Aaron, hi. Elka, this is Aaron.
Elka: Yes. I told him you weren’t here, but then you opened your big mouth and I was wrong.
Aaron: You left your wallet at the office, so I thought it might be cute if I returned it, like I did the first time.
Melanie: Oh. Aw, that is cute.
Aaron: I’m sorry, I thought our date was tomorrow night.
Melanie: Oh, my God, I’m such an idiot! You’re right, it is tomorrow night, so I’ll just see you tomorrow night.
Victoria: I heard the doorbell. Who are you?
Melanie: It’s Aaron. He’s here for our date, which is tomorrow night, so he’s just leaving.
Aaron: I’m happy to stay.
Victoria: What, are we barbarians? No, I insist that you come back on the correct night.
Danny: Hello, Melanie. These are for you.
Aaron: What? Who’s this guy?
Danny: I’m her date. Who’s this guy?
Victoria: Uh This is Melanie’s gynecologist.
Elka: He’s here to examine Joy.
Melanie: Yes! Excellent. Joy has an urgent gynecological issue that we should really discuss in the kitchen due to its embarrassing nature.
Joy: Sure. That’s what’s happening.
Melanie: I’m sorry. I’ll explain everything.
Elka: The rubber gloves are under the sink.

Aaron: What the hell’s going on here?
Melanie: Um, well, yeah.
Joy: Look, Melanie’s just pretending to be on a date so he’ll bribe a judge. Let me start again. See, that guy’s got a crush on her because she got really drunk and spent the night with him, but I’ll let you two sort this out.
Melanie: Look, Aaron If you knew me you’d know that I am not the type of person to get drunk and spend the night with strangers.
Aaron: I read your chart.
Melanie: I told her not to write that stuff down! What weight did she put? Never mind. Okay, then here’s an idea we still go out tomorrow night, as planned, and we forget tonight ever happened. I’ve already forgotten about it. I don’t even know what the heck just happened in there. Yeah, I’m making it worse, aren’t I?
Aaron: A little bit.
Melanie: Oh, okay. I get it. Goodbye, Aaron.
Aaron: Goodbye, Melanie.

Victoria: So, you can imagine with something like that, Joy was simply too embarrassed to go to a gynecologist’s office, and Melanie is just really anal about keeping a clean kitchen.
Danny: Look, I’m not an idiot.
Victoria: Oh, that’s really a shame in this instance.
Danny: She’s obviously with that guy, and this whole night was a bunch of B.S. to keep me working on your boyfriend’s case.
Victoria: Okay, okay, you’re right, and I’m sorry. Look, you seem like a really good guy, and and I shouldn’t have done something so underhanded. But couldn’t we just go back to our original agreement where I give you the money and you bribe the judge?
Danny: Yeah, well, it turns out Emmet’s judge can’t be bribed. It’s starting to make me question the American judicial system.
Victoria: So you came here under false pretenses? You lied to me!
Danny: Well, you lied to me! And I’m outta here. Any chance I could get a plate of food to go?
Victoria: Will you just get out of here?

Melanie: So how’s Emmet holding up?
Victoria: Mm, he’s doing okay. I have to admit it. He was right to go the legitimate route and take the plea bargain.
Joy: And the good news is he’ll be out in less than a year.
Melanie: At least you’ll get to visit him all the time.
Victoria: Hey, I’m really sorry that I messed things up between you and Dr. Aaron.
Melanie: Oh, no, it’s okay. Maybe it is too soon for me to start dating.
Joy: That’s ridiculous. You like him and he likes you. You’re already ahead of most of my relationships.
Melanie: But I’ve sent him texts and he hasn’t responded.
Victoria: You know, there is a way he’d have to see you again.

Aaron: Melanie.
Melanie: You wouldn’t answer my texts, so I made an appointment so you’d have to see me. I got you a present. A new uterus. Mm, still has that new uterus smell. Come on, that was pretty funny.
Aaron: It was.
Melanie: [Chuckles] I’m really sorry about last night, but I really was just trying to help my friend.
Aaron: Which means you’re a nice person.
Melanie: Thank you.
Aaron: And I’d like to get to know the girl that broke my uterus. Dinner tonight?
Melanie: Yeah, I’d love to.
Aaron: I have one more patient to see. You can wait in the waiting room.
Melanie: Okay. Wait, so while I’m waiting, you’re gonna get to third base with a naked woman?
Aaron: That’s not really how doctors think of it.
Melanie: Mm-hmm, is she attractive?
Aaron: No.
Melanie: Would you tell me if she was?
Aaron: No.
Melanie: Is this something I have to get used to?
Aaron: Yep!

Elka: I said good-bye to the animals on the farm, and fled Poland that very night.
Professor: That was “Passage to Freedom,” by Joy Scroggs. Don’t clap! Only one person did a film worthy of an “A.” In a clever homage to the Godzilla films of the 1950s, which warned of the horrors of the atomic age, this film maker also used frightening imagery to provoke thought. I give you Elka Ostrovsky’s, “Man Hands.”
Joy: Wait, what?
Elka: I was married to the mob. I lived through the horrors of war. But I have never seen anything as terrifying as man hands. Man hands. I wanted the “A.”