Hot in Cleveland S03, Ep24 – Blow Outs

Season: 3
Episode: 24
Title: Blow Outs
Original Air Date: June 6, 2012


Guest Stars:
Regis Philbin: Pierre
David Spade: Christopher
Elizabeth J Carlisle: Shamed Woman
Carol Herman: Mrs. Magee


Synopsis: Victoria and Joy are jealous of how great Melanie’s hair looks. They follow her to the salon she is going to. As usual they ruin the place. They get Pierre fired. After they have a big fight and start looking for separate places to live. They all go to the same apartment. They talk and realize they are living their dream. They go back to the house to try and fix what happened to Pierre. Christopher hires him back because the business is not doing well without him. Pierre asks Elka out. At the house again. Elka informs them Pierre is asleep upstairs. They had fun in each of the ladies room’s and Joy’s bed was just right. The doorbell rings Joy opens the door to find a baby on the doorstep.


Click on either link to grab the third season of the show, it’s a great way to support the ladies and have some serious laughs.

Amazon Hot in Cleveland: Season 3

iTunes Hot in Cleveland, Season 3 – Hot in Cleveland


Favorite Quotes:

* Joy: Oh, come on, Melanie. That’s just Victoria being Victoria. We all know she can be a cat among pigeons.
Victoria: English, please.
Joy: That is English. Original English before you people bastardized it with your Hamburgers and elevators.

* Melanie: I was minutes away from getting a blow out, and instead I get kicked out with my hair still wet. My hair dried naturally.
Joy: I think it makes you look young. Like you went swimming at the beach and drove home in a convertible. Then got hit by lightning.

* Victoria: We’re not getting any younger here, Melanie.
Melanie: This is exactly what I’m talking about. You barely listen to me.
Victoria: Because you take forever to get to the point. Now I can say what’s wrong with both of you in two words. You’re a wimp and you’re a bummer.

* Victoria: That is so not fair. I make the lists, you do the shopping, and Joy drinks all the vodka.

* Joy: It means living with you is like a never-ending game of Jeopardy. Everything is in the form of a question!
Melanie: Where in the world would you get that idea?
Joy: And there’s our Daily Double.

* Victoria: And then the next morning, talk about how fun it would be to someday all live together. Like we do now.
Joy: We’re actually living our dream. And to think we were about to throw it away over a bunch of nonsense.

* Joy: Well, at least you got a new boyfriend.
Elka: Hold it down. He’s asleep upstairs.
Melanie: Wait, Pierre’s asleep in one of our rooms?
Elka: We goldilocks-ed your place. Joy’s bed was just right.

* (doorbell rings) Joy: I’ll get it. On my way out to buy a new mattress.


Transcript:

Victoria: Melanie, explain yourself.
Melanie: I don’t know what you’re talking about.
Joy: Oh, I think you do. Your hair looks amazing. When was your last blow out?
Melanie: I don’t know. Seven, eight days? Who keeps track?
Victoria: We do, it’s been 12 days. Who is this magical hairdresser?
Joy: We demand to know who’s blowing you.
Melanie: I’d rather not say.
Joy: Why not?
Melanie: Because every time I find a cool, charming Cleveland place, you two do something to ruin it.
Victoria; What are you talking about?
Melanie: Ray’s dry cleaners.
Victoria: They were trying to devalue my brand.
Melanie: They just wanted to put your photo on their wall. I think it’s sweet.
Victoria: Not when the only other headshots on the wall are of their ugly niece and Klinger.
Joy: Actually, I think they’re both his niece.
Melanie: Anyway, every time I go in there, Ray asks why you don’t come around any more. It’s embarrassing.
Victoria: Who is Ray?
Melanie: The man who owns “Ray’s” dry cleaners. The place we’re talking about.
Joy: Oh, come on, Melanie. That’s just Victoria being Victoria. We all know she can be a cat among pigeons.
Victoria: English, please.
Joy: That is English. Original English before you people bastardized it with your Hamburgers and elevators. The point is, I don’t ruin places.
Melanie: You told the manager at Gremore’s that they needed to incorporate more vegan dishes.
Joy: Well, they should.
Melanie: They’re a barbecue joint.
Joy: Veganism is the new Atkins. I’m giving them the tools to be relevant.
Melanie: This is exactly what I’m talking about. You two are always looking down your noses at Cleveland.
Victoria: Well, of course. Looking down the nose is flattering to the neckline.

Melanie: How great is it that we got appointments at the same time? Now we can gossip with each other. I just have to get all my talking out before I see Christopher. He says the sound of my voice makes him wanna kill himself.
Christopher: No, no, no. Out of my salon, get out!
Confused Woman: But why?
Christopher: You cut your own bangs.
Confused Woman: It is my hair.
Christopher: No, no, it’s my hair. You’re just the dirt from which it grows. Out!
Confused Woman: Are we still on for tonight?
Christopher: I suppose. I’ll do you, but not your hair. Scram.
Melanie: Hi, Christopher.
Christopher: Ugh! That voice. I need to go soothe my nerves.
Elka: What a putz. You really should switch to Pierre.
Melanie: Oh, I don’t know. Isn’t Pierre a little flirty?
Elka: Yeah, but it’s okay. He’s gay.
Pierre: Elka, you sexy beast! I want to snap you in two and suck out the middle.
Elka: Oh, Pierre.
Old Woman: Thank you, Pierre. This is for you.
Pierre: Put it in the bank, sweetheart. Thank you very much. And who is this beautiful creature? Your sister?
Elka: Older sister.
Pierre: Both of you, come on back and let’s get you started.
Melanie: Oh, wait, no, I don’t know if I’m allowed to sit in the chair yet. You know, Christopher.
Pierre: Girlfriend, please!
Melanie: Are you sure?
Pierre: Absolutely sure. And as for you, if that fabulous tushy isn’t in that chair in 20 seconds, it’s gonna be in my hands.
Elka: It’s okay. He’s gay.
Melanie: Yeah. Got that.
Pierre: So much gorgeous in this room, it’s like being backstage at a drag show.
Christopher: Whoa, whoa, whoa, who told you you could sit there?
Pierre: I did.
Christopher: I told you never speak to my clients. I don’t like them to feel comfortable talking.
Melanie: I could go sit in the reception area. Really, it’s not a problem.
Pierre: Now you’ve upset Melanie. Shame on you!
Christopher: Yeah, yeah.
Pierre: Come on, sugarbuns. Let’s go get you shampooed. Oh, if I could be your bra for one day. What am I saying? I’d get nothing done!
Christopher: What’s going on here? Speak.
Melanie: Well, it’s been about–
Christopher: Not you, your hair! What has she done to you? Run her greasy fingers through you? Huh? Try on some hot girl’s hat she’s 20 years too old for?
Melanie: It was just a beret, I swear.
Victoria: Well, well, well, what have we here?
Melanie: Oh, my God, how did you guys find me?
Joy: We have our ways.
Melanie: You followed me, didn’t you?
Joy: Yes, that is our way.
Melanie: I cannot believe you two.
Victoria: Oh, relax, we just wanted to see what all the fuss was about. Still wanna see it.
Christopher: Excuse me, I don’t come to your work and knock the mop out of your hands.
Joy: Rude to customers. Very un-Cleveland.
Christopher: You, go get shampooed. You two, time to leave. Buh-bye.
Melanie: Yeah. Buh-bye.
Victoria: One question before I go. Is it true that your blow outs last 12 days?
Christopher: No, 14. 16 if the bitch follows my instructions.
Victoria: He’s so mean.
Joy: I know, I love him already. You have to do my hair, today.
Christopher: I’m booked.
Joy: Yeah, yeah, there’s always room if the price is right. What do you charge?
Christopher: $30.
Joy: Look, we’re not gonna get anywhere if you insist on joking around. What do you charge?
Victoria: If your blow outs are as good as I think they are, you could be charging ten times that amount.
Christopher: Oh, people wouldn’t pay that.
Victoria: Of course they would. Nothing’s more seductive than the illusion of exclusivity.
Christopher: I have been thinking about taking the salon in a new direction.
Victoria: Yeah, like out of 1975? I mean, what is with this area over here with the hooded driers and the dog photos?
Joy: Yeah, this area has to go.
Christopher: That’s what I’ve been thinking. Pierre, get out here.
Pierre: What is it?
Christopher: You’re fired.
Pierre: What? Let me lather, rinse and repeat that. What?!
Victoria: Wait, wait, wait, this is not what I was talking about.
Christopher: Quiet, robot. I’m taking the salon in a new direction. I’m tired of you holding me back.
Pierre: You want me out? I’m out.
Christopher: Good.
Pierre: Good!
Christopher: Fine.
Pierre: Fine!
Melanie: What’s going on out here?
Pierre: The pissant fired me. Somehow he’s got an idea that I’m holding him back. But in the words of Abba, “The winner takes it all.”
Melanie: Now where would Christopher get the idea that Pierre’s holding him back?
Elka: Well, wherever Pierre is going, we’re going too. Right, Melanie?
Melanie: Uh.
Elka: Come on, let’s just storm out of here.
Melanie: Yeah, but wouldn’t my storming look better if my hair was freshly blown out?
Elka: Now, Melanie.
Melanie: Come on, you guys.
Victoria: I would, but I think an appointment just opened up.
Christopher: Skinny, in the chair. Skinnier, go get shampoo.
Joy: Which is which?
Victoria: He’s trying to sow dissension between us. The man is a genius.

Melanie: I was minutes away from getting a blow out, and instead I get kicked out with my hair still wet. My hair dried naturally.
Joy: I think it makes you look young. Like you went swimming at the beach and drove home in a convertible. Then got hit by lightning.
Melanie: I can’t believe you guys showed up at the salon.
Victoria: Well, if you didn’t want us there, then why didn’t you say so?
Melanie: I did. Like a hundred times.
Victoria: Well, I didn’t hear it.
Melanie: Of course not. The only way to guarantee you hear anything is to mention your agent called.
Victoria: Well, I don’t know why you’re taking this out on me. Joy’s the one who said, “who cares how Melanie feels? Let’s follow her.”
Joy: I told you that in confidence. And I didn’t say it. Look, she’s the one that got Pierre fired.
Victoria: No, no, no that was Melanie’s fault. If you hadn’t been getting secret blow outs, this never would have happened. J’accuse!
Melanie: Okay, let’s just stop. Obviously there’s some tension here. And I think we have all noticed that we have been getting on each other’s nerves lately. So I think it might be a good idea if we just clear the air and vent our frustrations in a calm and respectful manner.
Joy: Okay, that’s a good idea.
Victoria: I’m willing to try.
Melanie: And I’ll start by saying I love you both. But, uh, lately, you have a been a little, shall we say, disrespectful. For example, when–
Victoria: We’re not getting any younger here, Melanie.
Melanie: This is exactly what I’m talking about. You barely listen to me.
Victoria: Because you take forever to get to the point. Now I can say what’s wrong with both of you in two words. You’re a wimp and you’re a bummer.
Joy: In what way am I bummer?
Victoria: Well, you’re always pooh-poohing things and your “can’t do” attitude is exhausting.
Joy: I will file that under “things Victoria says that make no sense” or, to avoid redundancy, “things Victoria says”.
Melanie: Okay, come on, that’s not calm and respectful.
Victoria: Thank God we have Hall Monitor Melanie to keep us in line.
Melanie: I’ll have you know that hall monitor was a respected position in my high school. If you wanted to go to the bathroom, you had to go through me.
Joy: While we’re on Melanie, do you have to be so damn friendly to everyone we run into?
Victoria: You know, just once I would like to be able to go to the grocery store without being introduced to the bag boy.
Melanie: Like you’ve ever been to a grocery store. I’m the one that does all the shopping.
Victoria: That is so not fair. I make the lists, you do the shopping, and Joy drinks all the vodka.
Joy: How else do you expect me to sit through one of your “it’s so hard being famous” stories?
Victoria: I’m sorry. Am I seriously being attacked for being a celebrity?
Joy: Newsflash, the ins and outs of the Lifetime Original Movie where you portrayed a sexy manicurist who played by her own rules, aren’t as interesting as you think.
Victoria: I’ll have you know that Lifetime had its best ratings of the year with You’re Soaking In It.
Melanie: What exactly were the manicurist rules she was breaking anyway?
Victoria: And here come the questions.
Melanie: What is that supposed to mean?
Joy: It means living with you is like a never-ending game of Jeopardy. Everything is in the form of a question!
Melanie: Where in the world would you get that idea?
Joy: And there’s our Daily Double.
Melanie: So what? Are there worse things in the world? And yes, I realize those are both questions to which there is one answer. [blows raspberry]
Joy: Well This was certainly productive. I think I’m done here.
Melanie: Me too.
Victoria: Me too. But seriously, did my agent call?
Melanie and Joy: No!

Elka: Hello, traitors.
Victoria: Pierre, Joy is so very sorry about what happened today.
Joy: Yes, Victoria would like to apologize for any part she played in you getting fired.
Pierre: Please, like the great Gloria Gaynor once said, I will survive. Besides, who could be unhappy surrounded by three gorgeous women?
Melanie: Oh, that’s so sweet, but there’s four of us here.
Pierre: I know. You’ve got to do something about that hair. Holy Toledo. It’s a mess!

Pierre: Let’s have a little fun with this, shall we? Have you ever thought about going a tiny bit shorter? A little brighter?
Melanie: Yeah, I have, actually.
Pierre: Then leave it to Pierre.
Joy: Oh, God.
Victoria: Good lord.
Elka: You look fantastic.

Christopher: All right, done. But you’re gonna have to wear this wig until it grows back.
Melanie: Oh, my God, it’s perfect. It looks just like my old hair.
Christopher: That’s ’cause I’m a genius. Say it.
Melanie: You’re a genius.
Christopher: Stop kissing my ass.
Melanie: This is a relief. Normally I’d be excited to go home and show my roommates, but, oh, after the fight we just had Let’s just say the gloves came off. We’re not even speaking to each other.
Christopher: I don’t care.
Melanie: It’s just that it’s not only this one thing. Lately they’ve been–
Victoria: Driving me crazy. I mean it is kind of remarkable that we got along as long as we did. A lonely British expat, an all-American girl next door, and an under-appreciated, though highly sought after actress living away from the limelight. I won’t insult your intelligence by telling you who the beautiful actress is.
Christopher: Yeah. I don’t care.
Victoria: Oh, it was a horrible argument. But in my defense, Melanie is obnoxiously nice.
Christopher: I don’t care.
Victoria: And Joy, I mean, she has such amazingly low self-esteem. It’s probably why she’s always falling into bed with the most unavailable men.
Christopher: Go on.
Victoria: I have half a mind to–
Joy: Try to find a place of my own.
Christopher: I don’t care. Listen, sweetie, I got a client coming, so could you, you know, fold up the couch and beat it?
Joy: Wait, what about getting my hair blown out?
Christopher: Oh, babe, sorry, no time. Come here. There you go.
Joy: Thanks. Call me.
Christopher: Yeah, yeah, yeah, for sure.
Joy: I love you.

Victoria: What are you doing here?
Melanie: What are you doing here?
Victoria: I asked you first.
Melanie: I was here first.
Victoria: It seems that we are at a stalemate.
Joy: Well, clearly we’re all here for the same reason. We’re all thinking about moving out.
Victoria: Yes, and obviously we all saw the advertisement for this apartment at the salon.
Joy: No, I found it a different way.
Melanie: You followed us?
Joy: That is my way.
Melanie: Fine, we’re all here to find an apartment of our own so let’s just look at it on our own.
Joy: Fine.
Victoria: Fine.
Joy: This place is sad.
Melanie: Really sad.
Victoria: This place is where sad comes to hang itself.
Melanie: Maybe I’m just sad because I really hate it when we fight.
Joy: Me too.
Victoria: Oh, me too. Let’s not beat ourselves up. I mean, we’ve been living together for three years. We were due.
Melanie: And it’s not the end of the world that we wanna find our own place. I mean, we are adults.
Joy: Exactly. We all had our own places in L.A.
Melanie: Mm-hmm, and we can still hang out like we did in L.A.
Joy: And have sleepovers like we did in L.A.
Victoria: And then the next morning, talk about how fun it would be to someday all live together. Like we do now.
Joy: We’re actually living our dream. And to think we were about to throw it away over a bunch of nonsense.
Melanie: It may be weird that women our age live together, but I really like it.
Victoria: Me too.
Joy: Me too.
Victoria: Okay, then let’s just go home and pretend none of this ever happened.
Melanie: But we still have a mess to clean up and Elka’s still mad at us for getting Pierre fired.
Victoria: Who’s Pierre?
Joy: Your agent called. Pierre is the guy we got fired.
Melanie: And we have to get him his job back.
Joy: Christopher will never take him back, he’s too outdated.
Melanie: So let’s give him a makeover.

Pierre: I look ridiculous. Without my neckerchief and my white bucks, I feel a little gay.
Christopher: You are two scoops of yummy with a side of ka-pow! Oh. Hello, Pierre.
Older Woman: Pierre! You told me he was dead. And to think I slept with you.
Christopher: She’ll be back.
Pierre: What the hell is going on here?
Christopher: All right, I poached some of your clients. I thought I could run the salon without you, but then I realized that most of our business is older ladies. No offense.
Joy/Melanie/Victoria: Why would I be offended?
Christopher: It turns out, in this economy, no one wants to pay $300 for a blow dry. In fact, these three idiots are the only ones that did.
Melanie: Your hair doesn’t look done.
Joy: Shh! Let him talk.
Pierre: So, uh, you want me back.
Christopher: Yes, dad.
Melanie: Dad? I have so many questions That I won’t ask.
Christopher: But no more scented candles.
Pierre: And then no more yelling at the customers.
Christopher: Then no more Abba.
Pierre: And if you get to date the customers, so do I.
Christopher: Then be my guest.
Pierre: How about it, sweet cheeks? Wanna hit the town?
Elka: You’re interested in me?
Pierre: Haven’t you noticed that I’ve been hitting on you relentlessly for the past 20 years?
Victoria: But we all thought that you were–
Pierre: An insatiable ladies’ man? I get that all the time. I assure you, I’m a one-woman guy.
Elka: Well, how could I possibly say no?
Pierre: Sweet Barbra Streisand. I can’t wait to get my hands on those buns! Hurry up!
Elka: It’s okay. He’s not gay.

Victoria: To everything going back to just the way it was.
Melanie: Yes, and, Elka, thank you for this beautiful bottle of champagne.
Elka: Actually, I bought it for myself. To celebrate you guys moving out.
Joy: Well, at least you got a new boyfriend.
Elka: Hold it down. He’s asleep upstairs.
Melanie: Wait, Pierre’s asleep in one of our rooms?
Elka: We goldilocks-ed your place. Joy’s bed was just right.
(doorbell rings)
Joy: I’ll get it. On my way out to buy a new mattress.
[Joy opens the door and sees as baby on the porch]
Joy: Oh, my God.
Victoria: Oh, my God.
Melanie: Oh, my God.
Elka: Sacre bleu! Pierre’s teaching me French.
Victoria: Do people still leave babies on doorsteps?
Joy: Does it matter if it’s a done thing? It’s been done.
Melanie: Well, what are we gonna do?
Elka: Good question, Melanie. Good question.

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Hot in Cleveland S03, Ep23 – What’s Behind The Door?

Season: 3
Episode: 23
Title: What’s Behind The Door?
Original Air Date: May 30, 2012


Guest Stars:
Cybill Shepherd: Apryl
Rosa Blasi: Jessica
Mel Rodriguez: Hector
Barry Bostwick: Hugh
Francine York: Lady Natalie
Albert Marreo, Jr: Luis


Synopsis: It’s the third anniversary of the end of Edge of Tomorrow. Victoria is feeling down. She decides to try and resurrect the show. She goes to the creator’s house and they finally agree to do it. It’ll be an app. Melanie is the writer, Joy is hair and make up and Elka is playing Lady Natalie. Victoria’s TV station rebuilds the set so they can tape episodes. Hector, who played Luis, is no longer the sexy pool boy, but he still has the hots for Joy. And Jessica needs her lines in even bigger print in the drawers. The whole thing blows up. Apyrl finally tells Victoria the truth about why she ended the show. They wanted Honor St. Raven killed off, permanently. Victoria finally gets closure.


Click on either link to grab the third season of the show, it’s a great way to support the ladies and have some serious laughs.

Amazon Hot in Cleveland: Season 3

iTunes Hot in Cleveland, Season 3 – Hot in Cleveland


Favorite Quotes:

* Victoria: I know what’ll cheer you up. Let’s watch the last episode again. Only this time with my voice-over commentary.
Joy: Is that on the DVD?
Victoria: No, I’ll just do it now.
Elka: Wait, I’m getting a vision of the future. Oh, it’s me puncturing my own eardrums.

* Victoria: I’ll do it. I’ll star in new webisodes of Edge Of Tomorrow.
Joy: Victoria, you’re doing that thing where you accept parts in shows that don’t exist.

* Apryl: But he’s not married any more.
Joy: Hot damn, I am so gonna tap that.

* Hector: Yes, I am no longer a slave to the gym. I got rid of my trainer.
Elka: What’d he do, eat him?

* Elka: How much?
Hector: No, no, no. Not money. Her.
Elka: Done.
Joy: Elka, you can’t trade me for lipstick.
Elka: Oh, please, you’ve given it up for less than that.

* Elka: Wow. You’re life really is sad.
Joy: I’m sad? You’re putting nipple stick on your lips.
Elka: I’m loving it!


Transcript:

Elka: Why are you watching the last episode of Edge Of Tomorrow?
Victoria: Ah-ha! You said you never watched it. You said it was terrible.
Elka: No, I watched it. I said you were terrible.
Melanie: It’s the third anniversary of the cancellation of the show. So we watch it with Victoria to cheer her up.
Victoria: It’s the one day of the year I reserve to really think about myself. Now watch.

Victoria: Lady Natalie. Dr. Tess Montgomery. Judge Thorndike. I always expected one of you to betray me. But not all three.
Dr. Tess: You’re ruined, Honor St. Raven. Pack your bags and leave Primrose Valley.
Lady Natalie: Like many of the harlots before you, you will not be missed, my dear.
Victoria: Why all this cruelty?
Judge: As you well know, our relationship never recovered from your little affair with Luis The sexy Latin pool boy.
Luis: I haven’t been a sexy Latin pool boy for 15 years. I am a sexy Latin lawyer.
Victoria: That’s it! I’m leaving. But you haven’t heard the last of Honor St.
Raven! Oh, my God.

Victoria: How tragic is it that I will never know what was waiting for Honor St.
Raven on the other side of that door?
Elka: I’ll tell you what’s tragic. They’ve stopped making my favorite lipstick color.
Melanie: Oh, man!
Joy: Unbelievable they did that.
Elka: I’ve been wearing “Prohibition Pink” for 75 years.
Victoria: I know what’ll cheer you up. Let’s watch the last episode again. Only this time with my voice-over commentary.
Joy: Is that on the DVD?
Victoria: No, I’ll just do it now.
Elka: Wait, I’m getting a vision of the future. Oh, it’s me puncturing my own eardrums.
Melanie: You know though, it’s too bad they didn’t bring it back online as webisodes. Like they tried to do with All My Children.
Victoria: I’ll do it. I’ll star in new webisodes of Edge Of Tomorrow.
Joy: Victoria, you’re doing that thing where you accept parts in shows that don’t exist.
Victoria: No, but it can. I mean, fans have obsessed for years about what was behind that door. Now all I need to do is to get Apryl Sinclaire, the show’s creator, on board.
Melanie: She’ll never do it. Oh, they couldn’t stand each other.
Joy: They fought all the time about who was responsible for Honor St. Raven.
Victoria: Which is ridiculous. I mean, sure she created the character and wrote her lines, but it was my acting that brought her to life. Now Apryl was a horrid pig about it but I always took the high road.
Joy: But weren’t your last words to Apryl, “I hate you and I hope you die.”
Victoria: Well, in Hollywood that’s practically “Aloha.” It means both “hello” and “good-bye.”

Hugh: Victoria Chase.
Victoria: Hugh Fletcher?
Hugh: Why are you here?
Victoria: I should ask you the same thing. And I will. Why are you here?
Hugh: The day after our show ended, I took all of my money and I made a little film called Twilight.
Victoria: That’s amazing!
Hugh: And then the real Twilight came out. And I was sued for copyright infringement and I lost everything. So now I’m working as Apryl Sinclaire’s butler.
Victoria: [Gasps] Well, this room is exactly like our old set. Oh, if I pull open a drawer, will Dr. Tess Montgomery’s dialog be written in it?
Hugh: And yet, that bubblehead got all the meaty scenes and I was relegated to providing exposition and reminding others of what the plot points were!
Victoria: Well, to be honest, I never really paid attention to what the other people on the show were saying.
Apryl: Well, well, well. Look what the cat drug in.
Victoria: Apryl Sinclaire, my old friend.
Hugh: This is an awkward moment. The two of you haven’t seen each other in three years. And you did not depart on the best of terms. I should exit. [Clears throat]
Victoria: I fear we started off on the wrong foot. I actually came here to bury the hatchet and move forward.
Apryl: Not until you say that Honor St. Raven was based on me.
Victoria: I’ll gladly say those words. Honor St. Raven was based on me.
Apryl: I don’t want to have this fight.
Victoria: Neither do I.
Apryl: I’m Honor St. Raven.
Victoria: Honor St. Raven is me.
Apryl: I’m her.
Victoria: Fine. She’s me. And now that that’s settled, uh, let’s talk about why I’m here. How would you like to help me bring back Edge Of Tomorrow?
Apryl: You mean on TV?
Victoria: Not exactly.
Apryl: Webisodes? Like All My Children?
Victoria: Not exactly. I’ve talked to some marketing people who want to do it as an app.
Apryl: An app?
Victoria: The news station where I work has agreed to recreate the set, and with product placement, we can pay for the whole thing. So what do you say?
Apryl: [Gasps] Hugh!
Hugh: I have standing orders to have the bags ready should anybody show the slightest bit of interest in resurrecting the show. To sum up, she’ll do it.

Hugh: After our long flight from Los Angeles, we have arrived in Cleveland.
Melanie: Well, Victoria, this is so exciting. You’re bringing your show back.
Apryl: My show.
Victoria: Apryl is correct, my show. And we have our first sponsor. The good people at 3 Musketeers. We just have to make sure that a major character is seen eating a 3 Musketeers bar or is named “3 Musketeers bar.”
Melanie: I’m sorry but it always takes me out of a show when I see a product displayed so boldly. But wow, these things are really good!
Victoria: Joy, you’ll be happy to know that Hector Cruz–
Hugh: The sexy Latin lawyer.
Apryl: Has agreed to do the show just because of you.
Joy: Oh, please. I did his eyebrows on the show a few times. He flirted with me, but besides his being married, he’s just not my type.
Apryl: But he’s not married any more.
Joy: Hot damn, I am so gonna tap that.
Elka: Me too.
Joy: What?
Elka: It’s just as likely.
Apryl: Okay, everybody, let’s go. You’re a writer, so you’ll be my writing staff.
Melanie: As soon as you let go of my face, okay.
Apryl: And you can do hair and makeup!
Joy: I know I can. It’s my job.
Elka: Grab my face, you’ll pull back a stump.
Melanie: Okay, if I’m the writer, I do have a few questions. How many actors are coming back?
Victoria: Only the ones from the last scene. It’s all we could afford.
Melanie: Well, then who’s on the other side of the door?
Victoria: Ooh, we didn’t think about that.
Hugh: Well, as we all know, everyone on the show had an evil twin.
Victoria: My character had two evil twins.
Apryl: As I do in real life.
Melanie: Okay. If we’re gonna continue the series, how do we explain that all the other characters disappeared? We can’t just say an atom bomb went off.
Apryl: Wait, I’ve got it. An atom bomb went off.
[Cell phone beeps].
Victoria: Oh, no. It’s from Elizabeth Meadow. The upper crust British Lady Natalie. She got a better offer. She’s playing a corpse on Psych.
Hugh: Cable’s delightful mystery comedy.
Apryl: Okay, now what are we gonna do? We have to find an actress to play this part at the last minute.
Elka: Perhaps, my dear, I can be of assistance.
Hugh: Well as you all can see, Victoria’s news station did an excellent job in recreating our set.
Victoria: With a few exceptions. Uh, some of the windows and doors don’t work. But it’ll do. And we have two new sponsors. Bed, Bath & Beyond and then at some point someone has to say “Happy Birthday, Nana,” from Ed and Denise Milch.
Melanie: Yeah, that’ll be easy to fit in.
Elka: [Laughs]
Jessica: Victoria! I am so excited! Oh, you haven’t changed a bit.
Joy: I’m not Victoria.
Victoria: Jessica, I’m Victoria.
Jessica: Oh! Victoria! You haven’t changed a bit.
Victoria: Oh-ho-ho.
Jessica: And Apryl You haven’t changed a bit.
Apryl: Jessica, honey, are you all right?
Jessica: Oh, I got lasik surgery. On my eyes. I don’t think it turned out so good. Even though I went to a really good eye dentist. So you may have to write my lines a little bigger inside the drawers.
Hector: Joy! Where are you, my sweet?
Joy: It’s Hector. He’s here.
Hector: Joy. You’re as beautiful as ever.
Joy: I recognize you as well.
Hector: Yes, I am no longer a slave to the gym. I got rid of my trainer.
Elka: What’d he do, eat him?
Joy: What about your hair?
Hector: It was a weave. I got behind on my payments. What hasn’t thinned is my desire for you. [Loud kiss] Ay dios mio, I could take you right now!
Elka: Out for a burger.
Apryl: Okay, everyone, get in costume. Rehearsal in ten.
Hector: I’ll be back in five. All I have to do is take off my shirt. Am I right, ladies?
Jessica: Oh, Hector, you haven’t changed a bit.
Hugh: Let me get this straight. We’re still gonna go through with this, despite several obvious potential disasters.
Apryl: All right. From Honor’s line and action. Lady Natalie. Dr. Tess Montgomery. Judge Thorndike. I always expected one of you to betray me. But not all three.
Apryl: Cut. Victoria, Honor St. Raven cries after that line.
Victoria: Honor St. Raven would do no such thing because Honor St.
Raven, me, would never give these people the satisfaction of crying in front of them.
Melanie: Okay, what if Honor says “I won’t give you the satisfaction of seeing me cry. Instead I will take satisfaction from this classic light and fluffy whipped nougat.”
Victoria: Powerful.
Apryl: Good stuff.
Melanie: Yeah, it just came to me. In a text from our sponsor.
Apryl: Okay, places everyone. Let’s start with Jessica’s line.
Dr. Tess/Jessica: You’re ruined, Honor St. Raven. Pack your bags and leave Primrose Valley.
Lady Natalie: Like the many harlots before you, you will not be missed, my dear.
Apryl: Cut. What’s with the straw?
Elka: I’m conserving my lipstick. So FYI, no kissing scenes. Sorry, Hugh.
Apryl: Okay, from Honor’s line and action.
Victoria: Why all this cruelty?
Hugh: As you well know Our relationship has never recovered from your little affair with Luis the sexy Latin pool boy.
Hector: I haven’t been a sexy Latin pool boy in 15 years. I’m a sexy Latin lawyer.
Apryl: [Sighs] What do we do?
Melanie: Well, we could do what you did with actresses that got pregnant on your show.
Hector: I haven’t been a sexy Latin pool boy in 15 years. I’m a sexy Latin lawyer, who likes his women like he likes his laundry– fresh, and folded.
Melanie: I’ll work on that line.
Apryl: Mm. Let’s go to Victoria at the door.
Victoria: Well, that’s it. I’m leaving. And you haven’t heard the last of Honor St.
Raven!
Jessica: Oh, my God. [Gasps] It’s [Drawer opens] Made in China!
Apryl: Other drawer, honey!
Jessica: It’s [Drawer opens] Senator Jason Von Klauss!
Hugh: My twin brother, whom I haven’t spoken to in 20 years. And I refuse to be in the same room with him! Unh! Geez!
Victoria: Uh, that’s one of the doors that doesn’t work.
Jessica: It’s Senator Jason Von Klauss!
Senator: I have shocking news. Terrorists have set off an atomic bomb. Everyone else in Primrose Valley have gone to the great beyond. And all we have left are these few items from the great Bed, Bath & Beyond.
Lady Natalie: Only one thing would surprise me more. If you were to say “Happy Birthday, Nana, from Ed and Denise Milch.”
Victoria: I can’t believe it, everyone is gone.
Apyrl: Cut. Once again, the stage directions say “cry.”
Victoria: And once again, Honor St. Raven would not cry. Which I know because I am Honor St. Raven.
Apryl: No, I am Honor St. Raven! You’re just a puppet that butchers my lines. I’m gonna pull the plug on this disaster.
Victoria: Yeah! Yeah, go ahead and give up. That’s what you do best. God, if you had any guts at all, then our show would still be on the air!
Apryl: You don’t know what you’re talking about. I hate you and I hope you die!
Victoria: Oh, very mature. I hate you and I hope you die.
Melanie: No, guys, don’t go now! The next scene is gold! And we have to pay for lunch if we don’t mention the taco truck.

Apryl: Well, I’m leaving. Thanks for wasting my time.
Victoria: Thanks for ruining my career.
Apryl: I gave you your career.
Victoria: And then you took it away. If you had stood up to the network, Edge Of Tomorrow wouldn’t have been cancelled. But you just gave up without a fight. And I am not letting you go back to L.A. Until you admit that I’m right.
Apry: You’re right.
Victoria: Wow. You really don’t know how to put up much of a fight, do you?
Apryl: Yes, I could have kept the show on the air. But only if I killed off Honor St.
Raven. That’s what was waiting for you on the other side of that door– a bullet.
Victoria: Well, so what? I’ve been killed off five or six times. I always come back. Once I even had to perform brain surgery on myself while being held hostage in a submarine.
Apryl: No, this would have been a real death. You see, the network wanted the show to revolve around a younger character.
Victoria: Younger?
Apryl: Yes.
Victoria: Oh.
Joy: Wow.
Melanie: I know. But should we really be eavesdropping?
Joy: You’re right, let’s go.
Apryl: I even wrote her death scene but I couldn’t go through with it. I loved Honor St. Raven too much.
Victoria: So you cancelled the show to keep her alive.
Apryl: Yes.
Victoria: I see. Uh, if you wouldn’t mind telling me, what were my dying words?
Apryl: Well, I don’t remember them exactly.
Victoria: Oh, that’s okay. I wouldn’t have done them exactly.
Apryl: You apologized to anyone you may have wronged. And then you whispered, “Honor St. Raven is no more.”
Victoria: “Honor St. Raven, never more.”
Apryl: And I haven’t written a word since.
Melanie: We really shouldn’t be spying on them like this.
Joy: I know. We should go.
Melanie: Seriously. Now.
Joy: Uh-huh.
Victoria: Thank you.
Apryl: For what?
Victoria: For creating Honor, protecting her, and loving her as much as I did. Because she was you.
Apryl: She was both of us.
Victoria: Maybe a little more me.
Apryl: But probably not.
Victoria: Feels like she’s really dead now. Maybe I can finally say good-bye and mourn her loss.
Apryl: Me too.
Victoria: And maybe we can finally both move on.
Apryl: I don’t really think there’s any more moving on for me. That show was the last chapter of my life.
Hugh: I couldn’t help overhearing. Because I was eavesdropping.
Joy: Unbelievable.
Hugh: Apryl Let me be the next chapter in your life. Will you marry me?
Apyrl: What?
Hugh: As you don’t know, because I have never told you I’ve always been in love with you.
Apryl: Oh. And I you. Of course I’ll marry you.
Hugh: Ooh. To recap, she said “yes.”
Apryl: Yes!
Both: Aw!
Victoria: Have you been eavesdropping this entire time?
Elka: How terribly rude!
Victoria: Well, I for one am going to look at Honor St. Raven’s death as a new beginning. If Cheers hadn’t ended, we wouldn’t have had Becker. In which I played a woman who Becker found stuffy.

Melanie: Elka, if you want to save your lipstick, you shouldn’t blot your lips.
Elka: I didn’t. That’s my color. It’s a weird lip print.
Hector: Ah, that is mine. And it’s not a lip print.
Melanie: Please don’t tell us what it is.
Hector: Oh, no, no, no. It’s nothing bad. It’s just lipstick I use for my pecs. So that my nipples pop on camera.
Melanie: Yeah, that’s burned in there.
Elka: Do you have more of it?
Hector: Sadly it’s been discontinued. This is my last tube.
Elka: How much?
Hector: No, no, no. Not money. Her.
Elka: Done.
Joy: Elka, you can’t trade me for lipstick.
Elka: Oh, please, you’ve given it up for less than that.
Hector: What do you say, Joy? Give me a chance.
Joy: Well, maybe I was being unfair. You seem like a nice person and I’ve had a really tough year. There are a few guys I really liked, but none of them worked out the way I wanted. I’m kind of at a crossroads in my life. You know, typical Virgo.
Hector: Excuse me. [Sighs] Are you one of those women who talks about stuff?
Joy: Yeah, I talk about stuff.
Hector: Yeah. I just got divorced from someone who wanted to talk about stuff. And, well, it’s It’s not what I want right now. Good-bye, Joy.
Elka: Wow. You’re life really is sad.
Joy: I’m sad? You’re putting nipple stick on your lips.
Elka: I’m loving it!

Hot in Cleveland S03, Ep22 – Storage Wars

Season: 3
Episode: 22
Title: Storage Wars
Original Air Date: May 16, 2012


Guest Stars:
Jon Lovitz: Artie
Christen Sussin: Shelley
Dan Dotson: Dan Dotson
Laura Dotson: Laura Dotson
James Denton: Kerouac Cowboy
Lyn Alicia Henderson: Lauren


Synopsis: The ladies go to an auction. Victoria goes crazy and bids $3,000 on a worthless storage unit. There is a CB though. Back at the house Elka is talking on the CB. When she leaves the room another voice comes on and Joy starts talking to him. She lies and says she’s got big boobs (earlier she bought some water bras to give herself a size-able chest). Melanie and Victoria are going through the rest of the junk she got from the storage unit. Melanie finds a letter attached to the painting. It turns out to be from Lincoln. They have a Lincoln expert come out to check it’s authenticity, it turns out to be Artie. He deems it authentic. Victoria wants to put it in the world to erase her Ladypants nightmare. Joy is still talking to her cowboy on the CB. She distracts him and causes him to crash. She grabs Elka and they go looking for him. Elka says something nice and Joy hugs her, but her knitting needles wind up in the water bra, and it becomes a water spout. Elka gives her a ball of yarn to compensate. Back at the bar, Victoria is late to meet with the 60 Minutes lady. She gets there and decides she can’t ruin Lincoln the way Ladypants has ruined her. She gives the letter to Artie to do what he sees fit with. Back at the truck Joy and her cowboy are talking (and drooling). He sees a string and pulls it, but its the yarn and now she’s down a boob. She tells the truth and they keep talking and having some beers. When they leave they pick up Melanie and Victoria from the bar. A cop pulls them over and Elka tells them she is still test driving the car, but that she’s gonna buy it (she’s had it for a week). She tells Joy to put the water bra back on to try and keep them from getting arrested.


Click on either link to grab the third season of the show, it’s a great way to support the ladies and have some serious laughs.

Amazon Hot in Cleveland: Season 3

iTunes Hot in Cleveland, Season 3 – Hot in Cleveland


Favorite Quotes:

* Joy: I hope they start soon. This place smells like worn-out mattresses.
Elka: Oh, you must feel right at home.

* Laura Dotson: Somebody’s got Ladypants money.

* Victoria: Well, we don’t need a Lincoln expert to see that we’ve entered the reconstruction era.
Joy: Oh, it’s just a water bra. I picked a few up at the mall. (scroll down for a treat)

* Joy: Really? I don’t know a lot about American history, but can you even get elected if you’re not a horny bastard?

* Joy: Entune, is the Kerouac Cowboy my destiny?
Elka: It’s not a magic 8 ball. It just finds things you need.
Joy: “The nearest psychiatric facility is in 20 miles.”

* Joy: Oh, my God, Elka! What did you do to me?
Elka: I didn’t ask you to hug me, you bony nitwit.

* Melanie: Granted, it’s embarrassing. But don’t you see? You’re doing to Lincoln what Ladypants is doing to you. You’re ladypants-ing Lincoln.

* Joy: So I guess what you’re saying is, the boobs gave me confidence, but the boobs were inside me all along.
Kerouac Cowboy: You are full of interesting imagery.

* Elka: Just be cool. Slap on one of those water bras.
Joy: You’re the one who told me I didn’t need the bra.
Elka: For dating. This is grand theft auto. Slap on the bra.


A special treat…a water bra photo.

Joy water bra


Transcript:

Victoria: Oh, bidding on abandoned storage units. We’ve come a long way from Rodeo Drive.
Joy: I hope they start soon. This place smells like worn-out mattresses.
Elka: Oh, you must feel right at home.
Lady at Auction: Oh, my God. It is you. [Laughs] Can I have your autograph?
Victoria: I can’t go anywhere. Sure. Here you go.
Lady at Auction: Thank you. Victoria Chase. Oh, I was hoping you’d sign it for Mrs. Ladypants. You know, like the commercial where you go in your pants, but you’re happy about it?
Victoria: Oh, dear God. Uh, I take it you’ve been in Japan.
Lady at Auction: No, it’s on TV here.
Victoria: What?
Lady at Auction: Yeah. My kids love it. They laugh. They’re like, “that lady’s wearing diapers!”
Victoria: Uh– they are not diapers. They are stylish pants for women on the go who can’t stop to go.
Lady at Auction: [Laughs] I love it when you say that.
Victoria: This is a disaster. Those commercials were never supposed to air in the U.S.
Melanie: Oh, come on, Victoria. You gotta have a sense of humor about this.
Joy: A dry sense of humor.
[Laughter]
Laura Dotson: All right, folks. It’s auction time. We’re gonna open the doors and give you a few seconds to look around.
Dan Dotson: All right, you can’t go inside. You can’t open any boxes. And whosever got the most money today can certainly own it. Are you ready?
Elka: We know how it works, haircut.
Dan Dotson: All right, boys and girls, we’re gonna start the bidding off low and slow. And how ’bout starting that one off at about 20 bucks on this one? What about 20? Now 25, now 25, what about 25?
Laura Dotson: 25 from the young lady in the track suit. Do I hear 30?
Melanie: Oh, wow, look at that painting. Kind of looks like a Monet.
Victoria: [Gasps] I think you’re right. Hey, if I found a famous painting, then the media would be all over it, right? And then my whole Ladypants thing would be forgotten. But I gotta play it cool. $3,000!
Elka: What are you doing?
Laura Dotson: Somebody’s got Ladypants money.

Melanie: No, I’m afraid this isn’t a Monet. Although the artist’s signature looks French, so it could be worth some “moh-nay”. [Laughs] Sorry. It’s hot in here.
Joy: What’s this?
Melanie: Oh, that’s a CB radio, good buddy. For some reason, everyone in the ’70s wanted to talk to truckers.
Elka: Oh, now we’re talking. Look at this ugly-ass thing.
Joy: Why on earth would you want a half-knitted sweater?
Elka: Every year, the senior center has a contest for the most ugly-ass Christmas sweater.
Melanie: Oh, my God. A Mark Jordan bust developer.
Joy: I had one of those. Oh, God, I wanted boobs so badly in high school. I thought everything would be perfect as soon as I got them.
Elka: I thought that too. And I was right.

Elka: Breaker, breaker. This is Candy Cane from the Big Dirty. Come on back.
Joy: Oh, good lord.
Elka: You’re missing the beauty of this.
Joy: Which is?
Elka: You’re anonymous. You can pretend to be anybody you want to be.
Joy: So who’s Candy Cane?
Elka: I’m a saucy little redhead who does tasteful soft-core porn. Uh, from a lady’s point of view.
Joy: Well, um, I’ve always wondered what my life would’ve been like if I’d stayed in college. I had a certain facility for mathematics– logarithms, statistical analysis, number theory. You know, like in A Beautiful Mind.
Elka: Snore. These truckers aren’t interested in beautiful minds. You need something visual.

Victoria: How can you even call yourself a fine art appraiser? Yeah, well, I know art, because I played a blocked artist in the Lifetime Original Movie The Empty Paintbrush. Yes, yes, I am Victoria Chase. I– no, I am not going right now. The appraiser says that the painting is worthless, much like my reputation as a serious actress. Now what am I gonna do?
Melanie: Wait. Look at this. There’s something behind the frame. It’s an old envelope. [Gasps] Maybe we stumbled on a mystery. I love mysteries. Didn’t you just love Nancy Drew? I wanted to drive around in a red Roadster with my boyfriend, Ned Nickerson. Although he didn’t really seem that into Nancy, did he? Come to think of it, he was probably gay, wasn’t he? Now, that’s the mystery she should’ve solved.
Victoria: Will you give me that? All right, it’s to a William Herndon from A.
Lincoln, 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, Washington, D.C.
Melanie: Oh, my G– that’s president Lincoln!
Victoria: Well, it says “A” Lincoln. We don’t know if it’s “the” Lincoln.
Melanie: Honey, who else could it be? Look, the postmark. It’s 1862. This is an undiscovered letter from Abraham Lincoln.
Victoria: Oh! Do you realize what this means, Melanie? This will eclipse that humiliating commercial. Oh, Lincoln has released me from the shackles of Mrs.
Ladypants. I am free at last.

Joy: We must, we must, we must increase our bust. The bigger, the better, the tighter the sweater. The boys depend on us.
[Man over radio] Hey, anybody out there?
Joy: Um, breakity-break?
Kerouac Cowboy: Come on back. This is Kerouac Cowboy.
Joy: Hello, Kerouac Cowboy. Kerouac like the writer?
Kerouac Cowboy: I’m a fan. And who’s this?
Joy: This is English Rose.
Kerouac Cowboy: Ah, like the Yeats poem, “Red Rose, proud Rose, sad Rose of all my days.”
Joy: Oh, I love Yeats. But I’m not a red Rose. I’m a brunette.
Kerouac Cowboy: Me too. And just to prolong the metaphor, I’m long-stemmed. Meaning tall.
Joy: Oh. [Laughs] Me too. And I also have really large breasts. Crazy large. Hello? Kerouac Cowboy?
Kerouac Cowboy: Uh, I’m here.
Joy: I’m sorry, I’m just letting you know because some guys don’t like large breasts, which is too bad, because I have ’em. Big time.
Kerouac Cowboy: Well, you’re in luck. I know a guy who loves ’em. Hang on, he’s right here. [Same voice] Hellooo.

Victoria: Oh, can’t we take a peek inside?
Melanie: No. We have to wait for the Lincoln expert from the university to get here. He’ll know what to do.
Victoria: Well, we don’t need a Lincoln expert to see that we’ve entered the reconstruction era.
Joy: Oh, it’s just a water bra. I picked a few up at the mall. I said they were for a friend, but I wore one out of the store, so I think they knew I was lying.
Melanie: Is this related to your CB buddy?
Joy: Well, yes. The whole thing got me thinking about how it would feel if I really looked like the person I was depicting. So far these “D”s get an “A”. They got me out of a ticket today.
Melanie: Yeah, but don’t you usually get out of tickets?
Joy: Yes, but this was for speeding and a broken tail light. Nothing like headlights to get out of a broken tail light. Ah, boobs are making me wittier, too.
Melanie: No, boobs only make you wittier to men.
Joy: They sure do. The guys at the auto shop said I was as funny as Scarlett Johansson.
Melanie: Yeah, I don’t think of Scarlet Johansson as funny.
Victoria: No.
Joy: She’s not. But she’s hot, and they compared me to her, so I’m happy.
[Doorbell rings]
Victoria: Oh, good. There’s our Lincoln expert. Artie, what are you doing here?
Artie: Arthur Firestone, Adjunct Professor, 19th Century History, Case Western University, at your service.
Melanie: Oh, no. You’re the Lincoln expert?
Artie: I was once a promising graduate student, until my break with reality, which we’re all aware of. But now, thanks to powerful medicines, I am back in academia, with all the cafeteria privileges that implies. Joy. There’s something different about you. Have you gotten funnier?
Joy: Yes. Thanks for noticing.
Victoria: Can we get to my letter, please?
Artie: As you wish. Ah, dear Abraham, we meet again. Huh. I-I’m too nervous to do this.
Victoria: Oh, give me that. [Sighs] Uh, Washington, D. C. , April 16, 1862. “My dear William, how are things back home?” Uh, blah blah blah North, blah blah blah South. Uh Oh, here’s something. “I have a vexing dilemma of a personal nature. There is a young woman working here, taking a year off from the Illinois School for the Female, with whom I have, to put it in the most direct terms possible, had relations with.” Oh, my God! Lincoln had an affair with an intern!
Artie: Not possible.
Joy: Really? I don’t know a lot about American history, but can you even get elected if you’re not a horny bastard?
Melanie: This is huge. This could be in every history book from this day forward.
Victoria: That’s right. And I’ll be the media darling who released it. Good-bye, Mrs. Ladypants.

Joy: We are the knights who say, “ni!”
Kerouac Cowboy [British accent] You must bring us a shrubbery. [Laughs] Wow, a sexy girl who can quote Monty Python. You should ride with me sometime, English Rose.
Joy: Oh, I’d love that. Wow.
Kerouac Cowboy: What?
Joy: Oh, I-I’m just touching my breasts.  Wow, they’re so soft. I can’t stop playing with them.
[Crash]
Joy: Hello? Hello? Kerouac Cowboy? Come on back!

Joy: Breaker, breaker, looking for the Kerouac Cowboy. Come on back. He’s not answering. How does this car info thing work?
Elka: Stop poking my new car. What are you trying to find out?
Joy: How much farther it is to the truck stop he was passing when he crashed.
Elka: Entune, find the Buckeye Trucker Cafe.
Joy: It says our destination is in 0.8 miles. Wow, that’s amazing. Entune, is the Kerouac Cowboy my destiny?
Elka: It’s not a magic 8 ball. It just finds things you need.
Joy: “The nearest psychiatric facility is in 20 miles.”
Elka: See?
Joy: We just passed the cafe. And there’s the truck.
Elka: Doesn’t look too bad.
Joy: Oh, I guess I’m actually going to meet him. I’m nervous. How do I look?
Elka: Like an idiot. Take that bra off. You don’t need it.
Joy: But I want to appear as advertised.
Elka: Don’t sell yourself short. You’re gorgeous just the way you are.
Joy: Wow. Thanks, Elka. I know you pretend not to like me, but deep down, you really do.
Elka: Oh, yeah–oh.
[Laughing]
[Grunts]
Joy: Oh, my God, Elka! What did you do to me?
Elka: I didn’t ask you to hug me, you bony nitwit. Here.
Joy: [Screams] What do I do?
Elka: Maybe he won’t notice.

Joy: Excuse me! Kerouac Cowboy?
Kerouac Cowboy: English Rose? Is that you?
Joy: Yes. I was worried. Are you all right?
Kerouac Cowboy: Oh, just some damage to the truck. My CB went out. Sorry about that. Wow. You look just like I pictured.
Joy: So do you. Wow. You really do.
Kerouac Cowboy: You sound surprised. Well, I’ve been told a lot of people exaggerate on the CB. Which is so okay to do and actually expected and applauded.
Kerouac Cowboy: You’re funny. Like Scarlett Johansson.
Joy: I get that a lot.
Kerouac Cowboy: You’ve, uh, got a thread. May I? What the hell?
Joy: I’m sorry. I was just trying to live up to my description.
Kerouac Cowboy: Really? I crashed my truck for breasts made of yarn.
Joy: Well, only one is made of yarn. The other’s made of water. I’m not as funny now, am I?

Victoria: I feel as fresh as Mount Fuji. For relaxing times, make it Ladypant time. Ozawa Industrial Brothers, you are the friend in my pants. I’m going right now. This is why I have to release the letter. I can’t let this be what people remember me for.
Melanie: Granted, it’s embarrassing. But don’t you see? You’re doing to Lincoln what Ladypants is doing to you. You’re ladypants-ing Lincoln.
Victoria: Yeah, but he won’t mind. He’s dead. And as Lincoln himself said, “life is for the living.”
Melanie:  I don’t think Lincoln said that.
Victoria: Oh, everyone said that at some point. I’m sure he did too.
Melanie: But your life isn’t over. You still have time to do great things that will overshadow that commercial. Do not sell yourself short. It’s just a commercial. It doesn’t define you.
Victoria: Oh, yeah? Well, tell that to Mr. whipple and the “Where’s the beef?” lady and the Tidy Bowl man. You know the actor in that boat graduated from Juilliard.
Melanie: Really?
Victoria: Oh, how should I know?

Joy: I’m sorry I lied. I know it’s silly, but ever since high school, I thought that bigger boobs were the thing that would make my life perfect.
Kerouac Cowboy: Yeah, I don’t know. Girls I knew in high school with boobs that big just ended up getting knocked up.
Joy: I did get knocked up in high school.
Kerouac Cowboy: See? Didn’t need the boobs. Still don’t. I would’ve run off the road for those legs. Those are real, right?
Joy: One of them. I’m kidding. Oh, it’s so crazy. I wore this thing all day and strutted around with so much confidence. I walked into an auto shop like I owned the place and talked to you on the CB like I’d had three vodkas, when I’d only had two.
Kerouac Cowboy: You know, it was that confidence that kept me talking to you for three hours.
Joy: So I guess what you’re saying is, the boobs gave me confidence, but the boobs were inside me all along.
Kerouac Cowboy: You are full of interesting imagery.
Joy: So what do we do now?
Kerouac Cowboy: Well, how about dinner sometime?
Joy: Sure. When?
Kerouac Cowboy: Next October.
Joy: In October?
Kerouac Cowboy: Well, that’s the next time I’m gonna be rolling through Cleveland. But we do have a few hours of moonlight left tonight.
Joy: I’ll drink to that.
[Chuckles]
[Car horn honking]
Joy: I forgot. I left a 90-year-old woman in the car.
Kerouac Cowboy: Really? Should you be sitting here drinking beer with me?
Joy: I cracked a window.

Artie: So you couldn’t talk Victoria out of it?
Melanie: No. But you know what? Maybe there’s another way to look at it. Maybe history just needs to be the truth, warts and all.
Artie: But we need our heroes. When people in Washington don’t live up to our expectations, we have Lincoln to look up to. All that would be gone.
Melanie: Well said, Artie. You know, your love of Lincoln is inspiring. I’d like to come sit in on some of your lectures.
Artie: Sometimes I like to go to the Lincoln Memorial and climb up on his lap and pretend I’m a baby.
Melanie: Or I could just read a book.
Lauren: Excuse me, I’m Lauren Barry from 60 Minutes.
Melanie: Oh, hi, I’m Melanie Moretti. This is Professor Firestone.
Artie: Nice to meet you.
Victoria: Sorry I’m late. I’m Victoria Chase.
Lauren: Oh, that Victoria Chase. I didn’t put two and two together. You’re Mrs. Ladypants. My three-year-old runs around saying, “I love freshness of crotch.”
Victoria: Sounds like a delightful child.
Lauren: I’m sorry. Did I say something wrong?
Victoria: Oh, it’s just that I have been an actress for 35 years, and it’s frustrating that all the good work I’ve done has been obliterated by this one embarrassing thing. You see, I didn’t know they were going to air it in the United States.
Lauren: Well, that’s a shame. Unfortunately, once it’s out there, it’s out there.
Victoria: Hm. That’s true, isn’t it?
Lauren: And speaking of getting things out there, I’m dying to see the letter, the Lincoln myth shattered. This is explosive stuff.
Victoria: Uh, look. I-I’m sorry to have to tell you this, but I’m afraid I have terrible news. Uh, the letter is gone.
Melanie: What?
Lauren: I’m a little confused here. What’s going on?
Victoria: Well, the letter got in with a load of whites that I was doing, and now it’s nothing more than a little laundry ball of 150-year-old paper.
Lauren: Seriously? We can’t go through with the story with no evidence.
Victoria: Oh, I understand. I am a newswoman as well.
Lauren: You’re a newswoman, and they let you do those diaper commercials?
Victoria: Well, Leslie Stahl does those metamucil commercials.
Lauren: Really?
Victoria: Well, how should I know? Why don’t you ask your three-year-old? Good-bye, Lauren.
Victoria: Here, Artie. Do with it as you will.
Melanie: Oh! I knew it! I got suspicious when you said you did laundry.
Victoria: Right. I totally improv-ed that whole thing about the whites. I mean, you were right, Melanie. I was ladypants-ing Lincoln. And unlike him, I do have time to change my story.
Melanie: Besides, hasn’t he suffered enough at the hands of actors?
Artie: Neither of us finds that funny, Melanie.
Melanie: Sorry. It’s hot in here.
Artie: Oh, now I get it. You’re as funny as Scarlett Johansson.

Victoria: I have a major announcement. I just received a text from my agent, and Lifetime is eager to hear my pitch for the Lifetime Original Movie, Abe And The Babe, A fictional account of America’s first intern scandal. And I’m attached as the seductive 19-year-old intern. Well, people aged differently then.
Joy: That’s great, Victoria.
Melanie: Congratulations.
Victoria: Thank you.
Melanie: And see? I was right. Your story does have more chapters.
Joy: And you were right as well, old one. After dinner, I’m returning the water bras I bought.
Melanie: Oh, Joy, are you speeding again?
Joy: No, I’m not doing anything.
Elka: Actually, they’re after me.
Joy: What? Why?
Elka: Well, I’m still kind of test-driving this Prius.
Melanie: You’ve had it for a week. That’s not a test-drive.
Elka: I’m gonna buy it.
Joy: I’m driving a stolen car?
Elka: Just be cool. Slap on one of those water bras.
Joy: You’re the one who told me I didn’t need the bra.
Elka: For dating. This is grand theft auto. Slap on the bra.

Hot in Cleveland S03, Ep20 – The Gateway Friend

Season: 3
Episode: 20
Title: The Gateway Friend
Original Air Date: May 2, 2012


Guest Stars:
Kristin Chenoweth: Courtney
Jonathan Sliverman: Dr. Minton
Josh Cribbs: Himself
Japheth Gordon: Cameron
Nancy Berggren: 80 Year Old Victoria:


Synopsis: The ladies come back from their L.A. botox with frozen faces. The next day they learn that the old oak tree is going to be cut down. Elka is trying her best to save it. They get a call from Courtney, Dr. Minton’s receptionist and girlfriend. They have broken up and she’s quit — they can’t get their botox now. Courtney comes out to Cleveland. The ladies make a mistake and take her to the bar. Now she wants to stay. They pull a trick on Dr. Minton to get him to come out and get the two back together. It doesn’t work. Dr. Minton visits Elka in her tree, and then falls out. When they get back to the house, he’s had a change of heart. He proposes to Courtney, she accepts and they are moving to Cleveland. He is going to save the tree. But he’s not long doing botox anymore. The ladies get a botox groupon.


Click on either link to grab the third season of the show, it’s a great way to support the ladies and have some serious laughs.

Amazon Hot in Cleveland: Season 3

iTunes Hot in Cleveland, Season 3 – Hot in Cleveland


Favorite Quotes:

* Elka: Why would you fly to Los Angeles to get your face frozen? Couldn’t you just stay here and stick your heads in a snow drift?

* Melanie: Right, honey, we should’ve warned you. If you haven’t been outside of L.A. in quite a while, the pure oxygen can be overwhelming.
Joy: Yeah, sometimes when I get homesick, I let the car run with the garage door closed. Oh, springtime in L.A.

* Courtney: There were no prescriptions in your medicine cabinet. How do you stay happy here?

* Courtney: Wait, all the men are looking at me.
Victoria: Well, that’s what men do here.
Courtney: I remember that look. It’s desire.
Melanie: Isn’t that funny? That’s what we said the first time we came to Cleveland.

* Victoria: We’re idiots. It was a mistake coming here. We should’ve kept her isolated from the indigenous population.

* Victoria: Look, this city is our secret. Now what if she tells other women? Cleveland will be overrun with desperate refugees from Beverly Hills, and then it really will be the valley.

* Elka: Isn’t this where you three knuckleheads come up with some harebrained scheme, and I tell you it’s stupid, and you do it anyway?

* Elka: Not growing up is not the same as being young.

* Dr. Minton: I hear what you’re saying. But a leopard can’t change its spots.
Elka: It can if it finds the tiny leopard it wants to change for.

* Elka: There are little puffs of air coming out of her eyes.
Courtney: I’m crying.

* Victoria: Groupon Botox, Melanie? Has it come to that?


Transcript:

Victoria: Hi, Elka. It’s good to be home. Warm smile.
Elka: Why did she say “Warm smile”?
Melanie: Our faces are frozen from a special form of Botox. So for the next 24 hours, the only way we can express our emotions is to say them. Slightly embarrassed from the situation red face.
Elka: Why would you fly to Los Angeles to get your face frozen? Couldn’t you just stay here and stick your heads in a snow drift?
Joy: We have to get our treatments in L.A. Because that’s where Dr. Minton is.
Victoria: That man is a genius.
Joy: Dr. Minton is the best dermatologist in the country. He’s the reason we don’t look unnatural.
Victoria: Every A-list celebrity goes to him.
Elka: How did you get in?
Victoria: We have a gateway friend.
Melanie: A gateway friend is someone who can get you into every place exclusive.
Joy: Our gateway friend is Dr. Minton’s receptionist/ girlfriend Courtney. When we’re in L.A., I do her eyebrows and Victoria takes her to premieres in exchange for appointments.
Elka: What do you do for her? Not really caring.
Melanie: I listen to her relationship problems.
Victoria: Yes, for the past three days, Melanie has had a fake smile plastered on her face just so she could get a fake smile plastered on her face.
[Phone ringing]
Melanie: Oh, that’s Courtney now. Hey, Court, what’s up? Uh-huh. Uh-huh. What? Look of panic. Of course you can come stay with us in Cleveland and cry on our shoulders. Oh, okay, we’ll see you when you get here. Bye-bye. She broke up with Dr. Minton and quit her job as his receptionist.
Joy: We lost our gateway? Jaw drop, Melanie, jaw drop.

Elka: Have your faces unfrozen yet? Because I wanna see anger and outrage.
Joy: Why, what’s up? “Help keep Cleveland the forest city. Save 100-year-old historic oak tree from destruction.” But this is at the end of our block. Why would someone want to get rid of that beautiful old tree?
Elka: A developer bought the lot and he plans to bulldoze it.
Victoria: Oh, that’s terrible.
Elka: They wanna put in a day spa.
Victoria: Finally, oh!
Joy: That’s fantastic.
Victoria: Elka, I’m sorry. But that means that we’d have a day spa, a wine bar, and a fire station, all within walking distance. Oh, it’s the single ladies holy trinity.

Melanie: Can someone open the door?
Victoria: Yeah-yeah. We’re coming.
Courtney: Hello, girls.
Joy: Oh, hello, Courtney.
Melanie: Can you give me a hand? She fainted getting out of the car.
Courtney: Thank you, I feel much better now. I just got lightheaded from the lack of smog.
Melanie: Right, honey, we should’ve warned you. If you haven’t been outside of L.A. in quite a while, the pure oxygen can be overwhelming.
Joy: Yeah, sometimes when I get homesick, I let the car run with the garage door closed. Oh, springtime in L.A.
Courtney: How are your faces doing? Excellent. No visible lines. Everything looks to be in order. [Gasps] How did this happen?
Elka: I’m 90.
Courtney: Since everyone lies about their age by at least 20, that makes you 110.
Elka: I’m 90. How long have you been without oxygen?
Courtney: Well, I moved to L.A. in 1980 Hey, you’re trying to get me to reveal my real age. [Giggling] She’s good.
Victoria: Courtney, we are delighted that you came to us in your time of need, but isn’t there any way that you could patch things up with Dr. Minton?
Courtney: No, and now you’ve got me sobbing again.
Joy: I don’t see any tears.
Courtney: The last time Dr. Minton and I broke up, he said he would never make me cry again. So he removed my tear ducts.
Victoria: Genius.
Elka: Well, I’m off to save a tree let me know how this all turns out. Or don’t. I don’t really care.
Courtney: Do you mind if I use your powder room? I just started an aggressive round of experimental face cream, and every two hours I have to make sure my skin isn’t eating itself.
Melanie: Yeah, sure, it’s down the hall, to the left.
Courtney: Thank you.
Melanie: Okay. Okay, this is gonna be harder than we thought. We talked in the car. She swears it is over between her and Dr. Minton.
Victoria: There is no way it’s over until we say it’s over. No, it’s time to pull out the big guns. I say we try the three-pronged attack.
Joy: Agreed. I’ll take “Cold, hard facts for women over 40.”
Melanie: And I will do “Yes, but”s.”
Victoria: And I’ll make up a pathetic single friend as a cautionary tale.
Joy: Just don’t call her “Joy” this time.
Victoria: But it’s such a good name for someone who’s a complete mess. Don’t take it personally.
Melanie: Oh, here she comes.
Courtney: There were no prescriptions in your medicine cabinet. How do you stay happy here?
Joy: Oh, we’re always happy here. Unless one of us is going through a break-up.
Victoria: Mm.
Joy: Which reminds me– Did you know a single woman over 40 is more likely to be attacked by an ostrich than meet a new man after a break-up?
Courtney: That’s a frightening statistic. Still, I think I could do better than someone who afraid of commitment.
Melanie: Yes, but could you?
Courtney: I think so.
Melanie: Yes, but really?
Courtney: Maybe.
Melanie: Yes, but seriously?
Courtney: I never thought of it like that.
Victoria: You know, a– a similar thing happened to my friend Joy. Not this Joy. Uh, two years ago, she got out of a tong-term relationship, and right now, she is living on her own in a studio apartment in Reseda.
Courtney: The valley?
Victoria: I am just so proud of her. I mean, she doesn’t need a man to be happy. That’s what her 52 cats are for.
Courtney: Oh, my God, you girls are right. I have to get back together with Dr. Minton. I don’t wanna be like Joy.
Victoria: Oh, no one does. What?

Courtney: Is this the valley?
Joy: We keep telling you Cleveland doesn’t have a valley.
Courtney: Looks like the valley.
Melanie: Come on, come on. We’re here to celebrate. You’re getting back together with a Beverly Hills doctor.
Courtney: You’re right. A round of drinks, and then off to the airport. Wait, all the men are looking at me.
Victoria: Well, that’s what men do here.
Courtney: I remember that look. It’s desire.
Melanie: Isn’t that funny? That’s what we said the first time we came to Cleveland.
Courtney: Oh, my God, they’re positively leering. Even guys younger than my fake age are looking at me.
Joy: Uh-oh.
Courtney: I’m gonna do something I haven’t done in 20 years– relax my stomach muscles. Oh, my God, they’re still looking. Melanie, your Christmas letters were true.
Melanie: Yes, but–
Courtney: “Yes, but” nothing. These animals view me as nothing but a mindless sex object, and I’m gonna go show them that they’re right. Hi, I’m Courtney.
Victoria: We’re idiots. It was a mistake coming here. We should’ve kept her isolated from the indigenous population.
Joy: I don’t know what’s worse– you telling outsiders about our special powers here, or that you’re still wring Christmas letters.
Melanie: People like my Christmas letters.
Victoria: Look, this city is our secret. Now what if she tells other women? Cleveland will be overrun with desperate refugees from Beverly Hills, and then it really will be the valley.
Melanie: We’ve got to get her out of here before she becomes completely intoxicated with the magic of Cleveland.
Joy: Okay, but you two have to drive her to the airport, because it’s karaoke night, and my fans will be disappointed if I don’t sing “Wonderwall.” It’s kind of my jam.
Courtney: Seven men just offered to buy me a drink. But the bartender wouldn’t serve me until I showed him my I.D., which I refused to do because it would break the spell. So now one of you have to go get me a drink.
Melanie: Oh, no, we can’t because we have to get you to the airport as soon as possible.
Courtney: Why?
Joy: Uh, they moved your flight up.
Courtney: Flights don’t get moved up.
Victoria: Until now. Everyone but you got there early, and they said, “Oh, let’s do it.”
Courtney: Who care if I miss it? They love me here. There’s no way I’m getting on a plane tonight. Oh, hi.
Victoria: Oh, my God, I feel a frown breaking through.

Courtney: You [Whistles and applause] Thank you, Cleveland.
Bartender: Okay, okay, everyone settle down, settle down. Time for results. First place–no surprise here–goes to Courtney Price.
[Applause]
Bartender: Second place goes to Cleveland Browns star kick return specialist– this man just came in to ask for directions, and stayed to sing “Wind Beneath my Wings”– Josh Cribbs! [Hoots and applause] And third place goes to Joy Hoggs.
Joy: That’s “Scroggs.”
[Paltry applause]
Joy: I can’t believe I lost.
Josh Cribbs: Hey, I’m bummed too. I have two passions in life– football and karaoke. Fortunately for me, one of them pays really well. It’s football.
Courtney: Thank you, everybody. And don’t worry, I’ll be back next week to defend my title because I’m moving to Cleveland!
All: [Cheers and applause] Courtney! Courtney! Courtney! Courtney! Courtney! Courtney!

Elka: Thank you for supporting the cause.
Joy: To be perfectly honest, we wanted an excuse to get away from Courtney. She’s so superficial and shallow, and all about how men respond to her appearance.
Elka: Yeah, don’t you just hate women like that?
Melanie: So how come you like is tree so much?
Elka: I’ve been walking past it for 60 years. Oh, if it gets cut down, it would be like losing a friend.
Joy: Mm.
Melanie: Aww.
Elka: A real friend, not a gateway friend.
Melanie: Turns out our gateway friend’s gonna be our new neighbor friend. Courtney’s staying in Cleveland. And if we can’t get her back to L.A., there is no chance she can reconcile with Dr. Minton.
Elka: Isn’t this where you three knuckleheads come up with some harebrained scheme, and I tell you it’s stupid, and you do it anyway?
Victoria: Way ahead of you. Smile.

Melanie: Dr. Minton, thank you so much for coming.
Dr. Minton: I flew out as soon as I saw that picture of Victoria. Where is she?
Elka: I’m right here.
Dr. Minton: Victoria! What did you do to your face? Did you get it wet? You know my treatments are not FDA approved.
Joy: They’re not?
Dr. Minton: When did this happen?
Elka: Overnight. Like in that Lifetime Original Movie where I switch bodies with Hilary Duff called Switcheroo Summer.
Dr. Minton: I’m ruined.
Elka: You’re ruined? I have a callback tomorrow on CSI: Miami.
Dr. Minton: CSI: Miami is on hiatus. You’re not Victoria. Who are you?
Victoria: I told you not to go off-book.
Elka: And I told you I don’t know what that means.
Dr. Minton: What is going on?
Victoria: Look, we brought you here to talk about Courtney. Now don’t you still love her?
Dr. Minton: I do, truly. I always will, but I’m not ready to settle down. I’m only 65.
Joy: You’re 65?
Dr. Minton: I’m very good at what I do.
Melanie: But at your age, can you really continue this Peter Pan lifestyle?
Dr. Minton: Well, I’m in my 60s, but thanks to hair plugs and extensive plastic surgery, I could pass for 38. You can knock off another ten years, bringing me down to 28. I drive a Porsche, which knocks off another five years, minus two more because it’s a convertible. When you do the math, I’m barely old enough to drink. Courtney?
Courtney: Dr.Minton?
Dr. Minton: Josh Cribbs?
Josh Cribbs: Dr. Minton? I thought you said he was dead.
Courtney: He is to me.
Dr. Minton: Cribbs. What the hell, man? I had you on my fantasy team, you went out with a groin injury in the Steelers game. You really wrecked my whole season.
Josh Cribbs: Well, that must’ve been painful for you. Almost as painful as a groin injury.
Courtney: What are you doing here?
Dr. Minton: I came to see Victoria, but now that I see you, I– I really miss you, Courtney.
Courtney: Enough to marry me?
Dr. Minton: Maybe. Someday. Not yet.
Courtney: Well, fine, I’ll just marry Josh Cribbs.
Josh Cribbs: Wait, what? Okay, this is getting a little too weird for me. Good night, everyone.
Victoria: I think what that large football man is trying to tell us is that you two obviously belong together.
Dr. Minton: You know, he’s right. Come on, baby, let’s go back to the way things were.
Courtney: Why should I? In L.A., a woman my age has to take whatever she can get. But here in Cleveland, I can get whatever I want and whomever I want. I don’t have to date a 65-year-old senior citizen.
Dr. Minton: Are you really going to play the age card, Miss Born in 1960– Well, the joke is on you. You forgot that I lost all feeling in my cheeks after my last skin graft. I literally have the face of a man half my age.
All: Genius.

Dr. Minton [Grunting]
Elka: Dr. Minton. What are you doing here?
Dr. Minton: I was on my way to the airport, but I turned around because I couldn’t stop thinking about your face.
Elka: Oh, I get that a lot.
Dr. Minton: Yeah. I was drawn to it, and I couldn’t figure out why, but now I remember. You– you look like my grandmother. Before she made me make her look young and she started dressing like Kesha.
Elka: I’m proud of my wrinkles. I earned every line. Just like this gnarled old tree.
Dr. Minton: It’s a beautiful tree. In Los Angeles, our trees are cell phone towers.
Elka: There’s beauty in things that are naturally old. That’s why I wanna protect it.
Dr. Minton: Ah, I can see why. Although I would shave off a few of these limbs for symmetry. Maybe take this bump out, make it look less ethnic. Sorry. Habit.
Elka: You and that tiny girl back at my house are perfect for each other. What’s the story there?
Dr. Minton: I love Courtney. She’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me.
Elka: Well, then why don’t you marry her?
Dr. Minton: I’m too young to get married.
Elka: Not growing up is not the same as being young.
Dr. Minton: I hear what you’re saying. But a leopard can’t change its spots.
Elka: It can if it finds the tiny leopard it wants to change for.
Dr. Minton: Wow, you don’t give up, do you?
Elka: Mm-mm.
Dr. Minton: Now you really remind me of my grandmother. [Laughing] Minus the miniskirt and the body glitter. I’ve got a flight to catch. Whoo
Elka: Oh, are you okay?
Dr. Minton: Yeah, this old oak really pumps out the oxygen, doesn’t it? [Thuds]

Dr. Minton: Courtney.
Courtney: Dr. Minton. Oh what happened?
Elka: He fell out of my tree.
Victoria: Why didn’t you tell us?
Dr. Minton: I told her not to. I couldn’t think of a way to make it come off sexy.
Courtney: You okay?
Dr. Minton: Yeah, I’m fine. But at the hospital, they made me give my real age. That plus some stuff Elka said to me got me thinking.
Courtney: Well, she’s done a lot of living in her 110 years.
Elka: I’m 90.
Courtney: Of course you are.
Dr. Minton: The reason I’ve tried to stay young was so that I would have enough time to find the perfect woman. But now I realize that the person I ha been searching for all this time was just outside my office do.
All: Aww.
Elka: Why are you three gushing? That line is from every romantic comedy ever.
Victoria: We’re from Hollywood, where originality is frowned upon.
Dr. Minton: Courtney Will you marry me?
Courtney: [Squeaks] Yes.
Joy: Aw, she makes him want to be a better man.
Melanie: He had her at “Hello.”
Elka: I weep for your generation.
Joy: Any ideas on a date yet? We’re due back in L.A. in six months for our follow-up appointments.
Dr. Minton: Well, by that time, I wanna be married to Courtney, living in Cleveland and complaining about the Indians’ bullpen.
Melanie: What?
Dr. Minton: That is, if it’s okay with you.
Courtney: Of course. I don’t care where we live, as long as I’m Mrs. Dr. Minton.
Elka: There are little puffs of air coming out of her eyes.
Courtney: I’m crying.
Melanie: So are you really gonna move to Cleveland?
Dr. Minton: Oh, yeah, I’m gonna outbid the day spa people, build an office on that lot, and keep the old oak.
Elka: Oh, thank you. This is fabulous. So we lose a day spa, but we gain a celebrity dermatologist.
Dr. Minton: Oh, no, I’m not gonna practice the vanity arts in Cleveland.
All: What? Are you kidding me?
Dr. Minton: I wanna focus on real dermatological problems like ringworm and psoriasis. No more silly fountain of youth stuff.
Courtney: You’re still gonna do me, right?
Dr. Minton: Well, yeah, of course. I have to have a hot wife.
Courtney: Dr. Minton.
Dr. Minton: Besides, they were this close to shutting down my clinic in L.A.
Melanie: Why?
Dr. Minton: No reason.

Melanie: Okay, well, I’ve done my research, and there are a number of places we could get our Botox done here in Cleveland. In fact, there’s one here where we can use a Groupon.
Victoria: Groupon Botox, Melanie? Has it come to that? Even my pathetic friend, Joy– not you, Joy– wouldn’t stoop that low.
Melanie: Well, I guess we could just accept life as it comes.
Victoria: What, age naturally?
Joy: Hmm. We’ve never thought out that.
Melanie: We could give it a try.
Old Victoria: I have a major announcement to make. We have been Botox-free for three years.
Victoria: On second thought, Cleveland Botox doesn’t sound that bad.
Joy: Print that Groupon, Melanie, print it.
Melanie: Done and done.
Victoria: To fighting nature.
Joy: To fighting nature.
Melanie: To fighting nature.

Hot in Cleveland S03, Ep19 – Bye George, I Think He’s Got It

Season: 3
Episode: 19
Title: Bye George, I Think He’s Got It
Original Air Date: April 25, 2012


Guest Stars:
Joan Rivers: Anka
Jon Lovitz: Artie
Kevin Nealon: George


Synopsis: Joy announces to the ladies that she is marrying George. They are all shocked. Elka tells them her twin sister is coming to visit. They had a fight and haven’t spoken in 40 years. But they don’t remember what the fight was about. Joy throws out George’s ugly shirt. Then gets a call from him that he wants to be buried in it. She goes out to retrieve it but Artie is wearing it. He’ll only give it back if he gets a makeover. Victoria and Melanie volunteer to give him one so Joy can get ready for the wedding. The makeover is a success. However, Artie won’t return the shirt until the deal is sealed. Victoria finds a drunk lady at the bar to make sure they get the shirt back. The next day is the wedding. Artie comes over to thank them and return the shirt. Joy and George realize they don’t have a minister. Artie steps in to help. Mid ceremony his doctor calls and tells him he has two years now instead of three months. This changes things and he and Joy call off the wedding. Later, that day Elka and Anka head to the Indians game. Anka says she roots for the Reds. They realize that’s what they fought about 40 years ago.


Click on either link to grab the third season of the show, it’s a great way to support the ladies and have some serious laughs.

Amazon Hot in Cleveland: Season 3

iTunes Hot in Cleveland, Season 3 – Hot in Cleveland


Favorite Quotes:

* Joy: George! You only have three months to live! How could you possibly sleep with 300 women?
George: Hmm, you’re right. How about I just sleep with you 300 times?
Joy: [Laughs] In three months?
George: Well, it’s only, like, 3 1/2 times a day.

* George: Marry me, Joy.
Joy: What? We hardly know each other.
George: What’s to know? I’ve only got three months. How bad could it be?

* Elka: You’re doing a good thing, Joy. Having you for a wife will make dying much easier.

* Anka: Oh, no, thank you, no. I couldn’t eat with that freakish thing in the room.
Elka: Yeah, Joy puts me off my food too.
Anka: No, no, no, I–I meant the shirt.

* Joy: Why do I smell bananas?
George: I lit my monkey candle.
Joy: But a monkey doesn’t smell like a banana.
George: You want it to smell like burning monkeys?

* George: [Laughs] Hey, I finished writing my wedding vows this afternoon. You wanna hear ‘Em?
Joy: No, they’ll only make me cry.
George: Would you rather I played my ukulele again?
Joy: Let’s hear those vows!

* Melanie: Okay, she’s drunk, he’s rich. It could work.
Victoria: Melanie, we pulled it off. We’ve actually made Artie palatable to women.
Artie: [Shouting] I’m five feet away, and thank you!

* Elka: Dying guy’s kinda preachy.


Transcript:

Elka: Last time on “Hot in Cleveland” Joy met George, a great guy who only had 3 months to live. But while Joy was helping George cross things off his bucket list, she fell for him–hard.
Joy: Who are you?
George: Your new boyfriend. Get used to it. [Laughter] Ah, we did it, Joy. To Rio and back in under 24 hours.
Joy: Where’s your bucket list?
George: Oh!
Joy: I am officially crossing off “fly to Brazil for a truly great cup of coffee.” Oh, I hadn’t noticed this one. “Sleep with 300 women.”
George: Did I write that?
Joy: It’s underlined twice and all in caps. [Sighs] George! You only have three months to live! How could you possibly sleep with 300 women?
George: Hmm, you’re right. How about I just sleep with you 300 times?
Joy: [Laughs] In three months?
George: Well, it’s only, like, 3 1/2 times a day.
Joy: Huh, well, we already did the half one.
George: Yeah, sorry about that. You know, having sex on the beach sounds like a good idea, but then there’s all the sand and the bottle caps, and that kid with the lost soccer ball. Marry me, Joy.
Joy: What? We hardly know each other.
George: What’s to know? I’ve only got three months. How bad could it be?
Joy: You’re right, there’s nothing so awful you can’t put up with it for three months. And suddenly, that doesn’t sound romantic.
George: Hmm, to the contrary, it’s nothing but romantic. All we’ll have is the honeymoon– a three-month honeymoon. Travel the world with me.
Joy: Oh, I don’t know. I’m not an impulsive person.
George: And I hate that about you. But I only have to put up with it for three months!
Joy: True!
George: [Clears throat]
Joy: I hate when you clear your throat like that. But I’d only have to put up with it for three months!

Victoria: That is the ugliest shirt I have ever seen, and I dated Jimmy Buffet.
Joy: I stole it out of George’s bag this morning. I told him I could put up with anything for three months, but this shirt is too hideous, especially now that I’m going to be his wife!
Victoria: What?
Melanie: Are you k–
Victoria: What?
Elka: I give it two months.
Joy: He has three months to live.
Elka: I know.
Joy: We’re getting married on Friday, then we’re traveling the world together.
Melanie: Joy, are you sure you’ve thought this through?
Victoria: You know, obviously not. I mean, how are you going to pack for three months?
Joy: I know I’m rushing into this, but what’s the alternative? George doesn’t have much time, and I truly adore him.
Elka: You’re doing a good thing, Joy. Having you for a wife will make dying much easier.
Joy: You’re just mad because you can no longer call me “the spinster Scroggs.”
Victoria: Hmm, “the widow Scroggs” does have a classic ring.
Melanie: Aren’t you gonna take his last name? You’ve always hated yours.
Joy: Yes, but George’s is worse.
Victoria: Well, how much worse could it be?
Joy: Believe me, it’s Gross.
Melanie: Well, come on, it can’t be that bad.
Joy: His last name is “Gross.” I’d be “the widow Gross.”
[Doorbell rings]
Melanie: Oh, I wonder who that could be.
Elka: Probably my twin sister.
Joy: Your what?
Victoria: You have a twin?
Melanie: Elka Why did you never mention this?
Elka: I’m an enigma, wrapped inside a conundrum, shrouded in dimples.
Victoria: Why hasn’t she visited before?
Elka: We had a big fight. We haven’t spoken in 40 years!
[Doorbell rings]
Elka: But Joy’s dying guy got me thinking, maybe it’s time we let bygones be bygones.
Melanie: Oh, that’s so sweet. You’re gonna patch things up.
[Doorbell rings]
Elka: I forgot how needy she was. I’m annoyed already.
Anka: Elka!
Elka: Anka!
[Laughter]
Both: Ah Both: You look terrible!
Elka: What have you done to our face?
Anka: Me? What about you? “Natural aging.” Disgusting!
Elka: Where’s the famous Ostrovsky neck freckle? You had it removed!
Anka: Oh, please. After five facelifts, it’s on my forehead!
Elka: Oh, Anka, would you like something to eat?
Anka: Oh, no, thank you, no. I couldn’t eat with that freakish thing in the room.
Elka: Yeah, Joy puts me off my food too.
Anka: No, no, no, I–I meant the shirt.
Joy: Relax, I’m tossing it in the rubbish right now.
Victoria: So, 40 years. That must’ve been some fight.
Elka: Horrible.
Anka: Oh, vicious.
Elka: What was it about again?
Anka: Oh, crap. Alzheimer’s! Has it gotten to the point where she thinks Kleenex is money?
Elka: Okay, so what was the fight about?
Anka: [Sighs] Well, I don’t remember. Was it when I pretended to be you and slept with your boyfriend?
Elka: No. Was it when I pretended to be you and escaped from Poland?
Anka: No. What about a drink?
Elka: It’s 9:00 A.M.!
Anka: Vodka then.
Elka: Sure!
[Phone rings]
Joy: Oh! It’s my husband-to-be. Hello, husband-to-be. Your lucky flowered shirt is missing? Yeah, I know the one. I love that shirt. I’m in my bedroom right now. I’ll look around for it. Nope, don’t see it anywhere. What? You want to be buried in it? Don’t worry, I’ll find it. [Truck beeping] I’ve got to retrieve that shirt before the trash man does!
Artie: Hello, Joy!
Joy: Oh, thank God.
Artie: Well, this is going better than I thought.
Joy: Take off your shirt.
Artie: A lot better than I thought!.
Joy: Artie, I need that shirt back. It’s my fiance’s favorite. He’s dying and he wants to be buried in it.
Artie: Oh, I’m sorry.
Joy: Thank you, but we’ve made peace with it, so–
Artie: No, no, no, I’m sorry I can’t give you the shirt back. I found it in the trash, and as a former homeless man, I’m well-versed in the 1988 landmark decision, Finders v. Weepers.
Victoria: Artie, you’re a billionaire now. Surely you can buy yourself a hundred hideous shirts.
Artie: Perhaps. Or perhaps I will hold this one hostage.
Melanie: For what? Money?
Artie: No, for love! The love of a good woman! Joy, I need you to give me a makeover so I can find one!
Melanie: Wait, what happened to the love of your life, Preshi, from the rubber ball?
Artie: Ah, I am a Firestone, of Firestone rubber. She is an Elmer, of Elmer’s glue. When our families realized I was rubber and she was glue Well!
Joy: But I don’t have time to give you a makeover. I’m getting married in two days.
Melanie: You know what, Joy? We’ll give him a makeover.
Artie: You will?
Victoria: Yeah, why not. We like a good challenge.
Artie: It’s like My Fair Lady. Eliza Doolittle me! [Cockney accent] I’m a good girl, I am!
Elka: What’s going on in here?
Artie: Holy moly! Twins!

Anka: What was that fight about?
Elka: Was it when I shot you in the shoulder?
Anka: Oh, no, you were drunk. I’m sure our fight happened when we were sober.
Elka: Well, that narrows it down.
Joy: Oh, really, mom? You can’t make it in time to the wedding? Oh, I’m so disappointed. [Silently] Yes! Well, we’re traveling the world. Of course we’ll stop in London. [Mouths silently] I love you, too.
Anka: You know, with that accent and figure, you remind me of a– a gorgeous British movie star. Oh, um, oh, well-what’s the name?
Joy: Kate Beckinsale?
Anka: No. Who am I thinking of?
Elka: Hugh Grant.
Anka: Bingo!
Victoria: All right, Artie, now you walk into the bar and scan the room. Now you spot a beautiful woman at the bar. You approach, say hello, and then say the first thing that comes to mind.
Artie: Hello.
Melanie: Hello.
Artie: I wonder how you’d look in a vat of creamed corn.
Victoria: The second thing that comes to mind.
Artie: A vat of baked beans.
Victoria: No vats. Third thing.
Artie: I bet I could fit your whole head in my mouth!
Victoria: Fourth thing.
Artie: You’re a beautiful woman, yet there’s a sadness behind your eyes. May I buy you a drink?
Melanie: Yes! That’s it! Artie, when you’re with a woman, say only the fourth thing that comes to mind.
Artie: By George, I think I’ve got it! And now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to use the men’s room.

Joy: That was incredible.
George: [Sighs] Wanna hear some music?
Joy: Sure.
George: [Sighs] [Plucking ukulele] [Laughs]
Joy: What are you doing?
George: Don’t tell me I’m the first man you’ve been with who plays the post-coital ukulele. [Plucking ukulele ] Any requests?
Joy: Do you know the refrain from Plane? Why do I smell bananas?
George: I lit my monkey candle.
Joy: But a monkey doesn’t smell like a banana.
George: You want it to smell like burning monkeys?
[Laughter]
Joy: You’re adorable. You know, if I weren’t already marrying you, I’d want to marry you.
George: Aww. [Clears throat loudly] Sorry.
Joy: Three months.
George: [Laughs] Hey, I finished writing my wedding vows this afternoon. You wanna hear ‘Em?
Joy: No, they’ll only make me cry.
George: Would you rather I played my ukulele again?
Joy: Let’s hear those vows!
George: “Joy. From this day on, I choose you to be my wife. I pledge to kiss you slowly, to be food for your soul, to sleep in your arms, to comfort you with my body, just as you promise to comfort me with yours, and we both promise to comfort no others for the rest of eternity.”
Joy: Wait, did you just say I can’t sleep with other men after you’re gone?
George: Well, for, you know, eternity. Hey, I’m not gonna have any sex either.
Joy: Because you’ll be dead! Okay, what if I promise to observe a proper grieving period? How about six months?
George: 30 years.
Joy: Nine months.
George: Two years! And nothing below the belt.
Joy: One year, final offer.
George: Okay, one year, but you have to promise me, the first person you have sex with again, you have to cry out my name.
Joy: [Laughs] Oh, George.
George: No, more like, “oh! George!” Unless his name is George, and then, silence.
Joy: [Laughs]

Artie: Melanie, you’re so beautiful, I’d like to keep you in my basement.
Melanie: That was your third thought, wasn’t it?
Artie: Yes. I need the fingers. You look breathtaking tonight.
Melanie: Aw, thank you. Fourth-thought Artie is a very charming guy.
Artie: Oh! This is what I was afraid of! You created the perfect man, and now you’ve fallen in love with your creation.
Melanie: No, I have not.
Artie: You hide it well.
Melanie: And we’re done.
Victoria: Your perfect woman is at the bar, tearing up over The Bachelor. No wedding ring. She’s already had two glasses of Pinot. Ah, make that three.
Melanie: Okay, you got your lady, now give us the shirt.
Artie: Not until the deal is sealed, but here’s a picture of it with today’s newspaper, so you know it’s still alive.
Melanie: Okay, she’s drunk, he’s rich. It could work.
Victoria: Melanie, we pulled it off. We’ve actually made Artie palatable to women.
Artie: [Shouting] I’m five feet away, and thank you!

Anka: Jacob!
Elka: Edward!
Anka: Tupac!
Elka: Biggie!
George: Look, I-I don’t mean to butt in, but you two have been fighting on either side of me for over an hour. Now Joy told me that my situation inspired your reunion. Do you think there’s any way that I can inspire you guys to bury the hatchet? Life is short!
Elka: Dying guy’s kinda preachy.
Anka: Did you see the cheap ring he got her? What’s he saving his money for?
George: Well, glad I could help. Pay it forward, guys.
Victoria: The bride is almost ready. She’s nervous, so she borrowed something blue from my medicine cabinet. I suppose I didn’t have to announce that, but I took something orange and, well, I’m a little chatty.
[Doorbell rings]
Artie: The deal is sealed.
Victoria: Oh, great, thanks. Uh, we’re about to have a wedding, but I’m glad that things went well last night.
Artie: No, things did not go well! Yes, I got, as the Bible says, “laid,” but all that counting to four before I speak, it’s exhausting. I want a woman who loves me for myself!
Artie: Like you, Victoria.
Victoria: I do not love you.
Artie: Liar!
Melanie: Here comes the bride!
Victoria: Ohh.
Elka: All dressed in White! Bold choice.
Joy: Where’s George? He showed up, didn’t he?
George: I’m right here, baby. And you look insanely beautiful.
Joy: And you look very handsome as well.
George: So are you ready for three months of wedded bliss?
Joy: Absolutely.
George: Hey, look! You found my lucky shirt!
Joy: I did? I did! Surprise! When is the minister gonna get here?
George: What time did you tell him to come?
Joy: I thought the minister was your job.
George: I thought it was yours.
Artie: Perhaps I can be of service. Reverend Artie Firestone, Universal Life Church. I’m also a licensed mohel, should you feel the urge to take a little off the top.
Joy: Should we?
George: Why not?
Joy: Come on, everybody. I’m getting married.
Artie: Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to join this man and woman in holy matrimony. Do you, Rejoyla Scroggs– what a ghastly name– – take this man, George –
George: Gross.
Artie: George Gross, to be your lawful wedded husband, for better or for worse–
[Phone rings]
George: Sorry, I meant to turn that off. Oh, it’s my doctor.
Joy: Oh, you should take that.
George: No, no, I could always–
Joy: No, no, no, no. It could be important.
George: Hmm, okay. Hi, Dr. Marshall. No, it’s okay, I’m just getting married. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Really? Are you sure? Wow. That’s– oh, thank you, thank you.
Joy: What? What is it?
George: I can’t believe this. I just got my new blood work back, and instead of a few months, I’ve got more like two years.
Joy: Really? That’s amazing!
George: Yes! Two years!
Joy: Wow! Two years!
George: Two years.
Joy: Two years.
George: Not three months.
Joy: Not three months.
Artie: May I continue?
George: By all means.[Clears throat loudly]
Joy: Hang on. Uh, we both said there were a lot of things we could put up with for three months, like throat clearing, and monkey candles, and ugly shirts, and–
George: What ugly shirt?
Joy: Never mind. It’s just that now you have all this time to do all the things on your bucket list, and I don’t want to stand in your way. Be honest with me, George.
George: Well, I guess I still would like to take a shot at sleeping with 300 women.
Joy: What?
George: You told me to be honest.
Artie: You should’ve said the fourth thing.
Joy: Are you saying two years is too long to have sex with just me?
George: Well, I–
Joy: What if you had six months to live?.
George: Oh, it would still be you, baby.
Joy: Nine months?
George: Y-you Definitely you, yeah. But come on, two years? That’s longer than any relationship I’ve ever had.
Joy: It is? I didn’t know that. Well, there’s lots of things I don’t know about you.
Artie: Hmm, when Joy and I were engaged, we knew everything about each other.
George: Wait a minute, you two were engaged?
Melanie: It was for a green card, not for love.
Artie: Liar!
George: Well, I guess there’s some things I don’t know about you too.
Joy: We’re rushing into something that doesn’t need rushing into any more.
George: Look, Joy, I don’t know how all this is going to play out, but in a year, if you’re still available, do you think maybe I could–
Joy: Come and see me again? Yes, but not in that hideous shirt.
George: Fair enough. One last kiss? [Sighs]
Artie: By the power vested in me, I now pronounce you not man and wife. And as a licensed mohel, I will cut the cake.

Joy: Well, it’s officially my second failed wedding, only this time I’m twice as old. So, you know [Mouth full] It’s not so sad.
Elka: Well, we’re off to the ballgame.
Victoria: Have fun.
Melanie: Go Indians!
Anka: Indians? Sweetheart, I root for the Reds.
Elka: That was our fight! 1972 you ditched Cleveland to root for Cincinnati!
Anka: Because the Indians sucked ever since they traded Rocky Colavito!
Elka: Gaylord Perry took the Cy Young that year!
Anka: Perry! That dirty pitcher! That man had more vaseline on his balls than Elton John uses to squeeze into his show pants.
Elka: Come on, we’re gonna miss the first pitch.
Anka: Well, age before beauty. I’m two minutes younger, you know?
Elka: The happiest two minutes of Mom’s life.
Anka: I should’ve strangled you while we were still in the womb and I had the chance. By the way, you are buying the hot dogs.
Elka: Oh, speaking of hot dogs, your head is pulled tighter than a ballpark frank. And full of just as much crap.
Anka: You still like mustard?

Hot in Cleveland S03, Ep18 – Cruel Shoes

Season: 3
Episode: 18
Title: Cruel Shoes
Original Air Date: April 18, 2012


Guest Stars:
Kevin Nealon: George
Joey Honsa: Wheelchair Model
Drew Droege: Stage Manager


Synopsis: Victoria takes a stab at designing shoes. At the bar, Joy gets kissed by a random guy (we ain’t talking just a peck on the cheek here). She freaks out and he explains he’s dying and that kissing the most beautiful woman in the restaurant was on his bucket list. They get to talking and then go out. Their date turns into an overnight affair, it boiled down to five dates in one. Victoria is upset because the shoes she designed have not arrived. She calls her cobbler in Italy furious. Joy and George don’t want their “date” to end, so they head back out and attempt to join the mile high club. It’s not successful and they have quite the walk of shame due to turbulence. Back in Cleveland the ladies are backstage at the fashion show that includes Victoria’s shoes. However, they can’t actually be walked in. The models are in wheelchairs, so Joy and Melanie just hold the shoes. Joy tries to break it off with George, but then decides not to (even though he only has 3 months to live). Elka walks the runway in Mr. Jeff’s track suit collection.


Click on either link to grab the third season of the show, it’s a great way to support the ladies and have some serious laughs.

Amazon Hot in Cleveland: Season 3

iTunes Hot in Cleveland, Season 3 – Hot in Cleveland


Favorite Quotes:

* Elka: I used to model when I was younger.
Joy: Togas?
Elka: I was a model for a very big artist.
Joy: Da Vinci?
Elka: That’s the same joke twice, Joy. Like your breasts.

* Elka: What’s that on your face? Is that a wart?
Melanie: No, it’s a beauty mark, like Marilyn Monroe, Cindy Crawford.
Victoria: Uh, but beauty marks go above the lip.
Melanie: Where’s mine?
Elka: On your chin. That’s wicked witch territory.

* Elka: Melanie, honey, not to make you feel any worse, but that gnarly witch mole is getting hairy.
Melanie: It’s not hair. I tried to scrub it off with steel wool, and a couple fibers got stuck.
Elka: Whatever you did, it’s creeping me out.

* Pilot: And for the couple in the bathroom, you’ve got quite a walk of shame back to 31 “A” and “B”.
Joy: Those aren’t our seats!
Pilot: I’m sorry, 34 “A” and “B”.
George: You go first.

* Joy: What did you put this disgusting thing on with? And is that a grey hair on it?
Melanie: No, it’s dental floss. I tried to floss it off.

* Elka: When you laugh, you’re really alive. And you forget about everything else.
George: [Laughs]
Elka: Well, you have to wait till something’s funny.
George: Oh.
Elka: That was just weird.

* Joy: Well, they’re Victoria brand shoes. Of course they’re beautiful and unstable. Oh. Oh, dear God. There’s no support.
Victoria: What, you can’t stand in them either?
Melanie: I’m telling you these shoes are not meant to be walked in by humans.


Transcript:

Victoria: Ladies, I have the most exciting news. A bottle of your finest champagne.
Melanie: You know, when you say that to the air, we don’t get champagne.
Victoria: I am pleased to announce that no longer am I just celebrated celebrity Victoria Chase. But I am now Victoria Chase, celebrated celebrity shoe designer. In this box is my creation, and I’ve been invited to show it at Cleveland Fashion Week.
Joy: Cleveland has a fashion week? I mean, maybe they could pull off a fashion hour or a fashion afternoon, but a whole week?
Victoria: Believe me, I had my doubts too, but apparently Cleveland Fashion Week is a big deal.
Elk: It is. It’s where Mr. Jeff debuts his collection every year.
Melanie: Okay, I’ll ask. Who’s Mr. Jeff?
Elka: Only the hottest tracksuit designer in the business.
Joy: Someone designs those things?
Elka: Comfort & Leisure magazine gave him four recliners.
Victoria: High praise indeed.
Elka: Nothing comes between me and my Mr. Jeff’s.
Joy: As a little mental palate cleanser after that image, please show us your shoes.
Victoria: Behold.
Joy: They’re gorgeous.
Melanie: How exquisite.
Victoria: I mean, you know, they’re not the cure for cancer, but can you wear the cure for cancer with jeans and formal wear?
Elka: I hope that’s not your slogan.
Victoria: It’s just a prototype. And I’ve authorized Marco, my cobbler in Italy, to ship two dozen pairs. And as a matter of fact, I was thinking maybe you ladies would like to model my shoes on the catwalk.
Melanie: Oh yes! Are you kidding me? I’ve always wanted to be a model.
Victoria: Oh, great. Joy?
Joy: Sure, whatever.
Melanie: Why aren’t you more excited?
Joy: Oh, I modeled a ton when I was younger. Kinda burned out on it.
Melanie: [Imitating Joy] “I kinda burned out on it.” I mean, come on! As the woman who spent her prime modeling years in a back brace and a home perm, I’m so psyched.
Elka: I used to model when I was younger.
Joy: Togas?
Elka: I was a model for a very big artist.
Joy: Da Vinci?
Elka: That’s the same joke twice, Joy. Like your breasts.
Victoria: Where is that champagne I ordered?
Joy: I’ll get us some cocktails. Now that we’re models, we may as well go on a liquid diet.
George: Excuse me.
Joy: Yes?
Elka: He must have read what I wrote about her in the men’s room.
Joy: Are you insane?
George: I’m sorry. Please don’t slap me or scream. I’m just doing things on my bucket list. See? “Go to a bar and kiss the most beautiful woman in the room.”
Joy: Thank you. But aren’t you a little young to have a bucket list?
George: Unfortunately I’m not. I only have a few months to live. I wanna get through as many of these as I can.
Joy: You’re serious?
George: Yes, despite the effort of some brilliant doctors, a well-meaning prayer circle, and one highly-questionable wizard I found on the Internet, I’m gonna die soon.
Joy: Oh, God, I’m so sorry.
George: Don’t be. I mean, we’re all gonna die. I just have the advantage of knowing when.
Joy: I must say, you’re awfully upbeat about this whole thing.
George: Hmm.
Joy: What do you have exactly?
George: Oh, type four pseudoxanthama spongiform encephalopathy. I mean, not to brag, but it was the diagnosis on House a couple weeks ago.
Joy: What is it exactly?
George: It’s show about a grumpy doctor.
Joy: No. Tell me more about your disease.
George: Well, it’s very rare. And with any luck, they’ll name it after me. Fingers crossed. Look, I could tell you all about it in excruciatingly boring details, or you could let me take you out to dinner and I could buy you expensive wine and just get lost in your accent. What do you say?
Joy: This is so sudden I don’t know what to say.
George: Then say yes. Every good thing in the world starts with yes.
Joy: Except that song, Yes! We have no bananas. What does that mean exactly? And what was the question asked that led to that answer? And why am I prattling on about this when precious seconds of your life are passing by? Sorry, I think there’s something about your dying that’s making me very nervous.
George: Is that a yes?
Joy: Yes.

Victoria: Marco, the shoes aren’t here. They’re supposed to debut in two days. Due giorni! How do you say “idiot” in Italian?
Elka: Hell if I know.
Victoria: “Elifino”! What a nightmare. My shoes are late. Melanie and Joy are AWOL. I’m supposed to be teaching them the model walk right now.
Elka: The model walk?
Victoria: Yeah, you know. Straight spine, shoulders back, walk on the balls of your feet. And of course look bored and distant.
Elka: You look like a zombie.
Victoria: Oh, thank you.
Elka: When I was a model the goal was to look happy and attractive.
Victoria: Yes, and people married for love, exercised for fun, and ate food for pleasure. Things change, old-timer.
Melanie: Sorry I’m late. I was just getting all model ready.
Elka: What’s that on your face? Is that a wart?
Melanie: No, it’s a beauty mark, like Marilyn Monroe, Cindy Crawford.
Victoria: Uh, but beauty marks go above the lip.
Melanie: Where’s mine?
Elka: On your chin. That’s wicked witch territory.
Melanie: It must have slid down. Oh, no, I used too much glue. It won’t come off! It’s not that bad, is it?
Elka: How long would it take you to grow a beard?

George: Sorry I kept you out so late. I hope you had a good time.
Joy: Are you kidding? Dinner, shooting range, drinks, booze cruise, dancing, after hour club, breakfast. It’s like we crammed five dates into one evening. Have you always been this energetic?
George: Oh, no, no. In a way, this disease has its upside. Like now when I wanna do something, I do it. If I don’t, I don’t. For instance, I have no interest in meeting your mother. I will not share my dessert with you. You get your own damn mousse. And I won’t see your one woman show.
Joy: What if it’s naked?
George: Still no. I’ll run lines with you.
Joy: The sun’s coming up.
George: Excellent.
Joy: What’s that?
George: “Stay up all night with a gorgeous woman.”
Joy: Let me see that. “Get lost in Sao Paulo.” “Try blowfish.”
George:  That’s actually “try blow and fish.” Two things.
Joy: Ah, “streak through the Sistine Chapel.” “Kiss a dolphin.” The animal or the football player?
George: Either or.
Joy: “Eat a hot dog out of a hamburger bun”?
George: Well, I put a few easy things on there. I like to cross things off the list.
Joy: There’s a lot of sexual items on this list.
George: I know, I’m disgusted with myself. But you see any you like, though?
Joy: Well, I’m not doing that.
George: Oh.
Joy: Uh, not doing that again.
George: Oh.
Joy: Uh Don’t have a twin sister. Oh, “Join mile-high club.” That’s interesting.
George: Great, let’s go.
Joy: Excuse me. This is our first date.
George: You said it yourself, we crammed five dates into one night. So sexually we’re way behind.
Joy: Yeah, nice try.
George: All right, look, I don’t wanna pressure you. It’s just that this has been the best date ever, and I don’t want it to end. If you turn me down, I’m gonna have to spend the rest of my short life trying to find another stunning, hilarious, awesome woman who’s got a cool British accent in Cleveland.
Joy: Come on.

Victoria: And step and step and pose. Bored look to the audience. Jolie the leg. Elka, you look like you’d rather be anywhere else but here right now. Great job.
Melanie: How ’bout me? How was I?
Victoria: In a word, terrible. You need to work on your bored look.
Melanie: Ugh, okay, I’ll try. I’ll try. Ugh.
Elka: Melanie, honey, not to make you feel any worse, but that gnarly witch mole is getting hairy.
Melanie: It’s not hair. I tried to scrub it off with steel wool, and a couple fibers got stuck.
Elka: Whatever you did, it’s creeping me out.

George: Yeah, that’s good, that’.
Joy: I’m not sure this is gonna be possible. It’s so tiny!
George: Okay, that’s not the best thing to say to a man who just took off his pants.
Joy: Maybe if I scootch around this way. [Toilet flushes] Pretend that’s a waterfall.
George: I’m sorry, somehow I imagined this would be sexier.
Joy: There is no reason we can’t make this sexy. Oh, hello, mom. Oh, God, airplane mirrors.
George: Oh, God! Oh, God!
Joy: Are you afraid of flying?
George: Terrified. I usually take pills before I fly, but that’s not conducive to having one’s tray table in the full upright position. Okay. Oh! Okay! I don’t wanna die! Yes, I see the irony, but I want my full three months.
Joy: Okay. It’s just you and me. Forget about everything else.
George: Oh. You’re incredible.
Joy: Okay, now let’s do this.
Pilot: Attention passengers, we’re encountering turbulence. Please return to your seats immediately.
George: The classy way to do this is for us to leave separately. I’ll go out first, you come out a few minutes later. No one’s the wiser.
Pilot: And for the couple in the bathroom, you’ve got quite a walk of shame back to 31 “A” and “B”.
Joy: Those aren’t our seats!
Pilot: I’m sorry, 34 “A” and “B”.
George: You go first.

Melanie: This is so exciting. Look it, models everywhere, and I’m one of them. But don’t tell Victoria how excited I am. I was up all night practicing dead eyes.
Joy: Mmm.
Melanie: Ow, ow, ow.
Joy: What did you put this disgusting thing on with? And is that a grey hair on it?
Melanie: No, it’s dental floss. I tried to floss it off.
Joy: I’ll try to cover it up.
Melanie: So you never got to join the mile-high club with George?
Joy: No. But we did join the empty Sbarro in the Toledo airport club. It was fun actually.
George: But isn’t it kind of depressing, you know, hanging out with someone that you know is gonna die soon?
Joy: I suppose. But George is so determined to enjoy what little time he has left. He’s an absolute joy to be around. There is something to be said for dating a man with an expiration date. He’s kind, forthcoming, direct, and up for everything. But–
Melanie: He has an expiration date.
Joy: Exactly.
Melanie: You falling for him?
Joy: I can’t let myself. Which is not fair to him, but I can’t put myself through that kind of heartbreak. I might have to end things with him before it gets to that point.
Melanie: Well, that makes what we’re about to do seem really trivial.
Victoria: Okay, people, remember, this is the most important thing we’ll ever do in our lives.
Director: Victoria, you’re on in ten minutes. Your other models will meet you at the top of the runway.
Victoria: Got it.
Joy: There are other models?
Victoria: There are?
Melanie: That’s what he said.
Victoria: Huh. News to me.

Elka: So you’re dying, huh?
George: That’s right.
Elka: Just like the rest of us.
George: Exactly.
Elka: How’s it going so far?
George: The dying?
Elka: Uh-huh.
George: Pretty good. I mean, all things considered. Just trying to soak up as much as I can out of life.
Elka: Can I see your bucket list?
George: Sure. Oh, a hot dog in a hamburger bun. Oh, that’s fantastic. Promise me you’ll do that one.
George: Sure. Now, since I can’t put “growing old” on my bucket list, what’s the truth about it?
Elka: Well, you don’t pop out of bed as fast.
George: Mmm.
Elka: And you learn not to take anything for granted. But you’ve already figured that out.
George: Does it make you scared?
Elka: Oh, scared is a waste of time. The trick is just to laugh as much as you can.
George: Oh.
Elka: When you laugh, you’re really alive. And you forget about everything else.
George: [Laughs]
Elka: Well, you have to wait till something’s funny.
George: Oh.
Elka: That was just weird.

Victoria: Oh, my God, these shoes are gorgeous. I’m gonna make millions.
Melanie: Ah! Ow! Ahh!
Joy: Are you okay?
Melanie: Yeah, yeah, fine. Just a little pinch. I’ll be fine. Ah, ah, ah, ah, ow!
Victoria: What is wrong?
Melanie: I’m sorry, Victoria. These shoes are beautiful. They’re just really unstable.
Joy: Well, they’re Victoria brand shoes. Of course they’re beautiful and unstable. Oh. Oh, dear God. There’s no support.
Victoria: What, you can’t stand in them either?
Melanie: I’m telling you these shoes are not meant to be walked in by humans.
Victoria: But we’re not humans, we’re models! All right, now let me show you how it’s done. You just – holy crap! That hurts.
Director: All right, ladies, you’re up. The wheelchair models will meet you at the top of the runway.
Victoria: Wheelchair models? Why are my models in wheelchairs?
Melanie: Maybe they tried on your shoes.
Director: The event is called “walk and roll.” It’s a benefit for women who can’t walk but still want to be fashionable.
Victoria: What? Why is this the first I’m hearing about this?
Director: It’s not. We spoke about it on four different occasions.
Melanie: Was she nodding and going, “yes, yes, yes”?
Director: Yeah.
Melanie: Yeah, she wasn’t listening.
Director: Okay, you know, we really don’t have time for all this. You’re on in 30 seconds. I suggest you get moving.
Melanie: We can’t hobble like this next to women in wheelchairs. People will think we’re making fun of them.
Joy: So what are we gonna do?
Victoria: What do you mean, what are we gonna do? Think about something other than the pain. Melanie, you have a hideous mole on your face. Joy, your boyfriend’s dying. Okay, let’s get out there and sell some shoes. Ow! This is the worst thing that’s ever happened to anyone. Or is it? Did someone say something about wheelchair models?
Joy: Oh, no. You’ve got that look in your eye. Victoria, you do know the best thing to do is to admit these shoes are a disaster and just call the whole thing off?
Victoria: Yes, yes. Yes, yes, yes.
Director: Ladies and gentlemen, Cleveland fashion week is pleased to announce Shoes by Victoria Chase.
Victoria: Tonight I’m proud to present Victoria Chase Shoes.
Melanie and Joy: Victoria Chase Shoes.
Victoria: The only shoes in the world designed never to be walked in.
Melanie and Joy: Victoria Chase Shoes.
Victoria: Yes, only I, Victoria Chase, was brave enough to design shoes exclusively for the differently-abled woman.
[Applause]
Victoria: High fashion heels for a woman on wheels. Oh, if you want to call me a visionary, that’s your business. My business is being a visionary.
Wheelchair Model: Excuse me, I’m sorry. I just, I can’t listen to this any more.
Victoria: Models don’t speak, darling.
Wheelchair Model: Unless they’re saying
Melanie and Joy: Victoria Chase Shoes.
Wheelchair Model: It’s just that we can wear whatever shoes we want.
Victoria: But now you don’t have to.
Wheelchair Model: But that’s insane. We don’t need Victoria Chase shoes.
Melanie and Joy: Victoria Chase Shoes.

Joy: Oh, you’re really good at this.
George: Yeah, you starting to feel anything?
Joy: Unfortunately, yes. George, can we talk?
George: Uh-oh. Every bad conversation in the world starts with, “can we talk?”
Joy: I don’t know how to put this.
George: Let me help. You met this fantastically sexy, handsome, funny, sexy guy, but the dude is about to croak. And if he was any kind of a gentleman, he would say good-bye now.
Joy: I’m sorry. I’m just scared.
George: Scared’s a waste of time. I get it. Good-bye, Joy. I wish saying, “we’ll always have Sbarro” was as romantic as saying, “we’ll always have Paris.”
Joy: George, wait.
George: Right here.
Joy: What might we cross off that list on our second date?
George: Number five.
Joy: I keep telling you, I am not doing number five.
George: I wouldn’t respect you if you did.
Joy: How ’bout we just grab a cup of coffee and talk?
George: They say the best coffee is in Brazil. You up for it?
Joy: I am. Bigger bathrooms on Jumbo jets.
George: Ooh, I like the way you think. But first, let’s check out Mr.
Jeff’s fashion show.
Joy: What?
George: It’s the spring collection.
Joy: Who are you?
George: Your new boyfriend. Get used to it.

Director: Ladies and gentlemen, we are pleased to announce our main event. The newest collection of tracksuits by Mr. Jeff.
[Cheers and applause]
Melanie: Where’s Elka? I can’t believe she’s missing this.
Victoria: I can’t believe we’re watching this.
Melanie: Oh! There’s Elka.
Joy: I don’t believe it.
George: I know, leopard lining! The man is a genius.
Victoria: The vacant gaze is perfect. Jolie the leg.