Hot in Cleveland S02, Ep22 – Elka’s Wedding

Season: 2
Episode: 22
Title: Elka’s Wedding
Original Air Date: August 31, 2011


Guest Stars:
Carl Reiner: Max
Don Rickles: Bobby
Buck Henry: Fred
Eric Andre: Jeff
Dick Van Patten: Lester
Troy Metcalf: Policeman Mike
C.J. Vana: Frat Guy
Jack Axelrod: Ernie
Barber Ali: Abdul-Hamid
Kurt Ela: Moustachioed Man


Synopsis: Elka’s bachelorette party gets under way. Melanie gives them all asprin so they don’t get hungover. However, she actually gives them the dog’s worm medication instead. The ladies get seriously high and do all sorts of stuff (I’m not spoiling anything here). Once they come to they discover that Elka is missing. They go all over trying to find her. Each location brings back some memories. They finally find her at her late husband’s grave. She and Fred decide to get married. As Victoria and Joy walk down they aisle they have a flashback. As Elka walks down the aisle, four men try to stop the wedding and ask her to marry them instead. However, a blast from Elka’s past reappears and stops everything.


Click on either link to grab the second season of the show, it’s a great way to support the ladies and have some serious laughs.

Amazon Hot in Cleveland: Season 2

iTunes Hot in Cleveland, Season 2 – Hot in Cleveland


Favorite Quotes:

* Elka: Stripper’s here. We’re gonna go grate some cheese on his abs.

* Joy: Damn! Even during confusing animal medicine blackouts, I can’t keep a man.

* Joy: Oh, God. I’ve just noticed I’m I’m wearing a wedding ring. Did I get married last night?

* Joy: I mean she’s been married before. Melanie’s been married before. You’ve been married like a million times. It can’t be that hard. I’m gonna get married tonight. I know, I’ll lower my standards. But how is that even possible?

* Bartender: You won a wet t-shirt contest.
Melanie: I entered a wet t-shirt contest?
Bartender: You started it. You came in wearing a wet shirt and challenged everybody. I believe your exact words were, “nobody can beat these.”

* Joy: God was alone. I feel his pain. That’s why we’re both so vengeful. I’m gonna marry the next guy that’ll have me.
Victoria: What guy wouldn’t have you?
Elka: What guy hasn’t had you?

* Melanie: So high on dog medicine, I ate a box of communion wafers and won a wet t-shirt contest drenched in holy water. How many sins is that?

* Fred: Now we don’t have to feel guilty anymore.
Elka: Except that I’m literally dancing on my husband’s grave.

* Joy: We’re not going to be married, we are married.
Victoria: Be a good wife, and zip it.
Joy: You be a good wife. It’ll break your streak.


Transcript:

Joy: [Screams]
Victoria: [Screams]
Joy and Victoria: [Both scream]
Victoria: Your hair!
Joy: Your hair! What is all this? What happened?
Victoria: Who are all these people? Where is Melanie?
Melanie: Help!
Joy: Melanie!
Melanie: Help. [Screams] Your hair!
Joy: We’ve already screamed about the hair. Are you okay?
Melanie: How can I be okay? I’m “duck-taped” to a wall!
Victoria: It’s duct-taped, with a “t.” And I know this because I played a plucky plumber’s wife in the lifetime original movie–
Joy: Seriously? Now?
Melanie: How did all this happen?

[Doorbell rings]
Joy: Who’s that?
Victoria: The stripper’s here.
Joy: Yea!
Police Officer: Afternoon, ma’am.
Victoria: Oh, no. No, no, no, no, no.
Police Officer: Uh, look, your car is parked too far from the curb. I’m gonna let you off with a warning, but–
Victoria: All right, enough with the patter. Come on in and show me what you got.
Police Officer: Excuse me?
Victoria: Look, I have 20 women coming here expecting to see a g-man in a g-string. Doesn’t look like you’re packing much heat.
Elka: Stripper’s here. We’re gonna go grate some cheese on his abs.
Victoria: I’ll just take that ticket now.
Police Officer: Well, seeing that you’re a local celebrity.
Victoria: Local?
Police Officer: I’ve seen you on the news. Anyway, make sure you move that car. And by the way, these pants are deceiving. I’m packing plenty.
Joy: Where’s the stripper?
Victoria: Oh, it wasn’t a stripper. It was a real cop. And he let me off with a warning because I’m a “local” celebrity.
Joy: Well, that’s nice.
Victoria: No, it’s not. I’m a national celebrity. I mean, it’s one thing to own Cleveland, but to be Cleveland’s own Dear God, I need a drink.
Melanie: Wait, wait, wait. As maid of honor, it’s my responsibility to make sure that no one has a hangover at Elka’s wedding tomorrow.
Joy: It’s a bachelorette party. We’re supposed to drink heavily. I know because I’ve been a bridesmaid so many, many times.
Melanie: We can drink, but I read on the Internet if you take lots of aspirin and drink water, you won’t get a hangover.
Victoria: You know, you can’t believe everything you read online.
Melanie: It also said you need to coat your stomach with carbs.
Victoria: Ah, on the other hand, the Internet is a kind of folk wisdom.
Joy: And we don’t want to ruin Elka’s big day.
Victoria: No.
Melanie: And that’s the last thing I remember.
Joy: Me too.
Victoria: Okay, so basically, the only thing we know for sure is that hairy-bellied young men enjoyed themselves.
Joy: But I need some more of that aspirin.
Melanie: Oh.
Joy: Melanie This isn’t aspirin. It’s the dog’s worm medicine.
Melanie: What?
Victoria: You dosed us with dog drugs?
Melanie: Well, not on purpose! It looks just like the aspirin bottle.
Joy: “If ingested by humans, “could result in extreme erratic behavior, anxiety, delusions, depression”
Both: [Gasping, groaning] “And sudden weight loss.”
Both: Oh! – Oh, really? I could lose a pound or two.
Joy: I’m sure whatever weight we lost was offset by the gallons of champagne we drank.
Victoria: And maple syrup?
Joy: Maple syrup! I just remembered something. I kissed a man that smelled like maple syrup. But which one was it? [Sniffs] Jagermeister. [Sniffs] Goldschlager. [Sniffs] Oof. A general Matthew McConaughey kind of funk.
Victoria: Wait! No, I-I remember maple syrup guy. No, he, uh, he had a mustache and a-a funny accent, and I kissed him after you.
Joy: Damn! Even during confusing animal medicine blackouts, I can’t keep a man.
Melanie: Guys, we can figure out what we did later. Right now we have to get all these people out of here and get ready for Elka’s wedding. [Whimpering] I’m a terrible maid of honor.
Joy: Oh, God. I’ve just noticed I’m I’m wearing a wedding ring. Did I get married last night?
Melanie: We don’t know. We don’t know what we did last night.
Joy: It must have been the funny-accented man with the maple syrup mustache. Not the most promising profile, but at least he’s mine.
Victoria: Not so fast. Apparently, I got married too.
Melanie: Come on, go on. Yeah, get outta here. Right, yeah.
Joy: Why are you giving them gift bags?
Melanie: Well, I’m still the hostess.
Frat Boy: Mascara? Don’t you have something for guys?
Melanie: You weren’t even supposed to be here. Anyway, it’s L’oreal million lashes. You should just give it to your girlfriend.
Frat Boy: Oh, cool, then. Here.
Melanie: Why me?
Frat Boy: Dude, we totally made out last night for, like, three hours. Check my Facebook page.
Joy: Thanks.
Victoria: Ladies, uh, we have a little problem. I can’t find Elka. She’s not in her cottage, she missed her hairdresser’s appointment, and she’s not answering her cell.
Melanie: She’s getting married in three hours. Oh, m This is a disaster!
Victoria: All right, let’s not go to full-out panic just yet.
[Doorbell rings]
Victoria: I’m sure she’s with Fred. Oh, no, it’s Fred. Uh, look, you’re not supposed to see the bride. Unless, of course, Elka called or emailed you and asked you to come over. Did she do that?
Fred:  No, I haven’t talked to Elka since she was getting ready to come to your party.
Victoria: Ah.
Fred: Ooh! Some party! My bachelor party got a little wild too. Caffeinated sodas after 10:00. [Chuckles] Still feeling it.
Victoria: It’s a great story, Fred. Well, nice to see you.
Fred:  Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. I need you guys to find my lucky shorts. I left them in Elka’s bedroom.
Melanie: What’s so lucky about them?
Fred: Well, the fact that they’re in Elka’s bedroom Would have-
Victoria: Okay, we will find them, and we will get them to you.
Fred: Black boxer briefs. Uh, low-rise. Mesh side panels.
Victoria: You paint a vivid picture.
Fred: Oh, and when you talk to Elka, will you please tell her that every hour we’re apart, my heart becomes a little smaller.
Melanie: Aw
Fred: And it’s not good for my heart, so tell her to call me already.
Melanie: Can we full-on panic now?

Joy: It doesn’t make any sense. There’s no sign of her anywhere?
Melanie: Sign! Elka was looking for a sign. We talked about it last night. I remember being very interesting and witty.
Melanie: Wazzuuuuuuup?
Elka: You’re loaded, that’s wazzuuuuuuup.
Melanie: But I’m not gonna get a hangover because I took lots and lots of aspirin. What are you doing out here? Weren’t you having fun at your party?
Elka: I was, but it’s almost midnight, and I haven’t gotten my sign yet.
Melanie: Your sign?
Elka: From my late husband, Bobby. So I’ll know if he’s okay with my marrying Fred.
[Owl hoots]
Elka: An owl.
Melanie: Was that the sign?
Elka: It might be. Bobby always liked those potato chips with the owl on them. I Love Potato chips.
[Owl hoots]
Elka: Oh, I’ve gotta get a closer look at that owl.
Melanie: I know. I’ll climb up and ask him if it’s okay if you get married.
Elka: No, you’re too drunk.
Melanie: No, I’m just drunk enough. Mr. Owl Wazzuuuuuuuup!
Joy: Oh, God, I feel so vibrant and alive and energized and alive! And did I say alive? I meant to say it twice because that’s how alive I feel.
Victoria: I feel weird. Maybe we should stop drinking.
Joy: No, that’s quitter talk. You need to be strong in the face of your emotions because I’ve noticed your emotions can sense your moods, and then when you’re sad, they’re happy because they want And can you believe Elka is getting married before I am?
Victoria: Llllocal celebrity. Ah, that’s how it starts. Or should I say finishes?
Joy: I mean she’s been married before. Melanie’s been married before. You’ve been married like a million times. It can’t be that hard. I’m gonna get married tonight. I know, I’ll lower my standards. But how is that even possible?
Victoria: The four stages of an actor’s life. “Get me Victoria Chase. No, get me a Victoria Chase type. No, get me a young Victoria Chase. [Sobbing] Who’s Victoria Chase?”
Joy: I’m so glad we’re having this conversation because I feel we’re connecting on a deeper level. God, I feel so alive!
Elka: How’s the owl look?
Melanie: Scary, like wolf blitzer. Owl, is it okay if Elka gets married?
Elka: What’s he doing?
Melanie: Staring at a gray squirrel that looks like Anderson Cooper. Oh, wolf blitzer is carrying him away. I’ll save you, Anderson! Whoa yaaaah! [Thud] I’m okay.
Melanie: I think that squirrel bit my ankle. Or maybe it was one of the frat boys. Either way, I’m gonna need a tetanus shot. [Gasps] Frat house. I remember. Elka was looking for her sign from her husband, so she wanted to go to all the places where they had memories.
Joy: That’s right. We went to their first apartment, which is now part of a college dorm. Which explains the frat boys all over the furniture this morning and why someone wrote Kappa Sig on my back.
Melanie: The mugs.
Victoria: The mugs? Who are you, Edward G.Robinson?
Melanie: The mugs over the bar. We went there last night, remember?
Joy: Because that’s where Elka’s husband proposed. He surprised her by arranging the mugs to spell “marry me.”
Victoria: And what did they spell last night?

Melanie: Oh, I hope Elka didn’t see that.
Bartender: Oh, hey, you’re back.
Victoria: Oh, thank God you remember us. We’re desperate to find our friend Elka. Was she here with us last night?
Bartender: Yeah, she got upset and left after she saw these mugs.
Melanie: Why do they say “don’t do it”?
Bartender: It was for the purity pledge dinner. You guys stayed and took the oath.
Melanie: We did?
Bartender: Not you. You won a wet t-shirt contest.
Melanie: I entered a wet t-shirt contest?
Bartender: You started it. You came in wearing a wet shirt and challenged everybody. I believe your exact words were, “nobody can beat these.”
Melanie: Holy Oh! I remember how I got wet. We were in church.
Victoria: Was it my wedding?
Joy: Or mine?
Melanie: No, it’s the church that Elka and Fred are gonna get married at. She was still looking for her sign.

Joy: God didn’t get married either, did he? I mean, there was no Mrs. God.
Would she be Mrs. God? Not if she kept her maiden name. But why would she do that? Mrs. God! It would be so easy to get reservations. God was alone. I feel his pain. That’s why we’re both so vengeful. I’m gonna marry the next guy that’ll have me.
Victoria: What guy wouldn’t have you?
Elka: What guy hasn’t had you? Can we get back to my sign? Bobby, please. Give me something.
Melanie: I know what we can do. You can open the Bible, close your eyes, and then put your finger on a passage and see what it says.
Joy: Oh, like God’s magic 8 ball. Signs point to yes. Outlook cloudy. You’re going on a long trip. Agh! That’s a fortune cookie.
Elka: I can’t look.
Victoria: I shall do the reading of the word. Uh, “those who marry will face many troubles in this life.”
Elka: Oh, no.
Victoria: Uh, how ’bout best twoeth out of threeth? “The Lord has prepared his people for a great slaughter.” And, uh, may the oldest and most bedazzled amongst you nay, sweateth not, but just go for it.
Melanie: You made that up. You just blasphemed. Blas Blaspheme bla You did a bad thing.
Joy: What are you eating?
Melanie: Oh, I found these crackers with these cute little ts on them.
Elka: Those are crosses. You’re eating the communion wafers.
Melanie: Oh, no. Oh, no. I’m gonna go straight to he Hell.

Melanie: So high on dog medicine, I ate a box of communion wafers and won a wet t-shirt contest drenched in holy water. How many sins is that?
Victoria:  Well Well, at least the wafers hadn’t been blessed yet.
Joy: How do you know that?
Victoria: Don’t you remember on Edge of Tomorrow, when Honor St. Raven became a nun and took a vow of silence? You know, I did all my acting with my eyes.
Bartender: Hey. Weird question. Did you take my iguana?
Joy: The iguana’s at our house. We’ll bring it back after the wedding. If there is a wedding.
Joy and Victoria: (Both) Pancakes.

Joy: The thing about pancakes is they’re also called hotcakes and sometimes Johnny cakes, and yet all of these cakes, none of them has frosting, which, by the way, they ought to sell in single servings. Single-serving frosting! That’s a million-dollar idea! We need to become man-traps.
Victoria: I have an announcement to make. I am gonna get fat. I don’t know, it seems that people like their local celebrities jolly. And also, these things are awesome. I mean, how come I haven’t eaten one in, like, 20 years? Oh, uh, barkeep? We need some more maple syrup, please.
Bartender: Sorry, you drank the last bottle.
Victoria: Everything is ruined.
Joy: Victoria, Victoria, Victoria. Syrup is the frosting of pancakes. Which is why we need to get more. What are we gonna do? Go to Canada?
Joy: Yes! That’s exactly what we should do. Canada is the crazy thing we need to shake up our attitudes towards pancakes and men and love. Let’s go!
Victoria: She’s a genius.
Melanie: You guys flew to Canada?
Joy: We did. We talked our way onto a charter jet full of big-haired women.
Victoria: It was the road company of hairspray. So maybe our husbands are in musical theater.
Joy: Our husbands are gay? Well, it isn’t so bad. I mean, there’s problems in the bedroom, but the rest of the house is spectacular.
Melanie: Listen, I’m glad you guys are starting to remember stuff, but we really need to find Elka.
Joy: You’re right.
Victoria: Of course.
Melanie: She’s probably out looking for her sign, but where? We’ve covered the places she and her husband were together.
Joy: What about the last place they were together?
Elka: It doesn’t have to be lightning, or a miracle, like the browns winning. I just need something.

Fred: Elka?
Elka: Fred! What are you doing here?
Fred: I came to visit my wife’s grave. [Chuckles] I wanted to make sure that she was okay with us. I was looking for a sign.
Elka: Me, too. And I think it just arrived.
[Laughs]
All: Aw.
[Bells ringing]
Fred: Now we don’t have to feel guilty anymore.
Elka: Except that I’m literally dancing on my husband’s grave.

[Organ chord]
Victoria: Oh, my God.
Joy: Are you remembering what I’m remembering?
Official: Therefore, by the power vested in me by the province of Ontario, I now pronounce you
Both: We’re married.
Melanie: We’re two measures behind go.
Victoria: We didn’t even do a pre nup.
Joy: That’s what you’re worried about?
Victoria: Why, don’t be snarky. If we’re gonna be married, we can’t be snarky.
Joy: We’re not going to be married, we are married.
Victoria: Be a good wife, and zip it.
Joy: You be a good wife. It’ll break your streak.
Victoria: [Scoffs]
[Organ chord]
[Bridal chorus playing]
All: Oh!
Old Guy #1: Stop! Elka, don’t marry him! Marry me! I’ve been in love with you since you walked into the senior center and bent over to close my velcro sneaker. Now I want us to be fastened together, too.
Lester: No, Elka, marry me!
Ernie: Sit down, Lester.
Lester: Oh, Ernie, you sit down. Elka, if you move in with me, together we can walk to shopping without ever having to cross one single intersection!
Old Guy #2: Both of you, stop embarrassing my number one lady! Elka, marry me.
Elka: You can all stop. Please! The only man I’m here to marry is right down there.
Max?
Max: Elka, don’t do it!
Elka: Max?
Max: If you’re gonna marry anybody, marry me. I should’ve never let you go.
Bobby: She’s not gonna marry any of you losers. She’s already married to me. How about that?
Melanie: Elka, who is that?
Elka: My dead husband.
Bobby: That’s right. I’m back.
[Camera shutter clicking]

Hot in Cleveland S02, Ep21 – BridezElka

Season: 2
Episode: 21
Title: BridezElka
Original Air Date: August 24, 2011


Guest Stars:
Cedric the Entertainer: Reverend Boyce
Buck Henry: Fred


Synopsis: The ladies offer to help Elka with her wedding planning and paying for the wedding as their gift to her. Elka just wants something simple. The ladies give Elka lots of magazines. With all the research Elka turns into a Bridezilla. She wakes Joy at 3am telling her that she is her wedding planner. She hates the cakes, she beats Joy up with a bouquet and sends Melanie and Victoria after her wedding dress. Elka and Fred do their counseling with Reverend Boyce. Joy, having to stand in for Elka in one session, recognizes he use to be singer. They sing his song together. Elka continues going crazier and Fred calls off the wedding. Joy tries to fix everything by showing Fred a bit of the wedding. Elka shows up too. After a long talk with Reverend Boyce and apologies and real reason for her craziness, the wedding is back on.


Click on either link to grab the second season of the show, it’s a great way to support the ladies and have some serious laughs.

Amazon Hot in Cleveland: Season 2

iTunes Hot in Cleveland, Season 2 – Hot in Cleveland


Favorite Quotes:

* Reverend Boyce: Ooh, no, you didn’t. No, uh I’m gonna give you the advice I give all grooms when it comes to wedding planning. Go limp. Not one part of this day is about you.

* Elka: Oh! I was miss teen potato. In Poland, that’s as good as it gets.

* Melanie: Oh, yeah, your diaper pants.
Victoria: They weren’t diapers. They are active wear slacks.
Joy: That you pee in.

* Elka: You were right! My wedding needs to be big! You’re my wedding planner!
Joy: Why me? Because Melanie’s too nice, and Victoria’s too crazy. You’ve got just the right amount of bitch to get the job done.

* Joy: Last night, Elka woke me up at 3:00 A.M. to announce that I was her wedding planner. And you wouldn’t believe the mood swings. I’m afraid we’ve created a bit of a monster.

* Elka: Oh, no! I look like a F [bleep] Oompa-Loompa!

* Joy: Welcome to bridezelka.

* Reverend Boyce: By the way, yours looks lovely.
Joy: Oh! Thank you so much. Hey! I wanna have sex with you!
Fred: Wow! Elka told me you were a tramp! He’s a minister!

* Reverend Boyce: Well, I suggest you turn the other cheek. That way the bruises will match up.

* Victoria: This is so sad. Do you think the wedding’s really off?
Joy: No. No, it is not off. I have put up with too much abuse, and foul language, and bouquet grenades to give up now.

* Reverend Boyce: I don’t wanna ruin the moment here or anything, but are you about to explode?
Victoria: Oh It’s the sweat from all the dancing. But I might need somebody to cut me out of this when we are done.

* Elka: Um, I think we’ll probably stick with Sinatra.
Reverend Boyce: Well, I have other songs I can
Fred: Go limp.


Transcript:

Reverend Boyce: Your wedding day is an occasion of great joy. Nothing gives more hope for the future than a young bride walking down the aisle with the blush of innocence on her cheek, joining hands with the groom, eager and nervous, barely more than a boy himself. You know, I’m gonna call a timeout right now. I realize that you wanted me to talk to you like any young couple about to get married, but given your “Life experience,” maybe we can skip over a few things.
Elka: No, we want you to go completely by the books.
Fred: We want this to feel like the first time. Please continue.
Reverend Boyce: Okay. Well, the next thing I usually discuss is the wedding night. You know, family planning and such. You got any questions there?
Elka: No. We’re good in that area.
Reverend Boyce: All right, well, what kind of ceremony did you have in mind?
Elka: Uh, something simple, tasteful.
Fred: I had a thought.
Reverend Boyce: Ooh, no, you didn’t. No, uh I’m gonna give you the advice I give all grooms when it comes to wedding planning. Go limp. Not one part of this day is about you.
Fred: All I was trying to say –
Reverend Boyce: Okay, see, there’s that word “I” again. That’s gonna cause you nothing but trouble. And whatever you do, when speaking to your bride, never use the word “relax” or refer to anything as being “not that big a deal.”
Fred: But the music
Reverend Boyce: Okay. But, you see, Fred, really, come on now. You know that little part of your mind that makes judgments, that thinks that, “oh, this is dumb” or “that’s unnecessary”? I want you to turn that off right now. Just shut your brain down and do what your woman says. And by the way, that is also my advice for the marriage.
Elka: We picked the right minister.

Melanie: Oh, I’m so excited! We get to have a wedding!
Victoria: Well, my favorite wedding was definitely my third.
Melanie: You mean to your gay husband?
Victoria: Well, I didn’t know he was at the time. Oh, he just took care of everything. He designed the dress, and the cake, and the flowers, and he did my hair and makeup, and he wouldn’t rest until he found the right pair of heels.
Joy: And yet you had no clue there might be problems in the actual marriage.
Victoria: Well, what am I? A detective? No, I mean, I suppose I might’ve been tipped off by the fact that his bachelor party was just a quiet dinner with his best man. In San Francisco. For an entire weekend.
Melanie: Ooh, here’s the blushing bride now! Did you bring us your wedding album?
Elka: This is it.
Victoria: What? One picture?
Melanie: Oh, Elka, you’re beautiful!
Elka: Oh! I was miss teen potato. In Poland, that’s as good as it gets.
Victoria: Oh, well, look at that fresh face and that hair. And, oh, that tiny little waist.
Melanie: And I’ll say it Nice rack!
Joy: You look like a teenager.
Elka: I was a teenager.
Victoria: Oh, and were you a virgin on your wedding night?
Elka: You don’t get to be miss teen potato without peeling a few skins.
Melanie: Well, Elka, we have a surprise for you. As our wedding gift to you, we would like to plan and pay for everything.
Joy: Mm-hmm.
Elka: Oh, that’s not necessary. I just want something simple.
Victoria: Well, we can totally do simple! You know, I hear that under 200 guests is very chic right now.
Melanie: Mm-hmm.
Victoria: So we could get away with two tents.
Melanie: Chamber instead of a full orchestra.
Joy: Maybe just three horses for the carriage.
Elka: Oh, wait. All I want are a few close friends as I exchange vows before God with the man I adore.
Victoria: Well, that’s just sad.
Joy: You just need to do some research. We’ve got bride magazines, and there’s a ton of wedding shows you can download.
Victoria: Yeah, you have to make sure that every detail is perfect. Remember, all eyes will be on you.
Elka: That’s true. This was a long time ago.

(doorbell rings)
Victoria: Oh, good! It’s here.
Melanie: What is?
Victoria: What’s going to help us pay for this wedding and more.
Melanie: Oh, all right. Well, here, start studying.
Victoria: Thank you. Okay, you remember when I did that commercial for Mrs.
Ladypants?
Melanie: Oh, yeah, your diaper pants.
Victoria: They weren’t diapers. They are active wear slacks.
Joy: That you pee in.
Victoria: Look, they didn’t air any of those commercials in America, and they’re paying me a bundle to try their newest product. “Dear Chase Victoria, “million of women trust Mrs. Ladypants, “number one for freshness of crotch. “Now crotch-fresh feelings can whisper all over “with Mrs. Ladypants for body. “Feed your garbage daily with our single-use freshness jumpsuits.”
Melanie: So they’re disposable diaper clothes?
Victoria: No. They are experimental prototypes. I’m supposed to wear them day and night for the next week. Uh, “you will feel so much happy “you will make water in your clothes. “No problem for Chase Victoria, “the face of incontinence, and now sweating.”
(Melanie and Joy laugh hysterically)

Joy: Aah!
Elka: Joy, get up! Now!
Joy: Elka, what is it?
Elka: You were right! My wedding needs to be big! You’re my wedding planner!
Joy: Why me?
Elka: Because Melanie’s too nice, and Victoria’s too crazy. You’ve got just the right amount of bitch to get the job done.
Joy: Oh, I’m flattered that you chose me. I know we’ve never been close, but
Elka: This is not a sweet moment! Get your bony ass out of bed!

Melanie: Wow! You’re up early.
Joy: Oh, Lord, wait till I tell you. What’s that noise?
Melanie: Oh, I hope there’s not an animal in the walls.
Victoria: Morning.
Melanie: Are you okay?
Victoria: Ugh. This suit seems to be just sucking all the moisture out of me. Just so dry. So What’s all this?
Joy: Oh, your wedding assignments. For the last two days, Elka’s done nothing but study magazines, and books, and watch cable shows Bridezillas, bride wars, bridalplasty.
Victoria: Bridalplasty? What’s that?
Joy: It’s this ridiculous show where women get plastic surgery before their weddings.
Victoria: And? I am missing the twist.
Joy: Last night, Elka woke me up at 3:00 A.M. to announce that I was her wedding planner. And you wouldn’t believe the mood swings. I’m afraid we’ve created a bit of a monster.
Melanie: Oh, well, now, you and Elka never see eye to eye. I’m sure she’ll be fine.
Elka: I got a spray tan.
Melanie: Yes, we can see that. Why?
Elka: All the brides do it. What do you think? Now, be honest.
Melanie: Well.
Elka: You don’t like it. My wedding’s ruined!
Victoria: No, no, no, no. We we love it a lot.
Melanie: You look very tropical.
Elka: Oh, no! I look like a F [bleep] Oompa-Loompa!
Melanie: Elka!
Elka: Don’t you watch bridal shows? That’s how we all talk.
Joy: Also, bride has requested that we do a choreographed aisle walk.
Elka: I want it to go viral.
Melanie: Now, Elka.
Elka: Get. it. done.
Joy: She’s also become a fan of turning everything into a string of one-word sentences.
Elka: All. Brides. Do. it.
Joy: Welcome to bridezelka.

Elka: Crap. Crap. Crap. I need rosier roses. Write it down.
Joy: I’ll remember.
Elka: Write. it. down.
(doorbell rings)
Joy: Hello, Fred.
Fred: Hi.
Elka: Hi, groom.
Fred: Hi, bride!
Elka: You’re late. I’m sorry. I was, uh, delayed, answering questions about this. Do we have to wear this all the time?
Elka: I didn’t realize that doing the least little thing for me was such a chore.
Fred: Please don’t cry. I’m happy to wear it.
Elka: Oh. Whoa! Whoa, what’s all this? Whatever happened to “simple”?
Joy: Bride has decided she’d like something a little more elaborate.
Fred: Mmm. This red velvet is heaven!
Elka: Yeah, if heaven is three layers of crap with crap in between.
Fred: O-kay.
Joy: Oh, it’s Melanie and Victoria skyping us from the bridal shop. It’s the annual running of the dress.
Fred: What’s that?
Joy: It’s this huge sale where hundreds of brides compete to grab top designer wedding gowns. The dress bride wants is there.
Elka: I saw it in a bridal magazine. I wanna feel like a princess.
Fred: Yes, but all that trouble over one dress sounds.
Elka: Sounds what? What does it sound like? Come on, open your cakehole and tell me.
Fred: Nothing, princess.
Joy: Oh, hi! Melanie and Victoria, we can see you!
Melanie: These women are crazy! We got your dress!
Elka: Ooh, it’s perfect! Melanie, sweetie, try it on.
Melanie: But there’s no dressing rooms!
Elka: Try it on. May I help you?

Reverend Boyce: In this second counseling session, I usually answer any additional questions that may’ve come up. But first I have a question. Who are you?
Joy: Oh. Joy Scroggs. I’m the bride’s proxy. You see, none of the cake decorators in Cleveland met her standards, so she’s spending the day in Chicago.
Reverend Boyce: Mm. Is that a bruise?
Joy: Ugh, it’s just a rejected bouquet.
Reverend Boyce: She threw it at you?
Joy: Our official position is that I failed to duck properly.
Fred:  It’s like I was saying on the phone, reverend. I don’t know what’s come over Elka. She’s lost her mind.
Joy: Oh. It’s a text from bride. “What is Fred saying about me?”
Fred: I know you said to go limp, reverend, but shouldn’t I be honest?
Reverend Boyce: Uh, that depends on how long you wanna be married.
Fred: Tell her I worship the ground she walks on.
Reverend Boyce: And add a compliment about her hair.
Fred: I can’t see her hair.
Reverend Boyce: Oh, that don’t matter. Women just like somebody somewhere saying something nice about their hair at all times. By the way, yours looks lovely.
Joy: Oh! Thank you so much. Hey! I wanna have sex with you!
Fred: Wow! Elka told me you were a tramp! He’s a minister!
Reverend Boyce: Fred, I wasn’t always a minister. Uh, I was a singer before I got my calling. I wanna have sex with you was a record I made.
Joy (singing): Ooh, baby, it’s time to lock the door
Reverend Boyce (singing): You know I wanna see that clothing hit the floor
Joy and Reverend Boyce (singing): Ooh-ooh, ooh, ooh Bah-bah, bah, bah-bah, bah I wanna have sex with you
Joy: My friend Melanie lost her virginity to you.
Reverend Boyce: Oh, yeah, I get that a lot.
Fred: How does your congregation feel about that song?
Reverend: Well, I get varied reactions. It’s an issue.
(Text tone)
Joy: Oh. It’s Elka again. New wedding theme Robin Hood and Maid Marian.
Fred: I gotta wear tights now?
Joy: I’m sure you’ve got the legs to pull it off.
Fred: This is it. I can’t take anymore.
Joy: Reverend, say something.
Reverend Boyce: I I don’t know. I’m worried about being Friar Tuck.
Fred: The wedding is off.
Joy: Fred! What am I gonna do? Elka’s gonna be furious!
Reverend Boyce: Well, I suggest you turn the other cheek. That way the bruises will match up.

Elka: I can’t believe it! I delegate one thing, and you screw it up! Where’s my hurling bouquet?
Joy: I’ll get it.
Victoria: Wait, what What’s this? It’s Fred’s jacket. He dropped it off.
Elka: Oh, Fred. I ruined everything!
Melanie: Elka, this never would’ve happened if we hadn’t talked you into having a big wedding.
Elka: No. I blew it! There’s no fool like an old fool!
Victoria: This is so sad. Do you think the wedding’s really off?
Joy: No. No, it is not off. I have put up with too much abuse, and foul language, and bouquet grenades to give up now. The problem is, Fred is only seeing the labor pains. We are gonna show him the baby.

Reverend Boyce: Ladies and gentlemen, we give you your wedding party!
Fred: That was very impressive, but
Joy: Wait, wait, wait. Before you say anything more, the reason we showed you this was so that you could see what a spectacular day Elka was trying to put together for you.
Melanie: I mean, look how much fun it’s gonna be. The aisle walk, that’s just the beginning.
Reverend Boyce: I don’t wanna ruin the moment here or anything, but are you about to explode?
Victoria: Oh, it’s the sweat from all the dancing. But I might need somebody to cut me out of this when we’re done.
Joy: Elka was just acting the way she was because she wants your special day to be perfect.
Elka: That’s not the reason!
Reverend Boyce: Who said that?
Elka: I did.
Fred: Elka?
Melanie: Elka, we didn’t know you were here.
Fred: So, Elka, what is the reason?
Elka: The first time I got married, I was 19. At that age, I didn’t even need a bouquet. I was the flower.
Fred: Well, Elka.
Revered Boyce: Go limp.
Elka: Then I started reading all those bridal magazines.
Melanie: Which was totally our fault.
Elka: They were all so young, as brides are supposed to be. As I was. I didn’t want you looking down the aisle and being disappointed.
Fred: Oh, Elka!
Elka: Oh, I thought all the hoopla would distract you. I was scared. I am scared.
Fred: But that’s just I have a feeling the next words I say are very important, and I don’t wanna mess it up. Can I have a little help, please?
Reverend Boyce: Look, Elka, you know, I marry young people all the time, but I worry about them. I even try to slow down on certain vows “For better or for worse,” “forsaking all others,” “in sickness and in health” Just hoping they really hear the words. But how can they? They’re living in a dream world. They’re young, and pretty, and nothing hurts yet. But you two, I don’t worry. Most people your age are alone. Oh, they have kids, and grandkids, and friends, but they don’t have that special someone to hold in their arms. So, Elka, when young Fred here looks down the aisle, will he see his beautiful, radiant bride, ready to have and to hold?
Elka: Oh, yes!
Fred: Uh, hey, what about me?
Elka: In a minute.

Reverend Boyde and the ladies performing: Now the whole world’s asleep but we’re still making plans ’cause once is not enough when a woman loves a man ooh-ooh, ooh bah-bah bah, bah-bah bah I wanna have sex with you
Joy: So what do you think?
Melanie: We can sing it at your reception!
Elka: Um, I think we’ll probably stick with Sinatra.
Reverend Boyce: Well, I have other songs I can
Fred: Go limp.

Hot in Cleveland S02, Ep20 – Indecent Proposals

Season: 2
Episode: 20
Title: Indecent Proposals
Original Date: August 17, 2011


Guest Stars:
Huey Lewis: Johnny Revere
Buck Henry: Fred
Bart Johnson: Mark
Shelli Boone: Lori


Synopsis: The ladies are at the bar discussing men. Elka is making lots of Sex and the City puns as Joy lent her the show on DVD. They all decided to have a booty call. Melanie calls up a man she just met, but it goes horribly awry because she is so indecisive. Joy calls back tattoo guy, but it turns out that he has had the name of every woman he’s been with tattooed on him and the creepy factor ruins it. Victoria and Johnny plan a tryst, but her nurse’s outfit gives him a heart attack. Elka and Fred are the only successful “booty call”. Elka decides she wants to propose to Fred. The ladies help Elka set up the back yard while Victoria is nursing Johnny back to health and going crazy at the same time. Fred arrives and while he is sitting on the well drinking a beer, Chance the dog knocks him into the well. Victoria calls a news crew, she hopes to go national. Johnny proposes to Victoria, who thinks he’s lost his mind. The firemen come and rescue Fred, who then proposes to Elka. She says yes.


Click on either link to grab the second season of the show, it’s a great way to support the ladies and have some serious laughs.

Amazon Hot in Cleveland: Season 2

iTunes Hot in Cleveland, Season 2 – Hot in Cleveland


Favorite Quotes:

* Joy: Isn’t it a little crass hoping for some huge catastrophe so you can make a few bucks pushing cosmetics?
Victoria: It’s called a silver lining, Joy.

* Elka: A man in the hand is worth two in the–
Joy: Seriously? That one doesn’t even make sense. I think sex without strings is possible. Of course not for me, I’m booty call cursed. I’ve had mothers walk in, I’ve had mirrors fall from ceilings revealing hidden cameras. I’ve had pet ferrets– Oh, God, my life.

* Elka: If the guy’s a cutie, you gotta tap that booty.
Joy: If the guy’s a hottie, you’ve got to be naughty.
Elka: When you say it, it just sounds crude.

* Joy: Oh, my booty call curse is still intact. At first when he said he might get a tattoo with my name on it, I was charmed. Then when he started to undress, he had the name of every woman he’s ever slept with tattooed on his body. I’m hoping sis is short for sissy.

* Johnny: Look at us. We spent our whole lives chasing after money and fame. And what’s it really gotten us?
Victoria: Money and fame.

* Melanie: How can a nurse’s outfit be so sexy it gives a man a heart attack?
Joy: Maybe it was just the shock of seeing Victoria dressed as a humanitarian.

* Elka: Oh, who am I kidding? I’m not a Samantha, I’m a Charlotte. I’m gonna propose.
Melanie: Wha–?

* Joy: That’s a lot of beer.
Elka: Well I want him to say yes.
Joy: Trust me, you don’t want a drunken yes to a marriage proposal. They just take it back in the morning, then you’re stuck for six more days on a seven day cruise. Oh, God, my life.

* Johnny: Seriously? You’ll marry me?
Victoria: You know, when Fred proposed to Elka, it just suddenly made sense to me. Romantic love is transitory, but love based on friendship and hot sex is eternal.


Transcript:

Melanie (voice over): Women, as any Sandra Bullock movie would attest, are hopeless romantics. Scratch the surface of the toughest Type-A female and you’ll find a little girl still waiting for Prince Charming to appear with a glass Prada pump. Or at least a glass filled with vodka and vermouth.
Melanie: Oh, I love romancing.
Joy: Look at her smile. She’s already imbuing him with all kinds of wonderful qualities he doesn’t really have. Think she’ll take him home?
Elka: In for a penny, in for a pounding.
Melanie: Elka!
Joy: I loaned her my Sex and the City DVDs. Might have been a mistake.
Elka: I’m a Samantha.
Victoria: May we please get back to the topic at hand? Which was me. Here’s to the newest spokes model for Tre Jolie Cosmetics. Finally my lifelong dream has come true.
Melanie: Spokes modeling is your dream?
Victoria: Yes, because it tells the world I’m pretty because I’m a model, but I’m also smart because there’s spoke-ing involved. Plus I get $1,000 every time I mention Tres Jolie Cosmetics on my show. And $10,000 if the story is sensational enough to go national.
Joy: Isn’t it a little crass hoping for some huge catastrophe so you can make a few bucks pushing cosmetics?
Victoria: It’s called a silver lining, Joy. Oh, more good news for me. It’s Johnny. Oh, he’s touring and he wants to know if I’m up for a booty call.
Elka: Sounds like somebody’s gonna get stuck between a rock star and a hard place.
Joy: Will you stop doing that?
Melanie: I think you secretly have a thing for Johnny. I mean, a woman can’t have sex with a guy without forming some sort of an attachment, right?
Melanie (voice over): They looked at me like I’d suggested we all say our real weights out loud. Which got me thinking. Was I really so off-base? I mean, can women have sex with no strings attached?
Victoria: Well of course we can.
Elka: A man in the hand is worth two in the–
Joy: Seriously? That one doesn’t even make sense. I think sex without strings is possible. Of course not for me, I’m booty call cursed. I’ve had mothers walk in, I’ve had mirrors fall from ceilings revealing hidden cameras. I’ve had pet ferrets– Oh, God, my life.
Melanie: You know, this no-strings thing, I think it would make a great topic for my Women’s Day column. Actually, I met this cute divorced guy who’s in town for a couple of days on business, do you think I should call him?
Elka: Well, why not?
Victoria: Absolutely.
Joy: And I’m gonna call that cute guy I met with the tattoos. Curses are meant to be broken, right?
Elka: And I’m gonna call Fred.
Victoria: Fred? You mean that nerdy guy you play cards with every Sunday?
Elka: For the past 20 years.
Melanie: But I thought you guys were just friends.
Elka: If the guy’s a cutie, you gotta tap that booty.
Joy: If the guy’s a hottie, you’ve got to be naughty.
Elka: When you say it, it just sounds crude.

Melanie (voice over): The next night, in the spirit of research, I was finishing dinner with my cute out-of-towner when I decided to make my play.
Melanie’s Date: Any recommendations for dessert?
Melanie: How about whipped cream, and me?
Melanie’s Dates: Check! Uh, check. You know, I’m just gonna leave my credit card and get it tomorrow. Shall we?
Melanie: Okay. No, wait, that sounded cheap. You know, if it were real whipped cream, not from a can, that would be classier. You see, I’m trying to have sex with no strings.
Melanie’s Date: And I support you.
Melanie: Great, so let’s go. No wait, I can’t. But shouldn’t I try? Right, so let’s go. Melanie’s Date: Okay.
Melanie: No, wait, I can’t. But I said I would try. But I have kids. But they’re not here, so how would they know? Because I’m writing about it. But they might read it. Why would they read it? Why would they read Women’s Day? Well, my daughter might read it. I should just order dessert.

Melanie: At some point he just left, I didn’t even notice. So what happened with tattoo guy?
Joy: Oh, my booty call curse is still intact. At first when he said he might get a tattoo with my name on it, I was charmed. Then when he started to undress, he had the name of every woman he’s ever slept with tattooed on his body. I’m hoping sis is short for sissy.

Melanie (voice over): While Joy and I had clearly failed at “wham, bam, thank you, man.” Back at the house, Victoria was about to rock rock star Johnny Revere’s world.
Victoria: Did someone call for 10 cc’s of me?
Johnny: Oh, God. Call 911.
Victoria: Wow. Way to commit to a bit.
Johnny: No, really. I’m dyin’.
Victoria: Oh, boy.

Melanie (voice over): After a night in the emergency room, Victoria found her bad boy with benefits had become a burden on bed rest.
Johnny: I can’t believe this happened to me. I mean, I’m virile, I’m tough. Could you fluff my pillow for me?
Victoria: Aw, don’t worry. You’ll feel better. Once you’ve given me an exclusive celebrity interview for my show “Oh, hi, Ohio.”
Johnny: I can’t go public. A heart attack with no heroin involved is a career killer.
Victoria: You can say you OD’d. It doesn’t have to be true, we never check.
Johnny: No. No, let the media jackals feed on my carcass after I’m dead. They did it to Morrison, they did it to Hendrix, why should I be any different?
Victoria: But you are different. Those guys all died when they were young.
Johnny: You’re right. Look at me. I’m too old to die young.
Victoria: Johnny. I know that the doctor said that mood swings were normal after a heart attack, but if you cry, you’ll smear your eye liner.
Johnny: Eye liner?
Victoria: Yes. “Smoky Sable”, new from Tre Jolie. I gave you a little touch-up while you were napping. And if you let me mention it on TV I get $10,000.
Johnny: Victoria, this heart attack has opened my eyes.
Victoria: Yes, and now the eye liner is bringing them out, so why not share that with a national audience?
Johnny: Look at us. We spent our whole lives chasing after money and fame. And what’s it really gotten us?
Victoria: Money and fame.

Melanie: How can a nurse’s outfit be so sexy it gives a man a heart attack?
Joy: Maybe it was just the shock of seeing Victoria dressed as a humanitarian.
Elka: Aw. “Thanks for last night, fried.”
Melanie: Fried?
Elka: Fred’s phone auto-corrected. I taught him to text last night. After we played cards.
Melanie: I cannot believe that you’re the only one whose booty call got answered.
Joy: So how was the game?
Elka: Fred had very good hands. I didn’t have to bluff once.
(knock on door)
Joy: Hello, Fred.
Fred: Morning, Joy. I’m looking for Elka. I was gonna call, to find out if you got my text. But then I thought, calling is so old-fashioned. I’ll just drop by.
Elka: Oh, I’m glad you did.
Fred: You know, last night’s, uh, card game was the best I ever had.
Elka: Next time I’ll show you how to double down.
Fred: (gasps) I don’t know what that means, but I tremble at the thought. Joy, Melanie, good day.
Joy: Bye, Fred.
Melanie: Bye-bye.
Fred: I hope we’ll play cards soon again.
Elka: Oh, me too.
Victoria: Ugh. This is insufferable. The heart of rock n’ roll is still beating, but the rest of him is a quivering mass of neediness.
Melanie: Poor Johnny.
Victoria: Oh, he’ll be fine. No, it’s really the caretakers who suffer.
Elka: I miss having someone to take care of. Like Fred. Taking care of him would be a pleasure.
Melanie: Wow, is it serious with Fred?
Elka: Well it’s not the white hot passion it was with Max, but we’re very compatible.
Joy: Good hands.
Victoria: Mm.
Elka: He’s sweet and funny, and we both prefer animals over people.
Melanie: Sounds like maybe you guys have a future.
Elka: Oh, who am I kidding? I’m not a Samantha, I’m a Charlotte. I’m gonna propose.
Melanie: Wha–?
Johnny: Victoria? Can I have some chocolate milk? With a bendy straw, please?

Melanie (voice over): Having decided to go above and beyond the call of booty, Elka enlisted our help in setting the scene for her proposal.
Joy: So what else do we need to set the mood? I don’t know what you and Fred are into.
Elka: Rawhide and a tennis ball. For the dog.
Johnny (singing): A pretty lady lays a lunch to ask her true love to marry her it truly is a magic brunch that brings two hearts together.
Victoria: Johnny sweetie, um, you know when I said that getting back to work could maybe help you heal? What I meant was writing the kinds of songs that you used to write. You know, about sex and drugs and never staying in one place for too long?
Johnny: Now I see that sex and drugs are just a lonely path to self-destruction.
Victoria: Yes but it’s the path people like to dance to. I mean, Elka doesn’t even need a song, she’s not madly in love with Fred. They’re just two dear old friends who make each other happy and have fun in the sack, so why not get married?
Johnny: Wow! You know, ever since my first single went platinum, I’ve just used women and kicked them to the curb. It’s been a happy life. But something’s missing. And it’s that something that keeps drawing me back to you.
(Johnny kneels)
Melanie:: Oh, my God, is it your heart again?
Victoria: What are you doing?
Johnny: You saved my life. And now I need you to make it worth living. Victoria Chase, will you marry me?

Joy: That’s a lot of beer.
Elka: Well I want him to say yes.
Joy: Trust me, you don’t want a drunken yes to a marriage proposal. They just take it back in the morning, then you’re stuck for six more days on a seven day cruise. Oh, God, my life.
Melanie: Whoa! You guys, Johnny just proposed to Victoria!
Joy: What did she say?

Victoria: This had better be an acid flashback, because I’ve just about had it with you, mister!
Elka: Oh, no, what if Fred turns me down too. Maybe I should call this off.
Joy: Too late.
Fred: Hi, ladies.
Melanie: Hi.
Fred: Oh, wow, some spread. Mm.
Elka: Would you like a St. Pauli Girl?
Fred: I’d prefer a Cleveland cupcake.
Elka: I’m good.

Joy: Melanie just told me Johnny proposed.
Victoria: Ugh, one little brush with death and he goes all Josh Groban on me.
Melanie: Did you pop the question?
Elka: Oh, not yet. Oh, girls, you’ve gotta help me, I’m choking out there.
Melanie: Don’t be afraid. Sometimes you just gotta take a leap.

Melanie (voice over): Sadly for Fred, out in the back yard chance was about to do just that.
Elka: You’re right, I can do this.
Fred: Whoooooaaa!
Melanie: Did you guys hear something? What’s wrong, chance?
Victoria: What is it, boy?
Elka: Fred’s fallen in the well.
Joy: It’s Chance, not Lassie.
Elka: No, you dope, Fred just texted me. He’s okay but he’s stuck and he can’t get out.
Melanie: Oh my God.
Joy: Call the Fire Department. Tell them it’s a deep well but it’s dry.
Victoria: I’m on it. Hello, newsroom? I need a camera crew. I gotta talk fast ’cause I need to call 911. This is gonna be big, could go national. Cha-ching!

Melanie (voice over): Much to Victoria’s chagrin, “Ohio man trapped in a well,” didn’t go national. “Twin baby Pandas” were hogging the country’s attention at the San Diego Zoo. Oh, my God, they’re so cute! Anyway, ever resilient, Victoria dug up an old photo of Fred to goose the human interest angle.
Victoria: The tension here at well-side is palpable. As we wait, hoping the fire department will arrive in time to rescue Santa Claus from almost certain death.
Elka: Fred’s fine.
Victoria: Ah, this is Elka Ostrovsky, Santa’s anguished sweetheart. Now luckily she’s wearing Tres Jolie waterproof mascara, so no runny black streaks in the tracks of her tears.
Elka: No, I’m not.
Victoria: I’ll be back with more live coverage of “Christmas in danger: Santa trapped in a well” Oh, this is a disaster. Those little show-off pandas are ruining everything.
Elka: Well, Americans love animals. Thank goodness Chance didn’t fall in the well too!
Victoria: Elka, where do we keep our dog treats?

Victoria: Tragedy has struck a second time here at the well. In a Valiant attempt to rescue Santa Claus, this adorable pup, shown here dressed as a sheep to go trick or treating for UNICEF, threw himself into the abyss. Wait–I’m just getting word. We’ve gone national! Oh, this is great! And also tragic.
Joy: Have the firemen arrived yet?
Melanie: They haven’t come and gone, have they?
Johnny: No, Fred’s still trapped. Victoria’s pretending the dog’s down in the well too so she can go national.
Melanie: Gotta love her.
Johnny: Even if she doesn’t love you back.
Melanie: Oh, Johnny, I’m sorry, honey.
Joy: Yes, love sucks. I don’t know why people bother, really.
Melanie and Joy: Firemen are here!
Joy: How’s my hair?
Melanie: Oh, gorgeous, gorgeous. My make-up?
Joy: Glowy.
Melanie: Good, good.

Victoria: Firemen are working feverishly to extract Santa and his hero dog from the dank and humidity which without Tres Jolie hair spray, can really do a number on your hair.
Elka: This is all my fault, I wish I had never thought of proposing.
Melanie: Oh, Elka, Fred will be fine. The firemen will get him out any minute.
Joy: They’ve obviously got very impressive equipment.
Melanie: Not the time for Sex and the City puns, Joy.
Elka: No, she means that big harness, they’ll get him out.
Joy: Actually I was making a sex pun to cut the tension, but yay!
Victoria: It’s a tense moment, America, as they slowly lower the rescue harness down into the well.
Johnny: Isn’t she beautiful? And aren’t we all trapped in wells of our own making?
Victoria; And yes, yes, they’re lifting him out. Much like the lift one gets from Tres Jolie’s firming face cream.
Johnny: That’s my cue to let you out, dude.
Elka: Oh, Fred, are you sure you’re okay?
Fred: I’m fine.
Elka: Oh.
Fred: Except it was kind of hard to hear “think fast” when you tossed down the beer.
Victoria: Oh, what a joyous moment. Christmas has been saved! Oh, my God, what’s that? Here. Here, back to me, back to me. Well, it’s a Tres Jolie miracle, America’s hero pup has been rescued too. This is Victoria Chase, join me tomorrow when I do some hard-hitting comparison shopping for a new Jaguar convertible.
Elka: I’m sorry, Fred.
Fred: Actually Elka, being stuck in a well a man has time to think. What I thought about mostly was how lonely I’ve been. That and whether the bones down there were human. But what I’m trying to say is, I’m not lonely when I’m with you. I feel warm and comfortable.
Elka: Oh, me too. We’re like two cozy slippers.
Fred: Then shouldn’t those two cozy slippers be together under the same bed permanently?
Elka: Are you asking me to marry you?
Fred: If you’ll have me. Well, of course, I was gonna ask you!

Melanie (voice over): In that magical moment, everyone connected to their inner Charlotte. Yes, we could have booty calls, but what we wanted was a truly loving relationship with lots of strings. And in spite of her protest to the contrary, Victoria was feeling it too.
Johnny: Seriously? You’ll marry me?
Victoria: You know, when Fred proposed to Elka, it just suddenly made sense to me. Romantic love is transitory, but love based on friendship and hot sex is eternal.
Johnny: How about we quit this fast lane, and get a ranch in Montana?
Victoria: Oh, no stress, no agents, just dogs and horses and evenings out under the stars. Oh, I can picture it already.
Johnny: It sure gets cold up there.
Victoria: And I do loathe the outdoors. But what about Manhattan? We could get a loft in Soho, or noho, or whatever ho is fashionable now.
Johnny: Or maybe L.A. I mean, I’m not gonna quit the music business altogether.
Victoria: Well, my friends and my show are here in Cleveland, so, well, we’ll just have to commute. You know, we’ll see each other whenever we start missing each other.
Johnny: Right, like we do now.
Victoria: Exactly.
Johnny: Wow, I guess we already have the perfect relationship.
Victoria: Yeah. I guess we do. But maybe someday, you know, when we’re older, and our agents have turned their back on us–
Johnny: Even when we’re nobodies, you’ll always be somebody to me.
Victoria: Hey, you know, I still have that nurse’s uniform upstairs.
Johnny: You think my heart can handle it?
Victoria: You know a better way to go out?
Melanie (voice over): And so, a booty call that started with a whimper, ended with a bang. And just a few loose strings. Because all the romantic comedies got it right. The best happy endings, are the ones we build to last. Although nothing says we can’t have a little fun while we wait.

Hot in Cleveland S02, Ep18 – Arch Enemies

Season: 2
Episode: 18
Title: Arch Enemies
Original Air Date: August 3, 2011


Guest Stars:
George Newbern: Bill
James Patrick Stewart: Colin
Alicia Hannah: Devon


Synopsis: Victoria’s coworker Colin is a practical joker. Victoria enlists Joy’s help to make him pay. Melanie starts dating “dead wife guy” and discovers he imports Italian shoes, but he’s also a shrimper. Joy and Colin hit if off and have a fabulous love affair for 8 days. However, neither can hide their true selves and they confess. They conclude their affair on the couch in his office. Joy’s final revenge on Colin: she switched his shampoo with something more potent and he is now bald.


Click on either link to grab the second season of the show, it’s a great way to support the ladies and have some serious laughs.

Amazon Hot in Cleveland: Season 2

iTunes Hot in Cleveland, Season 2 – Hot in Cleveland


Favorite Quotes:

* Joy: Your the most trusted face in Cleveland Broadcasting.
Colin: It’s the rest of me you gotta worry about.

* Joy: Mind if I perch?
Colin: A lovely bird should perch.

* Joy: I like being cool Joy.

* Victoria: A shrimper. A guy who likes feet. Well, actually toes to be exact.
Joy: Because toes look just like baby shrimp, ergo shrimper.

* Melanie: You really seem to be having a good time with this guy. Are sure you’re not falling for him?
Joy: Of course not. I would never fall for him. That would ruin everything.
Victoria: You’re a good friend, Joy.
Joy: I’ve fallen for him. I’ve ruined everything!

* Melanie: Break out the cocktail sauce, I’m dating a shrimper.
Joy: Really? You gonna keep him or throw him back?

* Melanie: You know, to prolong his agony, maybe you should let Joy string him along for a while.
Joy: Yes! Like after Christmas in London with my family. That’ll really get him.

* Joy: Oh, no, a second chime! You’ve got to go now!
Colin: You gonna turn into a pumpkin or something?

* Victoria: That’s right, Joy. I mean, if someone as uptight as Melanie can date a pervert, then surely there’s hope for you.

* Joy: So our fake selves are compatible, but our real selves wouldn’t stand a chance. Insane jealousy does not pair well with serial womanizer.
Colin: Not in my experience, no.


Transcript:

Victoria: And you know, Colin, I was surprised to find out how many Ohioans are making cheese on their own backyards. And who knew cheese came from an animal?
Colin: Uh, everybody. And for those of you who like wine with your cheese, and I know you do, Victoria, tonight’s tech report reviews a groundbreaking new app that actually lets you taste and smell things right on your computer. For example, this 1964 Lafite. Oh, that is fantastic. Victoria, smell the bouquet.
Victoria: I don’t smell anything.
Colin: Really? Oh, they did say senior citizens might not be able to smell it–
Victoria: Wait, wait, wait, wait! Ah, yes, yes. No, I–I smell it now. I smell it big time.
Colin: And the most amazing feature is if you lick the screen, you can actually taste the wine. It’s remarkable.
Victoria: Mmm. Oh it’s a bit tannic. But, um, very bold finish.
Colin: Gotcha! Oh, the fun we have here at Channel Seven.
Victoria: Oh, we certainly do. Lots of fun.
Colin: But what isn’t fun is that there is something in your house right now that may be killing you and your children. Stay tuned right after these words.

Victoria: I mean, Colin pulls these pranks all the time. This is just the first time he’s had the nerve to do it on the air.
Joy: So what did you say to him?
Victoria: Oh, I went ballistic, of course. And then he said what he always says. “Oh, get over it!”
Joy: Ew! I hate when men say things like that. “Get over it” or “just relax” or “how did you get into my apartment without a key?”
Victoria: Anyway, this time I don’t want to get over it. I want to get even.
Joy: Well, you’ve come to the right place. What’s his horse’s head?
Victoria: Excuse me?
Joy: His weakness. You know, like in The Godfather, where the guy wakes up with his horse’s head in the bed. Good one that.
Victoria: Oh, yeah. Well, Colin considers himself Cleveland’s premier ladies man. You know, he pumps them up and then sleeps with them and dumps them and brags about it in the newsroom. Hmm.
Joy: Has he ever been dumped?
Victoria: No, no, he prides himself on that.
Joy: Then that’s what we’ll do. I’ll seduce him, lead him on, then dump him in one of the hideously embarrassing ways men have always dumped me. It’s about time I gave a man a taste of his own medicine. Like that pharmacist I dated. Only I didn’t know he’d have that reaction to his own medicine. Anyway, this will be fun.
Victoria: And I won’t micro-manage your method. You know, just be sure that I am there when you do it, so I can pop out and sneer, “oh, get over it!”
Melanie: You’ll never believe who I ran into. Dead wife guy.
Joy: You mean the guy who almost threw up when he saw you because you look like his dead wife?
Melanie: Yes. Dead wife guy. We had a beautiful conversation. He asked me out. And get this–he imports Italian Designer Shoes.
Joy: Get out!
Melanie: Yes, I got myself a number three on the perfect husband list.
Joy: I thought number three was a plastic surgeon who looks just like George Clooney.
Victoria: No, no, no, no, no. It goes island owner, plastic surgeon who looks like George Clooney, importer of designer shoes, plastic surgeon who doesn’t look like George Clooney, and any childless billionaire who (all three) just needs a companion for the last two weeks of his life.
(tablet rings)
Melanie: Ooo! That must be Elka. She’s skyping in from Europe.
Elka: Bonjour!
All: Bonjour.
Elka: You know, the food here in Paris is delicious. Victoria, you would love this chocolate croissant. Here, have a lick.

Joy: Oh! I’m sorry. I must have the wrong office.
Colin: Or the right one.
Joy: What’s your handicap?
Colin: Beautiful brunettes with killer smiles.
Joy: Wait! You’re Colin Cooper.
Colin: Yes, I get that quite a lot, being Colin Cooper and all.
Joy: Your the most trusted face in Cleveland Broadcasting.
Colin: It’s the rest of me you gotta worry about.
Joy: I’m Joy. Joy Scroggs. Big fan.
Colin: Well, thank you.
Joy: Mind if I perch?
Colin: A lovely bird should perch.
Joy: It’s such a pleasure to hear someone speak without an accent.
Colin: Well, then I know just where to take you for lunch. There’s a brand-new pub down on prospect. Feels just like home. Pints of lager, steak and kidney pie, plates of mushy peas.
Joy: Mmm! Mushy peas.
Colin: Let me just run down to the set and grab my jacket and we’ll head off, eh?
Joy: Lovely. Sss!
Victoria: Joy? Where did he go?
Joy: Oh, relax. He just went to get his jacket. It is going splendidly.
Victoria: Heh!
Joy: There’s something freeing about hitting on a man I know I’m gonna break up with. You know me, if I were really into this guy, I’d be nervous, self-conscious, obsessive.
Victoria: Clingy, unbalanced, insecure. What? You started it.
Joy: I like being cool Joy. I mean, there could be a naked woman hiding in that closet right now and I could not care less.
Victoria: Oh, come on! Now what woman in this day and age would hide in a closet?
Colin: I’ve got a lunch. I’ll be back in an hour.
Victoria: Yes, I am aware of the irony.
Colin: Shall we?
Joy: Let’s. Me first.

Bill: You know, Gucci is about to unveil a new shoe. A six-inch heel that also tones your thighs.
Melanie: Oh! Say that again only slower.
Bill: I can get you a sample.
Melanie: Oh! I’m a 6-1/2!
Bill: Oh. Perfect sample size. You about ready to order dessert?
Melanie: Oh, uh, let’s see –
Bill: Excuse me.
Melanie: I had bread, two glasses of wine and pasta. So I need to find something chocolaty that’s negative 300 calories. Is everything okay down there?
Bill: Oh, all good.
Melanie: Oh.
Bill: Ah, I’m really glad you decided to go out with me again, Melanie. You really are the perfect package. From the top of your pretty head all the way down to your super sexy toe cleavage.

Melanie: I think dead wife guy might be into feet. Well, not all feet. My feet. He likes my feet.
Victoria: Oh, so he’s a shrimper.
Melanie: A what?
Victoria: A shrimper. A guy who likes feet. Well, actually toes to be exact.
Joy: Because toes look just like baby shrimp, ergo shrimper.
Melanie: Hmm. Well, when you put it that way, you know, it’s kinda cute. And maybe I’m wrong. I mean, all he did was notice that I have attractive feet.
Joy: Melanie, men don’t notice feet unless they’re into feet.
Victoria: Yeah, they barely notice faces.
(cell phone beeps)
(Joy laughs)
Melanie: What’s so funny?
Joy: Oh, it’s from Colin. Private joke about the welsh.
Victoria: You already have private jokes? Oh! That is so delicious. He is never going to see it coming. Ah! I am going to sleep like a baby tonight.
Melanie: You really seem to be having a good time with this guy. Are sure you’re not falling for him?
Joy: Of course not. I would never fall for him. That would ruin everything.
Victoria: You’re a good friend, Joy.
Joy: I’ve fallen for him. I’ve ruined everything!
Melanie: How could you be crazy about him already? It was just one lunch.
Joy: A three-hour lunch where we never stopped laughing or talking or finishing each other’s sentences. I mean, sure, he’s pompous and smarmy and arrogant. And in an uglier man, that would be unattractive. But you know me. Good-looking bad boy. That’s my horse’s head.

Victoria: You booby-trapped the doughnut box to make me storm in here looking ridiculous. Well, it didn’t work.
Colin: Oh, come on, Victoria, you can’t possibly think I meant that for you. You’re the one whose always saying, “I never eat sweets. I’ve got willpower.”
Victoria: Yeah, well I was having a low blood sugar moment.
Colin: Well, listen, if you’re still a bit peckish, have a three musketeers bar. My treat.
Victoria: Thank you.
Colin: Gotcha!
Victoria: Oh, you juvenile, pathetic –
Colin: Oh, get over it! Colin Cooper. Oh, hi Phil! Yeah, I can’t make the poker game tonight. I’ve got a date. Well, that’s just it, mate. I would rather spend poker night with Joy ’cause I could see this really turning into something serious. Oh, so I’m a woman because now I care about someone. Well, you’re the woman! No, just don’t tell the other guys. Just say I’m sick or something.

Melanie: Are you okay? You seem a little nervous.
Bill: No, it’s just that I got you something, and I just hope it’s not too soon.
Melanie: Oh, Bill. It’s a ring box.
Bill: It most certainly is. It’s a toe ring.
Melanie: It most certainly is.
Bill: May I?
Melanie: Yes.
People in Restaurant: Ew! Ugh!

Melanie: Break out the cocktail sauce, I’m dating a shrimper.
Joy: Really? You gonna keep him or throw him back?
Melanie: Keep him, I think. I mean, that’s why I moved to Cleveland. To try new things, right? I mean, how bad could it be to have a guy worship your feet?
Joy: Wouldn’t know. Never had a man travel that far South. Most just make a quick stop at the Equator, empty my fridge, and peel out of the driveway.
Victoria: Ladies, I have fabulous news!
Melanie: You started playing paintball?
Victoria: Oh, no, no, it’s just another one of Colin’s pranks. Which makes my fabulous news even more enjoyable. I overheard Colin on the phone. Joy, he is genuinely crazy about you.
Joy: Really? Are you sure?
Victoria: Not only are you going to destroy his ego, but you are going to break the heart of a man who truly thinks you have a future together.
Melanie: You know, to prolong his agony, maybe you should let Joy string him along for a while.
Joy: Yes! Like after Christmas in London with my family. That’ll really get him.
Victoria: No, no! What are you talking about? Now I had this all planned. No, you were going to dump him on the porch tonight. And while he’s reeling in shock, you’ll ring the wind chimes, and that’ll be my signal to come out and gloat.
Melanie: Oh, so now you like the wind chimes. When I bought them at the renaissance fair, you said they were stupid.
Victoria: Yeah, well they are stupid, and so is the renaissance fair.
Melanie: Oh, yeah? Well that’s just because you weren’t selected to be wench of the joust.
Victoria: Maybe. Anyway, the important thing is Colin will never be able to look at Joy again without disgust and heartbreak. Oh! It’s just so beautiful.

Joy: Colin, stop! I don’t think we should–
Colin: Should what?
Joy: Stop kissing. That wind chime noise was caused by the wind!
Colin: Isn’t that usually the case with wind chimes?
Joy: Oh, no, a second chime! You’ve got to go now!
Colin: You gonna turn into a pumpkin or something?
Joy: I’ll explain everything tomorrow. Just go! Text me!
Victoria: Oh, get over it– wait, where did he go? I heard wind chimes.
Joy: I didn’t break up with him. There’s just this thing between us. I can’t explain it. You know the thing you can’t explain.
Melanie: You know the thing.
Victoria: Yeah, we all know the thing. We’ve all done stupid things for the thing. And if you think that this thing is going to turn into a bigger thing, then well I won’t stand in your way. I’ll just have to get back at Colin some other way.
Joy: Thank you, Victoria.
Victoria: All right.
Joy: It’s from Colin. “Lunch tomorrow, baby?” That’s what he calls me. “Baby.”
Victoria: Ah.
Joy: Oh, God, what term of endearment should I write back? Honey? Sounds like we’re old marrieds. Ducky? Who am I, Benny Hill? Oh, God! It’s happening! I was cool Joy when I knew it was going to end, but now that I care, I’m nervous and insecure.
Melanie: No, no, fight it. You can be cool Joy again. Just like I’m cool Melanie dating a shrimper. Me!
Victoria: That’s right, Joy. I mean, if someone as uptight as Melanie can date a pervert, then surely there’s hope for you.

Bill: You are crazy. You’re much prettier than Keira Knightly.
Melanie: Oh, please. Tell me more. And support your argument.
Bill: You seen her feet? She’s a two-socker.
Melanie: You know, bill, I’m getting a sense of what you’re into, and if I’m right, I am willing to dip my toe in the water.
Bill: Really?
Melanie: It’s all new to me, but I’m cool. I’m cool Melanie trying new things.
Bill: Well, fantastic! Well, then would you be up for a little role playing?
Melanie: Role playing?
Bill: Yeah, with– hang your feet off the edge of the chair there. Like they’re sticking out of the window of a parked car, and I’ll be the officer passing by. Excuse me, ma’am. I couldn’t help noticing your feet.
Melanie: Oh, sorry. I was just airing them out.
Bill: Well, I’m afraid I’m gonna have to arrest you for a dui. Deliciously unforgettable instep.
Melanie: Oh, officer, couldn’t you just let me off with a warning?
Bill: Well, there’s also the issue of indecent exposure. But I could give you something to slip on.
Melanie: Shoe sample?
Bill: This one’s for you cause you’re a good girl. And this one’s for you cause you’re bad girl.
Melanie: You know what?

Joy: Hi! Ready for lunch.
Colin: Oy, you look ravishing.
Joy: Thank you.
Colin: Hey, does this sound scary enough for the 11:00 news program? “There’s a flesh-eating virus that may be lurking in something you and your children eat every day.”
Joy: Oh, my God, is there?
Colin: No, that’s why I legally have to say may be.
Devon: Oh, excuse me, Mr. Cooper? They need you in editing for a second, and this came for you.
Colin: Thanks, Devon.
Joy: Devon. It’s a pretty name. Pretty girl.
Colin: Yeah, I suppose so.
Joy: Who’s the gift from? Probably just a fan.
Joy: Hmm. A fan named “love ya, Jennifer.” Who’s “love ya, Jennifer”?
Colin: I haven’t a clue. I’ll make this as quick as I can, baby.
Joy: Cool Joy. Cool Joy. Cool Joy. Oh, screw it! Aah!
Victoria: Gotcha!
Joy: Victoria, you did this?
Victoria: Joy, that was meant for Colin. Why did you open it?
Joy: It was taunting me. I could hear it saying, “I’m from Jennifer! “I’m 22! I have big breasts. Colin and I laugh about you when we’re having great sex!”
Victoria: All right, now I’m confused. Are you the box or are you Jennifer?
Joy: He’s coming back! Hide in your closet.
Victoria: It is not my closet!
Joy: Just hide! So, you’re ready to go?
Colin: What happened to you?
Joy: I opened the box.
Colin: Victoria. I’m sorry. That must have been a practical joke meant for me. But, darling, why did you open it?
Joy: Because I get crazy jealous when I care about a man. Also crazy paranoid. Oh, and crazy insecure. But for what it’s worth, I’ve been trying to fight it. But it’s hard. I just want to be honest with you.
Colin: Then I’ll be honest with you. I’ve been fighting my true nature as well. I’ve been faithful to you since we’ve met. And it’s killing me.
Joy: We met eight days ago.
Colin: I know. It’s a personal best.
Joy: So our fake selves are compatible, but our real selves wouldn’t stand a chance. Insane jealousy does not pair well with serial womanizer.
Colin: Not in my experience, no.
Joy: On the other hand, my real safe and my fake self are incredibly attracted to you.
Colin: Please tell me at least one of them is about to get naked. Well, it has been eight days.
Joy: Wait! What about my green face?
Colin: What green face?
Joy: Men really don’t notice faces, do they?
Colin: I should warn you. I normally break up with a woman once I sleep with her.
Joy: And I should warn you. Something will be missing from your office tomorrow, or broken off your car.
Colin: Fine!
Joy: Fine!
Colin: Victoria? What the–
Victoria: Oh, get over it!

Victoria: Coming up next. Is there something in your house that’s causing you and your children to go bald? The answer may surprise you. Isn’t that right, Colin?
Colin: Sure surprised me.
Victoria: Heh!

Melanie: How did you–
Joy: I switched out his shampoo for something a little more potent. I did it for me and Victoria and all the other women he’s dumped. Although I must say, he looks rather good bald, doesn’t he? A lot of women find that look attractive. Me for instance. Oh, great, now he’s going to have even more women, and there’s no chance we’ll ever get back together again. I know! I’ll pin this on Victoria. That way he’ll need me to get back at her. I’ll make it up to Victoria somehow. It will all be fine in the end.
Melanie: Good night, Joy.
Joy: Oh, good night, Melanie. Melanie. The only problem with this plan is Melanie. She knows too much.

Hot in Cleveland S02, Ep17 – The Emmy Show

Season: 2
Episode: 17
Title: The Emmy Show
Original Air Date: July 27, 2011


Guest Stars:
Jennifer Love Hewitt: Emmy Chase
Mason Cook: Austin
Heather Prete: Eileen
Dean Cochran: Sam


Synopsis: Joy discovers a post on ispiedyoucleveland.com that she thinks is about her, but Melanie disagrees saying its about her. They message the poster back for more detail. Victoria announces that her daughter, Emmy, is coming to visit and then freaks out when Elka informs her that Emmy has written a tell all book. Victoria comes up with scheme to have Elka play Emmy’s old Nanny to put an end to it. Joy and Melanie go to Stormi’s to meet the admirer. However, it turns out its a little boy who’s invited 3 ladies and is doing a mini bachelor scheme. The ladies opt to leave until they see a photo of the dad, then they stay. Emmy’s book is being turned into a movie and mother and daughter will be staring in it. Back at the bar, Austin is about to eliminate one of the three ladies when his dad walks in. He explains he’s married and apologizes. At the house, Emmy joins the ladies on the porch to discuss the movie. Emmy receives a message that she has another job. Victoria goes with her to help her pack, while Joy and Melanie still squabble over who would have gotten a rose.


Click on either link to grab the second season of the show, it’s a great way to support the ladies and have some serious laughs.

Amazon Hot in Cleveland: Season 2

iTunes Hot in Cleveland, Season 2 – Hot in Cleveland


Favorite Quotes:

* Victoria: I named her Emmy because I figured one way or another, I was gonna bring one home.
Melanie: Speaking of which, how are Tony and Oscar?

* Victoria: No, I am gonna just shower her with kindness until she feels so bad she kills it. Guilt, denial, emotional extortion. Oh, who says I don’t know how to mother?

* Joy: Wouldn’t it have been easier just to bake the cookies?
Victoria: I don’t take shortcuts, Joy.

* Joy: You’re just trying to get me out of the competition.
Melanie: No, no, no, I’m just staying because I think it might make a really great article for my Woman’s Day column.
Joy: You have got to stop justifying everything with that bloody column. Last night you had a second piece of cheesecake because you said it would make a good article.

* Victoria: Well, you were never really allergic to pizza.
Emmy: Well, I wish I would have known that when I played a pizza maker’s daughter in the Telemundo original movie, Her Father Makes The Pizza.


Transcript:

Joy: Hey! Someone posted about me on ISpiedYouCleveland. com.
Melanie: Oh! You have a secret admirer?
Joy: Yeah, listen do this “I spied you in Lakewood Park yesterday, gorgeous brunette with amazing smile. With a delicate purposeful flick of your finger, you tossed away strands of hair behind you ear and melted my heart.”
Melanie: Aw. Hey, I was with you at the park.
Joy: So?
Melanie: So I could be the gorgeous brunette.
Joy: Well I suppose you could be, but
Melanie: But what?
Joy: Well, he wrote, “amazing smile.”
Melanie: But you never smile.
Joy: That’s what makes it so amazing.
Melanie: Okay, then how do you explain the line about the hair tuck? That’s my signature move.
Joy: All right. To humor you, let’s write him back for some more details.
Melanie: Yes, let’s.
Victoria: Gather round, people. I have a major announcement. My daughter Emmy is coming to visit.
Joy: Oh, that’s great.
Melanie: Oh, I haven’t seen Emmy in so long. Well, how old is she now? Let’s see, she was born four years before Will, so she’s what, 26?
Victoria: That sounds right. Oh, no, I remember, because she was born the same year I received my first Emmy nomination for Edge of Tomorrow. Yeah, I named her Emmy because I figured one way or another, I was gonna bring one home.
Melanie: Speaking of which, how are Tony and Oscar?
Victoria: Well, it was an honor just to give birth to them. I just wish that I knew why Emmy was coming. She’s always up to something.
Melanie: Well, what’d she say on the phone?
Victoria: That the Brazilian telenovela she starred in got canceled.
Joy: Noooo. They canceled Too Poor to Dream?
Melanie: Well, I’ll bet Emmy’s coming because her show was canceled. And your show was canceled. So she’s just looking for some sympathy, and her mother’s love.
Elka: Fat chance. I just read on TMZ she’s writing a tell-all book about you.
Victoria: What?! Oh, no! That’s terrible!
Joy: Well, it might not be bad. Maybe she’s writing a tell-all about what a great mother you are.
Elka: It’s called Every day is Mother’s Day.
Melanie: See? That’s sweet.
Elka: Colon How I survived being raised by daytime’s evil queen.

Melanie: How did you get Emmy’s book?
Victoria: Oh, my agent got advance review copies from her publisher.
Joy: Did you really send your housekeeper to stand in for you at Emmy’s mother-daughter day?
Victoria: And I paid for her English lessons so she could pull it off. Of course, they conveniently left that out.
Melanie: Why did you send in a stand-in?
Victoria: Well, I didn’t want Emmy to be alone. And I was in Vancouver shooting the Lifetime Original Movie, Always By Your Side.
Melanie: Wait, you lied to her about being allergic to sugar?
Victoria: Well, technically, yes. But, you know, but her perfect teeth and her gorgeous figure say, “thanks for the lie, mommy. ” I honestly meant well, you know. And even when I had to be away, I always made sure she was well taken care of. She absolutely adored her old Irish nanny, nanny Bridget. You know, she’s the reason that Emmy pronounces potatoes “puh-tay-toes”.
Joy: Are you gonna tell her you got an advance copy of the book?
Victoria: Of course not. No, I am gonna just shower her with kindness until she feels so bad she kills it. Guilt, denial, emotional extortion. Oh, who says I don’t know how to mother?
Joy:  Oh, it’s a follow-up post from the “I spied you Cleveland” guy.
Melanie: Okay, okay. Before we read this and find out which one of us he was talking about– I don’t want this to affect our friendship. ‘Cause, you know, it could be either one of us.
Joy: Agreed. May the most amazing smile win. Here we go. I’ll arrange a meeting tomorrow. We’ll both go, and that way we’ll know for sure.
Melanie: Yes, well, you’ll know for sure. I already know. Are you baking cookies for Emmy?
Victoria: Oh, I poured vanilla extract on tinfoil and put it in the oven. Creates a warm and welcoming atmosphere. So she’ll never know I read the book.
Joy: What happens when she wants a cookie?
Victoria: Oh, well, that’s why I woke up early this morning and drove over to that bakery on Franklin. And then I scattered a half cup of flour all over the counter. I whisked two eggs and put the shells in the sink so she’d be sure to see them.
Joy: Wouldn’t it have been easier just to bake the cookies?
Victoria: I don’t take shortcuts, Joy. Anyway, all of this combined with my mirroring technique should win her over.
Melanie: Mirroring?
Victoria: Yeah, it’s an old acting trick. You just behave exactly like the person you’re with. It makes them feel like they’re being heard and subconsciously puts them on your side. I do it with you guys all the time.
Joy: That’s terrible!
Victoria: I agree!
Emmy: Mother. Darling. Every time I see you, you look younger than the time before. I mean, who are you, Benjamin Button?
Victoria: Daughter darling, every time I see you, you’re even more beautiful. And who are you? Benjamin Button, junior?
Emmy: Melanie and Joy, it’s so good to see you.
Joy: Hi, Emmy.
Victoria: So I made up the guest room, and tonight I am going to cook you your favorite dinner.
Emmy: Broiled salmon and fingerling puh-tay-toes. Wait a minute. I smell foil cookies. Why are you being so nice? Oh, my God, you read the book!
Victoria: Oh, my God, I read the book!
Emmy: Ha! I should’ve known!
Victoria: Ha! You should’ve!
Melanie: I think your mom is just hurt by some of the things that you wrote.
Emmy: Well, I mean, they had to be said. She was a terrible mother, gallivanting from set to set, leaving your two children to be raised by staff.
Victoria: I left three children.
Emmy: Yes, three.
Victoria: Right, I always forget Tony.
Emmy: Well, it’s easy to do. I mean, a civil engineer? What does that even mean? That he’s nice when he drives a train?
Victoria: I know. And who even takes trains anymore?
Emmy: Anyway, the point is, you were never around.
Victoria: Yeah, well, I had to work. And I don’t recall you complaining when I bought you boobs for your 16th birthday.
Emmy: Well, I wanted a car.
Victoria: Yeah, well, those boobs got you rides in lots of cars. And I cannot believe that you came here just to throw your book in my face.
Emmy: Actually, I came here to get a quote from you. After I threw my book in your face.
Victoria: Well. I’m sorry that I wasn’t the mother that you wanted me to be.
Emmy: Well, I’m sorry that I wasn’t the daughter you wanted me to be.
Victoria: Oh, my God, how dare you mirror me?
Emmy:  Just like your career, this conversation is over.
Victoria: I’m on hiatus.

Joy: Why did you go outside?
Victoria: It was too long a cross to go upstairs to my bedroom, and I didn’t want her to have the first slam. Well, that didn’t go well. God, I just wish there was someone who could get through to her.
Melanie: Well, I could give it a try.
Victoria: Oh, that’s sweet of you, Mel, but let’s face it, you’re a wuss. I mean, she’d just eat you alive. And you’re mean enough, Joy, but, well, your personality can be off-putting. Not everyone gets your dry heartless wit.
Joy: Are you trying to get us to write a tell-all book?
Victoria: Oh, I am sorry.
Melanie: Well, honey, don’t you think the best person to talk to her would be the woman that raised her?
Victoria: Of course. You’re absolutely right.

Victoria: So here she is. The woman who raised you, your old nanny Bridget.
Elka: Yes, ’tis I, nanny Bridget.

Joy: He said he’d be the one with the rose at his table. Oh, boy. Let’s get out of here before he sees us. He’s waving us over.
Austin: Welcome. I’m Austin. I’m glad you ladies made it.
Melanie: You were expecting both of us? Yes, I wanted to give you both a shot, so I kept it vague.
Joy: Look, you seem like a nice kid, and you write amazing prose, but for obvious reasons, this is not gonna work out. I’m sure you’ll have no trouble finding a girl your own age.
Austin: I’m already in a satisfying relationship. Now, I’m looking for someone for my father.
Eileen: “I spied you Cleveland”?
Austin: Welcome.
Eileen: What’s going on here?
Melanie: You posted about her, too?
Austin: I’ll explain. Have a seat. I have two roses. One of you will be eliminated before we get to the final round with my dad.
Eileen: So this is for a date with your father?
Joy: Look, this is crazy. Let’s get out of here.
Austin: Oh, well, then I guess he’s all yours. I hope you like abs.
Joy: I suppose we could stay for a minute.
Eileen: Is that allowed? They did leave.
Austin: My dad rowed crew for Harvard and later competed in the ’98 Olympics. He owns his own landscape architecture firm. And he’s also recently widowed. So basically, this is just like Sleepless in Seattle.
Joy, Melanie & Eileen: Aw.

Emmy: You look so different.
Victoria: Time can be a cruel mistress. Have you seen Val Kilmer lately?
Emmy: I mean she’s prettier than I remember.
Elka: As are you, my wee ‘un. Ah, you’re as buxom as the hills of Derry. Emphasis on the Derry.
Emmy: I just grew up. But you look like a totally different person.
Victoria: Okay, over the years, I’ve sent money to nanny Bridget for some extensive plastic surgery. I asked her not to say anything because I like my good deeds to be secret.
Emmy: What good deeds?
Victoria: You see?
Emmy: Okay. Yeah. I can see it right there in your eyes. It is you. Nanny, it’s so good to see you.
Victoria: Well, I’ll just leave you two alone, then.
Emmy: Yep, you always did.
Elka: Now, don’t be talkin’ to your mother like that.
Emmy: I’m sorry, nanny. Look, I know that this is gonna sound really silly, but will you please sing me that song that I used to love when I was a little girl?
Elka: Aye, that I will. Now, close your wee eyes, as you always did.
Emmy: I don’t remember that.
Elka: And maybe close your wee mouth, too. [Singing to tune of “Danny boy”] Oh, Emmy girl the boys, the boys are calling from Beverly Glen and down the valley side
Emmy: Oh, my God. You still write on your hand, just like you did when I was little.
Elka: Aye, ’tis true. Uh, and speaking of writin’. I didna raise ye to write bad things about your mother. Life is like a box o’ lucky charms. Sure, there’s the green clovers and the yellow moons. But it is also 80% dry oaty stuff.
Emmy: I understand. You want me to remember the good times and not dwell on the bad.
Elka: Aye, that I do. You’re not gonna get rid of the hurt by– by hurtin’ someone else.
Emmy: You know, it’s like when I was little and Janice Lowrey, she beat me out for the sugarplum fairy in The Nutcracker, and I ended up playing the frickin’ bonbon.
Elka: Uh, exactly.
Emmy: So naturally, you know, I put butter on the bottom of her ballet shoe, and then she slipped and ended up in a cast, and I felt terrible because then she got all of the attention. I mean, she even got her own curtain call.
Elka: Just like your book. It could make everyone feel sorry for your mum. And–and she gets all the attention.
Emmy: Oh, my God, you’re right.
Elka: Uh-huh.
Emmy: I have to call my agent and tell him to cancel the book and the movie.
Victoria: Movie?
Emmy: Paramount called this morning, and they want to turn the book into a movie, and they wanted my mom and I to play ourselves.
Victoria: Stop whatever you are doing, Emmy. I just learned that this woman is a fraud. She is not your nanny Bridget.
Emmy: She’s not?
Elka: I’m not?
Victoria: No. Here, quick, give me your phone so I can call the authorities.
Emmy: Okay, well, what is going on?
Victoria: That is exactly what I intend to get to the bottom of. Now, I want you out of this house at once, and do not come back.
Elka: Aren’t you forgettin’ a little something?
Victoria: Oh, now you’re demanding some sort of bribe to get out of here? Well, fine. Here. Take these field box Indian tickets, and be gone.
Elka: I not be seein’ a parking pass.
Victoria: Oh, it’s in there. Well, Emmy darling, about our movie.

Melanie: How’d it go on your one-on-one date with Austin?
Joy: It was good. He said we really connected. I don’t know why she’s still in the running.He said he was looking for someone down-to-earth.
Melanie: Oh, she is so not down-to-earth. We’re down-to-earth.
Joy: Oh, my God, this is bonkers. Let’s just go.
Melanie: You’re right, you’re right. You should go.
Joy: You’re just trying to get me out of the competition.
Melanie: No, no, no, I’m just staying because I think it might make a really great article for my Woman’s Day column. You have got to stop justifying everything with that bloody column. Last night you had a second piece of cheesecake because you said it would make a good article.
Austin: Joy. Melanie. I’ve made my decision. Please join me at the table for the rose ceremony.

Victoria: I have a major announcement to make.
Emmy: I have a major announcement. Since you’ve agreed to be in the movie, I have decided that I will pretend to have forgiven you.
Victoria: Oh, and I will pretend to have forgiven you, too.
Emmy: So what’s your major announcement?
Victoria: Well, you were never really allergic to pizza.
Emmy: Well, I wish I would have known that when I played a pizza maker’s daughter in the Telemundo original movie, Her Father Makes The Pizza.
Victoria: You were wonderful in that movie. You know, you really are a very talented actress, Emmy.
Emmy: Well, I learned from the best. All those years rehearsing lines with you for Edge of tomorrow.
Victoria: You know, and as a very tiny girl, you did a most convincing Jean Marc Dematteis, international jewel thief.
Emmy: Thank you. Honor Saint Raven, I have stolen jewels from all over the world, but it is you who is a thief, for you have stolen my heart.
Victoria: You’re wrong about that. Because I am not Honor Saint Raven. I am her evil twin sistah, Magnolia Saint Raven.
Emmy: And I am not Jean Marc Dematteis.
Victoria: Daddy?
Emmy: Oh. You know, my favorite thing was when dad was away on business.
Victoria: Mm.
Emmy: And we’d just get to to stay up late, reading over your next day’s script, eating our salads in your bed.
Victoria: Oh, I loved those nights, too.
Emmy: You know, when I was doing research for my book, I asked dad what business he was in, but he was very vague.
Victoria: His business, uh, was up-to-no-good business. See, your father had a wandering eye. That’s how we ended up with old nanny Bridget. You know, I figured even your father wouldn’t hit on an old Irish woman who reeked of potatoes.
Emmy: I never knew any of this.
Victoria: Well, no child should have to. See, my dad did the same thing, and I did know. And I just was trying to spare you that. Sometimes it’s good to be an actress in real life, too. And I know that every parent uses it as an excuse, but I really did do the very best that I could.
Emmy: I know, mom. And I genuinely do forgive you.
Victoria: Oh, thank you.
Emmy: But we cannot put that in the movie. I mean, it will ruin the ending.

Austin: Joy. Melanie. Eileen. This has been an incredible journey. Each of you is very special. But as you know, I only have two roses.
Melanie: The suspense is killing me.
Joy: I know. He really knows how to drag it out.
Austin: Eileen. We had an amazing time playing darts. But I can’t help but feeling that you’re a very guarded person. You have a wall around your heart.
Melanie: She is so outta here.
Austin: I’d like my dad to have a chance to see behind that wall.
Melanie: What?
Joy: What’s behind that wall is a vacant lot.
Austin: Eileen, will you accept this rose?
Eileen: I will. Oh!
Austin: Joy. Melanie. I wish I could take you both to the final round. But there’s only one rose left.
Joy: Yes, we know. Would you please just tell us who it is already?
Austin: I will. But first let me say you’re both amazing, and any guy would be lucky to have either of you. Two women. One rose. This wasn’t an easy decision. But the final rose goes to –
Austin’s Dad: Austin!
Austin: Dad?
Austin’s Dad: Oh, are you doing this again? I told you before. I’m not leaving your stepmother. I’m sorry about this, ladies. Come on, Austin.
Austin: Sorry.
Melanie: Wait, who would’ve gotten the rose?
Joy: Yes, not that it matters, but which one of us would you have chosen?
Austin: The one with the sparkle in her eye and the sadness in her heart.
Melanie: Aw.

Melanie: So who’s gonna play me in the movie?
Emmy: Don’t know, but I described you as the Sandra Bullock type.
Melanie: Yes! I love Sandra Bullock!
Joy: And I should be played by Kate Beckinsale. Everyone says I look exactly like–
Melanie: No, they don’t. Nobody says it. You say it.
(cell phone beeps)
Emmy: Oh, sorry, it’s a text from my agent. I have been offered the lead in a new telenovela, Chica blanca loca.
Joy and Melanie: Oh!
Victoria: Congratulations! Honey, I am so proud of you. But you’re still gonna be able to do our movie, right?
Emmy: Yeah, of course.
Victoria: Oh, honey, I am so proud of you.
Emmy: The downside is they want me in Ecuador tomorrow for a camera test. Anyway, I’ve gotta go pack.
Victoria: Yeah, I’ll help you.
Melanie: Ooh, Emmy.
Joy: You’re an impartial observer. Which one of us has a sparkle in her eye and a sadness in her heart?
Emmy: My mom.
Joy: Aw.
Melanie: Aw.
Joy: That’s dear. But it’s not an answer.

Hot in Cleveland S02, Ep16 – Dancing Queens

Season: 2
Episode: 16
Title: Dancing Queens
Original Air Date: July 20, 2011


Guest Stars:
Doris Roberts: Lydia
Antonio Sabato Jr.: Leandro
Lex Medlin: Elliot
Michael Dunn: Matthew
Edward Stanley: Joe
Keith Pillow: Potential Jeffrey
Ariel Llinas: Ty


Synopsis: The ladies are moping around that they miss their gay best friends back in LA. Elka takes them to the local gay bar. Victoria finds Leandro, a sexy latin man. However, he thinks she’s a man in drag as Victoria Chase. Joy fines a lonely boy. She gives him a makeover and ditches her for a guy. Melanie just finds straight guys she doesn’t want. Elka learns an old friend, Lydia, owns the bar. However, when Elliot, Lydia’s son arrives Elka nearly has a heart attack. The truth comes out that Lydia did sleep with Bob on the camping trip, but he never knew about his son. Victoria’s man still thinks she’s a man. Her acting skills get put to the test. Victoria loses to Susan Lucci in the drag contest. Back at the house the ladies enjoy pie.


Click on either link to grab the second season of the show, it’s a great way to support the ladies and have some serious laughs.

Amazon Hot in Cleveland: Season 2

iTunes Hot in Cleveland, Season 2 – Hot in Cleveland


Favorite Quotes:

* Elka: So you gained a pound. There’s more coming. You’re Clevelanders now.
Victoria: She’s right. It’s happening. My body is going native.

* Elka: Oh, please. The average woman could eat your combined weight in cheese fries.

* Elka: And I didn’t punch your face in order to hear it talk more.

* Elka: Moved to Florida. Same as dead.

* Joy: Story of my life. Always a beard trimmer, never a beard.

* Victoria: I mean, what does she have that I don’t have? Oh, yeah. That..

* Melanie: Well, I know these calories don’t count, but I just need to know. Aah! I lost a pound.
Elka: I turned the scale back. In Cleveland, we call that a diet.


Transcript:

Victoria: Nooooooo!!!!
Joy: What’s going on?
Melanie: Wha. what happend?
Victoria: I gained a pound.
Melanie: Oh my God.
Elka: So you gained a pound. There’s more coming. You’re Clevelanders now.
Victoria: She’s right. It’s happening. My body is going native. Ugh, you eat deep-fried Oreo on a dare and the next thing you know, you’re on that slippery, buttery slope to an elastic waistband.
Joy: No! I’ve gained a pound too!
Victoria: Oh, good. I’m not alone.
Joy: Well, you don’t have to sound so happy.
Victoria: Well, I’m on an emotional roller coaster. You understand. You’re porky like me.
Melanie: Uh-uh. I’m not going near that thing. Last week, I went to an Italian street fair and I had a cannoli inside a zeppoli inside a stromboli. It was their version of a turducken.
Elka: Oh, please. The average woman could eat your combined weight in cheese fries.
Melanie: You know, if we were in Los Angeles, this would be so easy. All we would have to do is go dance off the extra pounds. But we can’t do that here because we don’t have our GBFFs.
Elka: Your what?
Joy: G-B-F-Fs. Gay best friends forever. In L.A., every woman has one to go shopping with and dancing with.
Melanie: Watch the Oscars pre-show with.
Victoria: These are the gays of our lives.
Elka: Well, you can still dance with straight men.
Joy: Dancing with a straight man is like putting a hat on your dog. It’s fun, but you know he hates it.
Melanie: Now I really miss Jeffrey.
Victoria: Oh, and I miss Vladimir.
Joy: I miss Daniel and Rodney and Charles. I can’t hold on to my gays.
Elka: Shocker.
Joy: You know what we need to do? Go out and find Cleveland GBFFs.
Melanie: I would love to find a Cleveland Jeffrey. Someone who knows all the latest fashions and then tells me which ones I’m too old to pull off. Someone who can call me “bitch” and make it feel like a hug.
Victoria: Let’s do this.
Joy: No, wait. Is there even a gay part of Cleveland?
Elka: Of course. It’s down where the auto shops have all been turned into cute cafes. And one art gallery I do not recommend.

Victoria: I love this. You know, when you go out with straight men, you have to create the illusion that you’re not wearing any makeup. But for a gay club, you can just slap it on with a trowel.
Joy: They are gonna go crazy for us. We are so not gonna get laid tonight.
Elka: You three look ridiculous.

Melanie: Ugh. It’s a sea of product-free hair and the game is on. Are we sure this is a gay bar?
Leandro: You’re Victoria Chase.
Victoria: It’s a gay bar. Well, hello, new friend.
Leandro: I’m glad I saw you before the others started to swarm. May I get you a drink?
Victoria: That would be lovely.
Leandro: Let me think. A Bellini, ’cause the peach will match your complexion and the champagne will sparkle like your eyes.
Victoria: I’m intoxicated already. Oh. Young, Latin, adoring. Could he be any more my type?
Melanie: Mmm, yeah, don’t forget, we’re here to find GBFFs, not lovers.
Victoria: I know, but he’s just so attractive. A part of me wishes that I could be a man for one night and have him look into my eyes and want me the way that only a man can want another man.
Joy: I think we’re getting into a weird area here.
Victoria: Well, I can’t help it. I mean, look at those arms and shoulders.
Elka: Nice buns too. What? It’s the name of the bar.
Melanie: Oh.
Joy: Well, Victoria’s got her target, but what about us?
Elka: I think that loser drinking alone looks like your type.
Joy: Oh, thank you, Elka. I mean, I know you meant that as an insult, but he’s perfect. I’ve always chosen the popular and charismatic gays and they’ve always left me. But a stray gay, I’ll befriend him. He’ll be so grateful. He’ll never leave me.
Melanie: Okay, you’ve got your fawning Latin. You have your stray you’re gonna lock in a shed out back. But I don’t see anybody here for me. I mean, they all look straight. They’re all wearing plaid. And not ironic plaid. Not even lesbian plaid.

Lydia: Elka? Elka Ostrovsky?
Elka: Lydia Dombrowski?
(Elka punches her)
Melanie: Oh! Elka, what are you doing?
Elka: She had that coming.
Melanie: Elka, why did you hit her? Who is she?
Elka: Lydia was my best friend until the camping trip when she slept with my husband.
Lydia: I didn’t do that, Elka.
Elka: And I didn’t punch your face in order to hear it talk more.
Lydia: Bob and I were in the sleeping bag because I had frostbite and he was trying to keep me warm.
Elka: Liar.
Lydia: If you don’t believe that, then believe my three toes.
Victoria: Oh, jeez.
Joy: Ugh.
Lydia: One went to market, one stayed home, one had roast beef, and the last two got black and fell off.
Elka: So the story Bob told me was true.
Lydia: Mm-hmm.
Elka: I burned all his baseball cards for nothing.
Man: You burned baseball cards?
Melanie: See? This is the least-gay gay bar ever.
Elka: Oh, Lydia, I’m so sorry.
Lydia: Oh, honey.
Elka: Can I buy you a drink?
Lydia: No. Let me get you one. I own this place.
Elka: Really? A gay bar?
Lydia: Initially, nice buns was a bakery and then it was a gym and then it was a gay gym and now it’s a gay bar.
Elka: Maybe someday it’ll be a gay bakery.
Lydia: No, that’s down the street. Pie-curious.
Victoria: Ugh. Old people sex talk, missing toes. I need something beautiful to look at. Where’s my Leandro? Ah, there he is.
Joy: Don’t fall in love.
Victoria: Eh, might be too late.
Joy: Would you be okay if I go get my stray?
Melanie: Oh, yeah, yeah, sure. I’ll just keep scouting. Ooh! Possible designer jacket headed this way. Hi. Armani?
Handsome Guy: No. Joe.
Melanie: No, whose jacket are you wearing?
Handsome Guy: Mine.
Melanie: Yeah, keep walking.
Joy: Excuse me. Is this seat taken?
Matthew: Never.
Joy: So you’re not expecting a date or a straight gal pal?
Matthew: Nope, I’m completely alone.
Joy: Delightful.
Leandro: I can’t get over how smooth your skin is.
Victoria: Mmm, and I yours.
Leandro: I know we just met, but I have to say it. I’m very attracted to you.
Victoria: You are? Really? But–but aren’t you–
Leandro: Ah, don’t be coy, Victoria Chase. So charming. Such presence. You’re gonna win for sure.
Victoria: Excuse me?
Leandro: The celebrity drag queen contest. I just saw the other contestants backstage getting ready and none of the Marilyn Monroe’s can hold a candle in the wind to you.
Victoria: So you think that I’m–
Leandro: The most beautiful man I ever seen. Bottoms up.
Victoria: All right.
Melanie: So he thinks you’re a drag queen?
Victoria: Well, at first I was insulted, but then I realized it’s just all this extra makeup. Look, I’ll admit that it’s unconventional, but we really made a connection. And honestly, if you don’t bring up the fact that you’re not a man in the first five minutes of conversation, it is so hard to swing it back around.
Joy: To review, you’re with a man who thinks you’re a man pretending to be a woman.
Victoria: Yes. I am Victor Victoria Chase.
Melanie: Honey, I know you don’t like to think two steps ahead, but in this case, just one step might lead you to question what you’re doing.
Victoria: Well, I don’t know. Every relationship requires some acting. And in this case, some props.
Melanie: How are you even pulling this off? I mean, how are you explaining your voice?
Victoria: I told him it was naturally high because of my unusually long neck. You should see how gently he touches my Adam’s apple.
Melanie: You don’t have an Adam’s apple.
Victoria: Well, that’s what Leandro loves about it. That it’s not there.
Melanie: Well, then he’s really gonna love your penis.
Victoria: Okay, I have a few ideas about that.
Joy: Yeah, uh, please don’t share. Where are the other drag queens?
Victoria: Oh, Leandro says they’re backstage prepping. Oh, look. Here are a few now.
Melanie: I don’t know if I should be supportive, but I think you’re gonna win this contest.
Joy: Matthew and I will vote for you.
Victoria: Matthew? Oh, your lonely boy.
Joy: Yes.
Victoria: Oh.
Joy: He’s perfect. He’s never been a GBFF before. I get to train him to be everything I want. It’s the ultimate female fantasy.
Melanie: When you don’t have to use sex as a reward.

Lydia: It’s a shame we lost so many years. All our friends had to pick sides.
Elka: How’s Esther?
Lydia: Oh, funny, pretty Esther?
Elka: Uh-huh.
Lydia: Dead. You hear from Marty?
Elka: Moved to Florida. Same as dead.
Lydia: Charles?
Elka: Following the dead.
Lydia: So the dead are still together?
Elka: All except Jerry Garcia. Dead.
Lydia: To the dead.

Melanie: So you have no opinion whatsoever about whether a woman my age should wear over-the-knee boots?
Man: You mean like for fishing?
Melanie: This place sucks.
Matthew: So, how exactly does this whole GBFF thing work?
Joy: Have you not seen Rupert Everett in anything? We go dancing together, we go to clubs, we get to be each other’s plus one at weddings– unless, of course, one of us hooks up with a groomsman.
Matthew: Oh, I never hook up.

Joy: I know! We’re gonna have so much fun. We’ll go shopping, we’ll gossip. I’ll tell you what’s wrong with the way you look. You’ll tell me what’s wrong with the way I look.
Matthew: You can make me look better than this?
Joy: Oh, you weren’t joking.
Leandro: Rome has all the architecture and the history.
Victoria: Yes, but London has all that and the theatre.
Leandro: But if we’re talking most beautiful, it would have to be–
Victoria and Leandro: Positano.
Leandro: Wouldn’t it be great if we were on my boat right now, sailing to Capri?
Victoria: Yes.
Leandro: You stretched out in the sun.
Victoria: Yes.
Leandro: In your skin-tight speedo. Leaving nothing to the imagination.
Victoria: Oh, let’s not rule out imagination. Would you excuse me for just a moment? I’m gonna to pop into the ladies room.
Leandro: Oh, I admire your commitment to your character, but they will never allow a man into the ladies’ room. I’ll take you to the men’s room. Follow me.
Victoria: He’s taking me to the men’s room. What should I do?
Melanie: One word: Stall.
Victoria: I can’t stall. I’ve really gotta pee.

Elka: Is that a signed photo of John Glenn?
Lydia: Oh, yeah, he could never get enough of the cream puffs. When this was a bakery.
Elka: Hey, that’s a picture of you and my husband on our camping trip. I was in that picture. How come you cut me out?
Lydia: Uh, you want to see my toes again?

Victoria: Remember, no peeking. Zzzip.
Melanie: Matthew! You look fabulous.
Matthew: Thanks to my GBFF, Joy.
Joy: No, you’re my GBFF. Oh, you’ll get the hang of it. I thought tomorrow night, we could go dancing.
Matthew: Love it. There’s a lot of great clubs downtown or there’s this one place in the flats. Or Is that guy checking me out?
Joy: No, I don’t think so. You were saying. Great club. Us.
Matthew: He is totally checking me out.
Joy: Well, then you should play hard to get. Don’t even look– and he’s gone. Story of my life. Always a beard trimmer, never a beard.
Melanie: Ooh, how did it go? Well, if there were an Emmy for outstanding performance in a men’s room, I would have won it.
Melanie: He still doesn’t know?
Victoria: Well, if he did, would he have invited me to go dancing after the contest tonight?
Joy: Dancing. You’re a lucky man.
Elka: You expect me to believe that John Glenn begged you to cut my picture out so he could look at it in space?

Lydia: You were very fetching back then. And until Bill Clinton was president, there was no porn in space. Let’s get drunk.
Elliot: Oh, hey. That’s a great picture, isn’t it? Did you know my dad?
Elka: Your dad?
Elliot: Mm-hmm. Mom, are you okay?
Lydia: I’m fine, I’m fine. Go get a mop. The good one from home.
Elliot: I’ll just get one from the back. I’ll be right back.
Victoria: What’s going on?
Elka: This three-toed liar slept with my husband and they had a son!
Victoria: Wow.
Melanie and Joy: Oh, my!
Lydia: Oh, I’m sorry, Elka. It was just one time, and we hated ourselves for it.
Elka: Not as much as I hate you right now. I can’t believe Bob had a son and never told me.
Lydia: Well, he didn’t know. And Elliot doesn’t know either. And I’m begging you not to tell him.
Joy: What does your son know?
Lydia: I told him his father died in a lumberjack accident.
Elka: A lumberjack accident?
Lydia: I was a single mother and I wanted him to have a strong male role model, and the brawny paper towels were sitting right there.
Elka: I’m going to tell him the truth.
Lydia: Oh, no, you’ll crush him.
Elka: Oh, well, there’s a lot of that going around.
Melanie: Let us talk to her.
Lydia: Oh, thank you.
Melanie: Elka, listen, I know you’re in shock. It’s completely understandable, but do you really want to hurt some innocent guy just to get revenge on his mother?
Elka: Yes.
Joy: I have some experience with revenge, Elka. It’s never as satisfying as you hope, and the police always come sooner than you expect.
Victoria: Just think about what you’re doing. And that coming from someone who hates to think about what’s she’s doing.
Elliot: Mom, what is going on with you? I’m not gonna leave till I clean up this mess.
Lydia: No, this is my mess. I’ll clean it up.
Elka: No, I will. The rest of you can go. I said go!
Elliot: What’s going on with my mother?
Elka: Oh, well, I can tell you something about your mother. You didn’t get those eyes from her. You look so much like your father. Are you a lefty?
Elliot: Yes.
Elka: Are you allergic to mustard but you can’t stop eating it?
Elliot: Oh, yeah. I swell up at every ball game. How did you know that?
Elka: And when you hear a military band, do you get goose bumps all over?
Elliot: Yes. Every time.
Elka: Your father would’ve liked that.
Melanie: Wait, she’s touching him. Is that a good thing or a bad thing?
Victoria: Stop talking or I’ll never be able to read their lips. The cumulus toothpaste is plexi-glass.
Joy: You’re very good at that.
Victoria: Thank you.
Elliot: Wow, that, uh, that was some camping trip you guys went on.
Lydia: You told him about the camping trip?
Elka: Just how great it was to have a lumberjack with us.
Lydia: Thank you, Elka.
Elliot: It sounds like dad was quite the catch. It’s a good thing Elka was dating John Glenn at the time.
Victoria: Elka dated John Glenn.
Melanie: Would you stop? You’re the worst at this.
Leandro: Victoria, the contest is about to start in case you need to do any last minute shaving.
Victoria: Oh, no need. Electrolysis.
Leandro: Ouch. You are a strong man, Victoria Chase.
Victoria: I’ll see you in a minute. Isn’t he fabulous? And he’s so attentive to my theoretical needs.
Melanie: Did you tell him?
Elka: No.
Victoria: Are you okay?
Elka: I’m in shock and it hurts. I could use something to get my mind off it.
Joy: Well, Victoria’s about to compete in a celebrity drag queen contest as a man in order to impress a gay man she’s fallen in love with who doesn’t know she’s not a man.
Elka: That’ll work.

Elliot: Let’s find out our lucky winner. Are you ready? Are you ready? All right. Second runner up is Liza Minnelli. You did it. Great job, Liza. All right, step back. The moment we’ve all been waiting for. The winner of this year’s celebrity drag pageant is Susan Lucci! Yes!
Victoria: Noooooo!

Elka: It was sweet of you guys to get these pies for me. But what about your extra pound?
Victoria: Mmm, there are no calories if you’re consoling a friend. So do you think you’re ever going to see Elliot again?
Elka: I’d like to. Eventually. It was nice looking into my husband’s eyes again.
(cell phone beeps)
Victoria: Oh, it’s Leandro apologizing for leaving me for Susan Lucci. I just don’t get it. I mean, what does she have that I don’t have? Oh, yeah. That.
Joy: Should we try the lemon meringue?
Elka: No. The guys at pie-curious were right. Once you go BlackBerry.
Melanie: Well, I know these calories don’t count, but I just need to know. Aah! I lost a pound.
Elka: I turned the scale back. In Cleveland, we call that a diet.