Hot in Cleveland S01, Ep10 – Tornado

Season: 1
Episode: 10
Title: Tornado
Original Air Date: August 18, 2010


Guest Stars:
Susan Lucci: Susan Lucci
David Starzyk: Pete
Rand Holdren: Nooner
Stephen Holland: Antique Expert


Synopsis: A tornado is coming to Cleveland. Victoria leaves for the airport Joy leaves for a booty call. Melanie kisses Pete good-bye and shouts “I love you” as he leaves. Joy and Melanie are trying to get into the storm cellar with Elka as Victoria comes back. Elka finally lets them in and they discover all her loot. As the storm worsens they hear about Joy’s failed booty call. While with her nooner her phone chimed. It was the son she gave up for adoption reaching out to her. Meanwhile, in the storm cellar the power has gone out and Victoria is freaking out about the Emmy awards show. The power comes back on and they are able to watch the Emmy’s. It’s Victoria’s category and she wins. However, Susan Lucci accepts on her behalf and Victoria is angry. The storm passes and Pete rescues them.


Click on either link to grab the first season of the show, it’s a great way to support the ladies and have some serious laughs.

Amazon Hot in Cleveland: Season 1

iTunes Hot in Cleveland, Season 1 – Hot in Cleveland


Favorite Quotes:

* Melanie: Elka, we don’t care about your stash, just let us in!
Elka: Okay! But you better be cool!

* Melanie: Oh, my God, look at that wind! Her clothes are gonna fly right off!
Joy: That’s the plan!

* Joy: Is that a tiara? Who are you?
Elka: I’m Anastasia, the last surviving member of the Romanov Dynasty.

* Elka: I use a mixture of herbs and such for a special Polish polish.
Joy: Oh, my God. This is what smells like pot. This is why you always smell like pot. Why didn’t you tell me?
Elka: It was fun messing with you.

* Elka: Is that the son you put up for adoption?
Joy: I don’t have any others.
Elka: You never know with you.

* Joy: Oh, go ahead. I don’t need sex with you. I have my son.

* Joy: Oh, I wouldn’t worry about it too much. I’ve blurted it out when I didn’t mean it too. Someone recently mistook me for Kate Beckinsale, and I told him I loved him.
Elka: Couldn’t you have just given him a biscuit for his guide dog?

* Elka: You had to date a cop, didn’t you?


Transcript:

Melanie: Elka! Elka!
Joy: Let us in!
Melanie: Please, Elka, the tornado is coming! We are all gonna die! Maybe she’s not down there.
Joy: Oh, she’s down there. It wreaks of pot and I can faintly hear The Price is Right.
Melanie: Elkaa!
Joy: Victoria! Why aren’t you at the airport?
Victoria: Those wusses at the airport grounded all the flights. Now why aren’t you down there yet?
Joy: Elka is not letting us in!
Victoria: Well she has to!
Joy: It’s the pot.
Victoria: What?
Joy: This must be her grow house.
Melanie: Elka, we don’t care about your stash, just let us in!
Elka: Okay! But you better be cool!
Melanie: Oh, my God.
Radio Broadcaster: Repeating our top story, the national weather service is putting the greater Cleveland area under a tornado watch. Stay tuned for the latest updates and in

Melanie: What are you doing?
Victoria: Well, I’m calling Paris. My dress for the daytime Emmys still hasn’t arrived.
Melanie: But that was lifesaving information.
Victoria: Yeah, so is this. Oui, hello? C’est moi encore. Chercher ma robe maintenant, ou des tetes tomberont!
Joy: Bloody French.
Melanie: You don’t even know who she’s talking to.
Joy: Don’t need to. What’s happening?
Victoria: If my one-of-a-kind couture gown doesn’t arrive within the hour, then my private jet’ll never make it to L. A. by show time.
Joy: Who’d you have to sleep with to get a private jet out of Cleveland?
Victoria: I resent that comment. And it’s not who think.
Melanie: Even if your dress does arrive, you’re never gonna be able to fly in this weather.
Victoria: Ah, weather be damned. ‘Cause now that Edge of Tomorrow has been canceled, this’ll be my very last chance to show that Susan Lucci who the real queen of daytime is.
Joy: Judge Judy?
Victoria: You know, darling instead of making fun, perhaps you should go and find the bottom half of your skirt.
Joy: I have a date.
Melanie: Oh!
Joy: Oh, why pretend? It’s a booty call.
Melanie: Booty call. Do people still say that?
Victoria: People do, but I’m not sure Joy should.
Joy: Remember that hot guy at the coffee shop?
Melanie: Oh, yeah, the one with no long-term potential.
Joy: Well, I’ve decided all I need him for is the short term. I don’t mean to be crude, but I really need a good rogering.
Melanie: In this weather?
Victoria: “In this weather”?
Joy: Oh, would you relax? Elka says tornadoes never hit Cleveland.
Melanie: She also said Lebron wouldn’t leave.
Joy: Look I’m the only one here who hasn’t gotten lucky. I’ve dated the guy I thought was my son and the guy I thought was a murderer. But for whatever reasons, those did not work out.
Victoria: So what do you know about this guy?
Joy: Nothing! And that’s the beauty of it. I only need to know what he’s going to do between 12:00 and 1:00. Or 12:00 to 12:18. I’ve clocked it.
Melanie: Well, just keep your phone on, because if this tornado gets any worse, I want to be able to get a hold of you.
Joy: Fine.
Melanie: Oh, my God, look at that wind! Her clothes are gonna fly right off!
Joy: That’s the plan!

Melanie: What is all this stuff? I feel like I’m in the goonies.
Victoria: Wow. Is this stuff real?
Joy: Is that a tiara? Who are you?
Elka: I’m Anastasia, the last surviving member of the Romanov Dynasty.
Melanie: You are?
Elka: No, but I’ve always wanted to say that.
Victoria: Is all of this yours?
Elka: No, it’s stolen.
Melanie: Oh, my God.
Elka: And now I’m going to have to kill you! I’ve always wanted to say that too.
Victoria: So you’re a jewel thief?
Joy: How could that be? It takes you 20 minutes to walk to our mailbox.
Elka: It’s not mine. It’s my husband’s.
Victoria: But I thought you told us your husband was an accountant?
Elka: He was. But after he died, I discovered he was also a fence for the mob.
Melanie: Wow, and you never knew?
Elka: Well, he never let me in here. I thought he was hiding girly magazines. Oh, I was so relieved.
Melanie: Well, why didn’t you ever turn all this stuff into the cops?
Elka: And ruin my husband’s good name?
Victoria: You know, holding on to all of this stuff makes you an accessory. I mean, you could go to jail.
Elka: Well, there’s that too.
Joy: So we’re the only people who have seen this?
Elka: Well, there was one time–
Antiques Roadshow Guy: What you have here, Mrs. Smith, is a genuine Faberge egg.
Elka: I couldn’t resist. I love that show.
Joy: This stuff is so shiny.
Elka: Isn’t it? I use a mixture of herbs and such for a special Polish polish.
Joy: Oh, my God. This is what smells like pot. This is why you always smell like pot. Why didn’t you tell me?
Elka: It was fun messing with you.
Melanie: Ohh! Oh, my God, we’re all gonna die.
Joy: Melanie, Melanie, it’s okay. Victoria, do you have a pill that can help with this situation?
Victoria: To share?
Elka: I have some potato whisky right here. Grab some Roman goblets.
Victoria: Here, make mine a double. Ohh, I cannot believe that I’m trapped down here. When a beloved artist inhabits an unforgettable role like Honor St. Raven for the past 27 years, and cannot get to the daytime Emmy awards to receive her public lauding from her peers after being overlooked for such a long time. Well, then the terrorists have won.
Melanie: Listen, even if you can’t be there to get the award, you could still win.
Victoria: Oh, but what’s the point, if I can’t personally rub it in Lucci’s face?
Melanie: I’m sorry, forget about the Emmy. Let’s put the tiara on. Oh, where’d it go?
Joy: I needed cheering up. Something kind of big happened today.
Elka: What?
Melanie: She had sex with a stranger.
Elka: How much did you pay him?
Joy: I’d be happy to insult you back, but I’m still kind of on edge.
Elka: Sounds like you didn’t pay him enough.
Melanie: Joy, what happened?
Joy: It started off great. I was feeling so liberated. Since I knew there was no future in the relationship, I didn’t care about the things I normally would.

Nooner: Would you like a back massage or whatnot?
Joy: I just want to do it. And, time permitting, do it again.
Nooner: Awesome. Maybe we could hook up with some funyuns in between rounds.

Victoria: And none of this was turning you on?
Joy: No. I wouldn’t say it was turning me on more, but it wasn’t turning me off. I was just looking out for my own pleasure.
Elka: I like funyuns.

(cell phone chirps)
Joy: It’s probably just my friend Melanie.
Nooner: She available for round two?
Joy: That’s just Oh, who cares? I’m sorry, she’s kind of freaked out about the weather.
Nooner: I think weather’s cool.
Joy: Maybe don’t talk. Oh, God. The message isn’t from my friend. It’s from my son.

Melanie: Oh, my God.
Joy: I know!
Elka: Is that the son you put up for adoption?
Joy: I don’t have any others.
Elka: You never know with you.
Joy: The website I used to find him gave him my information.
Melanie: And he was looking for you too? That’s amazing.
Joy: Well, the nooner felt differently.
Victoria: Did you even know the nooner’s name?
Joy: Not well enough to use confidently.

Nooner: Uh, can’t you talk to him later?
Joy: No, you don’t understand, da fra Dude. This is a big deal. See, I gave him up for adoption, and this is the first time I’ve heard from him, ever. What should I say?
Nooner: When my mom has guys over, she says she’s taking a nap.
Joy: Just kind of emotional right now.
Nooner: Oh, great.
Joy: See, a million years ago, my boyfriend and I were in a little hotel room, just like this one. We used a condom and everything, but fertile Myrtle over here gets pregnant the first time out. All the women in my family get pregnant at the drop of a hat. Wait. Where are you going?
Nooner: Listen, I love sex, but, truth is my mom’s place doesn’t have any room for kids, so.
Joy: Oh, go ahead. I don’t need sex with you. I have my son.

Victoria: You said that?
Joy: Oh, you know what I meant.
Melanie: Well, what did you end up writing back to your son?
Joy: Nothing. The storm knocked out all of the reception. Now I’m dying to tell him how much I want to meet him, and he’s someplace thinking I don’t care.
Victoria: Oh, he’s not thinking that.
Melanie: Oh, guh! That sounds horrible. And Pete’s out there. They called up all the first responders.
Victoria: Ugh, I could never be a first responder. Maybe a fifth responder, you know. When it’s all cleaned up, and the press can get in.
Melanie: I just hope he’s okay.
Joy: Oh, I’m sure he’s fine. He’s probably someplace safe, wondering if you’re okay.
Melanie: Well, actually, I’m not sure he’s really thinking about me right now. ‘Cause I said something I shouldn’t have. Earlier today, I was calling my kids to calmly assure them that I was fine. This may be the last time I ever speak to you. I just want you to know that I love you. I love you so much. Please don’t worry, but please save this message for the grandkids. Aah! Aah! Oh! Pete! Oh, my God! You’re alive! I’m so happy!.

Pete: Am I getting a little insight into how you handle a crisis?
Melanie: Oh, my God, this is a crisis?
Pete: Look, baby, I’m pretty sure the safety’s on, but you’re straddling my gun.
Melanie: Oh, sorry. Be truthful. How bad is it out there?
Pete: No, there’s no need to panic. Did you get your emergency supplies together, like I told you?
Melanie: Yes, I packed my shoes and my makeup, and my clothing iron runs on batteries. What? Those are emergency supplies in L.A. I’m still learning here.
Pete: You know, you are too cute.
Victoria: Ahem. Well?
Melanie: Oh, my God, you look gorgeous!
Victoria: Ohh.
Pete: Um, this is your idea of an emergency outfit? I really don’t think you women are thinking this through.
Melanie: No, she’s dressed for the daytime Emmy awards.
Victoria: You know, with any luck, if I leave now, I’ll miss the tribute to barker’s beauties, but make it in time for everything else.
Melanie: Would you please tell her that she is crazy to get on a plane in this weather?
Pete: Well, she can get on it, but it’s not going anywhere.
Victoria: Oh. Oh, Pete. Dear, sweet, small-town Pete. How can I put this in a way that won’t offend you?
Pete: Oh, I’m dying to find out.
Victoria: Well, here’s how it works with celebrities. No matter what the weather, our private planes take off. And no matter how many infractions against the law we allegedly commit, our autographs make it all go away. Do you understand?
Pete: Yeah, I think so, uh Well, you better get out there.
Victoria: Oh, good man. You know, I think there might be an autograph in your future. Wish me luck. Okay, Victoria we can do this. I played a lady storm chaser in the lifetime movie, Lady Storm Chasers. I’ve been through much worse than this.
Pete: Don’t worry. She’s not going anywhere.
Melanie: Okay.
Pete’s Radio: Attention, all personnel report immediately to the emergency operations center. The tornado watch has been upgraded to a warning.
Melanie: Oh! A warning!
Pete’s Radio: A funnel cloud has been
Melanie: Funnel?
Pete’s Radio: Spotted five miles east of the Metro area.
Melanie: The funnel! That’s what makes the cows fly!
Pete: Uh, you know, that happens a lot less often than that movie suggests. Everything will probably be fine, but just promise me you’ll go down to the storm cellar, just in case.
Melanie: Okay, I will. I will, I will, I will.
Pete: I’ll come back to check on you just as soon as I can.
Melanie: Okay. Just be careful out there. Please be careful. I love you! Oh!

Victoria: “I love you”? You’ve only known him for a few weeks.
Melanie: I know, it’s way too soon. It moves things to the next level way too quickly. If one of us doesn’t die, it’s gonna be really embarrassing.
Joy: Do you love him?
Melanie: I don’t know. It was just so emotional. I had just talked to my kids. I was worried about Victoria. I was telling everybody I love ’em.
Victoria: All you said to me is, “I’ll miss you.”
Melanie: Well, my love for you goes without saying.
Victoria: Apparently.
Elka: Did he say it back?
Melanie: You know, I couldn’t tell. The wind was so loud I couldn’t hear anything. I don’t even know if he heard me.
Joy: Oh, I wouldn’t worry about it too much. I’ve blurted it out when I didn’t mean it too. Someone recently mistook me for Kate Beckinsale, and I told him I loved him.
Elka: Couldn’t you have just given him a biscuit for his guide dog?
Melanie: Dating at our age is a very delicate dance. You can’t just go rushing into things and throwing “I love yous” around. I mean, he might not be ready yet. I might not be ready yet. I just got divorced. I moved to a new city. I’m enjoying being single.
Joy: Oh, for heaven’s sakes. Do you want him to say it back or not?
Melanie: Of course I do. I’m crazy about him. Ohh! But not with this storm and all of us dying and all!
Victoria: Oh, will you stop it? Now, remember what Elka said. Cleveland never gets hit by tornadoes.
Melanie: Aah!!
Elka: Well, nice knowing you.
The Ladies: AAhh!!
Joy: What if this really is it? We could be right in the tornado’s path and not even know it. I’ll never meet my son!
Victoria: And I’ll never know if I won that Emmy.
Melanie: And I’ll never know if Pete was gonna say “I love you” back.
Victoria: Okay, we need to get this out of our heads, so let’s just pretend that the TV works.
Melanie: Okay.
Victoria: It’s Emmy arrivals at the red carpet.
Joy: Okay.
Victoria: All right, now. Who do we think looks like crap?
Melanie: I’ll go first. Lucci.
Victoria: Oh, you are such a good friend.
Elka: And a liar. Lucci rocks the red carpet.
Victoria: You know, honesty is overrated. I mean, what group of women could stay best friends for 20 years without bending the truth a little.
Elka: 20 years?
Victoria: Yeah. We’ve been through everything together. Let’s see, between us, six divorces.
Joy: Five of them yours. And an endless array of bad boyfriends. All of them mine.
Melanie: Five kids.
Joy: Two grandkids.
Victoria: Nieces, please.
Melanie: We’ve just always had each other’s backs. For better and for worse.
Elka: I wish I had what you three have.
Melanie: Well, you do now.
Elka: I meant a tolerance for your voices. But yes.
Melanie: Yay!
Joy: Wait, do you hear that? It’s quiet outside. Maybe the storm’s passed.
Melanie: Or maybe we’re in the eye of the storm. Victoria, find the news.
Victoria: What, are you kidding? No, the daytime Emmys are on. I made a miracle comeback from a fake illness to win this thing. If they call my name, I want to hear it.

TV: And Crystal McAllister for the strong and the gorgeous.
Victoria: Oh, my God, this is my category. Everybody just shut up.
TV: And the Emmy for outstanding actress in a daytime drama goes to Victoria Chase for Edge of Tomorrow.
Melanie: Oh, my God!
Joy: You won!
Victoria: Can you believe it?
TV: Victoria Chase could not be with us. Accepting for her tonight, Ms.
Susan Lucci.
Victoria: You have got to be kidding me. And in my one-of-a-kind dress.
Susan Lucci: Victoria Chase is now living in Cleveland and recovering from some disfiguring disease. The words “botched” and “surgery” have been tossed around, but who can say? Although she cannot be here with us today, I know she must be feeling what I feel. Gratitude for all my loyal fans! You have loved me for so many years. Oh, and you don’t have to worry, because, unlike Honor St. Raven, Erika Kane will be around to entertain you for many, many years to come.
Victoria: Get your grubby little doll hands off my award, you beautiful freak!
Melanie: Aah!
Pete: Melanie, are you there?
Melanie: Oh, Pete! Yes, we’re down here! What’s it like out there?
Pete: It’s okay. It’s over. They’re working on the power, but the storm’s passed. Everybody all right in here?
Melanie: Oh, I’m so glad you’re okay. Uhh. Oh, listen I’ve been thinking about this all day. When we said good-bye
Pete: Yeah, I was thinking about it too, and, uh. What the hell is all this stuff?
Melanie: Wait, what You were gonna say something.
Elka: You had to date a cop, didn’t you?

Hot in Cleveland S01, Ep09 – Good Luck Faking the Goiter

Season: 1
Episode: 9
Title: Good Luck Faking the Goiter
Original Air Date: August 11, 2010


Guest Stars:
Joe Jonas: Will
Dave Foley: Dr. Moore
Carole Gutierrez: Dr. Hernandez
Michael R. Robinson: Waiter


Synopsis: Victoria is nominated for an Emmy. However, she does not think she’ll win it because another actress in the same category died. Elka starts a rumor on online that Victoria has contracted a disease to help her win the Emmy. However, she did not research the disease very well. When the doctors from the foundation come to see her and tell her about all the symptoms, Victoria comes clean. She agrees to attend a fundraiser for the disease in exchange for them not going public about her lie. Meanwhile, Melanie’s son Will comes to town to visit. Melanie can’t get him to talk her to so she takes his phone. She finds out that he’s engaged and freaks out. She accidentally breaks it off with her and then fixes is it. When will gets he phone back he tells her he has to break up with this psycho chick who thinks they are engaged. Melanie lets it slip. Will is very upset. Joy went back to L.A. to do Brad Pitt’s eyebrows. When she returned she was questioning life. She tried out several therapists at Melanie’s suggestion. She keeps asking everyone “How does that make you feel?” Which is just annoying everyone. When Will takes off she waits on the porch for him and talks with him when he comes back. She gets him talking to his Mom again. After the fundraiser the ladies all meet up at Stormi’s. Victoria forgets to take off the goiter and everyone is starting at her so she rips it off.


Click on either link to grab the first season of the show, it’s a great way to support the ladies and have some serious laughs.

Amazon Hot in Cleveland: Season 1

iTunes Hot in Cleveland, Season 1 – Hot in Cleveland


Favorite Quotes:

* Victoria: Oh, it’s my 16th nomination. Uh, waiter? Uh, I realize it’s only 8 o’ clock in the morning but we’re celebrating, and I would like some champagne in my orange juice.
Waiter: You mean the usual?

* Elka: She can’t win. She’s up against a dead girl.
Joy: You didn’t have Susan Lucci killed, did you?
Victoria: No. That was just trash talk.

* Joy: I think I’m having a mid-life crisis.
Elka: Mid-life?

* Elka: I hope it’s your daughter who’s gonna decide which home to put you in.

* Melanie: Ooh, she texted back. “Why are you texting like an old lady?”

* Elka: I hate you, douche bag.

* Joy: Just text her everything we’ve always wanted to hear.

* Victoria: Disfiguring? Who said anything about disfiguring?

* Joy: Wow. This sucker’s got a lot of symptoms.
Victoria: No shissh, Sherlock.
Joy: Good luck faking the goiter.
Victoria: Goiter?

* Joy: Well, on the plus side he’s not getting married. And you raised a son with enough character to break up with the wrong girl even though she has a truly spectacular set of knockers.

* Elka: Oh, I bet it feels good to get rid of that thing, doesn’t it?
Victoria: Oh, it really does.
Elka: I was talking to the goiter.


Transcript:

Melanie: Did you know Cleveland was originally spelled c-l-e-a-v-e-l-a-n-d? For General Moses Cleaveland, see, their dropped the ‘a’!
Victoria: Shut up!
Elka: Thank you.
Victoria: The nominations for the daytime emmys were just announced.
Melanie: Oh.
Victoria: All right, who cares, who cares, ah– best actress. Susan Lucci
Elka: Well-deserved.
Victoria: Crystal Mcallister, nobody, nobody, and Victoria Chase!
Melanie: Yay! Good for you.
Victoria: Oh, it’s my 16th nomination. Uh, waiter? Uh, I realize it’s only 8 o’ clock in the morning but we’re celebrating, and I would like some champagne in my orange juice.
Waiter: You mean the usual?
Victoria: Yes. Although I’ve never won this thing. And this year, I definitely don’t have a chance. Crystal Mcallister from the strong and the gorgeous pulled a really underhanded stunt.
Melanie: What’d she do?
Victoria: She died. Aka award magnet. You know I can’t compete with death.
(text message sound)
Melanie: Oh, it’s my son. He’s driving back to college from L. A. And I begged him to stop here on the way. So he’s gonna be here this afternoon.
Victoria: Well, how’s he doing?
Melanie: You know, I don’t know. He rarely speaks to me. I get the occasional grunt on Mother’s Day.
Victoria: Oh, kids can be so ungrateful. I mean, you get them the best nannies money can buy and then they blackmail you with threats to write a mommie dearest. Oh, look who’s back from Hollywood.
Melanie: What was it like doing Brad Pitt’s eyebrows?
Elka: Does he smell like fresh cream on a fine spring morning? ‘Cause that’s how I imagine it.
Joy: Elka, celebrities are just like everyone else.
Victoria: You take that back.
Joy: Oh, I’m just starting to wonder if there isn’t more to life than removing celebrities’ unwanted hair. I think I’m having a mid-life crisis.
Elka: Mid-life?
Melanie: You know, if you really are having a crisis, maybe you should see a therapist.
Joy: The only therapy I need is liquid therapy. Hello.
Melanie: Victoria got another Emmy nomination.
Joy: Congratulations.
Elka: She can’t win. She’s up against a dead girl.
Joy: You didn’t have Susan Lucci killed, did you?
Victoria: No. That was just trash talk.

Victoria: The oddest thing just happened. My Agent says that there’s this huge internet rumor that I’m dying from some disease called well, I can’t even remember the name.
Elka: Flett-Giordano Syndrome. And you’re welcome.
Victoria: What? You started the rumor?
Elka: Well, now you can beat the dead girl at her own game.
Victoria: But– but you can’t just say that I have a disease. I’ve never even heard of it.
Elka: Well, no one has. That’s the beauty of it.
Victoria: Uh, Victoria Chase. Yes, I’ll hold for people magazine.
Melanie: Elka. I need a list of really fun things to do in Cleveland. Will’s coming, and we haven’t really spoken much since the divorce, and I really wanna reconnect with him. So if you were a 20-year-old boy, what would you wanna do with your mom?
Elka: Watch her buy me beer?
Melanie: Hey, Joy. Where you been?
Joy: Okay, don’t go all Melanie on me, but I decided to take your suggestion and I met with a couple of potential therapists.
Melanie: Wow. How did it go?
Joy: They’re all so nosy. Asking me questions about my childhood and feelings and sex and saying I need to come in four times a week. I mean, who can talk about themselves for that long?
Victoria: And then at age 12, I decided becoming an actress would be the best way to serve humanity. No, no, no, thank you. Oh, Elka. You are a genius. Elka came up with this internet rumor that I have this very, very promotable deadly disease.
Joy: Well, I’m sure nothing could go wrong with that.
Victoria: Oh. It’s a text from my Agent. Entertainment weekly and in style magazine both want me. Oh, and, and also, the Flett-Giordano Syndrome Foundation want to come and meet with me here. Oh, well, this will just legitimize the hell out of it.
Melanie: What kind of disease is it?
Victoria: I-I don’t know. Elka? You know, I’m, I’m happy to lie to win, but I-I don’t wanna lose my hair or anything.
Elka: The only symptom is fatigue.
Victoria: That’s perfect. I mean, I can play tired in my sleep. Ah, luckily, this disease hasn’t affected my wit.

(doorbell)
Melanie: Oh, that’s Will. My baby’s here. Hi, honey!
Will: Hi, just a sec.
Melanie: Okay. It’s good to see you. Good to see you, sweetie.
Will: Yeah.
Melanie: The facial hair makes you look a little Foreign, but cute. Come on in. You know joy and Victoria.
Both: Hey, Will.
Will: Hi.
Melanie: Ah, this is Elka Ostrovsky.
Elka: Nice to meet you, Will.
Will: Nice to meet you too.
Melanie: Well, your mom picks up and moves to Cleveland. You must have a million questions.
Will: No, I’m good.
Melanie: I fixed up the guest room for you, but I thought maybe we’d go out to lunch first.
Will: I kinda just wanna crash, if that’s cool.
Melanie: Sure. Sure. It’s cool. Very cool. Do you want me to show you where the room is?
Will: I’ll find it.
Melanie: Yeah. You can find it. You’re good like that. He can find it.
Elka: I hope it’s your daughter who’s gonna decide which home to put you in.

Melanie: Well, this is fun. The two of us. Getting a chance to talk and catch up and shoot the breeze. So how’s school?
Will: Good.
Melanie: Yeah? Well, you certainly have a lot to say to someone.
Will: What?
Melanie: Nothing. You know. I text. So I get it.
Will: Sorry, what did you say, mom?
Melanie: You know, LOL Omg. Om– you know what–g.
Will: You know it’s not cursing if you say a letter, mom.
Melanie: Oh, sure. Sure. “F.” “F!” You know, honey. We never got a chance to talk about the divorce. And we can do that, if you’d like.
Will: No, I get it. Stuff happens. I’m good.
Melanie: Okay. Did you know that Cleveland was originally spelled c-l-e-a-v-e-l-a-n-d?

Joy: The Cleveland spelling? You went to that?
Melanie: I was desperate.
Joy: And how does that make you feel, Melanie?
Melanie: What?
Joy: It’s an annoying question, isn’t it? But all the therapists ask it. I’ve been trying different ones every day. It’s a little bit like dating except you’re not trying to hide how crazy you are.
Victoria: Hello. All.
Melanie: Victoria, are you okay? You look exhausted.
Victoria: Oh, good. I was just making sure ’cause the foundation people will be here soon.
(text message sound)
Melanie: Oh, that’s will’s phone. Why is it he can talk to everybody else but not to me?
Victoria: You mustn’t blame yourself. Now I-I did absolutely everything I could for both my kids.
Joy: You’ve got three children.
Victoria: Ah.
Melanie: Oh, if this phone could only talk.
Joy: Well, it can if you want it to. Everything you want to know about will is right in there. His friends, his music, everything.
Melanie: No, no, I-I can’t invade his privacy that way.
Victoria: I can.
Melanie: No, put that down. Someone’s texting him.
Victoria: It’s from Stephanie. “Did you tell your mom yet? Did she freak?”
Melanie: Freak? About what? What does he need to tell me?
Victoria: Well, find out yourself. Pretend you’re Will and text her back.
Melanie: I shouldn’t do that. But as a mother, I need to know what’s going on with my son by any means possible, right?
Victoria: Indeed you do.
Joy: Absolutely.
Melanie: Okay. “How should I tell her?” Oh, I shouldn’t have done that. I just totally violated his privacy. I am done with this. Ooh, she texted back. “Why are you texting like an old lady?”
Joy: Ah, you shouldn’t have spelled everything correctly.
Melanie: Oh. “Just tell her we’re getting married”? Oh, my God. He’s only 20 years old. I’ve never even heard of this girl.
Joy: And how does that make you feel?
Melanie: Uh, “my mom got married young and still regrets it. ” That ought to do it. “Are you trying to tell me something?” What, is she stupid? “Just that we should slow down. ” “I h8 u, d’bag. ” What does that mean?
Joy: Well, 8 could be ate. Like, “I ate something.”
Victoria: Mm.
Melanie: And d’bag is like da bomb?
Elka: I hate you, douche bag.

Will: Hey, Elka. Thanks for letting me borrow this.
Elka: Oh. What did you think of my mall walk mix?
Will: Not bad. A little surprised by all the Justin Bieber.
Elka: Really? I love her.
Will: He’s a guy.
Elka: They keep saying that. But I’m not buying it.

Melanie: What am I gonna do? I-I broke them up. He’s gonna hate me. Oh, Will. Hi, honey.
Will: Is that my phone in your pocket?
Melanie: Or are you just happy to see me? Oh, God, that’s all kinds of wrong. Uh, no. Mine.
Will: Okay, I’m gonna go shower.
Melanie: Okay. Quick. How do I win her back?
Joy: Just text her everything we’ve always wanted to hear.
Victoria: Yeah, compliment her face without makeup, and tell her it’s the best sex you ever had.
Melanie: This is my son.
(doorbell rings)
Victoria: Oh, they’re here. All right, uh. Look, I’d love to stay and help you pretend to be your son, but I have to go pretend I’m dying. Hello. I’m Victoria Chase.
Dr. Moore: This is Dr. Lori Hernandez. I’m Dr. Robert Moore. It’s a pleasure to meet you.
Victoria: Ah. Likewise.
Dr. Hernandez: I’m sorry for staring, but I’m just surprised at how well you look.
Victoria: Oh, thank you, but I’m tired. So very tired. Please sit. I know that I need to.
Dr. Moore: Hmm, that’s very odd.
Victoria: What?
Dr. Moore  You’re not limping at all.
Victoria: Limping?
Dr. Hernandez: It’s the first symptom of Flett-Giordano.
Victoria: Would you just excuse me for just one moment?

Victoria: Where’s Elka? She said this thing had no symptoms and I’m out there limping around like Dr. House.
Melanie: Elka said she looked it up on Wikipedia.
Victoria: Wikipedia? Wikipedia says that I’m 37. And I should know. I’m the one who “corrected” it.
Joy: Okay, calm down. I’ll look it up online.
Victoria: Oh. I’m terribly sorry. Uh So in, in terms of publicity, I was thinking–
Dr. Moore: Miss Chase, when exactly were you diagnosed?
Victoria: Uh, last week. Why?
Dr. Hernandez: The most acute symptoms occur within the first week of onset. By now, you should be having trouble with facial drooping, involuntary body spasms, word slurring, hysteria.
Victoria: Boy, this thing is awful.
Dr. Moore: Yes, it is. That’s why we applaud your courage in going public with such a disfiguring disease.
Victoria: Disfiguring? Who said anything about disfiguring?
Dr. Moore: Well. There’s that hysteria. Miss Chase, I understand why you’re wearing this scarf, but may we just take a look?
Victoria: Oh, um, listen. Could you just excuse me for just one more second?

Joy: Wow. This sucker’s got a lot of symptoms.
Victoria: No shissh, Sherlock.
Joy: Good luck faking the goiter.
Victoria: Goiter? Oh, my God. That’s why they wanted to see my neck. Oh, good Lord.
Melanie: Ooh.
Joy: It worked.
Melanie: Yay.
Joy: She says she loves you and she’s sorry and– oh, she’s sending you a picture. Perky.
Melanie: Just erase it. He’s coming.
Joy: Done.
Melanie: Hey, Will. We found your phone.
Will: Oh, awesome, thanks. Oh, no.
Melanie: What, is something wrong?
Will:  It’s just this girl, Stephanie, I have to break up with.
Melanie: What?
Will: She’s kind of psycho and we dated a couple months. Now she thinks we’re engaged.
Melanie: Yeah, because you proposed to her.
Will: Were you spying on my phone?
Melanie: Ugh Oh, honey, yes. And that’s how I found out you were engaged. And I went crazy so I texted back. And then we broke up, but then we got back together again, and now she thinks that you love her more than ever. Oh, honey, I just wanted things to be better between us.
Will: By doing something completely shady. How could I ever trust you again?
Melanie: Oh Honey. No, Will. I’m sorry.
Joy: Well, on the plus side he’s not getting married. And you raised a son with enough character to break up with the wrong girl even though she has a truly spectacular set of knockers.

Victoria: And the reason I don’t have a goiter is because as an actress, my My vocal chords are so highly developed.
Dr. Moore: Well, it’s coming. Now, um, Miss Chase, which of your parents is Asian?
Victoria: What?
Dr. Moore: Well, the disease is only carried by people of asian descent, so–
Victoria: ah. Yes. Well, my father, Yoshi, is Asian. Okay, you know what? I just–I can’t do this. You see, I don’t really have the disease.
Dr. Hernandez: What?
Victoria: I just said that I did because I thought it would help me win an Emmy.
Dr. Moore: Well, that’s reprehensible.
Victoria: I know. I–I feel terrible.
Dr. Hernandez: As you should. Although, in the last week, she has brought the foundation a great deal of money and attention.
Dr. Moore: It would be nice not to share offices with the toenail fungus people.
Victoria: Wait, what are you saying?
Dr. Moore: Well, um If you attend our fundraising event next week, we promise not tell everyone that you’re a despicable liar.
Victoria: Well, I guess that I, I don’t really have a leg to stand on.
Dr. Moore: No, and while we’re on that subject, work on your limping. Oh, and get dark glasses. You’ll be blind by then.

Joy: Oh, there you are. Your Mum went out looking for you.
Will: I know. Oh, I lost her two streets over.
Joy: Look, she made a mistake. But she was just trying to get you to talk.
Will: I know.
Joy: And how does that make you feel?
Will: What?
Joy: Never mind. I’m gonna tell you how it makes you feel. See, for the past week, I’ve been seeing therapists and they’ve been trying to get me to talk. But I don’t like it. Partly because it’s none of their bloody business. But mostly because I’m afraid if I do start to open up and let it out, I might completely fall apart. Is that how it makes you feel?
Will: Yeah, that’s pretty much it. So I just don’t wanna talk about it at all.
Joy: But it doesn’t make you any less angry, does it?
Will: No.
Joy: Look, I understand. My dad left my mum and it really messed with my head and my trust. And when I was in my 20s, I let my guard down, fell madly in love, planned a huge wedding, and the guy didn’t show up.
Will: Wow, that really sucks.
Joy: No kidding.
Will: Must have been so humiliating.
Joy: I don’t like to dwell on it.
Will: I mean, just standing up there in your wedding dress and all those people staring at you?
Joy: The point is, I know a little bit about anger. And it’s not healthy to hold on to it or to take it out on other people. Especially someone as sweet as your Mum. It’s killing her that she can’t connect with you.
Will: I gotta tell you, whoever that guy was, it was his loss.
Joy: Thank you.
Will: Because you must have been so hot back then.
Joy: Yes. Way back then. Oh. Here she is now. Talk to her. It’ll be fine. I promise.
Melanie: Hi, sweetie. Listen, um I don’t know what to say.
Will: Neither do I. But we can try.
Melanie: Really?
Will: Yeah. So where do you wanna start? Well, the fact that dad’s engaged to a 25-year-old or that I think I have a crush on Joy and I’m pretty sure she’s feeling it too?
Melanie: Oh, wow.
Will: All right. So why did Cleveland drop the “a” from its name?
Melanie: Well, the masthead for the newspaper?
Will: Mm-hmm?
Melanie: They figured out that it was, like, not long enough.

Melanie: Well, we’re not bffs yet, but he did promise to text me at least once a week. Thank you, Joy. Oh, hey, how did the foundation fundraiser go?
Victoria: Utterly exhausting. But it’ll be worth it just to see the smile on my face when I win that Emmy. And, of course, announce my miraculous recovery.
Melanie: Yes.
Victoria: You know what? You know, I feel like I really did a good thing. You know, which gives one a certain glow, a little something extra.
Elka: I’ll say.
Victoria: I notice even now a few people looking my way. In fact, quite a few people, like I’m still wearing the goiter, aren’t I?
Elka: Oh, I bet it feels good to get rid of that thing, doesn’t it?
Victoria: Oh, it really does.
Elka: I was talking to the goiter.

Hot in Cleveland S01, Ep08 – The Plays The Thing

Season: 1
Episode: 8
Title: The Plays The Thing
Original Air Date: August 4, 2010


Guest Stars:
David Starzyk: Pete
Mark Indelicato: Zack
Gary Anthony Williams: Coach Taylor
Chelsea Ricketts: Francesca
Conner Diliberto: Romeo
Micheala Corrozzo: Gina
Joel Lambert: Handsome Guy


Synopsis: Victoria is waiting impatiently for her Indonesian Rosewood oil to arrive. It is mistakenly delivered to another house two streets over. The high school student that lives there, Zack, is kind enough to bring it over. He sees Victoria and begs her to come and help with his high school play, as the director is the soccer coach. Victoria agrees. Meanwhile, Melanie and Pete are acting like teenagers and driving Joy, Victoria and Elka nuts. Melanie keeps canceling and blowing plans off with Joy. This has upset Joy quite a bit, even though she tries to pretend otherwise. Melanie asks Joy to wax her eyebrows and Joy accidentally takes one off. Victoria then laments her play, as Juliet appears dead throughout it. It’s opening night and they ladies go to the play to support Victoria. The student playing Juliet quits just minutes before it starts. As the curtain goes up, it’s clear that something is odd about Juliet. When she turns around, it’s Victoria. After the play the ladies go to Stormi’s to celebrate. Victoria announces that she has been asked to say on as the drama advisor, and is going to. Melanie gets a text from Pete, but opts to hang out with the ladies (mostly due to the eyebrow being missing).


Click on either link to grab the first season of the show, it’s a great way to support the ladies and have some serious laughs.

Amazon Hot in Cleveland: Season 1

iTunes Hot in Cleveland, Season 1 – Hot in Cleveland


Favorite Quotes:

* Joy: What are you doing? That’s Crisco!
Victoria: I can’t help it. I’m delirious from cosmetics deprivation.

* Joy: We’re just going to a wine tasting. It’s not exactly a photo shoot for vogue.
Victoria: Yeah, well, what if someone tips off the Cleveland paparazzi?
Joy: You called three times. He’s not coming.

* Elka: Just because I’m chained to the fence, it doesn’t mean I can’t bark at the cars.

* Victoria: Oh, no, we’ll just wait till next week. It’s no fun without you.
Melanie: Aw.
Victoria: After all, you’re our designated driver.
Joy: Yes. I’m not gonna spit out perfectly free wine.

* Elka: Hear that? It’s the sound of us all turning against you.

* Victoria: “I never wear fur, but this is an emergency!”

* Victoria: Ah, God, I hate jocks.
Joy: You were married to a wide receiver.
Victoria: I still don’t know what sport that was.

* Joy (to Victoria): Raw cookie dough? Did you finally get that Peruvian tapeworm you ordered?

* Melanie: Maybe your actress is just scared. Weren’t you scared when you started?
Victoria: Of what? Too much adulation?

* Melanie: Ow!
Joy: Ooh, boy.
Melanie: What? What did you do? Aah! Where’s my eyebrow?
Joy: It’s right here.
Melanie: [crying]

* Elka: She’s upset that you’ve been ditching your friends just because there’s a new guy in your life. It’s as obvious as that hickey on your neck.

* Melanie: You’re right. I have been acting a little bit like a teenager. But in my defense, the last time I had a boyfriend, I was a teenager.

* Elka: Or is it also because you look like a hideous freak without your eyebrow?


Transcript:

Joy: What are you doing? That’s Crisco!
Victoria: I can’t help it. I’m delirious from cosmetics depravation. I rush-ordered some Indonesian Rosewood oil last week, And it still hasn’t arrived.
Joy: The Indonesian Rosewood is endangered.
Victoria: I know. That’s why the box is labeled “auto parts.”
Joy: We’re just going to a wine tasting. It’s not exactly a photo shoot for vogue.
Victoria: Yeah, well, what if someone tips off the Cleveland paparazzi?
Joy: You called three times. He’s not coming.
Joy: Oh, Elka, have you gone goth?
Elka: I’m going to a funeral.
Joy: Oh, I’m sorry. Who died?
Elka: I don’t know. Some guy, I guess. My friend Sheila crashes funerals to meet men. I’m going with.
Victoria: But you have Max.
Elka: Just because I’m chained to the fence, it doesn’t mean I can’t bark at the cars.
Melanie: Good morning!
Pete: Great morning!
Elka: What else do you want for breakfast?
Melanie: I really don’t have much of an appetite this morning.
Joy: I don’t either anymore.
Pete: Well, I better get out of here so you women can talk about me. How cute is she?
Joy: Oh, very.
Melanie: How cute is he? Wait, wait, wait, I’ll walk you out. That way, you can frisk me again.
Pete: Well, you are a “person of interest.”
Joy: Oh, I’ll be so relieved when the bad pun stage is over.
Victoria: It could be worse. You know, we hardly ever see Melanie now that she’s dating Pete.
Joy: But I’ve heard everything. Everything.
Victoria: Well, I have some earplugs you can use. I had to buy a box of them because of that owl that keeps me up at night.
Joy: That’s not an owl, that’s them!
Victoria: Good lord, she hoots like that?
Joy: I think it’s him. It’s weird.
Melanie: Isn’t Pete the best?
Elka: “owl” say.
Melanie: What? What’s so funny?
Joy: It’s nothing. You better get dressed for our Ohio wine tasting.
Melanie: Oh, no! I totally forgot about that. You know, I promised Pete that I’d take him hiking this afternoon.
Joy: You’re canceling on us again?
Melanie: I’m sorry. I seem to be doing that a lot. But you guys can go without me.
Victoria: Oh, no, we’ll just wait till next week. It’s no fun without you.
Melanie: Aw.
Victoria: After all, you’re our designated driver.
Joy: Yes. I’m not gonna spit out perfectly free wine.
Melanie: I’m sorry, I’m sorry. But you and I are definitely on for our movie tonight, okay? But can you guys blame me? You understand, right? He’s just so cute! Outside, I stole a kiss and then he pretended to read me my Miranda rights, and then he said, “you have the right to remain adorable.”
Elka: Hear that? It’s the sound of us all turning against you.

[doorbell rings]
Joy: Don’t get up.
Zack: Where is she?
Joy: I beg your pardon?
Zack: Oh, my god. Ms. Chase. My name is Zack Adams. Like yourself, I am a devotee of the craft of thespis.
Joy: Shocker.
Zack: I am also a devotee of Honor St. Raven. Which is why I am pleased to give you this package from “Indonesian Beauty Auto Supply.”
Victoria: Oh, my rosewood oil! How did you get this?
Zack: The mailman brought it. I live at the same house number, two blocks over. And it’s almost as if the hand of God was at work. Only it wasn’t God because the mailman does this all the time, and I think he smokes weed.
Victoria: Well, thank you, Zack. It’s always so nice to meet such an enthusiastic fan.
Zach: Honor St. Raven taught me courage, determination, love. Even how to survive a blizzard by crawling inside a bear carcass.
Victoria: “I never wear fur, but this is an emergency!”
Joy: That was during the writers’ strike, wasn’t it?
Victoria: Ah! The best six months of my life.
Zack: Actually, Ms. Chase, I too am in a blizzard of sorts, and I need you to be my bear carcass.
Victoria: I’m intrigued.
Zack: We’re in rehearsal for our school play and I desperately need you to help us not make it suck. Even a word from you would be as rejuvenating as the Indonesian Rosewood oil– Which, I might add, you hardly need.
[Joy laughs]
Victoria: Look, I’m flattered, but I’m not really a school play sort of person.
Zack: But you have to! We’re doing Romeo and Juliet, which I know is the first thing you ever acted in in high school.
Victoria: Well, that is true.
Zack: And our production is doomed because the soccer coach is now doubling as the drama teacher due of budget cuts.
Victoria: Ah, God, I hate jocks.
Joy: You were married to a wide receiver.
Victoria: I still don’t know what sport that was.
Zack: Please come. The man wants to put the character names on the back of our costumes.
Victoria: What kind of monster is he? Zack, I will be your carcass.

Victoria: All acting is an art, whether some great work on Broadway or a production of Romeo and Juliet right here in your little school cafetorium. For why else would Victoria Chase be standing here before you on this humble stage? Because, believe it or not, I was once where you are. Albeit taller and with better skin. So dig deep and strive hard to be a true artist. Because that is when the awards come a’calling. And you had better be ready because they are awesome.
[applause]
Coah: Inspiring stuff.
Victoria: Ah, thank you.
Coach: Campbell, I see you smirk like that again, I’ll knock your block off. Okay, bring it in and take a knee. Listen up. We got our first show on Friday, and your parents aren’t paying to see a bunch of amateur ragtime grab-ass up here. So let’s execute! Hands in, “shakespeare” on three. Everybody, know your lines and be awesome. One, two, three.
All: Shakespeare!
Victoria: I see what you’re dealing with here.
Zack: Shh! Don’t let him catch you talking to me. He’ll make me do push-ups. Boy push-ups.

Handsome Guy: Excuse me, is this seat taken?
Joy: Oh. Um Sorry, I’m waiting for my friend.
Handsome Guy: No problem. Is this seat taken?

Pete: So that guy’s the bachelor?
Melanie: For this season.
Pete: Looks like a guy you want to punch.
Melanie: Shh! They’re about to start the rose ceremony.
Pete: Do the women know he’s gay? Oh, big surprise. He chose the one with the biggest breasts.
Melanie: And she’s a paralegal. And they made a beautiful connection that night he dated those two other women.
Pete: Oh, yeah. Told them both they were the one.
Melanie: You know what? You’re worse than watching this with Joy. Oh, my god, Joy! I was supposed to meet her at the movies!

Joy: Excuse me, It appears my friend isn’t coming after all.
Handsome Guy: Thanks, I’m good.
Movie Theater: Coming soon – They were as close as sisters, until the summer that would change everything. – If you don’t have friends, you have nothing.
Nothing!

Romeo: My lips, two blushing pilgrims, ready stand to smooth that rough touch with a tender kiss.
Francesca: Good pilgrim, you do wrong your hand too much which mannerly devotion shows in this– –
[whistle blows]
Coach: Barker, you’re out of position again. Drop and gimme 20.
Zack: This is a waking nightmare.
Victoria: Well, everyone’s just too scared to act. Except you, Zack. You are Mercutio.
[gina clears her throat].
Zack: This is my friend, Gina. My girlfriend, Gina.
Victoria: Really. Well, nice to meet you, Gina. And are you an actor also?
Gina: Oh, hair and makeup.
Victoria: Ah.
Zack: I keep telling her I should have a beard.
Victoria: Oh, I wouldn’t bother.
Coach: All right, guys, pick up the pace. We need to motor through the boring parts.
Victoria: Actually, Coach, I know a couple of acting exercises I think might loosen everyone up.
Coach: These kids don’t need loosening up. They need a swift kick in the ass.
Victoria: You know, I have worked with tyrannical directors like you. It’s not helpful. Performance is a collaboration.
Coach: Lady, I’m just trying to get to the sword fight.
Victoria: Romeo and Juliet is not about a sword fight.
Coach: Well, if it was, maybe more people would have heard of it.
Victoria: You are a terrible director, and I know a thing or two about directing. I took a class called “a thing or two about directing.”
Coach: Fine, if you think you can do better, go for it. Just don’t dehydrate them. We’ve had lawsuits.
Victoria: No, but you d–

Elka: What’s all that?
Joy: Oh, I told Melanie I’d do her brows.
Elka: I’m surprised you’re even speaking to her, the way she’s been treating you.
Joy: Oh, it’s okay. So she stood me up a few times. She has a new boyfriend. I get it.
Elka: That’s no excuse. In Poland, the nuns had a saying, “kur przed koguty.” It means, “chicks before” You know what.
Joy: The nuns said that?
Elka: It was no sound of music.
Joy: Right.
Melanie: Thanks again for doing this. And again, I’m so sorry about last night.
Joy: Stop apologizing. It’s all forgotten.
Melanie: I just lost track of time. Whenever I’m with Pete, I just–I forget about everything else. Oh, did I tell you, this morning, he said the cutest thing. Ow!
Joy: Oh, my bad.
Joy (to Victoria): Raw cookie dough? Did you finally get that Peruvian tapeworm you ordered?
Victoria: No. The mule got caught at customs again. Look, it’s opening night, and I need this.
Melanie: I thought everything was going great. What’s the problem?
Victoria: The problem is Juliet. She’s a lox. When she dies at the end, no one can tell, because she’s been so lifeless all along.
Joy: Doesn’t she have an understudy?
Victoria: Ah, yes, Theresa. Remind me to send her flowers. She had her baby this afternoon. God, what am I gonna do?
Melanie: Maybe your actress is just scared. Weren’t you scared when you started?
Victoria: Of what? Too much adulation?
Joy: Ok, clearly it’s hard for you to relate to the untalented, But imagine, just for a second, what it would be like if you were one of them.
Victoria: Inspiration has struck. I know just what to say to her. Oh, Victoria Chase’s Romeo and Juliet is going to be a triumph!
Joy: Isn’t it William Shakespeare’s Romeo and Juliet?
Victoria: Uh, well, I tweaked a few lines, So Will and I are gonna share credit on the program.
Joy: The wax is hot. Ready?
Melanie: Yeah, yeah. Can you give me a little bit of a higher arch this time? Because I’m meeting Pete’s friends for dinner tomorrow night, and I want them to think I’m pretty. Well, you know, and smart and stuff.
Joy: Tomorrow night?
Melanie: Yeah. [gasps] oh, Joy! Oh, no! Little Italy, you and me, dinner.
Oh, I’m so sorry. Listen, I would cancel, but it’s Pete’s friends, and you know how important friends are.
Joy: Yes, if you don’t have friends, you have nothing. Nothing.
Melanie: Ow!
Joy: Ooh, boy.
Melanie: What? What did you do? Aah! Where’s my eyebrow?
Joy: It’s right here.
Melanie: [crying]

Victoria: And exhale. [all exhaling] Now, places. Where is my Juliet?
Francesca: Yeah, Ms. Chase?
Victoria: How are you feeling, Francesca?
Francesca: Like I want to puke.
Victoria: Ah, that’s good.
Francesca: That’s good?
Victoria: Yes, yes. That means you’re afraid. Now, do you know what you’re afraid of?
Francesca: You?
Victoria: No, realizing your dream. Because in that dream is the truth about yourself. Now, I want you to close your eyes and visualize it. Can you see it, Francesca?
Francesca: I think so. Yeah, I see it.
Victoria: You are confident, talented, owning the stage. Every line a triumph, every gesture a revelation. You are a young–well, younger– Victoria Chase. You are me.
Francesca: But I don’t want to be you.
Victoria: What?
Francesca: No, that’s not my dream.
Victoria: But Francesca–
Francesca: Look, I’m sorry, Ms. Chase, but we both know this play’s gonna be way better without me.
Victoria: Oh, boy.
Zack: Oh, my gosh. Thank you, Miss Chase. I see the truth about myself, too! And I just want to shout it out loud!
Gina: Not until after prom, you don’t.
Victoria: Now who’s gonna play Juliet?
Zack: Finally, it’s Zack’s turn. I know all of her lines, and besides, it’s my wig anyway.

Joy: I think there are three empty seats over there.
Melanie: I’m not blind, just disfigured.
Joy: Accidents happen.
Melanie: Yeah, accidents happen.
Elka: A wise man once said, “there are no accidents.”
Joy: That was Freud.
Elka: I didn’t get his name. It was just some old guy I spilled my soda on.
Joy: Sorry.
Melanie: Oh, now you apologize.
Joy: I was talking to them, not to you. Sorry. Still them. Look, even if I did do it on purpose, on some deep, subconscious level, I must have had a good reason.
Melanie: So you admit it!
Joy: I admit nothing.
Melanie: Well, are you just secretly upset that I have a boyfriend?
Joy: Of course not.
Melanie: Then what’s the big deal?
Elka: She’s upset that you’ve been ditching your friends just because there’s a new guy in your life. It’s as obvious as that hickey on your neck.
Joy: She’s right. Aren’t we past the days when a guy comes into your life and suddenly you become oblivious to everyone else?
Melanie: You’re right. I have been acting a little bit like a teenager. But in my defense, the last time I had a boyfriend, I was a teenager. I’m really sorry that we’ve been in your face.
Joy: And I’m sorry I took off part of yours.
Elka: So far, I hate it.
Romeo: O, then, dear saint, let lips do what hands do. They pray; grant thou, lest faith turn to despair.
Victoria: Saints do not move, though grant for prayer’s sake.
[laughs]
Romeo: Then move not, while my prayer’s effect I take.
[audience ohs]
Elka: It’s funny ’cause it’s gross.
[laughter]

(everyone at Stormi’s):- Oh! [cheers and applause]
Melanie: Honey, that was so great!
Joy: Best Romeo and Juliet I’ve ever seen.
Elka: Oh, yeah, a lot of laughs.
Victoria: Oh, thank you. Kelly Mushlin proclaimed it a “smash hit.”
Melanie: Who?
Victoria: A tenth grader. She writes for the school paper.
Joy: Wow, you seem so happy.
Victoria: Well, I’m just so excited to be back in the legitimate theater again. Um, I have an announcement to make. Uh, the school asked if I would stay on as the drama adviser, and I said yes.
Melanie: Are you serious? That’s wonderful!
Joy: I think that might actually be quite fantastic.
Elka: What about your career?
Victoria: Oh, if get offered a part, I am on the next plane out of here. You know, in acting, we call that Michael Canine’s law.
[text message chime]
Melanie: Oh. Oh, it’s Pete. He wants me to come meet him. But I’m telling him no. I’m spending the evening with my girlfriends.
Victoria: Ah!
Melanie: Because nothing in life is as important as friendship.
Elka: Or is it also because you look like a hideous freak without your eyebrow?
Melanie: Yeah, there’s that too.

Hot in Cleveland S01, Ep07 – It’s Not That Complicated

Season: 1
Episode: 7
Title: It’s Not That Complicated
Original Air Date July 28, 2010


Guest Stars:
Carl Reiner: Max
Davis Starcyk: Pete
Bill Dwyers: Anders
Tim Conway: Nick
Nicole Randall Johnson: Eleanor
Samantha Martin: Jenna


Synopsis: Melanie goes to visit her daughter and watch her in a play. While there she runs into her ex-husband Anders and they reconnect. Elka goes to a dance with Max, but has a few polkas with Nick. Nick shows up at the house and tells Elka he wants to be with her. She explains she’s with Max and it can never be. Melanie gets a text from Anders, he wants to see her. She is uncertain and tells him she needs time. He texts backs asking if can use the bathroom while he waits and rings the door bell. He asks Joy and Victoria what to do as he is back with his fiancé Kim. After Joy knees him in his manhood, they come up with a plan so that Melanie can break up with him this time. He agrees, fearing another knee. Joy and Victoria pump up Melanie to break his heart. Joy queues him and he rings the doorbell. Melanie ends it with him. In the kitchen with the ladies she feels bad about hurting him. She decides to go to the airport to stop him. Joy tells her the truth about Anders and Melanie still goes to the airport. He goes past security and the guard is nice enough to have him sent back. Ander’s is shocked to see Melanie. She tells him she needs to let him know how she really feels and proceeds to cuss him out. Meanwhile, back at the house Max and Nick have both shown up to take Elka to the senior luau. Max and Nick fight over Elka, as Melanie comes back from the airport. She tells Joy and Victoria that she cussed him out. They are all excited, until Elka tells them they are ruining her fight. She ultimately picks Max. The ladies go to Stormi’s and Melanie orders a stick of butter because her wedding ring is still stuck on her finger. She pries it off before the butter arrives and hits a cop with it. He offers to buy her a drink. Victoria takes off a ring and aims for a man. Joy gives in and tosses one blindly….Elka catches it.


Click on either link to grab the first season of the show, it’s a great way to support the ladies and have some serious laughs.

Amazon Hot in Cleveland: Season 1

iTunes Hot in Cleveland, Season 1 – Hot in Cleveland


Favorite Quotes:

* Joy: That’s a lot of boobage for your daughter’s play.
Elka: Nice girls keep their cookies in a jar.

* Nick: Oh, hi. I believe you left this behind at the dance, princess.
Elka: Well, I had to rush off when the clock struck 9:00.

* Joy: Bloody feelings, spoil everything.

* Melanie: “sometimes the one you’re looking for is the one that was there all along.”
Elka: “only the biggest hearts can love more than one.”
Victoria: “she mastered the craft of acting, and then the art of loving.”
Joy: I’m ashamed to be a woman.

* Joy: Melanie, what have I told you about romantic movies?
Melanie: That they’re never as good as their trailers.
Joy: Yes, and that they have nothing to do with real life.

* Joy: Ha! Typical. He breaks up with his bimbo, Then comes running back to Melanie. That’s just morally wrong. I say we kill him.

* Joy: We’re screwed.
Victoria: Screwed, stewed, and tattooed.

* Elka: Hey, people eat in here!

* Victoria: Actually, I go more by how many karats are bouncing light back into my eyes. But I’m sure your way would work too.

* Joy: I’ve never kneed a man in his manhood before. I could get used to it.

* Joy: You don’t need Anders anymore. The old Melanie may have needed him, but the new Melanie is fabulous, confident, and independent.

* Elka: It was one polka. It was just physical, it didn’t mean anything.

* Joy: Oh, what the hell.
Elka: Desperate much?


Transcript:

Victoria: Mel Your taxi is here.
Melanie: Coming! Oh puppy tails!
Victoria: Melanie, please. Language. Is that what you’re wearing on the plane?
Joy: Mm. Someone’s looking to get bumped to first class.
Melanie: No, as soon as I get to New York I have to rush straight to Jenna’s play. I’m not gonna have time to change.
Joy: That’s a lot of boobage for your daughter’s play.
Elka: Nice girls keep their cookies in a jar.
Melanie: Yes, I know, but Jenna set me up with one of her friend’s fathers, and we’re going out to dinner after.
Elka: Oh, in that case, chips ahoy!
Joy and Victoria: Bye.
Victoria: Have a safe flight.
(knocking on the door)
Victoria: Oh, what did she forget now?
Nick: Hello.
Victoria: Hello.
Nick: Uh, is Elka here?
Elka: Nick?
Nick: Oh, hi. I believe you left this behind at the dance, princess.
Elka: Well, I had to rush off when the clock struck 9:00.
Nick: Yeah, well could we talk?
Elka: Oh, sure. I’ll be right out.
Nick: Oh, well, it’s a little cold and damp– (Elka shuts the door in his face)
Joy: What’s going on here? I thought you went to the dance with Max last night.
Elka: I did. But then Nick asked me to dance, and one thing led to another.
Victoria: You cheated on Max?
Elka: Twice. First a waltz, and then a polka.
Victoria: That’s it? You danced?
Elka: A polka! The polish forbidden dance of love. I’m gonna go out there and tell him it was just one of those things.

Elka: No. No swinging.
Nick: Oh, you’re not a swinger?
Elka: I feel guilty enough already. I had fun last night but I’m engaged to Max.
Nick: Yeah, Max is my friend too, you know. But last night, when we were dancing, you can’t deny you felt a spark.
Elka: Well, orthopedic shoes on soft carpet.
Nick: (singing) * I wanna polka, I wanna polka *
Elka: (singing) * I wanna polka * Oh, no! It’s happening again!
Nick: Let’s get naked.
Elka: Oh, stop it.
Nick: All right, you win. I’m gonna go. But I’m not giving up. ’cause faint heart never won fair maiden. Oh, boy! There’s my pacemaker. Probably telling me I’m over stimulated.

Melanie: Oh, baby. Jenna, you were brilliant!
Jenna: I got applause! I did, right? I mean, it wasn’t just you clapping like a maniac?
Melanie: Hey, I wasn’t even clapping. I was too busy yelling, “that’s my daughter!” Weird, I thought I heard some man yelling it too.
Jenna: I did too. But Dad said he couldn’t make it because Kim had a yoga emergency.
Melanie and Jenna: Yeah, well whatever that is.
Melanie: And frankly, I’m glad. Because I’m not quite prepared to run into your father right now.
Anders: Well, then this is awkward.
Melanie: Hello, Anders.

Victoria: Thank you.
Joy: Who are they for?
Victoria: There’s no name. Probably from my stalker.
Joy: I see he got your change of address card.
Victoria: “to the girl with more curves than the Medina freeway.”
Elka: They’re for me. From Nick. He’s the poet.
Joy: That’s poetry?
Elka: What does it say on your flowers?
Victoria: So Nick is not gonna take no for an answer, huh?
Elka: No. I’ve never been in a triangle before. You girls are slutty, what would you do?
Joy: Geometry’s more Victoria’s specialty. She’s been in triangles, squares.
Victoria: Yeah, I was almost in a hexagon once, but at the last minute, the twins dropped out, so.
Melanie: Hi.
Victoria: Hey, how did it go?
Melanie: Well, Jenna rocked, and Anders and I made out.
Elka: See, slutty.
Joy: Anders was there?
Victoria: You kissed Anders?
Joy: How did this happen and where was Kim?
Melanie: Oh, Kim didn’t show, and my date never happened. And then Anders and I took Jenna out to dinner, and then we met up for drinks afterwards. And before I knew it all these little, old feelings snuck up on me and just blindsided me.
Joy: Bloody feelings, spoil everything.
Melanie: I know this sounds crazy, but you know those dumb romantic comedies that I love so much? Well, I felt like I was in the middle of one. I could just hear the announcer “sometimes the one you’re looking for is the one that was there all along.”
Elka: “only the biggest hearts can love more than one.”
Victoria: “she mastered the craft of acting, and then the art of loving.”
Joy: I’m ashamed to be a woman.
Victoria: Listen, fooling around with exes is a perfectly natural and often beautiful part of every relationship. I’ve slept with all of mine.
Elka: Even the gay one?
Victoria: Yes. He was questioning his questioning of his sexuality. But as soon as we hit the sheets, we got into a discussion about thread count. And well, game over.
Joy: Melanie, what have I told you about romantic movies?
Melanie: That they’re never as good as their trailers.
Joy: Yes, and that they have nothing to do with real life. It was one make-out session, it’s over, forget about him.
(text message sound)
Melanie: It’s Anders. “I need to see you again.”
Joy: Write back “no.” And put one of those frowny faces with the angry eyes.
Melanie: I’m texting him back, “I’m not sure.” I’m gonna have to think about this.
(phone chimes)
Melanie: “while I’m waiting, can I use your bathroom?” Anders, this is crazy. You’re engaged to Kim.
Anders: Well, truth is, we’ve been having some problems.
Joy: Ha! Typical. He breaks up with his bimbo, Then comes running back to Melanie. That’s just morally wrong. I say we kill him.
Victoria: We can’t do anything now. I mean, we’re in girlfriend purgatory. If we tell her to dump him and they end up getting remarried, then we’re screwed. But if we don’t say anything and he ends up breaking her heart again, we’re screwed. God.
Anders: I miss you, Melanie. And I miss us.
Melanie: Well, there are times that, you know, I miss you too. But Oh, okay. One dinner wouldn’t hurt, right?
Joy: We’re screwed.
Victoria: Screwed, stewed, and tattooed. That’s from a Tennessee William’s play. I played Esmeralda in summer stock.
Joy: You know, I didn’t think You’d be able to make this about yourself. I underestimated you.

Victoria: Oh, Joy. I just had the scare of my life.
Joy: Did you get dressed under overhead lighting again?
Victoria: Yes, and I’m thinking about getting the plans out again for Victoria 2.0. And I need you to either talk me into it or out of it.
Joy: No sag, visible ribbage, mm.
Elka: Hey, people eat in here!
Victoria: Don’t you have a house of your own?
Elka: I need advice. Both Max and Nick have invited me to the senior center luau tonight.
Joy: What time is the luau?
Elka: Dinnertime, 4:30.
Joy: So go to the luau with one, and meet the other after for a nightcap.
Elka: Thank you, I’ll stay home.
Joy: Yeah, but that’s the opposite of what I said.
Elka: I know. I’ve seen your love life.
Melanie: Oh, sugar foot! I always trip on that gosh darn step.
Victoria: Ugh, it’s like a Mamet play in here.
Melanie: Okay, I need your help. Do you guys think Mirabella’s is too romantic a place for a lunch with Anders?
Victoria: Why is everyone always asking us for romantic advice?
Joy: Yeah, since when did we become the gay best friend?
Melanie: You guys gotta help me, I’m so confused. On the one hand, it took me a long time to get over Anders.
Victoria: Well, then cancel lunch.
Melanie: But on the other hand, I’ve always dreamed he’d come crawling back.
Joy: Then go. They make a delicious chocolate mousse for two. It’s probably even better If you have someone to share it with.
Melanie: You’re sending mixed messages.
Joy: We’re just staying wisely neutral.
Melanie: Please, just give me something, anything!
Victoria: Okay, whenever I’m considering getting back with an ex, I always try on the wedding ring he gave me.
Melanie: Oh, and then if you slip it on and it feels right you know?
Victoria: Actually, I go more by how many karats are bouncing light back into my eyes. But I’m sure your way would work too.

Joy: Mel’s not ready. We’re here to stall. Would you like some wine?
Anders: Uh, no. Actually what I could use is some advice.
Joy: Hm, again with the advice.
Victoria: Oh, just embrace it.
Anders: Kim and I are getting back together, and I’m flying back to L.A. today, and I don’t know how to tell Melanie.
Victoria and Joy: Ah.
Joy: I’ve never kneed a man in his manhood before. I could get used to it.
Anders: Listen.
Victoria: What did we say about talking? You know I have pointy knees too.
Joy: Listen, I’ve come up with a plan, but I’m gonna need your help.
Victoria: I have told you before, I am far too recognizable to help you hide a dead body.
Anders: What?
Victoria and Joy: Sh!
Joy: We are not gonna let him hurt Melanie again. Because this time you’re gonna let her break up with you.
Victoria: No, but she doesn’t wanna break up with him.
Joy: She will when we’re done with her. And you better act sad. In fact, you better cry. Or I’ll give you something to cry about.
Anders: I’m good.
Joy: Just wait for my signal.
Melanie: Oh, I thought I heard voices, Is Anders here?
Joy: No, it wasn’t him. Child collecting money, some tragedy. Oh, God, you actually put on the ring?
Melanie: Yeah, I did, and now I can’t get it off. Maybe it’s a sign.
Joy: It is. A sign that Anders is the devil and should burn in hell.
Melanie: What happened to neutral girlfriends?
Victoria: Well, we decided that we owe you better than that. The neutral is the one color that I cannot play.
Joy: You don’t need Anders anymore. The old Melanie may have needed him, but the new Melanie is fabulous, confident, and independent.
Melanie: I have changed.
Victoria: Yes. But what hasn’t changed is Anders. Now he cheated on you, and now he’s cheating on Kim with you. The new Melanie deserves far better than the old Anders.
Joy: Ooh, that’s good.
Victoria: Thank you.
Joy: I mean she’s right.
Melanie: I didn’t think of it that way. He is still cheating, isn’t he? He hasn’t changed at all, but I have changed.
Victoria: We just said that.
Joy: Shut up. So whenever he gets here and by the way, what kind of a guy keeps you waiting? You know what you have to do, right?
Melanie: Yeah, I guess. I do wanna move forward, not backward.
(doorbell rings)
Joy: Ah! Perfect timing.
Victoria: Okay, now stay strong and stick to your guns.
Melanie: This is gonna be really hard.
Joy: Or incredibly easy. Who can say?
Victoria: Ah.

Melanie: Good-bye, Anders. I really do think this is the best for both of us. Oh you really do look like you’re in a lot of pain.
Anders: I can honestly say I am.
Joy: What’s happening now?
Victoria: She’s making some sappy speech and he’s overplaying like crazy. It’s like one of those warm moments on Glee.
Joy: She’s coming!
Victoria: Act natural.
Melanie: Well, I feel terrible. He was crushed.
Joy: Well, better him than you. So Who’s up for mojitos?
Victoria: Ah.
Melanie: Guys, I know you don’t like him, but he was really sincere this time. I mean, he cried. I have never seen him cry before. Maybe he has changed. Maybe he’s new Anders, and new Melanie just made a big mistake.
Victoria: Noo. No, no, no, no mistake. New Melanie, good.
Melanie: Maybe this is like those movies that I love so much. And this would be the scene where I chase him to the airport and I catch him at the very last minute.
Joy: Those movies are stupid. I mean, by the time you park, get the shuttle, all that running they’re just stupid, okay?
Melanie: What if he’s so happy to see me he just lifts me up in his arms. Oh, it’d be so romantic. I’m going.
Joy: Melanie, stop. Anders and Kim got back together.
Melanie: What?
Joy: He didn’t know how to tell you, so we made him promise to let you break up with him this time. So you wouldn’t get hurt again.
Melanie: Are you kidding me? How could you guys do this to me?
Victoria: It was all Joy’s idea. I just got swept up. You and I were both innocent pawns in her little game.
Joy: Where are you going?
Melanie: To catch him before he gets on that plane!
Joy: Should we have gone after her?
Victoria: No. You know how these movies work. The well-meaning best friends don’t show up again until she marries the right guy, and that’s way, way, way at the end of the thing. One of us winds up dancing with the bride’s randy grandfather, and the other one hooks up with the handsome cater waiter.
Joy: I call the cater waiter.
Victoria: Fine. Oh, did I mention that the randy grandfather is a billionaire?
Joy: Fine. Did I mention the cater waiter’s a secret prince?
Victoria: And did I mention that the grandfather is aging backwards, like Brad Pitt?

Melanie: Ooh, Anders! Anders, Anders!
Security Guard: Ticketed passengers only, ma’am.
Melanie: Oh, I know, but that man in the blue shirt and khakis, I gotta get him back. See, I listened to my girlfriends, and I shouldn’t have. So now I just have to make it right before he gets on that plane, please.
Security Guard: Wow. This is just like the last scene in all of those romantic comedies.
Melanie: Yeah, where time is of the essence.
Security Guard: Jennifer, there’s a guy wearing a blue shirt and khakis headed your way, could you send him back please?
Melanie: Thank you. Thank you so much. I just need one more chance to tell him how I feel.
Security Guard: So let me guess. You worked with him, but you never saw him as the kind of guy you would go out with. Or or you were complete opposites, until the stuck-up rich guy you were about to marry —
Anders: Melanie What’s going on?
Melanie: Anders, Joy and Victoria told me everything. But before you get on that airplane I really need to tell you how I feel. You are the biggest [bleep]. You [bleep] cheated on me while we were married, And then you used me to cheat on your [bleep] fiancé because you don’t know what the [bleep] you want? You are a selfish [bleep]! Who doesn’t think about anybody else but himself. So you know what, you can just go [bleep] yourself!
Security Guard: Really saw that going another way.
Melanie: Ooh, puppy tails!

Joy: Oh, aloha, Max.
Max: Is Elka here? She isn’t returning my tweets.
Joy: Come in.
Nick: Hello, I’m looking for a little bit of heaven in a track suit.
Victoria: Ah.
Joy: She should be around here somewhere.
Max: What are you doing here?
Nick: What am I doing here? I came to see my girl.
Max: Your girl?
Joy: Oh, Elka, you have company.
Elka: Nick, Max, what a colorful surprise. I told you I wasn’t going to the luau.
Max: You’ve been cheating on me with this putz?
Nick: Putz? What the heart wants the heart gets, cue ball.
Elka: It was one polka. It was just physical, it didn’t mean anything.
Nick: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. You have to admit what we have between us is raw and powerful.
Max: I’ll introduce you to raw and powerful. Put ’em up, if you can still get them up.
Nick: Really, huh?
Max: Come on.
Nick: When I get through with you, you’re gonna be eating your bran muffin through a straw.
Victoria: Gentlemen, gentlemen, please, please fighting isn’t gonna help Elka make up her mind.
Elka: Sure it is.
Melanie: Hey! What’s going on in here?
Joy: They’re fighting over Elka.
Melanie: Oh!
Victoria: So what happened with Anders?
Melanie: Ah, it was wonderful. The old Melanie, she was too nice to let it out. But the new Melanie, she let it fly. I dropped the f-bomb, like, 15 times.
Victoria: I could not be more proud.
Joy: Oooh, so what did you say?
Melanie: Oh, you wouldn’t believe it. The security guard was there, and she thought it was like a romantic movie.
(all three overlapping)
Elka: Take the hen party outside, you’re ruining my fight. Come on, guys. Mix it up.
Max: No, I don’t wanna win you in a fight. You know I want you. If you wanna be with this shrimp, So be it. I just want you to be happy.
Elka: Oh, Max, that’s so you. And I love that.
Max: You do?
Elka: Of course. That’s why I’m your girl, and always will be. I’m sorry, Nick.
Nick: Yeah, yeah. That’s all right, I gave it my best shot.
Max: Who can blame you?
Elka: You know, there’ll be a whole sea of blue hair at the luau tonight. How about you just go and dive in?
Nick: Uh-oh. Oh, I’m sorry, I was just picturing it. Hi, Evelyn. Love your shirt.
those coconuts real?

Melanie: Excuse me. Can I get a stick of butter, please?
Victoria: I know you’re upset, but let’s not go crazy.
Melanie: I’m not gonna eat it, I can’t get this ring off.
Joy: Well, I’m glad you told Anders off. And I hope this cures you of your belief in all that romantic comedy nonsense.
Melanie: I hear music swelling.
Pete: Hi. Is this your wedding ring?
Melanie: Well, it was.
Pet: So it’s mine now?
Melanie: No, it’s complicated.
Pet: Well, how about I buy you a drink and you explain it to me?
Melanie: I’d like that. I’m Melanie.
Pete: Nice to meet you, Melanie. I’m Pete.
Melanie: Nice to meet you, Pete.
Joy: What are you doing?
Victoria: Hey, she caught one by accident, imagine if we aimed?
Joy: Unbelievable.
Victoria: Shut up, I hear music swelling.
Waitress: Here’s your butter. Enjoy.
Joy: Oh, what the hell.
Elka: Desperate much?

Hot in Cleveland S01, Ep06 – Meet the Parents

Season: 1
Episode:6
Title: Meet The Parents
Original Air Date: July 21, 2010


Guest Stars:
Hal Linden: Alex
Juliet Mills: Philipa
Shirley Knight: Loretta


Synopsis: The ladies come back from a farmers market to learn that Melanie’s Mother called and Elka invited her to come visit. Victoria then invites her father as well. Joy’s mother joins the visit via video chat. Which prompts Joy to drink a bottle of wine. Both Melanie and Victoria have it out with their parents. At Stormi’s they feel guilty so they head home to apologize, only to find Melanie’s mom Loretta in bed with Victoria’s dad Alex. After the melt down they have an adult conversation. They resolve some more issues. Joy says good night to her Mum and Victoria and Melanie say good night to their parents. Later, Elka unable to sleep is bedazzling in the kitchen and Alex assists her while putting his arms around her.


Click on either link to grab the first season of the show, it’s a great way to support the ladies and have some serious laughs.

Amazon Hot in Cleveland: Season 1

iTunes Hot in Cleveland, Season 1 – Hot in Cleveland


Favorite Quotes:

* Joy: Oh, come on, your mum’s as sweet as pie. All mine does is criticize me.
Elka: I like her already.

* Joy: Oh, my mother would never step foot in this country. That’s why I moved here.

* Alex: I don’t watch that much television.
Victoria: Of course not. It doesn’t have a mirrored surface.

* Melanie: Mmm, my favorite, hot spinach and breath dip.

* Joy: I don’t know what you two are complaining about. Your parents are leaving tomorrow. Mine’s gone viral.

* Joy: I suddenly felt a chill. It’s almost like there’s a sinister presence in the room.
Elka: Good news, Joy– your mother came after all. She’s my new Internet buddy.

* Philipa: You know, Rejoyla, when you’re snarky, something unfortunate happens to your face.
Elka: She knows. I tell her all the time.

* Melanie: She just wants me to stay at home and eat. I was raised like a veal.

* Joy: Why do Americans always feel that spewing their emotions will make them feel better? In Britain, if we have a family dispute, we follow a time-honored tradition passed down from one generation to another.
Melanie: What’s that?
Joy: We get rat-assed drunk. I’ll be back with more wine.

* Melanie: What happened to getting rat-assed drunk?
Joy: It’s too late for her. We can only save ourselves.

* Joy: I keep telling you people never change. That’s why instead of confronting my mum, I’ve consumed an entire bottle of wine.
Victoria: You don’t seem that drunk.
Joy: Oh, we English never do. The alcohol is neutralized by our bottled-up anger.

* Victoria: Could you at least have the decency to wait until you’re out of one friend’s Mother’s bed before you hit on another one?

* Alex: You see, I was merely scratching her itch.

* Elka: Really? Do you think I’m just another one of these silly women who can’t resist your dime-store charm?
Alex: My apologies.
Elka: I didn’t say stop.


Transcript:

Melanie: Hey.
Elka: So how was the farmers’ market?
Melanie: Weird.
Joy: In L.A., a farmers’ market means Sushi, pate, and gelato.
Victoria: This was just a bunch of stuff grown by farmers.
Elka: Your mother called, by the way.
Melanie: Oh, no.
Joy: Did you tell her I was dead?  Wait. Whose mother called?
Elka: Melanie’s.
Joy: Oh, thank God.
Elka: She wants to come for a visit, and I told her this weekend would be good.
Melanie: No! Why did you say that?
Elka: Because I knew this would be your reaction. You’re fun to fluster.
Joy: Oh, come on, your mum’s as sweet as pie. All mine does is criticize me.
Elka: I like her already.
Melanie: At least yours isn’t insanely overprotective. All my life my mom was afraid I’d get sick or hurt or lost. Halloween–I was only allowed to trick-or-treat at two houses, mine and my grandparents. And I had to wear my coat over my costume. And then when I took the candy home, I had to throw it away, because there might be razor blades in it.
Victoria: From your grandparents?
Melanie: My mother trusted no one.
Victoria: Well, in my house, it was all about my father. That man is monumentally self-absorbed.
Joy: Well, my–
Victoria: Joy, please, I am not finished. He’s just one of those actors who thinks the whole world revolves around him.
Elka: You know–
Victoria: Why is everyone interrupting me?
Elka: My father and I argued about everything. The last fight we had was about whether or not the gun was loaded. Two days later, bam-o! Heart attack.
Melanie: Oh, my God.
Elka: Your parents aren’t gonna be around forever.
(Elka leaves and comes back) Bam-o!
Victoria: You know, I do owe my father a visit.
Joy: And I owe my mother a son-in-law and grandchild. I know, because she reminds me every two minutes.
Melanie: Well, my mother is coming. So why don’t you just invite your dad and your mom here?
Joy: Oh, my mother would never step foot in this country. That’s why I moved here.
Victoria: I could invite my father, but watch out. I mean, he hits on everything that moves.
Elka: I like him already.

Alex: Actually, I feel quite at home here in Cleveland. When I last played the play house, I received six curtain calls and three hotel keys.
Victoria: You know when I played Honor St. Raven–
Alex: It was a little gem called the Tempest. You know, Victoria could have done Shakespeare had she not squandered her talent on television.
Melanie: She got fan favorite plaque from TV guide.
Victoria: Not helping.
Joy: She was really very good on Edge of Tomorrow.
Alex: I don’t watch that much television.
Victoria: Of course not. It doesn’t have a mirrored surface.
Melanie: Sorry about the drill. My mom couldn’t relax until she put a dead bolt on the back door. So where were we?
Alex: Curtain calls, comma, mine. I believe I set my personal record at the broadhurst– ten. You remember, Victoria. That was the night I invited your sorority sisters to my dressing room.
Victoria: Yes, yes, I remembered that to various therapists for years to come.
Loretta: You girls, You were just asking to be robbed and murdered. Oh, now, can I get you anything– some more chips or–or a cocktail napkin?
Melanie: Ma, ma, ma, no, we just want more of you. You haven’t sat for two minutes.
Loretta: Oh, no, no, no, let me do that. It’s hot.
Melanie: Mmm, my favorite, hot spinach and breath dip.
Loretta: You look cold. Are you cold?
Melanie: No, I’m fine.
Loretta: I’m going to get you my shawl.
Alex: I must say, Melanie– divorce becomes you, as it has me, several times. And, Joy, you look as lovely as ever.
Joy: Oh thank you, Alex. You look great too.
Alex: Oh, thank you. I like to think I can still play the romantic lead.
Victoria: I like to think I had a happy childhood. (to Joy) Will you please stop smiling?
Joy: I can’t. Deep down I feel bad for you, but everywhere else, I’m just so happy my mother’s an ocean away.
Loretta: There you are. That’s better.
Melanie: Thanks, mom. Thanks. Now, will you please sit down?
Loretta: Oh, of course. Oh! But first I have to give you your housewarming present. Now, I didn’t know what you needed, so I just brought you some sunscreen and a new rape whistle.
Melanie: Gee, thanks. ‘Cause nothing warms a home like a rape whistle.
Loretta: Somebody’s getting cranky. Your blood sugar must be low. Here, eat some cheese. Oh, are you still having trouble with your irritable bowel? Her sister used to call her “smellanie.”
Alex: We used to call Victoria “sticktoria” Built like a boy.
Joy (laughing hysterically): I’m sorry. I’m just so happy.
Victoria: What just happened?
Joy: I suddenly felt a chill. It’s almost like there’s a sinister presence in the room.
Elka: Good news, Joy– your mother came after all. She’s my new Internet buddy.
Joy: Mother?
Philipa: Oh, dear God. What’s going on around your eyes?
Joy: How did this happen?
Philipa: Elka video-messaged me back after you so rudely logged off on me the other day.
Joy: Well, you’d already criticized my hair, my clothes, and my posture. I thought we were done.
Philipa: You know, Rejoyla, when you’re snarky, something unfortunate happens to your face.
Elka: She knows. I tell her all the time.

Joy: So this is where you two are hiding.
Melanie: Yeah, I told my mom I smelled gas. That should keep her busy for a while.
Victoria: Oh, it’s crazy, I know, but what, my father’s been here two days, and I’m reverting to this 12-year-old needy little girl again. Do you know I became an actress because I thought it would get his attention?
Melanie: I thought you said it was because the drama geeks had better drugs.
Victoria: I didn’t say it was the only reason.
Melanie: Well, my mom hasn’t let me leave the house since she got here. It’s my childhood all over again. She just wants me to stay at home and eat. I was raised like a veal.
Victoria: Hmm. That’s better than being raised by a ham who tries to pork everybody.
Joy: I don’t know what you two are complaining about. Your parents are leaving tomorrow. Mine’s gone viral.
Victoria: You know, if I thought it would do any good, I would tell my father off. He just wants what he wants when he wants it without any regard for how it might affect me.
Melanie: Boy, I would just love to tell my Mom how I really feel.
Joy: Why do Americans always feel that spewing their emotions will make them feel better? In Britain, if we have a family dispute, we follow a time-honored tradition passed down from one generation to another.
Melanie: What’s that?
Joy: We get rat-assed drunk. I’ll be back with more wine.

Elka: No, no, no. No, no. No, you do the shot first, then the beer.
Philipa: Brilliant. Wait till I tell the garden club.
Elka: Oh, hi, Joy. I’ll leave you two. I’ve got work to do. These tracksuits don’t bedazzle themselves.
Joy: Hello, Mum.
Philipa: Darling, don’t slouch.
Joy: I’m standing perfectly straight.
Philipa: And that’s just sad. Speaking of sad, are you dating anyone?
Joy: Bye, Mum.
Alex: Having a bit of a dustup with the dear old mater?
Joy: Oh, you know.
Alex: You don’t have to tell me. I intuit. I also see someone in–in dire need of some tension reduction. Here, let’s get the ball rolling.
Joy: Oh, that’s quite all right, Mr. Chase.
Alex: Oh, please. Alex. Mr. Chase is what it says on my dressing-room door.
Joy: Oh, hey, it’s my good friend, your daughter, Victoria.
Victoria: You have got to be kidding me.
Joy: I’ll just go drink this on the porch.
Alex: Victoria–
Victoria: Daddy, I think it’s time that you and I had a little talk.

Melanie: Where’s Victoria?
Joy: Having a chat with her Dad.
Melanie: What happened to getting rat-assed drunk?
Joy: It’s too late for her. We can only save ourselves.
Loretta: I’ve sniffed everywhere–no gas. But I’m a little concerned about radon.
Melanie: Ma, you can’t smell radon.
Loretta: That’s what concerns me.
Melanie: Why don’t you just go get dressed for dinner?
Loretta: Oh, why don’t we just stay in?
Melanie: Ma, I already told you I would like to take you out to dinner. I made reservations.
Loretta: But it’s getting dark. And most car accidents happen at dusk.
Melanie: Ma, you know what? You got to stop, ’cause you’re driving me crazy.
Joy: Oh, uh, I’ll just go drink this somewhere where people aren’t.
Melanie: I think we need to talk.

Melanie: Oh, my God. My skin is tingling.
Victoria: That was such a rush.
Melanie: I know. My adrenaline is really pumping. Do you think that burns calories? I feel like it does. I’m gonna order fries.
Victoria: First, I told him I was upset because he hit on Joy. And that led to how he ignores my feelings and belittles my career. And then I just went to town.
Melanie: Me too! I told my Mom no more dead bolts or rape whistles. Being afraid is no way to live your life. And then I turned it on her. I said, “for once in your life, take a damn risk!” Yes, I said “damn” to my mother.
Victoria: I said damn too. I said, “Listen, Daddy. You keep your damn hands off my friends and start hitting on women your own age.”
Melanie: You go, girl! Wait, do people still say that?
Victoria: No, I mean, drag queens maybe. But I really appreciate the sentiment.
Melanie: Oh, where did you get that?
Joy: At the bar. Are you two still celebrating?
Victoria: Yes, and it feels great.
Melanie: You know what? You should try it with your mom, because if you don’t tell her how you feel, she’s not gonna change.
Joy: I keep telling you people never change. That’s why instead of confronting my mum, I’ve consumed an entire bottle of wine.
Victoria: You don’t seem that drunk.
Joy: Oh, we English never do. The alcohol is neutralized by our bottled-up anger.
Melanie: That doesn’t sound very healthy.
Joy: Oh, I’m sure I’ll die well before my time. It’s better than seeing the heartbroken look on my Mum’s face if I did tell her off.
Melanie: My Mom did seem a little crushed when I left.
Victoria: Yeah, my Dad seemed pretty upset, and I could tell it was real, because he didn’t use any gestures or cheek to his good side.
Melanie: I feel bad.
Victoria: Me too.
Melanie: My Mom’s probably at home in bed crying.
Victoria: And Daddy’s probably feeling old and unloved.
Melanie: We should go home and apologize. Joy, do you need to pay for that?
Joy: No. It’s free-hamburger night. I just got it off the bar.
Victoria: There’s no such thing as free-hamburger night.
Joy: Oh, I suppose the missing bite should have tipped me off. I guess I’m drunker than I thought.

Melanie: Mom? Ma, you awake? Hey. I’m sorry to bother you. I just–I wanted to apologize about earlier.
Loretta: Apology accepted. You were absolutely right. Uh, can we talk about this in the morning?
Melanie: Oh, yeah, sure. Oh, ma.
Loretta: Oh, sweetie, you don’t have to hug me.
Melanie: Well, of course I want to hug you. Is that a foot?
Loretta: I certainly hope so.
Alex: Actually, I’ve never been measured.
Melanie: What is going on here? What are you doing?
Alex: Nothing, yet.
Melanie: No, no. Nothing ever. You’re a married woman.
Loretta: You’re the one that told me to take a risk.
Melanie: I meant like driving at night or eating something hot you don’t blow on first.
Alex: I could say something, but I won’t.
Joy: What’s all the noise in here?
Victoria: Daddy, what are you doing?
Alex: Exactly what you told me to do. Loretta’s not one of your friends. She’s my age.
Loretta: Well, actually I’m–
Alex: Approximately.
Melanie: I’m sorry. I just need to not be here right now.
Victoria: This is unbelievable. And to think that I came here to apologize to you.
Elka: What’s going on in here? Whoa, Philipa, you called it.
Victoria: How could you possibly think that this is what I was talking about?
Philipa: Rejoyla, move. I can’t see.
Alex: Well, look who’s here. Aren’t we enchanting?
Victoria: Could you at least have the decency to wait until you’re out of one friend’s Mother’s bed before you hit on another one?
Joy: You certainly move on quickly. It wasn’t an hour ago, you were giving me the old reach-around.
Philipa: Maybe if you didn’t slap on the makeup with a trowel.
Elka: I’d high-five you if I could.

Melanie: I’m in shock. I thought my parents had a happy marriage.
Victoria: I thought my third husband was straight. Well, you see what you want to see.
Philipa: Psst. Psst. Over here.
Joy: Mum?
Philipa: Elka left me here. We had a row. She said you weren’t very bright. And I said you’re extremely bright. You’re just lazy. What’s going on?
Joy: Well, right now Alex and Loretta are making the walk of shame down the hallway. We’ll give you four some privacy.
Loretta: Melanie, I just feel terrible. I hurt my little girl.
Melanie: You know what? Maybe that’s the problem– ’cause I’m not your little girl anymore. We’re all adults, and this is a very adult situation. So why don’t we just talk to one another– adult-to-adult.
Loretta: Okay. Well, your father and I haven’t had sexual relations in years.
Melanie: Okay.
Loretta: And a woman has needs.
Melanie: True.
Alex: You see, I was merely scratching her itch.
Victoria: In other words, you were taking advantage of her.
Loretta: No. I wanted it, badly.
Melanie: Good to know.
Loretta: Your father won’t even get a prescription for erectile dysfunction.
Alex: Well, that’s an issue I’ve never had to deal with. I dare say I had more encores in the bedroom than I’ve had on the stage.
Victoria: Oh, Daddy, really?
Alex: Ah, I-I-I’m sensing that’s one of the “all about me” moments you were referring to before.
Melanie: Ma, you know I know you’re going through a tough time, but if you’re really that unhappy with daddy, you need to talk to him.
Loretta: You’re right. But you’re also right about me needing to take more risks. So when Alex came up behind me and cupped–
Melanie: oh! Moving on.
Loretta: I see you moving to a new city and going for what you want. You’re so brave. I wanted to be like you.
Melanie: Mom.
Alex: In hindsight, perhaps I might have been a bit more sensitive, taken your feelings into consideration a bit more before I so innocently flirted with your friends. And their mothers.
Victoria: Well, I suppose I could stay mad at you. Or I could accept you the way you are, the way you’ve always been, and the way you will be until the day you die. But I really do hope that you live forever, because I love you.
Loretta: What a lovely speech.
Alex: Yes, I believe you delivered that to Dr. Stewart Boyd on Edge of Tomorrow.
Victoria: You did watch the show.
Alex: I’ve caught a few occasionally– rubbish for the most part, but, uh, I must say your scenes were quite moving.
Victoria: Oh, thank you, Daddy.
Philipa: Americans are such saps.
Joy: All that emotional spillage.
Philipa: Indeed.
Joy: We’re good, right?
Philipa: Of course, my girl.
Joy: Good night, Mum.
Philipa: You’re as drunk as I am, aren’t you?
Joy: I certainly am.

Alex: Ah. Good evening. Couldn’t sleep. Perhaps I’ll have some hot milk.
Elka: I couldn’t either. I-I wanted to finish this, but my bedazzler keeps getting stuck.
Alex: Maybe I can help. Let me see.
Elka: Really? Do you think I’m just another one of these silly women who can’t resist your dime-store charm?
Alex: My apologies.
Elka: I didn’t say stop.

Hot in Cleveland S01, Ep05 – Good Neighbors

Season: 1
Episode: 5
Title: Good Neighbors
Original Air Date: July 14, 2010


Guest Stars:
Carl Reiner: Max
Wayne Knight: Rick
Robin Thede: Janet
Greg Winter: Neighbor


Synopsis: Elka changes her hair to Elmo red. Victoria gets a big Japanese product endorsement for Mrs. Ladypants. Melanie throws a party to get to know her neighbors but winds up making an ass out of herself with Rick. Her party ends rather suddenly when she accidentally started a fire. Rick is a writer and Melanie is worried he’ll write something bad about her so she sneaks into his house to read the article. They read the article and find all is well. They go back to the house where Melanie realizes that she left a bottle of wine with a note from her and worries Rick will find it and know she broke in. She races back over to retrieve the wine. However, Rick is there. He invites her in and she apologies. They are getting along well and she snags the wine and gives it to him. He heads out to open the wine but when Melanie says she doesn’t need any, she’s ready to go, he misinterprets her meaning and disrobes. She’s horrified. Meanwhile, at the house Elka comes home and is upset about her hair. She no longer wants to go to the prom. Joy offers to fix her hair. When Melanie comes back she tells Victoria what happened at Rick’s and asks were Joy is. She is shocked to learn that Joy is helping Elka. Max arrives to take Elka to the senior senior prom. Elka comes out, looking gorgeous. Joy was able to save her hair. Before they leave Elka thanks Joy. The next morning Victoria shows the ladies her Mrs. Ladypants commercial. It’s rather shocking. After she leaves the room Joy says she already saw it online. Melanie says she did as well. Elka tells them she posted it. Joy high fives her.


Click on either link to grab the first season of the show, it’s a great way to support the ladies and have some serious laughs.

Amazon Hot in Cleveland: Season 1

iTunes Hot in Cleveland, Season 1 – Hot in Cleveland


Favorite Quotes:

* Elka: Yeah, if you think piranhas surrounding a baby seal is cute.

* Elka: She takes hormone replacements. I can’t compete with someone who’s doping.

* Joy: Well some of us happen to like a little pollution.

* Joy: Let her have her moment or I’ll tell him about your diapers.

* Joy: Well why do I have to? You’re the one who went all Don Rickles on Cleveland.

* Melanie: Are you wearing your diaper pants?

* Elka: Ok. Let’s do it, bones.

* Melanie: I was admiring your balls.

* Max: You are breathtaking. Which, at my age, is dangerous.

* Joy: When do we tell her it’s all over the Internet?
Melanie: Oh I know. I saw it too.
Elka: I posted it.
Joy: Good one (Joy and Elka high five)


Transcript:

Melanie: The strangest thing just happened to me. I had a conversation with a neighbor.
Joy: Wow. I never even saw my neighbors in L.A. Except during earthquakes.
Victoria: Sometimes we’d pull out of our driveways at the same time and as our electronic gates were opening, I’d think, I don’t even know their names, and they don’t know mine. And the world was good.
Melanie: Well that was the L.A. us. Here, we’re gonna get to know our neighbors. In fact, I’m throwing a party. Tomorrow. Look at me being all spontaneous.
Elka: I changed my hair.
Melanie: Elka. Why would I mean, why?
Elka: I wanted something fresh. I found a picture in a magazine, and I gave it to my hair stylist.
Joy: Was it a picture of Elmo?
Elka: This red hair comes with a temper. I will cut you.
Victoria: Okay, Red, what’s going on?
Elka: Max invited me to the senior senior prom.
Melanie: That is so cute.
Elka: Yeah, if you think piranhas surrounding a baby seal is cute.
Victoria: Ah, so the ladies love Max, huh?
Elka: Especially Agnes Bradford. Or should I say fat-ass hag-ford.
Melanie: She doesn’t sound like much of a rival.
Elka: She takes hormone replacements. I can’t compete with someone who’s doping. I have to take it up a notch. Now I just need the dress to make it all pop.
Joy: Don’t forget the red nose and floppy shoes.
(cell phone rings) (ringtone: Oh, my God. Is that Victoria Chase?)
Joy: New ringtone?
Victoria: Don’t judge. It’s my Agent. He sent a text, but I can’t read it. My glasses are upstairs. No, a little further. Good, good. A Japanese company wants me to do a commercial. Years of honing my craft, and finally my dream is coming true.
Melanie: Your dream is to do a Japanese commercial?
Victoria: No. To sell out for an obscene amount of money.
Elka: What’s the product?
Victoria: I’m not sure. Beneficial dryness force. Probably some sort of antiperspirant.
Joy: That’s not so bad. A lot of a-listers do it. I heard Brad Pitt did a Japanese commercial for baby formula.
Victoria: I know, and now nutrition breast juice wow is, like, the number one brand.
Melanie: Hey Elka, you never told us what your senior prom theme was.
Joy: Let me guess a night to try to remember?
Elka: Let’s play a game. Raise your hand if you’ve got a boyfriend.

Joy: Cupcakes are up.
Melanie: Actually, they’re Ohio cakes. see ’cause they’re round on the ends and high in the middle. Get it? O-hi-o.
Joy: Are you sure you’re not high in the middle?
Melanie: I just want to make a good impression. I got Great Lake Latkes. And I have Drew Curry with Lebron rice. And to wash it all down, some cold, delicious Cuyahoga River Punch. You know that River was so polluted, it actually caught fire once. But they cleaned it all up.
Joy: Well some of us happen to like a little pollution.
Victoria: Look, my agent just sent a box of ozawa industrial brothers Mrs. Ladypant beneficial dryness force.
Melanie: Mrs. Ladypants. I’m thinking it’s not an antiperspirant.
Victoria: “Say greeting to Mrs. Ladypant. For best good times, be on dry.”
Melanie: That’s weird. There’s, like, something in there. Like a a pad or a diaper.
Victoria: What are you talking about? They’re pants. With an attractive inner padding. On their butt.
Joy: Oh give it up, darling. It’s a diaper.
Victoria: It’s not a diaper! It’s pants. And they’re comfortable and perfectly stylish, and I love them. And they are paying me a ton of money to “Preserve Freshness of crotch.” As pants do. So just lay off.
Melanie: Isn’t this great? Look how happy and relaxed everyone is.
Joy: I know. In L.A., by now, I’d have had at least one conversation where someone’s looking past me to find someone more important.
Victoria: Yeah, I hate that.
Melanie: And don’t you just love how everyone seems to have worn whatever? Look at those women. Their hair is still wet. It took me an hour and a half to blow this dry. Maybe we should take a lesson from them.
Victoria: Or maybe they could take a blow dryer from us.
Rick: Hello, ladies.
Melanie: Hello.
Rick: I’m Rick from across the street. And, yes, I do smell of fish.
Melanie: We weren’t gonna say anything.
Rick: I just had a glorious morning fishing on Lake Erie. Maybe I could bring you some muskie some time.
Victoria: Ah what a lovely offer. There’s that fish smell.
Joy: So are you a fisherman?
Rick: No, I work for the Plain Dealer. I write a column on Cleveland, what I like, what I don’t like. What I would like is to interview you, Melanie. It’s quite a thing to get a best-selling author.
Victoria: And a famous actress. Crazy, huh?
Melanie: I’m not really an author. One book, you know. Jotted down 200 things I wanted to do one day. But it did sell like crazy.
Victoria: Although it wasn’t on television for 27 years.
Joy: Let her have her moment or I’ll tell him about your diapers.
Victoria: Pants.
Joy: Diapers.
Rick: So was moving to Cleveland one of your list things?
Melanie: Oh God no. Before I came here, I thought you know, Cleveland was one of those places people came from but they never went to.
Rick: So what made you choose Cleveland over L.A.?
Melanie: Oh gosh, where do I start? In L.A., everyone is so thin and perfect. It really starts to mess with your self-esteem. But here, I feel great.
Rick: I see.
Melanie: No wait. I think I’m not communicating very well.
Victoria: You know Rick, Melanie isn’t as accustomed to being interviewed as I am. So maybe you could just let her have a few moments to gather her thoughts and go grab something to eat?
Rick: Right, why don’t I just go feed my fat, ugly face.
Melanie: You forgot smelly. What is wrong with me? How did that happen? I meant to say that people in L.A. are vain and superficial. I got to fix this.
Victoria: Just let it go. You try to fix that, you will only make it worse.
Melanie: But he’s our neighbor. And a columnist. I don’t want him not to like me.
I like being likeable. Not to brag, but it’s kind of my thing.
Joy: You should be able to tolerate someone not liking you.
Melanie: You’re right. I mean a ton of people don’t like you, and you’re fine with it. I’m gonna staple my mouth shut. As soon as I fix this. I’m just I’m sorry. I’d like to explain. When I said that people in L.A. are perfect and thin, I did not mean to imply that everyone here is fat and ugly. I just mean, people in L.A., they’re abnormally thin. Right? Everyone here is normal. They’re healthy. I don’t know if I would use healthy. ‘Cause, there have been studies, and it’s ver – ooh -What I mean to say is that, here, you can relax, you know, and let yourself go.
Victoria: You see it happening, but there’s nothing you can do about it.
Rick: So you think we’ve let ourselves go.
Melanie: I meant that, here, life is simpler. It’s like going back in time.
Rick: So we’re backward.
Melanie: No, no, my God. Why aren’t you understanding this?
Rick: Just simple, I guess.
Victoria: I was wrong. She fixed it.
Melanie: How about we all have some Cuyahoga River punch? (Melanie knocks a lighted candle into the punch and it catches fire)
Rick: That River hasn’t caught fire in 40 years.
Melanie: I’m sorry. Let me explain.
Rick: Oh, no, that’s all right. I got a column to write.
Melanie: No, No, I love Cleveland. I love Lebron. Or I don’t. You tell me! Frankly, you guys are a little wishy-washy on that one.
Joy: It’s a fabulous party.
Victoria: Really.
Melanie: What am I gonna do?
Joy: Oh stop worrying so much. Cleveland’s a rock and roll town. Lots of party end with fire.
Melanie: I can’t help but worry, ’cause if Rick is writing the article I think he’s writing about me, the whole city’s gonna hate me.
Joy: Oh just leave it alone. It’ll blow over.
Melanie: I know what I have to do. I have to go across the street and talk to him. And he’ll see that I’m a nice person, because I’m sure he’s a nice person, right?
Joy: Right, because your plan has worked so well up to this point.
Melanie: Yeah I know. That’s why you’re gonna come over there and back me up.
Joy: Well why do I have to? You’re the one who went all Don Rickles on Cleveland.
Melanie: Where’s Victoria? I’m gonna need her too.
Joy: Upstairs, trying on her pants. I don’t think we want to interrupt that.

Melanie: Do you think he’ll like the wine? Or does it seem pretentious? Should I have brought beer? Or is that insulting? God, is this from California? Do they make Cleveland wine?
Joy: What did we say about too many questions in a row?
Melanie: I know I’m doing it again, aren’t I? What’s wrong with me? What is it with me and questions?
Joy: He’s not home. We’ll try again later.
Melanie: Wait, no. I see his computer. It’s got writing on it. It says, “Melanie Moretti is a horrible person.”
Joy: How can you read that from here?
Melanie: I just know. We have to sneak in and read it.
Joy: What?
Melanie: Don’t you see? If it’s not bad, then I’ll just relax. But if it’s terrible, someone who really cares about me could delete it.
Joy: Wait. What’s that noise?
Victoria: I can’t believe you left without me.
Melanie: Are you wearing your diaper pants?
Victoria: Stop saying that. It is the Mrs. Ladypant beneficial dryness force. I have to wear it at least once before I can legally say, “I feel as fresh as Mt. Fuji.” So are we breaking into or what?
Joy: You don’t even know why we’re breaking in.
Victoria: I’m assuming it’s either to read his column or delete it.
Melanie: See?
Victoria: All right.
Melanie: Wait, you go first. You have padding. God, I can’t look. What’s it say?
Victoria: Oh, my God.
Melanie: What? What? Is it bad?
Victoria: It’s terrible. He doesn’t even mention me.
Melanie: Oh it’s not bad at all. He just says I’m a well-meaning klutz.
Victoria: I guess that trumps award-nominated actress.
Melanie: I am so relieved.
Joy: Then what are you doing?
Melanie: Changing my age, of course. Ok come on. Let’s go. And don’t leave any smudges on the window panes. I don’t want him to know anybody’s been here. Wait, wait, I can still get away with 41.

Melanie: I can’t believe we just did that. My heart is still pounding.
Victoria: I haven’t felt this excited about getting away with something since I convinced my fourth husband that I was still a virgin. Now that was some acting.
Joy: Well I say that we celebrate now that it’s all over. How about we open that bottle of wine you were gonna give to Rick?
Melanie: No!
Joy: Ok something else.
Melanie: No. I mean, it’s still there. I forgot to bring it out with me, and it’s got a note on it from me. He’s gonna know I was there.
Victoria: Oh Great. Well we better hurry.
Melanie: No. You make too much noise. Just text me if you see him coming. I’ll be right back. Hey, Elka.
Joy: Hi Elka. Is that your dress?
Elka: Don’t start with me.
Victoria: Hey, what’s wrong?
Elka: My hair. I got a good look at myself in the dress shop. I look like little orphan granny. Why didn’t you say something?
Joy: Well to be fair, I did say you looked like Elmo, and I had a couple of good bozo jokes at the ready too.
Elka: I’m not gonna even go to that stupid prom. All the cool seniors stay home anyway.
Joy: Oh, get back here, Raggedy Ann. Last one. You know, I’m not just an eyebrow expert. I’m good with all kinds of unwanted hair. I can help you.
Elka: You’re in cahoots with fat-ass hag-ford, aren’t you?
Victoria: Now you may not realize this, Elka, but we are in the presence of a genius. Ill-tempered, disagreeable, snarky, yes. But I would trust her with my life, and more importantly, with my hair.
Joy: I know we can be hard on each other, but you have my word. I will do whatever I can with that. And if it doesn’t work, we can park you at the end of a runway. All right, there was one more.
Elka: Ok. Let’s do it, bones.
Joy: I’m sorry. Who?
Elka: Joy.
Joy: Thank you.
Elka: Bones. I said Bones, is what I said.

Rick: Hello, Melanie.
Melanie: Oh, my, you have a beautiful home. I hope I’m not disturbing you.
Rick: On, not at all. I’m just not really dressed for company.
Melanie: Oh what are talking about? You’re dressed just fine. Very distinctive. I love a robe.
Rick: Thank you. So..
Melanie: So Rick, I just wanted to see you again.
Rick: Really?
Melanie: Yeah ’cause you know, there was tension between us earlier in the day.
Rick: You felt it too?
Melanie: Please, it was pretty obvious. And then I got all flustered, and I made it worse.
Rick: Well, you’re not flustered now.
Melanie: Nope. ‘Cause we’re neighbors. Maybe even more than neighbors. We’re friends, right?
Rick: I hope so.
Melanie: Quite a swordfish you got there.
Rick: Oh thank you. It’s a sailfish actually. Took me three hours to land him. Boy, I loved every second. There’s something about the struggle of man against beast that. I don’t know. I guess the only word for it would be primal. Something catch your interest?
Melanie: I was admiring your balls.
Rick: Really? That’s refreshing. Most women aren’t interested in my balls. Go ahead. Touch them.
Melanie: Wow. Smooth.
Rick: They’re shellacked. Is that a bottle of wine?
Melanie: Oh yea. It’s sort of a peace offering.
Rick: I didn’t notice it before.
Melanie: Well I was waiting for the right moment. And now it’s here. Here.
Rick: Look, why don’t I get some glasses and you make yourself comfortable?
Melanie: That would be lovely.
Rick: I’m so glad you came over. I knew I’d see you again. I didn’t think it would be this soon.
Melanie: Really? I was afraid you didn’t like me.
Rick: Oh I like you. I like you a lot.
Melanie: You know what, I don’t need the wine. I’m ready to go now.
Rick: As am I.

Melanie: I don’t think it’s gonna be a very nice article after all.
Victoria: Oh my God. What happened?
Melanie: Let’s just say there are worse things than not having people like you. Where’s Joy?
Victoria: Helping Elka get ready for prom.
Melanie: Really? Joy?
Victoria: How is she?
Joy: Well, it was touch and go for a minute. Almost had to use a local anesthetic, but she’ll make it.
(doorbell rings)
Elka: That’s Max. I’m not ready!
Melanie: Ah Max, you look so handsome.
Max: When I wear the suit, I feel ten years younger. Which is still 20 years older than I’d like to be.
Melanie: Please come in.
Victoria: Hi Max.
Elka: Is everybody ready?
Max: You are breathtaking. Which, at my age, is dangerous.
Elka: My eyes are up here.
Max: Just taking it all in. You are gonna be prom queen for sure.
Elka: Why, thank you. Not Agnes Bradford?
Max: You mean Hagnes Fatford?
Elka: Max, that’s terrible.
Max: Shall we?
Elka: Thanks for your help.
Joy: It was nothing. I hope this marks a turning point in our–
Elka: You fixed my hair. Let’s not go crazy.
Joy: She’s all yours.
Max: Thank you.
Elka: Plan to fix your own breakfast.

Joy: He didn’t change his column. You’re still a well-meaning klutz who’s only 41.
Melanie: Should have tried for 39.
Victoria: Ok, take everything you used to think about beneficial dryness force products and throw it away.
Melanie: Okay. Done.
(Victoria’s commercial plays) Victoria: I feel as fresh as mt. Fuji. Dry for my lifetime like a knife. Is it the water? Or is it the day? For relaxing times, make it ladypant time. Ozawa industrial brothers, you are the friend in my pants.
(the ladies applaud)
Victoria: It wasn’t my classiest endeavor. But just remember, it’s only airing in Japan. Thank God.
(Victoria’s cell phone goes off)
Victoria: It’s probably my Agent, calling to blow smoke up my well, you know.
Joy: When do we tell her it’s all over the Internet?
Melanie: Oh I know. I saw it too.
Elka: I posted it.
Joy: Good one (Joy and Elka high five)

Hot in Cleveland S01, Ep04 – The Sex That Got Away

Season: 1
Episode: 4
Title: The Sex that Got Away
Original Air Date: July 7, 2010


Guest Stars:
Huey Lewis: Johnny Revere
Amy Yasbeck: Hailey Nash
Shaughn Buchholz: Bartender
Michelle Noh: Cynthia
Vincent M. Ward: Bodyguard


Synopsis: The girls, Elka included, go to a party at the Rock n Roll Hall of Fame. Melanie wants to meet her idle Hailey Nash. Elka wants to see Willie Nelson. Victoria wants to throw a drink in Johnny Revere’s face. Melanie winds up groping Hailey Nash, not once but twice. Victoria leaves the party to meet Johnny at his hotel. He apologizes for the way he treated her. They try to recreate their drunken 20s sex and both wind up injured. Instead they have grown up sex. Back at the house Melanie and Joy sit on the porch and jealously discuss all the sex Victoria is having. When she arrives home they talk. Hailey Nash stops by to give Melanie the cd she left to get signed. They sit on the couch and talk. The Hailey kisses Melanie, who confesses she did not know Hailey was gay and that she was straight. Hailey leaves rather quickly.


Click on either link to grab the first season of the show, it’s a great way to support the ladies and have some serious laughs.

Amazon Hot in Cleveland: Season 1

iTunes Hot in Cleveland, Season 1 – Hot in Cleveland


Favorite Quotes:

* Elka: What’s goin’ on?
Joy: Victoria’s having a senior moment.
Elka: Oh, I have those all the time. I can be walking along happy as a clam, and suddenly I get this overwhelming urge to hit some young person with a stick.

* Melanie: Oh! Tonight, I am going to do two things from my book. I’m gonna crash a party and meet my idol.
Victoria: And I am coming with you.
Joy: What? Why? Weren’t we just mocking her? I’m confused.

* Victoria: Anyway, now that I’m famous and Johnny is a museum piece, it is going to be such a pleasure to finally be able to throw a drink right in his face.

* Joy: Ooh, that sounds very satisfying. I’ve never thrown a drink at a man. I mean, I’ve slapped a couple of faces, egged a few cars, set the odd house on fire. But a drink in the face? That’s gonna be fun.

* Victoria: Uh, scotch with enough rocks to leave bruises.

* Melanie: Oh, my gosh. I just motor-boated Hailey Nash’s breasts.

* Joy: There are a lot of layers to that little onion.

* Joy: Well, that was the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen, and I used to wax Roseanne.

* Victoria: It may interest you to know that tonight Johnny Revere and I are going to have the kind of smoking hot sex that children only read about in story books.
Melanie: Come on, he’s callous and misogynous, and I don’t even think he showered today.
Victoria: That’s okay, I’ll just lick him clean.

* Victoria: You know, before I met Johnny, I didn’t know the meaning of depravity or hotel blacklisting.

* Joy: I am not swapping knickers with you.

* Joy: Do you think I carry a portable waxing kit?
Victoria: Joy, please.
Joy: Okay, fine. I’ll MacGyver it.

* Johnny: You know, there were a lot of hot women at that party tonight, but none of them could hold a candle to you.
Victoria: That’s what you think.

* Hailey Nash: What is it with you and my breasts?
Melanie: I’m just a really big fan.

* Victoria: Well, no girl wants to hear that! Of course you were a bastard, that’s what made you so exciting.

* Melanie: Oh, I paid the bartender to slip her an apology and a Cd to autograph. So that way if I get it back in the mail, I know she’s forgiven me.
Joy: And if you get a restraining order, you’ll know she hasn’t.

* Joy: I better go and help her. Yesterday she pulled a bra muscle.


Transcript:

Victoria: Ice. I need ice.
Joy: I realize it’s happy hour somewhere, but isn’t it a bit early even for you?
Victoria: This happens to be an emergency. I pulled a muscle fastening my bra.
Elka: What’s goin’ on?
Joy: Victoria’s having a senior moment.
Elka: Oh, I have those all the time. I can be walking along happy as a clam, and suddenly I get this overwhelming urge to hit some young person with a stick.
Melanie: Hey, guys, look at this! Another sign I’m meant to be in Cleveland. The Rock and Roll Hall of Fame is having a huge party. All these rock stars are donating their guitars, – and Hailey Nash is one of them.
Victoria: Oh, lord, Hailey Nash? All those dreadful female empowerment songs?
Joy: Her music takes me back to a time when music sucked.
Melanie: Well, I love Hailey’s songs. It reminds me of prom night.
Joy: They played Hailey Nash at your prom?
Melanie: No, in my room. Nobody asked me to the prom. Course, that was during my corrective shoe years.
Victoria: Was that before or after your headgear years?
Melanie: There was some overlap. But Hailey got me through it. Oh! Tonight, I am going to do two things from my book. I’m gonna crash a party and meet my idol.
Victoria: And I am coming with you.
Joy: What? Why? Weren’t we just mocking her? I’m confused.
Victoria: That bastard Johnny Revere is gonna be there.
Melanie: You know Johnny Revere?
Victoria: Every inch of him. One night, he pulled me from the audience to dance on stage and gave me a backstage pass to the best six months of my life.
Joy: So why is he a bastard?
Victoria: Because halfway through the tour, he left me stranded on a corner in Winslow, Arizona.
Melanie: Wait, isn’t that an Eagles song?
Victoria: Never tell Don Henley anything in confidence when you’re doing shots.
Melanie: Why did you never tell us?
Victoria: Because it was just too humiliating.
Joy: Oh, is he the one who gave you the–
Victoria: No, no, no, that was Warren Beatty. Anyway, now that I’m famous and Johnny is a museum piece, it is going to be such a pleasure to finally be able to throw a drink right in his face.
Joy: Ooh, that sounds very satisfying. I’ve never thrown a drink at a man. I mean, I’ve slapped a couple of faces, egged a few cars, set the odd house on fire. But a drink in the face? That’s gonna be fun.

Victoria: I don’t see Johnny anywhere. Just a sea of ’70s hair and ’90s hairpieces.
Joy: Some of these rockers look remarkably well-preserved. Forget Botox. I’m going straight to heroin.
Victoria: I can’t believe that after all these years, I am finally going to throw a drink in Johnny’s face.
Bartender: What can I get you ladies?
Victoria: Uh, scotch with enough rocks to leave bruises.
Melanie: Oh, my gosh. I just motor-boated Hailey Nash’s breasts.
Victoria: Go on.
Melanie: No, it was an insane accident. I–I was turning a corner, and I tripped, and I fell face-first into her cleavage, and then my earring got caught, and I was wrestling free.
Joy: What did you say to her?
Melanie: “Soft.”
Joy: What?
Melanie: Well, I was thinking “sorry,” but I was also thinking “soft,” and the wrong one came out.
Elka: Any of you over-age groupies seen Willie Nelson?
Melanie: Elka, what are you doing here?
Elka: Well, whenever Willie’s in town, I always bake him brownies.
Joy: I knew it. (smells a brownie) Wait. These are just brownies.
Elka: Of course they are. What are you smoking? Young man.
Bodyguard: Yes?
Elka: Well, you’re a lot to take in, aren’t you? Oh, uh, have you seen the redheaded stranger anywhere?
Bodyguard: Come on, shawty, let’s check in the V.I.P. section.
Elka: Oh, will Jay-Z be there?
Joy: There are a lot of layers to that little onion.
Victoria: Oh, there’s Johnny. Oh, my God, he spotted me. He’s coming over. Okay, this is it. Um, where’s my ammunition?
Joy: Here. Right, keep your elbow low, follow through with your swing. Remember, this is for every woman who ever got dumped by a heartless bastard.
Johnny: Victoria!
Victoria: Johnny.
Johnny: Wow! You look frickin’ amazing.
Victoria: Oh, why, thank you.
Johnny: Seriously, you look even sexier in person than you did on your show.
Victoria: You watched Edge of Tomorrow?
Johnny: Sure. I was always bragging to the roadies how I used to drill you like the Gulf of Mexico.
Victoria: You still don’t follow the news, do you?
Cynthia: Excuse me. Mr. Revere, they need you in the press room.
Johnny: The price of fame.
Victoria: I know it well.
Johnny: You know, it’s too bad you’re with your friends, or you could come by the hotel later.
Victoria: Oh, they’re not my friends.
Johnny: St. Regent, top floor.
Joy: Well, that was the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen, and I used to wax Roseanne.
Victoria: Well, I couldn’t help it. Watchin’ that bad-boy swagger sent chills down my spine I haven’t felt in years.
Melanie: He didn’t even apologize!
Victoria: I know. How hot was that?
Elka: Still here, huh? You know, with all these pretty young girls around, you last-call Connies don’t stand a chance.
Victoria: It may interest you to know that tonight Johnny Revere and I are going to have the kind of smoking hot sex that children only read about in story books.
Melanie: Come on, he’s callous and misogynous, and I don’t even think he showered today.
Victoria: That’s okay, I’ll just lick him clean.
Melanie: Victoria! This is a mistake! Don’t be a holla back girl. Am I using that right? ‘Cause it felt right.
Joy: Oh, let it go, Mel. There’s no girlfriend block for bad-boy sex.
Melanie: You’re right. Its power is too strong.
Joy: That guilty thrill you get just being with him.
Melanie: That desperate desire you have to change him.
Elka: And that delicious little tickle that comes from knowing you never could. What? You think there weren’t bad boys in Poland in the ’30s?
Victoria: You know, before I met Johnny, I didn’t know the meaning of depravity or hotel blacklisting. There was this one time on a credenza. Oh, my God. I mean, no surface was safe. Oh, we did it on coffee tables, club chairs, and this one really memorable Thanksgiving, in a bathtub full of sweet potatoes and gravy.
Joy: Okay, before we get to what you did with the turkey legs, think. If you sleep with him, he’ll just dump you again, and then he’ll be the one that got away again.
Victoria: Who cares? He’s not the man that got away. He’s the sex that got away, and tonight I am getting it back.
Melanie: Well, just make sure none of those old feelings come back with it.
Victoria: Oh, please, I am not that nubile little ninny who used to prance around naked on his balcony– oh, my God! He hasn’t seen me naked since I was in my 20s!
Joy: Ooh, forget diamonds. After 40, covers are a girl’s best friend.
Elka: Word to the wise. A smart jockey always sits straight up on the horse. See, you’re the jockey, and he’s –
Victoria: Yes, yes, we understand.
Elka: It’s so your boobs don’t flop to the side and get lost in your back fat.
Joy: Are you as turned on as I am?
Victoria: God, this is a disaster. I’m not even dressed for sex. (to Joy) Trade underwear with me.
Melanie: Why do you automatically ask Joy and not me?
Victoria: Because cotton is the fabric of your life, darling, not mine.
Melanie: Cotton breathes.
Victoria: All right.
Joy: I am not swapping knickers with you.
Victoria: Okay, okay, but I am definitely gonna need an emergency wax.
Elka: Well, your eyebrows look fine.
Victoria: It’s not my eyebrows I’m worried about.
Joy: Do you think I carry a portable waxing kit?
Victoria: Joy, please.
Joy: Okay, fine. I’ll MacGyver it.
Melanie: Oh, my God, are you guys crazy? Do you know how much that’s gonna hurt?
Victoria: But it’s worth it, because tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1979.
Elka: You want a ride home? Willie loaned me the limo.
Melanie: Oh, thanks, but no, no. I have to stick around. I have to find Hailey Nash and apologize to her for sticking my face in her boobs. Hey, I don’t suppose Willie knows her.
Elka: By now, Willie doesn’t know his own name.

Victoria: Hey, you.
Johnny: Hey, sexy, come on in. You okay?
Victoria: No, I’m fine.
Johnny: You know, there were a lot of hot women at that party tonight, but none of them could hold a candle to you.
Victoria: That’s what you think.

Bartender: Sure I can’t get you something stronger?
Melanie: No, no, no, I have to keep my wits about me. I accidentally groped Hailey Nash, so I need to apologize to her.
Bartender: Well, here’s your chance. She’s right behind you.
Hailey Nash: You again?
Melanie: I’m sorry! Oh, Ms. Nash, I’m so sorry! Oh! It’s just seltzer, so it won’t stain. So there’s really no reason for me to be doing this.
Hailey Nash: What is it with you and my breasts?
Melanie: I’m just a really big fan.
Hailey Nash: So I gather.
Melanie: I mean, I’m a fan of you, not your breasts. But not that I’m not a fan of your breasts.

Johnny: So, what are you drinking?
Victoria: What are you pouring?
Johnny: Well, nothing for me. The booze doesn’t mesh with the drugs.
Victoria: Huh, that never stopped you before.
Johnny: Yeah, that was my old liver. You’re still a bourbon girl?
Victoria: It’ll do for starters.
Johnny: You know that couch doesn’t bite.
Victoria: Oh, you know, I think I’m more in a credenza kind of mood.
Johnny: Mercy. You always did look good on mahogany.
Victoria: Well, I’ve always been partial to good solid wood.
Johnny: I seem to remember that.
Victoria: I seem to remember been covered in creme fraiche and caviar. So, what’s on the menu tonight?
Johnny: A grilled chicken breast and steamed vegetables.
Victoria: Wow, how stoned are you?
Johnny: Stoned?
Victoria: What drugs are you on then?
Johnny: Celebrex and lipator.
Victoria: Ah, you’re joking, right?
Johnny: No. I’m a different guy now. In fact that’s why I invited you up here tonight. To apologize.
Victoria: Apologize?
Johnny: Yeah. I was a selfish bastard when we were together, and I really feel bad about the way I treated you.
Victoria: Uh-huh. I see.
Johnny: So, um, are we good?
Victoria: You have got a lot of nerve, pal!
Johnny: What? All I said was I’m sorry.
Victoria: Well, no girl wants to hear that! Of course you were a bastard, that’s what made you so exciting.
Johnny: So why are you mad now?
Victoria: I thought you invited me up here for some high-octane sex, not a low-cholesterol snack and some crybaby apology!
Johnny: Whoa, I didn’t know. I’m sorry. My bad.
Victoria: Bad? You’re practically a boy scout! Whatever happened to that bad boy who used to bounce me around like a jai alai ball?
Johnny: You think I still can’t?
Victoria: Oh, please. Why don’t you just help some old lady across the street? God, what a waste of a wax job this turned out to be!
Johnny: Heart-shaped?
Victoria: Well, it was the plan, but it turned out kind of shamrock-y.
Johnny: Is it magically delicious?
Victoria: Well, this is supposed to be a reunion.
Johnny: Then let’s make it one.
Victoria: Oh, you think you’re up to it?
Johnny: You think you can still handle it?
Victoria: Vegas rules?
Johnny: No holds barred.
Victoria: Safe word “Hendrix.”
Johnny: First stop credenza.
Victoria: What? Am I pinching your nipple too hard?
Johnny: No, it’s my knee.
Victoria: Okay. No, to the right, to the right, to the right. Oh! Oh! Ow, my lower back.
Johnny: You too?
Victoria: Ah! Ah! Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa! My hair is caught on something!
Johnny: It’s my medic-alert bracelet.
Victoria: All right. Here quick, – hold on.
Johnny: What?
Victoria: Uh, I need to be on top.
Johnny: Why?
Victoria: Because I’m the jockey, and you’re– oh, just do it! Aah! Wait, stop! I pulled a muscle this morning.
Johnny: Well, I just wrenched my shoulder, but I think we should play through it.
Victoria: No, no, no! Let go! Let go! Oh, ow, ow, oh! Agony! Oh, I’m sorry. Oh. Oh my. I can’t even move my left arm.
Johnny: Well, um, seeing as how your right arm’s still working. What? I’m a bad boy.
Victoria: You’re an idiot. God, this is so not how I remembered it.
Johnny: Apparently a lot of the things we used to do are pretty painful if you’re not wasted.
Victoria: Yeah, or 20.
Johnny: I suppose we could just have low-key grown-up sex.
Victoria: Uh, thanks, but why ruin the memories?
Johnny: We were something together, though, weren’t we?
Victoria: Yeah. At least we’ll always have something degrading to look back on.
Johnny: Aw, maybe it’d be better if we didn’t. I mean, you can’t miss what you never had.
Victoria: I’m still glad we had it.
Johnny: Me too. You know, my orthopedist showed me a little trick.
Victoria: Yeah? Oh! Oh, God, that’s good. Oh. So what’s the deal? I mean, you barely move and you pull a muscle?
Johnny: I know, right? The other day I got a back spasm putting on a sock.

Joy: Here we are having a wholesome Sunday morning, and Victoria’s probably skulking through some hotel lobby with her knickers stuffed in her purse and her blouse inside out. Lucky trollop.
Melanie: Well, she’s got less to be ashamed of than I do. I just hope when Hailey gets my note, she forgives me.
Joy: What note?
Melanie: Oh, I paid the bartender to slip her an apology and a Cd to autograph. So that way if I get it back in the mail, I know she’s forgiven me.
Joy: And if you get a restraining order, you’ll know she hasn’t.
Melanie: Oh, no.
Joy: Oh, they’re not that bad. You’d be surprised how much trash talking you can do from 300 feet.
Melanie: Oh, here comes the lucky trollop now.
Victoria: Somebody please turn out that hideous light in the sky.
Joy: You’re looking properly debased and debauched.
Melanie: Was the insensitive mauling everything you hoped?
Victoria: He was thoughtful and caring and very unselfish in bed.
Joy: You poor thing.
Melanie: Are you okay?
Victoria: I’m more than okay. You know, we didn’t do our whole catalog, but we managed a medley of greatest hits. And then this morning he ate his egg whites and turkey bacon off the small of my back.
Hailey Nash: Um, Melanie?
Joy: Breathe. I don’t see a restraining order.
Victoria: Ah, you’d think being best friends with a famous celebrity she’d be over this by now, but –
Hailey Nash: Is your blouse inside out?
Victoria: Excuse me.
Joy: I better go and help her. Yesterday she pulled a bra muscle.
Hailey Nash: You all live here together?
Melanie: Yeah. It’s like a big slumber party. I can’t believe you’re here. Please, come in and sit down. Wow, this is crazy. I mean, I just– this is like a fantasy come true for me.
Hailey Nash: Hey, I, um, brought that Cd you wanted me to sign. Your note was very sweet.
Melanie: Oh, and I meant every word of it. You are You’re just amazing, and you’re so beautiful. I mean, I can’t even begin to tell you everything that’s in my heart, but I hope you know what I mean because I (Hailey Nash kisses Melanie) did not see that comin’.
Hailey Nash: Yeah, I know. I don’t usually get involved with my fans, but your passes last night were so clumsy and pathetic. It was actually kind of adorable.
Melanie: This is clearly gonna come as a surprise to you, but I had no idea you were gay.
Hailey Nash: Seriously?
Melanie: Not that it matters, ’cause I’m like totally down with that. You know, I mean I’m down with other people being down with that. But that’s not how I get down.
Hailey Nash: Wait, I don’t get it. How could you not know?
Melanie: Well, why would I?
Hailey Nash: Well, for starters, that Cd you’re holding’s called I like girls.
Melanie: Oh, so your song “love my honey pot”
Hailey Nash: Wait, so the note that you wrote me that said that my music had given you the courage, you know, to let the woman inside you come out
Melanie: Ohh, right. Yeah. I can see how that would be misleading.
Hailey Nash: Yeah, but your friends upstairs, helping each other with their bra– Melanie: Not gay, either.
Hailey Nash: Well, you enjoy that CD.
Melanie: I’m sorry. Oh! Bye.
Elka: “Love my honey pot”? A clue maybe?

Joy: Oh, don’t feel so bad, Melanie. I didn’t know about Elton John or George Michael. I thought he wanted my sex.
Melanie: I didn’t even know the village people were gay.
Victoria: Yeah, they kind of ruined that whole cowboys with short shorts and a mustache look for straight guys.
Elka: In my day, nobody knew anything about anyone. Rock Hudson, Tab Hunter. I had a big thing for Liberace.
Melanie: You thought Liberace was straight?
Elka: I could have turned him.