Title: Kitchen Nightmare
Original Air Date: April 29, 2015
Jim O’Heir: Ross
Marla Sokoloff: Chloe
Tate Ellington: Kameron
Federico Dordei: Fabrice
John Kassir: The Pope
John Colella: Gil
Reamy Hall: Heidi
Click on either link to grab the sixth season of the show, it’s a great way to support the ladies and have some serious laughs.
* Elka: Remind me not to get crotchety like you when I get old.
* Joy: You knocked out our chef?
* Joy: Five-minute rule, right?
Victoria: I thought it was the five-second rule.
Joy: Not tonight.
* Pope: Are you breaking up with me?
Elka: I want to see other papal.
Elka: They canceled your show?
Melanie: Yes. The radio station wants a younger, hipper audience. All I keep hearing is younger younger younger. Youth was fine when I was young but enough is enough.
Elka: Remind me not to get crotchety like you when I get old.
Melanie: Well, obviously I’m just gonna have to reinvent myself, but I don’t want to rush it. I just need to take my time and do some real soul-searching.
Joy: The sign outside said this place is for sale.
Melanie: I’ll buy it.
Melanie: I’ve always thought running a restaurant would be fun. It’ll be a new challenge for me.
Elka: I already gave you a new challenge. Where’s my date?
Melanie: Elka is upset that we’re not getting each other dates for our birthdays this year, because she’s found the perfect guy.
Elka: The Pope.
Joy: The Pope?
Elka: I’m adorable. He’s infallible. We could be a power couple.
Victoria: Look at this. No, don’t look at it. It’s Vanity Fair’s “Where are they now?” issue.
Melanie: Oh, that’s your favorite issue. That’s where you make fun of all the celebrities who are no longer relevant oh.
Victoria: Well, it is so unfair. You make a series of terrible career choices, and you go from Oscar winner to nobody just like that. Oh, I guess I’m just gonna have to think long and hard about how to reinvent myself.
Melanie: I’m reinventing myself by buying this restaurant.
Victoria: I’m in. All A-listers have restaurants, you know, and restaurants aren’t like acting. They’re stable and profitable.
Melanie: Well, great, we’re gonna be partners. How about you, Joy?
Joy: Oh, I can’t right now. My focus is on Bob and me adopting the perfect baby, and we think we’ve found one. [phone beeps] Oh, it’s from Chloe, the mother. She read my application and loved it. “Just one concern. Detective work is so dangerous.” “Not a problem. Just bought a restaurant.” I’m in too.
Melanie: Yay, we’re gonna own this restaurant together!
Victoria: Oh, let them say, “Where is Victoria Chase now?” Because the answer is, “She’s in her fabulous restaurant.” So how are we gonna make this place fabulous?
Elka: Two words: bacon bowls.
Melanie: What’s that?
Elka: Four words: bowls made of bacon.
Melanie: Yeah, no, I think we’re gonna aim a little higher than that. I’m gonna start looking for a hot new chef.
Victoria: Okay, and I know a fantastic sommelier back in L. A., and he adores me. Fabrice, it’s your favorite actress.
Fabrice: Victoria Chase? Is that really you?
Victoria: Oh, I was just telling everyone how much I adore you and miss you.
Fabrice: Oh, ma cherie, I totally miss you too.
Victoria: I’m opening a restaurant in Cleveland, and I can’t imagine doing it without you by my side.
Fabrice: What are you saying, Victoria?
Victoria: I’m saying I want you. I want you here. I want you now.
Fabrice: I will do it for you. She loves me.
Melanie: Oh, it’s so exciting!
Joy: I know. I invited Chloe, my baby mama. Turns out she’s a foodie, so it’s perfect.
Fabrice: Victoria, I’ve chosen this for the first course, an elegant Californian with great legs, just like you, cherie.
Fabrice: Oh vous. Oh, isn’t it great the way you can flirt with Frenchmen and it means absolutely nothing?
Fabrice: I’m going to marry that woman.
Melanie: Look at him. I still can’t believe I got Martha Stewart’s personal chef. Everything smells great, Kameron.
Kameron: Thank you.
Joy: Wow. So you cooked for all those big parties Martha threw.
Kameron: God, no. I only cooked for her.
Joy: But you’ve cooked in a restaurant before.
Kameron: Nope. This is pretty cool. I like this big fridge.
Joy: Melanie, you hired a chef who’s never cooked for more than one person?
Melanie: I don’t know; all I heard was “Martha Stewart,” and I thought, “It’s a good thing.”
Victoria: Well, thank God someone competent hired the wait staff. They’re all actors, and I didn’t think I could get them, with open auditions for Book of Mormon right around the corner.
Melanie: Wait! No! Wait!
Joy: Oh, no! We lost our wait staff.
Melanie: This is a disaster.
Kameron: Ladies, please, stop yelling. I can’t handle it when a middle-aged woman is yelling. That’s why Martha fired me.
both: She fired you?
Kameron: Stop yelling. I can’t cook if you’re yelling.
Melanie: Kameron, Kameron, everything’s fine. We’re all calmed down. We don’t have any waiters.
Joy: And our chef is unstable.
Victoria: And we open in 15 minutes.
Melanie: It’ll be fine.
Victoria: It’ll be fine.
Joy: It’ll be fine.
Joy: Kameron, excuse us.
[all three go into the freezer and scream]
[all cheer] [applause]
Victoria: Not bad. We got everyone seated. Now all we have to do is serve the food. This just might work.
Melanie: Oh, God, Elka is here with the dog?
Joy: You handle that. My baby mama, Chloe, just walked in. Wish me luck.
Melanie: Elka, why did you bring George Clooney? It’s a health code violation.
Elka: I want to get him blessed by the Pope.
Melanie: I told you, the Pope is not coming.
Elka: Did you send that picture I gave you?
Melanie: Yes, and as a Catholic, I have to tell you that I was very uncomfortable sending that to the Vatican.
Elka: If you sent it, he’ll be here.
Pope: Hola, Elka.
Melanie: Holy fuugger.
Elka: Good evening, your holiness.
Pope: Please, call me Francis. Tonight I am just a man.
Elka: And I am just a woman. Beat it, Melanie.
Melanie: Oh, my God, the restaurant critic. Hide him! Hello. Hi, Ross Michaels.
Ross: Yes. Yes, yes, listen. I am so excited about your new restaurant, especially your chef, who is using some [talking inaudibly]
Melanie: Forgive me. I think I missed that last part.
Ross: Oh, I’m sorry, it’s just that when I heard that Victoria Chase was one of the owners, I thought, “Well, this is gonna be one of the biggest” [talking inaudibly]
Chloe: It’s so great that you’re opening a restaurant. I was thinking about being a chef myself when I was younger.
Joy: Well, it was time for a change. The detective business was so dangerous.
Chloe: I’m so relieved to hear you say that. It’s really important to me that the baby be raised in a safe environment.
Joy: No place safer than a restaurant.
Chloe: So will your fiancé be here soon?
Joy: Oh, unfortunately, no. He’s out of the country on business.
Chloe: Oh, he’s not coming? I’m sorry, Joy. I’m gonna need to meet him too. And full disclosure, there’s another couple interested in the baby, and I like them very much.
Joy: Wait, no! Brring! Oh, a text. Bob’s back in the country and in the kitchen. I’ll go get him. You’re gonna love him.
Joy: I need a fiancé.
Joy: Chloe is gonna leave unless I produce Bob.
Victoria: Got it. Uh, Fabrice, my love. Would you pretend to be Joy’s fiancé for the evening?
Fabrice: Would that make you love me even more?
Victoria: How could I love you even more?
Fabrice: Then I don’t have to do it?
Victoria: Yes, you have to do it.
Melanie: The restaurant critic is here.
Victoria: Oh, great, I’ll go out there and charm him so we get a good review.
Melanie: Okay, but just so you know, he’s a trailer-offer.
Victoria: A trailer-offer?
Melanie: Yeah, he starts strong, but his voice trails off, and then he peters out.
Victoria: So he’s a trailer-offer peter-outer. Got it.
Melanie: Kameron, where’s the kitchen staff?
Kameron: I fired them.
Kameron: They kept saying things like, “Where’s the food? People are hungry.” Is that what happens in a normal restaurant? ‘Cause it is really stressful.
Melanie: So you’re gonna do everything yourself?
Kameron: Yeah, it’ll just take a little longer. Taste.
Melanie: Oh, my God. That is the most amazing thing I’ve ever tasted.
Kameron: Nope. It’s over seasoned.
Melanie: Oh, no! That was the first course! Are you out of your mind?
Kameron: I’m sorry. Just stop yelling at me.
Melanie: Okay, okay, Kameron. Kameron, everything’s fine. Everything’s fine. You can do this, okay? I’m gonna be here with you every step of the way, so let’s just make something new, shall we? You just tell me what you need.
Kameron: Okay. Grab that frying pan for me down there.
Melanie: Okay, frying pan. Which pan? This one?
Pope: Oh, Elka, you’re such a charming woman, but you know this can never be.
Elka: Back in the day, Popes got married.
Pope: What you say makes a lot of sense. I don’t know if it’s the champagne or your smile talking.
Elka: Let’s get you more of both.
Victoria: Ross Michaels. I know I’m just one star, but I hope you’ll give me four.
Ross: Oh! Well, I have to tell you that my first impression of your restaurant is that it is a very nice environment, and I’m [talking inaudibly]
Victoria: Well, you don’t hear that every day.
Fabrice: What’s going on there? Why are they flirting?
Joy: Get your head in the game. We need to convince Chloe that we deserve that baby.
Fabrice: But I have no interest in children.
Joy: Well, then think of something you are interested in, and pretend you’re talking about that.
Fabrice: Oh. Ooh, got it.
Joy: Chloe, this is my fiancé, Bob. I was just telling Chloe how much you love children.
Fabrice: Yes, yes, yes. I’m particularly passionate about the babies currently being produced in the Napa Valley.
Chloe: That’s so specific.
Joy: Bob loves kids from all regions.
Fabrice: Yes, but they must have a good, strong nose, and of course you want them to breathe.
Chloe: Is that even a question?
Fabrice: And I know it’s not the popular thing to say, but I prefer the white ones.
Melanie: Kameron? Kameron, buddy, wake up. Maybe a little wine. Yeah, that’s better.
Joy: Don’t you have a call to make, darling? [phone beeps] Oh, would you excuse me? I’m needed in the kitchen.
Victoria: [phone beeps] Oh, excuse me. Hold that thought. Or just keep talking. I can’t tell the difference.
Joy: You knocked out our chef?
Victoria: What will we serve people?
Melanie: Well, most of the crab ended up in a big clump in the trash. Maybe we could still use it?
Joy: Five-minute rule, right?
Victoria: I thought it was the five-second rule.
Joy: Not tonight.
Melanie: Wait, wait, wait. Shouldn’t we be wearing gloves?
Joy: Really? Now, Melanie?
Melanie: Dump. Oh, shoot, I dropped the crab. George Clooney got it.
Joy: It’s okay. We’re done. Let’s go.
Melanie: Well, we did it. We served the appetizers.
Victoria: This just might work.
Melanie: Oh, poor George Clooney. Honey, what did you eat that made you so sick? Oh, no. The crab.
Victoria: All right, we’ve got to un-serve those appetizers.
Joy: Let me get this out of your way.
Victoria: Hope you enjoyed it.
Melanie: Oh, save room for your entree.
Victoria: Oh, look, it’s Gordon Ramsay.
Melanie: This is a nightmare.
Victoria: We need to turn this around fast. I’ve already gotten press for being a failure. I need this to be successful.
Melanie: Oh, Kameron’s coming to. I’ll help him with the entrees. You go back to be with Chloe, and you go back to charming that critic.
Joy: Good plan.
Victoria: This just might work.
Both: Stop saying that!
Joy: Fabrice, how could you leave Chloe alone?
Fabrice: She’s not alone.
Fabrice: She’s with the other couple who wants the baby.
Joy: What? Let’s go, Bob.
Melanie: Hey, buddy, good nap?
Kameron: Why does my face hurt?
Melanie: I don’t know. I’m not a doctor. Come on, now. Let’s get started on those entrees. We got 30 customers waiting out there.
Kameron: 30? That’s a lot of people.
Melanie: Well, just think of it as cooking for one person 30 times.
Kameron: You know, I always intended to cook for more than one person. A long time ago, I cooked for two. There was this girl –
Melanie: A girl. I bet she was pretty and and tender, with an inch of fat like these pork chops.
Joy: So, Chloe, I didn’t realize you were expecting anyone else.
Chloe: Well, I wasn’t, but Gil and Heidi just happened to show up.
Gil: Well, the other day, Chloe mentioned that the older, unmarried woman who also wants the baby I guess that’s you owned a restaurant, so we just had to try it.
Joy: Oh, how nice. Although I can’t help noticing you already have a baby.
Heidi: Oh, no, this is my nephew.
Gil: He’s usually fussy, but Heidi’s a baby whisperer. She’s amazing with kids.
Joy: I am too. Right, Bob?
Fabrice: Yes, I am Bob.
Joy: In fact, just now I whispered a baby to sleep in the kitchen for our cook.
Gil: Really? I’d love to see that baby.
Chloe: Yeah, I would too.
Heidi: I think we all would.
Joy: And so you shall.
Joy: I need a baby.
Melanie: What do you mean, you need a baby?
Joy: I told Chloe I’m amazing with babies and that I had one in the kitchen. Oh, God, where am I gonna find something in here that looks like a baby? Oh, hello.
Victoria: Where the hell is the food?
Melanie: It’s coming. Just go flirt with the critic.
Victoria: You think I haven’t been doing that? I haven’t laughed so hard at things I don’t understand since my screen test with Jackie Chan.
Elka: Where’s the grub? My boyfriend’s hungry.
Melanie: The Pope is not your boyfriend.
Elka: He just tweeted he’s thinking about relaxing some rules. Hash-tag, blessed.
Melanie: Okay, the sooner you’re out of here, the sooner the food will come. Come on, everybody, out.
Joy: Here’s my baby. What do you think?
Melanie: The legs are hanging out. You’re gonna make a great mom.
Joy: I need a head.
Victoria: You are as delightful as you are handsome.
Ross: Oh, thank you, but if the food doesn’t come soon, I am sorry, but I might have to leave, and in my review, I am going to have to say that the service [talking inaudibly]
Victoria: Ross, if you could eat your own charm, you’d never go hungry.
Joy: She’s asleep now, but she wasn’t five minutes ago, right, Bob? Bob?
Fabrice: Why is she holding his hand? She’s driving me mad with jealousy.
Chloe: Do we know when the food’s coming? I’m starving.
Gil: You know, a woman that forgets to feed her customers might forget to feed a baby as well.
Joy: Don’t be ridiculous. It’s nearly here. Oh, here it is.
Melanie: We finally got one done. He is so slow.
Victoria: Okay, I need this for the critic.
Joy: No, I need that for my baby.
Pope: Please, God, a little food.
Elka: You’re good.
Fabrice: Now you’re giving him the lap dance? I thought you only loved me.
Victoria: What? Oh, Fabrice, look, I know that we flirted, but I’m not in love with you.
Fabrice: I left my job at the best restaurant in L. A. for you. Even worse, I pretend to be the fiancé of this desperate woman. I’ve had enough.
Joy: See you at home, Bob. Look, Chloe, I can explain.
Kameron: I forgot the garnish.
Kameron: Chloe? Is that really you?
Joy: You two know each other?
Chloe: Yeah, we went to culinary school together in Paris, and we fell in love, but then we lost touch.
Melanie: Wait, she’s the girl?
Kameron: She is. But you’re married.
Chloe: No, no, I’m not, and I was gonna give this baby up for adoption.
Heidi: That’s right, to us.
Joy: No, to me. Look, that wasn’t my fiancé. I told one little lie.
Ross: [sniffs] Do I smell roast chicken?
Joy: Oh, my God, my baby’s on fire. Okay, two little lies.
Pope: Wow, what a night.
Elka: How about we go somewhere where it’s dark and quiet?
Pope: So I can hear your confession?
Elka: Sure. After we’ve done something worth confessing about. So I come to Rome. Tell me about our perfect date.
Pope: Well, we kick off the night with theology study, then, if you’re up for it, wash the feet of some lepers. How does that sound?
Elka: Oh, I just remembered I’ve got a thing.
Pope: Are you breaking up with me?
Elka: I want to see other papal.
Joy: I’m actually happy Chloe and Kameron got together and decided to keep the baby. And whatever baby Bob and I end up with will be the perfect one.
Melanie: It will.
Elka: Well, I dumped the Pope.
Melanie: What happened?
Elka: Oh, it would never have worked out. I’m a dog person. He’s a leper person.
Melanie: Well, some things just aren’t meant to be. I mean, I did to this restaurant what the radio station did to me: change something that was working. So let’s just keep it the way it was.
Victoria: Agreed. And why did I go so crazy about that Vanity Fair “Where is she now?” thing? I mean, I know where I am. I’m right here with my friends. Plus, I had two men fighting over me.
Elka: Was one of them the Pope?
Elka: I win.
All: Cheers. Cheers.