Hot in Cleveland S06, Ep12 – One Wedding and One Funeral

Season: 6
Episode: 12
Title: One Wedding and One Funeral
Original Air Date: February 4, 2015


Guest Stars:
Brian Baumgartner: Claude
Missi Pyle: Canadian Joy
Dave Foley: Bob
Michael Burger: Frank
Juliocesar Chavez: Timmy


Synopsis: Melanie and Victoria drink champagne and toast Joy and Bob. However, Victoria hears a strange sound. She goes out on the porch and it’s a drone. She thinks it’s a paparazzi. Elka is in the process of breaking up with the mayor. Victoria hires Claude as her bodyguard to try and get more attention. Joy is upset. Bob came back with Canadian Joy and she worries she lost him. Claude arrives, distraught the he has lost the love of his life. In the kitchen Elka is trying to make an announcement to all. But Victoria is going on about Claude and Joy gets a text from Bob. Before everyone takes off Elka announces that the mayor is dead in her bed. Joy goes to Bob and the rest of the ladies try to figure out what to do. Bob informs Joy that Canadian Joy is pregnant and he’s going to marry her. She comes in and hands Joy a copy of the sonogram. She rushes home and shows the ladies. Victoria says it’s Brad Pitt and Angelia Jolie’s sonogram. Joy rushes back to tell Bob he’s been deceived buy Canadian Joy is waiting for her and ties her up. After Victoria realizes that Canadian Joy is Claude’s love they race to the office and rescue Joy. Claude gets an instagram about the wedding. They cannot get there in time. They use an iPad attached to neighbor Timmy’s drone to virtually stop the wedding. Claude and Canadian Joy get back together. Joy finally tells Bob she loves him. At the mayor’s house Melanie and Elka put the dead mayor back in his bed. As they are about to leave someone comes. The mayor was seeing someone in addition to Elka. She shoots his dead body.


Click on either link to grab the sixth season of the show, it’s a great way to support the ladies and have some serious laughs.

Amazon Hot in Cleveland: Season 6 (digital episodes not dvd, yet)

iTunes Hot in Cleveland, Season 6 – Hot in Cleveland


Favorite Quotes:

* Melanie: To Joy and Bob.
Victoria: To Joy and Bob. Without them, instead of toasting, we’d just be drinking at 2:00 in the afternoon.

* Joy: His old girlfriend from Canada, who’s a mean, scheming, gold digger.
Victoria: Bob has gold?

* Joy: According to her, his family are like the Kennedy’s of Saskatoon. Remember how we grew up dreaming about marrying John John? They grew up dreaming about marrying Bob Bob.

* Melanie: So you have to sleep with someone because they bought you a $40 piece of meat?
Elka: I’m a lady.

* Bob: Remember that time I was hitting on you in a really annoying way?
Joy: Which time?
Bob: The time you told me that it was never gonna happen between us and I should just go get laid.
Joy: Again, which time?

* Melanie: Sorry, Elka, you wanted to say something?
Elka: The mayor is dead. In my bed.
Melanie: The mayor is dead?
Elka: In my bed!
Victoria: Oh, my God. The mayor is dead?

* Melanie: You’re the Mayor of Cleveland? That’s so exciting! But so sad.
Elka: I’m the Mayor of Cleveland. Can you believe it? And so tragic.


Transcript:

Melanie: Previously on Hot in Cleveland:
Elka: There’s no reason we can’t be nice to each other for one night, Mr. Mayor.
Mayor: No reason at all, councilwoman.
Elka: So. I slept with the mayor.
Bob: Joy, Joy. Joy, Joy.
Joy: Joy.
Canadian Joy: Joy. I know you want him, but he’s mine. You make one move on him and I’ll chop you up and feed you to my sled dogs.

Melanie: To Joy and Bob.
Victoria: To Joy and Bob. Without them, instead of toasting, we’d just be drinking at 2:00 in the afternoon.
Melanie: It was just so romantic. Right now, Joy is telling Bob that she loves him.
Victoria: You know, I know he has a great personality, but I cannot imagine what kind of woman would ever want to sleep with Bob.
Melanie: You do remember that I slept with Bob.
Victoria: Oh, that’s right. Well, good for you. He’s super sexy.
[buzzing]
Victoria: Oh, my God. What is that sound? Oh, my God, it’s a drone.
Melanie: Why would we have a drone?
Victoria: No, not we, Melanie me.
Melanie: There’s a camera attached.
Victoria: That’s because it’s a paparazzi drone. All the biggest stars have drones hounding them. And of course, they hate them. And I hate mine! Actually, I love mine. Oh, no. Where’s it going? Did I come on too strong? ‘Cause they think I’m not pretty? Maybe he took my picture and it’s already on TMZ. Let’s go check.
Melanie: Oh, hey, Elka. What’s up?
Elka: I’m breaking up with the mayor.
Melanie: Aw, why?
Elka: Every time we make love, he asks me if I’m satisfied. It’s hard to respect that.
Melanie: So then, you’ve started the dance?
Victoria: What’s the dance?
Melanie: Oh, Elka’s five-step process to a successful breakup. Breakup, make-up sex, steak dinner, goodbye sex, and break up for real. So what step are you on?
Elka [pulls out a steak dinner swan]
Victoria: Well, there’s not a single photo of me on TMZ, Radar Online, or Pop Sugar. There are hundreds of drone shots of other celebrities. Rihanna–
Melanie: Oh, wait, who is she with?
Victoria: Her bodyguard. Oh, and there’s Victoria Beckham with her bodyguard, and Bruce Jenner with her bodyguard. Oh, my God! That’s what I need a bodyguard.
Melanie: Hey, Bob’s brother, Claude, he works as a bodyguard. I’ll text him.
Victoria: Hey, Joy! How did it go?
Joy: Horrible.
Victoria: Well, did you tell Bob you loved him?
Joy: I couldn’t. When I got there, he was with another woman. He’s already moved on. I blew it.
Melanie: Who is she?
Joy: His old girlfriend from Canada. Who’s a mean, scheming, gold digger.
Victoria: Bob has gold?
Joy: He’s loaded. According to her, his family are like the Kennedys of Saskatoon. Remember how we grew up dreaming about marrying John John? They grew up dreaming about marrying Bob Bob. She also said he’s amazing in bed. Melanie, is that true?
Melanie: Do you really want the answer?
Joy: Yes.
Melanie: He was fantastic.
Joy: I don’t need to hear that, Melanie!
Victoria: What are you gonna do?
Joy: I don’t know. I wanted to warn Bob about how awful she is, but I knew he wouldn’t believe me. She’s always sweet when he’s around, the devious bitch.
Victoria: Oh, but sweetie, you’re a devious bitch too. Surely you can out- maneuver her.
Elka: Yeah, don’t take it lying down. For once.
Joy: You’re right. I’m gonna go behind her back and tell Bob how I feel. I’m gonna fight for the man I love.
Elka: Well. It’s time for some goodbye sex with the mayor.
Victoria: I don’t understand why you didn’t just end it after the steak dinner.
Elka: Then man sprung for a $40 filet.
Melanie: So you have to sleep with someone because they bought you a $40 piece of meat?
Elka: I’m a lady.
[cell phone beeps]
Melanie: Oh! Claude’s says he’d love to be your bodyguard. He’ll be right here. [cell phone beeps] Claude says he’s on the porch. [cell phone beeps] Oh, Claude says he’s about to ring the doorbell. [cell phone beeps] Claude says he can’t find the doorbell.
Victoria: I remember Claude. He’s an idiot.
Melanie: Claude– He’ll be a fine bodyguard, he’s big. Big guys are always scary and intimidating.
Claude: I’m here to protect you, Victoria.

Melanie: Claude, what’s the matter?
Claude: I lost the woman I love. I am an empty shell of a man.
Victoria: Perfect. That’s all I need.
Claude: Okay. What exactly am I protecting you from?
Victoria: I just need you to look tough and menacing.
Claude: Mm hmm.
Victoria: So it seems like I’m being threatened.
Claude: Right.
Victoria: So you can pretend to shield me from the TMZ drone so it’ll take pictures of me.
Claude: Mm hmm. Right.
Victoria: And get me into the tabloids so it can keep me in the public eye.
Claude: Mm hmm. Is it okay if I don’t understand?

Joy: Bob. I’m so glad you’re here. Are you okay?
Bob: Yeah, I I think so.
Joy: What happened?
Bob: Joy is pregnant. I just found out I’m gonna be a dad.
Joy: Joy is pregnant?
Bob: Canadian Joy.
Joy: I know that. But you were just in Canada last week.
Bob: Uh, actually, it happened a couple of months ago. Remember that time I was hitting on you in a really annoying way?
Joy: Which time?
Bob: The time you told me that it was never gonna happen between us and I should just go get laid.
Joy: Again, which time?
Bob: Well, I took your advice. And I tried to find a sex partner in the States, but that was a no-go. So I headed north to my fall-back girl and back she fell.
Joy: I’m sure you’ll be a wonderful father.
Bob: Well, I’m gonna do my duty, Joy. I’m gonna get married as soon as possible. This whole thing isn’t what I had pictured for myself.
Joy: Oh? What did you picture for yourself?
Bob: Well–
Canadian Joy: Sweetheart, I made copies of our sonogram. One for my mom, one for your desk, darling, and here’s an extra one for you, Joy.
Joy: Thank you. Your baby’s beautiful.
Canadian Joy: Of course he is. Just like his dad. Listen, Joy, I wanted to apologize. I may have been a little hormonal when we spoke earlier.
Joy: Hormonal. Of course. Apology accepted. Well, good luck. To both of you.
Canadian Joy: To all three of us. Me, Bob Bob, and Bob Bob Bob.

Melanie: Hey, Elka.
Elka: I have some news.
Victoria: This is a disaster. That sad-sack bodyguard has been with me all day and no paparazzi. Ugh, the only drone was his voice in my ear, whining about the girl who got away.
Elka: I have some news.
Joy: It’s over. Canadian Joy is pregnant.
Victoria: What?
Melanie: Oh.
Joy: And here’s the sonogram to prove it.
Victoria: Wait a minute. This isn’t Bob’s baby, this is Shiloh Pitt.
Joy: What? How could you possibly know that?
Victoria: Well, because, it’s the most famous sonogram ever to be posted on the internet. I’d recognize Brad and Angelina’s beautiful fetus before I’d recognize my own.
Joy: Oh, my God. This means Canadian Joy isn’t really pregnant. I’m calling Bob.
Elka: I have some news.
Joy: Ugh Voicemail. Bob? You can’t marry Canadian Joy. Meet me alone at the office and I’ll explain.
Melanie: Sorry, Elka, you wanted to say something?
Elka: The mayor is dead. In my bed.
Melanie: The mayor is dead?
Elka: In my bed!
Victoria: Oh, my God. The mayor is dead? What happened?
Elka: You really want details? He was trying to impress me with how many push-ups he could do on top of me.
Victoria: All right, so so, what are we gonna do? Call the police, the hospital, the coroner?
Elka: No calls. I don’t want this to ruin his legacy.
Melanie: Elka’s right. Every time someone famous dies having sex, that’s the first thing people think about when their name is mentioned.
Joy: Then what do we do with the body?
Victoria: Exactly what we did with the governor’s body in my Lifetime Original Movie, What Do We Do With the Governor’s Body?
Melanie: Say we didn’t get around to seeing that particular movie.
Victoria: Oh, fine. All right, we sneak the mayor’s body back into his mansion, put him back in his own bed and then everyone thinks he died peacefully in his sleep.
[cell phone beeps]
Joy: It’s Bob. He’s heading to the office to meet me. I’ve got to go. Good luck to us all.
Victoria: Oh, you too, honey.
Melanie: Yeah. Okay so, how do we move the mayor?
Victoria: I never thought I would say this, but Claude might be helpful.
Melanie: No, that’s true. He just can’t know what he’s moving. We have to hide the body in something. I know! We can hide him in a rug like they did the first season of Downton Abbey.
Elka: That’s perfect.
Victoria: Oh, so that, you watch.

Melanie: Okay, come on. The coast is clear.
Claude: Why are we sneaking this rug out of your house?
Melanie: It’s a prank we’re playing on Joy.
Claude: Hmm, good one. This reminds me of Downton Abbey. You know what was in that rug? A dead body. People used to do stuff like that.
Melanie: Yeah, but that show’s so unbelievable. There’s my shoe!
Victoria: Oh, look. My paparazzi drone is back.
Melanie: Inside. Inside!
Victoria: Stop invading my privacy. I didn’t put on this gorgeous outfit and perfect daytime makeup for you.
Woman: Timmy! Stop bothering our neighbors with that stupid drone.
Victoria: Timmy? Timmy. Everyone, I have a devastating announcement to make. That stupid drone outside belongs to that creepy neighbor kid who came to our house a few months ago demanding candy.
Melanie: Victoria, it was Halloween.
Victoria: Oh. Hello, Timmy.
Timmy: Sorry about the drone.
Victoria: Well, what are you doing with that thing, anyway? And why were you following me?
Melanie: And me that drone was outside my window when I got out of my shower Oh, my God. How much did you see?
Timmy: Both of them.
Melanie: Go home!
Claude: That kid reminds me of me at that age. And now.
Melanie: Claude, why don’t you bring the car around back. We’ll carry the rug out that way.
Claude: Maybe you guys should get this rug cleaned. It smells like something died in it.
Victoria: So, no paparazzi drone. And the one we did have was spying on Mel, and not on me.
Melanie: Look, we still have to get rid of the mayor. Speaking of now that he’s gone, who takes his place?
Elka: Well, I did meet a cute guy at the post office. Oh you mean who’s mayor now.
Melanie: Yes, who’s next in line?
Elka: Uh President of the city council. [gasps] That’s me.
Melanie: You’re the Mayor of Cleveland? That’s so exciting! But so sad.
Elka: I’m the Mayor of Cleveland. Can you believe it? And so tragic.

Joy: Bob?
Canadian Joy: Hello, Joy. Surprised to see me?
Joy: Bob, you can’t marry Canadian Joy. Meet me alone at the office and I’ll explain.
Canadian Joy: I knew you’d try to contact Bob before the wedding, so I took his phone.
Joy: Well, I’m going to find Bob and tell him the truth.
Canadian Joy: Yeah, I can’t let you do that.
Joy: Just try and stop me. Fine, you’re faster and stronger than I thought, but eventually, someone will let me out.
Canadian Joy: Yes, but by that time, Bob and I will be married and on our honeymoon, where I will allow no cell phones. And when we return, I will be pregnant.
Joy: This is crazy you’re doing all this for the money?
Canadian Joy: It’s more than that. When I was a little girl, my mother worked as a maid for Bob’s family. I’d follow her around his big house on the hill and dream I belonged there. Bob’s family was always so much fun. There was always so much laughter.
Joy: I get that.
Canadian Joy: See, I’m not so crazy.
Joy: I guess you’re not.
Canadian Joy: I have to tape your mouth shut now. One more thing.
Joy: Ow!
Canadian Joy: You didn’t say anything about my dress.
Joy: You’re kidding.
Canadian Joy: Well despite what’s gone down here, this is my wedding day.
Joy: It’s lovely. Vera Wang?
Canadian Joy: She’s a genius, right?
Joy: She really is. When I get married, I want–

Victoria: Well, thanks for your help. You can go now, the job’s over.
Claude: But I’m so lonely.
Victoria: Oy.
Claude: The woman I love is getting married right now.
Victoria: I’m sure that you can find someone else. Maybe you just need to lower your standards a little.
Claude: I hear you, Victoria.
Victoria: Claude, what are you doing?
Claude: Lowering my standards.
Victoria: I didn’t mean me! I’m sorry, it’s just when the girl you love runs off to elope with your brother–
Victoria: Wait a minute, you mean your brother Bob? The girl you love is Canadian Joy?
Claude: Well, in Canada, we just call her Joy. It’s like the ginger ale. We just call it dry.
Victoria: No, Bob can’t be getting married now, he’s with Joy.
Claude: Which Joy? My Joy or your Joy?
Victoria: My Joy.
Claude: Okay, to avoid confusion, let’s call my Joy, my Joy and your Joy, your Joy.
Victoria: Well I need to find your Joy.
Claude: Are you talking about your Joy, my Joy, or my Joy, your Joy?
Victoria: I am talking about the Joy you told me to call your Joy because your Joy, you wanted to call my Joy, but I have no idea.
Claude: You’re not very bright, are you?

Victoria: Joy!
Joy: Ow!
Victoria: Oh, I’m sorry. Oh, but look. It took care of that little mustache.
Claude: Joy! Joy, who did this to you?
Joy: Canadian Joy. We have got to stop that wedding. Do you know where they are?
Claude: No. Think, Claude, think.
Victoria: Isn’t there some other option?
Claude: Wait when we were kids, Bob and I used to lie awake in our twin beds, dreaming about every detail of our nuptials as young boys do.
Joy: Claude, where are they getting married?
[cell phone dings]
Claude: Ooh. Here’s a clue Bob’s Instagram. Bob and Joy are hiking to the top of Mount Davis.
Joy: I’ll never catch up with them. How can I possibly get to the top of that mountain in time to stop the wedding?

[Bob sings Ave Maria]
Canadian Joy: Beautiful, Bob.
Bob: Thank you.
Preacher: Normally at this point in the ceremony, I ask if anyone present objects, but since there’s no one here to object–
Joy: I object.
Bob: Who said that?
Joy: I did.
Bob: Joy.
Joy: Bob, the sonogram she gave you it’s Brad Pitt’s baby.
Preacher: You slept with Brad Pitt?
Bob: Well, she has a type.
Joy: She stole the photo off the internet. She’s not really pregnant.
Bob: Is this true, Joy?
Canadian Joy: Yes, but let me explain. I’ve dreamed of being a part of your family my whole life. Can you understand how hard it is to want something for so long, getting so close, but knowing you can’t have it?
Claude: I understand.
Canadian Joy: Claude? What are you doing here?
Claude: I have loved you forever, Joy. And I don’t care what you did, I’m in love with you now.
Canadian Joy: Oh, Claude. Yes, I will marry you.
Claude: What? I was thinking more like drinks.
Canadian Joy: Oh, why did I go for the handsome bad boy when the bad boy’s even handsomer brother was here all along?
Claude: You never made any sense. Oh, my love.
Joy: Bob? I have something to say. I came to the office this morning to tell you I’ve fallen in love with you. That maybe I’ve been in love with you all along. You’re the nicest, kindest, sweetest man I’ve ever known.
Bob: And you’ve just made me the happiest. Joy, if I wasn’t on top of a mountain with another woman and you weren’t inside an iPad, I would kiss you so hard right now. Joy, I love you.
Joy: I love you, Bob.
Claude: I love you, Joy.
Canadian Joy: I love you, Claude.
Claude: I love you, bro.
Canadian Joy: I love you, bro. I love you, sis.
Joy: Yeah, I don’t think we’re there yet.

Melanie: It really looks like he died in his sleep. And And that’s what people will think.
Elka: We did a good thing.
Melanie: Technically, we committed a crime, moving a dead body. But that’s okay. No one will ever know. Let’s get out of here before someone shows up.
Elka: Yes.
[knock at door]
Melanie: Too late. Someone showed up. Ooh, quick. Get in the closet.
[knock at door]
Woman: Ted, I know you’re in there. I saw your car. There you are. Don’t pretend to be asleep, I smell her perfume on you.
Elka: That fool had another girlfriend. I’ll kill him.
Woman: You’re never gonna cheat on me again! [gunshots]
Melanie: Oh, God! What are we gonna do? She shot the mayor!
Elka: Technically, I’m the mayor. But a terrible tragedy.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s