Title: The Bachelors
Original Air Date: September 10, 2014
Carl Reiner: Max
Tim Daly: Mitch
Craig Ferguson: Simon
Marion Ross: Olga
Romy Rosemont: Marcie
Chris Harrison: Chris Harrison
Luke Perry: Trevor
Stephen Root: Brian
Dave Foley: Bob
Annie Heller: Barbara
Kim Yarbrough: Nurse
Synopsis: Joy appears to be in an episode of The Bachelor. Chris Harrison is interviewing her about the ladies birthdate celebration. Elka wants to be reunited with her first love Stan. However, now Stan is Olga. Melanie goes on a date with a man named Brain who called in to her radio show. But he has a sex surrogate. It turns out he’s in love her. Victoria wanted to go out with a hot model named Trevor. However, her kidney donation made him change his life and become a donor. He grows replacement noses, ears, etc. on his forehead. Mitch reserves the whole patio for he and Joy. As he pulls out a ring to propose Simon jumps in and proposes. Mitch is ticked and Joy is shocked. Mitch gets his proposal out as well. She conferences with the ladies in the bathroom and tells them about both proposals. They are shocked and congratulate her. Bob then bursts into the bathroom and proposes too. Joy can’t decide. She tries talking with all and they get competitive. Bob is eliminated. So then it becomes one on one. She is dancing with Simon as Bob and Mitch come back. They all start fighting over her, throwing punches. One from Simon goes astray and knocks Joy out. At the hospital she comes to. Everyone is outside her room. Max appears and he and Elka reconnect. Due to Joy’s state, the nurse tells everyone she needs rest and is in no state to make a decision that important…to be continued.
Click on either link to grab the fifth season of the show, it’s a great way to support the ladies and have some serious laughs.
* Melanie: He brought his sex surrogate. This is the worst date ever.
Victoria: Is it, Melanie? How many noses does your date have? Because mine has two.
* Victoria: Is it, Melanie? Stranger than a man with two noses, and an extra ear? I am on a date with Mr. Potato Head.
Chris: The moment we’ve all been waiting for, is finally here. Tonight, on the most dramatic episode, in the history of this series–
Joy: You don’t have to shout, I’m right here.
Chris: I’m sorry Joy. Look, you are about to embark on an incredible journey. Tell us about it.
Joy: Well, every year for our fake birthdays my friends and I fix each other up.
Chris: Four women, four dates. There’s a chance no one’s heart is gonna be broken here. Where’s the fun in that?
Joy: Oh, there’s always plenty of heartbreak. But this year’s going to be different.
Chris: Do you say that every year?
Joy: Yes. But this year really is going to be different.
Chris: Do you also say that every year?
Chris: Just tell me about the dates.
Joy: Well, Elka wanted us to track down Stan, her first love, who she left behind in Poland 70 years ago.
Elka: He was Mr. Sour Cream when I was Miss Teen Potato. When the villagers laid him on top of me and wrapped us in tinfoil. Well, one thing led to another.
Melanie: So, what kind of ritual is that?
Elka: Well, it was supposed to keep the Germans away. In hindsight, we should’ve invested in tanks.
Joy: Victoria wanted us to set her up with a male model she saw in Cleveland Magazine.
Victoria: Well, I don’t care about romance. All I want is beauty.
Melanie: You say that every year.
Victoria: Yeah, well, I have yet to get it. I have put up with man boobs, conjoined twins, webbing, and tails.
Chris: What’s so weird about a guy with a tail? You know, many prominent, sexy entertainment personalities have tails.
Joy: Oh, my God, do you mean you–
Chris: Hey, you know, uh, why don’t you just tell me about the date with Melanie.
Joy: Well, she wanted a guy who called into her radio show, looking for advice for his shyness with women.
Melanie: So, I told him to see a counselor. And then, a week later, he calls back off the air and he was just so grateful and sweet, and incredibly perceptive.
Joy: What exactly did he say?
Melanie: He said I was beautiful and smart.
[Murmurs of agreement]
Joy: Well, I wish you luck with your desperate little dating capers. I, of course, will be with Mitch, the man I love, and who, in an unusual twist, loves me back. So, don’t even bother wishing me luck, because, for once in my life, I don’t need it.
Chris: So you rubbed it in your friends’ faces by saying you had the perfect date. And then you tempted fate by saying nothing could possibly go wrong for you. In retrospect, you wish you hadn’t done that?
Joy: I do. I really do.
Melanie: So you’re an actual rocket scientist? Why didn’t you tell me?
Brian: Well, when you tell people you’re a rocket scientist, they assume you’re brilliant. It’s a lot to live up to.
Melanie: So are you brilliant?
Brian: I kind of am, yeah.
Melanie: Brian, I’m having such a good time.
Brian: Oh, me too. The world disappears when I look at you.
Melanie: Oh, Brian. Someone’s gotten over their shyness, huh?
Marcy: [Laughs] Oh, sorry I’m late. How are things going?
Brian: Uh, great, I think. Uh, things are going great, right?
Melanie: I yeah. Um, Brian, who is this?
Brian: I’m sorry, Melanie, this is Marcy.
Marcy: Oh, so nice to meet you. Have you touched her yet?
Brian: I’ve held her hand. Mm-hm.
Marcy: Good, good, that’s very good. Any compliments?
Brian: Well, I did the one about the world disappearing.
Marcy: Oh, excellent.
Melanie: Yeah. Uh, sorry, I still don’t know who Marcy is.
Brian: Oh, oh. When you advised me to get professional help, Marcy is the person I called.
Melanie: Oh, she’s your therapist.
Marcy: Mm, in a way. I’m his sex surrogate.
Brian: Yeah, yeah. We’ve had sex enough times that, uh, I’m I’m ready to do it with a woman I’m dating.
Marcy: And if tonight goes well, Melanie, that could be you. And let me tell you, you’re in for a treat.
Olga: It’s me, Stan! Your first love?
Olga: Well, Olga, now. But you haven’t changed a bit.
Elka: You, on the other hand…
Victoria: I just happened upon a picture of you on the internet, in a bathing suit, and I have to ask was there any photoshopping done, or are you actually perfect from head to toe?
Trevor: I actually am. But that’s so superficial. The thing that made me want to go out with you was when I read that you donated a kidney.
Victoria: That makes me glad I did it.
Trevor: It inspired me. Gave me the courage to take a break from modeling, help someone out.
Victoria: Are you donating a kidney to someone?
Trevor: No, uh, my brother was in a car accident and his nose was irreparably damaged. Well, forehead skin is the best match for nose skin.
Victoria: So you’re donating some of your perfect forehead skin to your brother?
Trevor: Even better. This is really gonna make you happy. Impressive, huh?
Victoria: Well, it’s nothing to sneeze at.
Joy: It was so romantic of you to reserve the whole patio just for us. Mitch, are you okay?
Mitch: Joy, I’ve been thinking a lot about the two of us and about how much we love each other and about our future.
Joy: Future? Are you saying what I think you’re saying?
Mitch: Please, I want to get this just right.
Joy: Sorry, go ahead.
Mitch: Okay, uh, where was I? Thinking about the two of us, love each other, future Oh, uh, yeah. Deep breath. Take a knee. Joy, I love you so much. Will you Will you–
Simon: Joy, will you marry me?
Mitch: What the hell?
Joy: Simon, did you just propose to me?
Simon: Yes, I did.
Mitch: Well, so did I. I w I mean, I was going to. Joy, will you marry me? And not him?
Simon: Mine’s bigger.
Melanie: He brought his sex surrogate. This is the worst date ever.
Victoria: Is it, Melanie? How many noses does your date have? Because mine has two.
Elka: That’s nuts. And speaking of nuts, my date doesn’t have any anymore.
Joy: Two men just proposed to me. First Mitch, and then Simon!
Melanie: Oh, my God, Joy!
Joy: I know! Two wonderful, handsome men who want to spend the rest of their lives with me. Oh, this is all so complicated.
Bob: There’s only one thing more complicated. A third such man who wanted to propose but missed his bus.
Bob: Joy Will you marry me?
Bob: It was my grandmother’s ring. She loved it so much, she was buried with it. Please Don’t ask the next logical question.
Chris: Joy. Three bachelors, one final rose. Two of these men will leave tonight, utterly devastated. This is more like it.
Joy: I needed some time to think, so my friends went back to their dates.
Melanie: [Clears throat]
Brian: Sorry. [Laughs] Last minute cram session. So, how were my hands?
Marcy: Oh, terrific.
Marcy: You really painted the entire canvas of my back beautifully.
Marcy: Well, when we started, Brian was a little same-spot-Sally.
Melanie: You know what? I think the two of us can take it from here.
Marcy: Oh! Okay.
Marcy: Don’t be nervous. I’ll be at the bar.
Brian: Um Oh, this is gonna be weird, doing it without Marcy.
Melanie: It was a little weird doing it with Marcy. So, are you originally from Cleveland?
Brian: I love her, Melanie!
Brian: I love Marcy! I started having sex with her because I wanted to be with you, but, then the strangest thing happened. I started having feelings for the person I was having sex with. Yeah, but, beggars can’t be choosers. I’m on a date with you, so do you have any hobbies?
Melanie: Yeah, don’t even.
Brian: All right.
Victoria: So, in a few weeks, the nose will be harvested, and, you’ll be your hot self again.
Trevor: Actually, I’ve decided I, uh, I have a responsibility to let my fertile forehead serve humanity.
Victoria: I I’m sorry, what?
Trevor: Yeah, see this little guy right here? In 18 months, that’s gonna be a full-grown ear.
Elka: The more I drink, the less crazy it seems that you became a woman!
Olga: Well, you remember our town’s motto “Drink until it makes sense.”
Elka: I can’t believe you’re my Stanislaus.
Olga: Oh, I am. The same person that sat in the ox cart with you in the moonlight.
Elka: That’s where we shared our first kiss!
Olga: You were the only woman I ever loved.
Elka: I guess you were the only “woman” I ever loved, too.
Joy: Look, you’re three amazing men, and, hopefully we can get through this without too many hurt feelings.
Bob: Obviously this situation is a potential minefield, so let’s agree from the start, separate checks?
Mitch: Look, Joy, this is insane. I’m your boyfriend. I invited you here to propose to you. From the moment we met, you said I was the man you wanted to marry.
Bob: Yes, and then you immediately started cavorting with her friend, Melanie.
Joy: That’s true.
Mitch: But, I proposed first.
Simon: Actually, I proposed first. We have a child, and a grandchild, together. And– and you always said that I’m the love of your life. If anyone’s destined to be with you forever, it’s me.
Mitch: Yeah, you’d better move fast. Knowing Simon, you’ll say “yes,” and he’ll be on the first plane to can’t-commit-istan.
Bob: Mitch makes an excellent point about how awful Simon is.
Simon: Can we just get rid of Bob, and narrow the field to the real contenders?
Bob: Hey, I thought we had an alliance.
Mitch: Why would we have an alliance?
Bob: All right, fine. If the gloves are off, I suggest you kick Scotty and fatso, here, to the curb.
Mitch: Hey, I’m not fat anymore.
Simon: Oh, I don’t know, those pounds are coming back.
Mitch: Shut up.
Simon: You shut up!
Bob: Both of you shut up. Right, Joy?
Joy: Okay. Obviously this group date was a terrible idea. Why don’t I talk to each one of you separately?
Mitch: May the best man win.
Bob: Or the funniest.
Simon: Or the tallest and smartest and handsomest. Or, just the tallest and smartest.
Victoria: So, you’re still considering all three of them, even Bob?
Joy: Yes, even Bob. I like him.
Melanie: And he likes you. Which puts him ahead of my date, who’s in love with his sexual surrogate. It’s so strange!
Victoria: Is it, Melanie? Stranger than a man with two noses, and an extra ear? I am on a date with Mr. Potato Head.
Joy: Well, I’d better get back out there, and make the biggest decision of my life.
Elka: Joy? Choose a good one. You deserve it.
Joy: Okay, I’m waiting. Where’s the insult? I’ve got no boobs, I’m old, I’m skanky.
Elka: I’m saving those for your wedding toast.
[Joy Blows Elka a kiss]
Joy: Bob, you’re a terrific guy. But, we’ve never even been on a date. Marriage seems quite the leap.
Bob: Fine, forget me. Focus on your other two suitors. Let’s face it, both Mitch and Simon are gonna lose their looks. Where as I? Will look like this forever. Well, as long as shoppers drug mart continues to make “apricot kiss foam-in hair color, for men.”
Joy: Stop making me laugh.
Bob: Why, Joy? You love to laugh. I could guarantee you a lifetime of laughter. Joy, I’ve been in love with you from the first moment I met you.
Joy: But, what about your girlfriend in Canada? Are you sure that’s over?
Bob: Her last words to me were, “get out of here, you big dick.”
Joy: I’m sorry.
Bob: Focus on the last two words, Joy.
Mitch: [Laughs] I love Joy so much. She should be with me. It’s as plain the nose on my Holy crap!
Trevor: You obviously recognize me from Cleveland Magazine.
Victoria: Yeah, that’s it.
Simon: What do I do if Joy doesn’t pick me? I’ll be lost, I’ll be devastated, I I won’t be able to go on.
Olga: Let me ask you something. Were you always a man?
Elka: You could always make me smile.
Olga: Oh, Elka. If only you were a man.
Elka: I was just about to say the same thing.
Simon: What the hell is going on, here?
Mitch: Joy, you mean the world to me. We’re soul mates. Even after I lost 300 pounds, I would look at myself in the mirror, and I would see a fat guy. But your love has given me the confidence to see myself for who I truly am. A very handsome man.
Mitch: I’m very handsome, Joy. Borderline pretty.
Joy: You really are.
Mitch: And you are a little shallow, right?
Joy: More than a little.
Mitch: Then picture waking up for the next 50 years next to Simon, or Bob, or, waking up next to this.
Joy: You make a lot of sense, Mitch. A lot of sense.
Melanie: So, Marcy. Brian and I have been, um, talking, and he has something that he would like to say to you. Brian?
Brian: Yes. Marcy, uh, I, you see–
Bob: Sorry to interrupt. Melanie?
Bob: I need your help to win Joy. Anything that will make her want me over all other men.
Marcy: Maybe I can help. By having sex with me, you’ll become a better lover.
Bob: You have my attention.
Brian: No, I I I don’t want you having sex with anybody but me.
Bob: I’m flattered, but–
Melanie: Not you, her. He’s in love with her.
Marcy: Is this true?
Brain: Yes, Marcy.
Marcy: So, when I taught you to call out Melanie’s name, you–you actually wanted to call out mine?
Brian: [Laughing] Yes. No, I only thought of Melanie when I needed to distract myself to make it last longer.
Brian: Sometimes I’d think of her radio show, and I could last all night.
Bob: I’m gonna need tape of your show.
Mitch: So, Trevor, you’re a model. How do good-looking guys, like us, win a woman?
Trevor: It’s not about the looks. If you really wanna capture Joy’s heart, do something humanitarian. Women love that.
Victoria: Do they?
Trevor: Well, yeah. And you only know about the ear and the nose. You won’t believe what I got growing on my back. You’ll see.
Victoria: Will it see me? Tell me now.
Bob: You did a good thing, Melanie.
Melanie: Yeah, I did, didn’t I?
Bob: Why are we still sitting here? And where’s Mitch going? It’s not his turn.
Waitress: Can I get you another drink?
Melanie: What do you think?
Simon: Joy. When I look at you, I see the teenage girl I fell in love with. And that’s who I’m always gonna see.
Bob: Dancing? I didn’t know there’d be a dancing portion.
Mitch: Let go of her.
Bob: No, you let go of her.
Mitch: She’s mine.
Bob: She’s mine!
Joy: Stop it! All of you!
[Joy gets knocked out cold by Simon during the fight over her]
Simon: Oh my God.
Chris: This has been quite a journey for you, Joy. Have you made your decision?
Joy: I think I have. I choose I choose– Wait a minute, you’re not Chris Harrison.
Nurse: You’ve had a bad bump, sweetie. You need to lie quiet for a while.
Simon: I feel terrible. I’ve never hit a woman before.
Bob: Me either. Except the time an elbow got away from me in zumba class.
Elka: Cheer up, Simon. If Joy doesn’t pick you I’m right here.
Melanie: You know Bob, I’ve always thought you were kinda cute. I’d go out with you.
Bob: Keep it in your pants, Melanie. I’m in love with Joy.
Melanie: What a nice night it’s been.
Elka: It was great to see Stan again, but I really had a feeling I was gonna meet a special man tonight.
Elka: Max! What are you doing here?
Max: I thought I was having heart trouble. But it was nothing. Although, now, it’s starting to race again.
Elka: [Laughs] Is it?
Max: You know, I’m just visiting from Florida, I’m not staying very long, but, uh, would you, uh–
Max: And maybe tomorrow?
Max: And there was something else I wanted to ask you–
Elka: Uh When you remember it, yes.
Nurse: Okay, she’s doing fine. She just needs to rest.
Bob: Did she say anything about which man she was going to marry?
Nurse: She’s in no condition to be making life decisions.
Elka: Then, I guess everyone is just gonna have to wait.