Hot in Cleveland S05, Ep23 – Don Elka

Season: 5
Episode: 23
Title: Don Elka
Original Air Date: September 3, 2014


Guest Stars:
Georgia Engel: Mamie
Craig Ferguson: Simon
Casey Washington: Shane
Annie Heller: Barbara
Brian Takahashi: Hiro
Emi Hatanaka: Akiko


Synopsis: The ladies are at the bar. Elka is acting like the Godfather. Simon contacts Joy out of the blue. He wants to talk. At the house a video conference call make up session is going on. Melanie comes in and says she got a ticket. She tried using Elka’s name to get out of it and it failed. Simon and Joy video call, but as she is telling him she is with someone else, it fails. Joy is freaked out as she does not know if he heard her or not. After she goes upstairs Simon walks out of the closet. He tells the ladies he wants Joy back and will do whatever it takes to make that happen. So he pretends to be a priest and a massage therapist. She’s very confused. Wilbur’s nanny quits and now Joy is trying to find a new one. Simon pulls a Mrs. Doubtfire, and one of the ladies hides her glasses and contacts so she won’t know its him. Late on, Joy gets a text from Mitch. He misses her so much he’s cutting his trip short to come back to her. The doorbell rings and Victoria is excited. It should be her Oscar, but instead its a Buddha.


Click on either link to grab the fifth season of the show, it’s a great way to support the ladies and have some serious laughs.

Amazon Hot in Cleveland: Season Five

iTunes Hot in Cleveland, Season 5 – Hot in Cleveland


Favorite Quotes:

* Melanie: Something terrible just happened. A cop just gave me a ticket.
Victoria: What? We can’t flirt our way out of tickets in Cleveland? Why even live here?

* Joy: Look close. Tell me what you think? Is this the face of a man who just heard me say, “I’m in love with someone else”?
Elka: I don’t know. But this is the face of somebody who’s tired of hearing about it.

* Melanie: It’s an Oscar, not a real man.
Victoria: But he’s made of gold, and he has no opinions. So in some ways he’s better.

* Mamie: I have an idea. If you need a disguise, maybe you should be a Scottish nanny, like Mrs. Doubtfire.
Elka: What a great movie that was.
Mamie: My favorite part was when the pots boiled over.
Elka: There’s nothing funnier than boobs on fire.

* Elka: I don’t think I could name a best partner. To me orgasms are like doughnuts. I never had a bad one.
Mamie: Even day-olds are just fine.


Transcript:

Waitress: Councilwoman, you honor us with your presence.
Joy: This is crazy. You won a city council post. Why is everyone treating you like you’re the Godfather?
Mamie: The councilwoman says it would be a shame if something were to happen to those legs you so shamelessly display.
Manager: Councilwoman. I bring you special cannolis prepared by my wife.
Elka: [As Brando] This is a nice thing you do for me.
Manager: Councilwoman, a request. Food inspectors, they come here, they give me a “B.” I say to my staff, for justice we must go to Councilwoman Ostrovsky.
Elka: I see an “A” in your future.
Manager: Thank you, Councilwoman.
Joy: How are you going to get them to change the grade?
Elka: Don’t ask me about my business, Joy.
Joy: Look, it’s Victoria.
Melanie: Is that academy award-winner, Victoria Chase?
Joy: It is, it is!
Victoria: Oh, stop. This is so embarrassing. [giggles] Not bad, but you forgot, “she’s even more beautiful in person.” Oh, look what I got. It’s a fake Oscar I found at a novelty store. I’m gonna use it to figure out the best place to display my real one when it arrives.
Melanie: You know, I read that when you won, 80% of American’s thought that John Travolta read the wrong name.
Victoria: Did I mention it’s also a water pistol?
[text alert plays]
Joy: Oh, it’s from Mitch. He’s going out of town for a few days. It says, “I miss you already.”
Melanie: Aw. You look very happy, Joy.
Joy: I am. But I’m scared to trust it. It’s ridiculous, but I feel like something awful will happen the moment I just come out and say I’m happy, and I’m in love with Mitch. [text alert plays] Oh, my God! Something awful has happened! It’s Simon. I haven’t heard from him in months, and now out of the blue he wants to video chat? Oh, I should get this over with right now and tell him about Mitch. But I can’t.
Mamie: Why not?
Joy: I can’t video chat like this. You have to look your sexiest when you’re telling a man you’re never going to have sex with him again.
[overlapping agreement]
Manager: Shall I clear the table?
Melanie: Oh, thank you.
Manager: Oh, I’ve seen these. It’s a water gun, right?
Elka: Leave the gun. Take the cannolis.

Victoria: There, this will take care of the shadows. Oh! You’re all set for your video chat. Just remember, your right side is your best, never show the left side of your face.
Joy: What’s wrong with my left side?
Victoria: Nothing, it’s gorgeous.
Joy: But you just said–
Victoria: Melanie, hello!
Melanie: Something terrible just happened. A cop just gave me a ticket.
Victoria: What? We can’t flirt our way out of tickets in Cleveland? Why even live here?
Melanie: No, it was a female cop. And I got caught up in the whole Elka Godfather thing. And I said, if the ticket would somehow go away, that Elka would give her a promotion. Now she’s going to investigate Elka.
Victoria: Why would you do that?
Melanie: I’m weak. I’m Fredo.
Victoria: Ugh!
[text alert plays]
Joy: Oh, my God. It’s Simon.
Melanie: Okay, just remember, your left side’s your best side.
Victoria: No, no, no, her right side is her best side. Her left side is crap.
Melanie: No, her right side is crap.
Joy: Go! [text alert plays] Hello, Simon. How are you?
Simon: [Scottish accent] Joy, you look fantastic.
Joy: Do I? This is how I look all the time now. Since you left.
Simon: Why are your breasts glowing?
Joy: That happens all the time now too. Look, Simon–
Simon: Joy, I’m sorry I haven’t been in touch lately, but I think about you all the time. And Owen and Wilbur. How is everyone?
Joy: Everyone is doing great. But there’s something I need to tell you. I’ve met someone, and, well I’m in love. Simon? You seem to have frozen. I don’t know what you heard. Simon. Simon!

Joy: Look close. Tell me what you think? Is this the face of a man who just heard me say, “I’m in love with someone else”?
Elka: I don’t know. But this is the face of somebody who’s tired of hearing about it.
Melanie: Joy, honey, we’ve been analyzing this for two days now, and, until you reach him, you’re not going to know what he heard.
Victoria: I think you should just delete it and move on.
Joy: I want to, but for some reason I can’t seem to delete his stupid face.
Melanie: Do you think you still might have feelings for him?
Joy: I don’t know. I hope not. I’m so unsettled about the whole thing. I just wish Mitch would get back.
Victoria: Oh, I know how you feel, honey. I’m waiting and hoping for my man too.
Melanie: It’s an Oscar, not a real man.
Victoria: But he’s made of gold, and he has no opinions. So in some ways he’s better.
Melanie: That’s true.
Mamie: You know, Joy, when I’m troubled and I want to talk things out, I go to confession.
Joy: The last time I went was when Simon got me pregnant. I suppose God might enjoy the irony.
Victoria: Oh, poor Joy. If only there was some way she could get in touch with Simon.
Simon: I might be able to help with that.

Melanie: Oh, my God, Simon?
Victoria: What are you doing here?
Simon: Before the computer crashed, I heard enough to know that Joy was dumping me. I was on the next flight out of the Sudan.
Elka: He got in last night. He stayed at my place.
Simon: Nothing happened, obviously.
Elka: That’s our story.
Melanie: Simon, you can’t just leave Joy again And then just waltz back into her life whenever you’re ready.
Victoria: Yeah, you left. She found someone else. She’s happy. Buzz off.
Simon: I made a mistake. I should’ve come back sooner. I love her. I can’t live without her. I need to see for myself if this Mitch makes her feel the way I used to make her feel.
Victoria: And how are you going to do that? Just up and confront her?
Simon: No, if I did that, she’d send me packing. I need to find a way to get close to her without her knowing it’s me So I can soften her up a little bit first. You know, remind her of what I used to mean to her.
Victoria: Mm, you mean trick her into liking you again.
Simon: Look, if Joy really loves Mitch, then there’s nothing I can say that’s gonna change that. And if that’s the case, I’ll admit defeat and head off back to Khartoum.
Melanie: Oh, my God, this is like something out of those great rom-coms. He flew halfway around the world just to win her back. What if Simon is her true love, and Mitch is just a rebound? I think I’m on team Simon.
Victoria: I’m still on team Mitch. I’m sorry, Simon, but you had your chance.
Simon: Let me take one more shot. Please.
Victoria: All right. I need something to fill the time until my Oscar gets here. So is it big news in Sudan that I won?
Simon: People are fighting and dying there.
Victoria: Is that a yes or a no?
Mamie: I have an idea. If you need a disguise, maybe you should be a Scottish nanny, like Mrs. Doubtfire.
Elka: What a great movie that was.
Mamie: My favorite part was when the pots boiled over.
Elka: There’s nothing funnier than boobs on fire.
Mamie: So it’s settled.
Simon: No, it’s not settled! I’m not being Mrs. Doubtfire. I’ll come up with something better.
[text alert plays]
Mamie: [gasps] Councilwoman. Somebody tried to bribe a police officer using your name. We have a rat in our midst.
Elka: This does not please me.
Melanie: Did they mention a name?
Mamie: No, but we’ll find out who it is. And when we do, we go to the mattresses.
Melanie: What?
Mamie: We always think better after a nice nap.

Joy: Hello, Father. It’s been 30 years or so since my last confession. So, if I confess my sins, it would take way too long. I’d actually just like to talk about a guy, if that’s okay.
Simon: [resonant voice] Tell me everything, my child.
Joy: His name is Simon.
Simon: Simon. There’s a good strong name. I’m pretty sure he was one of the apostles.
Joy: Pretty sure?
Simon: [clears throat] Tell me about him.
Joy: He was my first love. We had a child together that I gave up for adoption, and just recently he’s come back into my life again.
Simon: Sounds like you’re still in love with him.
Joy: No. I mean, I was. I don’t know. I found someone else, and I’m happy. His name is Mitch and–
Simon: I’ve never cared for that name. There’s the story in the Bible of a Mitch who broke women’s hearts and, um, fornicated with goats.
Joy: Really?
Simon: Mm.
Joy: Well, my Mitch is not like that. When I first saw him, I had the feeling that he was the man I was going to marry. I think he’s my soul mate.
Simon: Did you ever think Simon was your soul mate?
Joy: I did. And I felt happy and fulfilled when he came back. Then he left. He always leaves. That’s what he does.
Simon: Did he leave for some vile reason?
Joy: No. He stopped being a paparazzi for me and left to do something noble with his life so his grandson would be proud of him.
Simon: So your original soul mate is a hero.
Joy: Maybe.
Simon: Sounds like you miss him. I bet he misses you too.
Joy: I feel confused.
Simon: Well, as the Church says, it’s good to doubt.
Joy: You’re a very unusual priest.
Simon: Well, you know, new Pope, new rules.

Melanie: Elka’s going to find out I’m the rat.
Victoria: Well, so what? She’s not really the Godfather. She’s not going to do anything to you.
Melanie: But she’s going to be so disappointed in me. I mean, I’m the good one. I’m the sweet one. You have no idea what that’s like.
Victoria: No, I don’t, but it sounds dull. Oh, look, there’s Joy. So how did things go with the priest?
Joy: Terrible. I went there hoping to get Simon off my mind. Now he’s all I can think about. I almost thought I smelled his cologne. I’m sorry, guys. I’m not good company right now. I’m just gonna take my wine to go.
Victoria: Wow, Joy really seems torn about Simon.
Simon: I know. Isn’t it great? The seed of doubt has been planted. She’s weak and vulnerable and drinking heavily. She’s the woman I fell in love with.
Melanie: I’m not so sure this is in Joy’s best interest. I’m sorry, Simon, but I’m on team Mitch now.
Victoria: Well, I’m switching to team Simon. He shows an impressive range and a real commitment to his character. She should be with him.
Simon: Well put. So I reminded her how she used to think I was her soul mate. Now I need to remind her of how she used to thrill to my touch.

Simon: [with German accent] Just close your eyes, liebchen, and let Hans hands set you free.
Joy: [Sighs sensually] I’m so grateful Victoria insisted on this massage. I’ve been a bit tense lately. There’s something very familiar about your touch.
Simon: Uh-uh, no looking. The hands become shy. Hans’ hands are uber “Ge-shy-zingen.” Your tenseness suggests a lack of sexual fulfillment. Joy, tell me about the sex that you make. Don’t worry, I’m 100% gay. The sight of your naked body actually repulses me.
Joy: Oh, well.. Sex with Mitch is actually amazing. And since you’re gay, I can tell you he has the most ow!
Simon: So what I am hearing is, he’s not the best sex you’ve ever had.
Joy: I didn’t say that! Well, there is another man from my past who is Mitch’s equal, sexually.
Simon: I’ve put the thought of this wonderful man in your mind. I created doubt and confusion in your head. Oh, I feel terrible.

Simon: Well, I’ve awakened all of the old feelings, and I reminded her that I’m the best sex she ever had.
Elka: I don’t think I could name a best partner. To me orgasms are like doughnuts. I never had a bad one.
Mamie: Even day-olds are just fine.
Simon: What I need to do is tug at Joy’s heart strings. We share a son and a grandson. I’ve got to make her realize how much this chance to be one happy family really means.
Melanie: Oh, that’s Joy! Get down.
Joy: I can’t believe it. On top of everything else, Wilbur’s nanny just quit. Apparently, she wants a family of her own. Well, this time I’m hiring an older nanny. Someone who’s looking at her uterus in the rear-view mirror.
Elka: So Joy needs a nanny.
Mamie: Perhaps a Scottish nanny.
Simon: No. There has to be a better idea.

Joy: I’m sorry, I’m having a bit of trouble reading your resume. I’m a bit blind right now. Somehow my contacts and my glasses disappeared.
Simon: [Silly falsetto voice] That’s all right, dearie. You have a very pretty squint.
Joy: Really? Thank you, Mrs. Mccracken.
Simon: Oh, please. Call me Elspeth.
Joy: Well, you seem delightful, and whatever you’re baking in the kitchen smells wonderful. Do you have any questions for me?
Simon: Well, just the one, dearie. I was wondering about the whereabouts of Wilbur’s grandfather.
Joy: He’s no longer around. We were together, but I’m in a new relationship now and very happy. Onwards and upwards, no regrets.
Simon: Oh, there’s always regrets. I had a man, my first love, in fact. He was handsome and craggy, quite a catch. But then I was considered a great beauty in my home town.
Joy: Was it a small town?
Simon: It was, but I didn’t treat him well, and I lost him to another woman. You say you’re happy with your new man, but there must be part of you that dreamed of keeping your clan together.
Joy: I suppose so.
Simon: Mm. Just think of the Christmases. The bairn and his parents and grandparents all hanging stockings by the fire. Wilbur, Owen, Joy and what was the grandfather’s name?
Joy: Simon.
Simon: Simon. Oh, goes so well on a sock. [Bell chimes] That would be my cookies.

Simon: I’ve done it. [Normal voice] I’ve done it. Her mind, her body and her heart are all a mess, thanks to me. I’m going to stay in Cleveland. I’m going to do whatever it takes to win her back.
Mamie: Oh, how romantic. Uh-oh. Those pots look like they’re boiling over.
Elka: Oh, you’re right, Mamie Sue, they are.
Simon: What? I thought I was just making cookies. Oh, no. I know what you’re doing. You want me to set my boobs on fire like Mrs. Doubtfire. Well, it’s not gonna happen, ’cause these babies are not made of foam. They’re a realistic mix of popcorn kernels and birdseed.
Elka: Now, we know why he likes Joy. He has no idea how a real breast feels.
Joy: Anything I can do to help?
Simon: [Falsetto voice] No, everything’s under control. Oh! Hot!
Joy: Is everything all right?
Simon: Ah, just a spot of bother with my rack.
[crisp popping]
Joy: Do I smell popcorn?
Simon: [sniffs] No, I-I don’t think so.
Joy: There’s some on your blouse.
Simon: Oh, yes, my blouse corn. The kiddie-winks love it. Well, I just remembered, there’s another interview that I have to go to. So I’ll leave you with my cookies, and I’ll, uh, pop off.
Joy: Bye.
[birds cawing]
Simon: Oh, my God, birds!

Victoria: So you just got a slap on the wrist from the mayor? Well, that’s not so bad.
Melanie: You probably don’t even care who the rat is anymore, right? Moving on. [chuckles]
Elka: [smooches] I know it was you, Melanie. [as Brando] You broke my heart.
Melanie: Elka, I’m so sorry. Can you ever forgive me?
Elka: As a sign of forgiveness, the councilwoman has asked me to take you on a boat ride tomorrow.
Joy: I just got a text from Mitch. He’s coming back early because he misses me so much.
Victoria: Oh, that’s so sweet.
Joy: It is. I have a man who comes back. Why am I making myself crazy over a man who always leaves? I mean Mitch is rushing back to me, and Simon is halfway around the world, probably not even thinking about me. Although, before his face froze, he did say he was thinking about me all the time. Oh, why can’t I get him out of my head?
Melanie: Well, we just want you to be happy. So whoever you do choose, we are on Team Joy.
Victoria: Team Joy all the way.
Joy: Thanks, guys.
[doorbell chimes]
Victoria: [gasps] Oh, my God, that must be my Oscar. Coming, darling! Oh, thank you, thank you! No, no autographs. This is it! The thing that will finally give me peace and contentment. What the hell is this fat man?
Melanie: It’s a Buddha.
Victoria: Well, what does a Buddha have to do with peace and contentment?
Joy: Wait, if you’ve got someone’s Buddha, who has your Oscar?
[both speaking Japanese] [speaking Japanese]
Woman: That’s not our Buddha.
Man: It’s an Academy Award…Victoria Chase.
Woman: Oh! Mrs. Ladypants won an Oscar? This is a shocker.

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