Hot in Cleveland S05, Ep20 – The Italian Job

Season: 5
Episode: 20
Title: The Italian Job
Original Air Date: August 13, 2014


Guest Stars:
Will Sasso: Frankie
Dan Lauria: J.J.
Anita Barone: Lisa
Andrew Leeds: Tom
Nicole Parker: Jessica
Gabriel Tigerman: James
Robert Merrill: Ken
Jet Jurgensmeyer: Anthony


Synopsis: At the house they are screen testing actors to play J.J. in the movie. J.J. becomes jealous. He invites Victoria to meet his kids. Meanwhile, Melanie is meeting her station manager at the bar. His news is not so good. She is now a duo in the afternoons with Frankie, and she doesn’t like him. Joy and Elka are waiting to get the grades for their final exam. They are extremely nervous as if they don’t pass they don’t graduate. Victoria goes to J.J.’s house to meet his kids and its a disaster. She accidentally sits in the mothers chair. Frankie and Melanie do their first show. She goes off on him and gets him in trouble with his girlfriend. He then shows up at the house and takes over the guest room. Joy and Elka find out they did not pass their test and are upset. Frankie gives them some advice and they are able to do a retest. He also solves Victoria’s problem. Melanie is not happy. J.J. and his kids are all at the house (as per Frankie its neutral) but Victoria comes in the front door still in her screen test getup looking exactly like their mother. All freak out. After dinner Victoria and J.J. end their relationship and he puts the movie on hold. Elka and Joy get their new test scores. They passed, they are now college graduates.


Click on either link to grab the fifth season of the show, it’s a great way to support the ladies and have some serious laughs.

Amazon Hot in Cleveland: Season Five

iTunes Hot in Cleveland, Season 5 – Hot in Cleveland


Favorite Quotes:

* Victoria: Why are you smiling, Elka?
Joy: She’s finding it very amusing that I think I failed my orals.
Elka: I would have said she choked on her orals.

* Melanie: Well, if Joy does fail her orals, that would be hard to swallow.
Victoria: You know, you’re the last person I would expect to blow her orals.
Joy: I shouldn’t have waited until the last minute to study.
Elka: I guess you bit off more than you could chew.

* Melanie: Go to your room, Frankie. My friends have problems, and they need my advice.
Elka: Actually, we’re good.
Joy: Frankie solved our problems.

* Joy: Oh, my god, we both passed! I’m going to get a college degree! Owen and Wilbur will be so proud of me.


Transcript:

Victoria: We’re finally alone. I have been wanting this for so long.
Ken: You’re amazing.
J.J.: Cut! So, Ken, what’s with all the kissing?
Ken: It’s in your script.
J.J.: Yeah? Well, now it’s out. There is absolutely no reason why they should be kissing.
Victoria: It’s the honeymoon scene.
J.J.: Yeah, well, loverboy here is all wrong for the part.
Victoria: J.J., that’s not how you audition people. You say how wonderful they are and wait until they leave before you talk about how bad they were. This is all new to him.
Ken: I’m going to go.
Victoria: Thanks. You were wonderful. What a lox.
J.J.: Sorry. I just get so jealous.
Victoria: Well, you shouldn’t be. I’m crazy about you. But you’re going to have to get used to it. I’m an actress. I’ve done love scenes with everyone From Greg Kinnear to Jean-Claude Van Damme.
J.J.: Well, I’m going to ask you to do something you didn’t do With Jean-Claude Van Damme.
Victoria: Well, that’s not going to be easy.
J.J.: I know I said I wanted us to take it slow, but I think I’m ready to go to the next level. I want you to meet my children.
Victoria: Oh, I would love that! You’ve talked about them so much, I feel I know them already. Two kids, right?
J.J.: Three. Just like you, so it’s easy to remember.
Victoria: You’d think.

Victoria: I have a major announcement to make. J.J. wants me to meet his children.
Melanie: Oh, that’s wonderful.
Victoria: This is a big step. I’m the first women he’s dated since their mother died.
Melanie: Oh, well, my advice is to acknowledge the elephant in the room.
Victoria: His daughter is a little chubby.
Melanie: No, I was talking about his wife. She just died a year ago. I’m sure it’s still pretty raw for them.
Victoria: You’re right. What should I do?
Melanie: Um, let ’em know how much you admire her and what an honor it is to portray her in J.J.’s film.
Victoria: That is good advice, Melanie.
Melanie: Well, I am a professional advice giver. As a matter of fact, my station manager wants to meet with me later to go over some new ideas for the radio show. I think I’ll order french fries to let him know I’m fun.
Victoria: You just want to order french fries, don’t you?
Melanie: To let him know I’m fun.
Elka: Hi.
Melanie: Hey, how did the exams go?
Joy: We’re not sure. But if we don’t pass, we don’t graduate.
Victoria: Why are you smiling, Elka?
Joy: She’s finding it very amusing that I think I failed my orals.
Elka: I would have said she choked on her orals.
Joy: It’s been like this for the past hour.
Melanie: Well, if Joy does fail her orals, that would be hard to swallow.
Victoria: You know, you’re the last person I would expect to blow her orals.
Joy: I shouldn’t have waited until the last minute to study.
Elka: I guess you bit off more than you could chew.

Frankie: I’ll have a beer, please. Hey. How are the fries here?
Melanie: I don’t know. I don’t eat fries. I just ordered them, so my boss would think I’m fun.
Frankie: Yeah, you sound fun. Oh, you got to be kidding me! Oh, my grandma could’ve hit that! Idiot just cost me $1,000 bucks!
Melanie: I don’t know why guys get so worked up at these games. I mean they’re going to play each other again at some point.
Frankie: Ah. You see, this is why I watch sports in strip clubs. I mean, obviously none of the women there are as much fun as you, but at least they talk less.
Melanie: Strip clubs are just depressing.
Frankie: Really? Have you ever been in one?
Melanie: Well, you know, not technic no.
Frankie: I go five nights a week. The only thing that depresses me is that they don’t serve breakfast.
Melanie: Oh, could you sit someplace else? My station manager is here. I’m on the radio.
Tom: Hi, Melanie.
Melanie: Hi, Tom. How are you?
Tom: Oh, I’m great. I see you two have met.
Melanie: What? You you know him?
Tom: Melanie, this is Frankie. I just lured him away from Chicago’s CWSR.
Frankie: I’m on the radio.
Tom: Frankie hosted a popular morning show called man town.
Melanie: Oh, god. Is that the show where the women go on and paint their breasts? That’s degrading.
Frankie: Whoa, okay, whoa. Hold on a second. Now, they don’t paint their breasts. They paint with their breasts. And it wasn’t degrading. It was art.
Melanie: Unbelievable.
Frankie: Excuse me. It was more interesting than your show. I mean, jeez, if I wanted to listen to a yappy Italian woman give boring advice all day, I’d call any of my sisters.
Melanie: Are you listening to this?
Tom: Oh, I think all of Cleveland is going to want to listen to this. I was hoping this would happen. It’s the classic battle of the sexes in one explosive afternoon show.
Melanie: Wait, wait. Are you saying you want want me to co-host a show with him?

Joy: I’m so nervous. They said they’d post the grades at 3:00 P.M. Finishing college was my dream.
Elka: If it makes you feel any better, I know I passed.
Joy: How is that supposed to make me feel better?
Elka: I said “if.”
Joy: How could you be so confident?
Elka: I know my subject. I even corrected the textbook answer.
Joy: Oh, my God, it’s the results. We both failed.
Elka: What? Oh, no. I’m going to lose my lacrosse scholarship. Oh, coach is going to kill me.
Joy: What? You’re 92.
Elka: I’m goalie. I hardly move.

J.J.: This is Jessica, James, and Lisa.
Lisa: It’s so nice to meet you. My dad talks about you all the time, And it’s so good to finally see a smile on his face again.
Jessica: And it’s exciting to have a celebrity in our house.
James: Yeah, we’re all big fans of yours. And your late husband, Emmet Lawson.
Victoria: Oh, thank you. You know, this portrait of your mother is beautiful. It’s such an honor to play her. You know, I think my favorite line in your dad’s movie is, “my children they are my light, my breath, my everything.”
James: She used to say that all the time. I’m so sorry.
Victoria: I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to upset him.
Lisa: No, it’s okay. He’s a little emotional.
J.J.: He’ll be back. Let’s have a seat.
[gasps]
Lisa: I’m sorry. Will you excuse me?
Victoria: Um, is everything all right?
J.J.: I should have said something. That was Connie’s chair. We still set a plate for her. No one’s sat in it since
Jessica: Since mom died. I’m so sorry.
J.J.: They like you.

Melanie: Hi, I’m Melanie Moretti.
Frankie: And I’m Frankie Ferullo.
Melanie: Welcome to our new segment, “he said, she said.”
Frankie: Yeah, more like “he said, she bitched and moaned.”
Melanie: Wow. That is incredibly rude.
Frankie: Yeah, there’s the bitching and moaning.
Melanie: Okay, we have Penny on line one. She and her fella have been together three years, and she has a question.
Frankie: Yeah, she wants to know if he’s going to propose. The answer is “no.” next caller.
Melanie: Let’s hear from Penny what her question is. Penny?
Penny: That was it.
Frankie: Next caller.
Melanie: Wait a minute. Okay, Penny, I have an idea. Instead of waiting another three years for him to propose, why don’t you propose yourself?
Frankie: No. No, no, no. Look, there’s only one reason that a man wants a woman to get down on her knees, and it ain’t so she can propose. All right, look, sweet pea, what kind of sled are you pulling? What are your stats? Well, I’m 28, 5’5, 130 pounds.
Frankie: Okay, so you’re 38, 5’3, 170 pounds.
Melanie: It’s radio. Why would she lie?
Penny: He’s right.
Frankie: All right. Pumpkin, here’s your only hope. You gotta start doing some weird stuff in the sack, you see? You take his lust. You mix it with his shame to form a cement that’ll bond the two of you together in a–
Melanie: Stop! Penny, who would you rather listen to? A woman who’s actually had relationships or someone who goes to strip clubs five times a week?
Frankie: Oh, whoa. Look at that. It’s already time for our first break. We’ll be right back after we pay some bills. You’re talking about me going to strip clubs? Come on, my girlfriend is listening!
Melanie: You have a You have a girlfriend?
Frankie: Yes. I mean, I did.
Melanie: I’m sorry. Maybe this is a good opportunity for you. You could tell her that the strip clubs are your way of avoiding the intimacy that you would actually like.
Frankie: Wow. You know, that is exactly the sort of crap that women always buy. It might just be stupid enough to work.
Melanie: Thank you.

Frankie: Your advice wasn’t stupid enough to work. It was just stupid. Which way to your guest room?
Melanie: Wait, what? No.
Frankie: FYI, I sleep in the nude.
Elka: FYI, I live in the back.

Frankie: I I would’ve got a hotel, but I kind of maxed out my credit cards. So staying here really means a lot to me. Hey, Melanie, I don’t like down pillows!
Melanie: Shut up! You get what you get!
Frankie: So she the reason you guys look so sour?
Elka: Oh, Joy always looks that way.
Joy: We’re students at Cleveland state, And we flunked our finals. And our professor won’t give us a retest.
Frankie: Oh. Did you try seducing him?
Joy: Eh, I implied certain things, but it didn’t work.
Elka: Same.
Frankie: All right, plan B. Tell him that his classroom promoted unbalanced gender issues. He’ll beg you not to report that to the screeching feminists on the faculty board.
Joy: Well, that’s just chauvinistic. But it might work.
Frankie: It’s the least I can do for letting me stay with you. [yelling] I don’t like tiny soaps either!
Melanie: Shut up! Just shut up!
Frankie: You know, she’s just like my sisters. I come from a big Italian family.
Victoria: My boyfriend is Italian. He’s a widower, and I just met his children for the first time today. They all cried.
Frankie: Ah, it could have been worse. You could’ve sat in her chair. You sat in her chair.
Victoria: But I didn’t know it was her chair.
Frankie: Look, to them, she’s still in that chair. When Italian women die, they they don’t leave. They stick around and haunt their husbands forever. To keep ’em from being happy. Just like they did when they were alive.
Victoria: So what do I do?
Frankie: Invite them over here, where there’s no memory of his late wife. I’ll cook.
Victoria: Oh, that is so nice of you.
Joy: It worked! We’re getting the retest.
Elka: Well, how’s that going to help me?
Joy: Elka disagrees with something in the professor’s textbook, and Melanie’s advice was that teachers like to be challenged.
Frankie: Oh, no. No, no, no. Guys don’t want to be challenged. Just tell the professor whatever he wants to hear. Men just want to eat, drink, have sex, and not have their balls busted. Oh, speaking of, hey, Melanie.
Melanie: Go to your room, Frankie. My friends have problems, and they need my advice.
Elka: Actually, we’re good.
Joy: Frankie solved our problems.
Victoria: Yeah, it’s kind of nice getting the male perspective on things.
Melanie: Really? But you always come to me for advice. I’m the problem solver.
Frankie: Oh. You know what? Let’s forget that I just solved everybody’s problems in under three minutes, and let’s hear what Melanie has to say.
Melanie: How long are you going to be here?
Frankie: A while. My girlfriend gave me a look like she was gonna stab me with an ice pick. Oh, there’s the look.

Joy: So nice to meet all of you.
Small child: Thank you.
Joy: I wonder what’s keeping Victoria.
J.J.: She’s doing a hair and makeup test for my movie. You know, Anthony, Joy and Elka are students at Cleveland state, just like grandpa. You two get your final exam grades back yet?
Joy: No. They’ll be posted online tonight. We’re actually quite nervous.
Lisa: I think it’s so inspiring, Going back to school at your age.
Elka: Say thank you, Joy.
Frankie: Everybody, I made antipasti.
Melanie: We made antipasti, and it’s delicious. We have mozzarella.
Frankie: Mozzarell.
Melanie: Prosciutto.
Frankie: Prozhute.
Melanie: Cappicola.
Frankie: Gaba-gool.
Melanie: Would you stop? I’m sorry. Hi, I’m Melanie.
Frankie: And I’m Frankie. You must be J.J. Victoria let me read your script. I thought it was beautiful.
J.J.: Thank you.
Frankie: You know, from what your father wrote, Your mother must have been one hell of a broad.
Jessica: Oh, she was. Hey, you want to see a picture of her?
Frankie: Oh, sure. Oh, no offense, J.J., But your wife had a great rack.
Melanie: Frankie!
J.J.: No, he’s right. She was pretty, wasn’t she?
Lisa: Yeah. She was the most perfect mom anyone could ever. Hey, hey, none of that.
Joy: Maybe I should open another bottle of wine.
J.J.: No, let me do that for you, Joy.
Lisa: You know what? Dad’s right. We all agreed to keep our emotions in check tonight. I mean, yes, we love mom, but she is no longer with us.
[Victoria walks in the door in custome as the dead mother/wife]
Small child: Mommy, Nana woke up!
Victoria: I am so sorry. I’m just dressed like this for the movie. I meant to get home with plenty of time to change, but I’ll just go do that now.
Lisa: No, no, wait, wait. It’s just this might sound a little strange, but you look so much like my mother, and it just feels like she’s here. And there’s so much I want to say to you her Mom. Would it be too weird if I told you?
Victoria: It might be.
Lisa: I got that promotion, mom.
Victoria: Oh, congratulations Lisa?
Lisa: Yeah.
Frankie: Is it just me, or is this heading into a weird area?
Elka: Heading into?
Joy: You know, Victoria is so excited to play your mother in the movie, but how about she goes and changes so that we can all have dinner together?
Melanie: Yes, I made a delicious puttanesca puttanesc.
Frankie: That’s not a thing.
Melanie: You’re not a thing.

[J.J. walks in sees Victoria dressed as Connie and drops the wine bottle]
J.J.: Connie?
Victoria: J.J., it’s me, Victoria.
J.J.: Right. of course. Sorry, everybody. I’ll get something to clean that up.

Victoria: J.J., are you all right?
J.J.: Sorry, Victoria. For a moment, I thought it was her.
Victoria: And I saw the look in your eyes When you thought I was her. You’re still in love with her, aren’t you?
J.J.: I am.
Victoria: Well I’ll just go up and change, and and then we’ll talk.
J.J.: Yeah.

[phone rings]
Joy: Oh, my god, we both passed! I’m going to get a college degree! Owen and Wilbur will be so proud of me.
Elka: Oh, I’ve gotta text coach.

J.J.: Thought I was ready, Victoria.
Victoria: Yeah, I know.
J.J.: This grief thing doesn’t come with a playbook.
Victoria: I understand. I don’t think I’m completely over Emmet either. So is this good-bye?
J.J.: I don’t want it to be. You, the movie I think I just need to put everything on hold for a beat. How about not yet?
Victoria: Okay, not yet. They say it takes half the time you were married to get over it.
J.J.: Wow. 16 years.
Victoria: Three hours. And, believe it or not, that wasn’t my shortest marriage. We’ve lived very different lives.
J.J.: Well, I like our differences. I’m going to miss you. Eat a slice of pizza every now and then. And no knife and fork you just fold it and in.
Victoria: Okay, I will. And the next time you go to the drugstore and see a six-pack of tube socks on sale, just keep walking.
J.J.: Deal. Well, I better get going.
Victoria: No. I don’t want to be the one sitting here watching you walk away.
J.J.: Well, I don’t wanna watch you walk away either because it’ll remind me of how much I like watching you walk away.
Victoria: Okay, so we’ll do it together. Oh, J.J. On three. One, two, three.
J.J.: Don’t get too Hollywood.
Victoria: Don’t stay too Cleveland.

Victoria: Well, J. J. And I broke up.
Joy: I’m sorry.
Melanie: Me too.
Frankie: Don’t worry. I saw the way he looked at you. He’ll be back.
Melanie: Oh, that’s sweet, Frankie.
Frankie: Well, um, It’s been really good for me being around you guys. Actually, you’ve inspired me to go home and make things right with the girlfriend.
Melanie: So you’re going to tell her that you’re not going to go to strip clubs anymore?
Frankie: Damn straight.
Melanie: And you’re actually not going to go to strip clubs anymore?
Frankie: Ooh, yeah, that’s going to be a problem. But all kidding aside, Melanie, You’re a fantastic Italian girl. You’re too good to be alone.
Melanie: Thank you.
Frankie: I mean, you’re going to need a swiffer to clean out the cobwebs down there, but it’ll happen someday.
Melanie: Love you too, Frankie.
Frankie: All right, well, enough of this. Who wants some pizza?
Victoria: I would love a slice of pizza.
Joy: I’ll go and get you a knife and fork.
Victoria: No, no, no. That’s not how you eat pizza. This is how you eat pizza.
Elka: This has been fun, but I’ve got a game to go to.

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