Hot in Cleveland S05, Ep14 – Murder House

Season: 5
Episode: 14
Title: Murder House
Original Air Date: July 9, 2014


Guest Stars:
Rob Schneider: Chill
Juliet Mills: Philipa
Maggie Wheeler: Rachel
Harry Van Gorkum: Daniel


Synopsis: One of Melanie’s friends from high school, Rachel, comes to visit. She’s a rather depressing woman. She freaks out as the storm worsens. Elka is worried that the ghost of the woman murdered in the house exactly 50 years ago is coming back to kill her. The doorbell rings. Joy opens it expecting Victoria but instead finds her mother and her mothers boyfriend, Daniel. She recognizes Daniel, as she has slept with him before. Victoria comes back and she has brought “Chill,” an island man who is playing a steel drum. All are shocked. Due to the storm everyone is stuck in the house. The ladies discuss Victoria’s island man. Joy is freaking out about her mom’s boyfriend. Philipa assumes she’s jealous and they have a row. The ladies talk in Joy’s room. Back downstairs Chill leads everyone in a séance. Victoria pretends to be a ghost to try and get rid of Chill. Melanie does the same with Rachel. Daniel finally recalls having sex with Joy. They both agree to not mention it because they don’t want to hurt Philipa. The power goes out when a big lightening strike hits and they all hear a thud. When the lights come back on there’s a skeleton in the fireplace. Elka winds up sleeping with Joy, again.


Click on either link to grab the fifth season of the show, it’s a great way to support the ladies and have some serious laughs.

Amazon Hot in Cleveland: Season Five

iTunes Hot in Cleveland, Season 5 – Hot in Cleveland


Favorite Quotes:

* Elka: Have I ever mentioned there was a gruesome murder in this house?
Melanie: What?
Elka: And the ghost is coming back tonight.

* Elka: I don’t know what’s worse, hearing about Joy’s sex life or waiting for the ghost to kill me. Right now, I’m rooting for the ghost.

* Philipa: You are not my mother!
Joy: Then stop acting like a child!

* Joy: So, for the rest of my life, I must live with the knowledge that I gave my mother her first orgasm.

* Joy: Oh, just getting to know each other. And the more I do, the more I realize how good Daniel is for you. So, I give you my blessing.
Philipa: Well, I hardly need a blessing from you. But it warms my heart to get it.

* Victoria: I will. You know, we have a saying in this country. If you love something, set it free. And if it comes back to you, just keep setting it free until it gets the message.

* Elka: Good night, Joy. I’ll be here when you wake up in the morning.
Joy: Why are you telling me that?
Elka: I thought you’d like to hear it once.


Transcript:

Joy: So, Rachel, you and Melanie were best friends in high school, huh?
Rachel: We had to be. Nobody else was gonna be friends with us, right, “smellanie”?
Melanie: [laughs] I go by “Melanie” now. So, how are things with you and Tom?
Rachel: Oh, that’s over. You know, after he got hit by lightning on the putt-putt golf course, he lost control of all his functions, and then he had to use that Stephen Hawking thing to communicate. Then one morning, he just rolled up to me, and he said, [artificial voice] “I don’t love you anymore.”
[thunder cracks]
Joy: The storm is really getting worse. I hope Victoria is gonna be okay. Our friend Victoria is flying home today from an island vacation.
Melanie: We shouldn’t worry, Joy. I’m sure she’s gonna be fine.
Rachel: I don’t know, they’ve upgraded it to a super storm. Super storm Mary. A lot of people are gonna die.
Melanie: Rachel, nobody is going to die.
Elka: We’re all doomed!
Joy: Elka, it’s just a bad storm. It’s nothing to worry about.
Elka: Have I ever mentioned there was a gruesome murder in this house?
Melanie: What?
Elka: And the ghost is coming back tonight.
Rachel: She’s right about the murder. Before I go to anybody’s house, I visit diedinhouse.com.
Joy: Oh, my god, it’s true. 50 Years ago to the day. “Violently stormy night, woman found murdered, case never solved. Victim’s name was Mary.” Just like the storm.
Elka: See how the science is adding up?
Melanie: Wh–why would she be after you?
Elka: She thought I was having an affair with her boyfriend. I have a sense that at any moment, something horrible is gonna come through that door.
[doorbell rings]
[all scream]
Joy: Oh, this is silly. It’s just Victoria. She forgot her keys. It’s not some ghoul from the past come to haunt us. [doorbell rings, Joy answers the door ] [thunder cracks] Mother!
Philipa: Hello, Rejoyla.
Joy: What are you doing here?
Philipa: My plane had to make an emergency landing, thanks to your American weather. Was on my way to Hawaii.
Joy: Hawaii? You hate places where everyone’s happy.
Philipa: No, Daniel’s changed all that.
Joy: Who’s Daniel?
Philipa: This is Daniel Monroe, my boyfriend.
Daniel: Hello all. Ah, and you must be Joy.
Joy: Yes.
Daniel: Pleasure.
Philipa: Well don’t look so shocked, Rejoyla. [chuckles] Yes, he’s a bit younger. But we’re very happy. Now, where can we freshen up, dear?
Joy: Uh, right this way.
Philipa: Oh, hello, everyone. The airport was dreadful. I didn’t see her face, but there was this ridiculous woman with beaded hair chanting and making a scene.
Victoria: I’m back! And I am one with the universe.
Rachel: Remember, in high school, when we both got the Bo Derek hairdos, and the boys said that even together we weren’t a ten.
Melanie: Yeah, good times. Oh, and speaking of good times, now would probably be a really good time for you to get on the road. I mean, before it gets dangerous.
Rachel: Oh, you know, you’re probably right. I-I should go. I have a long drive home.
Victoria: Safe travels, sour-faced angel.
Melanie: Okay, Victoria. What’s going on?
Victoria: I went on vacation because I was so filled with stress about all that Oscar nonsense. But the island changed everything. This is the new me.
Melanie: You said the same thing about kabala, and scientology, and remember when you were Amish?
Victoria: But those “new Me’s” were so typical of the old me. This new me is the real new me.
Joy: I slept with my mother’s boyfriend.
Elka: Already?
Joy: No, it was decades ago. And we’re both acting like we never met, but how long can we keep that up? What the hell?
[steel drum music]
Melanie: What’s that?
Victoria: Oh, I brought back a little souvenir from the island. I give you, Chill.
Chill: So, this is my new home.

Victoria: I was on the beach, trying to get all of my Hollywood worries out of my head, and the next thing I knew this beautiful man had his hands in my hair and was braiding, and weaving, and filling my head with his profound thoughts. Oh, tell them one!
Chill: [chuckles] Don’t worry, be happy.
Victoria: And so I no longer worry about winning an Oscar. I just be happy.
Joy: Did nobody hear what I said? I slept with my mother’s boyfriend!
Chill: Lady, lady, la– lady, right? Everyone make love to everyone eventually. Eventually, I will make love to all of you. Now I must go upstairs, to be closer to the healing ions from the storm.
Victoria: Oh, I know what all of you are thinking– I have found my soul mate.
Elka: Yeah, that’s what we’re all thinking.
Daniel: Um, excuse me, do you mind if I put on a pot of tea?
Joy: Of course. I’ll help you.
Daniel: Oh, thank you.
Joy: What are gonna do?
Daniel: Well, normally I would put the tea leaves in first.
Joy: No, not about the tea! About the fact that we slept together.
Daniel: [laughs] WHAT? We never slept together.
Joy: You don’t remember having sex with me?
Daniel: Look, Joy, your mother mentioned in passing that you’ve slept with thousands of men. Perhaps you’re thinking of one of them.
Joy: You’re lying. What’s your game?
Daniel: I don’t have a game.
[thunder cracks]
Joy: I’m on to you.

Joy: Daniel claims he doesn’t remember having sex with me.
Elka: Sometimes, when something horrific happens, you blot it out.
Joy: I can assure you, he would not forget me. He was a clumsy lover at first, but then I taught him this certain move that changed everything.
Elka: I don’t know what’s worse, hearing about Joy’s sex life or waiting for the ghost to kill me. Right now, I’m rooting for the ghost.
Joy: I’d say he was a gigolo, but my mother doesn’t have any money. I know Daniel is up to something. I just don’t know what to do about it.
Philipa: You don’t have to do anything. And how dare you be suspicious of my boyfriend.
Joy: But your relationship is suspicious. How did you even meet him?
Philipa: If you must know, I was at a cafe and he talked me into buying a Jaguar.
Joy: What?
Philipa: And if you don’t believe he loves me, then why did he ask me to marry him?
Joy: What?
Victoria: Oh, Joy, let it go. Let this cool breeze calm your– what? “Helen Mirren, Oscar’s surest bet”? Wha–they’re already making Oscar predictions and I’m not being predicted?
Melanie: And .. she’s back!
Victoria: Oh, my God, what was I thinking? Ugh! Okay. I just have to get these friggin’ beads out of my hair, put on my beautiful clothes, and everything will be back to normal. [steel drum music] Oh, crap. My soul mate. [steel drum music] Uh, Philipa, let me take you to the airport. And chill, why don’t you grab your passport and come with us?
Rachel: The storm is getting worse. All the roads are closed. We’re all gonna die.. Together, in this haunted house.
[thunder cracks]
Chill:- Don’t worry, be happy?

Joy: I just don’t know what to do. The whole thing is such a weird reversal. Mom’s always hated my boyfriends, and now I hate hers.
Elka: If they get married, will you call him “daddy”? Or did you do that when you slept with him?
Melanie: You know, Joy, maybe this is your chance to treat your mom the way you wish she had treated you with your boyfriends.
Joy: I suppose I could do that.
Victoria: But what do I do? Chill is like one of those things you get on vacation that seems fabulous when you’re there but ridiculous when you get back home.
[sighs] Do you remember that hideous pineapple purse I bought in Mexico?
Elka: [laughs] I do. You gave it to me for Christmas.
Victoria: You’re welcome.
Melanie: Well, what am I gonna do about Rachel? I mean, I have moved on from high school, but she just keeps trying to drag me back.
Joy: Oh, it’s just one night, and she’s really not that bad.
Rachel: Oh, there you are. I brought our yearbook.
Melanie: Oh.
Rachel: Yeah, I thought it would be fun if we circled everyone who’s dead now.
Melanie: Mm-hmm.

[thunder cracks]
[bongo music]
Victoria: Chill, you know how you go on a tropical vacation and you buy a pineapple purse, and you get it home and you wonder, “what was I thinking? Now that doesn’t belong here”?
Chill: Completely. On St. Lucia, they sell these puka shell flip-flops. I bought a pair, and I brought them back to my island. [chuckles] Looked totally crazy there! Victoria, come to me. Come to me. Please, come into our Ohio hammock.
Victoria: No, it’s– it’s a little too cold.
Chill: Let chill make you hot.
Victoria: No, let– actually, what I would prefer is if you just put some pajamas on.
Chill: But night is time to be free.
Victoria: Well, I’m sorry, but I prefer a man who wears pajamas. But I understand if that’s a deal breaker. Message received.
Chill: No I will put on these pajamas. For you, I will force this terrible material upon my skin.
Victoria: It’s flannel.
Chill: “Flan-nel.” So stiff. So unnatural.

Philipa: I’m glad you wanted to talk, Rejoyla. I know you don’t approve of Daniel.
Joy: Well, I’m not here to argue. I just want us to be able to talk as friends.
Philipa: That’s my wish as well. And let me tell you, Joy, [laughs] girlfriend to girlfriend. I have never experienced such intense pleasure as I have with Daniel. Your father told me I was having orgasms all those years, but it turned out that I wasn’t. I was just having the air squeezed out of me by his portly frame.
Joy: Well, that’s .. vivid. But passing lightly from sex–
Philipa: You know, I’m finally beginning to understand why you sleep around so much. You know, Daniel does this thing. I don’t know where he learned it, or what wonderful woman taught it to him, but it’s wave after wave of ecstasy. Whoo! A little aftershock. Oh, it’s so good to share. After years of tense rows, friends is so much nicer.
Joy: [laughs] Isn’t it? And, as a friend, I was just wondering what you really know about Daniel, because I checked online– as friends do– and I couldn’t find anything about him.
Philipa: So you’re saying you don’t trust him?
Joy: No, no, I’m just saying I don’t want you to get hurt.
Philipa: You haven’t changed at all. You just can’t stand it when I’m happy!
Joy: What? I have only ever wanted you to be happy. And you’re the one who picked holes in every relationship I ever had.
Philipa: Well, I was wrong! I should have said, “If you’re happy, I’m happy.”
Joy: No, no, I was wrong. I should have said, “thank you for rightly pointing out that I was making horrible choices that will end in tears.” Daniel is obviously after your money.
Philipa: Because he couldn’t possibly love me for who I am.
Joy: No, I just think you need to end this, immediately.
Philipa: You are not my mother!
Joy: Then stop acting like a child! As long as you’re under my roof, it’s my rules!
Philipa: You don’t know anything! And you don’t care about my feelings!
Joy: And don’t you dare slam that– [door slams]

Joy: So, for the rest of my life, I must live with the knowledge that I gave my mother her first orgasm.
Victoria: Well, I can top that. I went on a three-week vacation and all I have to show for it is a filthy beach bum whose filthy beach bum is on my silk pillows.
Elka: Hey, it’s 12:05.
Melanie: And the murder happened at midnight. You’re safe!
[laughs]
[thunder cracks]
[lights go out]
Joy: Elka, do you still set your watch five minutes fast?
Elka: Yes.

[thunder rumbles]
Chill: Usually, when I do a séance, I summon the spirits under the moonlight on the warm beach after I’ve made love to everyone in the circle. Anyone? Okay, rain check. Let the séance begin. Mary, speak through us. Spirit of Mary, come on down!
Victoria [acting]: I am the spirit of Mary. I have a message for the island man. Go home. You must go home. Did something happen? What did the ghost say? Oh, we must obey her.
Chill: Don’t worry, my precious Victoria. Your island man’s not going nowhere.
Rachel: And I’m not going anywhere either. I feel the spirit is telling me to stay in Cleveland.
Melanie: What? Rachel. Don’t be crazy. Go back to Scottsdale.
Rachel: It’s Phoenix.
Melanie: Same airport.
[thunder cracks]
Elka: Ah!
Chill: Tell me about the murder. Who were the suspects?
Rachel: There were two. The first was Mary’s daughter, and the second was a foreign man that Mary was dating.
Joy: I bet the daughter did it. She probably couldn’t take her mother’s stubborn attitude.
Philipa: Maybe Mary was happy for once in her life, and her daughter couldn’t stand it.
Victoria: I’m sure it was the foreign man. If he’d just gone home, everything would have been fine.
Elka: This séance stinks.
Philipa: You know, I think you’re a bit jealous that a man like Daniel wouldn’t look at you twice.
Joy: I give up. You just keep making it harder. Harder! harder!
Daniel: ..harder… Now, where have I heard that? [gasps] Oh, my god!
Philipa: Daniel, what’s wrong? You look like you’ve seen a ghost.
Chill: What? This never worked before. I mean, welcome, spirit.
Daniel: I really could use a drink.
Philipa: You heard him, Rejoyla. Get Daniel a drink.
Chill: Why so sad, sad girl? I am from an island, but you, you are an island.
Rachel: That is so deep.
Chill: Victoria, will you share me?
Victoria: I’m sorry?
Chill: Share?
Victoria: I will. You know, we have a saying in this country. If you love something, set it free. And if it comes back to you, just keep setting it free until it gets the message.

Joy: So, you remember everything?
Daniel: Yes, your angry sex sounds brought it all back to me. [thunder rumbles] [sighs] What am I gonna do? Philipa will be devastated. But we agreed from the start, no secrets. In fact, it’s her frank honesty that I love most about her.
Joy: Yes, frank honesty is one of her leading qualities.
Daniel: But there’s so much more to her. We discover new things about each other every day. It’s like we’re both finally finding out what love really is. [sighs] I’ll be lost if I lose her.
Joy: Oh, Daniel, that’s lovely. I don’t recall such depth of feeling from you.
Daniel: Well, I wasn’t like this back then.
Joy: And even if you had been, I wouldn’t have been smart enough to see it.
Daniel: Yeah. We were two different, rather inferior, people.
Joy: So, since our thing happened to two different people, why should these two people here now– who both want to keep from hurting that woman out there– even bring it up?

Philipa: What have you two been talking about?
Joy: Oh, just getting to know each other. And the more I do, the more I realize how good Daniel is for you. So, I give you my blessing.
Philipa: Well, I hardly need a blessing from you. But it warms my heart to get it.
Joy: Oh, Mom.
Philipa: Oh.
Melanie: Well, I’d say it’s been a good night.
Victoria: Mm.
Melanie: I mean, even Elka managed to avoid Mary’s ghost or spirit or whatever it is.
[laughter]
Elka: I feel a little cheated. I really thought there’d be something.
[thunder cracks]
[all screaming]
[thud]
Elka: Oh.
[gasping]
[thunder rumbling]
Elka: That might be something.

Joy: Elka, what are you doing in my bed? The storm’s over.
Elka: I know that, but George is still terrified. Look at him.
Joy: All right, fine. I talked to the police. They believe the bones in the fireplace belong to a local burglar who disappeared 50 years ago. Their theory is that he robbed and murdered Mary, attempted to escape up the chimney where he bumped his head and died.
Elka: And he’s been up there this whole time?
Joy: Yes. Which begs the question, don’t you ever have the chimney cleaned? Good night, Elka.
Elka: Good night, Joy. I’ll be here when you wake up in the morning.
Joy: Why are you telling me that?
Elka: I thought you’d like to hear it once.

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