Hot in Cleveland S05, Ep02 – Surprise!

Season: 5
Episode: 2
Title: Surprise!
Original Air Date: April 2, 2014


Guest Stars:
Jay Harrington: Alec
Thomas Lennon: Agent Gilmore
Jaime Pressly: Kelly
Cesili: Waitress
Thomas Anthony Jones: Dr. Wilcox
Ryan Culver: Darryl
Stephen Snedden: Chuck


Synopsis: Each of the ladies are given a polygraph test. They pass and the agent is shocked. He will be following Victoria around. Meanwhile, Melanie goes to tell Alec that she is pregnant. But she blurts it out as they go into his dark apartment…where a surprise birthday party is waiting. The ladies follow behind as well because they just couldn’t miss Melanie telling Alec. Alec and his girlfriend, along with Joy and Victoria go to the doctor appointment with Melanie. It turns out she isn’t pregnant and it could be something more serious. Joy is having the time of her life. Everywhere she goes men are hitting on her. Elka tells her its because Simon is back and she no longer reeks of desperation. Melanie finds out that she has cancer. Victoria, Joy and Elka are all really upset. However, Melanie is happy because she got her Jimmy Choos back from ebay. Emmet put a note in the toe of one of the shoes for Victoria. She is happy to know that he is ok.


Click on either link to grab the fifth season of the show, it’s a great way to support the ladies and have some serious laughs.

Amazon Hot in Cleveland: Season Five

iTunes Hot in Cleveland, Season 5 – Hot in Cleveland


Favorite Quotes:

* Melanie: What does that machine say?
Agent Gilmore: It’s a polygraph, ma’am, not a magic eight ball.

* Melanie: There’s no reason to be mean.
Agent Gilmore: Sorry, ma’am.
Melanie: I was talking about the “ma’am.”

* Elka: All three of ’em are crazy.
Agent Gilmore: That’s registering as true.
Elka: You didn’t look at the machine.
Agent Gilmore: I didn’t have to.

* Elka: I slept with Frank Sinatra.
Agent Gilmore: And why are you telling me this?
Elka: What does the machine say?
Agent: Gilmore: “Truthful statement.”
Elka: Finally, I have proof! Print that out.

* Victoria: Oh, I must really miss Emmet. Even my house surrounded by paparazzi isn’t cheering me up. I- I just wish I knew he was okay.

* Joy: It’s posted by a seller in Newark.
Victoria: Ahh, so he made it out of the country. Oh, run, Emmet, run.
Joy: Newark is in New Jersey.

* Melanie: Yeah, I don’t even know if my shoes will fit me anymore. My feet swell up two sizes when I’m pregnant. Pregnant. How did this happen?
Elka: Well, Melanie, when a man and a woman love each other very much, and the woman is pushing 50- how did this happen?

* Victoria: What, someone your age getting pregnant? Well, even Edge of Tomorrow wouldn’t touch that.

* Kelly: Uh, but who are these women?
Melanie: Guys.
Victoria: I got this. We’re Melanie’s dearest friends, who have been eavesdropping in the hallway, just in case she hideously embarrassed herself. Which she did.

* Elka: Well, now that you’re not looking for a man, you don’t reek of desperation.
Joy: Reek of desperation? That’s insane. There’s no smell.

* Man: Oh, uh, how old’s your baby?
Joy: 400 months.

* Melanie: I don’t understand. I took, like, three home pregnancy tests. They were all positive.
Joy: It’s true. Our waste bin looked like a sorority house dumpster a month after spring break.

* Melanie: I got ’em back from eBay.
Joy: That was you? You’re Thosearemyshoesbitch99?


Transcript:

Agent Gilmore: Special Agent Griffin Gilmore, administering polygraph examination. Case number 2498, escape from Ohio Federal Corrections facility, prisoner: Emmet Lawson.
Victoria: Sir.
Agent: Yes?
Victoria: Emmet is a Sir. He was knighted by the Queen, you know, like Sir Elton John and Sir Paul McCartney. I mean, maybe the queen is just a big fame whore and this is her way of meeting celebrities, but it should count for something.
Agent Gilmore: It doesn’t. Okay, I’m gonna ask you a few simple questions, just to establish a baseline response. State your name.
Victoria: Victoria Chase.
Agent Gilmore: Age?
Victoria: What do you mean?
Agent Gilmore: How old you are.
Victoria: Pass. Next question.
Agent: Address?
Victoria: Uh, 60-something Cedarcliff Road, Cleveland Ohio. I I still can’t believe that I actually live in Cleveland. But in L. A. , we were feeling devalued and disposable.
Agent Gilmore: Ms. Chase, this is a criminal investigation, not a celebrity interview.
Victoria: No, you know what this is? This This is ridiculous. Now I don’t know anything about where Emmet is, or if he’s okay, or if I’m ever going to see him again. All I know is that he left prison wearing my clothes, my wig, and my shoes.

Melanie: Her shoes? Those are my shoes. Worked with jeans and dresses a five-inch heel you could actually walk in. I miss them. I’m sorry, I’m a little hormonal. Is that thing affected by someone being pregnant?
Agent Gilmore: No, but I don’t see why that would be an issue.
Melanie: What is that supposed to mean? That I’m too old to get pregnant?
Agent Gilmore: And that’s registering as a truthful statement.
Melanie: Well, the joke’s on you, lie detector, because I am pregnant.
Agent Gilmore: Oh, congratulations to you and your husband.
Melanie: Thank you. We’re very happy.
Agent: And that’s registering as a false statement.
Melanie: Okay, um, I’m not married. But my boyfriend is thrilled.
Agent Gilmore: That’s also registering false.
Melanie: Fine, he’s not my boyfriend anymore and I haven’t told him. We broke up months ago and I don’t know what to do. But I really should tell him, shouldn’t I? What does that machine say?
Agent Gilmore: It’s a polygraph, ma’am, not a magic eight ball.
Melanie: There’s no reason to be mean.
Agent Gilmore: Sorry, ma’am.
Melanie: I was talking about the “ma’am.”

Joy: It’s just the weirdest thing. The last few days, men have been coming out of the woodwork and hitting on me, giving me the old, “hey, how’s it going?” On one hand, it’s flattering. On the other, it’s terrible timing. Do you know what I mean?
Agent Gilmore: I asked if you were ready to begin.
Joy: I am.
Agent Gilmore: Ms. Scroggs, do you recall anything strange about Emmet Lawson’s behavior the last time that you saw him?
Joy: No. But I was too distracted by the fact that the priest, an undercover tabloid reporter, turned out to be the baby-daddy I haven’t seen in 33 years. And he’s coming back for me, as soon as he infiltrates Kensington Palace and gets pictures of the royal baby.

Elka: All three of ’em are crazy.
Agent Gilmore: That’s registering as true.
Elka: You didn’t look at the machine.
Agent Gilmore: I didn’t have to.
Elka: There’s something I need to confess.
Agent Gilmore: Yes?
Elka: It happened 50 years ago, during a drunken weekend in Atlantic City.
Agent Gilmore: Go on.
Elka: I slept with Frank Sinatra.
Agent Gilmore: And why are you telling me this?
Elka: What does the machine say?
Agent Gilmore: “Truthful statement.”
Elka: Finally, I have proof! Print that out.
Agent Gilmore: No, no, I cannot release this.
Elka: Yes, you can. I’ve got a Facebook status to update.

Agent Gilmore: Well, I have never experienced anything like that in my career. You are either an extremely skilled liar or an extremely honest 28-year-old.
Victoria: Thank you.
Elka: You got one truth out of us Sinatra. He did me his way.
Agent Gilmore: Ms. Chase, you are still a person of interest in the case, and will remain under 24-hour surveillance.
Joy: I’ll see you out. Victoria Chase will not be making any statements at this difficult and heartbreaking time.
Reporter: Hey, how’s it going?
Victoria: Oh, I must really miss Emmet. Even my house surrounded by paparazzi isn’t cheering me up. I- I just wish I knew he was okay.
Melanie: Well, honey, just don’t think the worst.
Victoria: Well, if I don’t hear from him soon, I am gonna lose my mind.
Joy: Maybe we should be looking for clues the FBI isn’t looking for.
Melanie: Like what?
Joy: Emmet left in Victoria’s wedding clothes, right? Those shoes are valuable. And since those shoes are valuable, someone’s either wearing them or trying to make money off them on eBay. Ah-ha!
Melanie: My shoes!
Joy: It’s posted by a seller in Newark.
Victoria: Ahh, so he made it out of the country. Oh, run, Emmet, run.
Joy: Newark is in New Jersey. I’m contacting the seller to see if she has any information on Emmet. We have our first lead.
Victoria: Oh, thank God. You know, on Edge of Tomorrow, Honor St. Raven once cloned a missing lover from the DNA left in his shoe.
Elka: Let’s call that “Plan B.”
Melanie: Yeah, I don’t even know if my shoes will fit me anymore. My feet swell up two sizes when I’m pregnant. Pregnant. How did this happen?
Elka: Well, Melanie, when a man and a woman love each other very much, and the woman is pushing 50- how did this happen?
Melanie: It just did. And I have to tell Alec.
Victoria: Are you hoping that the two of you–
Melanie: I don’t know what I’m hoping. This conversation is not gonna be easy. I broke his heart. I hope we can talk about it calmly, as adults, with the least amount of drama and awkwardness possible. I think I can do that.
Joy: Without alcohol?
Melanie: Oh, God. Victoria, tell me what crazy thing you did on Edge of Tomorrow when this situation came up.
Victoria: What, someone your age getting pregnant? Well, even Edge of Tomorrow wouldn’t touch that.

Melanie: Hey, Alec. Mm. Hi, Alec. Aah. Alec.
Alec: Melanie.
Melanie: Aah! Oh. Alec, Alec, I didn’t expect to see you here.
Alec: But you’re standing right outside my apartment.
Melanie: Yes. Yes, I am. I know it’s weird, me coming here out of the blue. But it’s just that I have something I need to tell you. It’s nothing, really. Oh. I mean, it’s not nothing, it’s something. It’s a whole lot of something. Unless you want it to be nothing. In that case, I totally understand.
Alec: I don’t even partly understand. Why don’t we go inside and talk about it?
Melanie: Alec, I’m pregnant and it’s yours.
All: Surprise!
Melanie: Hi, everybody. I’m so sorry about this. I can’t imagine anything more awkward.
Kelly: I can. Hi. I’m Kelly, Alec’s new girlfriend.
Melanie: Hi. I’m Melanie, Alec’s old Ex-girlfriend.
Kelly: I know. I saw your face on the photo mug you gave him.
Melanie: You kept that?
Kelly: It broke. Now I know why you’re here. You’re pregnant with my boyfriend’s baby. Uh, but who are these women?
Melanie: Guys.
Victoria: I got this. We’re Melanie’s dearest friends, who have been eavesdropping in the hallway, just in case she hideously embarrassed herself. Which she did.
Man: Hey, how’s it going?
Joy: Again!
Alec: Melanie, maybe we should talk in private.
Kelly: I’m not leaving. I live here.
Melanie: You live here? Wow, that was fast.
Ladies: If she’s staying, we’re staying.
Elka: And if we’re staying, I’m pouring.

Alec: Melanie, I don’t want you to think I’m not happy about this news. We talked about having children. We also talked about having children, but that we would plan. Not that unplanned children aren’t exciting exciting in a confusing way. Is it incredibly hot in here?
Melanie: Maybe I should go.
Alec: No, no, wait. I wanna be there every step of the way for this baby.
Kelly: We’ll be there every step of the way.
Alec: Have you been to the doctor yet?
Melanie: My first appointment’s tomorrow.
Alec: I’ll be there.
Kelly: We’ll be there. Look, I’m not normally so bitchy. In fact, I bet if we met under different circumstances, we’d be friends. And I’d be wondering where you got that great dress.
Melanie: Oh, thanks. Yeah, I got it at–
Kelly: But under these circumstances, all I’m wondering is, what makes you so sure that Alec’s the father of that baby?
[all gasp]
Elka: Oh, a drink and a show.

Melanie: You know, in France, pregnant women are allowed to drink wine.
Elka: Yes, but then they give birth to French people.
Waitress: This is from that gentleman over there.
Man: Hey. How’s it going?
Joy: What is going on? Why am I suddenly so desirable?
Elka: It’s Simon.
Joy: Simon? How do you figure?
Elka: Well, now that you’re not looking for a man, you don’t reek of desperation.
Joy: Reek of desperation? That’s insane. There’s no smell.
Elka: You know who smelled great? Sinatra.
Melanie: I still can’t believe you slept with him.
Elka: We started off strangers in the night. But by the wee small hours, this lady was a tramp.
Joy: Can I ask you something? Why did you send that drink?
Man: Well, you’re a beautiful woman. I mean, I didn’t see a ring. I thought maybe we could have dinner sometime.
Joy: Oh, normally I would love that, but I can’t, as I’ve just rekindled a relationship with my baby-daddy.
Man: Oh, uh, how old’s your baby?
Joy: 400 months.
Man: Well, I didn’t mean to get in the middle of a serious relationship.
Joy: Thanks. Though it’s hard to say how serious it is. He’s out of the country and he said he’d come back. But what if he doesn’t? You know how men are, at least with me. So I guess the smart thing would be to hedge my bet. So it can’t hurt if I give you my phone number and email. I’m also on Instagram and Facebook, just search for Scroggdogg39, which is also my Twitter handle. Here you go. And you can just tell me your name when you call me.
Melanie: So?
Joy: Not one word about desperation.
Waitress: Oh, I’m sorry. The gentleman would like his drink back.

Joy: Oh, I got a message from the lady on eBay.
Victoria: What does it say?
Joy: “Your shoes were found in the dressing room of the Newark Community Playhouse.”
Victoria: Community Theater in New Jersey? He was better off in prison. I- I’m driving myself crazy waiting to hear from him. And the worst part is, I know that FBI agent is sitting on all kinds of information.
Melanie: What are you doing?
Victoria: I’m a woman, Melanie. I think I can get information from a man.

Agent Gilmore: Ms. Chase.
Victoria: Agent Gilmore. May I tell you something in strictest confidence?
Agent Gilmore: I’ve been hoping that you would.
Victoria: I’ve been watching you watch me, and I think you’re wasting your talents with the government. Oh, you’re a good-looking guy. You should be playing an FBI agent on TV. And not just network TV. Premium cable with nudity. I’d watch that.
Agent Gilmore: Seriously? Wow. That is something coming from Victoria Chase. May I say something to you also in confidence?
Victoria: Oh, please, tell me anything.
Agent Gilmore: When I look into your eyes, it’s like I’m seeing two people. There’s the Victoria Chase that everyone knows: beautiful, brilliant, confident. But behind that there’s a woman who’s fragile, soft sometimes even sad.
Victoria: Oh, my God. That is so true. How do you know?
Agent Gilmore: Because they teach us to use that line on women in, like, the first day of interrogation class. Do not try to play me, Ms. Chase. I cannot comment on the investigation.
Victoria: I’m sorry. I just I love Emmet so much and I don’t even know if he’s alive. Can’t you just give me something?
Agent Gilmore: I can’t comment on the case.
Victoria: I understand.
Agent Gilmore: But I can ask you a question. Do you really think we’d be trailing you if we weren’t fairly certain that your husband were going to contact you?
Victoria: Thank you for that. And, you know, you’re really not as tough as you seem.
Agent Gilmore: I could kill a man with my thumb. I can also kill a man with my elbow, so I guess I’m two people too.

Dr. Wilcox: Oh! Full house.
Melanie: Hi, Dr. Wilcox. This is Alec, the baby’s father, and Kelly, the baby’s father’s girlfriend, and my girlfriends Victoria and Joy.
Dr. Wilcox: Hey. How’s it going?
Joy: It’s back.
Dr. Wilcox: Melanie, I was hoping we might be able to talk privately.
Melanie: Oh, no, that’s okay. There’s nothing you can’t say in front of these people that care about me and Kelly.
Dr. Wilcox: Okay. I found some abnormalities in your blood work that were indicative of a false pregnancy. So we re-ran it and confirmed that you are definitely not pregnant.
Melanie: I don’t understand. I took, like, three home pregnancy tests. They were all positive.
Joy: It’s true. Our waste bin looked like a sorority house dumpster a month after spring break.
Melanie: So what could be causing the false pregnancy?
Dr. Wilcox: There are a number of things it could be, some of them potentially serious. So we need to do more tests.
Melanie: Oh, well, how how serious?
Dr. Wilcox: Unfortunately, this isn’t my area of expertise, but I can recommend some very capable doctors. Let me get you a list.
Kelly: I’m sorry, Melanie. We should go.
Alec: Yeah. Uh, just give me a minute.
Victoria: Um, we’ll be outside.
Alec: Look, I wanted to stand by your side during your pregnancy. And I’ll stand by your side for whatever this is.
Melanie: That’s sweet. Thank you. But I have a really good support team.
Alec: Yes, you do.
Victoria: Yeah, she does.

Melanie: Okay, I am ready to tell you now. I have a tumor in my pituitary gland, but they caught it early, so it’s treatable.
Elka: What?
Joy: Oh, my God, Melanie. A brain tumor?
Melanie: Yeah, but it’s highly curable. It’s, like, literally the best tumor you can get.
Victoria: And you deserve the best, Melanie.
Melanie: I will have to have radiation and maybe surgery, but they just go in up through your nose and snip it out.
Victoria: Wow! And when they’re up there, they can fix that little bump.
Melanie: What bump?
Joy: Victoria!
Victoria: Oh, yes, and we’ll do the lips too.
Melanie: Okay. I’m not pregnant, so my feet won’t swell up, so I can wear my Jimmy Choos again!
Victoria: Ohh.
Melanie: I got ’em back from eBay.
Joy: That was you? You’re Thosearemyshoesbitch99?
(doorbell rings)
Victoria: Agent Gilmore.
Agent Gilmore: Just wanted to let you know that another agent will be here soon. I’ve been taken off the case.
Victoria: Why?
Agent Gilmore: Well, they said my reports indicate that I have gotten too emotionally involved, but I’ve just been writing the facts the way that I see them. Kelly is obviously a rebound. Simon would be a fool not to come back for Joy. And how else would I describe your eyes other than beautiful? Now with Melanie’s tumor. I should be going. Victoria, perhaps if we’d met under different circumstances never mind. It’s in the report.
Victoria: Good luck, Agent Gilmore. Ow.
Agent Gilmore: Sorry. It’s my killing thumb.
Victoria: Well, he was my last chance of getting any information on Emmet. You know, the last time I saw that shoe it was my wedding day.
Melanie: There’s something in the toe. Oh, my God. It’s a note for you.
Victoria: Oh, my God. It’s from Emmet. “My darling Victoria, if this reaches you, “know that I am safe and that I love you. I have a plan and will contact you soon. We will be together again. From your devoted husband.”
Melanie: Oh, sweetie.
Joy: That’s wonderful.
Elka: How did he know you’d get the shoe back?
Victoria: Well, he didn’t know, but he had hope. And now I have hope.
Melanie: I have hope too. I am gonna beat this brain tumor.
Joy: You know, both of your problems have put things in perspective for me. I need to stop being so desperate. If Simon gets in contact, good. But if he doesn’t, it’s cool. I’m not gonna define myself by whether or not some man– Aah! It’s a text from Simon! He’s coming next week and he can’t wait to see me! What am I gonna wear? What if my face breaks out? What if he meets a more beautiful woman than me on the plane? I’ll kill her. That’s what I’ll do. And I’ll do it slowly.
Elka: You know who else liked to do it slowly? Old Red Eyes.
Melanie: Sinatra was “Old Blue Eyes.”
Elka: When I snuck into his room, he was pretty drunk.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s