Hot in Cleveland S05, Ep01 – Stayin’ Alive

Season: 5
Episode: 1
Title: Stayin’ Alive
Original Air Date: March 26, 2014


Guest Stars:
Cedric the Entertainer: Reverend Boyce
Georgia Engel: Mamie
Ken Jeong: Dr. Kang
Constance Zimmer: Lily
D.W. Moffet: Chester
Alex Trebek: Narrator
Albert Tsai: Scout
Dave Foley: Bob


Synopsis: This show was aired live. The ladies go to an old hideout of Elka’s. A cabin in the woods. But when they get there two other bad guys are there. The bad guys are married and their marriage counselor shows up. He doesn’t help them. Bob arrives and they pretend he is the plastic surgeon, but then when he goes to his car to get is phone the real plastic surgeon shows up. Dr. Kang is obsessed with Victoria’s Mrs. Ladypants commericals. She goes off with him and recreates the commercials. In the kitchen Bob, Joy, Melanie and Elka try to come up with a plan. Joy is going out the window and Bob is pushing her. However, Chester walks in and catches them in the act. Bob covers saying they were having sex. Back in the living room Joy comes up with a plan for Melanie to flirt with Chester. Mamie and Elka are blowing smoke signals. A boy scout comes to help but also winds up a hostage. Then Alex Trebeck shows up and saves them all.


Click on either link to grab the fifth season of the show, it’s a great way to support the ladies and have some serious laughs.

Amazon Hot in Cleveland: Season Five

iTunes Hot in Cleveland, Season 5 – Hot in Cleveland


Favorite Quotes:

* Melanie: If only someone among us had a criminal past.
Victoria: And was once married to the mob.
Joy: And is right here and old enough to remember where she was when Caesar was assassinated.

* Melanie: What are you even doing here?
Bob: I got Joy’s sexy text.
Joy: My text says I needed a few days off.
Bob: The text I got said you wanted me to get you off for a few days.
Joy: Stupid auto correct.

* Bob: Well, perhaps we will never know who the real Genho Kang is.
Dr. Kang: It’s so obvious that it’s me.
Bob: Well, that’s just racist.

* Melanie: It’s a commercial that Victoria did in Asia it’s about a product how can I put this delicately?
Elka: She models diapers.

* Mamie: He is like the original king of comedy.
Rev. Boyce: Yeah. You know, there were other kings of comedy.
Elka: He was the funny one.
Rev. Boyce: Oh, the way Rue McClanahan was the funny one on “The Golden Girls.”
Elka: I never saw that show.

* Melanie: I wish there was some way we could call for help.
Elka: There is a fireplace. I learned to make smoke signals when I was a child.
Joy: Oh. Did you learn that on your play date with sitting bull?
Elka: What was your Indian name? Sleeps with everyone?


Transcript:

Alex: Hello, I’m Alex Trebek, host of America’s favorite game show.
Audience: Wheel of Fortune.
Alex: That’s right. Jeopardy. I want to welcome all of you to the greatest night of television you will ever witness. First off, and performing live four women who are at the very peak of their craft. One of them is drunk, you’ll see. Now, when we last saw our ladies, we had left them in a number of cliff hangers but don’t worry. We are going to resolve all of that for you right here but on next week’s episode. So be sure to tune in next week for that. But, for tonight, without any further ado. Live from studio city, this is “Hot in Cleveland.”

Victoria: I can’t believe this. Emmet and I finally get married and now he has escaped from prison wearing my clothes.
Alex: Victoria’s husband is a world class actor. And as such, a master of disguise.
Elka: We got this, Trebek.
Joy: Even though you didn’t help him escape, you are an accessory.
Melanie: Maybe you should turn yourself in to the police.
Victoria: Or maybe I should wait to hear from Emmet. I don’t know what to do. I just need time to think. If only there were a hideout I could go to where the police couldn’t find me.
Melanie: If only someone among us had a criminal past.
Victoria: And was once married to the mob.
Joy: And is right here and old enough to remember where she was when Caesar was assassinated.
Elka: Okay. But you have got to put a bag over your head.
Joy: So we don’t know where we are going.
Elka: Yeah, that’s why.

Mamie: Morning ladies, I got the cabin ready, but I have some bad news. The store didn’t have fat-free half and half so I had to get full fat.
Melanie: Full fat?
Joy: You know how many calories are in that?
Elka: As long as there is vodka, I’m good.
Victoria: I really cannot deal with one more bad thing happening today.
Mamie: Then you might want to close your eyes. There are some other criminals that are needing a hideout. May I present Mr. and Mrs. Robinson, ruthless thieves who just pulled over a jewelry heist.
Lily: Genius here thought this would be a good place to hide out.
Mamie: He doesn’t seem like a genius but she keeps calling him that.
Chester: Victoria Chase, I believe we know each other.
Victoria: Oh, do we?
Chester: Yes. We had a blind date a couple of years ago. I’m Chester.
Victoria: Chester, of course. Of course, I feel like such a boob.
Elka: I bet you wish you could fill up a top like that.
Chester: All right, ladies, everybody sit down. You too. Lily grab their phones.
Lily: Get comfortable. We’re going to be here a little while. Genius here dropped his mask during a heist so now we have got to change his face. A plastic surgeon is on his way.
Victoria: A plastic surgeon you say?
Joy: Yes. No rule that says you can’t combine kidnapping with a little touch up.
Melanie: I just want a little Botox. I don’t want to go too crazy.
Chester: I’m the only one getting plastic surgery and no one is going anywhere until I’m done and it’s all healed up.
Victoria: That could take weeks. And then there’s the settling and still only go to lunch with your best friends.
Melanie: Oozing.
Chester: Or I can shoot you right now. Good. You three make yourselves useful go fix us something to eat.
Elka: Oh, you are going to wish you had shot them.
Mamie: Excuse me, Maime Sue first time hostage, long time fearer of being a hostage. I was just wondering if we could be out by tomorrow because it’s our senior center book club meeting. We’re reading 50 Shades of Grey. Again.
Chester: You’re not going anywhere and don’t try anything clever.
Elka: Oh, don’t worry, she never does anything clever.
Mamie: Thank you, Elka.

Melanie: Oh my God! What are we going to do? We are too young to die! Okay, we look too young to die.
Joy: I have a plan. When the plastic surgeon puts Chester under, we will overpower Lily call the police.
(doorbell rings)
Melanie: Oh, that must be the plastic surgeon now.
Joy: Okay, Melanie and I will go, you put some food together for lunch.
Victoria: Well I did once play a chef in the Lifetime Original Movie. “I’ll Have What She’s Having.”

Joy: Oh my God, it’s Bob.
Chester: Who are you?
Joy: You must be the plastic surgeon we’ve been waiting for.
Bob: Yes, that’s me. I’m the plastic surgeon you’ve been waiting for.
Lily: You are Doctor Genho Kang?
Bob: You are wondering why my name is Genho Kang. You know I don’t appear to be Korean. Well, it’s a fascinating story filled with great many unexpected twists.
Melanie: Were you adopted by a Korean family?
Bob: Yes, that’s exactly what happened. Looking back, I overestimated the number of twists.
Lily: What’s with the champagne?
Bob: You are my 100th customer, congratulations.
Chester: Wait a second. I’m the one who needs plastic surgery.
Bob: Yes, I see.
Chester: Hey, my face is up here.
Bob: Oh?
Joy: As a surgeon, I’m sure you need to scrub up before you do anything else.
Bob: And I’m sure from what you just said you must be a nurse and I will need you to assist me.

Bob: All right. What the hell is going on around here?
Joy: Bob, give me your phone, I need to call the police and tell the we are being held hostage by those thieves.
Bob: I left my phone in the car.
Melanie: What are you even doing here?
Bob: I got Joy’s sexy text.
Joy: My text says I needed a few days off.
Bob: The text I got said you wanted me to get you off for a few days.
Joy: Ohh. Stupid auto correct.
Bob: Well, maybe auto correct knows us better than we know ourselves, Joy.
Victoria: But how did you know we were here?
Bob: Lucky guess. Or maybe I put a GPS on Joy’s car. I’m going to go with lucky guess.
Joy: Well, get back out there and find an excuse to go to your car and call the police.
Bob: I need to go to my car and get some equipment, knives and other surgical cutlery.
Dr. Kang: Greetings. I’m Dr. Jen Ho Cane.
Bob: No, I’m Dr. Genho Kang.
Dr. Kang: No, I’m Dr. Jen Ho Cane.
Bob: Well, perhaps we will never know who the real Genho Kang is.
Dr. Kang: It’s so obvious that it’s me.
Bob: Well, that’s just racist.
Victoria: Lunch is served.
Dr. Kang: Oh my God, I know who your are.
Victoria: Yes, I’m Victoria Chase. Star of stage screen.
Dr. Kang: You are Mrs. Ladypants.
Victoria: Dear God.
Dr. Kang: Oh my God! I can’t breathe! I can’t breathe!
Chester: Wait a second, what is Mrs. Ladypants?
Melanie: It’s a commercial that Victoria did in Asia it’s about a product how can I put this delicately?
Elka: She models diapers.
Victoria: It’s an absorbent pant.
Dr. Kang: I wear Mrs. Ladypants for Him when I do long surgeries.
Lily: You perform surgery in diapers?
Victoria and Dr. Kang: It’s an absorbent pant.
Melanie: Get him alone and steal his phone.
Victoria: Dr. Kang.
Dr. Kang: Oh my God, she knows my name. Okay. Be cool. Be cool. Yes?
Victoria: How about I help you get the surgery room ready and share some exclusive hot gossip from the Mrs. Ladypants set.
Dr. Kang: How about I die? I love you so much.
Victoria: Okay. Come on.
Chester: Who the hell is that?
Lily: It’s 3:00 on wednesdays. What do we do at 3:00 on Wednesdays?
Chester: You had the marriage counselor come to our hideout?
Lily: Well, you promised every week and we still have issues to work on.
Chester: But we are doing things together. We robbed the jewelry store together.
Rev. Boyce: Hello Chester.
Lily: Hi Reverend Boyce.
Rev. Boyce: Wow, a lot of people here. You know, usually like to do my couples counseling with just the couples.
Mamie: We can go to the TV room, Elka. It’s 3:00, Steve Harvey is on.
Elka: Oh, nobody is funnier than Steve Harvey.
Rev. Boyce: Really? No one?
Mamie: He is like the original king of comedy.
Rev. Boyce: Yeah. You know, there were other kings of comedy.
Elka: He was the funny one.
Rev. Boyce: Oh, the way Rue McClanahan was the funny one on “The Golden Girls.”
Elka: I never saw that show.
Joy: This is ridiculous. Follow my lead.
Bob: All right.
Joy: It is so great for Chester and Lily that you’ve come here to help.
Bob: Yeah, especially help from a reverend who is in the business of saving people.
Melanie: Because sometimes being married is like having a gun to your head. And you just need to get away.
Mamie: Maybe they could find a hobby they both like.
(phone chirps)
Rev. Boyce: Oh, wow. I got to be in St. Louis, when? Oh, I got to go.
Lily: What about our marriage?
Rev. Boyce: Well, like she said, get a hobby, guys.
Elka: What about us?
Rev. Boyce: Well, maybe you can get Steve Harvey to help you. I mean, he is so funny, you Cottage cheese. Yeah, that’s funny.
Joy: Well, there goes our last hope.
Bob: Oh Joy. Sometimes when people are facing certain death, sex helps them to live those last moments to the fullest. You know, it’s the things and people you don’t do that you regret.
Joy: What part of you can’t understand that we are never going to sleep together?
Bob: Oh, I think you know which part.

Melanie: We have got to think quickly, okay? Mamie Sue is distracting them but there is only so long she can talk about scrap-booking.
Elka: That’s where you’re wrong.
Melanie: I wish there was some way we could call for help.
Elka: There is a fireplace. I learned to make smoke signals when I was a child.
Joy: Oh. Did you learn that on your play date with sitting bull?
Elka: What was your Indian name? Sleeps with everyone?
Bob: As much as I enjoy a spicy cat fight, we need to get out of here. All right. Well, maybe if I would take off all my clothes and you were to slather my naked body with oil I could slip through that window.
Joy: Yeah. Or I could try getting out of it.
Bob: All right, but still might help if you slathered my body with oil.
Joy: Just give me a hand.
Bob: Fine. Here we go. Careful. There we go.
Chester: What’s going on in here?
Bob: Joy and I are making love. And they are timing us.
Chester: Come on, you are trying to get her out of that window.
Bob: Yes, but not to escape. See, she likes to do it outdoors and I enjoy doing it indoors. This way we are both satisfied. And we are done. Melanie, did you see anything you liked?

Victoria: Well?
Dr. Kang: You look amazing in my Ladypants. Now, do the commercial.
Victoria: Okay. It’s my wedding day, and I turn to the camera and say “my groom doesn’t know it, but I’m going right now.” Thank you, Mrs. Ladypants.
Dr. Kang: Okay now do my favorite commercial where you are at the theater and there is a long line for the ladies room. And you just wink at the camera. You just wink.
Victoria: Look, you know something? I already did as you asked, I put on your Ladypants, I did the commercial. Now you said I could use your phone.
Dr. Kang: Please, give me a sneak peek at the next one?
Victoria: I can’t. There is not going to be another one.
Dr. Kang: What?
Victoria: Well, I’m ending my contract with the Ladypants people.
Dr. Kang: Yeah. I don’t think so.

Elka: You are doing it wrong. Blow one, then two. One, then two.
Mamie: Elka, you are being as demanding and bossy as Christian Grey. I am not your submissive.
Elka: Just do it.
Mamie: Okay.
Joy: All right. New plan. We drive a wedge between Chester and Lily, and get one of them on our side.
Bob: I hear you. You want me to use my devastating charm to seduce Lily.
Melanie: Chester is the one with the wandering eye. Someone has to flirt with Chester.
Bob: I need a pair of short shorts and couple of shots of rum.
Melanie: I will flirt with Chester.
Bob: Ah.
Joy: You know Lily, we were just saying how amazing you are and how Chester doesn’t really appreciate that.
Bob: I mean look at him right now, shamelessly flirting with Melanie.
Melanie: You are so funny.

Victoria: I order you to untie me.
Dr. Kang: Not until you swear you will sign a new contract with the Ladypants people.
Vicotira: Oh my God. This is just like that movie with Cathy Bates. Based on the Stephen King novel of the same name.
Dr. Kang: Fried Green Tomatoes?
Alex: Oh, sorry. That’s wrong. The response we wanted was “What Is Misery?” Everybody knows “Fried Green Tomatoes” is from the novel by Fanny Flag.
Dr. Kang: Stop breaking the fourth wall, Trebek.
Alex: Easy.
Victoria: He is such a know it all.
Dr. Kang: Tell me about it. Although, that Misery movie had some good ideas. I bet there is a mallet in the kitchen and I am going to leave this gun tantalizing out of your reach. Oh my God I feel like a Bond villain.
Victoria: Wait, if he is a Bond villain, that makes me Bond. Oh think Victoria. What would Daniel Craig do if he were tied up in ladypants? With a pitcher of water nearby.

Lily: It’s like he doesn’t even see me. Sometimes I just feel like his employee and not his wife.
Bob: Well, mixing business and pleasure rarely ends well. I have a co-worker who is attracted to me. Like a desperate moth to an enchanting gingered-haired flame.
Lily: Is it a guy?
Bob: No. Joy is not a guy.
Joy: I am just saying should the police come and take Chester away, you could definitely find someone better. Like on eharmony.com. They have a patented system that ensures compatibility.
Lily: You are right. I deserve better. Chester, it’s over.
Chester: Oh, come on, babe. Will you stop it, please? She means nothing to me.
Lily: Prove it.
Chester: What do you want me to do? Kill her?
Lily: It would be a nice gesture. I mean, you would do that for me?
Chester: Sweety, if it will help us get past this, I will shoot that woman right now.
(whistle blows)
Chester: What’s that?
Elka: It’s the cops and you are if big trouble.
Mamie: You all thought I was just tending the fire while Elka nitpicked my technique but I was actually making smoke signals while Elka nitpicked my technique. That must be the SWAT team.
Boy Scout: I saw your smoke signals. Are you in distress?
Chester: You are not the SWAT team. You’re a little boy.
Boy Scout: That’s right, ma’am.
Mamie: Oh, no. Who is going to save us now?
Victoria: Drop your guns! My name is Pants. Ladypants.
Dr. Kang: How did you escape?
Victoria: I doused myself with water and used the expanding powers of Mrs. Ladypants to break my ropes.
Dr. Kang: Shut up! You’re an evil genius.
Boy Scout: She’s the bad guy.
Chester: No she’s not. I’m the bad guy.
Alex: Well, I guess that makes me the good guy. Drop your weapon. You too, lady.
Melanie: Oh my God, Alex Trebek?
Alex: That’s right. But on weekends, I’m Park Tanger Alex Trebek. I’m here to save you. I read your smoke signals, telling me that there were women here in jeopardy.

Joy: The police will be here soon.
Elka: We’ll be home in time to watch “Family Feud.”
Mamie: Steve Harvey is the best game show host.
Alex: Really? Isn’t that a little bit like saying Cloris Leachman was the best actress on The Mary Tyler Moore Show?
Elka and Mamie: We never saw that show.
Alex: Well, America won’t get a chance to see “The Soul Man” if we don’t wrap things up here. So why don’t we all just take a bow, right now?

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