Hot in Cleveland S04, Ep20 – Cleveland Indians

Season: 4
Episode: 20
Title: Cleveland Indians
Original Air Date: August 14, 2013


Guest Stars:
Michael Urie: Jeffery
Alice Amter: Dr. Kapoor
Pej Vahdat: Ravi
Parvesh Cheena: Manu


Synopsis: Joy is upset that the pediatrician called Wilber average. So she seeks out the best in Cleveland, Dr. Kapoor. She pretends to be Indian. Dr. Kapoor invites herself to Joy’s for dinner. Victoria hires a wedding planner. However, when he finds out it will be at a correctional facility he backs out. Joy comes home and tells everyone about Dr. Kapoor coming over for dinner. Jeffrey, the wedding planner, says he will do her wedding if he can come to the dinner. Joy hires Manu to cater the dinner. But when she wants to take credit for making it all he charges triple. Jeffrey arrives and Joy freaks out. Dr. Kapoor arrives with her son Ravi. All the lies are going great until Elka comes back and winds up pretending to be Joy’s mom. She is happily embarrassing Joy. Outside Joy discovers that Ravi is gay and Jeffrey is his boyfriend. They all go back inside to play their parts. However, Dr. Kapoor tells them all she is playing the part of Lady Bracknell. When Elka discovers Dr. Kapoor is who she lost the part to, out of anger she spills the beans on Ravi and Jeffrey. Joy’s accent disappears and Dr. Kapoor becomes outraged. Ravi tells the truth. Joy begs Dr. Kapoor to see Wilbur and tells the story of putting Owen up for adoption. Dr. Kapoor admits she did the same thing. It turns out the caterer is her son. She gives Ravi her blessing and is so happy that she has found her lost son that she agrees to see Wilbur.


Click on either link to grab the fourth season of the show, it’s a great way to support the ladies and have some serious laughs.

Amazon Hot in Cleveland: Season 4

iTunes Hot in Cleveland, Season 4 – Hot in Cleveland


Favorite Quotes:

* Victoria: What are you doing?
Elka: Waiting for my ride.
Melanie: To take you where? Downton Abbey?

* Joy: Anyone can see that Wilbur is very advanced for his age.
Victoria: Hmm. I’ll say. I never had my first pimple till I was 12.

* Jeffrey: Now, about the guests, I’ll need a number.
Elka: They all have numbers.

* Victoria: I mean, Emmet is hardly your ordinary jailbird. He is the proud recipient of an Oscar and a Tony.
Jeffrey: Are those awards or cellmates?

* Melanie: Why? If you can’t cook Indian food, she won’t treat your grandson?
Joy: That’s another thing. I’m Wilbur’s mum, not his granny.
Melanie: So you’re dating this guy because his mom thinks you’re a gourmet Indian chef with a functioning womb?
Victoria: When the truth is, you hate curry.
Elka: And your womb’s in the Smithsonian.

* Joy: Eventually. But tonight, you must say I cooked this food.
Manu: What? This was not discussed. I cannot lie. I have honor. I have dignity. I would need at least triple my fee.
Joy: Fine.

* Dr. Kapoor: What an elegant sari. It shows her lovely and still childbearing-if-you-hurry hips.

* Dr. Kapoor: Mmm. These pakoras are delicious. What’s that spice I taste?
Joy: Oh, I could not tell you my secret.
Manu: Believe me, she could not.

* Ravi: Joy, your wit is as sparkling as your lovely, mischievous eyes.
Joy: And my eyes are far from my most mischievous organ.


Transcript:

Victoria: What are you doing?
Elka: Waiting for my ride.
Melanie: To take you where? Downton Abbey?
Elka: My community theater’s doing The Importance of Being Earnest. And I’m auditioning as Lady Bracknell. I gotta make up for when I bombed last year as Sandy in Grease.

Melanie: Oh, hello, Wilbur. He had his checkup today, didn’t he? Was he a brave boy?
Joy: He was fine. But the doctor was an idiot. He said Wilbur was, and I quote, “average.” Can you believe it? Anyone can see that Wilbur is very advanced for his age.
Victoria: Hmm. I’ll say. I never had my first pimple till I was 12.
Joy: Baby acne is a very common affliction.
Victoria: Ah.
Joy: I’ve been trying to find Wilbur a new doctor all morning.
Melanie: You fired his doctor just because he said he was average?
Joy: Well, obviously he’s not average. I mean, look at his sweet little handsome– Wilbur don’t scratch your pimples. My grandson deserves the best pediatrician in town, which every website agrees is Dr. Mallika Kapoor.
Melanie: So go to her.
Joy: She’s so exclusive, she’s completely booked. And according to the comments on this site, she’ll take you right away if you’re from India.
Melanie: So you need to be a Cleveland Indian. See what I did there?
Joy: Maybe I’ll just show up with a bribe. I’ve heard about this Indian cafe that makes the most amazing samosas.
Melanie: Oh, Joy. Come on, honey, don’t you think you’re getting carried away?
Victoria: I agree with Melanie. I mean, all pediatricians are pretty much the same. It’s not like you’re shopping for eye cream.
Melanie: If you don’t get Dr. Kapoor, it’s not because you’re a bad grandma. It’s because you’re not from Mumbai.
Joy: You’re right. I just need to take a breath and put things in perspective. Thank you both for your help.

Joy: Hello.
Dr. Kapoor: Hello, I am Dr. Kapoor. Where is Ms. Gupta Jhabvala-Scroggs?
Joy: I am she. And this is Wilbur. Say, “Hello, Dr. Kapoor.”
Dr. Kapoor: You are from India?
Joy: My father was Indian. My mother English. Very, very fair.
Dr. Kapoor: Some English blood, huh? That explains the acne and the crooked baby teeth. This baby does not look Indian at all.
Joy: I brought samosas.
Dr. Kapoor: Hmm. Homemade?
Joy: Of course.
Dr. Kapoor: Mmm. You’re an excellent cook. Your husband is a lucky man.
Joy: Oh, I’m not married. Oh, I see you thought because–
Dr. Kapoor: I should not make assumptions. I know many spinsters who turn 40 and look in the mirror and say, “no man will love me, but maybe a baby will.”
Joy: Actually, Wilbur’s not my– 40 you say?
Dr. Kapoor: You are younger?
Joy: No. 40’s bang on the nose.
Dr. Kapoor: Hmm. My son Ravi is also 40 and not yet married. In spite of being a world-class competitive eater.
Joy: A competitive eater. So an athlete.
Dr. Kapoor: I tell him to go out and meet a girl, but he just stays home and eats and eats and eats. He’d love your samosas.
Joy: I’d be glad to make some for him.
Dr. Kapoor: We accept your invitation. Shall we say Friday night?
Joy: What?
Dr. Kapoor: If all goes well, we’ll set an appointment for Wilbur next week.
Joy: I’ll start cooking right away.
Dr. Kapoor: We’ll be there at 8:00. And wear something prettier. Maybe padded.

Victoria: These weddings are gorgeous. I think I found the wedding planner of my dreams.
Elka: When are you gonna tell him the wedding’s in the slammer?
Victoria: At the last possible moment, so shh.
Jeffery: Victoria, darling, are those guest towels Pratesi?
Victoria: Oh, you have an excellent eye. So let’s talk some more about my perfect wedding.
Jeffery: Well, I was thinking after the vows we’ll release two dozen white doves.
Victoria: Oh, no, no. Doves won’t work, sorry. We’re planning an indoor ceremony.
Jeffrey: You haven’t told me where it will be. Does the venue have a yard?
Elka: Oh, there’s definitely a yard.
Jeffrey: Now, about the guests, I’ll need a number.
Elka: They all have numbers.
Victoria: Elka, do you need to be here?
Elk: I’m just studying my lines.
Victoria: She has a callback for The Importance of Being Earnest.
Elka: How’s this? A handbag?
Jeffrey: I’m guessing this is community theater?
Victoria: Mm-hm. I’ll get back to you with all those minor details.
Jeffrey: Fine. I’ll just need the location.
Victoria: What, right this minute?
Jeffrey: Well, I’ll have to take measurements.
Victoria: Oh, okay. Well, we are getting married at the lovely Allen Oakwood Men’s Correctional Facility. Now about the centerpieces, I was thinking white roses–
Jeffrey: Back up. You’re getting married in prison? To an inmate?
Victoria: I mean, Emmet is hardly your ordinary jailbird. He is the proud recipient of an Oscar and a Tony.
Jeffrey: Are those awards or cellmates? Sorry. “Celebrations by Jeffrey” does not do weddings in correctional facilities.
Victoria: Listen, I’m desperate. I’ll do whatever you say. I’ll get married in the yard, I’ll release the doves.
Jeffrey: Release the groom, then we’ll talk.
Joy: Guess who just met the great and powerful Dr. Kapoor?
Melanie: Really? Did she agree to take Wilbur?
Joy: Almost. I just have one tiny hurdle left. She’s invited herself to dinner Friday night. She wants to set me up with her loser son, Ravi.
Jeffrey: Is this Dr. Kapoor, the pediatrician?
Joy: Yes. Do you have kids?
Jeffrey: No. They’d clash with my drapes.
Joy: See how famous she is? Even childless gay people know her name.
Jeffrey: You want me to plan your wedding? Invite me to that dinner.
Victoria: That’s it? Why?
Jeffrey: It’s every wedding planner’s dream to do Indian weddings. They last seven days and spend a fortune. Kapoor could be just the connection I need to break into the Indian wedding circuit.
Victoria: Okay, so if I make this happen, then I’ll get my dream prison wedding?
Jeffrey: Tell Emmet to sharpen his shiv he’s got a cake to cut. See you Friday.
Joy: Uh, about this dinner. For the sake of Wilbur’s health, I really need you all to back me up on some white lies I told Dr. Kapoor.
Melanie: What kind of lies?
Joy: Well, I said I’d be cooking when really I’m having it catered by an Indian chef.
Melanie: Why? If you can’t cook Indian food, she won’t treat your grandson?
Joy: That’s another thing. I’m Wilbur’s mum, not his granny.
Melanie: So you’re dating this guy because his mom thinks you’re a gourmet Indian chef with a functioning womb?
Victoria: When the truth is, you hate curry.
Elka: And your womb’s in the Smithsonian.
Melanie: This has got to be the craziest lie you’ve ever told.
Joy: Actually it gets a little bit crazier.

Joy: Too much?
Victoria: You look beautiful, but is it necessary?
Joy: I’m just trying to play up my Indian side.
Elka: You don’t have an Indian side!
Melanie: Speaking of that, if Dr. Kapoor asks, where do we say you’re from in India?
Joy: Oh, no. I hadn’t thought about that. What if she asks me what caste I am?
Elka: I’d just say, “miscast.”
Joy: Speaking of casting, don’t you have a callback to get to? If you leave now there will be one less person to screw things up for me.
Elka: Oh, relax. You’re gonna be great. I believe in you.
Joy: Oh, thank you.
Elka: See what a good actor I am?

Joy: Manu, the food smells wonderful.
Manu: Mm, I hope Dr. Kapoor will like it. And she will tell all her patients and my restaurant will be a great success.
Joy: I am sure all of these things will happen.
Manu: Mm.
Joy: Eventually. But tonight, you must say I cooked this food.
Manu: What? This was not discussed. I cannot lie. I have honor. I have dignity. I would need at least triple my fee.
Joy: Fine. But I cooked, you serve.

(doorbell rings)
Joy: Wait. Don’t open it yet. I have a thing. Namaste.
Jeffrey: Look at you. I wore a sari just like that last Halloween. I was, “Ann Curry.”
Victoria: Ah!
Joy: What are you doing here?
Victoria: Jeffrey’s joining us for dinner.
Joy: You invited him?
Melanie: I told her she should have asked.
Joy: You knew?
Jeffrey: Yes, she invited me. She knew, and this is tedious. Who’s making me a drink?
Melanie: I can drink.
Joy: What were you thinking? I am having my first and hopefully last date with some tubby loser whose mum is desperate to have him married, and you invite a wedding planner?
Victoria: Well, I had no choice. It’s the only way he’d agree to do my prison wedding. And he’s just here to drum up some Indian wedding business.
Joy: I don’t care. He has to leave right– Oh, bloody hell.
Victoria: We’ll be fine. You just do that hindu that you do so well.
Joy: Namaste.
Dr. Kapoor: Namaste.
Joy: Oh, does this mean your son is not coming? Maybe?
Dr. Kapoor: No, he’s just dragging his heels as usual. Ravi.
Ravi: Hello.
Joy: You’re Ravi? The competitive eater?
Ravi: Well, you know Indian mothers. You win one pie-eating contest.
Dr. Kapoor: What an elegant sari. It shows her lovely and still childbearing-if-you-hurry hips.
Ravi: She’s even prettier than you described.
Joy: Right back at you. You didn’t mention your son was so handsome.
Dr. Kapoor: If he’s so handsome, why is he so single? It’s like his software company. Why did he sell it for millions when he could have made billions, like Apple?
Joy: What? What?
Jeffrey: Hello.
Ravi: Hello.
Joy: These are my housemates, Victoria and Melanie.
Victoria: And this is Jeffrey, my super talented wedding planner.
Jeffrey: It’s an honor to meet you, Dr. Kapoor. And Ravi, was it?
Dr. Kapoor: A wedding planner? You reek of desperation. I approve.
Joy: Look, my delicious food. Please, enjoy.
Ravi: You have a lovely home. Would you mind giving me a tour?
Joy: My pleasure.
Dr. Kapoor: Mmm. These pakoras are delicious. What’s that spice I taste?
Joy: Oh, I could not tell you my secret.
Manu: Believe me, she could not.

Ravi: I am so sorry.
Joy: For what?
Ravi: I know my mother. I’m sure she made it clear she wouldn’t treat your son unless you would date me. But can I ask you for a huge favor?
Joy: What?
Ravi: Could we flirt a little? It’ll get my mother off my back, and you’d get the best doctor in Cleveland.
Joy: Yes, we can flirt. We can touch, we can date. Perhaps sometime a weekend away.
Ravi: Good flirting. But save it for mom.

Ravi: Joy, your wit is as sparkling as your lovely, mischievous eyes.
Joy: And my eyes are far from my most mischievous organ.
Victoria: Whoa, that was quick.
Dr. Kapoor: Why go slowly? Your friend knows that ripeness is all. Today’s firm mango is tomorrow’s smoothie. But look who I’m telling.

Melanie: Have you lost your mind? You’re flirting with Ravi like you mean it.
Joy: I do. He’s sweet and handsome. Not to mention, rich. I can really see a future for us. I know it sounds crazy.
Melanie: No, you know what sounds crazy? You talking like this for the rest of your life.

Ravi: You were insane to come here tonight.
Jeffrey: I don’t care. I love you, Ravi.
Ravi: And I love you.
Joy: Ravi, you’re gay?
Ravi: Gay for your samosas.
Victoria: Jeffrey, when did you come out?
Jeffrey: Sweetie, I was never in. It’s Ravi who needs to come out.
Victoria: What?
Joy: Ravi and Jeffrey are lovers.
Ravi: Will you please be quiet? My mother will hear.
Jeffrey: She needs to hear. We’ve been together for two years, and he still hasn’t told her about us. I thought it would be easier for him to tell the truth if I met her and she liked me.
Ravi: If I tell her the truth, trust me, she won’t like you.
Joy: Or me. She’ll blame me for bringing you together and refuse to treat Wilbur.
Ravi: Wait, your accent’s gone. You’re not Indian?
Jeffrey: Am I the only one here who’s not living a lie?
Victoria: Oh, please. You said the only reason you wanted to come was to plan an Indian wedding.
Jeffrey: Yes. Mine. Ravi, my love–
Joy: No, stop!
Dr. Kapoor: What’s going on out here?
Joy: I lost a contact lens. We are all looking for it.
All: Found it!
Joy: Oh, thank you, Ravi. I can now see your handsome face.
Dr. Kapoor: I think these lovebirds were trying to steal a moment. Let’s give them some privacy.
Ravi: You must think I’m a coward to hide from my mother this way.
Joy: Well, it would be nice if you could tell her someday. Just not tonight.
Ravi: Every Indian mother dreams of the day her son gets married ’cause then she’ll have a daughter-in-law to push around for the rest of her life.
Joy: Can’t she push Jeffrey around?
Ravi: If you push Jeffrey, he pushes right back. Oh, why did I fall for a man so gay and sassy?
Joy: You’ll work it out, Ravi, and we’ll get through this night. We just have to play our parts and not let things get any more complicated.
Elka: I want a double vodka, and I want it now!
Joy: Elka! I thought you had a callback?
Elka: The part was already cast.
Joy: Well, I’m sorry, but you can’t stay. Things are messy enough. Ravi’s boyfriend showed up, and his mother doesn’t know he’s gay. The last thing we need is you barging in here pounding down vodkas and whining about some part you didn’t get.
Elka: Why didn’t they pick me?
Joy: Well, your accent was a bit inconsistent.
Ravi: You should talk.
Elka: Oh, rubbish! I was spot-on.
Dr. Kapoor: Oh, you’re British. You must be Joy’s mother.
Elka: Oh. Quite so. This should be jolly good fun.

Joy: I can’t believe we got through dinner. I thought for sure Elka would ruin everything with her stupid stories about my supposed childhood in India.
Melanie: That last one was just the plot from Bend it Like Beckham.
Victoria: That was a fascinating story about driving on the left side of the road, Elka. But perhaps Dr. Kapoor would prefer to hear some anecdotes from a famous actress.
Dr. Kapoor: Actually, Ms. Chase, I’m a bit of an actress myself.
Victoria: Oh.
Dr. Kapoor: Just today I got cast as Lady Bracknell in The Importance of Being Earnest.
Elka: What?
Dr. Kapoor: The director assured me that I was the best choice. One ridiculous woman even came in costume. How could someone be so clueless?
Elka: I’m clueless? You don’t even know your son is gay.
Jeffrey: Thank you!
Dr. Kapoor: What?
Joy: Elka! What are you doing?
Melanie: Joy, your accent.
Dr. Kapoor: What’s going on here?
Joy: Okay. I lied. But for a good cause.
Melanie: She just wanted to help her grandchild.
All: Grandchild?
Joy: They didn’t need to know that part.
Dr. Kapoor: Let’s go, Ravi. This woman is a liar, and this girl is not for you.
Ravi: No girl is for me. The truth is I love Jeffrey.
Jeffrey: And we’re going to be married.
Dr. Kapoor: Married?
Jeffrey: We’ve been hiding our love for years.
Dr. Kapoor: So you mean I’ll never have a daughter-in-law?
Joy: Look, I understand this is a bit of a shock, but everything’s out in the open now. No more secrets, no more lies.
Manu: Who wants some of Joy’s famous raskadambas?
Dr. Kapoor: Ravi, we’re leaving.
Joy: Please, wait. I know you’re upset, but you have to be Wilbur’s doctor. He means the world to me. I gave up his dad for adoption when I was a teenager. You don’t know how guilty that makes a woman feel.
Dr. Kapoor: Actually, Ms. Scroggs, I do. I too had a child when I was very young. I also gave him up for adoption.
Ravi: Mom, is that true?
Dr. Kapoor: It was before I met your father. Years later after I finished med school, I tried to find this child. I was told he was taken to a small village called Chimurawati.
Manu: Chimurawati? Well, that is the name of my village.
Dr. Kapoor: Then perhaps you might know what happened to a small child with a strange birthmark on his wrist, a birthmark shaped like a handbag.
Elka: A handbag?
Manu: A birthmark like this?
Dr. Kapoor: My baby.
Manu: Oh, my mother.
Ravi: My brother?
Dr. Kapoor: My head is still spinning from all these wild goings-on, but I am so glad to finally get to know my long lost boy.
Elka: What a shame you’ll be so busy rehearsing.
Dr. Kapoor: You have a point. The part of Lady Bracknell is yours. I’ll be too busy bonding with my Manu.
Manu: And Nishka.
Melanie: Oh, who’s Nishka?
Manu: My wife.
Dr. Kapoor: You mean I have a daughter-in-law?
Manu: Yes. But you must be gentle with her. She’s timid and easily bullied.
Dr. Kapoor: Oh. Manu, you fill my heart with joy. Okay, Ravi, if this man makes you happy, marry him.
Ravi: Thank you, mom. I only hope our wedding is as nice as the one he plans for you.
Jeffrey: Both will have many guests wearing orange.

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