Hot in Cleveland S04, Ep14 – Canoga Falls

Season: 4
Episode: 14
Title: Canoga Falls
Original Air Date: June 26, 2013


Guest Stars:
Carol Burnett: Penny
Jean Smart: Bess
Tim Conway: Nick


Synopsis: Victoria gets a call from her sister, Bess. Her hometown, Canoga Falls, is renaming the square after her. Everyone wants to go with her. When they arrive Bess breaks the news that she lied. They aren’t renaming the town square, but something is wrong with their mom. The house looks like an episode of hoarders. Melanie and Joy raid Victoria’s old room. Victoria comes in and they all talk about her Mom. Melanie tells how her parents have moved to assisted living. Victoria feels that’s a good solution for her Mom. She talks with Bess. Bess is leaving, going to Arizona. So Victoria decides her Mom’s going to come to Cleveland. Penny is shocked. She reveals she just acted crazy for months because she missed Victoria and wanted to see her. Penny agrees to go back to Cleveland with Victoria. At Stormi’s she gets a new boyfriend, Nick.


Click on either link to grab the fourth season of the show, it’s a great way to support the ladies and have some serious laughs.

Amazon Hot in Cleveland: Season 4

iTunes Hot in Cleveland, Season 4 – Hot in Cleveland


Favorite Quotes:

* Melanie: Wait, so you literally learned about the birds and the bees from a bird and a bee?

* Elka: Sure. I’m 91. I’ll move the piano.

* Penny: Oh, no. No, no, no, no. Those are your father’s ashes.
Victoria: Dad died?
Penny: No, those are his cigar ashes. When he left, I emptied all his ashtrays, and the smell reminds me of him.

* Elka: I know crazy. I live with crazy. And you’re not crazy. What’s the scam?

* Elka: Well, now, she’s here. Now what?
Penny: I haven’t thought that through.
Elka: You really are Victoria’s mother.

* Bess: Uh, Elka’s going to the liquor store. She says this house is “criminally under-vodka’d.” And do you guys need anything?

* Victoria: I forgot about the puppet door. It’s the reason I never had boys over.
Bess: Best birth control ever.

* Joy: Mm. For me, it was Rod Stewart. I was so mad I was too young for him. Now, I’m too old for him.

* Joy: Hey, the flavor is “far-out vanilla.” Oh, my God. Look at this.” Best before 1986.”
Elka: So were you.

* Nick: Uh-huh. You wanna make out?
Penny: As long as you’re slow.

Transcript:

Victoria: What a tremendous honor. Well, of course I’ll be there. [Gasps] I have a major announcement. My sister Bess just told me Canoga Falls is naming the town square after me.
Joy: Wow, that’s great.
Melanie: Congratulations.
Elka: Did Canoga Falls lose a bet or something?
Victoria: No. It is my hometown in upstate New York. [Gasps] An idyllic little Hamlet where the kids play in the street and the grocer calls all the customers by name.
Joy: Can I come to the ceremony?
Victoria: Please. Otherwise, I won’t know a soul there.
Melanie: I wanna come too. Alec’s out of town. And I’ve already snooped through all his stuff gone through the browsing history on all his computers. Found his porn stash. Nothing freaky. No, just the normal stuff. Little heavy on the threesomes for my taste. But I deleted it all, so my weekend’s free.
Elka: We also would’ve accepted, “Alec’s out of town.”
Joy: When was the last time you visited your mother?
Victoria Oh, I try to visit every year. I’ve failed for the last 12.
Melanie: Are you coming, Elka?
Elka: Go to New York to see a show? I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Joy: Nobody said anything about a show.
Elka: Victoria’s family? It’s gotta be a show.
Victoria: Well, you’re not entirely wrong, and my mother was a bit of a local celebrity. She had a television show called Miss Penny’s Puppets.
Elka: Oh, that sounds fun.
Victoria: My mom treated those puppets like they were real. Glamourpuss The Bird and Budge The Bee delivered all the difficult news in our family. They told me when my mom and dad were getting divorced. They taught me about sex.
Melanie: Wait, so you literally learned about the birds and the bees from a bird and a bee?
Elka: And your sister still lives there?
Victoria: Yeah, Bess never left Canoga Falls. She never married. She never did much. No, she mostly hangs out with my mom.
Joy: Mm. There’s a sad picture. An unmarried, middle-aged woman hanging out with an older woman all day. Go on.
Victoria: Well, this is gonna be wonderful for my mom to see me being honored. You know, because we were both in show business, I’ve always been her favorite.
Melanie: How’d your sister feel about that?
Victoria: Huh, well, I never really thought about it. But I’m sure it was exciting for her.
[Laughs]
Elka: This is gonna be a good show.

Victoria: You know, there’s something different about you, Bess. I guess that you must be very excited about them dedicating our beautiful, beloved town square to me.
Bess: Yeah, about that. Uh, I made the whole thing up.
Victoria: What?
Bess: I brought you here ’cause of mom. She’s getting a little wacky lately.
Victoria: What do you mean”getting wacky?” Our family portrait had sock puppets in it.
Bess: It’s not just the puppets anymore. She’s starting to forget stuff. She won’t throw anything out. I need your help.
Victoria: Bess, you’re so much better at handling mom than I am.
Bess: Oh, no, no, I’m not falling for that anymore. She used to get out of cleaning the kitchen by saying, “you are the most amazing dishwasher.”
Melanie: She does the same thing to me.
Victoria: Oh. And you are both incredible dishwashers.
Bess: Well, I am tired of being the responsible one. It’s your turn.
Victoria: This is outrageous. How could you trick me into doing something like this?
Bess: Would you have come if I had said, “it’s your turn to take care of mom?”
Victoria: Of course, is what I’d like to say.
Bess: There’s your answer.
Elka: I like this one.

Melanie: Wow.
Victoria: Oh, my God.
Elka: I won’t have to watch Hoarders this week.
Joy: Look at all these old magazines. “Preparing for Y2K:” “What you need to do right now.”
Melanie: “Mel Gibson: Does he ever make a wrong move?”
Bess: Hey, ma! Victoria is here.
Penny: [Squeaky voice] Hi, y’all! I’m not mom. I am Glamourpuss. Why don’t y’all wait right there while I go fetch Miss Penny. Oh, Miss Penny! Oh, Miss Penny! I’m right here.
Victoria: Hi, mom.
Penny: Victoria? Oh, Victoria. Oh, what a wonderful surprise. Oh, let me look at you. You look absolutely wonderful. Oh, maybe she ought to give her sister some beauty tips. So is this your entourage?
Victoria: Yes, yes. That’s Joy, Elka, and Melanie.
Joy: Hello.
Penny: Oh, my God, that hand. It’s gigantic. I wouldn’t want that sucker inside of me.
Elka: Hide your hand. You’re scaring the puppet.
Penny: I have a puppet in my bedroom you just have to try on.
Victoria: I don’t know what you’re worried about. I mean, yeah, the place is a little cluttered, but mom is fine.
Penny: Victoria! When did you get here? It’s a wonderful surprise. Oh, and this your entourage?
Elka: Well, the good news is she’ll probably forget about your hands.

Melanie: Wow, Victoria, your room is like a time capsule from 30 years ago.
Victoria: Yes. Like me, it has not aged.
Joy: This trip certainly wasn’t what you expected. What are you gonna do?
Victoria: Well, I suppose I could call the mayor and see about renaming the town square.
Joy: I meant about your mother. Your sister is obviously concerned.
Victoria: Bess worries too much. I mean, sure, maybe my mother’s getting a little forgetful and starting to collect things, but big deal. A couple of trips to the goodwill and the dump, and everything will be fine. And, Melanie, you are an awesome organizer.
Melanie: I am, aren’t I? I’ll help.
Victoria: Great. Elka?
Elka: Sure. I’m 91. I’ll move the piano.
Victoria: No. You speak old. Now, I need you to try to convince my mother that she doesn’t need all that stuff.
Elka: Said one of the woman with a guest room full of shoes.
Victoria: All right, for your information, that room is called a “shoe-seum.”
Elka: And her mother’s the crazy one.
Melanie: Oh! Mystery date game! Bitchin’! I haven’t played this in forever, probably about the last time I said “bitchin’.”
Joy: Look at all these old clothes. Macrame vests, go-go boots, tube tops.
Melanie: Oh. Tube tops. Yeah, I had a back brace and “backne” in high school. So, you know–
Joy: You couldn’t wear tube tops?
Melanie: No, not couldn’t. Shouldn’t have. First yearbook photo to be rejected. “Too disturbing.”

Penny: You can’t throw out all my treasures.
Victoria: All right, we can’t afford to be sentimental. If you wanna get rid of stuff, you have to get brutal, including this thing.
Penny: Oh, no. No, no, no, no. Those are your father’s ashes.
Victoria: Dad died?
Penny: No, those are his cigar ashes. When he left, I emptied all his ashtrays, and the smell reminds me of him.
Victoria: Now, this is exactly what I was talking about. Oh, daddy. [Sniffs]
Bess: Oh, you’re right. It’s like he’s right here complaining about the Canadians. “We’re guarding the wrong border!”
Victoria: Well, this hideous thing could go. [Laughs] This looks like something that you’d regift to someone you don’t like.
Bess: You gave it to me.
Penny: And you gave it to me.
Bess: Let’s go get some garbage b– uh treasure bags.
[Door closes]
Penny: [Sighs] What?
Elka: I know crazy. I live with crazy. And you’re not crazy. What’s the scam?
Penny: [Sighs] Okay. I figured that if I could trick Bess into thinking I was crazy, she could trick Victoria into coming to visit. And it worked.
Elka: Well, now, she’s here. Now what?
Penny: I haven’t thought that through.
Elka: You really are Victoria’s mother.
Penny: Well, now, I’ve gotta figure out a way to get her to stay more than just one night. [Sighs] Can I trust you with my secret?
Elka: Absolutely. In fact, I think we should have some fun.
Penny: What?
Elka: Dial up the crazy.

Melanie: [Laughs] Oh, no. I got the dud.
Joy: The dud is the cutest one. I always wanted him. I knew I could fix him. Oh, dear. That was revealing.

Elka and Penny: Buffalo girls, won’t you come out tonight
Joy: Is that singing?
Elka and Penny: Buffalo girls, won’t you come out tonight and dance by the light of the moon
Penny: Oh, girls! Elka is absolutely wonderful. Oh, Elka, would you be on my TV show?
Elka: Oh, I’d be delighted.
Bess: Aw, mom, they stopped shooting your show 20 years ago.
Penny: Oh, will you stop it? You sound just like that security guard over in Channel Four. Oh, look. It’s John Lennon and Yoko Ono.
Victoria: Okay, so maybe we have a little problem.

Victoria: Ah, Bess is right. It’s not just the messy house. Mom’s mind is going, and she needs help. It’s just I’m not good at this.
Melanie: It’s hard. I mean, we’re at an age where our parents need to be parented.
Joy: I just thank my lucky stars my mother still smokes like a chimney. Her lungs will go long before her brain does.
Melanie: Well, my parents signed up for assisted living.
Victoria: Assisted living? What, they agreed to be hooked up to machines for the rest of their lives?
Melanie: Not life support. Assisted living. They’re fancy retirement communities.
Victoria: So you’re saying just throw money at the problem?
Melanie: I would never do that.
Victoria: No, no, I love it. Problem solved.
Bess: Uh, Elka’s going to the liquor store. She says this house is “criminally under-vodka’d.” And do you guys need anything?
Victoria: No, no thanks. Bess, I’m ready to talk about mom.
Melanie: Oh, we’ll give you your privacy. Hey, can we take the easy bake oven?
Bess: Oh, you do know there’s a real oven in the kitchen?
Melanie: Yeah, but if it doesn’t have a light bulb in it, we don’t know how to make it work.
Victoria: [Sighs] I’ve solved it. Okay. I’m gonna set mom up in assisted living here in Canoga Falls. And and I’ll pay for everything. And, that way, you can still look in on her every day, but you don’t have to deal with all the hoarding. And it’s a win-win.
Bess: No, uh, that’s a great idea. Um, there’s just one little hiccup. I won’t actually be here. Um, do you remember cute Hank Dawson from high school?
Victoria: The guy with the lazy eye?
Bess: Well, yeah, he got that fixed. But, um, yeah, we found each other on the Internet, and we we really hit it off.
Victoria: Oh, well, great! So now, you can spend more time with him.
Bess: Well, yeah, that’s the plan, but he’s in Arizona. So we’re gonna buy a Winnebago, and we’re gonna motor-home all over the country.
Victoria: Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. So you’re quitting everything to go travel with some cross-eyed man? Why didn’t you tell me that you were doing something so desperate and ridiculous?
Bess: Gee, maybe I thought you’d say something snide.
Victoria: Oh, please. Now, I have never been anything but a supportive, loving sister to you, a chic, sophisticated role model for you to look up to.
Bess: You know, Victoria, you know, I finally have a chance to get out of this house, and get out of this town, and do something fun with my life.
Victoria: Okay, I I I understand that. But there’s no one to take your place. I I don’t know how to be the responsible one. It would it would be like switching roles halfway through a play.
Bess: Not everybody’s in your play. I’m in my own play, and I want it to have a happy ending.
Penny: Hey, girls! What’s the buzz?
Bess: Oh, God.
Victoria: Forgot about the puppet door. It’s the reason I never had boys over.
Bess: Best birth control ever.
Penny: Hi. So what are you two talking about?
Victoria: Oh, we’re just talking about Bess and Hank Dawson.
Penny: “Lazy eye” Dawson? [Chuckles] What about him?
Bess: Well, you know, we’ve we we’ve reconnected. And we’re we’re gonna get a Winnebago, and we’re gonna travel all over the country. And then, I’m gonna go to Arizona and live with him.
Penny: What? You live with me.
Bess: I know, mom.
Penny: No, no, no. You can’t leave me, Bess. I I I’d be lost without you. I need you.
Bess: You do, don’t you? I guess I could I could talk to Hank.
Victoria: Mom, no. Um, Bess needs to go. And besides, it’s it’s my turn to spend time with you. So you’re gonna come to Cleveland. And I am gonna set you up in the best assisted living I can find. Oh, it’s gonna be great. So what do you say, mom? Huh?

Joy: So she agreed to move to Cleveland?
Victoria: Yes, and I feel really good about it. And you know why? ‘Cause my best friend is one of the best assisted living facility finders there is.
Melanie: I did do really well with my parents, didn’t I? Hey. I know what you’re up to.
Victoria: Mm, what smells so good?
Melanie: Mm, it’s easy bake cake. When I was a kid, I wanted that cake at my wedding to Bobby Sherman.
Joy: Mm. For me, it was Rod Stewart. I was so mad I was too young for him. Now, I’m too old for him.
[Laughter]
Bess: Hey, Tori. I just wanna thank you for what you just did.
Victoria: Hey, we both know I was long overdue to help take care of mom. And don’t you worry. I will take excellent care of her.
Bess: Where is she?
Victoria: Huh, I thought she was with you.

Penny: I went too far! They’re gonna shove me in a home! They wanna drag me out of my house, and dump me in an old folks’ home in Cleveland.
Elka: I told you you were playing with fire.
Penny: You told me to dial up the crazy.
Elka: In my defense, that can mean anything.
Penny: Now what am I supposed to do? I mean, I love Victoria. She’s my light. But Bess Bess is my rock.
Elka: You have to let Bess go. Maybe you should let Victoria be the rock for a change. [Both laugh] I tried to keep a straight face. I really did.
Penny: I mean, what is this about? Me moving to Cleveland at my age.
Elka: Why not? What are you, 80?
Penny: Not yet.
Elka: You’re a kid. Tell Victoria you want a condo with a lake view.
Penny: Well, that might be okay. One question, though. How’s the puppet scene in Cleveland?
Elka: I’m proud to say I have no idea.

Bess: I’ll tell you what crazy is pretending to be crazy for months just to get Victoria to visit. Why didn’t you just ask her?
Penny: I have been asking her for 12 years.
Victoria: Now, now, can’t we just stop with the lies? I’m 42 years old. I think I can handle the truth.
Penny: Um [Clears throat] Actually, the truth is Bess is moving on, and I should too, so look out, Cleveland. Here I come.
Victoria: Oh, mom, that is great.
Melanie: Yay! Happy family. Let’s have tiny cake.
Bess: Ooh. What flavor is it?
Joy: Hey, the flavor is “far-out vanilla.” Oh, my God. Look at this.” Best before 1986.”
Elka: So were you.

Penny: Elka, I may be wrong, but aren’t those guys over there checking us out?
Elka: You’re not in Canoga Falls anymore. Things move a little faster in the big city.
Penny: Oh. Not that fast.
Elka: Nick, what are you doing?
Nick: Oh, I, um I just wanted to come over and say “hello” to your friend [Chuckles] But I lost my courage.
Elka: [Laughs] This is my friend Penny.
Nick: Uh-uh.
Elka: Penny, this is Nick.
Penny: Hello, Nick. Nick, have a seat.
Nick: Oh, thank you.
Elka: Penny’s moving to Cleveland.
Nick: Ohh great.
Elka: She might need someone to show her the sights.
Nick: Oh, yeah. Sure. Go gosh. You would need a lot of [Stammers] Oh, you mean me? Uh-huh? Oh, yeah. I can do that.
Penny: But, you know, if we’re going to be walking, I don’t think we’ll get to see all the sights, but [Laughs] Uh, well, yeah, I I’d like you to show me around.
Elka: Well, I’ve got things to do. Why don’t you two get acquainted?
Penny: Oh, Elka. I am so glad we had this time together.
Elka: Me too.
[Both chuckle]
Penny: You remind me of someone.
Nick: Uh-huh. You wanna make out?
Penny: As long as you’re slow.

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