Hot in Cleveland S02, Ep18 – Arch Enemies

Season: 2
Episode: 18
Title: Arch Enemies
Original Air Date: August 3, 2011


Guest Stars:
George Newbern: Bill
James Patrick Stewart: Colin
Alicia Hannah: Devon


Synopsis: Victoria’s coworker Colin is a practical joker. Victoria enlists Joy’s help to make him pay. Melanie starts dating “dead wife guy” and discovers he imports Italian shoes, but he’s also a shrimper. Joy and Colin hit if off and have a fabulous love affair for 8 days. However, neither can hide their true selves and they confess. They conclude their affair on the couch in his office. Joy’s final revenge on Colin: she switched his shampoo with something more potent and he is now bald.


Click on either link to grab the second season of the show, it’s a great way to support the ladies and have some serious laughs.

Amazon Hot in Cleveland: Season 2

iTunes Hot in Cleveland, Season 2 – Hot in Cleveland


Favorite Quotes:

* Joy: Your the most trusted face in Cleveland Broadcasting.
Colin: It’s the rest of me you gotta worry about.

* Joy: Mind if I perch?
Colin: A lovely bird should perch.

* Joy: I like being cool Joy.

* Victoria: A shrimper. A guy who likes feet. Well, actually toes to be exact.
Joy: Because toes look just like baby shrimp, ergo shrimper.

* Melanie: You really seem to be having a good time with this guy. Are sure you’re not falling for him?
Joy: Of course not. I would never fall for him. That would ruin everything.
Victoria: You’re a good friend, Joy.
Joy: I’ve fallen for him. I’ve ruined everything!

* Melanie: Break out the cocktail sauce, I’m dating a shrimper.
Joy: Really? You gonna keep him or throw him back?

* Melanie: You know, to prolong his agony, maybe you should let Joy string him along for a while.
Joy: Yes! Like after Christmas in London with my family. That’ll really get him.

* Joy: Oh, no, a second chime! You’ve got to go now!
Colin: You gonna turn into a pumpkin or something?

* Victoria: That’s right, Joy. I mean, if someone as uptight as Melanie can date a pervert, then surely there’s hope for you.

* Joy: So our fake selves are compatible, but our real selves wouldn’t stand a chance. Insane jealousy does not pair well with serial womanizer.
Colin: Not in my experience, no.


Transcript:

Victoria: And you know, Colin, I was surprised to find out how many Ohioans are making cheese on their own backyards. And who knew cheese came from an animal?
Colin: Uh, everybody. And for those of you who like wine with your cheese, and I know you do, Victoria, tonight’s tech report reviews a groundbreaking new app that actually lets you taste and smell things right on your computer. For example, this 1964 Lafite. Oh, that is fantastic. Victoria, smell the bouquet.
Victoria: I don’t smell anything.
Colin: Really? Oh, they did say senior citizens might not be able to smell it–
Victoria: Wait, wait, wait, wait! Ah, yes, yes. No, I–I smell it now. I smell it big time.
Colin: And the most amazing feature is if you lick the screen, you can actually taste the wine. It’s remarkable.
Victoria: Mmm. Oh it’s a bit tannic. But, um, very bold finish.
Colin: Gotcha! Oh, the fun we have here at Channel Seven.
Victoria: Oh, we certainly do. Lots of fun.
Colin: But what isn’t fun is that there is something in your house right now that may be killing you and your children. Stay tuned right after these words.

Victoria: I mean, Colin pulls these pranks all the time. This is just the first time he’s had the nerve to do it on the air.
Joy: So what did you say to him?
Victoria: Oh, I went ballistic, of course. And then he said what he always says. “Oh, get over it!”
Joy: Ew! I hate when men say things like that. “Get over it” or “just relax” or “how did you get into my apartment without a key?”
Victoria: Anyway, this time I don’t want to get over it. I want to get even.
Joy: Well, you’ve come to the right place. What’s his horse’s head?
Victoria: Excuse me?
Joy: His weakness. You know, like in The Godfather, where the guy wakes up with his horse’s head in the bed. Good one that.
Victoria: Oh, yeah. Well, Colin considers himself Cleveland’s premier ladies man. You know, he pumps them up and then sleeps with them and dumps them and brags about it in the newsroom. Hmm.
Joy: Has he ever been dumped?
Victoria: No, no, he prides himself on that.
Joy: Then that’s what we’ll do. I’ll seduce him, lead him on, then dump him in one of the hideously embarrassing ways men have always dumped me. It’s about time I gave a man a taste of his own medicine. Like that pharmacist I dated. Only I didn’t know he’d have that reaction to his own medicine. Anyway, this will be fun.
Victoria: And I won’t micro-manage your method. You know, just be sure that I am there when you do it, so I can pop out and sneer, “oh, get over it!”
Melanie: You’ll never believe who I ran into. Dead wife guy.
Joy: You mean the guy who almost threw up when he saw you because you look like his dead wife?
Melanie: Yes. Dead wife guy. We had a beautiful conversation. He asked me out. And get this–he imports Italian Designer Shoes.
Joy: Get out!
Melanie: Yes, I got myself a number three on the perfect husband list.
Joy: I thought number three was a plastic surgeon who looks just like George Clooney.
Victoria: No, no, no, no, no. It goes island owner, plastic surgeon who looks like George Clooney, importer of designer shoes, plastic surgeon who doesn’t look like George Clooney, and any childless billionaire who (all three) just needs a companion for the last two weeks of his life.
(tablet rings)
Melanie: Ooo! That must be Elka. She’s skyping in from Europe.
Elka: Bonjour!
All: Bonjour.
Elka: You know, the food here in Paris is delicious. Victoria, you would love this chocolate croissant. Here, have a lick.

Joy: Oh! I’m sorry. I must have the wrong office.
Colin: Or the right one.
Joy: What’s your handicap?
Colin: Beautiful brunettes with killer smiles.
Joy: Wait! You’re Colin Cooper.
Colin: Yes, I get that quite a lot, being Colin Cooper and all.
Joy: Your the most trusted face in Cleveland Broadcasting.
Colin: It’s the rest of me you gotta worry about.
Joy: I’m Joy. Joy Scroggs. Big fan.
Colin: Well, thank you.
Joy: Mind if I perch?
Colin: A lovely bird should perch.
Joy: It’s such a pleasure to hear someone speak without an accent.
Colin: Well, then I know just where to take you for lunch. There’s a brand-new pub down on prospect. Feels just like home. Pints of lager, steak and kidney pie, plates of mushy peas.
Joy: Mmm! Mushy peas.
Colin: Let me just run down to the set and grab my jacket and we’ll head off, eh?
Joy: Lovely. Sss!
Victoria: Joy? Where did he go?
Joy: Oh, relax. He just went to get his jacket. It is going splendidly.
Victoria: Heh!
Joy: There’s something freeing about hitting on a man I know I’m gonna break up with. You know me, if I were really into this guy, I’d be nervous, self-conscious, obsessive.
Victoria: Clingy, unbalanced, insecure. What? You started it.
Joy: I like being cool Joy. I mean, there could be a naked woman hiding in that closet right now and I could not care less.
Victoria: Oh, come on! Now what woman in this day and age would hide in a closet?
Colin: I’ve got a lunch. I’ll be back in an hour.
Victoria: Yes, I am aware of the irony.
Colin: Shall we?
Joy: Let’s. Me first.

Bill: You know, Gucci is about to unveil a new shoe. A six-inch heel that also tones your thighs.
Melanie: Oh! Say that again only slower.
Bill: I can get you a sample.
Melanie: Oh! I’m a 6-1/2!
Bill: Oh. Perfect sample size. You about ready to order dessert?
Melanie: Oh, uh, let’s see –
Bill: Excuse me.
Melanie: I had bread, two glasses of wine and pasta. So I need to find something chocolaty that’s negative 300 calories. Is everything okay down there?
Bill: Oh, all good.
Melanie: Oh.
Bill: Ah, I’m really glad you decided to go out with me again, Melanie. You really are the perfect package. From the top of your pretty head all the way down to your super sexy toe cleavage.

Melanie: I think dead wife guy might be into feet. Well, not all feet. My feet. He likes my feet.
Victoria: Oh, so he’s a shrimper.
Melanie: A what?
Victoria: A shrimper. A guy who likes feet. Well, actually toes to be exact.
Joy: Because toes look just like baby shrimp, ergo shrimper.
Melanie: Hmm. Well, when you put it that way, you know, it’s kinda cute. And maybe I’m wrong. I mean, all he did was notice that I have attractive feet.
Joy: Melanie, men don’t notice feet unless they’re into feet.
Victoria: Yeah, they barely notice faces.
(cell phone beeps)
(Joy laughs)
Melanie: What’s so funny?
Joy: Oh, it’s from Colin. Private joke about the welsh.
Victoria: You already have private jokes? Oh! That is so delicious. He is never going to see it coming. Ah! I am going to sleep like a baby tonight.
Melanie: You really seem to be having a good time with this guy. Are sure you’re not falling for him?
Joy: Of course not. I would never fall for him. That would ruin everything.
Victoria: You’re a good friend, Joy.
Joy: I’ve fallen for him. I’ve ruined everything!
Melanie: How could you be crazy about him already? It was just one lunch.
Joy: A three-hour lunch where we never stopped laughing or talking or finishing each other’s sentences. I mean, sure, he’s pompous and smarmy and arrogant. And in an uglier man, that would be unattractive. But you know me. Good-looking bad boy. That’s my horse’s head.

Victoria: You booby-trapped the doughnut box to make me storm in here looking ridiculous. Well, it didn’t work.
Colin: Oh, come on, Victoria, you can’t possibly think I meant that for you. You’re the one whose always saying, “I never eat sweets. I’ve got willpower.”
Victoria: Yeah, well I was having a low blood sugar moment.
Colin: Well, listen, if you’re still a bit peckish, have a three musketeers bar. My treat.
Victoria: Thank you.
Colin: Gotcha!
Victoria: Oh, you juvenile, pathetic –
Colin: Oh, get over it! Colin Cooper. Oh, hi Phil! Yeah, I can’t make the poker game tonight. I’ve got a date. Well, that’s just it, mate. I would rather spend poker night with Joy ’cause I could see this really turning into something serious. Oh, so I’m a woman because now I care about someone. Well, you’re the woman! No, just don’t tell the other guys. Just say I’m sick or something.

Melanie: Are you okay? You seem a little nervous.
Bill: No, it’s just that I got you something, and I just hope it’s not too soon.
Melanie: Oh, Bill. It’s a ring box.
Bill: It most certainly is. It’s a toe ring.
Melanie: It most certainly is.
Bill: May I?
Melanie: Yes.
People in Restaurant: Ew! Ugh!

Melanie: Break out the cocktail sauce, I’m dating a shrimper.
Joy: Really? You gonna keep him or throw him back?
Melanie: Keep him, I think. I mean, that’s why I moved to Cleveland. To try new things, right? I mean, how bad could it be to have a guy worship your feet?
Joy: Wouldn’t know. Never had a man travel that far South. Most just make a quick stop at the Equator, empty my fridge, and peel out of the driveway.
Victoria: Ladies, I have fabulous news!
Melanie: You started playing paintball?
Victoria: Oh, no, no, it’s just another one of Colin’s pranks. Which makes my fabulous news even more enjoyable. I overheard Colin on the phone. Joy, he is genuinely crazy about you.
Joy: Really? Are you sure?
Victoria: Not only are you going to destroy his ego, but you are going to break the heart of a man who truly thinks you have a future together.
Melanie: You know, to prolong his agony, maybe you should let Joy string him along for a while.
Joy: Yes! Like after Christmas in London with my family. That’ll really get him.
Victoria: No, no! What are you talking about? Now I had this all planned. No, you were going to dump him on the porch tonight. And while he’s reeling in shock, you’ll ring the wind chimes, and that’ll be my signal to come out and gloat.
Melanie: Oh, so now you like the wind chimes. When I bought them at the renaissance fair, you said they were stupid.
Victoria: Yeah, well they are stupid, and so is the renaissance fair.
Melanie: Oh, yeah? Well that’s just because you weren’t selected to be wench of the joust.
Victoria: Maybe. Anyway, the important thing is Colin will never be able to look at Joy again without disgust and heartbreak. Oh! It’s just so beautiful.

Joy: Colin, stop! I don’t think we should–
Colin: Should what?
Joy: Stop kissing. That wind chime noise was caused by the wind!
Colin: Isn’t that usually the case with wind chimes?
Joy: Oh, no, a second chime! You’ve got to go now!
Colin: You gonna turn into a pumpkin or something?
Joy: I’ll explain everything tomorrow. Just go! Text me!
Victoria: Oh, get over it– wait, where did he go? I heard wind chimes.
Joy: I didn’t break up with him. There’s just this thing between us. I can’t explain it. You know the thing you can’t explain.
Melanie: You know the thing.
Victoria: Yeah, we all know the thing. We’ve all done stupid things for the thing. And if you think that this thing is going to turn into a bigger thing, then well I won’t stand in your way. I’ll just have to get back at Colin some other way.
Joy: Thank you, Victoria.
Victoria: All right.
Joy: It’s from Colin. “Lunch tomorrow, baby?” That’s what he calls me. “Baby.”
Victoria: Ah.
Joy: Oh, God, what term of endearment should I write back? Honey? Sounds like we’re old marrieds. Ducky? Who am I, Benny Hill? Oh, God! It’s happening! I was cool Joy when I knew it was going to end, but now that I care, I’m nervous and insecure.
Melanie: No, no, fight it. You can be cool Joy again. Just like I’m cool Melanie dating a shrimper. Me!
Victoria: That’s right, Joy. I mean, if someone as uptight as Melanie can date a pervert, then surely there’s hope for you.

Bill: You are crazy. You’re much prettier than Keira Knightly.
Melanie: Oh, please. Tell me more. And support your argument.
Bill: You seen her feet? She’s a two-socker.
Melanie: You know, bill, I’m getting a sense of what you’re into, and if I’m right, I am willing to dip my toe in the water.
Bill: Really?
Melanie: It’s all new to me, but I’m cool. I’m cool Melanie trying new things.
Bill: Well, fantastic! Well, then would you be up for a little role playing?
Melanie: Role playing?
Bill: Yeah, with– hang your feet off the edge of the chair there. Like they’re sticking out of the window of a parked car, and I’ll be the officer passing by. Excuse me, ma’am. I couldn’t help noticing your feet.
Melanie: Oh, sorry. I was just airing them out.
Bill: Well, I’m afraid I’m gonna have to arrest you for a dui. Deliciously unforgettable instep.
Melanie: Oh, officer, couldn’t you just let me off with a warning?
Bill: Well, there’s also the issue of indecent exposure. But I could give you something to slip on.
Melanie: Shoe sample?
Bill: This one’s for you cause you’re a good girl. And this one’s for you cause you’re bad girl.
Melanie: You know what?

Joy: Hi! Ready for lunch.
Colin: Oy, you look ravishing.
Joy: Thank you.
Colin: Hey, does this sound scary enough for the 11:00 news program? “There’s a flesh-eating virus that may be lurking in something you and your children eat every day.”
Joy: Oh, my God, is there?
Colin: No, that’s why I legally have to say may be.
Devon: Oh, excuse me, Mr. Cooper? They need you in editing for a second, and this came for you.
Colin: Thanks, Devon.
Joy: Devon. It’s a pretty name. Pretty girl.
Colin: Yeah, I suppose so.
Joy: Who’s the gift from? Probably just a fan.
Joy: Hmm. A fan named “love ya, Jennifer.” Who’s “love ya, Jennifer”?
Colin: I haven’t a clue. I’ll make this as quick as I can, baby.
Joy: Cool Joy. Cool Joy. Cool Joy. Oh, screw it! Aah!
Victoria: Gotcha!
Joy: Victoria, you did this?
Victoria: Joy, that was meant for Colin. Why did you open it?
Joy: It was taunting me. I could hear it saying, “I’m from Jennifer! “I’m 22! I have big breasts. Colin and I laugh about you when we’re having great sex!”
Victoria: All right, now I’m confused. Are you the box or are you Jennifer?
Joy: He’s coming back! Hide in your closet.
Victoria: It is not my closet!
Joy: Just hide! So, you’re ready to go?
Colin: What happened to you?
Joy: I opened the box.
Colin: Victoria. I’m sorry. That must have been a practical joke meant for me. But, darling, why did you open it?
Joy: Because I get crazy jealous when I care about a man. Also crazy paranoid. Oh, and crazy insecure. But for what it’s worth, I’ve been trying to fight it. But it’s hard. I just want to be honest with you.
Colin: Then I’ll be honest with you. I’ve been fighting my true nature as well. I’ve been faithful to you since we’ve met. And it’s killing me.
Joy: We met eight days ago.
Colin: I know. It’s a personal best.
Joy: So our fake selves are compatible, but our real selves wouldn’t stand a chance. Insane jealousy does not pair well with serial womanizer.
Colin: Not in my experience, no.
Joy: On the other hand, my real safe and my fake self are incredibly attracted to you.
Colin: Please tell me at least one of them is about to get naked. Well, it has been eight days.
Joy: Wait! What about my green face?
Colin: What green face?
Joy: Men really don’t notice faces, do they?
Colin: I should warn you. I normally break up with a woman once I sleep with her.
Joy: And I should warn you. Something will be missing from your office tomorrow, or broken off your car.
Colin: Fine!
Joy: Fine!
Colin: Victoria? What the–
Victoria: Oh, get over it!

Victoria: Coming up next. Is there something in your house that’s causing you and your children to go bald? The answer may surprise you. Isn’t that right, Colin?
Colin: Sure surprised me.
Victoria: Heh!

Melanie: How did you–
Joy: I switched out his shampoo for something a little more potent. I did it for me and Victoria and all the other women he’s dumped. Although I must say, he looks rather good bald, doesn’t he? A lot of women find that look attractive. Me for instance. Oh, great, now he’s going to have even more women, and there’s no chance we’ll ever get back together again. I know! I’ll pin this on Victoria. That way he’ll need me to get back at her. I’ll make it up to Victoria somehow. It will all be fine in the end.
Melanie: Good night, Joy.
Joy: Oh, good night, Melanie. Melanie. The only problem with this plan is Melanie. She knows too much.

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