Hot in Cleveland S02, Ep12 – How I Met My Mother

Season: 2
Episode: 12
Title: How I Met My Mother
Original Air Date: June 22, 2011


Guest Stars:
Michael McMillian: Owen
Mark Derwin: Gary


Synopsis: Elka is trying to train Dummy, now Chance to jump, using Joy. Victoria announces that she was writing letters to an prisoner as Joy and he was paroled yesterday and he may be coming for Joy. Everyone freaks out. Joy orders up an alarm system. That night the ladies think they hear a prowler. Joy takes a pellet gun away from Elka and throws it on the couch. It goes off and hits someone. The wounded fellow is Joy’s son, but she panics and says Melanie is Joy. They go crazy with accents and out of frustration Joy admits who she is. At the hospital Owen clearly has cold feet still and decides he doesn’t want relationship. She goes home to find the ladies consoling Gary because Joy isn’t Joy. She goes back to the hospital and makes a great speech. She and Owen talk. The ladies come home from church and Elka is upset. Chance stole the show but only because he stole the baby Jesus.


Click on either link to grab the second season of the show, it’s a great way to support the ladies and have some serious laughs.

Amazon Hot in Cleveland: Season 2

iTunes Hot in Cleveland, Season 2 – Hot in Cleveland


Favorite Quotes:

* Joy: So this violent criminal thinks I’m his pen pal?
Victoria: No, no, no. His pen lover. But you broke it off after he proposed.

* Joy: All the Scroggs men faint at the sight of blood. One rare steak can ruin a dinner party. He really is mine.

* Joy: This is the Gary that we were afraid was gonna kill me? Is he crying?
Elka: Like Brett Favre retiring for the tenth time.

* Joy: Why does everything have to be the way people bloody picture it? Life doesn’t work that way!
Gary: Boy, you got a temper on you.

* Joy: So maybe this wasn’t what either one of us expected. How could it be? This is awkward and painful and messy, and no one pictures messy. But sometimes, if you’re willing to work through the messy, you end up getting to something good. That was it. The whole speech. Maybe I said it too fast. The, “hi, Owen, we have to talk” was implied.
Owen: Okay.

* Owen: Okay. Here comes the the big one. Um Why did you give me up?
Joy: Well for this moment that someday, I would meet you again. And you would be well-raised and healthy and happy. And you might be my friend.
Owen: I’d like that.

* Joy: Why did every bird in that bloody show pick me to crap on?
Elka: I don’t think we should question the wisdom of the animals.

* Victoria: Oh, come on. He stole the show.
Elka: He stole the baby Jesus.


Transcript:

Elka: Oh, good, Joy, you’re here. Would you mind helping me for a second?
Joy: Sure. What do you want? Just raise your hand. Like you’re the Statue of Liberty. Perfect. Attack!
Joy: Elka!
Melanie: What’s going on?
Joy: She’s trying to get dummy to attack me.
Melanie: Oh, that’s not his name anymore. It’s Chance. Elka thought the name dummy was holding him back.
Joy: Why are you training him to attack people?
Elka: For church.
Melanie: Attendance has been down, so the pastor came up with this great idea to get people in the pews. Bible stories told through pets.
Elka: Chance is auditioning for David in “David and goliath.” If you can’t jump, they’re just gonna make you another sheep in the manger.
Joy: Oh, give it up. You can’t even get him to sit.
Elka: Yes, I can. Sit. Sit. In the kitchen! Good boy! Start measuring him for wool.
Victoria: Hi, guys. Yeah, I was just thinking. Isn’t it great that we’re the kind of friends who can tell each other anything? You know, without any judgment or recriminations. Just love and Forgiveness.
Joy: Which one of us should be nervous right now?
Victoria: Nobody, nobody.
Melanie: What’s going on?
Victoria: Well, this is the weirdest little story. Uh, but ten years ago, I was having a particularly bad day. You know, the kind of day that can only be cured with drinking and fan mail. And I happened upon this eloquently-written letter from a gentleman in a correctional facility. Well, he was such an earnest fan, I had to write him back.
Melanie: You wrote to a prisoner?
Victoria: Well, Gary prefers the term “incarcerated American.” But of course, I wasn’t reckless enough to use my own name.
Melanie: What name did you use?
Victoria: Well, this is the second little wrinkle in the story which, Joy, I think you are gonna find particularly funny.
Joy: You used my name?
Victoria: I pretended you were my assistant.
Elka: Why would you do that? Joy would make a terrible assistant.
Victoria: Well, I figured it was safe. I mean, there wasn’t a chance they were gonna parole this guy on account of his violent history.
Melanie: Violent! What violent history?
Victoria: Oh, something about body parts and chopping. Um, I kind of skimmed over the segments that weren’t about me, you know.
Joy: So this violent criminal thinks I’m his pen pal?
Victoria: No, no, no. His pen lover. But you broke it off after he proposed. And then he got very angry and, you know, started saying, “oh, if I ever get out of here, I’m gonna come get you, and”
Melanie: So why are we hearing this story now, instead of never Oh, my God! He escaped, didn’t he?
Victoria: No, no, it’s nothing like that. He was just paroled yesterday. Look, I never, ever thought that anything like this would happen. Joy, I am so, so, so sorry.
Joy: We’ll deal with us later. Right now, we have to figure out what do to about an ex-con who chops up bodies and is coming here to get me.
Melanie: How are we gonna recognize him? I mean, do you know what he looks like?
Victoria: Well, I never asked for a photo. I didn’t want him to think that Joy was shallow.
Joy: Does he know what I look like?
Victoria: Well, I might have sent him that picture of you from our trip to Grand Cayman.
Joy: You mean the one in the white bikini that showed everything when it got wet?
Victoria: You should be flattered. It was a big hit with the whole cell block. Gary was having a very tough week.
Melanie: You know, I always thought my son stole that picture, so this, actually, it’s quite a relief. Not, not a relief right now, but, but for another time.
Elka: Hello? Yes, Joy’s here. Who’s calling? He hung up.
Joy: Oh, my God, it’s him!
Elka: Even more than usual, I’m glad I’m not Joy right now.

(Melanie and Victoria bump into each other, both scream)
Melanie: Victoria! I thought I heard a noise. I almost maced you.
Victoria: That’s sunscreen.
Melanie: Oh, well, I thought it was my pepper spray. What did you think that was?
Victoria: I knew it was a magnifying mirror. Do you know anything scarier?
Melanie: Wait, don’t point that thing at me.
Joy: Hey.
Elka: What’s going on? Is everybody all right?
Melanie: Are you hunting wabbits?
Elka: It’s a Polish pellet gun.
Joy: What, does it shoot backwards?
Elka: Are you really gonna make Polish jokes when I’m holding a gun?
Joy: Look, I have an alarm guy coming in the morning. We do not need any guns.
(Joy takes the pellet gun from Elka and tosses it on the couch. It goes off.)

Owen: Aah! Oh, my Oh! My my name is Owen. I’m looking for my birth mother. Which one of you is Joy Scroggs?
Joy: Her.
Victoria: Elka’s calling 911, and I brought some alcohol.
Joy: Oh, right, to sterilize his wounds?
Victoria: Yeah.
Joy: Thank God it’s just buckshot in the leg. He doesn’t seem that badly hurt.
Melanie: Then why did he faint?
Joy: All the Scroggs men faint at the sight of blood. One rare steak can ruin a dinner party. He really is mine.
Melanie: Yeah, but when he wakes up, he’s gonna think he’s mine. Why did you say I was you?
Victoria: Obviously, Joy’s in shock, or she would have chosen the superior actress for the role.
Joy: I panicked. Since I gave him up for adoption, I’ve dreamed of what our reunion would be like a million different ways, none of which involved me shooting him. Please just say you’re me for a little while until I can figure out how to explain all this.
Elka: The ambulance is on the way. How’s he doing?
Joy: He’s waking up.
Melanie: I don’t know how to do a British accent.
Joy: Just talk like I do.
Elka: Oh, this is a bad idea.
Melanie: ‘Ello. ‘Ow’s me ol’ son?
Elka: Called it.
Owen: Joy?
Melanie: Blimey! I wish I’d-a known you were comin’. I’d-a put on a spot o’ tea. I call elevators “lifts.”
Joy: What your mom is trying to say in her reserved English way is, “gosh darn it, we’re happy you’re here.”
Owen: Then why did you shoot me?
Victoria: Perhaps I can be of some assistance. We were under the impression that you were an ex-convict. Terribly sorry.
Owen: Who are you?
Victoria: I’m Lady Winchester.
Melanie: She’s me mum.
Owen: So you’re my grandmother?
Victoria: No, no, no. No, I am your step-grandmother. I am your grandfather’s second wife. Actually younger than Joy. Which is quite a scandal, really.
Joy: You really should have called your mother. So she could have prepared for your arrival.
Owen: I did call; I just got nervous and I hung up.
Melanie: Oh!
Victoria: Oh!
Joy: Oh.
Melanie: Well, no worries. The important thing is, you should consider yourself at ‘ome.
Victoria: Don’t drop your H’s, darling. Oh, why can’t the English learn to speak?
Melanie: You can’t tell me what to say. You’re not me real mum.
Victoria: Don’t you be impertinent.
(Victoria and Melanie argue)
Joy: This is ridiculous. Both of you stop it. I’m Joy. I’m your mother.
Owen: What? Wait, you’re my mother? Why did you pretend that you weren’t?
Joy: I panicked.
Owen: And who shot me?
Joy: That was me too. But it was an accident.
Melanie: She’s right. Technically, the couch shot you.
Victoria: Yeah, maybe we should just start at the beginning. You see, I was writing love notes to a prisoner, as your mother.
Owen: Are you all insane?
Melanie: Oh, good! The paramedics are here.
Joy: I’ll follow you in my car. And trust me, things here aren’t as crazy as they seem.
Elka: I brought a wee bag of ice for the wee ‘un’s leg. What? We’re not doing that anymore?

Victoria: I just got off the phone with Joy. She’s still waiting to see Owen, but the doctor says he’s resting comfortably.
Melanie: That’s good. I have some good news too. It’s against the law for parolees to leave the state they were incarcerated in. So Gary can’t leave Pennsylvania.
Victoria: So he’s far? Near?
Melanie: It’s the state to our right.
Victoria: Stage right?
(doorbell rings)
Melanie: Oh, I bet that’s the alarm guy. Joy said he’d be by around 11:00.
Gary: Hi. Here to see Joy Scroggs.
Victoria: Oh, you must be from the alarm company.
Gary: Yes. May I come in?
Victoria: Well, Joy’s not here, but we live here too. And I guess we should still get that alarm system, right?
Melanie: Yeah, I think so. Can I get you something to drink while you check out the house?
Gary: Great, thanks.
Victoria: Well, I see you staring, and, yes, I am television’s Victoria Chase.
Gary: Hey, don’t sell your film work short. You were great as the outraged white congresswoman in Madea goes to Washington.
Victoria: Oh. “Turn that music down! We’re trying to filibuster!”
(Melanie hits the answering machine button in the kitchen) “Hey, this is Reggie with the alarm company. I’m not gonna make it today, so please call to reschedule. Thanks.”
Melanie: Oh oh, my God.
Victoria: And then I would have said, “oh, it’s just an honor being nominated” with all these talented women.
Gary: I can’t tell you how mad I am that you never got to make your speech. If I could kidnap everyone who was in the audience that night and make them listen to it, I would.
Victoria: That is so sweet.
Melanie: Victoria. Can I see you in the kitchen, please? I need some help with the lemonade.
Victoria: Well, we’re kind of in the middle of something here. How hard is it to make lemonade? No, I mean, really How hard is it? I seriously have no idea.
Melanie: Psst.
Victoria: If I am any judge of character, that guy is a winner.
Melanie: That’s not the alarm guy. I think that’s Gary crazed ex-con Gary.
Victoria: No, it can’t be. No, he’s not allowed to leave Portland.
Melanie: Pennsylvania.
Elka: Hey, whose creepy van is parked out front?
Melanie: That’s the convict’s. We gotta run.
Gary: Not a good idea.

Joy: I’m sorry.
Owen: Have you been here staring at me all night?
Joy: Not all night. I went down to the maternity ward and stared at the babies until security asked me to leave. Anyway, great news. You’re buckshot free.
Owen: So I have the same amount of buckshot as I had before I met you.
Joy: You’ll probably laugh about that someday. I mean, if you want. If things work out. We could laugh about it now, if you wish, or we could just talk I’ve got all day.
Owen: About that, um You know that I had cold feet about coming to see you. And then I started picturing what this moment might be like. And what you might be like, and and how we might have this life-changing, cosmic connection. So a couple days ago, I told myself, just get on a plane and do it. What’s the worst that could happen?
Joy: This wasn’t how I pictured our first meeting either. I mean, you’re the closest person in the world to me, biologically. But we’re complete strangers. It’s just all so overwhelming.
Owen: Maybe this was a mistake. I mean, you’re uncomfortable, I’m uncomfortable.
Joy: But that’s the exact, same relationship I have with my mother! We can build on this.
Owen: Look, you seem like a really nice woman. But I think that we should say we met, mystery solved, and get back to our regular lives. Or my regular life and whatever that was going on over at your house.
Joy: So this is good-bye?
Owen: I think it’s for the best.

Gary: So where’s Joy?
Melanie: I don’t know. Please don’t kill us.
Gary: I’m not gonna kill anybody. What gave you that idea?
Victoria: Well, the reason you went to prison. Body parts.
Gary: Auto body parts. I ran a ring of chop chops. I wrote that in my first fan letter to you.
Melanie: Victoria doesn’t read anything that’s not about her.
Victoria: I really don’t.
Elka: Look, I’ve done a little time myself. So one con to another, forget Joy. Why don’t you just go to a strip club, like a real parolee?
Melanie: That’s an awesome idea. I’ll give you all my singles. You can make it rain.
Gary: I been waiting for this moment for too long. I’m gonna make her sorry she ruined my life.
Victoria: She didn’t ruin your life. I did. I’m the one who wrote all those letters. I just used her name and picture, because I’m a celebrity, and celebrities can’t be associated with prisoners, unless they’re researching a role. And I never get those parts. Too glamorous.
Gary: You wrote all the letters?
Victoria: Yes, you see, I’m the one you’re madly in love with.
Gary: No, you’re not. I fell in love with Joy, the girl from the picture. You’re not even my type.
Victoria: Well, wait a minute! We’re the same type gorgeous, willowy brunettes. And I wrote all those beautiful letters.
Elka: Uh, you’re not trying to win him over.
Victoria: Oh, yeah.
Melanie: Oh, it’ll be all right. You’ll find someone new.
Elka: The strip club is open till 4:00.
Joy: What’s going on here?
Victoria: Oh, Joy, this is Gary.
Gary: Oh, my God, it’s you! But it’s not you.
Joy: This is the Gary that we were afraid was gonna kill me? Is he crying?
Elka: Like Brett Favre retiring for the tenth time.
Gary: All these years, I’ve been imagining how I was finally gonna meet you and win you back. Or, you know, make you pay. This is not how I pictured it at all.
Joy: Why does everything have to be the way people bloody picture it? Life doesn’t work that way!
Gary: Boy, you got a temper on you.
Elka: You dodged a bullet.
Joy: I’ve got to get back to the hospital.
Melanie: Gary, you should probably go too. Your parole officer’s probably worried sick.
Gary: You’re right. No reason to stay here.
Victoria: Wait, Gary Uh I can’t help but feel responsible for what’s happened here today. So any time you’re feeling lonely, please feel free to call this number.
Gary: Susan Lucci?
Victoria: Tell her I said hi.

Joy: So maybe this wasn’t what either one of us expected. How could it be? This is awkward and painful and messy, and no one pictures messy. But sometimes, if you’re willing to work through the messy, you end up getting to something good. That was it. The whole speech. Maybe I said it too fast. The, “hi, Owen, we have to talk” was implied.
Owen: Okay.
Joy: Okay is promising.
Owen: All right. Let’s get messy. Um who’s my dad?
Joy: A charming, lying, handsome rat who no girl could resist. My turn. Are you married?
Owen: Divorced.
Joy: Already?
Owen: Big mess.
Joy: Sorry. Kids?
Owen: You’re not a grandmother.
Joy: Oh, thank God. Oh, I mean, someday when I’m ready. I mean, when you’re ready.
Owen: Is there any baldness in the family?
Joy: No. Not among the men. So good for you, bad for me. What do you do?
Owen: I teach gun safety. I’m I’m I’m kidding. I’m an actuary.
Joy: Oh, wow, an actuary. I have no idea what that is.
Owen: It’s an insurance thing. Uh, how ’bout you?
Joy: Oh, I convince celebrities that they’re plucking their eyebrows all wrong, and they pay me a fortune to do it right.
Owen: Well, how are my brows?
Joy: Oh, they’re fine. You’re grooming them all wrong.
Owen: Really?
Joy: No. See how easy it is?
Owen: Okay. Here comes the the big one. Um Why did you give me up?
Joy: Well for this moment that someday, I would meet you again. And you would be well-raised and healthy and happy. And you might be my friend.
Owen: I’d like that.
Joy: Also, that you might take care of me in my old age.
Owen: We’ll see.

Melanie: Well, I, for one, truly enjoyed Bible stories told through pets. Although I was a little confused about Noah’s ark. I mean, Noah was a dog, but he had dogs. Oh, wait a minute. Mickey Mouse had Pluto as a pet, but Goofy as a friend. So, yeah, makes sense.
Joy: Why did every bird in that bloody show pick me to crap on?
Elka: I don’t think we should question the wisdom of the animals.
Melanie: Well, I am just so proud of chance, our little star.
Elka: Oh, stop trying to make me feel better.
Victoria: Oh, come on. He stole the show.
Elka: He stole the baby Jesus.
Joy: Come on, let’s go inside and turn some water into wine.
Melanie: Hey, this is the first time we’re coming home to our new alarm system.
Alarm System: Front door open.
Joy: Hurry, you have 20 seconds to put in the code.
Melanie: I forgot what we agreed on. Was it one of my kids’ birthdays?
Elka: Uh, no, I think it was the year I was born.
Joy: Can’t be the code has to be four numbers.
Alarm: Ten seconds to alarm.
Melanie: Oh, oh, maybe it’s my goal weight! But is it my dream goal weight or my realistic goal weight?
Joy: Your goal weight has four numbers in it?
Melanie: There’s a decimal point involved.
Victoria: I remember! It was the year I was born.
Alarm: Code declined.
Melanie: You lied about your age to the alarm?
Victoria: Well, I felt it was judging me. All right, take 10 years off. No, 12. I was feeling very vulnerable that day.
Alarm: Thank you, Miss Chase. You look gorgeous.
Victoria: It costs a little extra, but it makes me feel more secure.

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