Hot in Cleveland S01, Ep01 – Pilot

Season: 1
Episode: 1
Title: Pilot
Original Air Date: June 16, 2010


Guest Stars:
John Schneider       Hank Szymborska
Tim Bagley             Larry
Patrick Faucette      James
Chris Marrs             Bill
Bill Dwyer               Anders
Diane Sellers           Brianna
Eileen O’Connell      Flight Attendant
Veronica Taylor       Kim


Synopsis: Joy, Melanie and Victoria are on a flight to Paris. While Victoria is trying to get an email from her agent, Melanie discovers her ex-husband is also on the plane. She bumps into him and gets introduced to his new fiancée. The plane they are on starts to have issues and they are forced to make an emergency landing in Cleveland, Ohio. They go to a bar where they are hit on by men their own age, and they couldn’t be happier. The next morning Joy and Victoria wake up in a hotel. Joy tries to call Melanie’s room, but she’s never checked in. Melanie walks into the hotel room and announces she’s moving to Cleveland. Melanie rents a house, and meets it’s caretaker: Elka Ostrovsky. The girls all decide to stay in Cleveland with Melanie for their vacation instead of go to Paris. Melanie goes on a date with Hank. Joy and Victoria google him and learn he’s married. They chase off to the marina where Melanie and Hank are on a date. They burst in and yell “he’s married!!” at the same time. Joy and Victoria console Melanie on the boat after kicking Hank out. Hank comes back to apologize. Back at the house the girls are on the porch lamenting how their lives have changed. Melanie is now single, Joy’s business is crumbling and Victoria’s show has been cancelled. Elka joins them on the porch. The discuss men. Joy asks Elka why old ladies wear track suits and they all decide to go back to the bar where the men think they are hot.


Click on either link to grab the first season of the show, it’s a great way to support the ladies and have some serious laughs.

Amazon Hot in Cleveland: Season 1

iTunes Hot in Cleveland, Season 1 – Hot in Cleveland


Favorite Quotes:

* Joy: Remember, romantic comedies are like cellulite cures. Every one of them is a lie.

* Joy: Melanie, all the men are bastards, all relationships end badly. Hasn’t my life taught you anything?

* Joy: I say we kill him and make his underage whore watch.

* Victoria: I’m too young to die. Although it is nice to still be too young for something.

* Joy: I feel young and hot like they’re undressing me with their eyes and not finding Spanx. I haven’t felt like a piece of meat in so long.

* Joy: Are your chili fries good?
Waitress: Can Lebron James jump?
Joy: Can who do what now?

* Joy: We appear to have landed in a dimension where men hit on women their own age. We owe it to science to investigate.

* Joy: French fry grease is literally sweating from my pores. (Joy licks her arm) Oh it’s so delicious.

* Melanie (walks in the hotel room): I’m moving to Cleveland.
Joy: You’re such a little slut.

* Joy: Melanie, friends don’t let friends move to Cleveland.

* Elka: Why are you renting to prostitutes?

* Elka: Escaping from the Nazis was the least of my worries.
Joy: Well, you don’t hear that very often. So what are you, like, 100?

* Melanie: I can’t wait to tell Hank. He said he’d call.
Both (Joy and Elka): They all say they’ll call.

* Joy: This is why the Internet was invented: For men to find pictures of naked celebrities and women to cyber-stalk the men they trust.

* Victoria: Oh, look. Okay, here’s an image of him From a month ago with (both:) His wife.
Elka: Well, who didn’t see that coming?

* Joy: Let’s kill him.
Melanie: That’s your solution to everything.
Joy: Well, could we just try it once?

* Elka: You’re not gonna become one of those women who like themselves, are you? Cause everybody hates those women.

* Joy: Let me ask you something. What’s the deal with old ladies and track suites? Elka: It’s simple. In your twenties you dress for men. In your forties you dress for success. In your eighties you dress for the bathroom.

* Elka: (to Joy) Shove over bones.


Transcript:

Joy: Don’t you hate any kid who flies first class? Oy, enough with the clacking.
Victoria: You know, I’m trying to get email reception. My agent said he might have an audition for me when I get back. It’s so hard to find great roles for women in their late 30s.
Joy: Oh, what’s it like at your age?
Melanie: Airplane mirrors aren’t accurate, are they?
Joy: Of course not.
Victoria: Oh they get them from fun houses.
Flight Attendant: Excuse me, – Are you…
Victoria: Yes, yes. I am Victoria Chase. One tries to be inconspicuous.
Joy: Yes. That hat screams, “ignore me.”
Victoria: You know, some fans are reluctant to approach me ever since the edge of tomorrow was cancelled. Playing Honor Saint Raven for the past 27 years has been a privilege and it is always so gratifying to meet those that I have moved and touched.
Flight Attendant: Oh, actually, what I was going to ask was, “are you comfortable?”
Victoria: No, but I will be when you bring me a drink.
Melanie: Champagne, three.
Flight Attendant: Right away. (pause) Oh, you know, I think my Nana watched that show.
Victoria: Oh, I wish that was sweet.
Melanie: Okay, Victoria, put away your phone. Joy, put away your spreadsheets, I want to have a toast. (pause) Thank you. Here’s to number 122. Cash in your miles and fly to Paris with your best friends.
Joy & Victoria: Woo-hoo! – [Speaking French] This is gonna be fun. Yes.
[plane shudders]
Melanie: Ooh. Oh, I’m gonna get a napkin. Be right back. [gasps] Anders is on the plane.
Victoria: Your husband, Anders?
Joy: How many Anders do you know?
Melanie: Oh my God! Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
Victoria: Honey, are you ok?
Joy: Just calm down. You didn’t know he was going to Paris?
Melanie: We haven’t spoken to each other in months. Our lawyers told us not to.
Joy: Your lawyers are right. Ignore him.
Victoria: Miss, kindly close the 1st class drapes. We paid good money not to have to look at coach.
Joy: There, now you can forget all about him. It’s just a hideous coincidence.
Melanie: Yeah, but what if it’s not a coincidence? What if he’s missing me too? And Los Angeles was filled with so many sad memories, he’s flying to Paris to fill a void in his life? What if this is our “meet on top of the empire state building” moment?
Joy: Have you been watching Sleepless in Seattle again?
Melanie: No. Yes. But I got it down to once a month.
Victoria: You know, I was up for a part in that movie.
Joy: Of course you were.
Melanie: I’m going go talk to him.
Joy: Remember, romantic comedies are like cellulite cures. Every one of them is a lie.
Anders: Oh.
Melanie: Oh, my goodness.
Anders: Wow. Melanie.
Melanie: Anders. Wow.
Anders: I didn’t see you get on the plane. [stammers] What a surprise.
Melanie: You’re the one full of surprises. Traveling to Europe, reading fiction, and drinking club soda?
Anders: I know. Where’s your workaholic drunk of a husband, huh?
Melanie: Well, I’m divorcing him, but you–
Kim: Hi, I’m Kim.
Melanie: Hi Kim.
Joy: Melanie, all the men are bastards, all relationships end badly. Hasn’t my life taught you anything?
Melanie: I haven’t even gone on a date yet and he’s taking his fiancée to Paris. And she’s so young. She’s half my age.
Victoria: Well, darling, that really isn’t that young.
Melanie: My fake age.
Victoria: Oh, my God. She’s a child.
Joy: I say we kill him and make his underage whore watch.
Victoria: Listen, I know how painful this is, But maybe–maybe this is your chance to finally move on. Oh, Mel, you deserve so much better.
Joy: She’s right. You’re the kindest, most loving person in the world.
Melanie: I hope the plane crashes and kills them both.
[plane shakes]
Victoria: Make it stop!
Joy: She didn’t cause this!
Melanie: Whoa!
Joy: Make it stop!
[electronic chime] This is Captain Reid speaking. All passengers and flight attendants please take your seats and fasten your seat belts.
[screaming]
Victoria: I knew something like this would happen. All the great ones go down in planes.
Captain: We’ve been cleared for an emergency landing. Please remain calm.
[screaming]
Joy: My God! All I cared about was being successful, and now I’m going die and I never got married or had children!
Victoria: And I never won a daytime Emmy! Not even the season I so courageously battled Lyme disease!
Melanie: And I’ve never done anything impulsive except get on this plane and look where that got me!
Victoria: I’m too young to die. Although it is nice to still be too young for something.
Captain: I need everyone to brace for impact.
Melanie: I love you guys.
Joy: I love you too.
Victoria: And I swear that if I survive this, I am going to stop being so vain.
Melanie: And scared of everything.
Joy: And I’m never going to complain about anything ever, ever again.
[screaming]
Captain: We have safely landed in Cleveland.
All: Cleveland? [pop music]

Melanie: Well, great. My husband’s engaged and we’re in a dive bar in Cleveland.
Victoria: Look, I googled “Cleveland” and “get hammered,” and this is what came up. Along with some very disturbing pictures of Drew Carey.
Melanie: Why are the men looking at us like that?
Victoria: No, I get recognized a lot, but this is different.
Joy: Wait, I remember that look. It’s desire.
Melanie: Oh. They’re looking at us. In L.A., they look past us.
Man #1: Ladies. How you doing?
Joy: Hello.
Man #2: Hey.
Melanie: Yeah.
Man #3: How you doing?
Joy: I feel young and hot like they’re undressing me with their eyes and not finding Spanx. I haven’t felt like a piece of meat in so long.
Victoria: Wow. To think that we spent all that time and effort and money trying to look ten years younger and ten pounds lighter, and all we had to do was crash-land in Cleveland.
Melanie: Where all the men look like real men and the women look like real women.
Victoria: And everyone’s eating and no one’s ashamed.
Joy: I’m gonna order chili fries.
[gasps]
Joy: Are your chili fries good?
Waitress: Can Lebron James jump?
Joy: Can who do what now?
Waitress: They’re good.
Joy: We’ll have three orders and three not-light beers.
[gasps]
Waitress: Coming right up, and the guys at that table over there would like for you to join them.
Victoria: Look how adorably heterosexual they are. In L.A., it’s always a question.
Joy: I blame manscaping. Once a guy waxes his chest he’s at least looking at the other team.
Victoria: Okay, girls. Let’s go have some fun.
Joy: Oh, why the hell not?
Melanie: Wait, wait, wait. Are you sure?
Joy: We appear to have landed in a dimension where men hit on women their own age. We owe it to science to investigate.
Melanie: Oh, are you guys leaving?
Hank: No, we’re just pulling your chairs out for you.
Victoria: They have gentlemen here.
Joy: Nice.
[overlapping chatter]
Bill: Have an onion ring.
Melanie: Wow. I might do that.
Hank: Hi, my name is Hank.
Melanie: Hi, Hank. Melanie.
Bill: I’m Bill.
James: James.
Victoria: And this is Joy and I’m–
James: We know who you are. Victoria Chase.
Bill: I got addicted to Edge of Tomorrow one summer I got laid up. It was the year you were Honor Saint Raven and her evil sister Silver Saint Raven.
Victoria: And her even eviler sister Magnolia Saint Raven.
[laughter] You know, many daytime actors have done dual roles, but I was the first one to tackle a triple. And the Emmy goes to Susan Lucci. Finally!
Bill: She was good.
James: She’s good, yeah.
Hank: So, Melanie, are you an actress too?
Melanie: Oh, no, no.
Hank: Oh, well, you could be. You know, you remind me of that really pretty actress who was in that–that movie. I can’t remember her name.
Melanie: It doesn’t matter.
James: So what brings you guys here?
Victoria: Well, actually, we’re on our way to Paris.
Joy: Yes, Melanie wrote this book called 200 things every woman should do before she dies, and she figured she really should do at least one of them.
Melanie: Yes, and number 122 is fly to Paris with your best friends.
Bill: Wow. A writer and an actress. So what do you do?
Joy: I’m a butt model.
Bill: What’s that like?
Joy: God bless you. I was kidding. You’re looking at the eyebrow queen of Beverly hills. I do a lot of celebrities. Mostly women. Oprah, Cher, Ryan Seacrest.
[laughter]
Bill: Shot in the dark. Are you ladies all unattached?
Joy: At the moment. Melanie’s going through a divorce and Victoria’s been married, like, 20 times.
Victoria: Which in L.A. is, like, five, and for an actress is barely one.
Waitress: Here we go, ladies.
Melanie: Oh, wow.
[excited chatter]
Hank: Only cheese fries? You girls are light eaters, huh?
Melanie: To Cleveland! [laughter]

Joy: Oh, my God, did the plane crash? No, you’re just hung over. Here. God, what were we thinking? Alcohol and salt and trans fats?
Joy: I know. French fry grease is literally sweating from my pores. (Joy licks her arm) [laughter] Oh it’s so delicious.
Victoria: I wonder if Mel’s up yet.
Joy: I’ll call her. Melanie Moretti’s room, please. Really? She never checked in. Should we be worried?
Victoria: No, it’s Melanie. She never does anything crazy.
Melanie (walks in the hotel room): I’m moving to Cleveland.
Joy: You’re such a little slut.
Melanie: I know, right? Oh, my God. You guys, Hank is so amazing and sweet. He told me that I was luscious. He said I was delicious.
Joy: I tell you, it’s the French fry grease. (she licks her arm again)
Melanie: He’s a plumber. [both groan] Right? Right? I mean, how many times have we fantasized about a man who could actually fix things? He showed me all around Cleveland and I’m telling you, it’s nothing like we think. They have symphonies and museums and light opera. Okay, so nobody really likes those things, but they have ’em!
Joy: Listen, we hear what you’re saying, But you’ve lost your freaking mind.
Victoria: It’s the hangover, near death experience, multiple orgasms, running into ex-husbands with surprise fiancées doing the talking.
Melanie: No, it’s not. I’m telling you, you guys, I’m moving to Cleveland.
Joy: Melanie, friends don’t let friends move to Cleveland.
Melanie: Just take a look at this listing.
Victoria: For sale or lease, Victorian with guest cottage, well, that price has got to be missing a zero.
Joy: Oh, my God.
Melanie: I know, right? It’s amazing, huh?
Joy: No, it’s a picture of Oprah. Look at those brows. That’s not my arch. She’s being plucked by someone else.
Victoria: It was probably retouched. I mean, I get all of my photos– I mean, I hear that people do do that.
Joy: I’ve built my business on being the salon that does Oprah’s brows. This is the work of that Russian chick on rodeo. Bloody foreigners.
Melanie: Well, would looking at cheap real estate cheer you up?
Joy: Probably not, but I just can’t lie here licking my wounds. Although (licks her arm again)

Melanie: I love it. I’ll take it.
Victoria: What are you doing? We’re getting on a plane for Paris tomorrow.
Melanie: I was going to Paris to find romance, but I’ve found it here, and I get to keep all my miles.
Joy: Melanie, this is crazy.
Melanie: Look, it’s a month-to-month lease, and a month here costs the same as a night in Paris. Here you go.
Realtor: And here you go. Now there’s just one thing about this place that I should mention.
Elka: Why are you renting to prostitutes?
Realtor: This is Elka Ostrovsky. She’s a caretaker who comes with the house, if you wish to retain her. She stays out in the guest cottage. I’ll leave you to get all that worked out.
Melanie: Hi. I’m Melanie. I’m going to be leasing the place.
Elka: I’ve been the caretaker of this house for 50 years, but you can kick me out. Melanie: I–[exhales] I wouldn’t–
Elka: Oh, no worries. If you can escape from the Nazis, you can handle anything.
Victoria: You escaped from the Nazis?
Elka: Escaping from the Nazis was the least of my worries.
Joy: Well, you don’t hear that very often. So what are you, like, 100?
Elka: I don’t like you. Aren’t you that girl from that show?
Victoria: Yes, yes, I am. Are you a fan?
Elka: No. When it was cancelled, I said, “good riddance.” But I do like that one with Susan Lucci. Now there’s an actress.
Joy: Does anyone else smell pot?
Elka: What are you, a cop?
Joy: No.
Elka: Then what’s it to you?
Melanie: I can’t wait to tell Hank. He said he’d call.
Both (Joy and Elka): They all say they’ll call.
Joy: Ok, that’s creepy.
[phone ringing]
Melanie: Ah, it’s him. It’s him.
Elka: That’s shameful. I haven’t even looked at another man since 1949. When the husband dies, you die.
Victoria: But you’re not dead.
Elka: Inside you die. Oh, you still maintain the shell.
[laughter]
Melanie: I have a date. My first date in 25 years. He wants me to meet him at The Windy Highland Marina. Do you know where that is?
Elka: It’s where whores go. You’re too old to act like this.
Joy: She’s not old. 40 is the new 30.
Victoria: And 50 is the new 40.
Elka: What’s 80?
Joy: It’s still 80.
Elka: And I still don’t like you. Oh Oh, it’s time.
Melanie: Well, I have a caretaker, whatever that means. I also have a date. Hank is making dinner for me on his boat.
Victoria: Plumbers in Cleveland can afford boats?
Joy: This is crazy. You’re uprooting your whole life for some guy you met at a bar?
Victoria: I mean, what do you even know about this guy?
Melanie: I know that I’ve never felt so alive. And you know what? Maybe at our age, We’re just supposed to pounce on these things. My kids are in college. Anders has clearly moved on. So why am I gonna rush back to L.A. And a very empty house? Don’t wait up.
Victoria: What are you doing?
Joy: What Melanie should have done. Googling Hank.
Victoria: Ah, good idea.
Joy: Let’s find out about this guy.
Victoria: Put in “hank, plumber, Cleveland, Windy Highland Marina.
Joy: This is why the Internet was invented: For men to find pictures of naked celebrities and women to cyber-stalk the men they trust.
Victoria: Oh, look. Okay, here’s an image of him From a month ago with (both:) His wife.
Elka: Well, who didn’t see that coming?

Hank: I really want to hear about your book.
Melanie: Oh, well it really just came out of me trying to stay sane while I was home with my kids, I’d just jot something down that I wanted to do some day. And after 18 years I had 200 of them. So I just made a book out of it.
Hank: Huh.
Melanie: So what would be on your list?
Hank: Honestly? I have always wanted to learn to tango.
Melanie: Yeah?
Hank: Rose in my teeth. The whole bit.
Melanie: Oh, my God. Me too!
Hank: Really?
Melanie: Yes. Let’s do it together.
Hank: That would be– I’d really– Really like that. Um, Melanie, there’s, uh– There’s something I really think you should know, and I have been picturing myself telling you and coming up with these really awful scenarios.
Both Joy and Victoria: He’s married!
Hank: Not that bad, but kind of like that.
Melanie: Oh, my God. That’s what you were trying– Oh, my God. No.
Hank: Melanie, please.
Melanie: Oh, no, no. Please don’t. Stop, stop, stop!
Joy: You can just leave.
Hank: But this is my boat.
Victoria: Just go!
Melanie: Please just don’t.
Victoria: Honey, what can we do?
Joy: Let’s kill him.
Melanie: That’s your solution to everything.
Joy: Well, could we just try it once?
Melanie: I just wanted to feel young and stupid. Now I just feel stupid. Stupid and old.
Joy: You’re not old. 40 is the new 25.
Victoria: I thought 40 was the new 30.
Joy: Well, if we’re just gonna make crap up, I’d rather be 25.
[knock on door]
Hank: Excuse me.
Victoria: I said go away!
Hank: There’s something I need to say.
Joy: I think you’ve said and done quite enough.
Hank: I didn’t go to that bar with this in mind, but then three incredibly beautiful, sophisticated women came in and sat down at my table.
Victoria: Go on.
Hank: Melanie, you were so breathtakingly beautiful that I couldn’t stop myself. I am a plumber who’s stuck in a bad marriage and who hurt someone he never should have hurt. I am so sorry.
Victoria: Well, for sophisticated ladies, maybe we shouldn’t have burst in on you like that. But when one of us is in trouble, then nothing else in the world matters. [cell phone rings] Oh, my God. It’s my agent. Okay, everybody, just shut up. He thinks I’m in Paris. Oui, hello? Yes? Hi. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Well, let’s talk tomorrow. Right. Well, I, uh, have an audition for the next Transformers movie.
Joy: Oh, what part?
Victoria: To play Megan Fox’s grandmother.
Joy: But that’s just ridiculous. We should have your agent killed. And make Megan Fox watch.
Hank: If anybody thinks you look like a grandma, they’re crazy.
Victoria: Oh, thank you. He’s a keeper. [laughter]

Melanie: He lied to me. Cheated on his wife. And still he’s one of the nicest guys I’ve met in years.
Joy: Imagine what the men are like here who don’t screw around on their wives.
Victoria: Oh, God, I don’t wanna audition for grandmothers’ parts. I loved being the queen of daytime.
Joy: I loved being the eyebrow queen. Well, if I lost Oprah, at least I don’t have to pretend to like Maya Angelo anymore. I’ve put everything in my business. If that doesn’t work out, I’ve got nothing.
Melanie: Or You have the chance to change something. Number 72. Re-invent yourself. Oh, God, I really want to do that. I know it may sound crazy, but I think I wanna do that here.
Elka: You’re not gonna become one of those women who like themselves, are you? Cause everybody hates those women.
Joy: Let me ask you something. What’s the deal with old ladies and track suites? Elka: It’s simple. In your twenties you dress for men. In your forties you dress for success. In your eighties you dress for the bathroom. Shove over bones. So, too bad about that married guy.
Melanie: Um, yeah.
Elka: When I was your age, we didn’t get into that kind of trouble. My husband was the only man I ever dated.
Victoria: Well, didn’t you ever wanna try another one out, I mean, you know, just to compare?
Elka: Well, that’s a sinful thought.
Joy: So, you’re OK, Mel?
Melanie: Yeah, yeah, I’m good. And you guys have a very early flight tomorrow.
So please, just go to Paris and have a wonderful time.
Joy: I don’t know. Somehow I can’t seem to get excited about Paris anymore. No Melanie.
Victoria: You know Joy instead of spending two weeks in Paris we could spend 2 weeks in Cleveland. I mean The Paris of Ohio.
Elka: No, that’s Toledo.
Joy: So, what should we do now?
Melanie: I say we go to that bar where men think we’re hot.
Elka: I’ll drive.

Advertisements

One thought on “Hot in Cleveland S01, Ep01 – Pilot

  1. Pingback: TV Shows: Hot in Cleveland: S01, Ep01 – Pilot | Pasta's World

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s